Protest Box’ Puts Things Into Perspective

www.urbanears.com [email protected] Feature 3.5mm standardFeature microphone and remote. Available in Available colors: 10 PLATTAN BAGIS PLATTAN & TANTO MEDIS MUSTARD Featured colorway

The winners of VICE and Duck and Cover’s We Want Your Face competition not only got £1000 cash and £1000 of Duck and Cover apparel, they also got to star in this shoot, sporting the best of Duck and Cover’s wears. Lucky them. To ﬁnd out more, go to www.duckandcover.co.uk

Photos by Maisie Cousins Stylist: Ali Carman Hair and make-up: Xabier Celaya Models: Aaron James and Chloerayne Pearce BOXPARK SHOREDITCH THE WORLD'S FIRST POP-UP MALL

ABUZE / AMNESTY SHOP / ART AGAINST KNIVES / BOXFRESH / BOXPARK BUKOWSKI / CALVIN KLEIN / CHOP’D / CRUSSH / CYBER CANDY / DAVID MAYAR NAMAN DC SHOES / DOCKERS / ETNIES / EVISU / FARAH VINTAGE / FIFTY FIVE DSL FOXCROFT & GINGER / FRAE FROZEN YOGHURT / GOLA / HOP-NAMO / IRREGULAR CHOICE KANGOL / LACOSTE L!VE / LEVI’S / LUKE / MARIMEKKO / MEXWAY / NEW ERA NIKE / OAKLEY / ONE TRUE SAXON / ONEPIECE ORIGINAL / PENGUIN / PALLADIUM PHAIDON / PIEMINISTER / PLAYFUL PROMISES / PUMA / ROUTE ONE / SMILEY THE NORTH FACE / URBANEARS / VANS TABLE OF CONTENTS

Photo by Ricardo Cases from his series Paloma Al Aire.

VOLUME 9 NUMBER 12 Cover by Ben Ritter

HADEPHOBIA IS THE FEAR OF HADES RAGE RECEPTACLE And It’s Scary as Hell ...... 30 Martin Parr’s ‘Protest Box’ Puts Things into Perspective ...... 90 DON’T FEAR THE SQUARE AND COMPASS These Masonic Ladies Are Really Quite Lovely ...... 32 THE EMANATIONS OF SHIVA FUTURE IMPERFECT Making Offerings in Bali, to Something Can a Bunch of Soothsayers Tell Me What to Do with My Life? . . 34 that Might Not Be There ...... 100 WE CAN ALL AGREE THE SYSTEM IS FUCKED THE MYSTERIES OF THE TEACHER But How Occupy’s Going To Fuck the System Vissarion’s Church of the Last Testament Is a Whole Other Ordeal ...... 36 Is the Only Reason to Visit Siberia ...... 108 2011: AS THE WORLD BURNS ATHENS IS BURNING 30 Pages of Protests, Uprisings and Pissed-Off People . . . . 40 And Acid Baby Jesus Can’t Do Anything About It ...... 118

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UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 12 11-11-30 9:23 AM TABLE OF CONTENTS

Photo by Ricardo Cases from his series Paloma Al Aire.

Masthead ...... 16 The Learnin’ Corner ...... 122 Employees ...... 18 The Cute Show Page! ...... 123 Front of the Book ...... 20 Skinema ...... 124 DOs & DON’Ts ...... 72 Video Games Killed the Radio Star ...... 125 FASHION: American Psychos ...... 80 Reviews ...... 126 Bob Odenkirk’s Page ...... 120 Johnny Ryan’s Page ...... 130 Toupée: Medicine Man ...... 121

14 VICE.COM

UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 14 11-12-01 9:37 AM FOUNDERS Suroosh Alvi, Shane Smith

GLOBAL EDITOR IN CHIEF Andy Capper ([email protected]) CEO, VICE MEDIA GROUP EUROPE Andrew Creighton ([email protected]) EUROPEAN MANAGING EDITORS EMEA GROUP PUBLISHER Matt Elek ([email protected]) Bruno Bayley ([email protected]), Milène Larsson ([email protected]) UK PUBLISHER Kate Jaggers ([email protected]) ASSOCIATE EDITORS HEAD OF SALES Sophie Strickland ([email protected]) Piers Martin ([email protected]), Jamie Lee Curtis Taete ([email protected]) HEAD OF FASHION | BEAUTY | FRAGRANCE Angie Gola-Ebue ([email protected]) EXECUTIVE EDITOR Alex Miller ([email protected]) ACCOUNT MANAGER Elise Blampied ([email protected]) EXECUTIVE CREATIVE DIRECTOR Eddy Moretti ([email protected]) ACCOUNT EXECUTIVE Zac Russell ([email protected]) CREATIVE DIRECTOR Santiago Stelley ([email protected]) SPONSORSHIP MANAGER Dan Kemp ([email protected]) HEAD OF MARKETING & EVENTS STAFF PHOTOGRAPHERS Jonnie Craig, Henry Langston, Ben Rayner Claire Bartolomeo ([email protected]) PHOTO EDITOR AT LARGE Alex Sturrock MARKETING & EVENTS Camella Agabalyan ([email protected]) EXECUTIVE EDITOR VICE GLOBAL Rocco Castoro PRODUCTION MANAGER Matt Parle ([email protected]) LAYOUT inkubator.ca DESIGN Imogen Bellotti ([email protected]), Jenny Hirons ([email protected]) WORDS Taji Ameen, Anonymous, Amie Barrodale, Bruno Bayley, Blagovest Blagoev, Jon Blyth, VBS.TV PRODUCTION Hannah Brooks, Bill Bryson, Rebecca Byerly, Annie Carrol, Rocco Castoro, Harry Cheadle, Vida Toombs ([email protected]), Pegah Farahmand ([email protected]), Valeria Costa-Kostrisky, Wilbert L. Cooper, Kara Crabb, Kane Daniel, Richard A. Epstein, Alison Severs ([email protected]), Rhys James ([email protected]), Chiara Galeazzi, Brett Gelman, Esra Gürmen, Wolfman Jagoff, Ellis Jones, Elektra Kotsoni, Hugo Donkin ([email protected]), Alex Hoffman ([email protected]), Henry Langston, Milène Larsson, Stefan Lauer, Ben Makuch, André Maleronka, Alex Miller, Chris O’Neill ([email protected]), Zoe Roberts ([email protected]), Chris Nieratko, Bob Odenkirk, Greg Pike, Wiegertje Postma, Toni L. Querol, Allison Ramirez, Charlet Duboc ([email protected]), Will Fairman ([email protected]) Till Rippmann, Stephen Lea Sheppard, John C. Stillwell, Matthew Uhlmann, Giorgio Viscardini VBS.TV POST-PRODUCTION PHOTOS Al Brown ([email protected]), Mike Horlock ([email protected]), Corey Adcock, Dirk Alvermann, Taji Ameen, Dux, Guillaume Belvèze, Ian Booth, Laurence Cleary ([email protected]), Jim Demuth ([email protected]), Enrique Bostelmann, Janicza Bravo, Anna Candiani, Ricardo Cases, Erik de Castro, Niall Kenny ([email protected]), Ellie King ([email protected]), Lucas Conejero, James Dow, Albrecht Fuchs, Rose Hall, Paolo Gasparini, Dale Gunnoe, Kitai Devin Yuceil ([email protected]), Alice Wagstaffe ([email protected]), Kazou, Henry Langston, Mike de Leon, Paola Mattioli, Dan Meyer, Jason Mojica, Mimi Flemming ([email protected]) Ren Netherland, Sumeth Pranphet, Noah Rabinowitz, Ben Ritter, Evan Ruetsch, Ajit Solanki, Pablo Sternbach, Peter Tangen, Julie Widner ONLINE EDITOR Kev Kharas ([email protected]) ILLUSTRATIONS ONLINE EDITORIAL Dylan Hughes Malin Bergström, Kara Crabb, Nick Gazin, Jim Krewson, Tulsi Maya, Adam Mignanelli, Tuono Pettinato, Yvonne Romano, Johnny Ryan, Kamran Samimi, Mel Stringer, Sam Taylor WEB DESIGN Solid Sender ONLINE DEVELOPMENT Dave Pullen ([email protected]) COPY EDITORS Esra Gürmen, Steve Yates DIGITAL MARKETING Remi Ajani ([email protected]), VICESTYLE EDITOR Daryoush Haj-Najafi ([email protected]) Hugo Pinto ([email protected]), Melissa McFarlane ([email protected]), FASHION EDITOR Sam Voulters ([email protected]) Nicole Kai ([email protected]), Jazz Atkin ([email protected]), Kate Newman ([email protected]) CONTRIBUTING FASHION EDITOR Aldene Johnson ([email protected]) OLD BLUE LAST Ross Allmark ([email protected]), FASHION INTERNS Ali Carman, Jamie Clifton, Maeve O’Brien Russ Tannen ([email protected]), Martin Wade-Thomas ([email protected]) OFFICE MANAGER Leyla Treble INTERNS Grant Armour, Josh Haddow, Elektra Kotsoni, Kevin Camps, Natalie Meziani

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All submissions property of VICE Magazine, Inc. The entire content is a copyright of VICE Magazine Publishing, Inc. and cannot be reproduced in whole or in part without written authorisation of the publishers. For subscription information go to VICE.com. VICE magazine is published twelve times a year. 16 VICE.COM

UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 16 11-12-01 9:37 AM EMPLOYEES OF THE MONTH

HUGO DONKIN The first show that cameraman Hugo worked on when he started at VICE was our music documentary Donk, about the rave-on-steroids club scene around Wigan that eventually, briefly, ate the world. You can probably imagine the thigh-slapping that went on—donk and Donkin? Too good to be true. We’re still chuckling now. Since then, Hugo has produced and edited countless episodes of The Cute Show—which he loves because it means he spends the day playing with animals—Election, Royal Wedding, Fraud and, most recently, our documentary on Greece’s extra-violent and tear gas-heavy protests, Teenage Riot: Athens, where he got hit a few times. He is also permanently awkward and looks a bit like Chet Baker. Watch TEENAGE RIOT: ATHENS on VICE.com

BLAGOVEST BLAGOEV We cannot lie: the editor of VICE Bulgaria has an amusing name. Once we were so confused by it we accidentally credited one of his articles to Blago Blagovest. He said he didn’t mind but we still called him up on a Friday afternoon to smooth things over. His answer to our cheery “Wazzup!” was such a sinister “Drinking rakia” it felt like he was snarling, “How dare you interrupt me.” We’ve since stuck to email, over which he is so pleasant he even shares the oc- casional Bulgarian joke. The most recent was: “In Bulgarian hell, there are no devils because we pull each other to the bottom.” For this issue, Blagovest did his best to explain what the anti-Gypsy protests that went down in Bulgaria a couple of months ago were about. See ROMANI RUCKUS, page 44

HANNAH BROOKS Hannah was born in Bowen, a small North Queensland town famous for its delicious mangoes. At one time, Hannah was the music editor of VICE Australia, which is why you may know her from such documentaries as Heavy Metal Gangs of Wadeye and Nimbin MardiGrass. She is currently exiled in the paradise that is Byron Bay, where her days consist of loafing around the beach, walking the fine line between burning and tanning, riding her bicycle, wearing black on principle (she says there’s “too much colour in Byron”), getting calluses on her fingertips from playing guitar, and avoiding bongo players. For this morality- heavy issue Hannah wrote all about the intricacies of living life consumed by the fear of hell. See HADEPHOBIA IS THE FEAR OF HADES, page 30, and LOGS DON’T LIE, page 67

ELEKTRA KOTSONI Elektra started working in our London office about nine months ago and to tell you the truth, it’s worked out pretty well for us. Because Elektra is Greek (her family is from Corinth, where the canal is), and having a Greek speaker in the office while her motherland messily implodes turned out to be very useful. It was Elektra who facilitated our recent trip to the Greek capital where our team were beaten, gassed and kicked for your viewing pleasure in Teenage Riot: Athens. You can read more about that ordeal later on in this issue. She also spoke to Greek indie rockers Acid Baby Jesus, who may just have one of the worst band names in the history of recorded music. See ATHENS IS BURNING, page 118

TONI L. QUEROL When the editor of VICE Spain isn’t busy chain-smoking as if he was about to become a new dad (which he isn’t, we should add), Toni likes to report on Spanish people’s new favourite hobby of taking to the streets to shout at inept politicians. For this issue, he hung out with crusties who re-house evicted families in squatted buildings left abandoned after the Spanish housing bubble burst. Beyond the world of VICE, if such a place exists, Barcelona-based Toni plays bass and growls in the psychedelic sludge-doom band Lords Of Bukkake and also plays in noise-mongerers Sons Of Bronson. Recently he’s been having nightmares about Spain’s new right-wing prime minister Mariano Rajoy’s drooling lower lip. See POPPING A SPANISH SQUAT, page 51

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UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 18 11-12-01 9:44 AM FRONT OF THE BOOK

GLOBAL STREET BROKEN HEARTS, BROKEN DICKS POLL: WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU KNEW Dinks aren’t as sturdy as you VICE: Your report says that people screwing in weird places are more THE WORLD WAS might like to think, especially likely to break their cocks. Can you give some examples of these dangerous GOING TO END when they are secretly stuck locations? TOMORROW? into holes they probably Dr Andrew Kramer: Situations such as sexual relations in elevators, shouldn’t be in. Men have a public restrooms and at work qualify. higher chance of snapping their dongs while cheating on If a man chooses to have an affair or deviant, their spouses, according to a kinky sex, how can he protect his penis from recent study conducted by Dr snapping like a twig? Andrew Kramer, a urologist By placing your hands on the woman’s hips or at the University of Maryland somewhere on her body to control the downward Medical Centre, who surveyed force that could result in the penis buckling. 16 men who had broken their TESSA FROM AUSTRALIA penises between 2004 and 2011. Is a man more likely to get a broken penis if I would probably fly to New (Probably because they were he’s cheating with a man or a woman? York and go to Tasti D-Lite. tired of fucking their wives I didn’t study this, but I’m sure It’s this frozen-yoghurt place and gave it a little too hard homosexual men have fractured that is amazing. They have a to the new girl, but that’s just their penises as well, and that thousand flavours. I would sit our guess.) Also contributing the penis can buckle against an there sampling them all until to penile pain were sexual axial force in a similar way. I was covered in yoghurt, and encounters under “out-of-the- then I would vomit and die. norm circumstances”. We asked Why is it called “breaking” Dr Dick how to prevent this when there isn’t a bone in unfortunate condition. there? And for that matter, where did boner come from? There are no bones in the human penis, although I’m told the dog has a bone of some kind in its penis. I think this is BY ALLISON RAMIREZ a slang term because the erection is hard and GERTRUDE FROM ROMANIA ILLUSTRATION BY JOHNNY RYAN straight and resembles a bone. My child, I’m an active Orthodox Christian. God is the only one to decide when Violence-plagued Indian Reserves like the Samson Cree First Nation, where a five-year-old we die. But I’d take a cherry was recently killed in a drive-by shooting, and the Sandy Bay First Nation, where a woman blossom to our great poet was beheaded, underline just how fucked up rez life in Canada has become. Some reserves Mihai Eminescu’s grave. are starting to resemble Brazilian favelas: gun crime and incarceration is soaring, HIV rates Eminescu was translated into are on a par with global highs and more than one-third of aboriginals haven’t graduated 64 languages. 64! Better than from high school. The real kicker is that this massively impoverished group (totalling more Shakespeare. He was the last than 1.1 million people) is not only statistically the youngest but also the fastest-growing great Romantic. And love, as population in Canada. The other problem is no one in Canada gives a flying fuck. The fed- you know, is the salt of life. eral government doesn’t have any revolutionary plans in place, and the Aboriginal Affairs and Northern Development department is a monetary black hole. It’s no coincidence most serial killers in Canada have targeted Native women, Forget the because cops don’t give a shit about them. Before the nation’s most prolific serial killer (Vancouver pig farmer and convicted murderer of 50 women, Robert Pickton) was caught, First Nation Aboriginal prostitutes in Vancouver went to the authorities with information. “I have a friend that went to the cops in 1998 and told them about Pickton’s whole farm,” said Anishinaabe activist Audrey Huntley, who worked in East Vancouver with prostitutes. SYLVAIN FROM FRANCE “They called her a ‘junkie ho’.” I recently attended some There’s no denying the stats: Amnesty International maintains that Native women are lectures on survival where I BY BEN MAKUCH five times more likely to be killed by violence than other women. Not to mention, young learned that if you put seven PHOTO BY COREY ADCOCK men are joining gangs faster than ever before, resulting in frequent gang wars. Police drops of bleach in your water have been accused of indifference when it comes to Aboriginal crime. Instead of dealing tank, the water will stay with the issue, the government continues to preserve archaic policies like the 19th-century immune to a biological attack. Indian Act. “Ten percent of cases will involve Natives, and the reality is they’re the hardest So I would probably do that to solve,” said a former Royal Canadian Mounted Police officer. “Witnesses won’t come and then I would barricade forward, there’s gang silence or just overall distrust of police.” He added, “They think [cops] myself at home with my are the enemy. Sometimes I don’t blame them.” girlfriend.

