The Drink Tank 308 Well, as a few of you found, I messed up. I had a Taral Wayne piece laid out, and when I PD- Fed it, I F’ed it. I Know, you expect no less... This issue has the Taral Wayne piece, some LoCs, a look at a Back East con, some pieces I found in an Antique shop, and lots and lots of typ- ing. There’s also a look at a novel by one of my favorite authors, Mr. Ian McDonald! How can you go wrong? Linda and I went to Gallifrey and had an amazing time. I made a bunch of videos that are up on my YouTube page (my name: Johnnyepony- mous). I had never been, though I have a ton of friends who go every year and I was always saying “Next year, GALLIFREY!” This year we went and had an amazing time hanging with friends, including my erstwhile co-editor James Bacon, and partying with Deb and Ric Bretschneider and so many oth- ers. Got to meet Tara O’Shea, who it turns out led me to a scary case of mixed identitities. I had heard that Charles Ardai was in town and would be visiting the museum. This was awesome; I love Hard Case Crime. That afternoon, our PR person was downstairs talking with someone who I as- sumed was Charles. I went up, started a conversa- tion and mentioned how much I liked his books. He mentioned that he followed my Twitter and he’d liked a piece by Tara in issue 300. I got back on Monday and mentioned that I’d told Tara that Charles had liked her work. “When’d you meet Charles?” she asked. I said she introduced me the other day. “That wasn’t Charles Ardai.” She said. It hadn’t been Charles at all. I double- checked my Twitter followers - Charles Ardai, nope! Epic Fail! It sucks that I’m so very, very lame... Letter Graded Mail sent to [email protected] by our Loyal Readers First, several people note my failures! And now, Lloyd Penney! Loc to Drink Tank 307, 5 Feb 2012 “Repent, Flintstone,” said the Lic-Loc Dear Chris: Man! “We have you dead to rights.” It’s catch up time again...I have not two, I anticipate each and every Taral Wayne “No, you don’t.” not three, but fours issues of The Drink Tank to article in Drink Tank with a passion. Alas, despite “Yes, we do. We’ve been watching your catch up with. Forthwith and henceforth, here I the promise of one such in this very issue, there zine for ages, waiting for you to make a mis- go! was none to be seen. I was duped! take.” 304...Splat! If it wasn’t for the eyeballs signed, Fredrick Worthless. “Screw you. If I hadn’t been distracted and teeth, I’d swear someone got smacked with by a jelly-roll I wouldn’t have slipped up.” a pot of spaghetti sauce. Ick! is right! I wish you I 4 1 was looking 4ward 2 to CN the lat- It was not only the Man who had been did get more responses. Some people you and I est issue of Drink Tank. Each and every issue is watching for the Flintstone to mess up. He also know complain about your lack of a locol, and an exciting adventure in the possibilities of the had finks, scabs, tattletales, stool pigeons and the fact I’m in there a lot. They complain, but will scientific future! The current issue appeared on- Lloyd Penney watching him. It was inevitable not do anything else beyond that, including actu- line today, only just hours ago, inspiring me to they’d catch him in a mistake sooner or later. So ally responding. I never did get to see The Artist, read it from cover to cover even before I saved what the hell, they did. but I think it’s still in the theatres here. the file. Yet somehow I felt let down at the end. “You never!” I’d have one more regularly, but alas, it’s not There was something missing... some indefinable, “You introduced a Taral Wayne contribu- something I could do myself (unless I started yet necessary detail had been overlooked that tion, but you never printed it!” writing myself LoCs, which would be interest- allowed a brave experiment in scientifiction- “Sod off.” ing as I often have strange takes on things I iteering to finish with less than perfect results. “Repent, Flintstone,” said the Lic-Loc write!). You shoudl see The Artist. It’s a magi- Then I had it! Despite the formula clearly stated Man! cal experience! on the first page, a vital ingredient had been left Scanners! More splat! This movie starred out! The Taral Wayne article was missing! Up Yours, Haroon El-Ison Canadian actor Michael Ironside, who got the -- Hugo Gernsbunk So true, all of them... chance to be either the villain or the tough, scowling lead character in a lot of tv series and again, they are quick to point out what they see The third was promised but never deliv- movies. And of course, it was directed by anoth- as a problem, but will be damned if they are go- ered, and I am sure those stories are in one of er Canadian David Cronenburg. ing to be part of the solution. Keep producing Harlan’s filing cabinet drawers. We’ve all wished I really wanna see the new Cronenburg, what you want your zine to look like. they’d come out and emerge into the daylight, the one