PREVIOUS BOOKS BY JEFFREY KOTTLER Introduction to Therapeutic Counseling (with Robert Brown),Third Edition. Pacific Grove, Calif.: Brooks/Cole, 1996. Growing a Therapist. San Francisco:Jossey-Bass, 1995. Beyond Blame: A New Way of Resolving Conflicts in Relationships. San Francisco:Jossey-Bass, 1994. The Heart of Healing: Relationships in Therapy (with Tom Sexton and Susan Whiston). San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 1994. Classrooms Under the Influence: Counteracting Problems of Addiction (with Richard Powell and Stan Zehm). Newbury Park, Calif.: Corwin Press, 1994. The Emerging Professional Counselor: From Dreams to Realities (with Richard Hazier). Alexandria,Va.: American Counseling Association Press, 1994. On Being a Therapist (Revised Edition). San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 1993. Teacher As Counselor (with Ellen Kottler). Newbury Park, Calif.: Corwin Press, 1993. Advanced Group Leadership. Pacific Grove, Calif.: Brooks/Cole, 1993. On Being a Teacher (with Stan Zehm). Newbury Park, Calif.: Corwin Press, 1993. Compassionate Therapy: WorKing with Difficult Clients. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 1992. The Compleat Therapist. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 1991. Private Moments, Secret Selves: Enriching Our Time Alone. New York: Ballantine, 1990. The Imperfect Therapist: Learning from Failure in Therapeutic Practice (with Diane Blau). San Francisco:Jossey-Bass, 1989. Pragmatic Group Leadership. Pacific Grove, Calif.: Brooks/Cole, 1983. Mouthing Off: A Study of Oral Behavior, Its Causes and Treatments. New York: Libra, 1981. Ethical and Legal Issues in Counseling and Psychotherapy: A Comprehensive Guide (with William Van Hoose). San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 1977. THE LANGUAGE OF TEARS JEFFREY A. KOTTLER Copyright © 2013 International Psychotherapy Institute (1996 Jeffrey Kottler) All Rights Reserved This e-book contains material protected under International and Federal Copyright Laws and Treaties. This e-book is intended for personal use only. Any unauthorized reprint or use of this material is prohibited. No part of this book may be used in any commercial manner without express permission of the author. Scholarly use of quotations must have proper attribution to the published work. This work may not be deconstructed, reverse engineered or reproduced in any other format. Created in the United States of America For information regarding this book, contact the publisher: International Psychotherapy Institute E-Books 301-215-7377 6612 Kennedy Drive Chevy Chase, MD 20815-6504 www.freepsychotherapybooks.org [email protected] Table of Contents PREFACE 7 THE LANGUAGE OF TEARS 12 1 A STUDENT OF TEARS 13 2 A LANGUAGE THAT TRANSCENDS WORDS 41 3 EVOLUTION OF CRYING 73 4 UNDERSTANDING THE MEANINGS OF TEARS 101 5 CRYING ACROSS CULTURES 133 6 WOMEN AND TEARS 161 7 WHEN MEN CRY 187 8 CRYING AND PERSONAL TRANSFORMATION 218 9 RESPONDING TO TEARS 237 10 A TIME FOR TEARS 268 FOR FURTHER READING 279 ABOUT THE AUTHOR 292 preface I have become accustomed to people who are crying. Not a working day goes by when I don’t encounter weeping of one sort or another—tears of despondency and hopelessness, of abject surrender, tears of sentimental reminiscence, tears of sadness and grief, tears of regret, of frustration, even the tears of laughter and joy. I have learned to recognize these various kinds of tears, to know when silence is best, or words of comfort. I know when to change the subject or when to offer a hug. I can tell when the tears are saying “Please help me!” as distinguished from those that say “Leave me alone!” or even those that say “Join me in my moment of exaltation!” I am a therapist, an educator and supervisor of other therapists, a researcher who writes about the healing nature of human relationships. I have spent my life as a student of tears. I have sat helplessly, watching couples rip into one another with a viciousness that provokes tears of outrage or anguish. I have consoled parents whose children are dying. I have tried to help people who are so depressed their eyes have run dry; they have no tears left to give. I have watched, with rapture and pride, the tearful reconciliation of a parent and an estranged child. I have seen so many tears and heard so many sobs that crying has become as familiar to me as a frown, or even a yawn. Yet with all this experience and practice, I am still not entirely comfortable with people who are crying, especially if I might have played some incidental role in its beginning. When my wife cries, I sit stoically, wearing my “shrink mask” and pretending to be empathic; inside, I want to run away or scream “Stop that and talk about it!” When my son cries, I want to die, though I act as if I am unperturbed, with what I hope is just the right mixture of