The New Hampshire Gazette, Friday, April 10, 2020 — Page 1 Vol. CCLXIV, No. 15 The New Hampshire Gazette Grab Me! April 10, 2020 The Nation’s Oldest Newspaper™ • Editor: Steven Fowle • Founded 1756 by Daniel Fowle PO Box 756, Portsmouth, NH 03802 • [email protected] • www.nhgazette.com I’m Free! The Fortnightly Rant The Big X-Ray ast weekend Covid-19 was As the sordid life of Allen Dulles† killing a thousand Americans a demonstrates, the Prime Directive Lday. If the death rate doubles every of the U.S. Government has been six days or so, this weekend we’ll say to defend capitalism against all en- goodbye to 4,000 more. emies, foreign and domestic. This is, of course, quite terrible. After letting the world’s #1 Bol- It certainly seems so right now. All shevik scamper off to overthrow the things being relative, though, and Russian Empire, Allen, the inveter- the laws of mathematics being as ate horndog and unregenerate con- they are [the exponential function spirator, joined his staid and stuffy has a power that Bill Barr can only brother John Foster at Cromwell & envy] a month or two from now we Sullivan, the world’s most powerful may look back and see these as the corporate law firm. Their clients,ipso good old days. facto, were the world’s most powerful Remember the bumper sticker, corporations. “Giant Meteor 2016—Just End It Even after purportedly leaving Already”? The comet never came, corporate law—Allen becoming but we got the next-worst thing: Eisenhower’s CIA Director, John umpteen trillion itsy-bitsy blobs Foster his Secretary of State—they of ribonucleic acid are giving this continued serving the same clients. country its biggest X-Ray ever. This diabolical duo overthrew in- Lo and behold, we’re a total wreck. sufficiently-capitalist governments “How can this be happening?” from Guatemala City to Kinsha- some might ask. So might an En- sa, and from Saigon to, most likely, ment, amounting mostly to state ried out what was perhaps the most they were in a slightly better bar- glish peasant have cried in 1348, as Washington, D.C. militias, kept in shape by using rifle effective job of large-scale war pro- gaining position. Many men with he discarded a chicken bone next The Dulles brothers were unique, butts to beat striking workers into paganda which the world had ever high school educations could work a to his hovel, where it was seized by of course, only in their fraternal submission.‡ witnessed.” Our titans of industry, factory job, buy a house, and support a flea-infested Norway rat. We’ve partnership. The vast majority of President Woodrow Wilson noticing this stunning achievement, a family—largely because they could been walking into this fateful am- American politicians have been barely won re-election in Novem- began investing millions in the pub- join unions. Even some Black men bush for more than a century. enthusiastic capitalists, particularly ber, 1916. The slogan, “He kept us lic relations racket—at the pinnacle got in on the action. Obviously, this Our non-paper* of March 27th since the rapid proliferation of rail- out of war” may have given him the of which stood Sigmund Freud’s all had to stop. Neoliberal§ policies carried the following item for April roads in the period following the edge. “Yet within a very short pe- nephew, CPI alumnus Edward Ber- made sure it did. 8th: Civil War. It’s difficult to resist so riod after America had joined the nays. With collaboration from feckless “1917—At the U.S. Embassy in remunerative an ideology on a mere belligerents,” said a 1940 report by America’s anti-Communist cru- Third Way Democrats, Republi- Bern, future CIA head Allen Dulles Congressman’s pay. the Council on Foreign Relations sade was briefly suspended as the cans led the way, crushing unions gets a call from I.V. Lenin, begging for Having learned our history from [CFR], “the nation appeared to be Soviet Union lost 13 percent of its and gutting the Government. Ar- an immediate meeting. Dulles, who Hollywood, we tend to see the time enthusiastically and overwhelmingly population fighting Nazis on the thur “The Curve” Laffer ludicrous- has a date with buxom Swedish twins, between the Civil War and World convinced of the justice of the cause Eastern Front. Approximately one ly claimed that lowering tax rates puts him off. Lenin boards a train to War I as one long western movie. In of the Allies, and unanimously de- day after victory in Europe, the would increase tax revenue. It did Petrograd and starts a Revolution.” fact it was fifty years of Congressio- termined to help them win.” U.S.