abot Jung and Freud starring Vigo You know, I never really noticed that when but that probably won’t be. I hope there might Mortensen and Daniel Craig. It sounds awe- I was reading Emerald City. It was just so be anthologies that will surprass these books, some. I think Fassbender’s in there too! damned good! but that probably won’t be, either. We seem to My loc...no, didn’t know you were com- I have used Mike Glicksohn and Harry be, if not content, at least appeased by the paro- ing up to Michigan to guest at a con! Which Warner as inspirations for my letter writing. I dies and outright criticisms; I will say what has one? You must see Wall-E...borrow the DVD or will not compare myself to them, but they told happened has happened, and carry on without download it. An excellent movie with a message. me how important it was to respond to fanzines, the usual bile. It was a great anthology, A,DV We could go to Chicago, but money is so tight... and I fully agree, and I still do, there is the hope came close to it, and LDV shall not be until per- that’s why we are not going to Chicon 7, or Lone that there will be some kind of response to a haps Harlan has gone, and has left the stories to Star Con 3, but saving what little we can skim off zine, and some newer editors are disappointed an executor. Only then may LDV be the greatest the top on going to London in 2014. Lots of locs, when no one does, or at least, I’m the only one anthology ever, and worth waiting for. and you are always welcome to them. who does. I don’t want t6o see them gone, I want I seem to remember someone on a panel DId I say Michigan? I meant Minnesota for them to stay and have the good time I’m having. saying “you’ll know Harlan is broke and des- Minicon. It’s awesome since I’ve never really I respond to say not only I liked your zine, and perate when he actually delivers The Last been to Minneapolis or The Mall of Ameri- here’s why, but also to say welcome, and you are Dangerous VIsions.” ca. I’ve been to Robinsdale and a few of the accepted. 307...You have to come up here during any Bol- other places where old AWA wrestlers were After Forry, Harry is my greatest fannish lywood festival. Toronto seems to be one of the from. Also, I think we should start referring to hero (right up there with Ed Meskeys and largest Bollywood markets outside of India, and Canadian grapplers and Wrestliers... Earl Kemp) and Mike is not far behind these we have such a huge Indian immigrant popula- I’ve got a 500 Gb backup drive that I have days. I rally wish I’d been paying more atten- tion. Even Bollywood film debuts have happened to use more often. It actually did help me with tion back in the day... here. Some local fans will show up in their linen the last trip to the repair shop. The photo with Hey, John Purcell! Fuckin’-A, bro! I was suits and saris. Also, come up here to the head two suits behind a microphone...the guy on our David against the DT300 Goliath, and it took office of the NFB, and soak it in. The Bell Light- right is Louis del Grande. The music is by How- some days, but I knocked it down. box is a huge building, built on land donated by ard Shore, who is up for an Oscar for the mu- 306...As you say, Chris, this is a Dangerous Vi- Ivan Reitman, and it is the home of the Toronto sic for Hugo. Shore is Canadian, and he’s been sions tribute. When I got into reading SF, I start- International Film Festival, which now seems to around a long time. ed with the anthologies, collections by Horace be only second to Cannes in importance. I believe Shore scored a bunch of films in the Gold, Terry Carr and Donald Wollheim, Frederik I seem to remember Toronto being the larg- 1990s that got nominated. He also scored Ed Pohl and others. There’s the two-volume A Trea- est market for Bollywood cinema in North Wood, which should have won and wasn’t sury of Science Fiction by Anthony Boucher that America. The BArea has a lot of Bollywood even nominated! seems to be a part of every SF collection, but theatres, and three different TV shows every 305...Some people complained about Cheryl the king of the lot was Dangerous Visions and weekend! Morgan not having a locol in Emerald City. Once then Again, Dangerous Visions. Rum, sodomy and the lash...I don’t get invited to the really good room parties. reset franchise, same characters with all new And now... Eric Mayer! Who among us does... save for Kevin and actors? (Strange to see Persis Khambatta in a Chris, Andy? photo...I know she’s passed away, and if I recall, Hey, an old timey Drink Tank. A few quick I am old enough to have enjoyed Star she got her acting start in Bollywood films. It all comments. For one thing, isn’t that Time Freak Trek in its initial run on NBC. We were living comes around...) plot the plot of Groundhog Day? (surely one of in Orillia, Ontario, north of Toronto, and we I still love Old Skool Trek, but there’s some- the greatest sf