PRO SE IN PO O R TA STE Editors Ben John Smith ~ Arthur Graham Copyright © 2017 by Horror Sleaze Trash ISB N -13: 978-1975745523 IS B N -1 0 : 19 7 5 7 4 5 5 2 3 /is book is a work of 3ction. Names, characters, business organizations, places, events, and incidents either are the product of the authors’ im agination or are used 3ctitiously. /e use of nam es of actual persons (living or dead), places, and characters is incidental to the purposes of the plot, and is not intended to change the entirely 3c tio n a l c h a ra c te r o f th e w o rk . No part of this work may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system , o r tran sm itted b y an y m ean s w ith o u t the w ritten perm ission of the authors or publisher, with the exception of short excerpts used in articles and critical review s. Foreword HST isn’t run w ith any real sense of consistency or urgency. O r professionalism for that fucking m atter. It’s run from the oddity-crow ded spare room in a house in W estmeadow s, M elbourne. It’s ran w ith a scream ing one year old running dow n the hallw ay banging on a pot lid with a wooden spoon. It’s ran in conjunction w ith a full-tim e job as a sandblaster w ith a m ortgage. It’s patched together w ith saliva and claret. It’s ran b y all th e afo rem en tio n ed th in g s an d th en it’s not. /e reasons why HST has had its longevity, credibility, and staunch loyal supporters is because of th e q u ality o f its co n trib u to rs. It’s really fu eled b y th e read ers an d th e w riters o f th e literary frin g e. It’s said often am ong w anky com m unity types that a team is like “fam ily.” H ST is a fam ily, but its parents are divorced, none of the kids talk to each other, its aunties and uncles are cult leaders living in bunkers wearing tinfoil hats, and the cousins are all queers, queens, and com m unists. It’s a b ro k en fam ily – b u t it su re ro ck s a m ean fu ck in g online zine, am irite? HST is a pure facilitation of freedom. Write what you w ant, how you w ant – and H ST w ill put that motherfuckin’ sh it o u t th e re . I’ve had people contact m e saying, “thanks for accepting m y w ork, it m eans a great deal to m e,” and I appreciate that kind of feedback, but... are you fu ck in g k id d in g m e? /anks for fucking sending me this shit! /anks for thinking highly enough of our little fucking broken fam ily to w ant your shit on our site! D on ’t th an k u s, the pleasure is O U R S. T oo m any w ebsites and publication com panies got the w hole fucking ballgam e wrong if you’re ask in g m e. I d o n ’t see how anyone has the right to tell anyone th eir w o rk isn ’t w o rth y o f p u b licatio n , isn ’t w o rth y o f having an audience. FU C K TH E M PE O PLE . Make the press work for you. YOU are the only fucking reason our press survives. SPIT AND BLEED INTO TH E FUCKING KEYBOARD. H ST IS NOT A PLACE FOR TH E FUCKING FAINT OF HEART, AND IT NEVER WILL BE. So, w ith all m y bursting black heart – m y m ost sin cerest ad m iratio n , ap p reciatio n , an d gratitu d e to all th e w o n d erfu l w riters w h o h ave sen t in th eir w o rk over the years. K eep it com ing thick and fast; you guys are fucking rock and roll. Editor in Unison, Ben John Smith In trod u ction When I 3rst started editingHST Quarterly, o u r ongoing poetry zine, I rem em ber thinking, “M an, wouldn’t it b e n ice if w e co u ld d o th e sam e sh it w ith all the prose that’s been posted over the years?” B ut th e task alw ays seem ed to o d au n tin g ; th ere w as sim p ly to o m u ch of it to w ad e th ro u g h . Now, after months and months of reading and editing, narrow ing dow n m y selections from nearly ONE THOUSAND PAGES worth of material, I can see w h y I w as