Vol. XIX No. 2 Coincidentally, We're the Country's Second Best Newspaper September 17, 1997 ISSUES h~ b·---·--~---~ ~F··e--rY~~--EI·~_··~PI~Br ~-P_ _ 9--C. -IILSC--~kPIll~~sP~·~·L~·PIBma~__k _L9C-9---ll sll~--pl Ip-··--~P-·~-- ---- - ld---- C_~- - -~L~A-----·-B~Y(e~l~·~PP~~ -~C~-- --- ·. Us.. ~ANTHM By Chris Sorochin signs appeared everywhere letting all know what would be for my athletic career, as if I cared. Then they already know--that it's illegal for those under he asked me if I'd bought alcohol anywhere else in "...Thanks for Prohibitionand the War Against Drugs 18 to buy tobacco, only now we're going to get town. He was especially keen on knowing whether Thanks for a country where nobody's allowed to tough. They might as well say "Big Brother is I'd been supplied by old man Lippert. Maybe he mind his own business Watching." One of my pet convoluted theories is was looking to settle some personal grudge. Thanks for a nation offinks . that all these Clean Living initiatives, which tend I can't say that this traumatic episode did much Yes, thanks for all the memories... to favor "just say no" puritanism and enforcement to instill respect for the law and its representatives You always were a headache and you always were a rather than any sort of rational discussion, are in me. Quite the contrary. Many school campuses bore..." geared toward fostering a generation used to in Suffolk County are designated as non-smoking, William S. Burroughs restrictions and producing identification on which means that teachers and other employees from his Thanksgiving Prayer (1986) demand. They also give a handy excuse for can also be fined and theoretically fired if they're increased policing of young people. Maybe it's caught puffing on school property. An aquaintance I promised Boring Vacation Slides and had a nifty because this generation will have less than their who teaches at one such school informs me that little yawn-a-thon all planned out, but as usual parents did and may not sit still for it. this rule is widely disobeyed by individuals of all another story just sort of found me (just like I've noticed, in talking to and reading the views ages. It seems to me that the lesson being taught is Brenda Starr!). Fortunately, it's not a totally unre- of those who lead this clean-up effort locally, that that government exists to enact small-minded and lated matter, so I've managed, through some deft there is little or no regard for what the adolescents overbearing laws that beg to be violated. Aren't splicing, to patch together a melange of images in themselves have to say. This again is great training laws supposed to make sense to those who are the most banal Filmmaking 101 surrealist- for an adult existence in which decisions are made supposed to follow them? wannabe style. Just for laughs, I've thrown in without consultation from those who are required Nor is there any open defiance of these stupid vignettes from previous trips as well as a harrow- to follow them. laws. Do the so-called adults at these schools (and iEg flashback from my own twisted past. Pleasant Somewhere between Pisa and Piombino: I'm everyone else who works in places where you have dreams. taking advantage of Europe's "backwardness" and to leave the building to smoke) really enjoy being light up on the train. Long-distance trains have treated as if they were not-very-bright children, Schiphol Airport, Amsterdam: As I step out of smoking cars and those who don't care for smoke unable to act responsibly on their own? the arrival gate to seek out my connecting flight, I sit in the non-smoking cars. This silly arrangement East Germany: By the end of the Communist behold a welcome sight: a designated smoking has been done away with in the Land of Enforced regime, one citizen in five was either an agent of area wreathed in its own cloud of noxious fumes. I Wholesomeness. Hmm. the state or an informer, giving the ironically- don't want a cigarette after six hours in a sealed We're the only industrialized country with no named German Democratic Republic the world's metal tube, but I feel like kissing the tile and exalt- national health care system, but we appear to have record. ing, "Civilization!" For the next twelve days, I'm the most rules about personal behavior. One Spanish Port Jefferson: On a much more prosaic level, free of the American Morality State with its student I know calls the US "the Land of Rules," smoking fines are a tremendous cash cow for the omnipresent "We Card" signs and entire buildings which is a far cry from the image most Americans county. The businesses "stung" will be coughing where smoking is forbidden because someone have of it being freer than anywhere else. up (no pun intended) from $300-$500. It's $100 just somewhere has decreed the world will come to a Port Jefferson: I call William Stojek of Suffolk for not having an annoying sign -- another wel- sudden and bitter end if anyone smokes in even a County Health Services for more data on what my come absence abroad. Mr. Stojek claims to have broom closet. The Netherlands has legalized legal advisor says sounds like "a textbook case of "hit" well over 100 businesses this year. Do the drugs, but there aren't any hash houses at the air- entrapment." Several people I've spoken to say math and you'll see that the Morality Police gener- port, so I settle for a couple insidiously potent that the 15-year-old girl used as the cigarette-solic- ate a healthy bit of revenue, just like a small-town Dutch beers and stand there NOT hearing, "Let's iting "decoy" was dressed up in a way that no speed trap, or on a more sophisticated level, the see some ID." teenager would be. An immigrant from India who DEA, which seizes people's homes, cars and other Greenville, South Carolina: Downtown was stung in Nassau County says his decoy sport- assets. Erich Goode, of the Sociology Department, Greenville has the same upscale accoutrements as ed a full beard (this gentleman was accosted by speaks of "moral entrepreneurs;" folks who carve every other aspiring city center in North America: four agents and fingerprinted-- maybe his immi- their own niche in the law-enforcement business ethnic restaurants, artsy shops, espresso bars and grant status accorded him special treatment). Mr. by originating a crusade against something hither- microbreweries. There's a big outdoor festival with Stojek tells me that decoys are instructed not to to unpunished. The most famous example of this is live music and non-microbrewed beer is served. dress up. the "reefer madness" campaign of the 1930's, Hot Dog. To drink one must wear a fluorescent Where are these decoys recruited from? The one which inspired scores of new laws and punish- green wristband. "Why am I tagged like a mal- in question, I'm told, is someone caught smoking ments, as well as loads of new search and seizure lard?" I demand of my brother-in-law. "There are in school and whose punishment is to be part of powers for police. underage people here and you might give them this noble undertaking. "She's learning a lesson the I wonder how many essential public health pro- beer." Heaven forbid. The plaza in which this is hard way," Stojek says. grams might go begging while the Youth of taking place is plastered with signs listing Rules of Allegany, NY: I'm 16 and my friend Greg and I America is saved from tobacco. Whether anyone is Conduct. There are also police lounging against a are doing what is not unusual for us; hanging out being saved is another question -- any sympathet- wall just in case anyone gets too out of control at this house and watching TV with a couple of ic individual 18 or over can buy butts for someone before the shut-off time of 7pm. Nobody does. beers to ease the ennui brought about by six younger, or vendors can deal only with minors Milan, Italy: It's sunset and I'm in the huge months of upstate winter. I've purchased the bev- they know personally. And I wouldn't be too sur- Piazza Duomo, sucking on a beer and ruminating erages right down the street at Club 17, a college prised if some enterprising 18-year-old is already on life's contradictions. So are lots of others. The hangout. The phone rings. It's Officer Pezzimenti, running a nice little Junior Achievement black beer isn't in the ridiculous brown bag we're accus- the town cop. He wants me to come outside to his market, like the bootleggers during Prohibition. tomed to here, and the not-too-noticeable cara- patrol car. What can I do but comply? "Get in", he Prohibition was also used as a handy pretext for binieri don't seem to care. I've also noticed you can says, and when I do he points to his rear view mir- raids directed at immigrants, minorities and the walk down the street with a naked beer bottle and ror, "Know what this is?" Must be a trick question, working class. The Ku Klux Klan, very active'on no one will give you a second glance.