movies of all time) Then I notice watched the Buffalo NBC affiliate. Sure, it lasted thing about The Next Generation that has your old poster. Pedro Morales rings a bell. But only three years but somehow touched a sym- me in its grasp! the guy Im thinking of was the wrestling equiva- pathetic nerve. The fact that George Lucas was Two pages isn’t bad at all. I have to get lent of a soup can, not a title contender. So I doing well with his Star Wars movies convinced ready to go to the Globe and Mail this evening, dunno. And then there’s that Taral article. Easily Gene Roddenberry that Trek could make the but I am glad this got done. You take care, give the best thing I’ve ever read by Taral. More of the jump to the big screen and compete, and it did. Linda a hug for me, and keep the zines coming. same, please! (Just kidding, Taral. Just kidding) We’ve taken so much fictional tech from Gene’s I will be your audience, whether you write for Yes, epic fail. It is kinda Groundhog Day-ish, work, like the phaser, tricorder, diagnostic bed one or not. but a lot more fun and shorter! and others, and made them real, or as real as Yours, Lloyd Penney. The Mo Starkey cover is gorgeous. I have we possibly could without breaking or bending Shine on, you crazy diamond! to ask, how was it done? Paint, pastel, some sort the law of physics, as Scotty might say. If Trek of computer process? The only thing that mat- didn’t connect with its viewers, would people be ters is the end result but I’m just curious. Amaz- eagerly awaiting the second movie in the Trek ing cover. I’ll ask when next I see her! One thing I have a hard time understand- ing -- and you’ve mentioned this before -- is that you don’t create for an audience. I accept that as a fact, but I don’t understand it. To me, con- necting to an audience, however small, and no matter how trivial a manner, is the whole point of the game. No matter, you do connect to an audience even if you really don’t aim to or care. (But admit it, Chris, you don’t break down get- ting a Hugo if you don’t care, right? You want to touch us.) It’s not that I don’t care, it’s that it’s not why I do it. I love doing the layout and the writ- ing, I’m just not very good at it! M has said at ties that The Drink Tank is a genzine for an audience of four, three of whom are me. I can see that. Ah Warren Buff lists the Kinks Lola #1. necessity, certainly has a different feel to it, and sound interesting and I enjoyed the Star Trek He should’ve won TAFF! Yeah, the Kinks have some of my favorite authors were French. From movie essay but I think I have gone on too long always been my fave group. I can’t make a list Montaigne, Jules Verne, to Georges Simenon, already. I guess I am revealing my little secret that of favorite albums. Groups like the Kinks and Louise Ferdinand Celine, to Alain Robbe-Grillet. I often type out LoCs while I read. A computer Beatles made such a variety of music it is hard Very little was translated, largely because monitor makes that very easy, the zine and my to even choose among them. I lean towards the people don’t see the value in it. I’ve seen a letter being right there next to each other. Beatles’ Revolver, but would probably choose couple of them available, but as is almost Best, Sgt Pepper for its influence. The Kinks, I can’t always the case with French genre in trans- Eric say. Although Muswell Hillbillies is underrated. lation, the actual translations aren’t that Thanks, Eric! An early Doors album would be on my list. The great. I don’t read French, but the plainess of Stones would be on the list but what? Between every translation of 20,000 Leagues makes the Buttons, or Gimme Shelter or Beggar’s Ban- me think that there’s not a lot of hope! quet? Never Mind the Bollocks by the Sex Pis- Well, the other two books reviewed also tols would be there as well. An early Ramones album certainly. I’d have to pick a compilation by Hank Williams. Did he re- lease albums during his life- time? (I believe he released a couple of 78s) Yeah, my tastes are conventional. I will say that a few months ago my nephew was showing me the Monks, who I had never heard of, on YouTube and I was awestruck. WTF? In the mid-sixties they were doing this?!! I also might have included the MC5, having heard it last week and really enjoy- ing it! That book about French sf sounds interest- ing but I wonder how much French sf is available in trans- lation? The French literature I have read, in translation by Writing is like cultivating a garden. You clear a page, turn over some ideas, carefully arrange them in measured rows and keep them clear of irrelevancies until it is time for harvest. But what do you do about those irrelevanices, those sudden brilliant notions that pop into your head like a dandelion that wasn’t there yesterday, when you should be concentrating on the those miserable gherkins you planted? It’s obviously time to get out the...