—on its way to losing 0.32 per- not. Grover “Drown The Govern- On April 13th—less than a week nal corruption, urbanization, wide- The CFR report attributed the cent of its population—rounded on ment In The Bathtub” Norquist was later—this happened: spread factory-based wage slavery, change in attitude to “the work of its former ally and resumed hostil- honest about his intentions, at least. “1917—Prescient President W. and Jim Crow laws, all within an the group of zealous amateur pro- ities. Preventing foreign countries Yesterday, Reuters’ Heather Tim- Wilson establishes the Committee on economy wracked by cycles of boom pagandists, organized under Mr. from succeeding under anti-capital- mons tweeted, “Art Laffer is being Public Information, 67 years prior to and bust. In the absence of foreign George Creel in the Committee on ist systems is quite expensive—but floated as head of a new task force to 1984.” adventures, our military establish- Public Information [CPI]. With it’s cheaper than letting Americans ‘reopen’ the U.S. economy.” his associates he planned and car- start getting strange ideas. * For the record, it is our intention to sur- † Talbot, David. The Devil’s Chessboard: Al- Working stiffs who survived the § “Neoliberalism: A political approach that vive this mess and resume our longstanding len Dulles, the CIA, and the Rise of America’s ‡ Beatty, Jack. Age of Betrayal: The Triumph favors free-market capitalism, deregulation, love affair with newsprint just as soon as we Secret Government. New York: HarperCol- of Money in America, 1865–1900. New York: war were like peasants who made it and reduction in government spending….” possibly can. — The Ed. lins, 2015. Knopf, 2007. through the Black Plague: for once – Lexico.com. The Alleged News® The New, Improved Five O’Clock Follies oted epidemiologist, Viet- If they had continued, those a podium and read in monotone an know, so we’ll be looking into that very The President – “No, I didn’t. I said nam War draft dodger, and hate-fests might eventually have endless list of meaningless statistics carefully. we’re going to look at it. We’re going to NPresident, Donald J. Trump now counterbalanced through attrition which, according to then-current “And we’re going to put a hold on investigate it. We’re going to look at it. conducts televised daily briefings the voter suppression efforts which algorithms, proved conclusively that money spent to the WHO. We’re going But we will look at ending funding.” on the Federal Government’s re- keep Republicans in power. More the light at the end of the tunnel was to put a very powerful hold on it, and [Emphasis (bold) added.– The sponse to the coronavirus pandem- likely, though, they’d have just raised not on the front of an oncoming lo- we’re going to see. It’s a great thing if Ed.] ic—and whatever other random the death toll, right across the board. comotive. it works, but when they call every shot Strictly speaking, this is not thought-substitutes may then be There’s that bipartisanship for which During Tuesday’s episode, the wrong, that’s no good.” news, but, for the record: when the fluttering around, bat-like, in his everyone’s been clamoring. President—who dithered for Three thousand words later, a President speaks, a series of sounds belfry. As the victim of a cruel disabili- months as this pandemic gained journalist asks a question: tumble from his mouth. Trying to We hope that scientists in the fu- ty (a worm hole in that part of his momentum—tried to lay some of Journalist – “Thanks. A quick fol- assign any fixed meaning to them is ture—if there is one, and there are brain which, in normal people, de- the blame off to the World Health low-up on that. So is the time to freeze a chump’s game. If he were where he any—will study this phenomenon tects irony) he holds these events at Organization. The italicized text be- funding to the WHO during a pan- belongs, that is, standing in a public and confirm or deny the following 5:00 o’clock. During the war that he low comes directly from the White demic of this magnitude?” park in Queens, orating at pigeons, theory, which is ours: when he gets skipped out on, that was the time House transcript: The President – “No, maybe not. I with a loved one, if one can imagine in front of the cameras and talks, the when the Pentagon’s Public [Dis] Trump – “But we want to look mean, I’m not saying I’m going to do such a thing, watching to make sure nation’s collective IQ plummets. Information Officers tried in vain into it—World Health Organiza- it, but we’re going to look at it.” he comes to no harm—this would Collective intelligence is not ex- to convince war correspondents tion—because they really are—they Journalist – “You did say that you’re not be a problem.