Bisexualities and Non-monogamies Meg Barker and Darren Langdridge ‘Most people find it difficult to grasp that whatever they like to do sexually will be thoroughly repulsive to someone else, and that whatever repels them sexually will be the most treasured delight of someone, somewhere…Most people mistake their sexual preferences for a universal system that will or should work for everyone’ (Gayle Rubin, 1984, p.283). Bisexualities Many sexuality-related organisations sometimes add ‘bisexuality’ on the end of ‘lesbian and gay’ and sometimes do not. It is one of those slippages that feels very obvious to those of us who define as bisexual but often isn’t noticed by others who feel they are being inclusive. What is bisexuality Bisexuality means… Being ‘Sexually attracted to both men and women’ (Oxford English Dictionary) ‘The capacity…to love and sexually desire both same- and other-gendered individuals’ (Firestein, Bisexuality) ‘A changeable sexual and emotional attraction to people of any sex, where gender may not be a defining factor’. ‘Gender is not that relevant. It’s like eye colour: I notice it sometimes, and sometimes it can be a bit of a feature but that’s all’ (BiCon attendee) What is the extent of bisexuality? This is an extremely difficult question to answer because it depends very much on how we define ‘bisexuality’. For example, we might see it as people who identify themselves as bisexual (in which case the estimate might be rather small), or we might define it as all people who have ever had an aesthetic, romantic or sexual attraction to more than one gender (in which case the estimate might be rather large). In terms of the proportion of people who are actively involved in UK bisexual communities, over two hundred people participate in the annual BiCon event and that is just a small proportion of the bisexual- identified people who are involved in local and on-line communities. Fears of biphobia may prevent some people from being ‘out’ about their bisexuality. Stereotypes of Bisexuality How is bisexuality generally seen in our society? What are the stereotypes of bisexual people? How does the media depict bisexuality? How is someone who comes out as bisexual likely to be treated? 1 Bisexuality Reasons for these and responses to them. Biphobia - Double discrimination Bisexuals often suffer homophobia from straight communities and biphobia from gay/lesbian communities, to the extent of being banned from some gay clubs and not accepted on pride marches (we’re here, we’re queer, we’re marching at the rear!) According to Robin Ochs, they are frequently viewed by gay men and lesbians as possessing a degree of privilege not available to them and are viewed by many as amoral, hedonistic spreaders of disease and disrupters of families. Dichotomous thinking Western society today views sexuality in an either/or way according to two dichotomies: • Male/Female • Straight/Gay People are seen as being of one sex and being attracted to one sex. This has only been the case for just over a century and is rooted in the sexology of the 19th century and the theories of Sigmund Freud who defined heterosexuality as the norm involving genital sex between two people of the ‘opposite’ sex, and homosexuality as the abnormal alternative. These dichotomies leaves no room for intersex people (up to 5% of people who are born ambiguously sexed) or transgender people (who feel wrong in the sex they visibly appear to be) or people who are not entirely a masculine male or a feminine female (for example androgynous people, butch identified lesbians, camp men, tomboys, etc.) It also leaves no room for anyone who is not completely straight or completely gay (i.e. bisexuals). This is why bisexuality is generally seen as ‘a phase’, and people who change from having opposite-sex to same-sex relationships (or vice versa) are seen as having become gay (or straight) rather than as being bisexual. Acceptance of bisexuality would be good, however, even the word ‘bisexual’ can be seen as problematic since it still implies a ‘two gender’ way of seeing the world. Some bisexuals would rather the whole notion of gender became less important and people were able to love/be sexual with people regardless of gender. 2 Bisexual continuum? Some bi people find it useful to draw on models that scientists have come up with when thinking and talking about their sexuality. Back in the 1940s, Alfred Kinsey put forward his famous scale of sexual orientation, finding that many people did not fall simply at either end of the spectrum. This scale explains why you might hear bi people calling themselves a ‘Kinsey 2.6 and counting…’ Kinsey's scale 0 exclusively heterosexual 1 predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual 2 predominantly heterosexual but more than incidentally homosexual 3 equally heterosexual and homosexual 4 predominantly homosexual but more than incidentally heterosexual 5 predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual 6 exclusively homosexual Fritz Klein’s later model incorporated the idea