PRUNINGPRUNING SHEARSSHEARS TaralTaral WayneWayne

A Fiery Ending for the Big Giant Head In If you catch the flu an even number of materials from the Internet in graphics, the idea his final appearance on the Tube as the Priceline times, you will live to a great old age. of art drawn for and by fans has become rather Negotiator, William Shatner plunges over the Big But, if you catch the flu an odd number of outdated. Fanzines are full of full-colour photo- Tajunga Narrows bridge to explode in flames in times, it will kill you before your time. graphs, lavish graphics effects and “found” art the canyon below – a humorous reference to Have you been keeping track? that could just as easily be used in some publica- the ending of the movie, The Italian Job. That No, I don’t have the flu... not at the mo- tion about prosthetic dentistry, home cooking makes three times Bill has had an iconic charac- ment, at least. I told this to someone recently to or trout fishing. In a few years, when old fossils ter role die on him! Few remember those lean cheer them up. For some reason it did not have such as myself and Steve Stile are put out to pas- years when Star Trek was a dead TV program, no that effect. ture, there may be no such thing as art for and movies had been made, and Bill himself was lean. by fans that shares a collective past. The actor was reduced to spots on TV that ad------vertised Loblaws, a Canadian grocery chain. He Best of the West Count on hearing more from me on this subject would roam the aisles and finish his 30 seconds at a later date! by slamming a fist into an open palm and declar- Maybe we could start a D.West award ing, “By Gosh, the price is right!” (Sound famil- for non-minimalist fanart? We’d have to do it ------iar?) Unfortunately, All Good Things end. His quickly, though... I fear that the idea of fanart Leftover Blues last 30-second spot ended when he leaned too itself is fading away as we watch. With the In- far over the frozen fish section, toppled over ternet, it’s temptingly easy to search for and Christmas comes and Christmas goes, into the Haddock and Blue Fin and exploded in “borrow” an image that seems tailor-made for Still bird in the fridge – what should I do? flames. But as the Japanese commercial fishing an article, or just fills an empty space with some- Chop onions, of course, carrots, potatoes – spokesman said, “by gawd the plaice was light.” thing interesting. Who needs artists? And, what Mix flour and water for dumplings too – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I3Kh8Pii0p4 with the artists themselves increasingly adapting And eat my fill of turkey stew! ------Photoshop techniques or (like myself) using raw ------Theory of General Purativity little buttons on Facebutt’s home page do, or tended in a rigid line, and fired from eye level. I Dr. Taralbert Waynstein where our photos have gone *this* time... guess it looked less sneaky or brazen. I damn well oughta just up and quit, that’s Cowboys, of course, always shot from 1) Whatever is fun or tastes good is actu- what I oughta do! We all say that. the hip. That was because they had just drawn ally sinful or bad for your health. But it’s not what we do. from a hand-tooled leather holster, slung so long Like it or not, Facebook has turned out down on the thigh that the foresight sometimes 2) There are no exceptions. to be a somewhat useful way of keeping in touch got caught in their boot. 3) If something seems fun or tastes good with the people we know, however superficially. Spies shot with a bent arm, somewhere but seems harmless, you simply haven’t yet found I also enjoy leaving wise-cracks to people’s posts between the mobster’s and police officer’s out how it’s bad for you. and making myself into a general pain in the ass. stance. I guess they were trying to be somewhat 4) You don’t need to know how or why ------concealed, but still had to take good aim. something fun or tasty is bad for you to know it Make My Day! More recently, there is the target-shoot- isn’t. It’s bad a priori, and need not be tested. Not long ago, I read a complaint that er’s stance, which has nearly replaced the old 5) It is meant to be this way, because either people don’t fly backwards across the room cop stance altogether. Instead of standing with Nature or God made it so. Either way, it is not when shot, as they apparently do in the movies your right side forward, you face forward with to be questioned. today. I remember when Hollywood shootings feet spaced widely, hunch over, use both hands weren’t like that. In fact, I remember when guns on the grips and bring the back sight up to eye Even doing as you should, and denying on TV and in movies didn’t even draw blood! level. This is especially important when you yourself pleasure, will do no good in the end. They did, however, make the pweeeeng sound want to shoot tirestem off a wheel as the perp’s You will still be punished. of a ricochet every time, even out on the wide vehicle speeds away at 60 mph. open spaces of the lone prairie. Finally, there’s the Star Wars stance, ------Another interesting development re- where you jump from one side of a corridor to Only a month ago, Facebutt announced garding firearms in the media is the “gunman’s the other, or between two trees on the Endor an exciting, brand new way by which members stance.” At one time, if you were a mobster you Moon, firing on the run. It doesn’t seem to mat- could interact in