106 RESPONSE I shall not die but live and proclaim the works of the Lord. (Ps. 118: 17) Until the Jewish community can develop ways to show sup­ ,port for victims of family violence, victims will continue to suffer A for the sake of a myth about the serenity of Jewish families or they will find solace outside the community. Victims are much like the guide Passover child who does not even know how to ask a question. In for the the face of such silence, we are instructed to begin to tell the story. Jewish adoptive parent 1. Ellen Goldsmith, "Violence in the Jewish Family," Reform Judaism (Winter 1983-84). DAN SHEVITZ 2. Ibid. 3. These assertions are based on confidential conversations between the author and Jewish victims offamily violence in upstate New York in 1983. OUR two children , Joshua ~imon Luis and Noah Hernan, were born in Bogota, Colombia. Joshua. was adopted at age jive weeks, Noah at ten weeks. We found each other through the Florence Crittendon League, a privat~, nonsec,,; tarian adoption agency in Lowell, Massachusetts. The process of making our family whole was not easy. Like many adoptive parents, my wife Susan and J went through inva­ sive, humiliating medical testing and trials; devastating realiza­ tions ("The waiting list is six years long, and it will take at least a year just to get on it"); cretinish counselors (" Wouldn't you rather travel, instead?"); dead ends, disappointments, failed attempts, endless bureauacracy, moral uncertainty, self-doubt~ and,· af course, interminable waiting.· We worried whether our children woul4 be accepted'if they were dark skinned (they are so beautiful it's embarrassing),ifthey would feel completely at home in the Jewish community (who does?), whether our families would be supportive (they spoil olir, kids rotten). We had little encouragement from Jewish institutions~ and, surprisingly, found very little literature that spoke to our needs. The best help we received came from friends (actually: , friends offriends offriends), usually over coffee and cake, who had 108 RESPONSE GUIDE FOR JEWISH ADOPTIVE PARENTS travelled the road before us. I hope this essay will be a useful road­ Most famous of these cases is that of Moses~ who. was'raisedllY . sign to those who will travel it again. Pharaoh's daughter. Later Rabbinic sources praise this pagan woman for her piety and note that Moses' name was given to him by his foster mother; his Hebrew name, presumably given to hUllat As every adoptive parent knows, the joys of welcoming a new birth, is not remembered. Ruth's son Oved was nursed, and member of the family, of caring and nurturing, of giving and perhaps raised, by her mother-in-law Naomi. The Biblical verse sharing love, rank among the greatest of joys. Whether the impetus says: "And Naomi took the child, and laid him in herbosom,and for adoption be the inability to have biological offspring, or the became a nurse to him. And the neighbors named him, saying 'a. desire to give a home to a needy child, the result is the same: the son has been born to Naomi.' " In this case, though the biological deep realization that the family has been blessed. A Jewish family mother is still alive and presumably invo~ved in child-rearing, the will naturally turn to the tradition in search of an expression of its grandmother has assumed some legal, fiduciary relationship to the feelings of joy and thanksgiving, and to mark the child's rite of child. Esther, orphaned at an early age, is raised .by 'her cousin passage into a new family . Mordecai. Though no formal adoption is indicated, Mordecai· . It might come as a surprise to learn that adoption, as a legal displays more than avuncular concern fOf her well-being and institution, does not exist in Jewish tradition, at least not in the education. We may also note that similar foster-relationships, same way that it is understood in civil law . But the lack of a formal, characterized either by rights of inheritance or bya fiduciary b~nd, traditional adoption ceremony does not indicate an indifference to exist between grandparent and grandchild, master and servant, and the need to express the emotions attendant upon the adoption employer and employee. I experience. * Nor does the Je'Yish tradition lack material; Jewish Rabbinic law also describes no formal adoption procedure., history, law, tradition, and practice are filled with examples of Rather, the Rabbinic court provided for the care of needy children caring for and nurturing of children who do not share a biological by the appointment of a legal guardian, an apotropos, who was relationship with their families. However, as in so many other responsible for the child's economic and educational welfare. An areas, the Jewish approach differs from that of the ambient culture. apotropos was appointed for orphaned children, for an asufi This