Connection Through Self-Compassion and Compassion for Others: Reaching the Minds and Hearts of Those We Serve Roseann Cervelli, MS, LACDC, CCS, CPS [email protected] 732-937-5437 Ext.122 Compassion, COVID 19 And the Year 2020: A New Threshold for Humanity Objectives • To analyze and explore how Mindful Self-Compassion serves as an antidote to apathy and disconnection in today’s world. • To define Mindful Self-Compassion and Compassion for Others as an approach to well-being, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. • To describe how Compassion Awareness can address meeting Basic Core Needs and healing Core Wounds • To explore the Neuroscience within Compassion Focused Therapy and Compassion Awareness. • To introduce and experience several Mindful Compassion Exercises and Practices What words come to mind when you hear or see the word "APATHY"? ⓘ Start presenting to display the poll results on this slide. What Is Apathy ? A feeling and/or attitude of indifference, unconcern, unresponsiveness, detachment, dispassion. An absence of interest or concern about emotional, social, spiritual, philosophical and/or physical life and the world. Why Apathy? To understand the part of us that Rarely is it good to run, but we are wants nothing to do with the full wiser, more present, more mature, necessities of work, of more understanding and more relationship, of loss, of seeing thoroughly human when we realize what is necessary, is to learn we can never flee from the need to humility, to cultivate self- run away. compassion and to sharpen that - David Whyte, Consolations: The Solace, Nourishment and sense of humor essential to a Underlying Meaning of Everyday Words (2106) merciful perspective of both a self and another. Why Are We Here? The Compassion of Mr. Rogers In 2013, in response to the Boston Marathon Bombing, Fred Rogers said, “When I was a boy and would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping…” You are the helpers…Welcome Run to the rescue with love, and peace will follow…. (River Phoenix) Our Basic Core Needs • To be safe • To love and be loved • To belong, to bond • To be connected • To have purpose meaning and direction • To be confident and competent • To be able to make decisions • To have freedom • To experience fulfillment • To survive, thrive Core Needs • When our Core Needs are met, we feel a basic sense of reward, security, relief and control of life. • When our Core Needs are not met or neglected, we can become powerless, uncertain, alienated, estranged, lonely, blameworthy, shamed, ill, lost, anxious, depressed. Core Wounds • Abandonment • Loss of love • Loss of belonging and connection • Loss of safety • Abuse, physical, mental, emotional • Insecurity • Betrayal • Trauma • Shame and self-hatred • Loss of trust • Isolation What is Compassion? Compassion Given and Received Breakout Rooms: 6 minutes • 1-2 minutes to introduce yourselves to each other • Total of 2 minutes for each to share #1 • Total of 2 minutes for each to share #2 Reflect about a time when: 1. Someone offered compassion to you & how it made you feel 2. You offered compassion to someone & how you felt “The unique quality of compassion is that its benefits extend to the one who offers it, the one who receives it, and all those who witness compassion in action.” - Kelly McGonigal Reflection: Components of Compassion Enter into chat a word that describes feelings that come from giving or receiving Compassion. I was riding a subway on Sunday morning in New York. People were sitting quietly, reading papers, or resting with eyes closed. It was a peaceful scene. Then a man and his children entered the subway car. The man sat next to me and closed his eyes, apparently oblivious to his children, who were yelling, throwing things, even grabbing people’s papers. I couldn’t believe he could be so insensitive. Eventually, with what I felt was unusual patience, I turned and said, “Sir, your children are disturbing people. I wonder if you could control them a little more?” The man lifted his gaze as if he saw the situation for the first time. “Oh, you’re right,” he said softly. “I guess I should do something about it. We just came from the hospital where their mother died about an hour ago. I don’t know what to think and I guess they don’t know how to handle it either.” Suddenly, I saw things differently. And because I saw differently. I felt differently. I behaved differently. My irritation vanished. I didn’t have to worry about controlling my attitude or my behavior. My heart filled with compassion. “Your wife just died? Oh, I’m so sorry. Can you tell me about it? What can I do to help?” Everything changed in an instant. How Much Do We Really See and Know? Sometimes we rush to judgment and we don’t get the whole story… • Research shows we are exposed to 11 million pieces of information at any given time, but our brain can only