Page 12 The Projector October 17, 1978 Red Ribber Commoonitye Pervertor College Stoodent Noospaper October 31 1978 All articles contained within the first eight pages are fictitious, occassionally funny and usually silly. The advertisements are real though, and you better study them or we won't release our hostages! S.A. Mascot Goes Wild by Dave Haynes What happened to this once Teachers at Red River Corn- cheerful old polar bear? S.A. munity College are having few Activities Programmer Lynne problems keeping their students Gurdebeke thinks it may be the in classes these days. The result of an accidental blow on students are afraid to leave the the head the bear suffered safety of the classroom. For several weeks ago. • Rebel failed outside, stalking hallways, is to duck his head while entering Rebel, the White Devil. the S.A. office and was tem- Once a playful, docile school porarily knocked out. He mascot, Rebel has mysteriously recovered quickly, but it wasn't gone bad, mauling students and long after that when the trouble terrifying the student population. started. At this writing, the death toll The first victim was a young stands at 87. It rises daily. Secretarial Science student, Kim No one has been able to stop the Millington. Sitting alone at a bear, but not for lack of trying. library cubicle, she never had a Initially, the plan was to scare chance to stop her attacker. She him off. They showed it pictures was found minutes later, her of Tony Militano, they made it body torn and her hair messy. listen to Meatloaf, but it didn't Kim's friends and classmates work. The bear was fearless. were visibly upset when they The Student Association, left heard the news. "She owed me with no other choice, has put out a five bucks," sobbed one girl. contract on him. One group from The pattern has continued. Pervertor photographer caught the White Devil taking Civil Tech attempted to force- There have been 86 other attacks one of his 87 victims. feed the bear Buffalo Place soup in the college, 86 other victims. but it backfired. The bear liked it. Police have refused to step in and parker. the bear is to give him another such vicious action is taken. Then, a group of nurses lured try to stop the carnage, insisting The situation looks bleak for blow on the head, bringing him For now, students will just Rebel into a locked room where that the bear's just a little too Red River students. Local back to normal. But the S.P.C.A., have to keep their eyes open for they tried to giggle him to death. frisky. Meanwhile, college veternarians have studied the Greenpeace and Marlon Perkins Rebel, the White Devil. No luck (although he did get a security has been unable to help case and say the only way to cure have all threatened lawsuits if date with one of them next since most of their men are on a Friday). nationwide manhunt for a double- Students swamp legislature College student by Bob Armstrong Stains, warned police not to try of demands, written in crayon on A group of students from Red rescuing the hostages or used Kleenex. The demands Tape Community College has "anything could happen." It is include: longer green lights, taken over the Manitoba not known if any of the students warmer weather, Suzanne takes "cutting" blow legislative building, threatening are armed but several are listed Sommers and two extra hours violence unless all their demands as "dangerous" and "criminally between two and four in the by Dave Church have only circumstantial are met. insane" in their Red Tape files. Winnipeg police are in- evidence regarding Getty's fate. morning. The group, made up of Badass Police Chief Spiny Norman Mayor Stein said the demands vestigating the mysterious "The meatcutting department Administration and Conservative described the situation as disappearance of a Red River records show that sausage output are being looked at but that police Commercialism students, broke "volatile" and said the danger is will try to convince the kid- Community College student last was about 120 lbs. higher than into the building last night at "these Red Tape students have seen two weeks ago entering the expected for October. However, nappers into giving themselves about 11:30, disguised as vermin. no grasp of reality, you can't up. meat-cutting department of the we can't prove anything because Once inside, they kidnapped reason with them." Dave Stains said the students school. the sausage was served at the several top level government Mayor Beer Stein described the are going to stay until every one Sparston Getty, 22, of no