GayMardiGras.COM • GayNewOrleans.COM • SouthernDecadence.COM • Oct. 9-22, 2012 • The Official Mag: AmbushMag.COM • 21 joint stumble. You must practice, prac- might not notice you, going shopping, reVIEW...books, movies, cds tice, practice. and a rooftop cocktail party. Again body Design elements in a zombie abode and breath odor vary according to the include a black and white television set situation. Places to avoid are beaches, tuned to static, a rusty, broken shop- military bases, hospitals, nursing by Blanche ping cart, crumbling bricks by the fire- homes, and the airport. Coming out as Email: [email protected] place, a freestanding toilet, buckets a zombie to family and friends may be Photo by Larry Graham, GrahamStudioOne.COM filled with mysterious liquids, old metal risky. Tell your mother first and you will coat hangers, heavy chains, dead be home free with everyone else. Get hen I pulled up to my plants, a pile of mannequin body parts, friends really drunk; going on a long trip building one afternoon smashed vases and old, broken furni- is good. Try having children, puppies, Wlast week I noticed a ture. or old people around. large box from FedEx at my door. I was Last but not least are your zombie ZOMBIE EYE FOR THE LIVING curious as I hadn’t ordered anything. social skills. When hanging with a mixed GUY is a fun read. It could be a coffee- The last time I received a package this crowd you will not want to smell like a table book, a gift, a guide for your big, the Saints had won the Super Bowl zombie. No zombie body odor or breath. Halloween preparations, or a blueprint and a certain past grand marshal had Keep things fun and playful and most for your life. Remember, real zombie gone shopping at the NFL store. It activities will be open to you. When in activity is dangerous and illegal. Enjoy turned out to be a box of new books a horde of zombies, you can look like a yourself but play safe. from the AMBUSH office. New books zombie, smell like a zombie, groan like are always welcome here in lower Ala- a zombie, and work yourself into a COLUMNIST NOTE: My how time bama, especially books with a gay frenzy. Outdoor activities and events in flies when you're having fun. 30 short theme. Thank you Rip and Marsha. large spaces are recommended. Wan- years ago, IT’S RAINING MEN was ZOMBIE EYE FOR THE LIVING dering the French Quarter scaring released by the WEATHER GIRLS, GUY: Look Undead, Cook Undead, people could be fun, but be safe. Other Martha Wash and Izora Rhodes Dress Undead & Live Undead (Marion How do you dress like a zombie? activities include a graveyard picnic, Armstead (1942-2004). YOU GO Press, October 2012) is a tongue-in- Wear a size too big, you will look shriv- riding the bus...though some people GIRLS... cheek look into zombie life. It could be eled. Distress your clothes...run over a coffee-table book, a bathroom library them with your car, screech on your book, or a primer for those wanting to brakes for that runned-over look. Put “effect” the zombie lifestyle...and zom- motor oil on rusty chains and beat real estate bies are everywhere. Montgomery, them. Use hammers, anything. Then Alabama just had it’s 2nd Annual Zom- hang them up to dry. Don’t mix and bie Walk and Prom to benefit the local match...what was stressed together, Pay Off Your Mortgage in Half the Time food bank. pair together. Wear smaller shoes...feet with Bi-Weekly Payments With text by J. M. Hewitt, make-up swell on decaying bodies. Distress your ne way to pay off your mortgage faster is to make bi-weekly by Peter Swords Stevens, and photog- shoes until they're comfortable...more mortgage payments instead of monthly ~ this can save you hun- raphy by Alexander Colby the book fake blood. Remember, zombies don’t Odreds of thousands of dollars in interest over the long-term as well guides you through the inner prepara- sweat so bathe normally. But you must as allow you to make paying off the mortgage less of an endurance test. If your tion, teaches you how to achieve the smell like a zombie...put your clothes in mortgage is amortized correctly over the 26 weeks, then you can take years off look, develop the lifestyle, and master a bag for three days with rotten eggs, of the time it would normally take to pay your 30 year mortgage off and save a the social skills necessary to be a zom- carry stinky cheese in your pockets, huge amount of money in interest payments. bie. soak in a bath of stinky tofu brine. As times are a little tougher more and more lending institutions are trying to You must first do a self-examina- Develop a corpse breath...gargle