INSIDE THIS ISSUE • Exclusive! Interview with Guild Librarian Si- gismund Thing ................ 2 • Guild of Thieves ap­ prentice exam - how to take the test, and how to WIN! .................................. 11 • Top Secret Coded "Cheat Sheet" stolen Top Crook Slags from Guild of Thieves - we reveal all ..................24 ANDMUCH MUCH Rookies Shock! MORE! Top crook Silas "We just can't get the ceptional material, and fac­ type of young person es a bright future in the Beaker says the pro­ we want these days. Guild. fession will face dis­ Frankly, they seem Beaker said that he was aster if young new­ more keen on accoun­ "sick as a macaw" with tancy and merchant young apprentices training comers continue with banking." at the Guild's expense and their boycott. Beaker was speaking on then "going offthe straight Beaker, speaking from his the eve of new, stringent and narrow - becoming Dombrook hideaway, add­ entry standards to the doctors and shopkeepers ed: "Frankly, the newcom­ Guild of Thieves. and such." ers are rubbish. Green­ "These new tests aren't He added: "We have to face horns. Tenderfeet. Wet be­ easy", he said. "Anyone it. This a divided society. hind the ears. who can pass them is ex- It's us and them." TIME FOR ACTION BURGLARY by Our Special Correspondent A.Nonymous Commuters on the Dombrook line are facinganother ex­ SUPPLIES pense today - theprice of a wristwatch. For the best in Modern Burglary For burglars described as equipment, call "audacious and cunning" have noticed the clock had gone, it stolen the Victoria Station clock. was toolate to check what time it Festeron 1183 The famousclock, which has was, because it had gone, if you Jemmies &. Crowbars hung above platform 3,728 at followme. Dark Lanterns - Victoria - the world's largest Sta­ "We heard it strike eleven, guaranteed light-free tion - went missing last night at which some say means that that New range of striped around midnight. was when it was stolen. Others "We aren't sure of the exact say it was just about to strike clothing time," said spokesman A. twelve. It's a matter of opinion, (Ask for Bruce or Rod) Spokesman, "Because when we like everything eise." The Guild of Thieves: Now The Story Can Be Told EXCLUSIVE! Our Man In Kerovnia Talks To Guild Librarian Sigismund Thing. Reprintedfrom "Burglar' s Gazette" What is the Guild? whacker home to - as she what the old bastard - sor­ How did it start? allegedly put it - 'findher­ ry,the old gentleman- was The Guild of Thieves self. reallylike. (or, to give it its full title, You're trying to say Do any transcripts The Worshipful And Par­ they got divorced? exist? tially Honourable Guild Of Not as such. As a matter Yes. ProfessionalNocturnal and of fact, Mrs Thrushwhacker Do you have any of SurreptitiousEntry And Re­ was eventually found by them? moval Operatives Of Ker­ Milo Piston, a flangeopera­ ovnia, Get My Drift?) owes tive, under a pizza bush in Yes. its existence to Judge Rhino Dornbrook, a pleasant but Q. Q. Thrushwhacker II, Stop mucking about inconsequential dormitory and show us one, then. appointed Master of the town in the mountainous Bench some two centuries north of Kerovnia. Rhino All right. All you had to ago. Thrushwhacker loudly and do was ask. Hereyou are: Thrushwhacker was strenuously denied all re­ a Popular Guy sponsibility, although no­ No he wasn't. Thrush­ body had ever asked him. In The Kerovnian High Court. (LordJustice whacker was a visionary, Mr PING and, like many visionaries, ThrushwhackerPresiding .) ng had enernies. (Prosecuti ) Enough of Mrs T. But he must have The accused is therefore What was the Judge charged with a heinous of­ had a great home life, like? fence under Ch.XXX/VfB right? JUDGE R.Q.Q. THRUSH­ Judge Thrushwhacker's ofQB4.86 in that he did... No. His worst enemy WHACKER attitude to crirninalrehabili­ was Mrs Thrushwhacker. t tation was novel. Although was foremostamong those Hang on. contemporary articles on Don' give me that drive/. enemies, remaining an im­ Mr PING Rhino portrayed him as a What didhe do? placable opponent of what man of conscience, upright she perceived as Rhino's and moral, unswerving in We were com­ heavy drinking, incessant his pursuit of justice and ing to that, my Lord. Un­ telling of dirty jokes, nose­ de r Ch.XXX/VfB of learned in the law, there THEJUDGE picking, and leaving his was no evidence of any of QB4.86 ... used handkerchiefsscrewed these characteristics in the Oh,phooey. up under the bed. She re­ man himself. If you read a (To the Prisoner)to What did mained at odds with her transcript of one of his you do? We obviously