future. It was called “Timeline.” held your gun close to the hip, and fired at waist ter if you don’t aim – the special effects guys will Of course, it was only if we wanted to. The new height. To simulate the pose, imagine holding a just draw the beam from your gun to the Impe- feature wasn’t mandatory. Not for about a small flashlight at a sign in a window. Perhaps rial Trooper at whatever angle it takes! month, anyway. this was in the hope that even while shooting Remember the fast draw? If you could It now appears as though we’re all going someone to death, other people wouldn’t notice slap leather faster than most, you made a repu- to have to adapt to Facebutt’s latest Uber-Alles the partially concealed firearm? In the 1980s, tation for yourself as a “gunfighter.” There is no format, whether there’s any point to it or not. an important variation arrived with the renewed way to measure just how quick on the draw the Why do we have to spend more time and popularity of gangster films. Insouciant Italian famous names of the Old West were, of course, effort keeping up with Facebutt’s useless chang- mafiosi held the pistol sideways, ejecting the but it’s unlikely they were remotely as fast as es than we do on something useful? We could spent brass straight up. Gangsters were good today’s lightning draws. The established record be profitably learning Filipino, French cuisine, guys by this time, and felt no need to hide their is just a few oscillations of a kHz quartz crystal how to improve our golf swing, necromancy or murders. Cops, on the other hand, stood with more than two-tenths of a second. This is very understanding Canadian Rules Football. Instead, their right leg forward, their shooting arm ex- little more than the best possible human reac- we waste hours finding out what all the stupid tion time, so that the actual operation of the fa- mous single-action 1873 model Colt Peacemak- er .44 takes a mere 0.06 seconds once the flesh is set in motion. Far more important than sheer speed was accuracy, instinct and the unshakeable determination to kill. Far more gunfights were won by shooting unarmed men, or in drunken brawls than in a classic showdown. As for “fanning” your piece? Forget it. Some gunfighers did file down the sears of their pistol’s hammer, making them extremely easy to fire, it wasn’t a safe thing to do. Guns that were so modified were apt to fire themselves while in the holster, amputating a toe or two. Fanning an unfiled gun was only likely to break bones in your hand, as the spring that worked the whole shebang was plenty stiff. And remember... blanks kill! More than one Hollywood actor has literally blown his brains out by putting a pistol to his head that was loaded with blanks, then pulling the trigger. True, there was no lead in the load, only wax or paper. But hot gases with no room to exit the barrel will drill your skull very nicely. So... do you feel lucky, punk? Another Note, this time from Robert Kennedy! February 9, 2012 Chris, This may be a little late, but I was scroll- ing through some of the issues of The Drink Tank and wish to comment on an article in The Drink Tank 300. The article is No. 213 – An Interview with Hieronymus Bosch, 1999 Westercon Guest of Honor by Allison Hershey. Right off the bat let me say that I very much enjoyed the article. I just had one little problem with Bosch’s response to one ques- tion. Question: “Is that all? What about the secret cults that claim you used their symbols in your painting?” Bosch: “I did not belong to any of those clubs or secret societies you historians try to link me to. I was a respectable man.” I draw attention to Bosch’s painting The Vagabond, also known as The Prodigal Son. This painting is not characteristic of his numerous other paintings. (Well, he apparently did do a couple of self-portraits. But, that doesn’t count.) It is a clear depiction of part of the First Degree of Freemasonry as it is currently practiced. It was painted sometime around 1510, almost 200 years before today’s Freemasonry is supposed to have come into existence. For anyone who is interested in see- ing Hieronymus Bosch paintings, especially The Vagabond/The Prodigal Son, they should go to Art.com. There they will find not only Bosch I recently discovered Wikipaintings.com, I’ve seen the Bosch painting many times, paintings, but paintings by numerous other art- which is another great site. I really enjoyed partly in my looking into the various ways ists. Prints are available for sale in various sizes the tour I took of Art.com a while back. I of Freemasonry. Early 1600s saw a few of and Art.com will even frame them. The cost is think Wikipaintings is a better resource for the most significant early documents that reasonable. (Yes, this is a free plug as I find the students, while Art.com is far better for Art the Freemasons count among their own, but site very impressive.) fans looking for good stuff. openly organized Freemasonry is 18th Cent. Farpoint: Like Coming Home by Kristina Kopnisky