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UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 20 11-11-29 1:06 PM FRONT OF THE BOOK

VICE: Do you believe that true evil really around, and because of that THE ETHICS exists in this world? non-presence, you realise his father Phoenix Jones: Yes and no. I used to represented a certain ideal. If you think that some people were literally know the way his father looked, OF A SUPER- just evil and beyond comprehension. and if you consider the way Jews I work with autistic kids—I used to, looked—he really internalised that HUMAN at least, before I lost my job. And fear and hatred for his father, and GEORGI FROM BULGARIA they’d do things that I would con- in his way he was making the world I won’t hide. I’m a brave man. Philosophical questions about sider to be extremely rude. better by getting rid of the chance I’m a pilot so if the Lord sends good and evil probably don’t of people turning out like him. Even us a threat, I’ll retaliate. I crop up in your everyday life, Like what? though it’s wrong, and I totally don’t have a hell of a lot of weapons but they do for Phoenix Jones. One of them bit me and took chunks agree, it’s a different way to look at in my possession. For more than two years, of flesh out of my arm. I thought, the whole scenario. I think most peo- Phoenix has been patrolling “Why would you do that to me?” ple are trying to better themselves, the streets of Seattle at night in But when you put yourself in their and have confused ideals about what his custom yellow-and-black situation, you realise that their lack will better themselves. bulletproof suit, breaking up of communication forces them to fights and helping strangers in make a statement that you have to So, for you, doing something “good” distress. He’s one of the best respond to. And they do things that means that you’re trying to pro- known of the “real-life other people may see as unconscio- tect people from themselves—like DARRYN FROM CANADA superheroes”, and nable. When I realised what parenting. I’d try to make amends for an lately he’s been they were doing, I started That’s exactly how I would describe entire life of heartache and pain. getting a lot of applying it do different it. I went through my house and attention in the things I’d seen in the baby-proofed all of the electrical media after world. Take Hitler for sockets so that none of my kids being arrested example: if you read his would electrocute themselves, and for breaking autobiography [sic], that’s kind of what I feel like I do up what he you realise that he with the city—I just go through and thought was a had a kind of messed- baby-proof all of the sockets, and if fight with pepper up childhood, with a person rips it out, I have to go back GIACOMO FROM ITALY LISTEN OUT LOUD spray (they were a father who and fill it in again. I’d like to climb a human actually dancing). wasn’t pyramid like in Kylie Minogue’s This guy has quite If you could address the world for “All the Lovers” video. Have STREAM ALL THE MUSIC ON EARTH WIRELESSLY IN EVERY ROOM the moral code, so five minutes, what would you say? you seen that? we asked him to If I could have the entire world lis- explain it. ten for five minutes, I wouldn’t say anything, because that’s 90 percent of the problem with people: we’re talking but we’re not listening. If you BY MATTHEW were listening you would understand UHLMANN people better, we would have better communication and we would MIKE FROM THE NETHERLANDS PHOTO BY understand how to solve 90 percent I think I would smoke weed PETER TANGEN of our problems without violence. and drink alcohol in such an amount I wouldn’t even wit- ness the end of the world. In September, a local radio station in Elasha Biyaha, a suburb of Mogadishu, held Trivial a really fun Koran-recitation contest for kids. First prize was an AK-47 and £450. The runner-up was also bestowed with an AK, along with £300, and the award Pursuit: for third place was two live hand grenades and £250. It was sponsored by Al-Qaeda affi liate Al-Shabaab, which is basically Somalia’s version of Terrorism the Taliban. There was even a bonus question-and-answer round, which included stumpers like “Which war was martyred brother Edition Sheikh Timajilic killed in?” VALERA FROM RUSSIA Most important, the competition provided a much-needed break First off, I definitely wouldn’t from typical Somali radio programming, which mostly consists of believe that shit. It is recordings of gunfi re, explosions and animals growling because of never gonna happen! But I an ultimatum from insurgent group Hizbul Islam declaring music to be wouldn’t want to randomly BY WOLFMAN JAGOFF “un-Islamic”. Even Al-Shabaab offi cial Mukhtar Robow was impressed, die from a dumb-ass faggot remarking, “Youths should use one hand for education and the other for a who maniacally shoots every- gun to defend Islam.” one on the street.

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But how would Westralians pro- VIVA WESTRALIA! vide education, utilities, a police force and all that junk? Secessionists Australia is great. We ranked Sukrit Sabhlok, the academic direc- believe, under a free market, those number two in the UN’s tor of Liberty Australia, says Western services would actually improve. Human Development Index for Australia (WA) is “currently getting According to Marks, government 2009-10. Sure, we were behind ripped off by the other states. It’s one monopolies “provide an inferior SOFIA FROM SWEDEN Norway, but do you know how of the most productive states in the quality product at higher cost than I would bring all my favourite much pickled herring you are country, but it has to pay money to if there were competing providers people to Tropical Island expected to eat up there? It the federal government and it doesn’t to contend with”. And patrolling outside Berlin for the best seems second place isn’t good get enough licence to do its own the border? The y wouldn’t need 24-hour party ever. enough for everyone because thing.” WA’s gross product per capita to worry: “The borders between some Western Australians wish is $81,795, by far Australia’s largest, Westralia and the Empire of the to secede from the rest of the and much of that juicy money flows Canberra Kremlin would not have nation. They want to kiss fed- east. Benjamin Marks, editor in chief much need for police protection eration goodbye and do their of economics.org.au, declares “the on the Westralian side. I guess the own thing. rationale behind secession is simply Canberra Kremlin might want to self-ownership. Since we are each the build a wall to stop all the productive rightful owners of ourselves, it is our inhabitants from fleeing to freedom AME FROM THE UK right to secede from government, to in Westralia.” I would eat really good food BY KANE DANIEL evade tax, to employ people for what- Precisely how WA could success- and buy a lot of really cool ILLUSTRATION BY ever they’re willing to work for, to fully secede is murky, as there aren’t shoes. I am a Buddhist after MEL STRINGER consume drugs, to deal drugs, etc.” any real provisions for it. It’s been all, so I don’t believe it will tried before, and it failed. In 1933, end too badly. a referendum on WA secession was held, with 68 percent voting in favour. The proposal went limp when our House of Commons effec- tively refused to even consider it. Sixty-nine-year-old secretary of the defunct Western Australian Secession Association Walter Morris LAMORRIE FROM THE US gave up after 18 years of arguing I’d try to piss off all the cops, the 1933 referendum was still valid. take their guns, and shoot He says, “Ultimately, in the long them—not kill them—just shoot run, after a great deal of turmoil, them. Then I’d probably hijack probably violent, I think everything a taxicab and build my own ark will go back to smaller identities, like Noah, like the movie 2012. national identities. People will turn inward and start looking after themselves.” That sounds nice, doesn’t it?

When Bryon Widner, a founder of the Vinlanders skinhead gang, Don’t Get married and started a family, he decided it was a good time to put TAIRYN FROM THE US his racist past behind him and start anew. Turns out that’s not I’ll write more music, then put it Swastikas so easy if your face and neck are completely covered in racist, in plastic so it could survive the violent tattoos, such as a blood-soaked razor and swastikas (try water. Oh, and my journal too. Tattooed on explaining that when you drop off your kids on their first day of school). Bryon was ready to douse his face in acid when his Your Face wife contacted One People’s Project, an anti-hate group in Philadelphia. They put him in touch with TJ Leyden, an ex-neo-Nazi who left the movement and now runs Mark Welsh portrait. an organisation called StrHATE Talk. With TJ’s help a Jordan in the Emerson. coalheadwear.com donor was found to fund the removal of tattoos from BY ALLISON RAMIREZ Bryon’s face, neck and hands. It cost £22,500 and took DAVID FROM AUSTRIA PHOTO BY JULIE WIDNER 25 painful surgeries over the course of 16 months. He now Nothing. God is giving and suffers from migraines, pigment damage and never-ending God is taking. God has every- death threats. “There’s no owner’s manual,” Bryon says. “You thing. We’re all in his hands. just do the best you can.” The whole world is tainted. UK and Ireland distribution: The Riders Lounge – tel: 01732 866989 [email protected] – www.theriderslounge.com 24 VICE.COM

UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 24 11-11-29 1:06 PM Mass Faintings Transvestites Sparkly Frocks Photo by Rhys James

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uninspiring yawnfest, but blind devotion just isn’t our Average of Each Moral Foundation deal. Canada is lame because, unlike America, we don’t have this thing called “nationalism”, where everyone 5 for Each Editorial Office stands around pledging allegiances to flags, getting into a 4.5 tizzy because something is “unconstitutional” or “un- 4 American”, and indiscriminately supporting invasions of Middle Eastern countries. Canadianness is really just 3.5 talking shit about America, bragging about free health 3 care (which actually kind of sucks), drinking beer and Harm secretly being jealous about how the US is warmer and 2.5 Fairness more fun. However, if you fuck with our hockey teams 2 Ingroup we will completely freak out and by the end of it we’ll be 1.5 Authority drunk, naked, bloody and peeing off the roof of a burn- Purity ing cop car. 1 0.5 Royce, you scored the lowest for fairness, meaning you are Osiris Shoes Presents The Ledge a selfish and unjust tyrant who doesn’t care about anyone Mini Ramp Competition with over else but yourself. £1000.00 of cash prizes including Royce Akers: I’d say that’s fair. best trick. This competition will be for sponsored skaters only & you will need to register through your sponsor. Which VICE bureau do you think is the most immoral? For further information please contact [email protected] MORALITY TEST Julien Morel: Hmm, maybe the UK. We’ve been at war with them for five centuries, and they updated Which direction does VICE’s moral compass our common religion just to piss us off. That’s immoral OVER £1000.00 point in? Let’s find out! enough for me. OF CASH PRIZES Royce Akers: Definitely Sweden. I definitely have VICE STAFF onsidering this issue mostly concerns morality and the most immoral thoughts about Swedish people. ethics, it seemed like an opportune time to take a look Cinwards and see exactly where VICE stands when it Barbara Dabrowska: Russia, because the stereo- comes to issues of right and wrong. type propagated by the media and movies is that ACTION SPORTS & LIFESTYLE TRADESHOW So we asked Jesse Graham, assistant professor of psy- there’s a huge gap between the rich and poor, and that every chology at USC and co-creator of the Moral Foundations rich Russian got that way by being a criminal who doesn’t SHOW DATES: 5TH-7TH FEBRUARY 2012 Questionnaire (yourmorals.org), to create an accurate test give a shit about human lives, women’s rights or the envi- THE GALLERY, NATIONAL HALL, OLYMPIA, LONDON, W14 8UX that, country by country, would help us determine our col- ronment. That said, I think the fact that I’ve never been to Co-locating with LondonEDGE & LondonCENTRAL. TRADE ONLY Partnered with The LEDGE & LondonEdge lective conscience by analysing a sampling of 11 members Russia probably contributes to this preconception. of VICE’s international editorial team. Brand list as @ 28/11/11 Turns out, on average, we’re a pretty swell bunch when Bruno Bayley: This isn’t personal, but maybe 27 AGENCY, DEPHECT, GRAVIS, OSIRIS SHOES, SKULL CANDY, it comes to caring for individuals and being fair. What we’re Italy. Italians are pretty into corruption, but then 841 WHEELS, DGK CLOTHING, GRIT SCOOTER, OUT OF STEP, SOLE TECHNOLOGIES, not fond of is hierarchies, obeying authority or maintaining again they are mostly Catholics. Maybe that instils some ADIO, DEUCE BRAND, GROUND CONTROL, OXBOW, SPIN TRADING, bodily and spiritual “purity”, but who is these days? deep-seated morality in them? Probably not. ALPINE STARS, DGK SKATEBOARDS, HABITAT, PASS PORT, STANCE, Of course, the results also detailed each editor’s moral ALTAMONT, DOUBLE OVERHEAD, HOLLYWOOD, PENNY, STEREO, pitfalls and other shortcomings. We graphed their results, Raf Katigbak: I’d have to say Russia. That place is AME GRIPS, DVS, HUF, PHANTOM TRUCKS, STREET ARTIST/ designated a random interviewer who was not involved the Federal Republic of We Don’t Give a Fuck. ANOLOG, EASTPAK, I FIVE DISTRIBUTION, PICTURE WHEEL CO, STRAIGHT JACKET, with the test and asked the most extreme cases to explain AO SCOOTERS, EBONY GRIPTAPE, INDEPENDENT, PIG, SUTSU, their deviance. Then we emailed everyone to guess which Rocco Castoro: France, hands down. The people AUTOBAHN, ELECTRIC, INDUSTRIAL TRUCKS, PLAN B, THE HUNDREDS, country ranked as the most despicable of all. running the place—and for that matter running BERLIN WOOD, ELEMENT CLOTHING, JETT 26, POLAR SKATE CO, THE ROLLING PEOPLE, BLACKRIVER, ELEMENT SKATEBOARD, JIMMYZ, RAZORS, THEEVE TRUCKS, the IMF up until recently—seem to have no problem pub- BLADERUNNER, ELYTS SHOES, KARMA SKATEBOARDS, RAZORS ZERO VAT, TITEN BEARINGS, VICE: You two scored the lowest in the purity category. licly cheating on their spouses. Also, I’ve never known a BLUEPRINT, EMERICA, KEEN DISTRIBUTION, RB AGG. ZERO VAT, TKC SALES, What’s the most impure thing you’ve done lately? French person to ever admit any wrongdoing. This atti- BLVD SKATEBOARDS, ETNIES, KING APARREL, RB REC ZERO VAT, TOYMACHINE, Rocco Castoro: I killed a cockroach by lighting it tude informs their pathetic extradition and labour laws, BODYGUARD, EXPEDITION ONE SKATE- LAKAI, ROLLERBLADE AGG., TRICKNOLOGY, on fire. which makes the country a magnet for unethical creeps BODYGUARD ZERO VAT, BOARDS, LOVENSKATE, ROLLERBLADE REC, TSG, with no responsibility. BREO, FALLEN, MATIX, RUSH BEARINGS, TSG ZERO VAT, Jan van Tienen: I carried a dead hare across a field BR ZERO VAT, FKD BEARINGS, METAL MULISHA, RVCA, ULTRA SPORT EU, by its hind legs, which were covered in its own Toni L. Querol: Tough call. Russia, maybe be- BRIXTON, FLI DISTRIBUTION, MOTIVE SKATEBOARDS, SAN CLEMENTE LONG- VIC NC, urine. The hunter who shot it had just pushed the urine out cause there’s that scene in Crime and Punishment C1RCA FOOTWEAR, FORM DISTRIBUTION, MR LACEY, BOARDS, VICTORY HARDWARE, of the bladder with his fist. (It keeps the flesh from tasting where they beat a horse to death? Or Sweden, because CAPIX HELMETS, FOUNDATION, NEFF, SANTA CRUZ, VOX FOOTWEAR, CARVE, foul.) My fingers smell like hare pee now. when Swedish chicks come to visit Spain they only hook FOURSTAR, NOMAD, SCOOTER BASICS, WARFIRE TRUCKS, CHOCOLATE, GIRL, OBSOLETE INLINE, SHINER DISTRIBUTION, WE ARE ROCK SOLID, up with Latin skaters? Or maybe Canada, because they CLAN 010, GLOBE, OBSOLETE SKATEBOARD, SILVER TRUCKS, WINKLER WHEELS, Hey, Raf. Guess what, buddy? You scored a 1.17 out of 5 never officially apologised for Bryan Adams? DC SHOES, GOLD WHEELS, ONEAL, SK8OLOGY, ZERO, for in-group loyalty. Why are you such a treacherous snake DEKLINE, GRAFIKA SKATEBOARDS, ORGANIKA SKATEBOARDS, SKATE MENTAL, Z-FLEX when it comes to your family, friends and country? Don’t Milène Larsson: It’s a tie between Russia and the you like Canada? US. What’s worse? A country that handles its own www.theledgeshow.com Raf Katigbak: Maybe it’s because our flag is kind business as badly as Russia, or one that sticks its nose into Go Online to register your colleagues/new details NOW of gay, or that our national anthem is an everyone else’s business and fucks it up like the US? PLEASE NOTE: Badges will be sent immediately by email. Tel: +44 (0) 1162 898 249 Email: [email protected] [email protected] 28 VICE.COM

UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 28 11-12-01 9:37 AM HADEPHOBIA IS THE FEAR OF HADES And It’s Scary as Hell