husband for several years, "trials", you'd have an idea aren' t going get any finally leaving the Thrush- ThePRISONERsense out of old Ping here. 2 Why Val.LXVII No CXXN nothing, myLord. don't like your face. Put training or career structure, THE JUDGE yourselfin prison for twelve and certainly nothing resem­ You sure? bling professional self­ (Peeringat the Prisoner)Oh years. And, mind you, l'm regulation. This means that yes... you're the chap who only being lenient because I criminals are also pretty in­ sent me that rather jolly likeyour face. competent. The moreincom­ ehest ofgold. CONSTABLE Jolly good of petent they are, themore like­ you, Sir. Y ou're a gent. The PRISONER Mark of ly they areto get caught. And respect, myLord. Quite a guy, eh? The the more they get caught, the THE JUDGE Quite so. crooks must have loved more work it makes for good And you didn't do anyth­ him. ol' Rhino Q. Q. Thrush­ ing? Indeed so. Thrushwhack­ whacker. Which means the less time available for good The PRISONER er's cavalier attitude naturally No. Def­ led tohis becoming a popular ol' R.Q.Q.T. to spend in im­ initelynot. figurewith the criminal class­ proving pursuits like stud THE JUDGE There you es. Unfortunately, the crimi­ poker, illicit distilling, ama­ are then. Ping? nal classes were not popular teur necromancy, target prac­ tice, watching gladiator shows MrPING Yes, my Lord? with Thrushwhacker. This was not because he disap­ and chuckling up his sleeve THE JUDGE ou' re a proved of crime, but because about what happened to Mrs bloodyfool, Ping. he disapproved of the incom­ Thrushwhacker (which, of Y course, Rhino knew nothing Mr PING Yes, my Lord. petence of criminals. His rea­ soning was, of course, entire­ whatever about). THE JUDGE Ah, so you ly logical. agree, eh? Right. The sen­ So what can you do tence of this Court is that Logical? How do you about it? you go to prison for ten mean, logical? The answer came to Rhino years. Lookat it this way. There one evening while he was practising the Egyptian Hat Mr PING But that' s not will always be criminals. Dance. fair. Thereforethere willalways be crime. This is a Good Thing Hold on a sec. THE JUDGE All right, because it means that people twentyyears. What's the Egyptian Hat like good ol' Rhino Q. Q. Dance? Mr PING Y ou can' t do Thrushwhacker will be in a The Egyptian Hat Dance that. job. However, criminals are disorganised. There is no was a favourite pursuit of THE JUDGE Yes I can. (To the Clerk of the Court) Can'tl? CLERK No. Honest John PLC THE JUDGE Oh ho. Right. Twenty years for Tlred of dolng a hard nlght's work? you, too. Take them away, constable. Joln our tralnee salesman recrultment plan end look forwardto: CONSTABLE Right you are, Sir. • Free donkey end cart THE JUDGE - • Free Farthlngton·s Real Ale Oh and, • Plenty of opportunityto meet people Constable... ? CONSTABLE Yes, Sir? THRUSHWHACKER What Burglar? I 3 Thrushwhacker's. lt in­ stumbled throughout Ker­ volved going to bed with a Tired of bein� on the ovnia, as they said Even­ bottle of home-made and a ei�hth rank? song in pitch darkness); and hat, hanging the hat on the a hundred hired leblings in end of the bed, and drink­ For confidential advice starched shirt-fronts, their ing the home-made untilthe ring: ears ironed and their little hat began to dance. Rhino tails neatly plaited, stood at G Kaspov - Kergos 234 was very good at the Egyp­ attention with traysof deli­ tian Hat Dance, but liked to cacies and pitchers of cool, practise a Jot.) The hat, an couple of hangings and a pub­ foaming Bourbinskerry (a old lobster-stained Borsali­ lic flaying-alive to whip up patent home-brew of no, had just turned into a (literally) public interest, then Thrushwhacker's, made chorus-line of high-kicking threw openhis colossal man­ fromfake Bourbon, artifical purple blowfish when Rhi­ sion fora public meeting. gin, imitation whisky and no had his brainwave. (As a matter of fact, his ersatz sherry which on the one hand was guaranteed to What brainwave? mansion actually threw itself open, following a confusion enliven any social gather­ lt was Rhino's master­ in Rhino's rnind, while pre­ ing l>ut on the other hand stroke. lt earned his place paring the refreshmentsfor his was reputed to etch glass in history. lt made the guests, between two magazine and eat through granite). name of Rhino Q. Q. articles, one in Which Explo­ Sounds great! Thrushwhacker a name to sive? alldthe other in Popular Where can I get some? be conjured with when stu­ Alchemy, with spectacular re­ dents of history gatheredto sults.) You can't. lt's illegal.