I.- he J.i st on-y Br o Vol. XVI No.12 The University Community's Feature Paper March 27, 1995 9 P ea 4a Sf a a e n A a a ca * p 4 adA */ e I c a m e Taa ' n • i 9 Onn Th•A In V II I lII 11131~~irli --•'-b .. " ..t a' . 1 ' I -'• 2:2, -Se I ...................... by Doug Vescuso something like fourteen hundred miles of stairs in two flights of stairs, got a pass, back down two the Capitol. An amazing feat of engineering when flights, across the street, back up the damn stairs, Some people come to Washington D.C. to see the you think about it. Coming at the building from the and we found ourselves tired, achy, pissed off, and monuments, others come to visit the museums, mall we climbed the half billion steps. The steps are most of all having to pee. It seems that the builders and then there are the political geeks who come to designed for midgets, if they were normal steps it of the Capitol shot their load on stairs, because see our government in action. I came to would only require about two million steps.Upon there is only one toilet in the entire building. After Washington because I'm one of those geeks. My reaching the top we discovered that you can't enter following bizarre directions and traversing hun- mission while in Washington was to witness Uncle from that side. Naturally we couldn't just walk dreds of miles of stairs we came to the lone toilet. Newt and the Republican majority ram legislation around the top of the building. That would be too There were about sixty people on line ahead of us. down the spineless liberal scum's throats. Well, fucking simple; no we had to walk down all the Being on a tight schedule and having little toler- that and I'd heard a rumor that there's a bar in D.C. stairs, circle around the nce for waiting with a hang- that has over six hundred beer selections, but that building, and climb the over we simply sauntered is an entirely different story altogether. front stairs. We were over to the sink and convert- Bright and early one morning my roommate and more then a little ed it into a urinal. I set out for the Capitol building. Actually it wasn't queasy by the time we With our bladders emptied bright and early, in fact it was already afternoon; got to the front door. and hands filled with passes we had patronized the aforementioned bar the Once inside we tried to we proceeded to the House evening before and had done our best to try every get into the House gallery. The lady at the metal last beer. So we set out for the Capitol groggy and Gallery and were told detector informed us that annoyed, suffering from a low grade hangover, in by the guy at the door that we needed passes. "Well there is no talking, cheering, reading, applauding, search of rabid Republicans. The weather was where do you get passes?" I asked. "Go to the build- writing, or hat wearing(unless your religion compels absolutely beautiful. Unfortunately the last thing I ing next door and find your Representative's office. you to wear some strange sort of head gear) allowed wanted was fucking sunlight. To make matters Then just ask them for a pass. They always give in the gallery itself. "But I can still masturbate, worse we hadn't anticipated the temperature them out. If they don't stop by any Representative's right?" I asked. I don't think she got it. Once inside being in the eighties. Wearing jeans and heavy office and they will give you a pass." The kind, if we were witnessing a heated debate. Near as we shirts we were not only groggy but sweaty and somewhat less then bright man explained. "You could tell, they were debating whether or not to smelly to boot. We decided to purchase those stu- mean I can get a pass from any representative's starve children. There was much talk from the pid Washington D.C. T-shirts from a street vendor. office, and they never say no to a request?" I asked Democratic side about starving children. The At four for ten dollars even if they fall apart after incredulously. "Yes, that's right." He replied. "Well Republicans countered with the this is the two washings it's still a value. then, just let me in and pretend I walked all the way Democrats mess, they've been in charge for forty So there we were styling in our D.C. for Statehood up and down the stairs outside and got myself a stu- years, we're merely trying to clean things up by T-shirts and three dollar sunglasses heading for the pid pass." I pleaded most sincerely. "I'm sorry I starving these children. This went on for some time. Capitol. The Capitol is a remarkable building. It is can't do that." The sadistic prick explained. The strange thing was all of the representatives who made up almost entirely of stairways. There is After hiking down the stairs, across the block up got up and made impassioned continued on page 11 by John Guiffo Boy, am I lucky I came to my senses! nition for a number o' )dos webt done. All this confusion started when I saw a flyer the Ideas tossed around at that fateful senate meeting Recently, I found out that I was a member of the College Republicans had posted around campus were things such as free admission to COCA films, aristocracy, and boy-howdy, was I relieved. This of that said, "STOP ARISTOCRACY! STOP POLITY a discount at Colours Cafe, a free soda at senate course meant that I had nothing to worry about SENATE PERKS!" Being that I was the senator meetings, maybe some goddamn cookies. Some concerning the proposed budget cuts: I was a mem- who introduced the particular piece of legislation people felt this was dangerous. The Statesman dedi- ber of the aristocracy, and as such, I would be well they were referring to into the senate, I thought cated an entire editorial to it. Why, we might set up cared-for by the powers that be. "Of course," I they must have meant that I was an aristocrat. a system of stipends pretty soon, maybe a Stony thought, "it all makes sense now." Why hadn't I Man, was I ever wrong. I didn't take into account Brook equivalent of the House bank, perhaps we'd seen it before? I am a white male, and as a member Rule #1 pertaining to Republicans: every syllable even get post-senate meeting hookers! Who knew of that groovin' club of hepcats, I am entitled to cer- that finds its way out of their Gingrich-cum laced what we were capable of? If we weren't stopped, we tain societal privileges that others aren't. "Yes!" I mouths is a bold-faced lie. How could I forget that might soon be funneling out thousands of dollars was ecstatic, let me tell you. I promptly phoned my qh-so-important rule? Silly me. from the students pockets into ours, such clever new buddy, Governor George, and told him that I had introduced the aforementioned piece of legis- aristocrats were we! DAMN YOU, TOM MASSE! there must have been a mix-up with my birth reg- lation into the Polity Senate because of two reasons. You hath thwarted our evil plans once again, you istry. I told him who I was and that I had it from a The first and most important was the fact that I felt ever-vigilant champion of the downtrodden! good source, namely the University at Stony we needed to look into ways of battling the over- Well, the legislation is still alive and well, thank Brook's College Republicans, that I was an aristo- whelming amount of apathy that has entrenched you very much, and after some discussion, the com- crat. I asked him for those aristocrat-type things itself into every dirty little comer of this campus. No mittee decided to change the focus of the incentive that I had been denied growing up, y'know, well- one gives a shit and I wanted to look into ways of proposal. We are now looking at the feasibility of off, educated parents who were active in local helping people to give a shit. Basically, I wanted to making a Polity senate position a for-credit one. social circles, some compensatory money, and a car, offer an incentive or two for people to look into Perhaps Political Science credit. The members of the because, well...aristocrats must have cars. How the becoming a representative of their building or the committee felt this would be a more effective and hell else are we supposed to attend all those cool commuter college. There are a number of unfilled just means of compensation. It makes sense: I spend cotillions? At first there was silence. Then, do you seats for the residence halls and twice as many for more time on Polity-related matters than I do on know what happened next? The Governor hung up commuters. Perhaps there was something Polity some of my classes. Hopefully, the legislation will on me! I couldn't believe it! I would still be reeling could do to attract someone to this thankless job.