BY HANNAH BROOKS, ILLUSTRATION BY TULSI MAYA

re you terrified of spending eternity in a filthy pit of ever- I quickly discovered that navigating Christian chat sites lasting destruction? A horrible place where demons cut can be tricky. I got distracted at every turn, first by choosing Aoff your eyelids, forcing you to watch your worst memo- a mood icon—I decided on one called “praising”— then by ries over and over? And succubi peel layers off your skin, figuring out how to earn “blessings” (you have to buy them), replacing it with a coat of maggots? A stratum of damnation and finally by the topics themselves. “Is muscle relaxation in which the fire beneath your feet is never extinguished and dangerous?” asked one. Another: “Do angels judge us on “forever” translates to the blackest darkness? Where you will our appearance?” I hope not, because I’m not sure hell is big exist in perpetuity, tormented, weeping and gnashing your enough for all the ugly motherfuckers out there. teeth, with no one but the devil himself to hear your burning After four days, I not only had a few replies but someone soul howl in terror? had bought me 300 blessings. The first comment, from a guy If so, you might be suffering from a condition known with 1,066,312 blessings, was pretty bleak: “There is just as hadephobia, or the “morbid, irrational fear of hell”. the forever worm and uncross-able huge chasm. There is just According to various mental health sites, hadephobes expe- judgment and death. Forever life for true Christians and for- rience physical symptoms, including palpitations, sweating, ever (no coming back) death for those who are evil. The two nausea and hyperventilation, while the condition’s psycho- will not share consciousness together again.” logical side effects include “feeling out of control, trapped, A nice lady with 100,684,682 blessings posted a Bob Dylan unable to escape and an intense feeling of impending doom”. quote—undoubtedly from his Christian period—and said: Like a lot of chronic fears, hadephobia can be brought on “Your symptoms are but one of the many symptoms of the by a real-life trauma, with the fear of hell attaching itself to destructiveness that can accompany religion. I would exam- real terror. Unsurprisingly, it’s prevalent in people who have ine your motivations of the faith and consider what is best been raised in deeply religious environments because to fear for your mental health.” Another man—and proud vessel of hell you have to believe in it. And, according to a 2009 poll 696,926 blessings—posted a clip-art picture of a stoner dude by the Pew Forum, 59 percent of Americans think that if you holding a guitar in front of a blazing sunset, with the caption, burrow deep enough into the earth you’ll arrive in Satan’s “If you believe that there really is a fiery place where people domain, where he and his demon friends will be torturing are burned alive forever without end, then it would be normal evildoers for eternity. and natural to be paralysed by fear of it. Thankfully, there is To get an idea of what these poor bastards go through, no such place. The bible specifically states that the wages of sin I spent some time cruising online Christian forums. Almost is death, not eternal torture in hell (Romans 6:23). I think it is every hadephobe I came across wrote about being afraid, a shame that people try to scare you with fairytales of eternal confused and losing the will to live. Also, almost all of them torment.” It was about this time that I came to wholeheartedly spelled hell with a capital H. like this site and the advice I was being given. Here are some highlights from my time trolling through In an effort to be objective and glean a dissenting opinion, Satanic cyberspace: I also spent some time chatting to Rick Lannoye, author of “Clinton” writes: “I barely have the will to live... I always the book Hell? No! Why You Can Be Certain There Is No have nightmares of demons and snakes. I worry about a God Such Place as Hell. Offering hope to hadephobes everywhere, that I despise [sic] might torture my atheist friends. I’m always the text is a factual deconstruction of the concept of hell, so scared that I sometimes wish I could die so I could finally using scripture to show that Jesus never cited such an awful not live in fear of the unknown of what is on the other side.” place. Rick told me: “I was converted to Evangelicalism at the “Depressed Girl” expressed a similar sentiment: “I can’t tender age of 14. I understand how the lack of adult reason tell you how much it scares me; I can’t even imagine myself makes one vulnerable to emotion conditioning, to become so burning in the fire. I know I did sins, I even repent but surely afraid that hell might exist.” He added that it’s irresponsible God will punish me, I will be burned in the Hell. I am not of adults to instil this fear in the “minds of innocent children able to enjoy life, all the time I think about Hell and its pun- who are not old enough to discern the difference between ishment, now I am experiencing living Hell.” real and unrealistic threats.” “Somedude” worries about his non-God-fearing friends: It took Rick more than 20 years of extensive research, “Most Christians believe that if you accept Jesus then you’re compiled in Hell? No!, to shake off his fear, and he hopes saved. That’s fine for me… but what about everyone else? that his book can help others who have been “subjected to Would a loving God allow anyone to suffer forever? And the manipulation of the scriptures by false teachers”. He how would anyone enjoy heaven knowing that people are guarantees that “you can come to a sure knowledge that God suffering eternally?” will never, ever hurt anyone, not for a moment, much less It’s a good question that attracted varied responses. “Pray for eternity.” My favourite advice, though, comes from a about it” seems to be the advice most often offered by post- Christian forum poster who goes by the name “Iranian”. He ers, while others suggest seeking medical assistance. Posing says: “Live life as any normal person, and if God sends you as a hadephobia sufferer, I started a few threads of my own to hell he’s a jerk.” to see what advice my fellow forum lurkers had to offer. Amen to that, brother.

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UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 30 11-11-29 1:06 PM UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 31 11-11-29 1:06 PM The image of sinister world-dominating councils per- DON’T FEAR THE SQUARE forming weird ceremonies while dressed in black hooded robes doesn’t quite square up with the lovely ladies of the Rose Garden and Symbola lodges—two of 19 AND COMPASS female-only Masonic organisations in Germany. These Masonettes are devoted to Enlightenment-era ideals of These Masonic Ladies Are Really Quite Lovely liberty, equality and fraternity. They meet every month in a converted bank vault to perform rituals based on BY STEFAN LAUER onspiracy theorists have been accusing Freema- psychology and performance, not black magic. sons of being an evil secret society long before Occasionally they attract the interest of people PHOTOS BY Cthat freaky pyramid eye showed up on the $1 bill. who want to join the Freemasons in hopes of gaining ALBRECHT FUCHS Today, grammar-challenged internet dwellers blame supervillain-like powers, until inevitably discovering them for everything from the financial crisis to fooling that these women do not control the hidden levers of people into believing in global warming to communi- the world. They do have a bunch of cool knickknacks, cating via a mysterious Pynchon-esque encrypted mail though, and were kind enough to let us hang out and system. Since 1738, the Catholic Church has barred its shoot some photos. The only thing some of them followers from becoming Masons because doing so is requested was that we don’t use their real names, and apparently a guaranteed one-way ticket to hell. we had no problem with that. This square and compass on top of the Volume of the Sacred Law are placed in the easternmost part of the temple during rituals, next to the senior officer of the lodge, who’s known as the Worshipful Master.

Maria Grimmler, 51. Freemason since 2000. Rank: Master Mason. Maria enjoys travelling and learning about Greek mythology and has two grown children. She told us she joined the Freemasons because it allows her to think outside of dogmatic boundaries.

The All-Seeing Eye is a symbol of the Great Architect of the Universe, a generic term for a supreme being that all Masons believe in. (The identity and makeup of the supreme being is left up to individual Masons to decide for themselves.)

Sylvia Gräber, 44. Freemason since 1999. Rank: Master Mason. She is a journalist, sings in a pop-rock band, The Rough Ashlar (the rock) represents the imperfections of man. Julia Plätzmann, 34. Freemason since 2010. Rank: Entered Apprentice. Gea Bermann, 67. Freemason since 2004. Rank: Master Mason. She is a speech scientist and has four grown and says she finds a spiritual home in the rituals of the Freemasons without being tied to one specific religion. Julia’s interests include metal, football and cats. She got the tattoo children. She said she became a Freemason because she loves the discussion between people who might be before becoming a member. different but have the same goals. 32 VICE.COM VICE.COM 33

UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 32 11-11-29 1:06 PM UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 33 11-11-29 1:06 PM them would give me an answer to the question, “Will my kinds of places where people are apparently living in the declared, “Ask a psychic guidance question, get an answer FUTURE IMPERFECT next year be better than this last one?” The first prediction back room (in the first shop I saw a pair of sock-covered feet ASAP!” I asked whether my next year would be better than method I tried out was also the cheapest: the I Ching. through an open door; in the second a man was watching a my last, entered my credit card information—and was asked Can a Bunch of Soothsayers Tell Me What country-music awards show). to reenter my credit card number. Even after going to Gypsies THE I CHING The first Gypsy’s name was Sara, according to her business for a fortune, this was too sketchy for me. to Do with My Life? The Chinese have been using this book for thousands card, and she had cash stuffed into her massive, middle-aged of years. According to the introduction to my edi- cleavage. For 15 bucks, she glanced at my palms and then PROFESSIONAL TAROT CARD READER tion, it is “a particular kind of imaginative space set delivered a litany of predictions in a bored voice: I’d live until Liat Silberman, an Australian expat who reads fortunes in BY HARRY CHEADLE ’m sure I’m not alone in this, but 2011 was a lousy, off for a dialogue with the gods or spirits, the creative I was 80, I’d have two sons, I’d start my own business, my TriBeCa, wasn’t sketchy at all. She charges 100 bucks per lousy year for me. It began with me getting dumped basis of experience now called the unconscious.” Huh. struggles weren’t my fault but a result of the shadow cast by reading, is often booked months in advance, and does her tarot PHOTOS BY Ivia Facebook and ended with me being so poor Basically, you use a randomised process to draw a series others’ negative emotions, I still had a connection with the last card deciphering in upscale cafés. She was pleasantly matter- MIKE de LEON that I’m buying oranges with small change and eat- of lines, and these lines give you one or two symbols woman I loved— of-fact as she laid out a “Celtic cross” arrangement of cards ing them for dinner. In the past 12 months I’ve been called hexagrams. Traditionally, you’re supposed to use “Actually,” I interrupted, “not really. It was a clean break, and told me what she saw: I was low on money, anxious and mugged, spent a night in jail, broken both my com- 50 yarrow stalks to come up with the lines, but I didn’t a mutual decision to—” uncertain about the future, and not making enough time for puter and my glasses, fallen behind on my rent, got have any yarrow stalks handy so I flipped three pennies “I mean, there’s a connection you have with the places you friends—if I continued this way I might fall into repetitive, called an asshole more times than I can count, and six times instead. used to visit,” she added hastily. materialistic patterns of addiction, represented by a suitably puked more times than I got laid. First-world prob- The first hexagram I produced was Pi, or “I guess,” I said. ugly Devil card. She saw two women in my future, but—she lems, sure, but their cumulative effect makes me feel “Obstruction”, which told me that shit was hinder- At the end of my reading, she told me my various chakras turned over a card featuring a guy facedown with a mess of like I’m being slowly ground down between a pair of ing me, that it wasn’t really my fault, and I just had were blocked, but if I gave her $300 for some crystals, they’d swords in his back—things weren’t going to turn out well with massive millstones. I’ve got a tiny, buzzing nodule of to accept it. (I’m paraphrasing.) The second hexagram, be unblocked. “Will you let me help you?” she asked in the either of them. stress lodged permanently in the back of my brain. however, was the much more positive Chi Chi, or bland voice of a salesman reciting a memorised pitch. I told Either she was more psychic than the storefront Gypsies or When I was 18, I remember thinking that being 24 “Already Fording”, a symbol that “describes your situ- her I’d think about it. she was way better at bullshitting. But whatever the case, as would be awesome, which goes to show you what an ation in terms of an important move from one position The second Gypsy, amazingly, felt like even more of a I spread out my problems before her she reminded me that I idiot I was at 18. to another”. According to the rough English transla- scam. After taking my 55 bucks, she blithely turned over was in my 20s and everyone in their 20s feels this way when One thing became clear to me over the past month: I tion, I should stay obstructed until it’s time to ford; or, tarot cards while asking me whether common girls’ names they’re trying to figure stuff out. It’s no big deal. Her advice needed guidance. I wanted a series of steps that would in other words, do nothing until things get better. Now like Jennifer and Stephanie meant anything to me (not really), was to have some fun, enjoy the city, grow and adapt—the make me feel better, or at least some assurance that my that’s the kind of advice that’ll keep you coming back and wondering aloud whether I had ever had my child stuff I know but still need to hear again and again, because 365-day slump was temporary. I know some people to this oracle for centuries! As positive as the fortune aborted or undergone some trauma as a child (um, I don’t I’m an idiot—and she delivered it in the manner of that kindly, turn to Christ or Allah or Vishnu in times of tribula- was, I needed something a little more human. So I went think so). When she told me I’d be a millionaire I said I didn’t unhip aunt whom you feel comfortable discussing your drug tion, but organised religion generally just tells you to to some Gypsies. really want that much money. She replied, “Everyone wants use with. not be an asshole and to avoid eating certain animals. I money.” I think I learned more about her than I did about was looking for more specific, personal advice. So like STOREFRONT FORTUNE TELLERS my future. Like the first Gypsy, she tried to sell me mysti- FORTUNE COOKIE any logical person, I turned to psychics. Well, I’m not sure they were Gypsies, but they certainly cal items for hundreds of dollars, and I wondered how these That night, I walked by my local hole-in-the-wall Chinese Now, believing that there are certain people or cards seemed like it. Both of the psychic shops I visited were storefronts stayed in business. restaurant and thought, what the hell? What’s one more for- or coins that can magically know stuff that hasn’t hap- typical of storefront fortune tellers you find all over tune? After choking down an order of General Tso’s chicken, pened yet is pretty loopy, but if you want to know the Manhattan’s Lower East Side and probably in every ONLINE PSYCHIC I broke open my cookie and got the message: “You are almost future there are no non-loopy options. I just had to try crowded Western city—advertised by neon signs, filled When I told my photographer friend about the story I was there.” Well, shit. Maybe there’s something to this stuff after as many fortune tellers as I could, hoping that one of with a mix of new-age and old-world bric-a-brac, the writing, he sent me a link to a site called justanswer.com that all. I’m going to save those lucky numbers.

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UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 34 11-11-29 1:06 PM UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 35 11-11-29 1:06 PM Beardsworth, professor of political philosophy and money from speculating in risky securities. Many compo- 20 years, although it is important to recall that relative pov- international relations at the American University of nents of Glass-Steagall were repealed in 1999 with the passage erty has declined during the same period (most importantly WE CAN ALL AGREE THE Paris, and Martin Kragh, associate professor at the of the Gramm-Leach-Bliley Act. Some of the members of the due to the accelerated growth of “emerging” economies). A Stockholm School of Economics. Occupy movement believe that restoring it would help control response to this growing disparity is critical for many moral SYSTEM IS FUCKED speculation in complicated and risky financial “products” like reasons. However, I don’t think one should limit individual A WORLD WITHOUT MONEY derivatives, which they feel helped cause the financial meltdown. wealth per se, but tax this wealth, progressively, through But How Occupy’s Going to Fuck the System Is Many protesters believe that a world without money Richard Beardsworth: The Gramm-Leach-Bliley Act pulled institutional mechanisms; in other words, let us not moralise a Whole Other Ordeal would be a better place for everyone, as all the cur- down barriers between investment strategies and deposit upon wealth creation but instead institutionalise its lim- rent problems could be fixed without anyone saying holding, allowing bankers to confuse and ignore their respon- its. How is one going to limit global corporate market share the solutions were “too expensive”. Additionally, it is sibilities and take excessive risks with other people’s savings without anti-trust/anti-monopoly laws at the global level, BY MILÈNE LARSSON ccupy Wall Street’s transformation from a few claimed, in a barter-based society where people give one and debt. To argue for restoration of the division between which requires a world government? The suggestion is not leftist protesters squatting in Zuccotti Park into a another their skills and knowledge freely, crime “would investment and commercial banking makes a great deal of feasible without a world constitutional order (with targeted ILLUSTRATIONS BY Oglobal movement is both predictable and surpris- be greatly reduced”. political sense to me, in this context (I cannot speak to the mechanisms of enforcement) in which the global market is MALIN BERGSTRÖM ing. It’s predictable because the global financial crisis, Richard Beardsworth: Without money as medium financial arguments). Without it, the actual responsibility for embedded. Consequently, each proposal is, respectively, the subsequent taxpayer-funded bank bailouts and the of exchange and stock of value, there would be nei- the crisis is not being politically addressed. This is bad politics. morally and historically inappropriate. stringent austerity measures that followed were the ther international trade nor investment (and therefore Martin Kragh: There is actually a discussion right now in the Martin Kragh: How do you know that £1 billion is the political equivalent of pouring petrol all over the West- growth). A world without money would quite simply not United Kingdom to implement a law that would again separate magic number? I don’t get it. And will this number be adjusted ern world; it’s surprising because no one would have be a “world”. Like similar proposals during the crises of the two branches of commercial and investment banking. This is for inflation and exchange-rate movements? And if a firm has guessed that a tent-based demonstration instigated by modernity, the proposal is ahistorical and metaphysical. a political process, and as such is hard to predict. But it is clear a huge market share, is that not because people like their prod- Adbusters magazine and Anonymous would be the Martin Kragh: The idea of a world without money has that all Western economies will emerge from the current crisis ucts? Governments should not regulate whether people buy match that lit the whole mess ablaze. been around for centuries. However, archaeological and with a set of new regulations. We just don’t know which ones. iPhones or Samsungs. I’m in favour of progressive taxation, As the leaderless Occupy movement spread to 2,400 anthropological studies strongly suggest that all larger soci- but we also need to encourage entrepreneurship and invest- cities worldwide, it’s slowly become more organised eties have used some sort of currency. Shells, coco beans RESPONSIBLE BEHAVIOUR ments. For this to happen, we have to accept the fact that some and is now trying to hammer out a consensus on how and various metals are examples of early money used Some Occupiers go so far as to say that there should be a successful people earn more money. they want things to change through roughly a gazillion already thousands of years ago. Today most transactions “cap” on how much money you can have—say, £1 billion per mind-numbing, bongo-drum-backed general assem- are done electronically, but it is money nevertheless. So one person—and how large a company’s market share could be glob- GLOBAL ACCOUNTABILITY blies. Until it issues an eloquent soundbite suitable for can probably change the current monetary system in bits ally—say, 10 percent. As a poster on the Occupywallstreet.com Some Occupiers want the global financial and global energy public consumption, we’ll have to glean what we can and parts, but as long as we have any trade and interaction forum who goes by “apacheman” put it, “There is no moral, sectors to be thoroughly and constantly investigated for fraud, from the countless reforms being suggested on the hun- between people, money will be with us. ethical or legal ground to sustain an assertion of the right to bribery, insider trading, violations of environmental laws and dreds—if not thousands—of Occupy online forums, live unlimited wealth for an individual or corporation. Capping conflicts of interest. The results of these investigations would streams and Twitter feeds. RESTORE THE GLASS-STEAGALL ACT individual wealth and corporate market share is necessary for then be published and all lawbreakers, including politicians, Below are recaps of some of the suggestions, both The Glass-Steagall Act, passed in the US in 1933, sepa- the betterment of all.” would be prosecuted. This argument speaks to the feeling clever and ludicrous, the Occupy movement has rated investment banking from commercial banking, Richard Beardsworth: Disparity of wealth between the among protesters that widespread corruption and illegal activ- offered to date, coupled with commentary by Richard preventing the banks where most people keep their rich and the poor has increased substantially over the past ity are what bankrupted the economy.

