$3 Elvis Was A Hero To Some But He Never Met To Shit To Us $3 The Committed Indian The REal Fan’s Program secondcityhockey.com January 19th, 2009 [email protected] MIKKO CASE Well, once again, a Hawks effort can it’s not OK. There have been far too many scoresheet and you probably win. be described as “She’s ugly, but she’s got nice turnovers in the defensive zone, the transi- But, then again,, the Wild are harder tits.” That’s all there is to say about Saturday tions have been spotty at best, and the PK to penetrate than an armed nun. They’re night in St. Louis. The Hawks weren’t very looks like a shell of its former self. Is there second in the league in goals-against, and good, the Blues were, and yet we still came now any doubt about this team’s most impor- Niklas Backstrom’s numbers, as always, are up out of it with two points. It’s strange how St. tant player? among the league leaders. The Hawks used to Louis is the only team that consistently tries, The Team Is Too Dull, Dear Liza struggle against trapping teams, but have had and succeeds, to be overtly physical with the To the encounter before us: A game a decent amount of success against Minnesota Hawks. Maybe other teams aren’t equipped against the Ambien-substitute Minnesota Wild recently. However, without Keith’s speed to to do it, maybe other teams feel they have -- a game that VS. has been kind enough to help break down Minnesota’s trap, this will be enough talent to skate with the Hawks, but the take timeout from televising Sidney Crosby tricky. 51 Phantom should consider earning Blues have been at it since last year. Perhaps taking a shit to broadcasting. By now you his paycheck tonight. it has something to do with the fact that the know the drill with the Wild. They trap, they They Won’t Catch Me (Cuz We Got six games against Chicago are some of the defend, they don’t score much, and they bore Something Building Up Inside....) few that actually matter to the Blues, but the you to death. They’re coming of a 3-0 loss Pretty simple plan, then; score first. Hawks have yet to deal with it well. They’re to Anaheim, and it may have not even been as The Wild are 6-13-3 when the opponent going to have to, and at some point soon. close as that. dents twine before they do. Forcing them to, Obviously, the Hawks have not The Wild sit right at the bottom of at some point, come out of their shell brings played well this month, and yet they are 5-3- the playoff-picture in the West, and likely them out of the comfort level, and will open 1. Obviously, we all knew that the dizzying won’t contend for the Northwest Division up space for the Hawks. They’ll probably have performances of December wouldn’t last for- title as they did the past two years (winning to do it 5-on-5, as after seeing the league’s ever. There were always going to be lulls and it last season). It’s no secret why, this team third-best and best PK in the Sabres and dips, but the Hawks are still finding ways to can’t score, nor is it particularly interested in Rangers, respectively, they’ll get the second- win while in them. Sometimes you need your doing so. No one has more than 12 goals (in best tonight. goalie to stand on his head, as Huet did Sat- comparison, five Hawks do). The one saving Though they are tired, the Hawks urday. Sometimes you need a slice of luck, as grace has been the play of Mikko Koivu, who need to close out with two strong games in the goal the Blues scored that didn’t count is their one source of consistent flair. He’s against teams they are better than. Should be due to a lack of a camera inside Huet’s glove. one of three Wild forwards who are a + on the easy enough to do at Fortress United Center. Sometimes, you need an opponent’s agora- season. He’s also far and away the team’s -Jesse Jane phobia help you out, as apparently the Blues leading scorer. When Koivu doesn’t get a were terrified of the open space between the point, the Wild are 5-12-2. Keep him off the posts (St. Louis’s finishing can only be de- scribed as pornstar marksmanship, splattering everywhere). As long as you keep putting up the wins, whatever it takes, that’s all anyone will ask at the end of the year. Let Us Up (We’ve Had Enough) It’s pretty apparent to everyone that the Hawks need the All-Star Break as much as anyone. The first half has included all the preseason hype, the goalie controversy, that ridiculous red-carpet ceremony, a coach- ing change and all the adjustments involved therein, a 9-game winning streak, the hoopla of the Winter Classic, etc. The Hawks look a little jaded. Leading in that category is Patrick Kane. Maybe it’s the scoring drought, maybe it’s the ankle, maybe