october 2016 a binghamton media group publication [the spooky issue] Dear Reader, EDITORIAL BOARD The editors and I are happy to give Meet the E-board REGINA BELL you the first ever Spooky Issue of Publisher & President Free Press. And as a nice preamble SABRINA TENTEROMANO for your journey through our pub- Editor-In-Chief lication, I’d like to give you a list of LYDIA PEPE particularly terrifying things to get Layout Editor you in the mood: stalking some- Sabrina Tenteromano MICHAEL SUGARMAN one’s Facebook in public and them N thing Editor-in-Chief Photo Editor coming up behind you, getting Tox- Regina Bell Afraid of: Losing her teeth EDISON ALULEMA XIOMARA DAMOUR ic Shock Syndrome from tampons Publisher Treasurer Copy Editor because it literally seems like a Afraid of: Nothing MYCAH HAZEL myth to most girls, that recruitment Webmaster video by the Alpha Delta Pi soror- The Binghamton University Free Press is a ity at Texas University, the German Student Association Chartered student-writ- language, the future, getting hungry ten and managed newspaper published by the Binghamton Media Group for the Binghamton in the middle of a three hour class, University Community. sending a screenshot of a conversa- Lydia Pepe Layout Editor tion to the person whose conversa- Michael Sugarman The Editorial Board of the Binghamton Media tion you screenshotted, disagreeing Afraid of: Spiders Group has sole authority for the content of this Photo Editor paper. All inquiries can be sent to with an Aries, being a dog and get- Afriad of: Swans [email protected] ting your nuts cut off, being a hu- No part thereof may be reproduced in any man and getting your nuts cut off, form, in whole or in part without the explicit “We’re all out of guac,” and getting written consent of the Publisher. poisoned by your roommate. Copyright 2006-2016 Binghamton Media Group ENJOY, SUCKERS We would like to thank our printer, Gary Marsden Mycah Hazel Regina Bell Webmaster Edison Alulema Want to write, design, or photograph for us? Afraid of: Pitbull(s) Treasurer email us at [email protected] Afraid of: Having a small Front cover art by Michael Sugarman penis Back cover art by Regina Bell Xiomara Damour Copy Editor Afraid of: Falling down the stairs Binghamton: The Parlor City by editor sabrina tenteromano It was news to me to find out that one of the official unofficial names (that would be a nickname) of Binghamton is the “Parlor City”. The name is as old as December 1873 and, according to barrypopik.com, is ex- plained in a newspaper article from Septem- ber 1875 to have come from the city’s resem- blance of “a handsome parlor carpeted with green velvet, its walls covered with the most magnificent landscapes by the Great Artist.” The author of the article further writes, “The readers of the New York Daily Graphic will remember the fine pictures of the locality of which I write in the Binghamton supplement one of many exterior columns in the spring, and will believe me when I tell of the Parlor city….”. Of course, this defini- tion of parlor that the nickname refers to is that of a sitting room, or a room in a building for receiving guests. However, one might be inclined to consider a different, more specific definition of parlor as the rightful nickname storage (bodies????, of Binghamton: a funeral parlor. coffins???? urns???) Binghamton is also considered to be the “carousel capital of the world”. I have not seen one carousel in my three years here. What I have seen, however, are funer- al homes. And lots of them. Today, one can enjoy the facades of numerous parlor homes across downtown Binghamton, and even the entrails if tolerant enough to attend a party hosted by a fraternity living in one. However, what visitors may not know is that many of these houses were once funeral homes. There seems to be a funeral home on every corner stained glass. frosted glass of Binghamton. Some are clearly operating as such, while others fly under the radar as they have been converted into housing. Here I would like to present one home that encap- sulates both iterations of the parlor: page 5 parlor city wolfman frosted window page 6 a hopeful window to the next page 17 sausage party review 4 years page 18 jared leto reinvented the page 7 horoscopes role of the Joker like Heath Led- page 8 what scares people ger before him, but no one knows page 9 the ritual of lost consent that page 10 10 terrifying rales to tick- page 19 dont breathe review le your horror gland page 20 performance & hip hop: page 12 spooky bing saint pablo vs. summer sixteen page 14 costume play page 21 