fixed Voyageur Cafeferia. All of the officials, including two cleaning incident as "a whale of a kid- of their demands are met or address, was last seen on October evidence has been eaten." women and one night watchman. napping." "until we get tired of it." 11 by his locker partner, Bernd Detective Clooless said that Spokesman for the group, Dave The students have issued a list Kacker. anyone possessing two-week-old "Spa Getty and I have been sausage from the Voyageur living together in this locker for should report to him im- over a month," said Kacker. mediately. "Analysis could help "Then one day he said he was us to determine if Food Services going to the barber school for a has mixed Spa Getty in with their Sports haircut. His hair was down over pork." his eyes, and I guess he went into Student Association president the butcher shop by mistake. He Tony Militano expressed little Inside OPEN 7 DAYS VEEK never came back." interest in the situation. "I never Editor Police Detective Hiram eat at the Voyageur anyways," Clooless admitted that police he said. Al Golden: • Dies nude page 13 A 19 year old College Student was found dead behind the Oc- cidental Hotel early this mor- Nuclear War ning. The deceased was identified as Rocks Planet page 27 Barry Horeczy, a second year student at Red River Community sare..tWaleau.' College. Sources say the youth ap- Kenora parently died of asphyxiation while attempting to snort a Sold to Arabs page 85 couple of beer cans up his nose. A funeral for the deceased will be held on Thursday. A party will Volume Number 1 be held immediately afterwards. October 31, 1978 The Pervertor Page 3 Page 2 October 31, 1978 _ The Pervertor College Update Trudeau held Cam us College Grabs for ransom by Pat Keelan p Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau, kidnapped last week, is being held by Dave Haynes rensom for $1 million. Liberal party members recently said they would gladly pay the Bus Rider Award ransom sum, but only if the kidnappers kept Trudeau hostage. Tuesday, October 31 to by Jan McCall 2. Show you appreciate your report him/her. He/she is not "This is the break we've been waiting for", said a party spokesman. a Tuesday, October 31 City mayor, Tidbit A. Steam, in driver. Crowd into the front of the competent. "We've been trying to get rid of him for five years, but he refuses to Thursday, November 2 behalf of RRCC students, bus and avoid the back like the 8. As your half-full bus drives leave." Hallowe'en Pub Artist in Residence received the Bus Riders of the plague. by, wave quietly at people The spokesman added that if the kidnappers won't keep Trudeau featuring Year Award at the 113th Annual 3. Fight for your rights. waiting at bus stops. Their permanently, the party will offer to pay them monthly installments of featuring International Pleasant Bus -- Protect two seats while only patriotism will be rewarded. $50,000 for each month they hold him hostage. THE BEATLES BOB DYLAN Riders ( IPBR) convention held in using one. Half-full buses aid the country "Any time he's away from us is a bonus", said the spokesman. "We "first concert in Winnipeg's bus depot last week. 4. Open your window wide. because two buses and two can repair the state of the country to some extent before he comes back TIME : 11-1 p.m. Each year the IPBR in- Give your friends( ? ) behind you drivers are required to do the and messes it up." twelve years" PLACE : Tower Basement vestigates hundreds of par- their daily dose of fresh air. work of one. We are creating jobs TIME: 3-6:30 PLACE : West Gym ADMISSION: free ticipants in the International 5. All women, children and and alleviating unemployment. Pleasant Bus Riding program. elderly should offer their seats to 9. Block passengers from ADMISSION: $1.00 at the door Awards are given to the in- students who are tired from Psychic exiting the bus. Let them get dividual or group that best sitting in classes all day. more than their money's worth. by Brian Kozak 3) Norma Price will leave her exemplifies the IPBR's goals and 6. Don't aid students with an 10. Above all, do not smile or There are five things in life that position as Minister of Tourism objectives as stated below: armful of books. They are in talk to anyone. The last thing we one can almost always be certain and Cultural Affairs to take a job Wednesday, November 1 1. Get on the bus as fast as weight-training for the Olympics. want is a noisy bus. will happen: death, taxes, in- selling Tupperware. Freebie Film Series possible (push, kick, scratch, 7. Keep testing the driver.