The Ultimate Book of Bathroom Etiquette and Humor 0842-GLAN The Ultimate Book of Bathroom Etiquette and Humor LARRY A. GLANZ 0842-GLAN Copyright © 1999, 2005 by Larry A. Glanz. Library of Congress Number: 00-191326 ISBN #: Hardcover 0-7388-2578-6 Softcover 0-7388-2579-4 All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner. This book was printed in the United States of America. To order additional copies of this book, contact: Xlibris Corporation 1-888-7-XLIBRIS www.Xlibris.com [email protected] Contents Acknowledgments ....................................................................9 Preamble ................................................................................... 13 Introduction ............................................................................. 15 Chapter 1: A Breath of Fresh Air ..................................... 25 Chapter 2: Flush Now, or Blush Later ........................... 33 Chapter 3: A Time and a Place for Everything ........... 41 Chapter 4: Cleanliness and Thoughtfulness Are Next to Godliness ................................................... 47 Chapter 5: Addressing Issues of Towels and Toilet Tissues................................................................................. 57 Chapter 6: Give it a Jiggle . Give it a Wiggle .......... 65 Chapter 7: Behind Closed Doors ...................................... 71 Chapter 8: Bathroom Etiquette Nursery Rhymes ...... 77 Chapter 9: Bathroom Etiquette Song Parodies............ 85 Chapter 10: “Fartlett’s” Unfamiliar Quotes .................135 Chapter 11: Confuse-us Rules of Bathroom Etiquette ...........................................................................143 Chapter 12: The Commandments of Bathroom Etiquette ...........................................................................151 Chapter 13: For Gracious Hosts and Hostesses .......163 0842-GLAN Chapter 14: For Ladies Only ........................................... 171 Chapter 15: For Men, Thoughtful Of Women ........... 177 Chapter 16: For Food Handlers .....................................181 Chapter 17: Techno-Jingles For Computer Geeks ....185 Chapter 18: All About Pet-iquette ..................................195 Chapter 19: Strictly Shower And Tub ..........................205 Chapter 20: Don’t Be Skittish . It’s Only Yiddish ............................................................211 Chapter 21: Bathroom Thoughts ................................... 237 A Final Word .........................................................................245 Glossary Of Bathroom Terminology.............................247 Dedication To my mother, to whom I owe it all. To my dear departed dad, whose spirit lives on within me. To my late grandfather Sam Spitalny, who provided the inspiration for my profession. To my sister, Barbara, and nieces, Wendy and Lisa, of whom I am incredibly proud. Special thanks to my stepdad Harry, and my nephews-in-law Michael and Eric, who are the icing on the cake to our family. To Kim, my soulmate, lifemate, and main squeeze for eternity. To my wonderful boys Tom, Tam and Thu. To my posse, Noble, Edgar and Allen, who brighten up my life. 0842-GLAN Acknowledgments I would like to thank all of the people and places that were an inspiration for this book. Also, I would like to ac- knowledge those individuals who encouraged me to write this book or that aided in the input and preparation of this material. Acknowledgements go out to Ray and Linda Slawecki at Holly Hill Health Foods, Michael and Hope Laurence at Nature’s Harvest, David and Molly Rumsey at Great Pump- kin Market, Harry Zabarkes and Steve Schwartz at Harry’s Natural Foods, Adele Ruff and Clay Dubose at Jarrow For- mulas, Bill Downs, Bill Palat, David Klein, Moshe Degh, Cliff Sikoric, Elaine and Mike Kilgannon at Second Nature, Diane and Lloyd Burg at Healthy Alternatives, Jim Wilk at North Penn Health Food Center, Joan Durso at Sign of the Bear, Janet Jaffe at Essene Natural Foods, Joyce and Bruce Cook and Lorraine Miley at Cooks Natural Foods, Mark and Karen Davis and Mark Stayton at Martindales Natural Foods, Gloria Novak at Queens Nutritional Products, CJ Jaindl at 0842-GLAN 10 LARRY A. GLANZ Queens of Souderton, Bill Nelling at Selene Whole Foods Co-op, Jerry Hannah at Penn Herb Co., Tim Bauman at Fresh Fields Market, Shelly Friedman at Earth Foods, Bob Junas at Junas Natural Foods, Harriet Frey at Freys Better Foods, Monica LaPorte at Earthlight Natural Foods, Jan MacAvoy at Haars Health Foods, Lorraine Kayais at Festi- val Health Foods, Marty Burman at Burmans Natural Foods, June Ferrari and Dave DeFebo at Health Revolutions, Craig Trude and Rick Guerriero