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UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 36 11-11-29 1:06 PM UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 37 11-11-30 9:32 AM Richard Beardsworth: Things are never black and white, parliamentary levels; if you don’t like their spending decisions, and the universal pretensions behind this proposal are uto- you should vote for someone else. pian and moralistic. That there should be a universal body to investigate globally articulated bank frauds is, however, a THE ROBIN HOOD TAX reasonable suggestion. The first more feasible and more effec- The so-called Robin Hood Tax is a proposal that would place tive thing to focus on is the elimination of tax havens. a tax on financial transactions like stock and bond trades and Martin Kragh: This sounds good to me. However, I’m afraid currency exchanges. The tax rate would be as low as 0.05 per- that most of the current financial disaster was brought upon us cent, but proponents say it would yield hundreds of billions of by people who acted completely according to existing legisla- pounds a year that would be earmarked for good causes. It’s tion. So first we need good governance and sound regulations. backed by economists, politicians and even the Vatican. Richard Beardsworth: It is a very attractive idea that dates CONTROL OF OUR OWN MONEY back, in its specifics, to the 1970s and has, as said above, a Another idea bandied about in Occupy discussion groups is large backing. The question is how to put it in place (feasibility that taxpayers should have more of a say in how their money and efficacy). Some suggest that the IMF would be the suitable is spent. This could be accomplished by setting up secure tax- institution to coordinate the levying and collection of the tax, payment hubs where citizens would be able to decide which although many countries in the South do not believe the IMF government departments and programmes they want to sup- is impartial enough. With recent policy changes and new direc- port. The government could present proposals to voters, but it tion, I do think the IMF is the right institution to coordinate would be up to the citizenry to decide what programmes get and collect, since it is the only financial institution universal funding, and how much. enough to begin to make the tax effective. Concentrated focus Richard Beardsworth: Strong participatory democracy on this proposal seems worthwhile at this moment of financial regarding fiscal policy can make sense locally. It certainly and ideological uncertainty. makes no sense, however, at the national level, given the Martin Kragh: Economists believe that a tax can be levied technical complexity of the issues. This is not to excuse in order to direct incentives of households and firms. The idea technocracy (Obama was unable to reform Wall Street of a levy on financial transactions (also known as a Tobin partly because of his necessary reliance on “insider” tech- tax) sounds reasonable but can be hard to enforce in prac- nical advice), but one should bear in mind that politicising tice. Banks today finance their activities to a large extent on technical issues is itself a complex process. Direct citizen decision- short-term money markets, meaning that they rely on borrow- making is not the answer on this issue. More generally, we need ing from other banks, domestically and abroad. I’m not sure to reinvent republicanism for a global age, not reduce complex we want to hamper their ability to do so. There is also the risk concerns to a “city-state” model of democratic participation. that the EU will use such a tax to finance their huge deficits, Martin Kragh: This idea sounds extremely dangerous to me. which implies a risk for more federalism—something most We do not want people to negotiate who should receive medi- Europeans don’t want. There might be more efficient ways to cal treatment or education. We elect governments on local and regulate speculation on the domestic level.

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UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 38 11-11-29 1:06 PM 40 VICE.COM VICE.COM 41

UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 40 11-11-29 1:06 PM UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 41 11-11-29 1:06 PM Photo by: Henry Langston

A Swiss partier-turned-protester prepares a very spicy cocktail.

Armed with party supplies—including speaker sys- PARTY ON, DUBSTEP DUDES tems and crates of alcoholic beverages—more than a thousand teenagers swarmed the square, a major Swiss Ravers Put Down the Lollipops and traffic junction and transportation hub. At 11 PM sharp, just as partiers-cum-protesters had been Pick Up Petrol Bombs instructed (even parties start on time in Switzerland), overloaded amplifiers blasted distorted beats out of BY TILL RIPPMANN arlier this year, as rioting and revolution convulsed speakers, and the normal activity of the square was the rest of the world, Switzerland remained predict- brought to a sudden, brutal halt. PHOTO BY Eably stable. This is largely due to a combination of Minutes later, the boys in blue arrived in full riot EVAN RUETSCH its famed neutrality, guaranteed health insurance, low gear, and the Swiss youth quickly learned that life is unemployment (2.9 percent, ha!), and labour unions not a Chumbawamba video and you can’t literally party TRANSLATION BY that operate symbiotically with management. In fact, in the streets without a few heads being smashed in. PETER DAY Zurich, Switzerland’s largest city, is regularly cited as Some of the partier-demonstrators climbed onto a roof, one of the nicest places to live on the planet, even if it and the police predictably ordered them to get down. can be perceived as a tad boring. The cops brought out their riot gear and their oppo- So if you’re a rebellious little Swiss shithead, you nents brandished their own: masks, flammable liquid might be frustrated by the lack of things to rage and approximately 2,000 beer bottles. Sticks and stones against. You also might channel your inexplicably were thrown, shop windows smashed, trash cans set on suppressed hate for The World into downing MDMA fire, and the party officially “got out of hand”. like Pixy Stix and dancing your face off to dubstep in After the smoke cleared, the riot had caused approxi- 48-hour increments. mately £73,000 worth of damage, two people were injured This type of behaviour was all good fun for everyone and the cops had arrested 91 people (only six of whom were until summertime, when illegal raves began getting busted over 25 years old). Naturally, blame had to be assigned, by fun-hating cops. Somewhere between ten and 15 and Zurich chief of police Philipp Hotzenköcherle pinned substantial ragers had been shut down by September 3, it on “riot tourists”, which is a pretty awesome turn of when coppers put the kibosh on yet another massive phrase, and something that someone should probably base late-night party. a business plan off of soon. Roger Tognella, a leader of The kids decided they’d had enough, and over the Switzerland’s liberal FDP party, ominously hinted during next week organised an unholy amalgam of party and a recent radio interview that if there were more riots, the protest via text messages and social networking, tak- army would have to get involved. Tanks rolling through ing to the streets of Zurich’s famed Bellevue Square. It Zurich’s streets in a clampdown on club kids? Now that WATCH NOW ON quickly escalated into a full-blown riot. would give the youth something to protest.

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UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 42 11-12-01 10:27 AM The day after the death of Angel Petrov in Katunitsa, anti-Romani protesters in front of Parliament in Sofia, Bulgaria, wave the national flag in the face of riot cops. Photo courtesy of BTA. SUBSCRIBE

themselves from far-right extremists, nationalists seized ROMANI RUCKUS the moment for some prime fearmongering. The police managed to prevent further escalation, TO VICE Bulgaria’s Anti-Gypsy Protests Were a but a few nasty incidents still occurred, such as the beating of a pregnant Romani hooker by a gang of For years we told people not to subscribe to Vice because it doesn’t Bummer All Around skinheads, riots in the city of Varna, and the vandal- really make us any money and, unlike most other publications (which ising of shops in Plovdiv. In Sofia, protesters hurled are corrupt organs of lies and filth), we don’t use our subscriber BY BLAGOVEST n September 23, 19-year-old Angel Petrov was in- rubble at the police. In the ensuing chaos, one of the numbers to try and squeeze an extra quid out of advertisers. Plus, the BLAGOEV tentionally run over and killed by a minibus full protesters was hospitalised when a rock collided with whole managing the list and mailing thing is a huge pain in the arse to Oof Romani while walking his dog in the village of his head and more than 200 people were arrested deal with. Katunitsa, Bulgaria. Following the murder, which was around the country. The following day, vigilantes and This is all still the case, but after untold years of emails and letters from subsequently linked to orders from notorious Romani the police publicised the Facebook accounts of those people whining about how they can’t get their hands on an actual physi- crime boss Kiril Rashkov, racial tensions between ethnic organising the protest, and pages with names like cal copy of the magazine because some idiot keeps grabbing 20 copies Bulgarians and Romanis escalated and sparked anti- “End Gypsy Terror! Help Bulgarians in Katunitsa!” at a time and then selling them on eBay, we are throwing our hands up Gypsy demonstrations, with thousands of people across were taken down. The most popular page had more and saying, “FINE!” the country taking to the streets, shouting things like, than 70,000 followers—yet just under 5,000 protest- “Gypsies into soap, Turks under the knife!” ers took to the streets. So if you want to get Vice in the post every month, it’s £35 for one year Prior to the murder, Rashkov and his grandsons The flagrant anti-Romani sentiment of the demon- including the behemoth Photo Issue in June. Send cheque or money reportedly made death threats to the victim’s family strations deterred most sane people, and the popularity order (payable to VICE UK Ltd) to: over an ongoing blood feud. Shortly after this news of the marches dropped sharply by October. Rashkov Subscriptions, VICE Media Group broke, a local crowd, backed by hooligans from Plovdiv, and two of his grandsons were arrested on charges of New North Place, London EC2A 4JA Bulgaria’s second-largest city, stormed three of the five coercion (i.e., death threats), tax evasion and possess- houses owned by Rashkov and set them ablaze with ing forged IDs. At present, it is thought that his clan is Or subscribe online at www.vice.com Molotov cocktails. While most protesters distanced making plans to escape to neighbouring Serbia. Please allow six to eight weeks for delivery of your first issue.

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UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 44 11-12-01 10:39 AM MANCHESTER LONDON TUESDAY 24 JANUARY THURSDAY 26 JANUARY WE’RE DOING THE DEAF INSTITUTE THE OLD BLUE LAST LEEDS BRISTOL RELEASE PARTIES WEDNESDAY 25 JANUARY THURSDAY 26 JANUARY AROUND THE A NATION OF SHOPKEEPERS START THE BUS NOTTINGHAM BRIGHTON COUNTRY – COME! WEDNESDAY 25 JANUARY FRIDAY 27 JANUARY THE RESCUE ROOMS GREEN DOOR STORE

MPL takes to the streets in São Paulo after the announcement of a bus fare hike. The banner reads, “Three bucks is stealing.”

avenues were cordoned off, and, predictably, the police cracked down, firing thousands of rubber bullets and BUMMING A RIDE arresting 30 people. Brazilian School Kids Are Demanding Later that month the MPL also rose up in Natal, the capital of Rio Grande do Norte, where the approval Free Transport for All rating of Green Party mayor Micarla de Sousa (who nicknamed herself “the Butterfly Mayor”) hovered BY ANDRÉ MALERONKA razil’s Movimento Passe Livre (MPL, aka the Free around 10 percent. Protesters marched for five miles Fare Movement) is a nationwide, semi-organised before setting up camp outside of the city council PHOTO BY Barmy of young protesters demanding that the govern- building, pitching tents and preparing for a long stay. LUCAS CONEJERO ment create free-of-charge national public transportation. Curiously, joints and used condoms suddenly appeared The MPL prides itself on being completely leaderless, in the camp just before local TV channel Ponta Negra decentralised and nonpartisan, and they are single- (owned by Ms Butterfly Mayor, naturally) arrived to mindedly fanatical about the transportation issue in cover the uprising. Despite the negative media atten- Brazil. The group is mostly made up of students who, tion, protesters remained nonviolent. over the past few years, have been protesting—some In August, it was Teresina’s turn to play host to would say rioting—in the streets and have subsequently the demonstrations, and this branch of the MPL was been tear gassed, shot with rubber bullets and beaten much less committed to nonviolence than their cous- by baton-wielding plainclothes cops. Despite being ins in Natal. Over five days of protests, the number of referred to as hooligans in the mainstream media, the protesters grew from 2,000 to 15,000 as young people MPL has had at least one notable success: in 2005, the responded to the cops’ tear gas by throwing rocks and government cancelled a planned increase in bus fares sticks and setting fire to barricades and buses. After the because of massive protests. smoke cleared, the city agreed to reduce bus fares—a The MPL’s 2011 campaign started on January 3, as clear victory for the MPL. students began protesting a 20-cent bus fare increase in The mainstream international media has largely Salvador, the capital of the northeastern state of Bahia. ignored the MPL. Perhaps that’s because the move- The protests lasted for three days, reminding many of ment’s concerns are local to Brazil, or maybe protests For more information visit vice.com/uk/photo Salvador’s last “Bus Riot”, in 2003, which shut down over transportation fee hikes are far less sexy than @viceuk #VICElaunch the city for ten days and quickly spread throughout the other forms of riotous behaviour currently exploding VICE.COM/ISSUELAUNCH facebook.com/vice rest of the country. around the world. But if there continue to be protests In June, an MPL faction in the southeastern state of this magnitude and violence, everyone is going to of Espírito Santo shut down three cities for three days. be hearing a lot more about these Brazilian kids in the Piles of tyres burned in front of government buildings, months to come.

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UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 46 11-12-01 9:45 AM nlike our protest-happy French neighbours, historically us A RIOT OF THEIR OWN Brits have been pretty slack when it comes to setting things Uon fire and throwing paving stones at the police. Even last A Year of Great British Uprising year, when the Tories returned to power, in coalition with the Lib- eral Democrats, apathy reigned; people were all too happy to sit at WORDS AND PHOTOS BY HENRY LANGSTON home moaning about everything, but no one was pissed off enough to take action. Then, on November 10, 2010, everything changed. The government, facing a massive deficit, decided to raise annual university tuition fees from approximately £3,000 to a whop- ping £9,000. Thousands of students stormed Tory headquarters, embarrassing the Metropolitan Police by forcing their way into the building unopposed and causing almost £2 million in damages. A month later, London was still under siege by protesters. This devolved into sporadic violence, and the government proved stag- geringly inept at containing the protests, which soon spread to universities across the nation. Despite increased public pressure, the protests failed to change the government’s mind about the fees Today the university is occupied again, and the increase, and in the minds of the student dissidents the new Tories ATHENIAN ANARCHY anarchists and socialists toast one another around of David Cameron became as bad as the Thatcher-era ones. The the country with the conviction that Greece will soon protest also helped to create a newly radicalised section of the pub- These Austerity Riots Are Pretty Fucking Greek to Me explode in a blaze of indiscriminate violence, just like lic willing to oppose the fees hike by any means necessary. those glory days of ’73. Caught flat-footed by the student uprising, the unions desper- Helping the cause is the fact that the Greek police ately tried to jump on the bandwagon by calling for a strike and BY ALEX MILLER arlier this year, the Greeks perfected their recipe for force is one of the most hated in all of Europe. Everyone organising a 500,000-strong protest in March against austerity pandemonium. First, fill a city square with thousands I spoke to claimed that the MAT special services (aka measures and pension freezes. This was a peaceful affair until PHOTOS BY HENRY Eof angry people. Then, get a few loopy communists riot cops) were connected to local fascist gadabouts the the anarchist group “Black Bloc” turned up. Using the large LANGSTON to charge at the horde with massive logs and flank them Golden Dawn. crowd to divert police attention, the anarchists struck, attack- with anarchists wielding Molotov cocktails. And finally, On the first day of organised strikes, it seemed like ing bank and fast-food chains and even throwing balloons filled when the crowd is panicked and people are crushing each every street was full of protesters. It may sound roman- with paint at the Ritz hotel. London was left with a clean-up other in terror, get the police to pelt them with tear gas. tic, but it felt more like a revolution than a protest. bill of about £1 million, and the government realised that their The Greeks were protesting against an austerity There was no united cause, just a common assump- police officers were dorks (literally, whale penises). bill presented to parliament by the Willy Loman of tion that life would be better without this government In the months following the violence, the government forced the European Union, Greek prime minister George (which seems to be the common thread of protests through more austerity cuts, which included a threat to lay off Papandreou, who has been desperately trying to persuade around the world this year). massive numbers of police. the rest of the EU to bail out his completely bankrupt The whole lot marched towards parliament in Most would agree that it was a good idea that officials didn’t country. When we arrived, huge piles of rubbish filled the Syntagma Square and tried their best to literally break follow through with the latter, because on August 4 police fatally streets, and everyone was visibly depressed. into the halls of government. They never got close—the shot a young black man in Tottenham, north London, and many The march was a shoddy confederation of factions: police used their armour, flash grenades, shields, trun- in the community gathered in a protest that soon boiled over into the communists, who always march alone; union work- cheons and lots and lots of gas. It seemed that most of non-denominational chaos. While police struggled to find out what ers, who had been occupying various state buildings the people fighting were chubby middle-aged guys who was going on, looting and arson brought London to its knees, with for a week; the students and “Desperados”—average probably cut their teeth in ’73—they broke massive Manchester, Birmingham, Leeds and Nottingham following suit. Greeks who don’t have much of an ideology but would rocks into chuck-friendly pieces like pros. The police Kids had come down with Looting Fever, gangs were running like to live in a country that isn’t run by corrupt morons. were throwing the rocks back at us, but it was still an wild and the police in London were stretched so thin that they Last, but certainly not least, were the anarchists, who uplifting and kind of communal experience. had to call in assistance from 16 other police forces, deploying were late after being impeded by the communists. The second day wasn’t so cheery. PAME, one of the 16,000 officers onto the streets. Fans of violent upheaval know that no one riots quite many communist subsections, lined up in front of par- Besides breaking a lot of windows, the August riots raised ques- like Greek anarchists, and if I were pressed to identify liament to protect it, refusing to let any other protesters tions about issues the government had previously ignored: gangs, a superstar faction out of the various groups of protest- pass. The anarchists took offence and responded by lob- inner-city poverty and a lack of working-class opportunity. Many ers, it would be them. Lots of people hate the anarchists, bing rocks and firebombs at anyone with a face. feel that the crimes of the thousands of unemployed young people but an equal number see them as the front line in an After a few hours of ugly battling, the MAT cops currently facing prison sentences for stealing trainers were far less ongoing war against oppression—a snot-nosed infantry removed—and replaced—the PAME guys in front of serious than those of bankers in fancy suits robbing billions from division of teenage crust punks. parliament. Desperados and anarchists backed off, taxpayers. These people have carried the department-store-burn- The anarchist “movement” was given a shot in the walking around aimlessly and muttering something ing torch by joining the global Occupy movement. arm in 2008, when a 15-year-old anarchist was killed by about “civil war”. On October 15, the Occupy London Stock Exchange pro- police. Anarchism, however, has influenced Greek poli- One anarchist, pausing for breath after a round of test set up camp outside St Paul’s Cathedral, the latest and least tics since the student uprisings of 1973, when the army battle with the police, shouted, “There is no tomor- violent protest in this long line of disturbances. They plan to con- drove a tank through the gates of the protester-occupied row!” At that moment, it sounded profound as shit, but tinue manifesting their malcontent until either the protest or the Athens Polytechnic, killing 18 people who had tied them- unfortunately, he was very, very wrong. cathedral is forced to shut down. They’re going to need all the

selves to the university gates and sparking a national Watch our VICE News special, Teenage Riot: Athens, on VICE.com right luck they can get. movement that would oust the right-wing junta. this very second.