initially put oM by the task. S till, looking back, I’m glad I saw things through to fru itio n , as th is is o n e h ell o f a co llectio n yo u are n o w holding in your hands. To echo Ben’s sentiments, HST has always been and will always be for the mis3ts. It has always been a place for the w riters and the stories shunned by publishers of the bland and inoMensive. Just because your w ork doesn’t sell in airports or big-box stores, or just because it gets rejected by “serious” journals or out3ts in desperate need of their ad revenue, that doesn’t m ean it isn’t any good, or that there’s no audience for it out there. All it means is that you need to start sending more of your shit our w ay, because w e fucking love it. /ere’s a lot of good variety to be found between these covers, including various shades or horror, sleaze, an d trash , b u t as p ro m ised b y th e su b title, I’d say it all falls u n d er th e b ro ad er categ o ry o f “P ro se in Poor Taste”. Seven years worth of it, to boot. In m ost cases, I’ve tried to keep m y edits to a minimum. Should you happen to be a contributor and should you happen to disagree, I’ll either buy you a drink or let you punch m e in the face if w e ever ch ance to m eet, perh aps even both if I think you’re sexy oM-p ap er as w ell. Enjoy! Editor in Unison, Arthur Graham Acknowledgements “S u p erm an ” o rig in a lly p u b lish e d b y B a re B a c k P re ss “G o t M e a D ate w ith an U p to w n G irl” origin ally published by /ree M inute Plastic “C h arlie’s C hunky M unching M eat” o rig in a lly published by Grivante Press “/e Case of the Already-Solved Case” originally published by Bizarro Central All others, to the best of the editors’ k n o w le d g e , originally published by H orror Sleaze Trash Table of Contents Slow est Drink at the Saddest Bar Steven Storrie 1 An Observational Piece of Flash Fiction I Will Probably Never Publish JeM O ’Brien 8 Buttons Alfonso Mango 10 A Boykiss Drip Misty Rampart 12 Turkey Buzzards Matthew Borczon 13 Dan Tells Me a Story at 4 a.m. While We Wait for Our Cabs Mather Schneider 16 Tarzan and Jane Discuss Identity Politics Melanie Brown 19 My /erapist Brian Rosenberger 20 Skywalker Steven Eggleton 22 I A w o ke W ith M y F ace in th e D irt Ju d so n M ich ael A g la 27 Family AMairs Ben John Smith 29 Mother’s Day Arthur Graham 34 Do Not Feed the Animals Paul Heatley 37 Motherfucking Zombies Jim m y B eard 40 Skin Flakes Tami Richardson 44 Superhero W ith a Bad Back Adam Hazell 46 All Rotten Apple Pie and Diseased Howdy Doody Kurt Eisenlohr 48 5/1/2017 Elliot Ross 53 Why Not? Sam J. Drane 55 Charley Matt Hutchison 58 Universal /emes Anyone Can Relate To Chelsea Martin 62 /e Owner’s R o o m Andrew Hilbert 64 Pretty Girls Mathias Nelson 72 Sexless Relationship Jen n y C atlin 77 Crimson & Chrome A. Lynn Blumer 79 No Contest Leo X. Robertson 87 Euphemistic Solipsistic Arthur Graham 88 /e Wasteland Motel Bud Smith 91 Screw Job Jo sep h F arley 99 /e Delivery Jo h n D . R o b in so n 107 Fairytales for Hard Men Tom Leins 111 Superman Karina Bush 116 Retreat Ben John Smith 118 Got Me a Date With an Uptown Girl Douglas Hackle 120 My Kind Of Justice Cal Marcius 127 Charlie’s Chunky Munching Meat Stephen M cQ uiggan 130 Tits, Cheapskates & Some Very Bad Poems Brenton Booth 138 Casual Sex At Narcotics Anonymous Michael Marrotti 143 Just M e and M y M icropenis Frank Greasestain 152 In ap p ro p riate R elation sh ip Robert Vogt 157 /e Metaphor of Poundcake Jo n K o n rath 162 /e Ugly Duckling (I’m a Fucking Swan) Brendon Lampe 173 Love At First Sight Tyler Gates 176 Excuse Me, But Did You Know Your Boobs are Made of Magic? Shawn Berman 178 /e Wilted Hipster Michael Marrotti 184 Household /ings David P.