spooky cute lights in what was once the coffin elevator featuring page 16 stranger things review page 22 scream queens view from the staircase viewing area coffin at the bottom A Hopeful Window to the Next Four Years by ethan campbell building, and sinks in between the Unfortunately for the Melvin family, array of cracks in the sidewalk. Wild depression seems to be a guarantee for mutts sniff the ivy roots for possible aquarius Jeffrey Melvin wakes up seven out of eight Americans over the bugs, their ribbed bodies sufficiently (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) each morning, entirely loathing of his age of fifteen. The man turns on his honest and friendly. Uses Chinese communicate their lack of food. Rabid capricorn incumbency. He considers his shower faucet and downs some sulfur laden and famished, the dogs attempt to water torture to either kill u or make pisces (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) the highlight of his day. The act of water prior to stepping out of his door keep up with the convoy yet feebly u as crazy as them; don’t try persuad- (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) showering makes him entir ely naked and commuting to work. collapse after a mere block. appetite for conversation. Scams you ing them. dark, hunched over, hair a mess, you and without stress. Jeffrey does not As always, the military convoy The convoy rounds a corner over the phone, locates ur house, kills can hear them crying from a few wear a suit of falsehoods or a tie clip of waits outside his door. The large, cam- and drives through grandiose obsidi- u before u report them. Very chic. yards away, all the typical signs of a untruths as he does each day at work. ouflage humvee is parked on his lawn, an gates. After having once felt like a ~Horrorscopes~ Pisces. They slit ur throat with their Instead, warm ecstasy runs over the which has always enraged Jeffrey as giant in the abandoned sections of the coke nail. sorrowed-man’s body and it becomes he was hoping some grass would grow city, the overarching watchtowers now Boo! Did I scare u? OK, so impossible to diffe rentiate where the this year. Two men in military uniforms shrink Jeffrey, as thirsty machine guns here are the 12 Spooky Signs shower water ends and the tears begin. step out of the car, they are wearing seem to stare at him. People begin as their serial killer coun- The next step in Jeff’s schedule is to flak jackets and helmets, each one to fill the streets again, the GI’s hold terparts, completely depen- summon the strength to step out of armed with an AR-15 assault rifles. The most of them off with their riot gear, dent on each sign’s essence the shower. “Come on Jeff” he weeps, guns glean in the blinding glare of the but some of them manage to smack (Sun Signs), ty~~ “You can do this.” Jeff steps out of the sunlight, they must have been freshly up against the convoy. They weep and shower, without bothering to towel off. detailed this morning. Usually the press their bodies to the windows, aries by dan mcmonagle gemini The warm water seeping into his pores local elementary schools are responsi- some try to hand their infants to the (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19) (May 21 - June 20) is the sole daily phenomenon that Jeff ble for assembling and polishing the gunner sitting on top, yet he offers fun and unpredictable! Will take you you appear in a house of mirrors and can accurately predict. The rest of his military’s weapons, but it’s obvious nothing but the tip of his boot. The and a few friends, amputate your strobe lights, the Gemini appears to day is an insane ride of completely these were done with larger hands, windows become smeared with the limbs and try reassembling each you in multiples. Eventually they kill entropic events, each one proceeding they must have called on the homeless oils of people who lack access to water person’s body. Or maybe they’ll make u, cut off ur face, and construct two- with barely a break between. population for assistance. to drink, let alone water to bathe with. taurus Jeffrey marches into his you walk through coals, you can’t be faced mannequins. Jeffrey submits to his daily pat down. One of the soldiers draws his pistol (Apr. 20 - May 20) bedroom and puts on an all black suit, too sure ;) The larger of the two men is juxta- and fires two shots out the window frustrated with unpaid wages, the for each day is a funeral for smiles, posed with his gentler hands. After and a body slides down the side of Taurus quits her internship and laughter and happiness.