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UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 48 11-11-29 1:06 PM UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 49 11-11-29 1:06 PM TALKIN’ SOME SERIOUS JIVE Historian David Starkey Blames the Riots on the Blacks

BY WILBERT L. COOPER verybody loves a scapegoat. So when gangs of “feral youth” ransacked the country last August, it wasn’t surprising that a bipartisan parade of politicians and pundits reduced the complex issues PHOTOS BY JAMES DOW Eof the riots into political point scoring. AND ROSE HALL On BBC2’s Newsnight, historian David Starkey offered these wise words: “The whites have become black.” In the broadest of strokes, Starkey pinned one of the most destructive events in recent British history on the culture of sagging trousers and gangster rap. One can only imagine the stuff that’s going to come out of his mouth once he hears about daggering. Trying to make sense of Starkey’s brain, and to perhaps see if there is some kernel of twisted truth at the centre of his remarks, we tapped Owen Jones, a lefty-journalist type who was sitting across from Starkey when he made his now-infamous remarks, and James Delingpole, the self-identified “libertarian-conservative” author who would have appeared on Newsnight that fateful evening had he not been on holiday. This banner was brandished at one of the many large-scale demonstrations organised by the Indignados movement in Barcelona. It says, “The street is ours. We won’t pay for their crisis”.

VICE: Make this easy for me. Whom—or How was this situation different from the riots building on that first day, the judge has decided to what—do we blame for the craziness that hap- in 1981, which were also largely sparked by ten- POPPING A SPANISH SQUAT archive the case. Even so, we’re still waiting for the pened last summer? sion between minorities and police? result of the civil action.” This process could take from Owen Jones: The rioters had many motivations. The public felt there were legitimate grievances Don’t Like Rent? Move to Barcelona anywhere between one and three years. Some were looking for a thrill, some for status, with the 80s riots. This time, you don’t have that The squatters have unique legal circumstances, but and for others it was about frustration. What because the attention has been focused on looting. their basic plight is familiar. Nearly 500,000 Spanish brought it all together was a perceived lack of BY TONI L. QUEROL he four-storey building that has come to symbolise families have become homeless after falling hopelessly a future. When people feel they have one, they Why should we be paying attention to anything else? Spain’s ongoing fight against foreclosure is a friendly behind on their mortgage payments, and the nation’s don’t jeopardise it by rioting. Forty-three percent of the rioters arrested are PHOTO BY T place. How friendly? When I walk up to the front unemployment rate has risen to 21 percent, the highest eligible for free meals—they’re officially poor. PABLO STERNBACH door, I can hear strains of Grease’s “You’re the One in Europe. People are justifiably pissed off, and their So do you think it was more of a poor thing The future looks bleak for young people. And That I Want” drifting out of the open windows. Every frustration has led to the appearance of groups like than a black thing? our attitude toward these social problems is that revolution needs an anthem, I guess. Plataforma de Afectados por la Hipoteca (Platform for There are a lot of problems between the police they’re actually individual failings. I’m received by two girls from the local assemblea Those Affected by Mortgages), who for the past two and and the black community. The fact that black who have converted a space originally intended for a half years have been campaigning for the retroactive people were disproportionately represented has Do you think these riots were justified? retail into a makeshift information desk offering free implementation of dación en pago, a legal procedure that to do with this. But most of the people who No. I don’t think anything positive has come out pamphlets about 15-M (as the Occupy movement is absolves bankrupt homeowners of debt and reinstates actually rioted were white. of it. People are still ignoring the plight of youth. known in Spain), as well as more specific information their ownership of foreclosed properties. So far, Spain’s about the building’s inhabitants. The first question I financial overlords have been unwilling to forgive debt, have is, why haven’t the police thrown the occupiers and the government has firmly sided with the banks. out, or at least given them a deadline for eviction from While the public debate grinds along, the cops have the homes they never owned in the first place? begun threatening the occupants of the Nou Barris build- Before becoming a squatters’ paradise, this block of ing, according to Ana Laura, a 27-year-old Colombian VICE: Did the rioters have legitimate grievances? saying, “That’s not my culture.” But that’s a nondescript suburban houses sat empty yet perfectly living in the squat. “Unfortunately, they managed to James Delingpole: This wasn’t Occupy London. straw-man argument. What Starkey was saying habitable for years, a happy accidental byproduct of convince one of the older ladies here that they had a war- Most of the rioters were members of the under- is that whites love to get down with the homies the real estate and construction bubble that burst at the rant,” she says. “She let them in, and as a result seven class. They’ve never had a job and have been and then say, “Hang on a second, this is not end of 2008. The families’ occupation of the property members of the families are in court today facing indi- cushioned from economic realities by welfare, black culture.” That’s abject hypocrisy. began just after the “15-O” protest, a global “day of vidual actions for breaking and entering. And just this enabling them to have a good lifestyle without action” organised by the Occupy movement that took weekend, three cops woke all the kids up by kicking the loyalty to Britain. So you’re not equating black culture with rioting? place on October 15. Following the march, a crowd of front door at 7 AM. Why would they do that?” No. Blackness doesn’t make you predisposed to approximately 2,000 stormed the Nou Barris building The families don’t have much love for the cops, or Where does black culture fit in to all of this? criminality. But the black culture of easy money and turned it into a refuge for Spanish, Dominican, politicians of any party, for that matter. General elec- Underclass culture is celebrated in hip-hop. and living fast was prevalent among the rioters. Gypsy and Colombian families who had been evicted tions are happening on November 20, and when I ask You talk to blacks about school and they say from their previous abodes and saddled with insur- whether any of the squatters are planning to vote, the it’s playing the white man’s game. Ask anyone How do we eradicate this tainted strain of black mountable debt. resulting laugh threatens to scare the birds away from what black culture is, they won’t say Herman culture? Get Bill Cosby over? According to Hibai Arbide Aza, an attorney work- the plaza in front of the building. Cain—it’s all bling and basketball stars. Blacks have a negative attitude because they ing on behalf of the families occupying the building, the “What are the politicians going to do for us? Fuck feel they don’t belong. We need to introduce a squatters are relying on an odd legal loophole. “The all,” says a squatter who did not wish to be identified. I Don’t you think there’s a bit more to it than that? culture without handouts and benefit checques, criminal suit presented by the bank was for breaking ask him where he’s planning to move after the eviction, After the riots, earnest blacks sent me emails because that encourages the separatism. and entering,” he says. “Seeing as none of the people and he replies, “Well, it’s not like Spain’s at a loss for here now have been identified as having entered the empty buildings.”

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UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 50 11-11-29 1:06 PM UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 51 11-11-30 9:35 AM It seems, though, that legislation recently proposed by BTK was a step too far. The proposal, which was TURKEY ALMOST LOST to go into effect on August 22, required internet service providers to offer four mandatory filters, from which ITS INTERNET consumers could choose: “family”, “child”, “domestic”, and “standard”. BTK would determine what So People Took to the Streets to Ensure falls into each classification, using its elastic standards It Didn’t Go Anywhere of morality. Additionally, BTK drew up a list of 138 words no longer allowed in domain names, which was massive LOLs because it included words like baldiz BY ESRA GÜRMEN or years the Turkish Information and Communications (which translates to “sister-in-law”), Adrianne, which Technologies Authority (BTK) has tried to pre- probably refers to sexy women in general, the word ILLUSTRATION BY Fvent its citizens from watching Drake videos on forbidden itself, as well as chubby, breath, story and SAM TAYLOR YouTube. This year they upped the ante, flagging 138 nubile. The most ridiculous was the proposed ban of the words—including blonde and gay—to be banned from name Haydar, a popular first name in the region that use in domain names and drafted a law that would re- in rural Anatolia doubles as slang for “penis”. It’s the quire stricter filtration of content, inspiring Turkey’s equivalent of trying to ban URLs that include the names young creative classes to protest and wave banners with Dick, Fanny or Willy. slogans about shoving modems up bums. Thousands of people took to the streets with banners The demonstration took place on May 15, with bearing slogans like “YES WE BAN”, “DON’T MESS WITH approximately 50,000 Turkish citizens taking to the MY LINKS”, “DON’T TOUCH MY INTERNET, TOUCH MY PENIS streets in protest. It was yet another battle in Turkey’s INSTEAD”, and “ANNA NICOLE SMITH WOULD HAVE BEEN seemingly endless censorship war. In March 2007, SAD TO SEE THIS”. Of course, many sported Guy Fawkes YouTube was blocked for hosting videos that attacked masks. There were no acts of violence but thousands Atatürk, the founder of the Turkish Republic (the ban chanted creative insults aimed at Turkish officials, most has been intermittently enforced ever since). Among the of which followed the tune of popular Turkish football 15,000 websites occasionally blacklisted by the vacil- chants but with alternative lyrics like “shove your inter- lating Turkish government were Blogspot, Last.fm, net-less modem up your ass.” Anti-corruption crusader Anna Hazare is so beloved in India people put his face on sticks and wave them around. MySpace and that of famous atheist Richard Dawkins. The march garnered widespread local and international media coverage, leading the BTK to postpone the legislation’s introduction until November 22, 2011 seems more likely to succeed than past efforts. The (around the time this issue went to press). The new STAY HUNGRY AND UPDATE Congress-led government of Manmohan Singh has plan is to have only two filters: “family” and “chil- been in a tailspin ever since Hazare’s “India Against dren”, and let those who do not want filtering to opt Corruption” movement began in January. out. Who knows what’ll happen between then and the YOUR STATUS FREQUENTLY Shivendra Chauhan, the 34-year-old guru respon- time you read this article, but we guarantee it will be sible for much of the movement’s online presence, both hilarious and troubling. Can Fasting and Facebook Create Change in India? believes in the cause so much he took a leave of absence from his day job as a journalist to focus on his unpaid social-media role. “We’ve struck a chord with people BY REBECCA BYERLY t’s easy to compare Anna Hazare, perhaps India’s most who are fed up with corruption,” he says. “From the famous activist, to Mahatma Gandhi. Like Gandhi’s, flaws and embarrassment of the 2010 Commonwealth IHazare’s wardrobe consists of homespun cotton dho- Games, to the 2G spectrum scam, which is said to have tis, spectacles and sandals. He also engages in public cost an estimated £24 billion in graft, to inflation on hunger strikes and one-man protests, such as refusing to basic commodities like petrol and onions.” leave his jail cell for extended periods. But there’s one im- The movement’s Facebook page has half a million portant difference: As Hazare engages in traditional civil followers, which sounds like a lot until you consider disobedience, his media guru busily posts updates about that India has a population of 1.2 billion. But Chauhan Hazare’s status to his Facebook page. says numbers aren’t important. This powerful combination of 20th- and 21st-century “It’s about what you do with those numbers and activism has caught on among Indians, who have the quality of people you get that really makes a differ- recently been organising in huge numbers to protest ence,” he explains. “The middle-class people play the against what they call the massive and stifling corrup- most crucial role because they have to. The poor people tion strangling the country. don’t have access or time for social movements, and the Hazare’s latest action was a 19-day vow of silence upper class are just not bothered.” that he broke by declaring his intention to run in India’s Vikram Sharma, a real estate agent in New Delhi, is upcoming state-assembly elections if the Jan Lokpal one of those middle-class people, and he has high hopes Bill—anticorruption legislation that would create the for Hazare.“If the Anna Hazare movement is successful, position of an independent “ombudsman” department it will change the living standards of people like me,” he to investigate government wrongdoing—didn’t pass says. “Today, if you want to get anything done in deal- during parliament’s winter session. Activists have been ing with a government department, it is a living hell. We trying to get something resembling the Jan Lokpal Bill have to bribe for each and every thing. All these things

through the legislature for decades, but this campaign stop small entrepreneurs like myself from growing.” AP Photo/Ajit Solanki

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On November 17, a day after the NYPD evicted Occupiers from Zuccotti, protesters turned Lower Manhattan into a Pennywise music video. It was pretty awesome.

The entire ordeal is a photographer’s dream come FALLING IN LOVE true. If you’ve got a camera, Occupiers love you— every time an arrest or a beat down happens, hundreds of protesters yell, “Shame, shame, shame” or “G et a WITH OCCUPY photographer over here.” However, when shooting without an official city-issued press pass, you have to Is Pretty Easy If You Like Taking Photos be real careful not to end up in those inhumanely tight and Hate Cops zip ties (a kind of handcuff) or cracked in the head with a baton. I tried my best to float in and out of hairy situations and avoid pissing off the cops. One WORDS AND ccupy Wall Street changes every day. In the two time, when things were getting physical between the PHOTOS BY months I’ve been going down there, I’ve begun protesters and the police, I had the impulse to run into TAJI AMEEN Oto recognise the regulars—the old headphone- the centre of the park for a shot, but an older protester wearing pro-communism guy with the Chinese newspa- grabbed my arm and told me to stand back. It was pers, the British guy with the cowboy hat—but the vibe good advice, because moments later, I saw one of my was always different. I’ve seen the protests go from a friends get manhandled and zip-tied. contained group of sign holders to a temporary squat You can only see so much stuff like that before you and eventually to an overcrowded tent city. find yourself firmly on the side of the Occupiers. Sure, At first, I didn’t feel the desire to compete with lots of them are there to advance their own crazy causes, the journalists, live streams, tourists and hundreds of but you can’t help but feel a certain togetherness, that assholes with SLRs. Then a few of my friends began they’re making some kind of positive difference in the camping out in Zuccotti Park, the police started rough- world. Occupy Wall Street is the most genuinely revolu- ing people up and pretty soon all I wanted to do was tionary movement I’ve ever seen, and I’m proud to help hang out and get a contact high off these idealistic kids. document it.

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UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 54 11-11-29 1:06 PM UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 55 11-11-29 1:06 PM and political oppression it’d spark political awakening even in the worst kind of glassy-eyed The Only Way Is Essex fan. Not surprisingly, there’s been some controversy over Stéphane’s pamphlet, but we’re sure he can handle it. When we spoke to him recently, he sounded as robust and clever as ever.

VICE: Why do you think you’ve been criticised for inciting “indignation for indignation’s sake” and con- doning violence? Stéphane Hessel: People who don’t go beyond reading the title tend to interpret it in the wrong way. I agree, indignation for indignation’s sake would lead nowhere. Indignation must have an outcome, and the outcome must be an engagement, a taking on of responsibility, which then leads you to action.

