The REALIST Issue Number 84 - November, 1968 - Page 01 scans of this entire Issue found at: http://www.ep.tc/realist/84 j%X%XX%XX%XXXXS%XXX%XXXXXXXXXXXX%XX%XXXXX3 The Case of the The Trial of Cock-Sure Groupies Abbie Hoffman’s Shirt by Ellen Sander by the United States Government The chords come flooding out of the amplifiers like a Deputy Clerk: All witnesses in the case of the United tonal wave, swelling to an impossible amplitude, blaring, States versus Abbie Hoffman step forward please. Mr. Hoff­ ringing, pounding. A broad beam of noise is shot beating man. I’m suro you have been advised by your attorney that into the swarming crowd with great resonant thrusts and you have a right to a jury trial. It is my understanding that throbs. The amplifiers are complaining. you waive that right. Is that correct? They press up against the stage, the young ones, their Mr. Hoffman: T h at’s right. faces bathed in delight or clenched in crumpled ecstatic Deputy Clerk: The Government has no witnesses? agony. They lean over the edge Mr. Benton Becker: None. of the platform, clutching gifts and (At this point Mr. Gerald Lef- beads or notes or the gro u p ’s lat­ court is sworn in, by Judge An­ est album. And some reach, reach drew Howard Jr., to practice law out, squirm on their bellies trying in the District of Columbia for the to get up over the edge of the purpose of this case, and Mr. Da- stage, just maybe to-touch-one-of- Weitzman of Washington D.C., them . once. who is a member of the defense counsel, is introduced to the court.) And when it was over Mr. Becker: Your Honor, this is The lights turned on and the a matter in v olv in g a criminal curtain fell down charge deriving from the Federal They stood at the stage door Code 18 USC 700. That section. and begged 'for a scream 700. is a relatively new statute, The agents had paid for the which I have handed to the Court black limousine a copy thereof. The Government That waited outside in the rain. will make a statement and at the conclusion I will ask opposing Did you see them? counsel if they are willing to stipu­ Did you seeeeeee them? late to everything that I have said. — "Broken Arrow " If we had witnesses here, we Neil Young submit that they would present The Buffalo Springfield evidence which would tend to show that on Tuesday August 3rd, 1968, “Did you see them, did you at approximately 10:00 a.m., in an seeeee them, oh, Cathy, th ey’re so area described as the southwestern beautiful! Look at that hair, that steps of the Cannon House Office blonde hair — ooooh, those faces, Building, in Washington D. C., Cathy, look at those faces! Oh, wow, the drummer, Cathy, members of the Capitol Police Department focused their the bass player! L et’s go in back to the stage door, Cathy, attention on the defendant, Mr. Hoffman. These members Cathy, maybe we can meet them, talk to them, something, of the Capitol Police Department are officers MacFarlane, (Continued on Page 14) (Continued on Page 7) http://www.ep.tc/realist THE REALIST ARCHIVE PROJECT The REALIST Issue Number 84 - November, 1968 - Page 02 scan s of this entire Issue found at: http://www.ep.tc/reallst/84 ported, "The bridal party swept down the aisle all smiles. The doors of the The (White) Protestant Restoration \ church were flung open, and two secret L service men appeared.” by Larry Josephson the first brilliant notes of Zippity Doo At the top of the church steps, the Dah filled the church. newlyweds stopped to wave and smile at The uniting of the klans Eisenhower Soon it was time for the ceremony to the crowd. The respectful throng, so no­ and Nixon was the penultimate event in begin. Princess Julie stepped down the tably devoid of the witches, trolls, fags, the month-long pageant prior to the coro­ long carpeted aisle to the martial strains jews and Yippies who had caused so nation of Richard the Hard-Hearted, King of Jerdhiiah C la rk ’s Strumpet Voluntary, much unpleasantness recently, waved and of the Free World and All Its Dominions. her hand on the arm of her father, the smiled right back. After about 15 min­ This union, between the last two pure- King of the United States. The bride utes of this, the wedding party and all blooded WASPs in Christendom, which wore a dress o f grey flannel Belgian lace, the guests boarded a fleet of waiting car­ was made in Heaven and the Marble delicately embroidered with the family riages amidst a hail of shredded copies of Collegiate Church, assures the continua­ motto: Nixon's the One. She carried a the Reader's Digest, then sped uptown to a gala reception at the