essay will focus on some of the particularly Jewish concerns (foundling; a child with no known parents), and occasionally when surrounding adoption, especially some of the halachic problems. biological parents were incapable of providing adequate care. It While it is clear that the sources examined here will not necessarily was considered meritorious to take into one's house child reI) iil address all the concerns of the adoptive family, it is hoped that need of care and to raise them along with one's own fa~y.2 , they can be useful in creating a Jewish context for the adoption There are crucial differences between the Jewish and civil process. institutions of adoption. While Jewish law recognizes th~ possibil­ ity of creating a facsimile of parental and filial obligations that Adoption in the Jewish Tradition could approximate those in a biological relationship, tiie natural bond between parent and child cannot be legally severed. ThQugh a " Adoption as a logal institution was rare in Biblical and Rab­ child might be physically removed from the biological parents~ binic literature. The Bible contains several incidents of foster care some legal relationship to them was preserved. which, though not the equivalent of adoption, are noteworthy. Nevertheless, adoptive parents may create, with a vow, some-' thing very ~uch like a series of parental obligations, though 3 *1 have appended a ceremony that my wife and I wrote for the adoption of excluding the rights of inheritance. Even if the parents made no our second son. 1 am not aware of any other published adoption ceremonies, and vow, Rabbinic courts viewed the existence of a de-facto parent.; , would be happy to learn of them. child relationship as sufficient evidence that an unexpressed vow '110 RESPONSE GUIDE FOR JEWISH ADOPTIVE'P.uu;NiS.' Ut,"" had been taken. These assumed obligations were legally enforce­ Jewish courts even reserved the right to remove children from' able, not retractable, and even incumbent upon the adoptive their homes if it was deemed to be in their best interests. ' parents' heirs. The child so adopted assumed filial duties to the Furthermore, in a curious wrinkle of Rabbinic legislation, the ,,;oew parents by virtue of the generally accepted principle that it is commandment to have children is not incumbent upon women. appropriate to acknowledge and reciprocate the gifts we receive. Though a man must search for a wife wiiling to bear children (if h~ According to the Rabbis, even the rights of inheritance can be wishes to obey the commandment), no woman is likewise obliged , created artificially. Though by Biblical law an adopted child does to accept. These limitations of parenthood must be stressed,' not inherit from adoptive parents, the father may indicate in his particularly because of the widespread opinion that eve'ry couple is will that his adoptive children shall receive full and equal shares of entitled to children, regardless of whether or not there are children his estate. Some authorities go further and state that if the father in need of care. Even adoption agencies may see the pr()spective has publiciy assumed parental obligations, he is deemed to have adoptive parents as their clients, and are in turn expected to find a agreed to entitling his adoptive children, even should he die child, often to meet rigid specifications as to age, se~,. color, size, without a will. 4 and health. Infertility and Adoption Adoption Markets and Other Options While historically the function of adoption was to provide a There exist, in many countries, both "black" and "gray" home or insure the status of needy children, today many additional markets for procuring healthy white infants. The term "black motives exist. The desires of infertile couples to raise and nurture a market" in adoption refers to practices that include high-pressure child are often intense. Since searching for "adoptable" children is tactics designed to induce biological mothers to' sUITe"nder their often the first recourse of infertile couples, we should consider, children, kidnapping and trafficking in human lives, deception, however briefly, some Jewish issues associated with infertility. fraud, and child abuse. In this market, the buyer will pay several The charge to "be fruitful and mUltiply" (Genesis 1:28) was thousand dollars for delivery of a baby, no questions asked. the first commandment given to the first man and woman in the The "gray market" generally involves a third-party intermedi­ Garden of Eden. Fertility was a sure sign of Divine blessing. ary, usually a lawyer or doctor, who locates biological mothers Infertility was a bitter curse for Sarah and Abraham, Rachel and wishing to surrender their children and matches them with pre­ Hannah. Pseudo-remedies for this affliction were at a high pre­ spective adoptive parents.