Is it OK to get angry in the sense of going out on the streets and smashing things, like the August riots in London? That was something very specific: a matter of culture clashes and people not being recognised in the way they want to be recognised. In the suburbs of our large cities those issues are important, but they shouldn’t be economic system. Any reforms suggested in the future confused with the general movement of the indignant, WHAT’S UP, OCCUPY LONDON? will help to meet those goals. The movement is only which is a nonviolent fight against the financial powers. in its infancy, and we have a long process ahead of Maybe Its Spokesperson Can Tell Us us in creating a global democratic movement. Every How does one fight such an enemy? Occupy camp around the world has its own general It is more difficult to fight a vague enemy like the assembly that anyone, not just people in the camps, financial powers than it is to fight a foreign army that BY MILÈNE LARSSON ne of the Occupy movement’s London branches, can participate in and speak their minds. That’s how is occupying your territory. But it’s just as important. camped outside St Paul’s Cathedral, recently re- all our decisions are made, through Athenian-style It’s a fight that can be waged by mobilising ordinary PHOTO BY O moved a widely photographed protest banner that direct democracy. people with electoral power and making them aware HENRY LANGSTON read “CAPITALISM IS CRISIS” and replaced it with another that things can be changed and must be changed. The declaring “REAL DEMOCRACY NOW”. This seemed like So every single Occupy supporter in the world is given problems we face today are just as dangerous as the quite the ideological shift for a movement frequently the chance to speak his or her mind before the move- fascist, Stalinist and other big movements, which were criticised for not having a clear purpose. So we tracked ment can make a decision? That sounds like a very overcome by mobilising civic resistance. down Spyro Van Leemnen, a spokesperson for one of slow process. the Occupy’s media working groups (aka the PR guy) to Yes. We’re aware that it will take a while to reach a I take it you support the Occupy movement? ask him what was going on. consensus. In the future it will hopefully be streamlined Yes! Important values, such as fighting social injustice and able to include more people with the help of new and the preservation of the planet, are not being met by VICE: What happened to the pink and green “CAPITAL- technologies. For now, however, time-consuming local our governments; therefore, it is time for us to protest. ISM IS CRISIS” sign? general assemblies, whose decisions are then forwarded Spyro Van Leemnen: We decided to take it down. People to the global outreach group responsible for the inter- What would you tell young people who feel the world is preaching their personal anticapitalist agenda, allowing communication between the general assemblies around fucked no matter what they do? the media to potentially judge the whole Occupy move- the world, are the only available ways of practising Well, my first message is that if you open your eyes, ment by it, doesn’t help our cause. Occupy, as a whole, direct democracy. you will find something that is unacceptable and is neither anti- nor pro-capitalist. Acknowledging that then be shaken out of your indifference. You will get there are fundamental problems with the economy Do you ever feel disheartened when you think about MAD AS HELL worried, as you should be, and feel that you should doesn’t make you anticapitalist or a communist; it just the number of supporters required for the movement to do something about it. It is not impossible even for makes you someone who wants to start a discussion actually gain momentum? A 94-Year-Old French Resistance Fighter smaller groups to become efficient if they are deter- about how to make things better and work towards If we didn’t believe something could come out of this mined. Indifference has always existed. Even during finding an alternative. we wouldn’t be out protesting every day. I read an Tells the Youth to Get Involved the Second World War, for instance, the Resistance interview with an activist in Egypt who said that, at in France was a small minority. But the small minor- What sort of alternative? first, no more than 60 people showed up at Tahrir BY MILÈNE LARSSON ince its publication in October 2010, Stéphane ity was finally accepted as the necessary guide to the Many people find it easier to picture the apocalypse than Square to protest against Mubarak. Eventually, an Hessel’s manifesto Time for Outrage! has sold future. If things are allowed to go on the way they are the end of capitalism as it looks today. Occupy aims to estimated 2 million people joined in and the govern- PORTRAIT Ssomewhere in the vicinity of 3 million copies and now, in about 20 years, it won’t be possible to live on completely reform the current political systems. It’s a ment was overthrown. I think it is more utopian to COURTESY OF been translated into 40 different languages, which is this planet anymore. social experiment about creating democracy from the think things can continue the way they are. With rising LA VOIX DE L’ENFANT pretty remarkable for a thin political pamphlet written bottom up. We have goals, rather than demands. unemployment, family homes being repossessed and by a 94-year-old. Then again, Stéphane isn’t an ordi- Do you believe the world could change for the better? tougher austerity measures—all while trillions of our nary 94-year-old—he’s a genuine hero of the French Not only is it possible, it is certain and necessary. We And those goals are? tax money are being poured into bailouts—you don’t Resistance who survived two concentration camps and live in a world that needs a radical transformation. Social and economic equality, a democratic system need to be an economist to realise that something is took part in drafting the UN’s Universal Declaration When that need is felt all over the world, it’s sure to independent of commercial and private interests that fundamentally wrong with the existing financial and of Human Rights. Time for Outrage! so captivatingly happen. I only hope it will happen soon because we’ve represents the interests of the public, and a sustainable political systems. expresses discontent with the past decades of financial already lost a decade.

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Mobile phone photos of one of the 11 (and counting) Tibetans who have incinerated themselves in 2011.

“They told me I should be thankful how beautiful I was. GUNS AND ROSES They were dead serious about how cute my ass was… a whole set of events across the Middle East, and the fucking thanks to my army-issued short-shorts.” international community responded because it’s an oil- Afghan Gays Are the Gayest Gays of Them All By many accounts, there’s a tradition of casual homo- FLAME ON! rich region. Tibet, on the surface, looks like it doesn’t sexuality within the ANA, one surprisingly unrestrained have much to offer the West, and people are ignoring it. by a strict Islamic code forbidding a limp-wristed life- It’s Been a Banner Year for Self-Immolation in Tibet BY BEN MAKUCH s the Taliban is enjoying something of a resurgence style. Mike Luongo, editor of the collection Gay Travels How did this self-immolation movement—if we can call in Afghanistan, foreign armies are hightailing it in the Muslim World, told me that he once ventured BY BRUNO BAYLEY ith the Arab Spring and the Occupy movement it that—start? Aout of the country faster than ever. The Canadians into suburban Kabul in 2004 for a cruising party where getting all the retweets and Facebook “likes” The first self-immolation was a 20-year-old guy called pulled out this summer, Sweden is scheduled to leave all the guys in attendance had served in the ANA and PHOTOS COURTESY OF Wof late, it’s easy to forget that Tibet was once Phuntsog. He self-immolated on the third anniversary in 2014, and ever since early November, when a rogue bragged about their exploits killing Taliban. According FREETIBET.ORG the cause du jour, attracting the attention of celebri- of a protest in his town in Sichuan province, during Afghan National Army (ANA) soldier opened fire on to Luongo, not only has homosexuality in Afghanistan ties like Richard Gere and the Beastie Boys. And while which Chinese security forces opened fire and killed Australian troops, the Aussies have been ready to roll never been stigmatised as in the West, but the very idea the mainstream press now largely ignores the plight of civilians. Some of the subsequent self-immolations have out too. When the US finally exits, it will leave the ANA of being queer doesn’t really exist. Instead, it’s some- the Dalai Lama and his fellow countrymen, the region tried to repeat what the others have done. For instance, to assume full control of the country, a fact that has thing guys do to relieve the sexual frustrations endemic remains firmly under China’s thumb. But things have during the last self-immolation the nun went to exactly NATO shitting bricks bigger than the hash slabs ANA in a repressive Islamic state. Mainly, though, especially been steadily—and quite literally—heating up since the same place and self-immolated at the same time of use to steel themselves through firefights. in Kandahar Province, where a tradition of homosexu- Free Tibet bumper stickers went out of style. day as the other monks from her town. Many of the But the party doesn’t stop here: aside from widely ality exists among the ethnic Pashtun, gaying around Tibetans have become so desperate for autonomy monks have cried out either “Freedom for Tibet!” or reported drug abuse and the ANA’s infiltration by seems to be the sexual alternative for men who fear the that they’ve taken to setting themselves on fire. So far “Tibetan independence!” before self-immolating. Taliban double agents, ANA soldiers are also fond of risk of being caught balls deep in an unmarried girl. this year, 11 Tibetans have self-immolated, all of them dressing up like pretty little ladies and butt-fucking one This is a land where vaginas can kill you. “Sleeping with Buddhist nuns, monks or ex-monks. We contacted Do you believe that the multitude of protests and upris- another. One Canadian infantryman I spoke with was a woman can end up with a very costly honour killing,” Stephanie Brigden, director of the Free Tibet campaign, ings around the world this year have influenced this jarringly candid about his experience serving along- Luongo says. “There is a saying in Afghanistan: ‘Men to find out more about burning yourself alive in the recent wave of self-immolation? side them, and said, “Honestly, Afghan men will fuck cost gold, women cost your life.’” name of protest. There were widespread protests in Tibet in 2008, and anything. To them sucking cock is nothing. It’s like I spoke with a member of the deposed Afghan these were the beginnings of what we think is going to smoking pot.” r oyal family and powerful Mohammadzai clan, who VICE: Is there a particular reason so many Tibetans be an escalation of protests that may spread across the Since the 2001 invasion of Afghanistan, NATO explained, “In brotherhoods like the ANA, it’s a matter have self-immolated this year? region. What has been different between this and the troops have reported the curious effeminate tenden- of hospitality. Satisfying your brother’s sexual needs, Stephanie Brigden: I think what is important to remem- previous protests in Tibet is that Tibetans are really con- cies of their “really friendly” ANA allies. Complaints like a blowjob or sex, is a means of relieving his stress ber is that self-immolations are practically unprecedented scious of getting striking images to the outside world. I vary from reinforcements consisting of a platoon full of so he can be a better fighter.” in Tibet. There was one in 2009, but prior to that there also think you shouldn’t underestimate that China is drag queens to walking in on “Man-Love Thursdays”, Whatever these bizarre gay encounters are, ass- has never been a history of self-immolations. The Tibet doing everything in its capacity to stop this, from shut- weekly gay-sex parties in the barracks where the fresh- spelunking Afghan soldiers might just be onto some movement is probably the most famous nonviolent pro- ting down internet cafés to restricting telephone lines. est recruit is essentially dolled up to be the centrepiece next-level warrior shit. Luongo put it best at the end of test movement in the world, and we’ve now come to a More frighteningly, they are arresting people and creat- of a gang bang. our conversation: “If you look at the Afghan people, point where the situation has become so desperate that ing a climate of intimidation. But frankly, I think people Catcalling is rampant. After manning howitzers all nobody has ever defeated them and men have been people would choose to take their own lives. I think now feel that if they haven’t got the courage to give day, a Canadian artillery gunner who served in the having sex with one another for thousands of years that’s quite interesting when you compare that with the up their lives, they can at least risk imprisonment and Panjway District would walk around the base shirtless there. We may have gotten bin Laden, but nobody situation in the Middle East, where you had a young probably torture to ensure that their message reaches amid the whistles and wandering eyes of ANA soldiers. wins in Afghanistan.” man who self-immolated in Tunisia. That triggered the masses.

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UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 58 11-11-29 1:06 PM UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 59 11-11-29 1:06 PM ecently VICE stumbled on a Facebook page in YOU GOTTA FIGHT Singapore promoting something called “Cook Rand Share a Pot of Curry Day”. Details of the event called for “every Singapore citizen or true- FOR YOUR RIGHT blooded natives to COOK a pot of curry… let the aroma-therapy of CURRIES permeate the whole na- To Cuuuuuuuuuuuu-ray! tion!! SHOW them we will not be coerced and DUN COME and bully our Indian Malay, Eurasian or Per- BY ANNIE CARROL anakan friends! Roar!” It left us both confused and hungry for some palak paneer. Digging a bit deeper, we discovered that the event is related to the spiciest curry-related kerfuffle in history. Dumbfounded, we contacted Straits Times reporter Tessa Wong, who criticised Curry Day in a blog post, to find out what it was all about and why nearly 60,000 Singaporeans wanted to get involved.

VICE: What’s this Curry Day all about, because it sounds deeeelicious. Tessa Wong: In the early to middle 2000s, Singapore experienced a significant influx of foreign workers. The government allowed this because it said it was necessary to plug up labour shortages in certain industries, and also so that the economy could remain competitive. Foreigners coming to Singapore to work is nothing new, but this time it happened so rapidly and people felt the squeeze more acutely—in areas The scorched interior of a Papa John’s franchise in Lake City, Florida. Surprisingly, the arson had nothing to do with the quality of their pizza. like public transport, housing and jobs. There was a feeling also that foreign workers come in to earn money, but they can leave anytime they feel like or Sean was sick of seeing the Papa John’s trucks driving when the going gets tough. PIZZA WARS by his store, where business wasn’t going so well. Bryan told police that he and Bryan believed sales at How do you explain the popularity of the campaign? The Tale of Two Floridians Who Torched their Domino’s chain would improve if their competition I think there was some frustration and resentment down the street was no longer smearing slop on crusty regarding foreigners [coming into the country], so the a Papa John’s bread and selling it to people. Their motive? A bonus of campaign really tapped into that groundswell of feel- a few hundred dollars, split between the two of them, if ing. It also caught on because it was a simple idea and BY BILL BRYSON lorida is synonymous with “crazy weird shit”. This they could move a few more pies out the door. appealed to Singaporeans on a very basic emotional is probably because it’s a place where people go to After hatching their Nobel Prize-worthy plot, the level. We are a nation of foodies after all, and we take PHOTO BY Fescape the rigours of being a bipedal human forced pair built a few incendiary devices using a kitchen clock, pride in our cuisine as a national symbol. Finally, DALE GUNNOE to pay attention to boring things like traffic lights and a nine-volt battery and a sandwich baggie containing we’re a small country and quite a wired nation. I the weather. But inside this cerebral palsy-ravaged ap- a small amount of gunpowder. After failing to ignite think close to 100 percent of us have internet access pendage of the United States, there are intense pockets the Papa John’s with one of these makeshift bombs, at home and many are on Facebook [a recent study of ugliness that make one wonder if the entire peninsula they resorted to using an accelerant to set the build- showed that Singaporeans, on average, spend more is powered by Hee Haw reruns. ing ablaze, burning Bryan’s arms in the process. They time on the social-networking site than any country Take Lake City, which lies about 50 miles west also told a few people about their plans, a strategy that in the world], so news of the campaign spread fast. of Jacksonville and proudly proclaims itself the proved helpful to the police, who quickly arrested them “Gateway to Florida”. Its freeway exit features a gigan- on felony arson charges. You gotta love a good bowl of massaman. tic Confederate flag, assuring visitors of the stand-up As of late November, the Papa John’s store is still I do like curry. It’s one of my favourite dishes, actu- people they are about to encounter. And it’s also where scorched and gutted, but it’s pretty clear that the would-be ally, but I didn’t like what I saw as xenophobic (celebrity alert!) serial killer Ted Bundy murdered his arsonists had no idea how to properly destroy a building. overtones in the original description of the event. It final victim, 12-year-old Kimberly Leach. When I stopped by the Domino’s where Sean and was too aggressive, which is ironic because it was Of course, Lake City wouldn’t be such a great place Bryan worked, it was empty of customers and the premised on annoying foreigners rather than getting to live if its residents didn’t constantly strive to outdo phones were quiet, despite the elimination of their com- them to appreciate our culture. The organisers later themselves, and they did just that in late October, petitor. Even if they had gotten away with the crime, changed their tune to a more positive, inclusive one, when Domino’s Pizza store managers Sean Everett chances are they wouldn’t have scored that bonus. which I appreciated. Davidson, 23, and Bryan David Sullivan, 21, allegedly “Sullivan had been working for the company since burned down the competition: a Papa John’s franchise he was 16, and it was the only job he’ d ever had,” one What’s the best curry in Singapore? across town. of Bryan’s former colleagues told me. “He’s never been There are so many different types of curries in Singapore, According to published reports, Sean recruited Bryan in trouble before. We do background checks on all the but the one I like best is the butter curry at Chutney to torch their shitty-pizza rival (several blocks away, on employees, but you can never tell when someone will do

Mary’s on East Coast Road. It’s really tasty! ©iStockphoto.com/travellinglight a fast-food-covered nightmare stretch of US-90) because something stupid.”

