p r a i s e f o r Funny in Farsi “A humorous and introspective chronicle of a life filled with love of family, country, and heritage.” — Jimmy Carter “Charming . funny . This is a gentle life story by an author who clearly loves her fellow man, and who is dedicated to pointing out the deliciously absurd aspects of both American and Iranian culture; as such, it is a joyful success.” —Newsday “Delightfully refreshing . Dumas’ stories have universal themes people of any culture could understand. One way of saying ‘funny’ in Farsi is ‘khandedar.’ The book lives up to the word, in any language.” —Milwaukee Journal Sentinel “[Dumas] is a humorist at heart, seeking out the goofy underbelly of even the most tragic situations and sketching out a delightful pas-tiche of Iranian rituals and beliefs, quirkily modified as the years go by and her family gradually grows less Iranian and more Californian.” —Time Out New York “A hilarious collection of essays . [that] easily translates to the experiences of immigrants from any part of the world.” —San Jose Mercury News “Recommended . Today, as Middle Easterners in the United States are subject to racial profiling, stereotyping, and sometimes violence, this book provides a valuable glimpse into the immigrant experiences of one very entertaining family.” —Library Journal “Light-as-air essays . warm and engaging.” —Kirkus Reviews Funny in Farsi - Firoozeh Dumas 2 Photo: Aaicha Nystrom F i r o o z e h D u m a s graduated from the University of California at Berkeley. She lives with her husband and children in Northern California. Please visit her online at www.firoozehdumas.com. Funny in Farsi A Memoir of Growing Up Iranian in America f i r o o z e h d u m a s RANDOMHOUSE TRADE PAPERBACKS NEWYORK 2004 Random House Trade Paperback Edition Copyright © 2003 by Firoozeh Dumas All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. Published in the United States by Random House Trade Paperbacks, an imprint of The Random House Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York, and simultaneously in Canada by Random House of Canada Limited, Toronto. Random House Trade Paperbacks and colophon are trademarks of Random House, Inc. This work was originally published in hardcover in slightly different form by Villard Books, an imprint of The Random House Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., in 2003. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Dumas, Firoozeh. Funny in Farsi : a memoir of growing up Iranian in America / Firoozeh Dumas. p. cm. 1SBN 0-8129-6837-9 1. Dumas, Firoozeh. 2. Iranian American women—Biography. 3. Iranian Americans—Biography. 4. Immigrants—United States—Biography. 5. Dumas, Firoozeh—Family. 6. Abadan (Iran)—Biography. 7. Whittier (Calif.)—Biography. 8. United States—Social life and customs—1972– I. Title. E184.I5 D86 2003 979.4'90049155'0092—dc21 2002034921 Random House website address: www.atrandom.com Printed in the United States of America 987654321 Designed by Cassandra J. Pappas Funny in Farsi - Firoozeh Dumas 3 To my father, Kazem, who loves to tell stories. And to my mother, Nazireh. Acknowledgments My thanks to Bonnie Nadell for taking a chance on an unknown, for the title, and for always being a pleasant voice on the other end of the line; to everyone at Villard Books, in particular my talented editor, Bruce Tracy, whose intuition, fine-tuning skills, and great laugh made this a dream project, and Jynne Martin, publicist and friend; to F.D., N.K., and S.M. for making my heart sing; to L.P., C.K., K.K., and the Thursday hiking group for showing me that all hills must be climbed in the company of friends; and to my relatives, all of whom laugh without an accent, merci. Table of contents Acknowledgments................................................................................................................................................................................ 4 Leff ingwell Elementary School........................................................................................................................................................... 5 Hot Dogs and Wild Geese.................................................................................................................................................................... 7 In the Gutter ....................................................................................................................................................................................... 10 Save Me, Mickey................................................................................................................................................................................ 12 Swoosh-Swoosh .................................................................................................................................................................................. 16 With a Little Help from My Friends................................................................................................................................................... 19 Bernice ............................................................................................................................................................................................... 22 A Dozen Key Chains.......................................................................................................................................................................... 24 You Can Call Me Al........................................................................................................................................................................... 28 Of Mosquitoes and Men..................................................................................................................................................................... 31 The “F Word”..................................................................................................................................................................................... 33 Waterloo............................................................................................................................................................................................. 36 America, Land of the Free.................................................................................................................................................................. 39 The Ham Amendment ........................................................................................................................................................................ 43 Treasure Island ................................................................................................................................................................................... 46 It’s All Relatives................................................................................................................................................................................. 50 Me and Bob Hope .............................................................................................................................................................................. 54 I Ran and I Ran and I Ran .................................................................................................................................................................. 57 I-raynians Need Not Apply ................................................................................................................................................................ 60 Girls Just Wanna Have Funds ............................................................................................................................................................ 63 Joyeuse Noëlle................................................................................................................................................................................... 68 The Wedding...................................................................................................................................................................................... 74 I Feel the Earth Move Under My Feet................................................................................................................................................ 80 A Nose by Any Other Name .............................................................................................................................................................. 84 Judges Paid Off .................................................................................................................................................................................. 87 If I Were a Rich Man.......................................................................................................................................................................... 94 Afterword: .......................................................................................................................................................................................... 99 Funny in Farsi - Firoozeh Dumas 4 Leff ingwell Elementary School When I was seven, my parents, my fourteen-year-old brother, Farshid, and I moved from Abadan, Iran, to Whittier, California. Farid, the older of my two brothers, had been sent to Philadelphia the year before to attend high school. Like most Iranian youths, he had always dreamed of attending college abroad and, despite my mother’s tears, had left us to