Volume 40 • Issue 20 • www.themeliorist.com • Thursday, February 8, 2007 2 Editorial The Meliorist February 8, 2007 Meliorist mehio-rism (meel'e riz'm, me'le e-), n. the doctrine that the world tends to become better And the saints or may be made better by human effort An autonomous body, separate from the U of L Students' Union SU-166, 4401 University Drive West, Lethbridge, AB T1K 3M4 Phone: 329-2334 go marching in The Meliorist is the student newspaper of the University of Lethbridge, published psychopathic butcher, who then most Thursdays throughout the academic By Chris Hibbard St. Agatha carries a palm martyrs who suffered in Alexandria year by The Meliorist Publishing Society, Editor-in-Chief branch and a plate or platter bearing during a local uprising against slaughtered them and put their an autonomous incorporated body. Please remains in a barrel to be cured and address all correspondence to The Meliorist two female breasts. This is symbolic Christians, and she was tortured 4401 University Drive, Lethbridge, Alberta. So Sunday was the big day of her martyrdom at the hands mercilessly. Supposedly all of her later sold as ham. T1K 3M4. or drop it off at room SU-166. Deadline for submissions is Sunday at noon - Super Bowl Sunday - a day that of a Sicilian named Quintanius. teeth were violently shattered, or The Meliorist appreciates and encourages the allows men to forget that Valentine's Supposedly, Agatha was quite a pulled out one by one. This is before Saint Sebastian, a favorite writing of thoughtful, concise, timely letters subject of renaissance painters, is the However. The Meliorist will only consider for Day is just around the corner. This hottie, but she had made a vow of she threw herself vigorously into the publication those letters which are signed can be a nice thing to forget. chastity, keeping her virginity for fire that she was to be was burned at only martyr said to have died twice. by the author (special arrangements may A Roman soldier and body guard to be made for those wishing anonymity, but Granted. Valentine's Day is a day God alone. So this Quintanius guy, the stake in. Twas not quite suicide, absolutely no pseudonyms), contain the set aside to celebrate love, affection, who wanted to get in her pants, got but rather an embracement of her the Emperor Diocletian, when he authors legible name, address, telephone mad, and since he couldn't win her was revealed as a secret Christian, number and student identification number romance and all that other sweet fate, and a final rejection of the (address, ID and phone number not for stuff, but there is a reason why it's over, he had her breasts cut off. To wishes of her tormentors. he was ordered to convert. Sebastian publication). Letters may be edited for this Agatha coolly responded, "Are refused, and he was sentenced to brevity, clarity and legality. The Meliorist known as a Hallmark holiday. Men reserves the right to edit submissions and and women are expected to buy you not ashamed to cut off from Saint Lucy had it rough too. execution by firing squad (arrows will not print libelous material. each other commodities and goods a woman that with which your She was a young noblewoman who back in those days). Legend has it that somehow express their feelings mothers suckled you?" Legend has it gave away all of her belongings that he somehow survived a body Editor-in-Chief for one another. We are expected that St. Peter kindly showed up with to the poor. The legend attached full of arrows, and was nursed back Chris Hibbard some celestial ointment and restored to health by a fellow Christian. Once to, and pressured to, dish out some to her says that a pagan suitor [email protected] money to show our affection for one Agatha's chest to its former state, was rejected by Lucy, and was so he was better, he began preaching another - as if it makes up for our but her suitor still wasn't happy. He infuriated that he denounced her as the good word of God. When it was Business Manager not showing affection the other 364 had her dragged over hot coals and a Christian to the local magistrate. discovered that he was still alive, he Kelly Kennedy days of the year. imprisoned. God responded to this The magistrate in turn ordered Lucy was beaten to death with clubs in [email protected] with an earthquake during which the gladiator's arena. It can be a dangerous day. Do to burn a sacrifice to the Emperor's Advertising Manager I love you so much that I give you Quintanius, the entire town, and an image. When she refused, she