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because my six-year-old-self version of “God” totally WHAT I LEARNED IN resembles my own father. (Note that he is wearing nothing but socks and a pair of white boxers.) There’s something weird about worshipping a dead, naked, CATHOLIC SCHOOL grown-ass man with a beard, but also sort of… hot? Via a Series of Weird Childhood Drawings LESSON # 3 – EVERYONE SUCKS (Age 10) WORDS AND n primary school the kids in my religion class asked This year my “Easter lesson” largely focused on the cru- ILLUSTRATIONS BY questions like, “How is Jesus God if God is God?” and cifixion of Jesus. I guess the pastor or whoever set the KARA CRABB I“How is God Jesus’s dad if Joseph is Jesus’s dad?” At curriculum for the dioceses figured we were old enough which point the teachers would smile and tell us not to to learn about death and sin. We were told that: (1) We worry about it. If they were honest, they’d admit that lie all of the time, because (2) It’s impossible to be truthful an institution. We’re talking about 1 billion euros a logical explanations would never be forthcoming. like God, so (3) We are all sinners, and (4) Jesus sacri- HOLY TAX EVASION year earned this way. In my earliest years, I understood Catholicism to ficed himself for our sins, thus we should be thankful to be about accepting an odd cross-section of dogmatic him. Looking back, it sounds like a bum-fucking-deal all If Adele Has to Pay, God Should Too And that’s just direct income. How much do they save beliefs rather than examining spirituality. I distinctly around. Yet I still agree with the belief that every human via tax exemptions? remember trying to wrap my head around the concept being on this planet is a turd with a face. According to the law, the church isn’t bound to pay of “faith”, and this is probably because kids have noth- BY CHIARA GALEAZZI taly is experiencing what is perhaps its worst economic taxes on its properties—which amount to an incred- ing but faith; they’ll believe just about anything. It’s LESSON # 4 – GET AIDS (Age 8) crisis in history. People are already saying it’s going to ible 20 percent of all Italian real estate—unless they when you grow into an adult that you begin to won- My sex education took place in RE, which meant I ILLUSTRATION BY Ibe the next Greece, which is pretty much the worst in- are used for “strictly commercial” purposes. “Strictly” der if everything you’ve ever known is bullshit. You was most likely taught about the birds and bees by a TUONO PETTINATO sult you can throw at a country these days. Italians have means that building a chapel inside a hotel is enough to can exacerbate this inner turmoil by reviewing religious befrocked deviant who dreamt of worming his fingers always been lax when it comes to paying taxes, and the avoid paying taxes. Moreover, the Italian government drawings you made as a child, which I’ve done here so up little boys’ arses, or a nun with a stapled-shut vagina. situation got so bad that Archbishop Bagnasco, the coun- provides funds for Catholic clinics, even if they’re pri- you don’t have to go through the psychological misery I can’t remember which. Anyhoo, every year we had to try’s highest-ranking bishop, got up before the country vate and there are hundreds of instances of undeclared of doing it yourself. read a textbook called Fully Alive, the cover of which and declared that paying taxes is every good Catholic’s rent for buildings owned by the church. featured happy married couples looking like they’d God-given duty. That’s a nice thing to say, but it’s may- LESSON # 1 – FUCK SCHOOL (Age 6) never rubbed their moist genitals together in their lives. be a wee bit hypocritical, considering that the Catholic So the goal of Vaticano Paga Tu is to get rid of all these Studying this little booklet, The Glorious Mysteries, In my last year of primary school, I remember reading Church doesn’t pay taxes. Some folks have been asking— exemptions? I learned there were magical people named Jesus and a part of the book that specifically explained why God nicely—that Italy’s oldest and most well-off institution No, it’s right that places of worship and charities don’t Mary who died but didn’t really die, but went on to live forbade condoms and the pill: because killing sperm start pitching in, including the organisation Vaticano have to pay taxes. But there’s a huge amount of income forever. After all that nonsense, Mary was “crowned as was like killing babies—a pre-abortion, if you will. Paga Tu (Vatican, You Pay), which has been recently resulting from government funds and exemptions that is our queen”. Whatever you say! Also, I’m not sure why, And, duh, abortion is equivalent to genocide, so anyone gaining traction among Italians. We asked Alessandro not reinvested transparently. but in this book the Holy Ghost decided to take the who used birth control was basically a murderer. Orlowski, the man behind Vaticano Paga Tu, to explain form of a duck. the situation to us. Are there any particularly questionable examples of the LESSON # 5 – KILL YOURSELF (Age 8) government giving the church money? LESSON # 2 – FUCK DAD (Age 6) Every day we were reminded that heaven rules and VICE: How does the Catholic Church earn money? For example, Monsignor Bagnasco was a priest in the This masterpiece is a reference to Romans 8:15, if sinning drools. Using inductive reasoning, one could Alessandro Orlowski: The Catholic Church’s main army, which means he was an archbishop in the army that means anything to you. Apparently there’s a conclude that because we are all sinners, and just about source of income is private offerings and the “8 x 1000”, church, with the corresponding rank of general. As passionate debate about whether Abba was actu- everything we do is some sort of manifestation of evil, an income tax of 0.8 percent that every citizen can such, he earned £6,200 a month and now that he’s ally the Aramaic word for Daddy, or if the Apostle the afterlife must be totally, without a doubt, fucking choose to devote to the state, the church or one of four retired he gets £3,500 every month. Paul (the author of the epistle) was a really early fan amazing. Therefore death is the best thing anyone could other religious denominations. The problem is that if of the grooviest Swedish pop juggernaut the world ever hope for, so you might as well get it over with. you don’t identify which institution you’re giving your Sum up what you’re proposing in one sentence. has ever known. Regardless, my drawing makes per- That’s why I drew St Joan of Arc—a cool lady who money to, it’s automatically assigned to the Catholic That we simply apply one of the founding principles of fect sense if you think about it: God, Father, Daddy, didn’t give a fuck about dying but did care a whole lot Church. And 60 percent of the people do not identify our constitution: the separation of church and state. Abba. I must have thought they were all synonymous, about G-O-D.

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UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 62 11-11-29 1:06 PM UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 63 11-11-29 1:06 PM Two men performing their midday dhuhr prayer, most likely on a lunch break from work.

Those who get crucified say they do it to repent, thank God or ask Him a favour. We’ll pass. offender. Less than a month after the Lower Manhattan OPEN FOR BUSINESS Community Board 1 approved the community centre, it was primarily SOIA and opportunistic politicians who What goes through your head immediately before the A Visit to the Ground Zero “Mega-Mosque” turned the “Ground Zero Mosque” into a prime-time- GETTING NAILED nails are driven into you? television target for half-witted talking heads. I feel nervous for a whole month before, even after 25 years SIOA cofounder Pamela Geller explained her position This Guy Has Been Crucified 25 Times of doing it. I feel pain in my hands almost a month before. BY WILBERT L. COOPER here’s nowhere for an infidel to hide in Park51, the to me via email: “This would be a triumphal mosque, like site two blocks from Ground Zero where devel- the Dome of the Rock and others that mark jihad victo- How do you deal with the pain? PHOTO BY T oper Sharif El-Gamal plans to build his infamous ries.” Park51, she fretted, is engaged in nonviolent “stealth BY GREG PIKE or 50 years, people in the tiny Philippine village I close my eyes and pray to Jesus that nothing will stop NOAH RABINOWITZ “mega-mosque”. Last year it was one of those issues jihad”, helping Muslims gain “special treatment” from of Cutud have celebrated Good Friday by driving me. If I see the people, I cannot pray. the media—and people who think Islam is a synonym government and spread Islamic law in the US. Fseven-inch nails through the hands and feet of a few for “terrorism”—couldn’t stop yakking about. Then, Sitting in a circle with these Muslims, as they nibble volunteers in a gory reenactment of Jesus’s crucifixion. What’s the recovery process like? earlier this year, the entire world was roiled b y protest, on soft chocolate-chip cookies and try not to glance at The original version of the region’s annual passion play I do nothing; just heal. They have a first-aid person who and everyone seemed to forget about the controversy their blinking BlackBerrys, makes me fairly certain that didn’t include an actual crucifixion. But in 1962, a local cleans up the blood and stuff like that, and they give me surrounding the “prayer space”. Geller is a hyperbolic clown. These people—some black, faith healer playing the role of Jesus decided, for the medicine, like antibiotics. But I don’t do anything. In November, I decided to visit Park51; specifically some Arab and one Asian—aren’t trying to push Islam sake of realism, to have nails driven through his hands a cavernous room that will serve as a humble prayer on anyone; they’re trying to maintain their religious and feet. Every year since, a handful of devout actors But your livelihood depends on your hands. How long does space until Gamal’s £65 million, 15-storey Muslim identity while being immersed in American culture. are crucified for ten minutes while hundreds of others it take you before you get back to work as a sign painter? community centre is fully realised (Gamal refused com- That Geller’s delusions found an audience suggests whip themselves. In the 80s and early 90s, foreigners About five days. Maybe a week. ment for this piece). There are only eight people inside, that Islamophobia still haunts this country, ten years were invited to participate in the ritual. Then, in 1996, yet I still stick out like a piece of bacon. My face is inca- and two wars after the Twin Towers were destroyed. Japanese S&M porno actor Shinichiro Kaneko tricked And how long do you plan on continuing with these pable of growing anything past peach fuzz, and given By the end of the summer, a CNN opinion poll found locals into crucifying him by claiming his brother was crucifixions? the outrage directed towards the project, its members that 70 percent of Americans opposed the mosque. dying of cancer, filming it for one of his freaky jerk My last year will be 2013. I must do my penitence for are wary of curious strangers. On the ninth anniversary of 9/11, the issue reached its flicks. The crucifixions of Cutud have been locals-only 27 years. Nine years for my wife, nine years for my I sit Indian-style, facing towards Mecca, while tipping point when thousands of protesters, both sup- ever since. daughter, nine years because I survived my accident. Park51 member Mohamed Nabeel lectures on how porting and opposing the mosque, converged on Lower To learn more about what it feels like to get mounted to stay out of the hellfire. Nabeel looks like Bernard Manhattan, but the issue fell to the political periphery and nailed to a cross, we talked to Ruben Enaje, a Would you recommend getting crucified? the Elf from The Santa Clause and preaches about the after the 2010 midterm elections. 50-year-old sign painter from Cutud whose way of No, because it’s against the Bible. Prophet Muhammad—peace be upon him—in a Jew-y, Fast-forward to this year’s tenth anniversary of 9/11: thanking God for allowing him to survive a three-storey Larry David cadence. Unsurprisingly, Park51 isn’t the The “Ground Zero Mosque” was barely mentioned. But fall has been to get crucified 25 times (and counting) So then why do you do it? Al-Qaeda “victory mosque” it’s been cracked up to be. Hajer Naili, a Tunisian reporter who prays at Park51, over the years, which has to be some kind of record. When I was first crucified, I didn’t know it was against the Its ceilings are low, its carpet duct-taped together. thinks the calm won’t last for long. “Unfortunately, there Bible. But I have to finish what I started. I have to do peni- It’s a far cry from Gamal’s vision, originally dubbed are many ignorant people who have wrong ideas about VICE: How does it feel to get crucified? tence for 27 years. If I don’t, I won’t have paid my dues. the Cordoba House, which includes a pool, culinary Islam. People have been quiet about Park51 lately. But it’s Ruben Enaje: After the first time, you get scars on your school and bookshop. It also makes me think its detrac- not over. The time is going to come again when we will hands. These scars are opened the second time, and you What do your friends say about it? tors are largely full of shit, with fringe group Stop have to discuss what this Islamic centre is going to look

feel the pain. Then it gets worse. They say it’s very beautiful. REUTERS/Erik de Castro Islamisation of America (SIOA) perhaps the worst like. Then we will have more issues to deal with.”

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UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 64 11-11-29 1:06 PM UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 65 11-11-29 1:06 PM Those in Pomio who are opposed to the project have been using tactics like roadblocks and protests to LOGS DON’T LIE express their frustrations and have recently been accused Agro-Corporations Are Pillaging Papua New Guinea of assaulting plantation workers. In late October, a squad of policemen flew into the village. According to Greenpeace, the cops were visibly drunk, whipping BY HANNAH BROOKS apua New Guinea is currently experiencing what passersby with fan belts and tree branches while lock- may be the most brazenly illegal land grab since its ing others in shipping containers. Pomio assistant police PHOTO BY IAN BOOTH Pcolonial days. Foreign corporations—specifically, commissioner Anton Billy confirmed that Rimbunan logging companies—are allegedly falsifying signatures, Hijau paid for the police’s flights and expenses, which, paying off police and lying to the government about in an interview with Australia’s Australian Broadcasting their intentions to cut down every tree in the country. Corporation (ABC), he acknowledged is standard prac- Almost all of PNG is held under customary title, tice in the region. meaning that the land is owned by indigenous peoples Liam Fox, an ABC correspondent familiar with the and is administered in accordance with their local cus- situation, said that while payments by corporations to toms. The government recently introduced a system police is common, “it raises all kinds of issues. How of Special Agricultural and Business Leases (SABLs) can police be objective and unbiased when they’re being designed to economically empower communities by paid by a logging company?” He added that Gilford’s allowing them to lease portions of their land to the claim of starting an oil-palm plantation was suspicious. government, which in turn is free to sublease it to agro- “There is a nursery up there with thousands of seed- forestry companies. Theoretically, with appropriate lings, but someone in the oil-palm industry told me that discretion and sensitivity, the situation should be win- the soil type in the area is completely wrong for oil palm win for everyone. Instead, it’s become a convenient way and that legitimate farmers wouldn’t touch this place There are two universal truths when it comes to attending church: people love dressing up for God and kids will always look excruciatingly bored and unimpressed. for the logging industry to bypass PNG’s strict environ- with a barge poll.” mental laws and destroy the forests that 80 percent of PNG’s newly appointed government, headed by Prime while constantly pulling his drooping trousers up. He Papuans rely on for food, shelter and income. Minister Peter O’Neill, seem to be addressing domestic CHRIST A-GO-GO said that if my photographer wanted to take pictures, “What it’s turned into,” says Greenpeace’s Forest and foreign concerns over the SABL system and corrup- we would have to wait for an authorisation delivered Campaign Team leader Paul Winn, “is a vast rort” (a tion. A commission of inquiry was initiated, and 75 SABLs France’s Largest African Church Is by the church committee, which would “take a month total con job, for all the non-Australians out there). are being investigated to determine if they were fraudu- or two. Or maybe three months.” The recent situation in the East New Britain district lently obtained. An embargo on new leases was lodged Inside a Slaughterhouse Unfortunately, we couldn’t wait that long, so we of Pomio is an example of how the con works. Using until the inquiry’s findings are handed down in March. shimmied to another church that apparently couldn’t SABLs, more than 109,000 acres of land have been leased That’s reason to be optimistic, but Fox isn’t cheerful about BY VALERIA very Sunday in the suburban town of Aubervilliers, afford electricity. Or perhaps they believed modern to a company called Gilford that claims to be building things: “Many of these SABLs are connected to and have COSTA-KOSTRISKY France, 2,000 worshippers flock to an abandoned lighting to be the work of Beelzebub. The sole neon bulb an oil-palm plantation. Gilford, however, is owned by been pushed along by members of parliament, who won’t Eslaughterhouse to pray. The industrial space fills cast strange shadows on an assembly of old Haitian the Malaysian logging company Rimbunan Hijau. While be moving quick ly to shut them down.” PHOTOS BY with life as about 30 different Christian congregations ladies wearing lace doilies on their heads. A preacher in some villagers support the company’s presence, hoping it Winn agrees but has faith that Greenpeace and the GUILLAUME BELVÈZE conduct an array of vibrant, perplexing holy services. a double-collared jacket alternately bellowed in Creole will bring much-needed money and infrastructure to the protesting villagers will succeed. “This issue has come Recently, officials called for the shuttering and demoli- and in French, invoking a grim time when he only had area, others claim that the land has been leased without to the fore in the media, to the point where I think tion of the building, so I decided to take part in a few a three-quarter-length pair of trousers and holes in his their consent. Winn corroborated this claim, saying that there would be very few public figures who could rea- of the extraordinarily weird ceremonies while the weird shoes. “But you freed me, Lord!” he proclaimed. “You many of the signatures on the lease belong to children, sonably come out and say that these SABLs are good ceremoniousness was still good. gave me a job. I have shoes now. Only God has the dead people and villagers who never existed. for the country.” First up: the Church of Jesus Christ on Earth by His power to deliver residence permits. For Jesus is the only Special Ambassador Simon Kimbangu (Kimbanguism SOLUTION!” After the service, the preacher confided for short), the most popular denomination in the build- in us that he would preach for any parish that would ing. Services draw about 700 people each week, most have him, and he would gladly perform another sermon of whom are from Central Africa. As its name sug- in French, especially for us. All we had to do was give gests, Kimbanguism was founded by Simon Kibangu, him some money. a Protestant pastor born in 1887, in Nkamba, Bas- Before leaving the slaughterhouse, we returned to Congo. Followers believe that Mr. Kibangu was a the first floor, where we discovered the funkiest par- prophet and miracle-maker whose feats include passing ish yet: the Congolese Peace of the Lord Church. A through prison walls like a ghost (then “making him- preacher named Didier Kuku was seriously getting self visible” to all of the inmates) and declaring that “I down, bouncing around the room in a Genesis-inspired am going to die in 15 minutes” precisely 15 minutes boogie. “Before you came into this world, God had before his death. If that’s not enough to convert you, his already talked about you,” he said. “Indeed. Before you followers claim that his corpse was perfectly preserved were inside your mother’s womb, God the Eternal had when they exhumed him eight years after his punctual already prepared promises for you. Do you understand passing. Kibanguism forbids smoking tobacco, dancing, these words? Because what’s coming will bombard you. eating chimpanzee meat and bathing in the nude. He is the one who speaks of a thing before the thing The other holy gatherings I experienced were a bit exists.” He gestured to the plastic chairs: “Today, we more casual, including the Haitian Celestial Traveller are talking about oil. Do you know what man created of the New Jerusalem Church, which had annexed a out of oil? All these plastic materials in front of you, all tiny room atop a rather steep staircase. Inside, a sparse these chairs. God wanted you to have a creative spirit flock of 15 swayed to the soothing sounds of electric inside of you, a spirit that convokes the EXISTENCE guitars and tom-toms. A few devotees pressed their of things that didn’t exist. Have you ever been sprayed? knees against their overturned plastic chairs as if they Go and tell your neighbour: have you ever been sprayed were prayer kneelers. The pastor sang with enthusiasm, BY GOD?”