it’s both, but it’s easy to get under Kaner’s skin these days, and teams are doing it. We’d love for the Hawks to pull Kane out of all All-Star activities, except Bet- tman and McDonough would have Tallon and Q killed for doing so. Clearly something’s off with Patrick, though, and he really could use the rest. When Keith went down, we said to ourselves, “It’s OK, the Hawks don’t face any offensive juggernauts before the break.” Well, MUSINGS FROM THE EDITOR First off, let me thank the Blackhawks for turning me into a com- Secondly, and maybe this is too inside-baseball, but Mike Milbury plete hypocrite. No sooner do I run an editorial wailing on people knows nothing about hockey. If Matt Millen’s credibility as an ana- yelling, “Shoot!”, in the crowd, than their lack of urgency and com- lyst has been ruined by his Bataan Death March of a stint as Lions petence on six 5-on-3’s cause me to do the same thing. I am what GM -- and it has -- then so has Milbury’s. Look at his record as the I abhor. I guess pretty soon I’ll be downing Miller Isles GM, it’s downright hilarious. Yes, he’s a fiery Lite’s in Lincoln Park and wearing collared shirts character, and is comfortable on camera, but it’s an with flared collars. It’s all over. empty shell. For the love of God, find whatever lake -What the hell happened to Bill Clement? or river Bill Clement is fishing in and get him on my Perhaps he didn’t enjoy being a studio-host instead screen. Pronto. of game-analyst, but if I watch Pierre McGuire and -I have neglected to mention this, but I’m a big Mike Milbury for one more minute I’m going to set fan of the postgame show that Judd Sirott is run- my dick on fire. Once again, I don’t expect NBC to ning on WGN. I catch it in the car on the way home commit too many financial resources to their cover- from every game, and though the callers can be... age of hockey. But is there anyone more annoying in well, subpar, Sirott’s passion and knowledge carry the broadcast booth than Pierre McGuire? The moth- Sam Fels through. He hasn’t been afraid to point out areas erfucker NEVER SHUTS UP! The dude between the the Hawks have been subpar in, and his back-and- benches is a speak-when-spoken-to position (I’ll let forth with Troy Murray is usually pretty enlighten- you make your own women-joke here, enough of my female friends ing. That being said, Judd will always be the guy who went on a have stopped talking to me). Yet McGuire chimes in every 15 5-minute rant about Adam Creighton that contained more profani- seconds. You end up with three men in the booth for a sport that’s ties than I would have thought ever humanly possible. I was about too fast to have that. I like the idea of putting someone ice-level at 12 at the time and a regular caller to the Heavy Fuel Crew on The the benches for a different perspective and to tell us what’s going on Score, which Judd produced. Needless to say, I’ve never recovered down there. But that should be something you go to twice a period, from the experience, and so Judd probably deserves some credit for and at a stoppage in play. God, I’m calling for Eddie Olczyk to warping my mind just enough that one day I would produce this have more room to speak. It’s all gone pear-shaped. rag. NHL STANDINGS *late game not included Eastern Conference Western Conference W L OTL PTS GF GA HOME AWAY W L OTL PTS GF GA HOME AWAY 1 Boston 33 8 4 70 160 98 17-3-1 16-5-3 1 San Jose 33 6 5 71 158 107 21-1-2 12-5-3 2 Washington 29 14 3 61 149 134 19-3-1 10-11-2 2 Wankers 31 8 6 68 170 127 16-3-2 15-5-4 3 NY Rangers 27 16 4 58 123 123 14-8-2 13-8-2 3 Calgary 27 14 4 58 141 134 16-5-3 11-9-1 4 Montreal 27 11 6 60 141 118 15-4-4 12-7-2 4 HAWKS 25 10 8 58 151 108 14-2-5 11-8-3 5 New Jersey 27 15 3 57 137 115 13-8-1 14-7-2 5 Phoenix* 23 18 5 51 117 130 15-6-2 8-12-3 6 Philadelphia 24 12 9 57 146 134 14-5-3 10-7-6 6 Anaheim 23 19 5 51 133 131 13-10-3 10-9-2 7 Buffalo 23 17 5 51 129 126 13-9-2 10-8-3 7 Vancouver 22 19 6 50 136 135 11-10-3 11-9-3 8 Pittsburgh 23 20 4 50 143 144 11-10-2 12-10-2 8 Columbus 22 19 4 48 122 124 13-7-1 9-12-3 9 Florida 21 16 7 49 126 125 10-5-4 11-11-3 9 Minnesota 22 19 3 47 111 101 13-8-3 9-11-0 10 Carolina 21 20 5 47 117 141 12-10-1 9-10-4 10 Edmonton* 22 19 3 47 122 132 9-8-3 13-11-0 11 Toronto 17 21 7 41 133 162 8-9-4 9-12-3 11 Colorado 23 22 1 47 126 134 14-9-0 9-13-1 12 Tampa Bay 14 21 10 38 112 140 5-8-7 9-13-3 12 Dallas 19 17 7 45 124 147 11-6-4 8-11-3 13 Ottawa 15 21 7 37 105 127 10-7-4 5-14-3 13 Nashville 20 22 3 43 110 131 12-8-1 8-14-2 14 Atlanta 16 25 5 37 137 165 8-13-2 8-12-3 14 Los Angeles 17 20 7 41 106 124 12-11-6 5-9-1 15 NY Islanders 12 29 4 28 112 161 7-12-2 5-17-2 15 St.