concern and neutrality. When a student approaches me tearfully about a grade that is lower than expected, I just shut down. I put up a wall to stop melting from the heat. When even experts on the subject struggle with their own tears, as well as responding to those of others, you can be sure that we are onto something that is vitally important in our lives, even if it is so poorly understood. WHAT THIS BOOK WILL DO This is a book about passion in human experience. It is a study of excruciating pain as well as exquisite rapture. There are tears of grief, sadness, despondency, hopelessness, of relief, exhilaration, pride, and ecstasy. What is the meaning of this language? What are tears for? How did they evolve? How are tears interpreted in various cultures and throughout history? How are men and women, children and adults, unique in the ways they cry? Why do some people cry so easily and others do not? When is crying therapeutic and when does it become self-destructive? What is the best way to respond to someone who is crying? And perhaps most important of all: What do tears tell us about the essence of our own human nature? These are but a few of the questions that prompted this study of crying. Based on research conducted during the past twelve years, this book brings together the sparse literature on the subject from across all disciplines—from ophthalmology and neurology to anthropology and social psychology, from fiction and film studies to social work and counseling. This booK will broaden your understanding. Tears represent a metaphor for human feeling. There is not a person alive who has not wondered about the meaning of tears, what they say about who we are. Thousands of songs have been composed about them; almost every movie worth remembering is one that stimulated the flow of tears. Yet in spite of the fascination with this subject, very few people understand their own tears, much less those of others they are close to. This book will move you emotionally. Although The Language of Tears is full of interesting information, research, and concepts, anecdotes are included that are moving, even heart wrenching in their vivid descriptions. Further, I will speak directly to you, the reader, challenging you to look deeply at your own tearful behavior as a way to understand the phenomenon on a larger scale. The goal of this book is no less than to move you to tears. This book will change your life. It is not enough simply to understand this complex phenomenon, nor is it sufficient to feel the impact of the messages contained therein. The structure of the book, as well as its style, is designed to help you take action in your life, to confront “emotional constipation” or its counterpart of helplessness, to initiate changes in the ways you relate to others and to yourself. In the pages that follow, you will enter the lives of many individuals who describe their tearful experiences. You will learn much of what there is to know about this mystery of human behavior. You will also have the opportunity to look inward, to examine the particular meaning that tears have had for you during your life. Finally, you will come to terms with the language of your own tears, as well as gain a better grasp of what others have been trying to communicate to you for a long time. ACKNOWLEDGMENTS I wish to express my gratitude to two professionals whose wisdom and guidance proved invaluable in the completion of this book. Bill Frey, of the St. Paul-Ramsey Tear Research Center, offered many suggestions that helped me to refine my ideas related to the subject of crying. I am also grateful for the support, guidance, and wisdom of Alan Rinzler, an editor who nurtures and pushes me to the limits of what I am capable of doing. Jeffrey A. Kottler Las Vegas, Nevada June 1996 the language of tears 1 a student of tears You are surrounded by tears. People are crying all around you, and have been throughout most of your life, just as you have been known to weep yourself on occasion. Although this phenomenon of shedding water out of your eyes during times of emotional upheaval is one of the most remarkable mysteries on this planet, most people don’t understand very clearly what this behavior is for, nor why it has such a dramatic impact on others. What a peculiar reaction is elicited by this strange form of communication! Crying is a language system that—while powerfully evocative—is all too often misunderstood. It is curious indeed how uncomfortable and embarrassed most people feel being around others, or even themselves, during tearful times. If we adopt the role of the student, this subject opens a whole new world before us. All of a sudden, we begin to make sense of why people react the ways they do to the display of tears, and why we have responded, as well, in particular ways to the overflow of feeling that pours out of our own eyes.