handle about 40. • Our brain creates shortcuts so that we can make decisions quickly without overwhelm. • Automatic responses create bias, judgment, criticism for self/ others. • Implicit/unconscious bias, micro/macroaggressions and lack of compassion result. What Is Compassion? • According to religious historian, Karen Armstrong, the word for Compassion in Semitic languages (rahamanut in Hebrew and Rahman in Arabic) is related to the word for “womb,” evoking the mother’s love for her child, as an archetypal expression of our compassion. • At its Latin roots, compassion means “to suffer with.” • Compassion is a sense of concern that arises when we are confronted with another’s suffering, understand and feel their pain, and feel motivated to see that suffering relieved. What is Compassion? • Compassion is a function of the heart that is loving and quivers in response to suffering and that has the capacity to respond with appropriate action. (Kate Johnson) • Compassion is always a response to suffering. (Kelly McGonigal) • Compassion is the AWARENESS of our own and other’s suffering, the ATTITUDE that we are all one, and that it takes ACTION in choosing what we are to do about awareness and action. (Joyce Rupp) Y Yin and Yang of Self-Compassion Yin: Physical movements: open palms, extend embracing arms, hands on heart – Comforting, soothing, validating – Being with ourselves Yang: Physical movements-hand with a “stop” message, arms/hands giving and receiving, thumbs up sign! – Protecting, providing, motivating – Acting in the world Components of Compassion Kelly McGonigal describes the Components of Compassion: • AWARENESS and RECOGNITION of suffering. We see, realize someone or some community is suffering, is in distress, struggling in pain. • A FEELING of concern or connection to the one or community that is suffering. We understand, care, and feel connected in some way. • A DESIRE to relieve the suffering. We see the pain, feel it, care and want the person to suffer less, to relieve some of the pain and struggle. Now there is a MOTIVATION behind our feeling. Components of Compassion • A BELIEF that you can make a difference, a sense of “I can do something. I can help in some way, I can stay and listen even if I can’t solve it. I can do some small thing to make a difference. • A WILLINGNESS to RESPOND and take ACTION. The opposite of denial, giving up, shutting down, running away or distracting oneself. • A WARM GLOW of satisfaction that comes from the sense of connection you feel, feeling closer to others. A heart- warming feeling or glow that comes from a sense of knowing that you made a difference. Feeling a sense of yourself as part of the common humanity, that we all suffer and we all have something to offer. Compassion and Connection Sympathy, Empathy, Compassion- What is the Difference? Sympathy - I can understand or imagine how you feel. • Caring and understanding for the suffering of others • Not always truly involved in the feeling of others • Sympathy says, “I understand and feel sorry for you.” Empathy – “I see empathy as a piece of compassion-building.” (Cindy Wigglesworth) • The ability to actually feel, understand and experience the feelings of another person • Putting oneself in the shoes of another • An emotional response and a cognitive understanding • Empathy says, “I am you.” Source: Scott Stabile, from the “The Difference Between I’m Sorry and I’ve Been There.” Sympathy, Empathy Compassion What’s the Difference? Compassion - I feel with you and act skillfully to relieve your suffering • Perceiving and connecting with another’s suffering, joined with readiness to want to see the relief of suffering; a more empowered state • Responding to suffering with understanding, patience and kindness, rather than with repulsion and fear • Opening up to the reality of suffering and seeking its alleviation. • Compassion says, “I am here to help relieve your suffering.” About Empathy & Sympathy The Seven Components of Empathy Source: Helen Weiss, from The Empathy Effect The Neuroscience of Empathy & Compassion Empathy is located in the pain Compassion is located in the: regions of the brain • Prefrontal cortex • Amygdala (fight, flight, freeze, • Medial orbitofrontal cortex fawn) (learning and reward) • Insula (emotion and self- • Ventral striatum (also reward) awareness) • Prosocial regions of the brain • Anterior cingulate cortex (emotion and consciousness) It is the ability to not just care for Developed as part of the brain that those close to us, but to care for makes us stand together as family, everyone. Compassion raises us to society. Keeps us more on an the solution level. emotional reaction level. “When someone feels compassionate, the feeling is other-focused, positive and protects against burnout.” Source: Veronika Tait, Ph.D., Psychology Today.Turn Empathy into Compassion without the Empathetic Distress.