un-Americana H o­ tion of the line of the House of Dwight bouquet of African cannabis, Greek nar­ which had been interrupted by the reign cissus and non-perspiring mums. Her il­ tel. of the catholic King John. lusion veil of Saran Wrap appliqued with One would expect the scions of so dis­ California table grapes was held in place The entire Kingdom of Plenty was tinguished and powerful a family as the by two miniature pearl-handled revolvers aglow on the nuptial day. The gods had Nixonhaucrs to receive lavish, exotic wed­ given to her by the National Rifle As­ provided the couple with sunshine and ding gifts from the many friends, rela­ sociation. clean air; the police, their nightsticks tives and favor-seekers who attend them. safely sheathed and forgotten, smiled ben­ At the foot of the aisle, by the altar, The military-industrial complex, about evolently at the throngs of clean-shaven stood the pastor of this simple church, which the old soldier had cryptically well-wishers gathered on lower Fifth the Rev. Norman Vincent Peale, an old warned, was well represented in the gift Avenue waiting to catch a glimpse of family friend and author of the bestsel­ list. the pious couple. As the bride entered ling Power of Purgative Thinking. Dr. North Amcrican-Rockwell, a prime the church on the right hand of her Peale had magnanimously consented to contractor in the space program, presented father, the crowd strewed plastic flow­ take time out from his books, sermons, the bridegroom with a set of titanium- ers upon them and shouted, "Hail, Dick pamphlets, syndicated newspaper column, foil condoms forged from the ruins of Rex!" numerous personal appearances and tele­ the defective Apollo-204 space capsule. vision guest shots to perform the historic Inside the Temple of Positive Think­ The Government was represented by ceremony. ing, all was resplendent. Upon the walls the National Security Agency which gave were hung symbols of the Christian sa­ The service, which began with respon­ the couple a telephone scrambler and an crament of marriage: food, cards, houses, sive readings from the Grosse Point. anti-bugging device to prevent their Se­ wigs, cloth coats, and all manner of ap­ Michigan telephone directory, was con­ cret Service guards from listening in on pliances. A hushed stillness, broken only ducted according to the age-old liturgy the newlyweds’ verbal sex play. by the soft Hosannas of the Yorba Linda centered on the Protestant Eucharist: the The private sector, representing as it Tabernacle Choir, pervaded the scene. turning of workers’ blood into money. docs, rugged American entrepreneurial The wedding guests included some of Dr. Peale offered Holy Communion to capitalism, contributed 100 pounds of dis­ the most distinguished bankers, lawyers, the members o f the wedding party by eased meat. placing an after-dinner mint on the com­ publishers and small businessmen in the Charles G. (Bebe) Rebozo, a Florida 1 land. The Vice-King, Spiro T. Agnew, and m un ican t’s tongue, then incanting, ‘The Body of H iss.’’ real estate dealer and another old fam­ all the King's men were in attendance. ily friend, gave the newlyweds 160 acres Notable by his absence, however, was Just before the marriage vows were giv­ of choice Florida land—presently under Humphrey Dumpty, principal contender en. Dr. Peale delivered a short sermon re­ water—along with a four-color bro­ for the Plutonium Throne, who was re­ minding the couple that “This is an awful chure describing the planned locations of cently defeated by King Richard at the world, just simply frightful, and w e’re roads, schools, churches and super­ Battle of Illinois. stuck with it.’’ He urged them to main­ markets. The bridegroom’s grandfather, found­ tain "an expectant and optimistic men­ tal attitude” through which, “with divine The reception was a gay affair. There er of the House of Dwight and Winner was much talk of gowns and gifts as well of World War IT. was unable to attend help, they might achieve health, happiness, prosperity and courage in time of g rie f.’’ as the usual petty affairs of state. The as he was recuperating from a loss of quantity of food and drink, including a heart at Walter Jenkins Army Hospital. A Dr. Peale has been an enthusiastic sup­ porter of the Hundred Years War in Viet­ whole roast Negro sent by Sen. J. Strom special closed-circuit television hookup nam. Thurmond, was impressive. The newly­ was arranged so that the old general and weds were toasted by King Richard, who his wife could watch re-runs of Bonanza Prince David and Princess Julie ex­ said.