was Maria Berlando candies? Or do I love you so much imprisoned Agatha all perished. Her sentenced to be defiled in a brother. And finally, we come back to [email protected] that I give you jewelry? What if my day is February 5. To this order, she is said to have good old Vally, St. Valentine gift shows less love than yours does? spoken "If thou make my body to himself, whose good deeds and bad Production Manager Sarah Fulcher death have motivated us into feeling Does this mean that I don't love you Similarly, there is St. Agnes, be defouled without mine assent, [email protected] as much as you love me? who carries a lamb which symbolizes and against my will, my chastity obligated to spoil each other rotten Anyway, I prefer to call it the virginity she died to protect. shall increase double to the merit every year at the mall. News Editor Commercial Cash Cow Day. For According to her legend, some guy of the crown of glory." This pissed There are differing opinions as Shannon Frank better or for worse, this this year named Sempronius wished Agnes to off the magistrate, and he had her to the actual St. Valentine but the [email protected] marry his son, and on Agnes' refusal I get to avoid the whole deal. And dragged behind a team of oxen, her most common one is this. A Roman Entertainment Editor while I hope you all have a very he condemned her to death. To make eyes gouged out, and finally stabbed priest, Valentine was imprisoned Amy Dewar Happy Valentine's Day, this year matters worse, since Roman law did with a dagger in her throat. To this and executed on February 12, 269 [email protected] I plan on making myself a lasagna not permit the execution of virgins, day she is pictured holding her own A.D. after defying Emperor Claudius - just to show me how much I he ordered her to be raped first, eyes. II. Legend has it that Claudius Sports Editor Ainsley Doty care. I may even wash it down with but her virginity was miraculously wanted many soldiers for a great [email protected] chocolate for dessert. preserved. When led out to die she Saint Nicholas of Myra, a army and many married men were But I told myself that this article was tied to a stake, but the bundle fourth century bishop, is best known reluctant to leave their families and Features Editor / Office Assistant wouldn't be about love, romance, of wood would not burn, whereupon nowadays as good old Saint Nick, enlist. So Claudius passed a decree Tabitha Schaub and the big V-Day, so it will not the officer in charge of the troops Santa. What many do not know forbidding marriage. Valentine, not [email protected] be. From this point on, this article drew his sword and struck off her about Saint Nicholas, is that he is supporting this decree, continued Photo Editor head. Very pleasant. is about saints. Now, not being sometimes pictured with a barrel full to marry couples in secret, and was Heather MacBeath a Catholic, so I am generally not of young boys. This image derives eventually caught and imprisoned, [email protected] aware of saints, their meanings, St. Apollonia, the patron from a story in which Nicholas sentenced to death by beating, their lives and deaths. But since saint of dentists, and is often miraculously resurrected stoning, and beheading. Supposedly, Webmaster Feb. 14 is named after one of them, pictured carrying what three young boys Matt Sletto during his imprisonment, he became [email protected] I decided to investigate. I found look like pliers. She who had been close with the jailer's daughter. On that Mussolini once said that, was one of a lured into the a letter that he left her, he signed it Distribution Manager "the history of saints is mainly the group of house of a "Love from Your Valentine". Hence, George Andrews history of insane people" and after virgin love letters on Feb. 14. Through his [email protected] doing some research, I'd almost martyrdom, Valentine was anointed agree with him. Production Assistant a Saint nearly 200 years later, and Herleyna AbdulHamid Before I go on, I feel that I should is now considered the Patron Saint [email protected] probably warn you of something, so of Love, Young People, and Happy consider this a disclaimer. There Marriages. Creative Designer seems to be two prerequisites Amber Herbison cdesignerOthemeliorist.com necessary for sainthood. One Nothing makes a holiday has to be faithful, pious sweeter and more special Printing and pure; only to be than than the knowledge Southern Alberta tortured and executed that it represents the Newspaper Group in horrendous ways.