The tagline for Farpoint convention is the hotel restaurant for the service. public areas of the convention. “Baltimore Fandom’s Family Reunion”. Really The headline media guests this year were Programming rooms were mostly small. you could drop the Baltimore qualifier. For any a good line up. Michael Hogan, Kate Vernon & Room size was not a problem given the number displaced fan it will feel like being back among Kristin Bauer. All of them appeared to be gra- in attendance in the con. There was never a point the tribe complete with hotel quirks, harried cious and involved through out the weekend. To during the weekend where I felt like a sardine in con com and cheese doodles. be honest the only one of the three I was excited any panel. Family friendly programming was su- Farpoint ( http://farpointcon.com/) is a about was Kristin Bauer so I can’t speak of the perb and run by the capable Eta Hack. She had smaller con. Not tiny by any stretch but not a other two except for what I observed in passing. a few wonderful workshops and activities evenly large convention center overtaking enterprise One of the striking things about a con the size of spaced throughout the weekend. Both panels either. On Presidents Day Weekend it manifest- Farpoint is the accessibility to the guests. Lines by Spat ( http://www.spatcave.com ) that I had ed at the Crowne Plaza in Timonium MD. The to meet them were never the womens-bath- the pleasure of attending were informative and hotel itself is serviceable but not lush and some room-at-an-arena-rock-show experiences I am entertaining. Between Spat and Eta’s programs I of the corners of the place are showing some used to. Mrs Van Straten was amazingly friendly felt that we recouped every penny that we spent wear. The staff however. The staff were fantastic. and sweet. on memberships for our family. Farpoint’s night I am used to apathetic hotel staff that comes as The dealers area was modest sized and programming could be timed better but they almost a requirement for west coast cons. The appeared well juried. The vendor zone was set had some interesting topics and the people run- staff at the Crowne Plaza were by and large stel- up in the lobby of the hotel. Off of the vendor ning the panels were good about making every- lar. Friendly and accommodating. Especially the area the autograph tables and a dance floor were one over the age of 18 feel welcome. The panels restaurant staff. Don’t come for the food, eat at located. All in all this lent to a nice flow for the appeared lightly attended, I suspect that schedul- ing them opposite both the masquerade and a screening of “Wrath of Khaan” had something to do with it. The “Podcasting Adult Material” panel was presented by Helen Madden ( http://www.heatflash. libsyn.com/ ) and Nobilis Reed ( http:// nobilis.libsyn.com/ ). Their banter was fun and they managed to pack a metric ton of information into a brief panel time. For nightlife at Farpoint there are spare options. On Friday night they had Karaoke and on Saturday night there was dancing until the wee hours. From what I observed there were a lot of pri- vate room parties between old and new friends. Farpoint does not have a public party floor. For a con it’s size I don’t think one would be suitable. Costumes from different fandoms could be spotted through out the week- end. My personal favorite was “V” wear- ing a chicken hat. Star Wars and Star Trek fandoms were the most heavily represented. Farpoint is not a costum- ers convention but the attendees tend to be appreciative of costuming efforts put forth by fellow fen. If you attend Farpoint in costume, prepare to be photographed and approached a lot. Kudos to the con com for Far- point. They managed to put on a welcom- ing convention where even newbies to the event felt like they were among friends from the time they put their badge on at reg. If you are passing Farpoint 2013 through or are new to the Baltimore/DC metro area I highly recommend attending Farpoint, you February 15th, 16th & 17th won’t be disappointed. Crowne Plaza Baltimore North, Timonium, MD

2012 Farpoint Reviewed - Planesrunner by Ian McDonald

One of my favorite authors in the world It’s impossible to say that Planesrunner and while Planesrunner isn’t nearly the Byzan- is Mr. Ian McDonald. His books like Brasyl and isn’t a page turner. It’s a solid science fiction book tine effort that The Dervish House was, it still The Dervish House have been among my favor- that’s geared towards the YA set. The funny thing manages to be more than a simple adventure ites of the last decade. While I’ve often found is, Ian manages to use a bunch of time-travely novel. his writing to be a bit difficult, and for me pretty and science-0y stuff that would even go over my It’s THE Adventure novel. darn tough going, it’s the kind of difficult that re- head if handled by most writers. As he proved in You see, Everett gets tripped into an- wards the going. It took me almost three weeks The Dervish House, Ian is a master of plotting, other world and ends up with a bunch of Air- to read The Dervish House, but by the time I ship Pirates. I can already hear the good folks of was even half-way through, I thought it was one Abney Park working on songs to go along with of the best science fiction novels I’d ever read. the book! Everett meets a young lady named I first heard about Planesrunner from a Sen who is one of those characters you almost Tweet by John Picacio saying that he’d be doing instantly fall in love with. She’s feisty, funny, dark the cover for Ian’s first Young Adult novel. I ran and deep. The way she interacts with Everett is into Pyr’s editor Lou Anders at Renovation and endlessly amusing, and the amount of cooking we sat and chatted and he showed by th eart for that he does is impressive! The interaction be- the cover. It was AMAZING! I’ve always been a tween