at Healthworks, Maxine Sorace at Everything Natural, Tami Tasker Shaffer at Mother Earths Pantry, Siri Neel Singh, Karen Thompson and Jenn Sariano at Avatars Golden Nectar, Jeanie and Mark Cosgrove at Plumstead Natural Foods, Barbara Janette at Taste of Na- ture, Cindy Hughes at Sunny Days Health Store, Marty Fidler at Bayshore Nutrition Center, Julie at Health Cup- board, Amy at Cornerstone Natural Foods, Gary Wolf at Garys World of Wellness, Marybeth Appert at Healthtique, Linda Baird at Annville Natural Foods, Debbie Wilbert at Bunns Natural Foods, Emily Dean and Pam at Bonterra Market, Peg McGarvey at Dresher Natural Foods, Maralyn and Carolyn at Sprouts/Wildberry’s, Ron at Honey Tree Natural Foods, Ann and Nancy at Natures Cupboard, Terry at Natures Marq, Rose and Brian Faulstick at New Life Nu- trition, Janet Garner and Carol Landis at Nutritional Foods, Carol Dimmler at Penns Village Natural Foods, Tom and Bill Shaffer at Shaffers Health Center, Ann Marie Brambilla at Shadyside Country Store, Linda and Dave at Nature’s Way Natural Foods, Joanne and Ed at The Korner Kupboard, Loretta at Naturally Yours, Don at Pura Vita, Galina and David at World of Health, Al and Helen Morohovech at Musclemag International, Jon Holznagel at To Your Health Natural Foods, Rudy Ringwald at Black Forest Acres, Donna The Ultimate Book of Bathroom Etiquette and Humor 11 and Barry Kaplan at Everything Natural, Barb and Don Jarmoska at Fresh Life, Chris and Kate Snyder at The Natu- ral Food and Garden Store, Mike at Main Line Health Food International, Jim and Paul Emerson at Paulines Health Foods, Dr. Michael LaQuasta at Naturally Right, Greg at Natural Health, Lisa at Good and Natural, Sharon and Bill at The Health Tree, Ben Briggs at Lionville Natural Phar- macy, Grace Taylor at Granny Taylors Natural Foods, Scott at Good Stewards Natural Foods, Jim and Jan at Hillcrest General Store, Tracey at Health Food Center, Larry and Diana at Genessee Natural Foods, Charles Sides at Dutch School Natural Foods, Sheila and Greg at Rhubarbs Mar- ket, Dan at Sunrise Natural Foods, Joan at Weavers Health Foods, Kitty, Jack and Marie at Rose Garden Natural Foods, Leena and Pat at The Granary, Elisa at As Nature Intended, Connie at Sunshine’s Natural Health, Jeff at Palmyra Natu- ral Foods, Julia and Don at Julia’s Health Foods, Mark Arbogast at GNC East Petersburg, Karen at River of Life, Dan at GNC Royersford, Barbara and Sue at GNC Bloomsburg, Herb Morgan at Savemart Health Foods, Carlos Rios at Rios Nutritional Products, Darius at Opti- mum Health, Louise at The Natural Way, Susan at Country Harmony Natural Foods, Cynthia at Vital Life, Tom at Allternatives, Kim Nguyen, Murray Greenfield, Matt Goldberg, Natalie Cohen, Amy Jubilirer and the potty squad, Marilyn Cherry, Jim Dawson (author of “Who Cut The Cheese?”), Dr. Dave Ciliento, Dr. Ed Sobel, Dung Nguyen, Hung Nguyen, Eric Poppel, Michael Dalzell, Craig Berman, Gary Wayne, Ari Lenchner, Denny Horn, Bruce Kassie, Enzo Tuosto, Ahlan Dalon, Herb Lewis, Mike Stairiker, George Petrakis, Henri Forget, Steve Kessler, Lou Passante, Nancy Angelini, Katie Pastor, Brian Whitsel, Scott Nemeroff, 0842-GLAN 12 LARRY A. GLANZ Jim Amick, Rob Lema, Mark Sallaz, Glen Greenberg, Steve Moffet, Ken Shields, Jason Mitchell, Cindy Cover, Arlene Robbins, Peter Farber, Joan White, Teresa Anderson, Dennette Myers, Ross Sacharoff, Eric Smith, Peter Gail, Eric Spinner, Jeff Stern, Red Peters and last but not least, Howard Stern and his gang. The Ultimate Book of Bathroom Etiquette and Humor 13 0842-GLAN Introduction There are many books on the market designed to give bathroom users a few laughs, or a lot of arcane facts, while they are passing their time, among other things. But there really are very few books that speak about the bathroom itself. And, still fewer if any, are the books that address Bathroom Etiquette in an enjoyable, yet instructive way. That is the main goal of this book. Justification Yes, but why am I the person who should write such a book? Admittedly, I have never been mistaken for Miss Man- ners, or even Mr. Manners, for that matter. In fact, as you read this book, you may see me as sort of a cross between Ann Landers and Howard Stern’s Fartman: possibly a deadly combination. But in reality, I am just a regular guy who may be a little more attuned than the next guy or gal to the pleasures of a positive bathroom experi- 0842-GLAN 16 LARRY A. GLANZ ence, and the perils of a disastrous one. And, I have had more than my share of both! As an account executive in the nutrition field for over eighteen years, I have been on the road more than Willie Nelson. With the long hours, and exten-