with help consumers by offering bi-weekly and even weekly options to homeowners tion. Do you like wandering around the garlic water...chew durian gum, avail- so they can pay off the mortgage faster. Quarter late at night in corpse-like able at Asian markets...or chew on Here is an example of how this can work; let’s say your mortgage payment make-up, wearing dirty, greasy, ripped asha root, taste like burnt rubber and is $800 dollars per month, so you’re paying $9,600.00 per year. If you pay bi- clothes? Do you want your partner to makes your breath smell the same. weekly payments (26 payment of $400.00) you actually end up paying an see you as a zombie? Will you spend The decision on body and breath odor additional $800 per year, or one full extra payment that comes directly off of your your weekends perfecting your zombie will depend on the type of zombie you principal. walk? Then you must decide which are and the occasion. On a $200,000 mortgage at 5%, you’ll pay off the loan in 25 years, vs. 30 and zombie lifestyle is right for you...the You should develop your zombie shave off more than $34,000 in interest cost! zombie imitator, every once in lifestyle. Eating human flesh and suck- Many lenders offering bi-weekly payments have mortgage calculators right awhile...the drag zombie, it’s all about ing human blood is not only illegal, it’s on their sites that can help you figure out if shortening the length of your mortgage the performance...the transzombie, dangerous. Cocktail recipes in the book by paying biweekly will work for you. twenty-four hours a day, seven days a include the Braingarita, the Burnt This is a simple plan to quickly reduce your mortgage debt offering you week...or the zombie, where you actu- Manhatten, and the Eyeball Martini. additional equity/security to make it through future rough periods, like the period ally become one, legally no one can Appetizers include the Cracked we’re just coming out of. condone this choice. As in coming out Open Head Salad, the Skewered Keep in mind most lenders also allow you the option to make lump sum of the closet, you must accept yourself Brainstem, and Blood Drop Soup. En- payments towards your mortgage principle if you come into extra money. Check and the category you choose. trees are Skin Stew, Roasted Intestine with your lender to see if there are any restrictions, and always ensure your extra Next you must develop your look, Delight, and the Juicy Brain. Desserts payment is marked “principle only” to ensure it is applied as a principle reduction starting with your hair. The less you include Baby Fingers, Coagulated vs. an interest payment. shampoo, the more terrifying the "do." Blood Sorbet, and Bone Brownies. Keep it long, always air dry, get an Keep around some Karo Syrup, pome- With today’s low interest rates its always tempting to refinance, and refi- uneven razor cut, and never comb or granate juice, cauliflower, peeled nance again, and refinance again… with each refinance may come a slightly brush it...use your fingers for that ex- grapes, blueberries, manicotti pasta, lower payment, but it also comes with a new “30 year term”, you’re starting over aggerated bed head look. Moving on to and black-eyed peas. No zombie again. It may be much more prudent to use a bi-weekly mortgage plan or make-up. Hire a pro if you can and kitchen would be complete without a additional principle lump sum payments to reach your goals. learn tips from him. Always start clean hacksaw, industrial scissors, a nail gun, and clean-shaven. Buy leftover make- a blowtorch, a machete, a butcher block There are sites like www.GayMortgageLoans.com that are free databases up after Halloween and practice; go and some bleach for cleaning. of gay, lesbian and gay friendly mortgage lenders and brokers if you need online for tips. Develop your “look,” the All-important is mastering the zom- assistance, and always check with your financial planner or CPA for the best path gorier the wounds the better. Develop bie walk. Techniques include the bound- to meeting your financial and retirement goals. your own recipe for fake blood...you feet drag, the toddler two-step, the can never have enough. Frankenstein stomp and the arthritic Author Jeff Hammerberg is the Founding CEO of www.GayRealEstate.com. 22 • The Official Mag: AmbushMag.COM • Oct. 9-22, 2012 • Official Halloween Guide • HalloweenNewOrleans.COM under the gaydar by Tony Leggio Email: [email protected] Photo by: Larry Graham, GrahamStudioOne.COM Bartender of the Month here is something to be said about Jacks of all Trades, people with many talents.