that people could move up and down this scale rather than being stuck in one place on it forever. However, other people don’t like the idea of a scale at all because it still defines people by which gender they’re attracted to (the same or the opposite) and implies that the more you are attracted to one gender the less you are attracted to the other. Some make an analogy with chocolate: just because you like milk chocolate a lot doesn’t mean you don’t like dark chocolate as much. Nature or nurture? Some see bisexuality as something they were born as and/or something based in their biological make-up. Some see it as something they learnt to be as they grew up. Some feel that it would be impossible for them not to be bisexual even if they didn’t want to be. Others see it as a deliberate choice they have made: a label they have adopted or a political decision to be sexual with both men and women or to not choose partners on the basis of their gender. Behaviour and identity Finally, some people see being bisexual as something they are whereas others regard it as something they do. A person can have sex with men and women, or be attracted to both, and still prefer not to call themselves bisexual, perhaps because of biphobia or because they are more comfortable with another word (gay, straight, queer, dyke…) For some people being bisexual is the most important aspect of their identity, for others it isn’t as important as other things about them or their sexual preferences. Many people are attracted to men and women without feeling the need to join a bi community. On the other hand, many people feel part of a bi community without defining as bi. 15% of people who came to BiCon 2004 weren’t bi themselves. Bisexual relationships Bisexuals are no more likely to be promiscuous or non-monogamous than anybody else. They may have monogamous relationships, non-monogamous relationships, or no relationships. They may have sex within relationships, outside relationships or be celibate. 3 Non-monogamies Due to the straight/gay dichotomy in most people’s thinking about sexuality, it may well be that the most visible bisexuals are those who are in multiple relationships or who have more than one sexual partner. Those in monogamous relationships are often relatively invisible, being categorised as gay (if with a same sex partner) or straight (if with an opposite one), often even if they themselves define as bisexual. Stereotypes of Non-monogamy How is non-monogamy generally seen in our society? What are the stereotypes of non- monogamous people? How does the media depict non-monogamy? How is someone who comes out as non-monogamous likely to be treated? Non-Monogamy Reasons for these and responses to them. Models of Non-monogamous Relationships Non-monogamy in couples after 10 years together: Gay men – 94%, Lesbians – 43%, heterosexual men – 30%, heterosexual women – 22% (Blumstein and Schwartz, 1983) Lesbians and gay men more likely to have ‘open’ relationships rather than ‘secret infidelities’ (Nichols, 1990) 56% UK gay men in openly non-monogamous relationships (Davies et al., 1993) More common in gay/lesbian relationships because questioning ‘the rules’ already (Heaphy, Donovan and Weeks, 2004) Heterosexual non-monogamy: swinging and couples internet sites – becoming more common. Most still based on ‘couples’ model. Polyamory ‘A relationship orientation that assumes that it is possible [and acceptable] to love many people and to maintain multiple intimate and sexual relationships’ (Sexualities, 2003, p.126). A relationship philosophy that recognises ‘people’s capacity to share and multiply their love in honest and consensual ways’ (Anderlini-D’Onofrio, in Eadie, 2004: 165). History: Heinlein’s ‘Stranger in a Strange Land’ (1961), proliferation with the internet from the 1990s. Language: polyamory, ‘ethical slut’, different set-ups, metamours, wibbles/jealousy, compersion/frubbling. Emphasis on openness, communication and relationship skills. 4 Models of Open Relationships (Labriola) Primary/secondary Multiple partners – polyfidelity or open (triads, quads, tribes, families) Multiple non-primary partners Popular Representations Promiscuity/adultery ! evil/tragedy (Unfaithful, What Lies Beneath, The Ice Storm) Strange / alternative ! more positive representations? Legal and Clinical Status Lack of recognition (relationship laws, etc.) HIV prevention strategies of partner reduction DSM categorisation of borderline personality includes promiscuity Academic Representations Psychology textbooks (Barker, 2006) - ‘chances are that one day the “right” person will come along, you will fall in love with that person, get married, and perhaps have children’ (Carlson and Buskist, 1997, 518) Partnering/marriage presented as normal/healthy part of development Sexual jealousy presented as inevitable Monogamy (particularly female monogamy) presented as ‘natural’ Queer Sexualities Lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender movements have traditionally sought to remove the regime of surveillance and harassment.