why CONSENT is your CONCERN what it is & why it matters TABLE OF CONTENTS Particulars Page No. Chapter 1 - Consent 101 1-5 Chapter 2 - What Does Consent Look Like? 6 Chapter 3 - Sexisim in Our Culture - Toxic Masculinity, Gender Roles, 7 and Cultural Norms Chapter 4 - Microaggressions and Providing Creative Comebacks to 8-9 Racist, Sexist and Homophobic Slurs Chapter 5 - Consent Goes Global 10-11 Chapter 6 - What is Online Consent? 12-13 Chapter 7 - Consent in Committed Relationships 14 Chapter 8 - Consent in Polyamorous Relationships and BDSM 15 Communities Chapter 9 - Consent in Monogamous Relationships 16 Chapter 10 - 25 Tips on How to be Respectful in Relationships 17-18 Glossary 19-23 Chapter 1 Consent 101 Consent? Remind Me Again What That Is The quick and easy definition of consent is; “A mutual engagement between two or more parties to engage in sexual ac​ tivity. Following on the heels of this definition, consent has many faces depending on the context, the people and the situation in question. Although most frequently associated with sex, consent is vital in all forms of physical contact like kissing, hand holding and hugging. Consent is also key in digital environments with relation to sharing sexually explicit pictures or texts through chat rooms and online sites. Consent opens the floodgates to a very important conversation; one that is unlocked with a simple key - communication. The bonus? Asking for consent isn’t hard, once you know how! Important Definitions Sexual Assault The use of force or coercion, physical or psychological, to make a person engage in sexual activity. Sexual Violence Sexual violence is defined as a sexual act committed against someone without that person’s freely given consent. Survivor A person who has experienced non-consensual sexual contact, often referred to as a “victim”, however, the latter term is considered to have a negative connotation. Rape Culture Rape culture is a sociological concept used to describe a setting in which rape is pervasive and normalized due to societal attitudes about gender and sexuality. Behaviors​ commonly ​ ​ ​ associated with rape culture include victim blaming, slut shaming, sexual objectification, 1 trivializing rape, denial of widespread rape, refusing to acknowledge the harm caused by some ​ ​ forms of sexual violence, or some combination of these. What is Affirmative Consent? ● The idea that only a “yes” actually means “yes” because women are never interested in pursuing sex, so there is the need to assume that saying “no” really means “try again later”. ● This runs the risk of making someone uncomfortable and unheard because you are not actually listening to what they are saying. ● Also, the idea that men need to become pushy both physically or verbally in order to get sex because there is the notion that women do not want sex as much as men again makes the need for affirmative consent to be more commonly practiced. ● Affirmative consent is amazing because it gets people to have discussions about what both individuals and their partners are comfortable and uncomfortable with both in and outside the bedroom, so that no one is risking sexual assault and everyone is cool with what is happening. ● Getting an affirmative, “yes” is sexy because it can lead to some really great times with the person that you get the “yes” from and really set somebody off. Let’s Further Unpack the Concept of Consent Consent is vital to the equation, it keeps everybody in the loop, it requires conversation to sustain itself, it adds chemistry to said equation, and it absolutely needs to be present to help ​ ​ the equation reach its ultimate conclusion. To elaborate on this concept, Consent is: Considerate Consent begins with respect and consideration for the partner/s involved in the activity. Consent doesn’t necessarily have to be verbal. However, that does help avoid miscommunication between partners. Nonverbal consent requires reading between the lines. This implicitness leaves room for confusion and could potentially cause one partner to cross an unwanted boundary. You care about the other person, right? Then you would want the experience to be mutually enjoyable. The conversation on consent begins before you engage in the encounter and continues right until the very end. Make sure your partner is on the same page, has their 2 boundaries and needs respected, and has their desires addressed throughout. Remember, it is about the other person just as much as it is about you. So ask your partner whether or not they’re comfortable and really want to take part in the activity you have in mind. Even if your partner gives you a response in the affirmative, consent doesn’t end