Folkestone & Hythe District Council Domestic Abuse Forum DOMESTIC ABUSE SUPPORT AND ADVICE Updated: 28TH October 2019 CONTENTSV 3. Who can be affected by domestic abuse? 4. Examples of abusive behaviour 6. Stalking and harassment 7. Signs to look out for 12. Effects on children 14. The cycle of abuse, Vulnerable Adults 16. Teenagers 17. Honour-based violence and forced marriage 18. Lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered 19. Practical things to keep you safe 20. Planning to leave 21. How to access local services 22. Housing support 24. What can the police do? 26. Civil orders to protect you 28. Terms used in domestic abuse 30. DA services 2 DOMESTIC ABUSE – SUPPORT AND ADVICE WHO CAN BE AFFECTED BY DOMESTIC ABUSE?V Anyone. Domestic abuse includes all kinds of behaviour that is meant to hurt or frighten you. Not all abuse leaves visible marks; it ranges from physical violence to cruel words and threats. It can happen to anyone, women and men; gay, lesbian and straight (heterosexual) people; and people of any age or background. Abuse of any type damages a person’s self-esteem, confidence and self- worth. Domestic abuse is never your fault Domestic abuse should always be taken seriously regardless of type or frequency of the abuse Everyone has the right not to experience violence or abuse. This booklet aims to support those subject to domestic abuse in recognising the abuse and support that is in place. It will also explain some of the terminology and legal responses to domestic abuse This booklet aims to give advice if you, or someone you know, is suffering domestic abuse. If you are in a dangerous situation and fear for your immediate safety you should contact the police on 999. In a non-emergency call 101. DOMESTIC ABUSE – SUPPORT AND ADVICE 3 REMEMBER Violent and abusive behaviour is the abuser’s CHOICE Despite what many people believe, domestic abuse is not due to the abuser’s loss of control. In fact, abusive behaviour is a deliberate choice made by the abuser in order to control you. EXAMPLES OF ABUSEV Domestic abuse is defined as any incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive, threatening behaviour, violence or abuse between those aged 16 or over who are, or have been, intimate partners or family members regardless of gender or sexuality. The abuse can encompass but is not limited to: Psychological and emotional abuse Calling you names and putting you down; constantly moving the goal posts or changing rules and expectations; threatening to take your children away or threatening loved ones; calling you a bad parent; encouraging your children or others to be negative towards you; controlling whom you can talk to or the places you can go socially or for work and education; breaks or damages your property. 4 DOMESTIC ABUSE – SUPPORT AND ADVICE Physical abuse Punching; kicking; hitting; slapping; pulling hair; choking; breaking bones; burning (with cigarettes or irons etc.); keeping you awake and depriving you of sleep; using weapons or objects to hurt you. They may also physically abuse your children. Sexual abuse Forcing you to have sex or take part in sexual acts against your will; refusing to have sex with you; forcing you into prostitution or pornography; accusing you of cheating on them; criticisms of sexuality; sexual jokes or demeaning gender. Financial abuse Checking every penny you spend; controlling all finances; accusing you of not managing money properly; holding all the money, leaving you with no access to bank accounts and checking the mileage in the car. Controlling behaviour Making you dependent on them and isolated socially from friends and family; taking away anything that helps you to be independent, such as money or mobile phones; planning your day for you and preventing you from having opportunity to escape. Coercive behaviour Using physical violence, threats or humiliation to control, punish or frighten you into behaving in a certain way. Victims often describe coercive control as not being ‘allowed’ or having to ask permission to do everyday things. MYTH Domestic abuse is not a big problem It is a major issue. 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men will experience domestic abuse at some stage in their life. It is estimated that two thirds of incidents are unreported. You are not alone and support is available. DOMESTIC ABUSE – SUPPORT AND ADVICE 5 One in four women will experience domestic violence at some point in her life. STALKING AND HARASSMENTV ‘Stalking is repeated acts which are unwanted, intrusive and can be reasonably expected to cause distress, alarm or fear.’ Stalking is against the law in the UK. It is hard to give an exact definition of stalking because stalkers will often use multiple and differing methods to harass their victims. Stalking can consist of any type of behaviour such as regularly sending flowers or gifts, making unwanted or malicious communication, damaging property and physical or sexual assault. If the behaviour is persistent and clearly unwanted, causing you fear, harassment or anxiety then it is stalking and you should not have to live with it. It may be difficult to explain why repeated actions, some of which in isolation seem trivial, can be so upsetting and unnerving but, the truth is that they are and that is enough. Kent police will take positive action if you report that you are being stalked. The One Stop Shops can advise and support you. Stalking Helpline 0808 802 0300 www.stalkinghelpline.org www.protectionagainststalking.org for a risk assessment checklist 6 DOMESTIC ABUSE – SUPPORT AND ADVICE SIGNS TO LOOK FOR INV RECOGNISING ABUSEV Have they tried to keep you from seeing your friends or family? Have they prevented you from continuing or starting a college course, or from going to work? Do they constantly check up on you or follow you? Do they accuse you unjustly of flirting or of having affairs? Do they constantly belittle or humiliate you, or regularly criticise or insult you in front of other people? Are you ever scared of this person? Have you ever changed your behaviour because you’re afraid of what this person might do or say to you? Have they ever deliberately destroyed any of your possessions? Have they ever hurt or threatened you or your children? Have they ever kept you short of money so you’re unable to buy food and other necessary items for yourself and your children? Have they ever forced you to do something that you really didn’t want to do, including sexually? Domestic violence has more repeat victims than any other crime (on average there will have been 35 assaults before a victim calls the police). DOMESTIC ABUSE – SUPPORT AND ADVICE 7 The following is a list of personality traits that may indicate a potential abuser. It is not the purpose of the listing to imply that every person with some of these characteristics is an abuser or potential abuser. Jealousy: At the start of the relationship, an abuser will equate jealousy with love. They will question you about whom you talk to, accuse you of flirting or become jealous of time spent with others. Controlling behaviour: In the beginning an abuser will attribute their controlling behaviour to concern for you (for example, your safety or decision making skills). The situation will become worse as this behaviour progresses. They may assume all control, control your finances and even prevent you from doing as you please. Quick involvement: Often people in your situation have known or dated their abuser for less than six months before getting married, engaged or living together and this is due to pressure from their partners to commit to the relationship. Unrealistic expectations: An abuser expects their partner to meet all of their needs and to take care of everything emotionally and domestically. Isolation: An abuser will attempt to isolate their partner by severing their ties to outside support and resources. The abuser may accuse your friends or family of being ‘trouble makers’. They may limit your access to the outside world by not allowing you to use the car, not letting you go to work and limiting your time on a computer or phone. 8 DOMESTIC ABUSE – SUPPORT AND ADVICE Blames others for problems: Abusers will always blame others for their shortcomings. Someone is always out to get them or is stopping them from achieving. You will be blamed for almost everything that goes wrong. Hypersensitivity: An abusive person will use feelings to manipulate you. Common phrases you may hear are, “You’re hurting me by not doing as I want” or “If you truly loved me…” Cruelty to animals or children: This is a person who punishes animals or children and is insensitive to their pain. They may expect a child to behave in a way that is older than they are (for example, whipping a two year old for wetting a nappy or teasing children or siblings until they cry). Sexual abuse: ‘Playful’ use of force in sex: This behaviour includes restraining you against your will or initiating sex when you are asleep or demanding sex. Abusers may show little concern for your opinion and will use sulking and anger to manipulate compliance. Verbal abuse: This behaviour involves saying things that are intended to be cruel and hurtful, cursing or degrading you, or minimising/criticising your achievements. Rigid gender roles: Views your role as to simply serve. For instance, a male abuser will see women as inferior to men, responsible for menial tasks, stupid and unable to be a whole person without a relationship. Dual personality: They have explosive behaviour and moodiness that can shift quickly.