Everett and Sen is worth the slight bit of big fan of Picacio’s art, and Ian’s writing, and Lou’s slowing that it does to the plot, especially when editing. This is an All-Star line-up, and it did not we’re given a view of Sen acting as a SuperSpy. fail to deliver. The book moves wo well, flowing from Let’s start with the plot, shall we? It’s a one situation to another with a crispness that I quantum universe story, and not a simple one. expect from all of McDonald’s books. Here, the It’s a story of the kidnapping of a quantum sci- characters are fascinating, and at the same time, entist who has worked out a sort of map of the the world that Ian creates is rich, deep, and co- Multiverse, of which only ten worlds have come lourful without feeling like it’s just a set for the into contact with one another. characters to trod. It’s a full set of worlds with a There are 10 to the 80th more worlds full set of problems/traditions/meanings. I really out there, and Everett Singh’s father created the wanna see what’s happened to the one version Infunibulum, the map to all of the worlds. After of Earth where something has happened to the Everett’s dad disappears, everyone starts looking Moon. for the Infundibulum, and only after a while does Maybe the biggest problem I had was the Everett come into posession of it. fact that it was left so wide open to allow for And then things get awesome. more stories, but really, I want more! Brown-Eyed Girl by LJC

Iphigenia Perinos had introduced herself Geary Street, but still had Sunday dinner with was sure. Iva would be no good to Sam. Not as a to Samuel Spade as “Effie Perine” and he never her mother. Sometimes, Sam did too. Most times, wife, and not as a lover. called her anything but “Effie”. Effie would get a call and go rushing out back Spade and Effie Perine sat at a booth at They met when she was seventeen years to the office, to do whatever needed doing. Mrs John’s Grill at Ellis Street. Spade had ordered old, and had told the other girls who had showed Perine didn’t mind. She liked Sam. Mrs Perine al- chops and potatoes with sliced tomatoes on the up in answer to the advertisement in the Call most liked Sam more than Effie did, sometimes. side, while Effie Perine was having a ham steak for a part-time secretary that the position had Effie Perine liked her job. The money was dinner. been filled. good--fifty-five dollars a week, even if she hadn’t Spade was telling her all about how his She’d been hired on the spot. had a pay rise in two years. She could walk from last case had shook out, even though she al- Effie Perine’s eyes were brown, with her place to the office in twenty minutes if the ready knew what was in the Call and parts that thick lashes, and set a touch apart in a face most weather held, or take the streetcar if it didn’t. weren’t. She let him talk. She liked the way Sam men called “boyish” because she didn’t have a Things had got a little crazy when Spade had tak- Spade would talk to her, like she was as much of showgirl’s curves or a socialite’s bank draft. The en Miles Archer on as a partner, but the name a partner as Archer had been. More, even. truth was, she was closer to thirty than twenty, on the door was “Samuel Spade” once again and When he waved over the waiter in his but didn’t look it. had been ever since Archer’s death. white coat and black pants, he pulled out a pouch Her hair was the shade of dark blonde Effie Perine was more comfortable when of Bull Durham tobacco and rolling papers. While that gets called brown until you saw her out in it was just the two of them. She’d liked Miles OK, he took care of the cheque, she rolled him a the sun, and the streaks of gold made her look but she hadn’t liked his wife, Iva. Not even a little cigarette. He’d have it smoked between the table like she was born and raised in California. She bit. She had been glad when Iva Archer left San and the door. hadn’t been, but she did her best to fit in. Francisco for her mother’s place in Spokane, still “Want to catch a movie or have you got She had freckles across her shoulders and in widow’s weeds like a noisy crow. There was something else to do?” Spade asked as he gave the bridge of her nose from too many Sunday af- still a mark on the wall in Spade’s office, where the coat check girl their ticket and she handed ternoons at the beach. Her mother kept telling Iva’d thrown her shoe at him. back his overcoat and Effie’s wool coat with its her she could get rid of them with a little lemon Effie thought of Iva Archer like a recalci- fur collar. juice but Effie Perine liked them. She though they trant toddler, screaming the building down when “Sorry, Sam. You know the rule.” gave her character. Maybe not always the kind of she didn’t get a sweet. She knew Spade thought Spade’s eyebrows drew together in a V. character she’d have liked, but it was better than of her differently, but in the end, he’d kicked her “You had supper with me.” nothing. to the kerb. Part of it had been spite--after all, Iva “Supper’s supper. A girl’s got to eat.” She used to live with her mother in a had put the finger on him for Archer’s murder He held out her grey coat, and she slipped two-storey brick building in Ninth Avenue, with Dundy. But most of it had been common her arms through the sleeves. Without asking, he where all her neighbours still called her “Miss sense. Miles had been dumb and greedy. Sam was pulled her dark hair out of the collar. He