DENVER, COLO. WEDNESDAY. JULY5, 197B By Michael p;. (’avanagh. Ph.n. If parents have a peaceful home as their goal, then others; it is good to be honest with oneself and with (This article is excerpted from it is true: Children should not argue and fight. But if others; it is good to be just with oneself and with the June I978 St. .Anthony Messenger.) we want a healthy, growth-producing home, some others. arguing and fighting should not only be expected but Secondary values do not have inherent worth but encouraged. Three important psychological skills can Two kinds of conflict occur in families. One is un­ derive their worth to the degree that they help a par­ be learned in normal family squabbles. avoidable. a natural result of human beings living ticular individual live out his or her primary values. The first is the ability to assert oneself. Being as­ closely with one another Conflicts of this type create Some secondary values are: patriotism, obedience, sertive does not mean being aggressive, intimidating tension, which, when ustxl constructively, is a neces- respect, success, commitment, work, loyalty and or selfish. It means having the skill and the confidence •sary fuel for family growth prestige. Any or all of these may be virtues or to reach out for what is rightly ours; to say No to un­ liabilities, depending on how much growth or damage The second type is avoidable conflict That hap­ reasonable requests; and, when necessary, to fight in a accrues from them. pens when family members fail to understand some constructive way for what we need for our growth and important principles of behavior Add avoidable con­ Almost all value conflicts between parents and happiness. flicts to unavoidable, and the resulting tension often children involve secondary values. 'We often want our children to be obedient for the sake of being obedient overloads the family's psychological circuits ACQUIESCE Kelation.ships become frayed and damaging So for a and to work hard for the sake of working hard. Whether or not it will further our children’s growth healthier happy family you want to avoitJ unnecessary The second psychological skill is the ability to ac­ conflict How'' and happiness, we want them to dress in certain ways; quiesce to another when it is appropriate, without loss to go to college; to pursue a particular career; to im­ ■Most avoidable conflicts stem from unrealistic ex­ of self-esteem or feeling a need for revenge. It is pectations family members have of each other When itate our specific religious devotions; to earn money easier to learn to always acquiesce (thus avoiding con­ and have prestige; to love only certain people, and father expei'ts from son. or son from father, or sister flict) or to never acquiesce (thus avoiding loss of self­ from brother, a certain type of behavior which is un­ only in certain ways; to “ give us” grandchildren and esteem). But the twofold challenge is to teach the to live nearby. We assure ourselves and our children likely to occur, the result is usually tension, frustra­ child how to acquiesce only when it is just and tion. conflict that we are asking “ very little” as a sign of apprecia­ reasonable, and to view such yielding to another as a tion for all we’ve done for them when, in fact, we may While many of the expectations family member sign of maturity and not of weakness. This can be be asking them to contort their lives as a sign of have of each other are realistic, pierhaps many are not. learned only through years of “ supervised” fighting gratitude. It IS helpful, then to identify some of the common un- and arguing. By becoming more realistic in our expectations as reali.stic expectations in the family, to discuss their parents we wilt reduce unnecessary tension for our causes, the problems they create, and ways to avoid them children and for ourselves. Only if we are sensitive to our children, can we hope that they will develop into EXPECT A TIONS sensitive adults. Children have unrealistic expectations of their All parents have unrealistic expectations of their parents. Some times these expectations are con­ children (The term children, as used in this article, tagious, i.e., the parents gradually acquire these same includes adolescents and young adults. ) ' unrealistic expectations for themselves Sensitivity to others is both a beautiful trait and a necessary one for genuine love and happiness. Thus, most parents are disturbed to see their children being ONLY REASON insensitive to those around them. We expect our five-year-old to share his toys with Children often feel that the only reason their his three-year-old sister, and when he doesn’t, we parents were placed on earth was to be their mother scold him for being selfish. We expect our eight-year- and father. This expectation is the tail end of a larger old daughter to realize we have a headache (especially myth that when people get married they should divest when we tell her that we do) and become furious when themselves of their personal need and individuality five minutes later she is playing the piano. The third trait which normal arguing and fighting and somehow melt into the personality of the marriage In the ideal realm, none of these children should can teach is the ability to tolerate tension. Many adults partner, becoming “ as one.” In other words, one’s per­ have behaved so insensitively. But in reality, we can have never learned to handle tension. They sacrifice sonal i(lentity should be forfeited to the marriage expect insensitivity to occur. important needs and values for the sake of preventing relationship. As parents, we ourselves often display insen­ tension. And when tension does arise, they wither un­ The second part of the myth holds that when the sitivity toward our children. When our children are in der it. It is necessary to teach children not only how to married couple had children the marriage relationship the midst of a game or doing homework, how often do survive tension but also how to think clearly in the should be subjugated to the parental role. The follow­ we think nothing of dragging them away to do midst of it and how to use it creatively. Arguing and ing is a graphic representation of the weightiness of something that we want? We protest that what we fighting are realistic arenas in which to learn this the roles as measured by the amount of time, energy, want them to do is “ more important.” But the princi­ skill. and interest expanded in families with this ple we are teaching is that if an individual feels his or attitude. her needs are “ more important,” this gives him or her UNREALISTIC In other words, the individual’s time, energy and the right to be insensitive. interest is equally distributed to each role, bringing a And how often do we operate on a “ double stan­ much healthier balance to the entire family. dard” ? When our 18-year-old son forgets to tell us to Parents want their children to become good and An individual should not disown his or her per- return a phone call, we can't understand how anyone happy adults. Most parents feel that this will occur sonhood for the sake of marriage or parenthood could be that unconcerned about others. Yet it was only if the children live according to their parents’ because these roles can be only as strong and healthy only last week that his girlfriend phoned and we forgot values. But this expectation generally is unrealistic as the personalities on which they rest. Consequently, to tell him. We explain, “ But our call was urgent,” and is the greatest cause of tension between parents it is important for most people to have their own failing to realize that to our son his call was equally and their adolescents and young adults. friends. One should also maintain and develop in­ urgent. To view this issue realistically, it is important to dividual interests and hobbies and have leisure and Wo teach sensitivity by being sensitive. The distinguish between primary values and secondary quiet time to oneself. challenge is to be sensitive to our children when they values. Primary values are those which have inherent Parenthood is a great responsibility and demands are insensitive; to discover what their insensitivity worth and which pertain to all situations and all ages. enormous resources from the parents. But to ignore means; and to help them develop empathy, which is Actually, there are relatively few primary values. The the basis of sensitivity. main ones are: it is good to love oneself and to love (Continued on Page 7) Service to Support Jews alone, we are accomplices to the dehumanizing and Bishop George R. Evans will participate in an destructive forces of anti-semitism, he said. interdenominational Service of Concern to be staged .Sunday, July 9. on the grounds of the State Capitol Other participants will include the Rev. H. James Building at 5 p.m. ■ u • Shoeboot president of the Black Ministerial Alliance; Dr The public is invited to the service, which is being Donald L. Helseth of the Central Christian Church, the held in response to the planned neo-Nazi march in Rev. Harold Malmborg of the First Baptist Church, Dr Chicago. , Walter J. Boigegrain of Park Hill United Methodist The observance is planned both as a memorial to the Church, the Rev. Richard Riddock, chairperson of the millions who died during World War II and as a Mission Council of Rocky Mountain Conference United demonstration of solidarity with the Jewish community Church of Christ, and Rabbi Earl Stone of Temple by various Denver area Churches and civic organizations.