there. You could ask them how and where they like to be touched, what their favourite positions/fantasies/props are and whether or not they’re into roleplay. “Consent leaves absolutely no room for assumptions. ​ ​ ​ Ongoing Consent involves constantly checking in with your partner/s to make sure they’re just as psyched with the activity as when they first started. Not consenting does not mean the absence of a “yes” or just pure silence. You don’t have to get monotonous and repetitively ask your partner if they are okay. Get creative with your consent! “You into this as much as I am?” “I’d love to hear the sound of your voice right about now.” “I’m incredibly into you. Do you feel the same?” “How does this feel? Would you like me to keep going?” “Do you like it when I ?” … “Of course, consent can be withdrawn at any time and that is something you​ need to respect and roll with. If you sense even a hint of reluctance, uncertainty, or receive verbal or nonverbal cues hinting otherwise, that’s your cue to stop. 3 Fundamental Simply put, sex without consent amounts to sexual assault. Consent is a large part of what makes sex so enjoyable. At the risk of spelling out the obvious, sexual assault has a very serious, long-term impact on the survivor. Most would assume that asking for consent is too technical or a total turn off. We beg to differ. It’s the sexiest, most self-aware act on the planet. Picture it. To have your partner/s be as eager to get into your pants as you are into theirs, is sexier than anything that comes to mind. The conversation on consent begins with simple nuances. Do they initiate? Did they take their clothes and yours off? Are they able to respond to your questions coherently? Do they want to continue with the same eagerness as when they first started? Consent is crucial. Enough said. Familiar Consent means both parties are fully aware of and familiar with the situation at hand. If one partner gives their consent on the premise that the other partner will use a condom, but the other partner doesn’t, consent has been invalidated. If one partner assents only to kissing but the other partner ventures into groping, consent has been revoked. If one partner promises to engage in sexual activity with the use of a safe word, but the other partner ignores the safe word during the act, consent has, you guessed it, been vetoed. Enthusiastic Consent is a pleasure not a pain. Giving consent is enthusiastic and eager and should not seem like a chore. It should be a voluntary decision given free from coercion or manipulation. This one is easy to pick up on. Plenty of nonverbal gestures, such as body language, tell you whether the other party is into it as much as you are. In effect, if they do say “yes”, but that “yes” is given begrudgingly or seems like it is an obligation, that does not amount to consent. For example, in committed relationships, one partner might feel like it is their duty to fulfil the sexual desires of the other, even if the first partner doesn’t want to. Educated There are many wonderful resources to get schooled on consent. It gets easier when you make a conscious decision to incorporate asking for consent into your internal dialogue. Consent should be an impulse not an afterthought. Start by initiating consent in small ways; when you want to hold someone’s hand, when you want to hug somebody, when you want to give them a kiss on the cheek. 4 Remember, consent is not recyclable. Just because you had sex with “ ​ ​ th​ em last week when they gave you their consent, doesn’t mean that same consent holds good for this week. You have to start the conversation all over again. Since the topic is shrouded in taboo, most prefer to avoid it. However, consent is a whole conversation that needs to be had before, during and after the act. Ignorance about consent is never an excuse to sidestep it. Consent is, of course, a two-way street and needs to be reinforced at every juncture by all participants. Here are some interesting resources to browse through just so you’re in the know. YouTube - Jam, 2013, by Karen B.K. Chan (SexEd Project) YouTube - Tea Consent (Blue Seat Studios) Ryerson University - Consent Comes First Sober Although consent seems relatively simple to follow through with, oftentimes consent is misunderstood. Consent cannot be given while intoxicated. Consent is very straightforward and isn’t a cipher. If your partner says “yes”, but is clearly under the influence, consent is invalidated. Engaging in sexual activity in such a situation is a criminal offence. 5 Chapter 2 What Does Consent Look Like? “Consent is multifaceted and multidimensional. Consent does not follow a ​one-size-fits-all mentality.