tugged Perinos”. She’d moved to a rooming house on shrewd and underneath it all, a decent sort, Effie the brim of her dark green felt hat low over her forehead, and she clucked at him. Spade’s eyes narrowed as he blew blue fingers on the typewriter keys. “Night, Sam.” smoke out the corner of his mouth, and he * * * Effie pressed a kiss to his cheek, and placed a hand on her knee. “You leaving me for a Effie Perine shouldn’t have been surprised walked to the corner to catch the streetcar. mob numbers man, to have babies and get fat?” when there was a knock on her door at 2 A.M., When she looked back, Spade was rolling a ciga- “What a thing to say. I’ve never even met and she opened it to find Sam Spade. He should rette, hat drawn down over his eyes. a numbers man.” have called first, but he hadn’t. She was wearing a * * * “Sure you have. I saw you with him, at the pink quilted housecoat over her striped pyjamas Samuel Spade was a hard and shifty fel- Hotel Belvedere.” and let him in even though her landlady has a low, able to take care of himself in any situation, Effie frowned. “When?” strict “No Male Visitors” policy. able to get the best of anybody he comes in con- “Friday.” “I told Mrs Portillo I’m your brother,” he tact with, whether criminal, innocent by-stander “Sam Spade, don’t have nothing better to said, reading her mind. She hated it when he did do than tail me when I’m out on a date?” or client. that. She hated being so easy to read. He shrugged, his thumb moving rhythmi If Effie Perine had a nickel for every time - Spade wasn’t bleeding. That was some- she came into the office to find Sam rumpled, cally back and forth over her silk stocking-clad thing. He smelled like rum and stale cigarette bruised, and the ashtray on his blotter overflow- kneecap. smoke. He took off his hat when he came inside, ing with cigarettes, she’d be rich enough to hire ] Effie jumped down off the desk, and went and loosened his tie with a finger against the him. out to her desk, shaking her head. knot. Tsking, she cleaned off the blotter, fished “Charlie’s an accountant for a bank--not Effie sighed as she closed the door, press- - the bottle of rye out of his bottom drawer, and a numbers man!” she called back over her shoul ing the heels of her hands to her eyes. der. gave him the hair of the dog while she went to “What’s up, Boss?” Spade slammed his office door. work on the nasty cut at his hairline with a hand- “I was thinking,” he said. Then he reached kerchief soaked in iodine. for her. She thought he was going to push her * * * When he hissed and tried to escape, she nose like a button and chuck her under the chin. Charlie Rice skipped town a month later, grasped his chin more firmly. Instead, moved to kiss her and she put two hands and Tom Polhaus questioned Effie on his where- “Why are you so good to me?” Spade on his chest and pushed. abouts while Dundy and Spade had it out behind asked as she covered the cut with a plaster, and “Sam,” she said, her voice full of disap- the closed door of his office. perched on the corner of his desk to roll him a pointment. After they leave, Effie almost poured an cigarette. Spade sighed, and let her go. “When did entire pot of scalding coffee over her boss’s head “You’re the detective. You tell me.” you make that rule again?” at the look he gave her. “You getting smart with me, sweet- “When you slept with Iva the second heart?” “You think you’re so smart, don’t you, time,” she said blithely. There were no secrets “I never get anywhere, being dumb with Sam?” Effie said mulishly as she dumped a bunch between them when it came to Iva Archer. There you.” She placed the cigarette between his lips, of wilting roses into the trash. were no secrets between them at all--except for and bent backwards to grab the table lighter. “Don’t be sore at me, sister. You sure can the one. When she straightened back up, Spade’s eyes pick ‘em.” Spade sank down onto her Chesterfield, flicked back to her face, yellow-ish and demonic “You’re a louse,” she said sourly. and looked up at her with the expression of a for a second until he blinked. His reply was lost in the clatter of her whipped puppy. It didn’t sit on his face right, and he knew it. “You going to hang me for all my sins?” “Somebody’s got to.” Effie sat down next to him, their bodies touching at the forearm and elbow until she laid her head on his shoulder. “I know how you think it’ll go. You’d kiss me, and I’d melt. Wouldn’t that be a pretty picture?” “We could try it, and see.” Spade’s breath ruffled her dark hair. She pulled back again so she could see his expression. “What’s got you all sentimental all of a sudden?” Spade shrugged. “A beam didn’t fall on my head.” Effie shook her head, a rueful smile twitching at the corner of her mouth. “You don’t always make a lot of sense, Sam.” “Sorry, precious.” She leaned back against him again, and his arm came up to wrap around her shoulders. “You’ve already got me on the hook, Sam. But you gonna have a hell of a time reeling me in.” “You gonna fight me?” “With every breath.” When he chuckled, her chest felt tight. “I used to think you hung the moon, you know.” There was a long moment where neither of them spoke. “I know,” Spade said, and Effie closed her eyes. “You’re no good, Sam.” This time he didn’t laugh. “When’d you get so wise?” “When you weren’t looking,” she said, curling her fingers around his. “Ask me again sometime, Sam. Maybe my answer’ll change.”