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UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 66 11-11-29 1:11 PM UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 67 11-11-29 1:11 PM can’t carry out reform if you don’t cut political costs. I THE GREASIEST PALMS would lose money if they changed the public pensions system, but I do believe it is a vital operation. The only way it can be pursued without people taking to the IN THE WORLD streets is to reform parliamentarians’ retirement pensions from the inside. It’s not justiﬁ able to lower the Italian Parliament’s Pension Ponzi Scheme pensions of average workers if you don’t ﬁ rst change the one received by members of parliament. Last year, the famously disgraced Italian politician [Piero] BY GIORGIO VISCARDINI n Italy, a country on the brink of bankruptcy, it’s Marrazzo started earning a public pension at the age downright fucking silly how easy it is to secure a life- of 51. It’s ridiculous! PHOTO COURTESY OF Ilong pension from parliament. All you need to do is ANSA participate in a single legislative session—even for just What about the rule adopted in 1997? At least new one day—and you’re guaranteed a payout of some- MPs who weren’t grandfathered into the pension sys- where between £1,600 and £9,000 per month after tem can’t exploit it, right? “retirement”. Last year, Italians spent more than £178 There are lots of exceptions to the rule. The 1997 law million ensuring that former members of the Camera is a fake reform. It only applies to members of par- and Senato—the country’s legislative houses—were be- liament who are appointed post-2011. What kind of yond comfortable in their dotage. change is that? A law passed in 1997 forbade MPs from collecting these pensions until the age of 65, but it wasn’t instated So what needs to change in order to ensure this doesn’t retroactively. So “legislators” like Angelo Pezzana, Pietro continue to happen? Graveri, Luca Boneschi and Renè Andreani—each of Until right-wing voters demand more regulations, noth- whom physically spent only one day’s service in parlia- ing is going to change. The problem is that today’s ment—are now set for life. Disgusted as usual with the right-wing voters are too easy to satisfy. An injured woman is carried away from the scene of a motorcycle bomb in 2009, one of the many casualties of the insurrection in southern Thailand. absurdity of Italian politics, I turned to Gian Antonio Stella, investigative reporter and best-selling author of La It seems like blowing up Palazzo Montecitorio [a pal- Casta (The Caste, a 2007 exposé about the rampant cor- ace in Rome housing the lower chamber of parliament] 5,000 arrests and saw the Thai government accused ruption in Italian government) to try and wrap my head would be much easier. There’s nothing else that can be THE PHANTOM MASSACRE of systematic torture and unlawful killings, as well as around just how bad things have become. done on the ground level? condemnation from international humanitarian groups. You can be sure that if voters get pissed, things are going A Faceless and Motiveless Threat Ravages Amnesty’s Thailand researcher Benjamin Zawacki VICE: Parliament’s pension scandal is just one in a to change. But as long as right-wing voters keep forgiv- says the attacks are ideological and that the insurgents series of astonishing abuses of power by Italian politi- ing [recently resigned] Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, Southern Thailand are deliberately targeting civilians. “The exact figures cians. How much does something like this affect their who is capable of taking a state-owned helicopter to a and percentages of ideological versus non-ideological already terrible reputation in the eyes of the average massage appointment, things are not going to change. BY HANNAH BROOKS ince 2004, almost 5,000 people, mostly civilians, killings are of course impossible to determine with cer- Italian citizen? And I’m talking about a helicopter belonging to the have been killed in the southern provinces of Thai- tainty,” he says. “If non-ideological killings are indeed Gian Antonio Stella: Very much. The thing is, you Italian police, just to be clear. Sland in a series of bombings, shootings, arson so few, why are Thailand’s other borders—all of which attacks and decapitations carried out by Islamic insur- contain the same [criminal] elements—not as violent gents pushing for separation from the chiefly Buddhist and deadly as the deep South?” Thai state. While it’s rumoured that traditional symbols of the The conflict can be traced back to 1902, when Thai state are being increasingly targeted, the violence the central government annexed land adjacent to also appears indiscriminate, with as many Muslim the Malaysian border, areas primarily populated by casualties as Buddhist. Amnesty recently called the Muslims. Separatists were active in the 70s, but by the situation an “internal armed conflict” and said that 1990s, the situation seemed to have calmed, until the by deliberately targeting civilians, the perpetrators are, government began to decisively crack down on acts of according to international law, liable to be tried for war low-level resistance. This new hard-line stance ripped crimes. Fat chance of that happening, though. the stitches out of the old wounds, and they haven’t In an article published shortly after the release of stopped bleeding since. Amnesty’s report, University of Melbourne political According to Amnesty International, between 2004 scientist Marc Askew questioned the human rights groups’ and June of this year, there were a total of 10,890 claims, arguing that 30 to 40 percent of the deaths in the incidents of violence in the region, resulting in at least SPBs may be related to criminal activity, which is rife along 4,766 deaths and 7,808 injuries. With the country and the Thai-Malay border. Indeed, it’s a claim supported by its security forces focused on the damage from recent the Thai government, who have long linked the insurgents flooding, the past month has seen a markedly increased with the drug trade in southern Thailand. number of attacks. Theories regarding who is responsible for the violence Since 2004, the government has sent more than have varied over the years. Some have suggested it 40,000 soldiers to the southern provinces to take part could be attributable to “traditional” separatist groups in counterinsurgency operations, which has done little in the area, the rise of global jihad movements and to quell the attacks. In 2005, an “emergency law” was Al-Qaeda. Undoubtedly, the most striking aspect of introduced allowing the detainment of suspects for up the conflict is that eight years on, the attacks remain to 30 days and providing officials with immunity from a largely faceless threat. While experts, NGOs, media prosecution if they commit human rights violations in outlets and the Thai government squabble over legal the course of their duty. This legislation, widely popular terminology and percentages, people are dying, steadily

among ordinary Thais, has precipitated more than and horrifically. AP/Sumeth Pranphet

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UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 68 11-11-29 1:11 PM UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 69 11-11-29 1:11 PM TOTALITARIAN AVE. Crooked Third World Leaders Love Parisian Penthouses

BY WIEGERTJE POSTMA, ILLUSTRATION BY YVONNE ROMANO

aris’s Avenue Foch, in the 16th arrondissement, is Obiang’s son, Teodorin, is more of a New World lined with luxurious and gaudy residences owned kind of playboy. As Equatorial Guinea’s minister of for- Pby some of the worst African and Middle Eastern estry and agriculture, he owns more than £45 million despots. Denis Sassou Nguesso of Congo-Brazzaville, worth of property in the United States alone, includ- Paul Biya of Cameroon, former Gabon president Omar ing a £20 million mansion in Malibu. Oh, and let’s not Bongo and many other potentates have second homes forget the Gulfstream Jet and £1.2 million worth of here, handy places to crash after a shopping spree on Michael Jackson memorabilia (someone needs to listen the Champs-Élysées. to “Man in the Mirror” a few more times). Equatorial One might think that the French wouldn’t permit Guinea is a tiny, oil-rich country where one in five such unsavoury characters to commandeer the neigh- children die before the age of five and 70 percent of bourhood, but if you’ve got the cash, you can sign the the population lives on one pound a day. The United deed—even though the money was obtained by plun- States Department of Justice recently moved to seize his dering your starving and disease-ridden citizenry. American properties. Change, however, is tentatively afoot. Thanks to Even in France, where the government has been more a formal complaint from Transparency International hesitant to investigate the ill-gotten funds of domiciled and two other NGOs, authorities are investigating dictators and their cronies, prosecutors have begun sniff- the funds used by Bongo, Nguesso and Equatorial ing around the bank accounts of government officials Guinea’s president Teodoro Obiang to purchase their from Tunisia, Egypt, Libya and Syria. fancy flats. According to Transparency International, So, if you happen to find yourself in Paris anytime Bongo, Nguesso and Obiang have, combined, at least soon, take a little stroll along the banks of the Seine and 180 personal bank accounts, 60 upscale European enjoy the verdant greenery of Avenue Foch, inhaling properties and 18 cars worth a total of more than the historical stench of a few tyrannical shitstains who, £5 million. with any luck, will soon be wiped away for good. allowing them to weather the economic storm without BY THE NUMBERS real damage. What is wrong with the movement is that it confuses The Professor Dissents perception of what ails this nation with an understanding of the sources of its decline. It is hard to “see” the social and economic causes for social prosperity and, equally, BY RICHARD A. EPSTEIN It was perhaps unsurprising that when we asked our for social decline. It takes a theory to give some insight global network of contributors to weigh in on the to what is wrong. The OWS is bereft of theory, which PHOTO ILLUSTRATION Occupy Wall Street movement and its international when rightly understood points in the opposite direction. BY ADAM MIGNANELLI franchises, most expressed broad support of their The American economy suffers from a one-two mission of punishing bankers and spending lots of punch from which it cannot easily escape. At the bot- time sleeping outdoors. Who could possibly oppose tom lies the extensive government regulation of primary these idealistic representatives agitating, according to economic activity, chiefly in labour and real estate their chants, on behalf of the “99 percent”? A whole markets. The extensive, and ever-rising, levels of gov- lot of people, it turns out. With recent polls suggest- ernment interaction have squeezed the life out of both ing that a large percentage of Americans are sceptical these markets, and further regulation will lead to only of calls to uproot capitalism and switch to a banker- higher rates of unemployment and consistent decline free barter economy, we wondered who would be the in housing values. To increase productivity requires voice of the 45 percent (according to a recent survey repeal, not tougher enforcement of current regulatory by Public Policy Polling) with an unfavourable opinion regimes. Labour rules on unions, discrimination and of the movement. We knew that if we asked Richard minimum wage have to be scaled back, if not elimi- A. Epstein, professor at NYU Law School, fellow at nated. The refusal to allow foreclosures to proceed in Stanford University’s Hoover Institution and rock- ordinary fashion will place an enormous overhang on ribbed libertarian, we could anoint the Kalle Lasn (the real estate markets for new and used housing. Adbusters guy) of the countermovement. Epstein’s most At the macro end, it is not possible to finance an enti- recent book is Design for Liberty: Private Property, tlement system by exacting ever-larger contributions Public Administration, and the Rule of Law (Harvard from the rich. Taxes are already progressive. Capital- University Press). Buy it, lazy hippies. gains income dries up with a stagnant stock market. Wages at the top fall with a slowdown in the economy. t is very easy to see what angers the Occupy Wall Incentives to invest are dulled by high taxes. The pools Street movement and its many supporters. It is the of available venture capital wealth are diminished by Ideclining standard of living in the United States, high levies. the high rates of unemployment and the perception OWS thinks that it is possible to have massive pro- that somehow the top 1 percent have received a dis- grammes of redistribution over a shrunken productive pensation from the discharge of their real obligations, base. Th at is not possible.

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UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 70 11-11-29 1:11 PM UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 71 11-11-29 1:11 PM DOs

You know a chick is really into you when her tits piss themselves. I like how the sparkly blood and glittery black eyes make this tough guy look like he was in a boxing match with Pop Tarts.

Today’s cosmetics are truly amazing. Just a little bit of Getting a double mastectomy isn’t so bad when your I want to be wearing a pair of these sneaks while I kick concealer, a dot of blush and you can hardly even see entire body looks like one enormous tit anyway. George Lucas in the stomach over and over until he the forehead tattoo she got for Charlie. shits out Howard the Duck 2.

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UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 72 11-12-01 9:38 AM DON’Ts

The life of a papier-mâché pink-unicorn-cycle is a sad one. You spend most of your time on earth being pedalled I don’t know what’s scarier, John Carpenter’s 1978 horror around by some sandalwood-smelling fat-ass. And then when she’s done with you she just abandons you in front classic Halloween or putting Shrek ejaculate in your hair. of an East Village McDonald’s like it’s a cul de sac in Hilldale Ridge and there isn’t a gang of teenage Loisaidas waiting to détourné your ass back to glue and newspaper.

Remember the days when if people found out that you Hey ladies, you know that creep at the ofﬁ ce who’s We don’t think old people should be locked up in homes, liked Spider-Man you were immediately branded a nerd, always trying to give out free back rubs? What if I told and we usually have a lot more fun tossing back shunned from most social groups and beaten up on a you that science has ﬁ nally invented the rolling travel shots with our nana than hanging out with our regular regular basis? Can we go back to that, please? creep for the girl on the go? “friends”, but walking in on her as the meat in a Fire Island granwich is what we call a wee bit rich.

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UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 74 11-12-01 9:39 AM DOs

I wish I had this kind of escort every time I got diarrhoea. Pre-teen bedsheet Kate Bush slumber-party dress-up game is just another way of saying “best people on the dancefloor”.

All those soft, quilted toilet papers are for pussies. Try Doesn’t this guy look like the villain in a shitty 70s If only you knew the sheer rapture you feel when a wiping your ass with a paper towel. It’s rough on your comic book? “In this issue the Teen Titans face the church takes a shit on your chest. asshole and it will clog your toilet. Win-win. unholy power of Mandanna!”

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Let’s see, would I rather go to a hip burlesque show downtown tonight or would I rather stay in and google “brain rape”? Well, if there’s one takeaway from this (besides a lifetime of gagging every time we now close our eyes), it is always always always tip your tattoo artist.

Yeah, this is pretty sloppy, but imagine if you actually This picture was taken at the Gathering of the Juggalos, I don’t care which side of the political aisle you’re on, saw them fucking. It would look like he was wearing a but it’s actually a pretty common ritual at most major we can all agree on one fundamental point: Kill Yourself. white bum bag full of gerbils. music festivals. First, everyone paints their faces with clown make-up, then they pass a barrel around and everyone fills it with the last tiny shreds of dignity they may have, and then they burn that shit down.

PLATTAN BAGIS Available in Feature 3.5mm standard www.urbanears.com 78 VICE.COM TANTO & MEDIS 14 colors: microphone and remote. [email protected]

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Dior Homme suit, Ben Sherman shirt and tie, Calvin Klein socks, Rockport shoes Man suit, Dior Homme shirt, tie, and bag, Rockport shoes Westwood Vivienne

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UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 82 11-11-29 1:11 PM UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 83 11-11-29 1:11 PM Theory coat, Vivienne Westwood Man suit, Dior Homme shirt and tie Westwood Theory coat, Vivienne Dior Homme suit and tie, English Laundry shirt

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UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 84 11-11-29 1:11 PM UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 85 11-11-29 1:11 PM Dior Homme suit and tie, English Laundry shirt, Rockport shoes Dior Homme suit, Ben Sherman shirt and tie, Ray-Ban sunglasses

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UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 86 11-11-29 1:11 PM UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 87 11-11-29 1:11 PM Vivienne Westwood Man suit, Dior Homme shirt and tie; coat suit Westwood Vivienne Ben Sherman suit, English Laundry shirt, Dior Homme tie, Rockport shoes

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UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 88 11-11-29 1:11 PM UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 89 11-11-29 1:11 PM These photos are taken from Paolo Gasparini’s masterpiece Para Verte Mejor, América Latina, a RAGE RECEPTACLE harrowing documentation of social injustices in Latin America, such as Martin Parr’s ‘Protest Box’ Puts Things into Perspective indigenous peoples forced into menial labour and factory jobs. It was first released in 1972 by the Mexican publisher Siglo PHOTOS BY Looking back, it may seem like 2011 was unilaterally defined by protests, riots, uprisings and XXI Editores. DIRK ALVERMANN, general discontent the world over. It is important to note, however, that this perception is greatly ENRIQUE BOSTELMANN, informed by the internet and social networking, and that there was a time not long ago when ANNA CANDIANI, shit-starters didn’t have the ability to organise 5,000 angry students and publicise their grievances PAOLO GASPARINI, via Twitter. Back then, whoever showed up to the petrol-throwing party had to possess balls (or KITAI KAZOU, AND ovaries) of steel, forged in the lava of a giant volcano that spewed molten disgust and outrage. And PAOLA MATTIOLI that’s mostly because if the hammer came down and the marginalised were arrested—or worse— they had no digital safety net to drag them back up from the tombs. Martin Parr, astute photographic historian that he is, knows the lessons of the past all too well, and earlier this year decided it was high time to reprint five photo books that depict various protest movements from throughout the 60s and 70s. The resulting compendium is The Protest Box (Steidl), and until its release this autumn the books were only available to collectors. The five books cover uprisings throughout Latin America, Japan, Algeria and Italy, and they slide effort- lessly into a utilitarian slipcase that looks like it could’ve fallen off the back of an army truck. The box is limited to 1,500 copies and will set you back about £320 (proving once again that discontent ain’t cheap), so we thought it apt to run a few photos from each book contained within—hors d’oeuvres of dissent, if you will.

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UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 90 11-11-30 9:38 AM UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 91 11-11-29 1:11 PM The above photos are from the 1970 book América: Un Viaje a Través de la Injustica, by Mexican photographer Enrique Bostelmann. Like Gasparini, Bostelmann travelled the continent looking for injustice and highlighted the contrast between capitalism and communism.

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UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 92 11-11-29 1:11 PM UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 93 11-11-29 1:11 PM These images from Kitai Kazou’s Sanrizuka capture the anger that developed in postwar Japan, which spilled over into various popular protest movements. Published in 1971, Kazou’s masterpiece documents the protests against the government’s building of Narita Airport.

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UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 94 11-11-29 1:11 PM UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 95 11-11-29 1:11 PM These were shot by Paola Mattioli and Anna Candiani, who in 1974 photographed the protest against Italy’s repeal of the legalisation of divorce for their book Immagini del No, the 11th in a series of photo books entitled Occhio Magico (Magic Eye).

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UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 96 11-11-29 1:11 PM UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 97 11-11-29 1:11 PM In 1960 German photographer Dirk Alvermann published Algerien, from which these photos are taken. The book was ahead of its time—carrying the hallmarks of classic 1970s protest photography and covering both sides of the Algerian insurgence during the country’s struggle for independence.

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have a friend named Anthony who studied calligraphy in everything it has been told and mistakes this acceptance for from St Vincent, whom I admire because she seems to me an China. On the last day of class, before handing out cer- scepticism, a teacher might introduce a strange and supersti- ideal woman in that she is capable of being vulnerable. I was I tificates, the calligraphy master gave a very earnest and tious belief. And a student would work with that, crack open raised to believe that a woman shouldn’t take any crap from insult-ridden speech during which he said none of the people the sceptical mind, at which point the teacher might say, men. Somehow I think this was in the air the whole time in the room should ever say he was their teacher. He said to “Come on, you don’t really believe that!” and this could go I was growing up, and at the risk of making people angry, do so would be like eating a delicious meal at a five-star res- on and on, peeling away layers of hardened mindsets, until I think this is wrong. I think in fact a woman’s strength is taurant, pointing the following day to one’s shit, and speaking nothing is left. her vulnerability, and that all this tough talk I got—in op-ed the chef’s name. So that’s sort of the principle, I think, that led me to be on a columns and films about tough ladies in relationships with I mention this at the outset to say why I’m going to be a little plane landing in Bali at 1 AM. men—just confused me. With St Vincent and vulnerability, I cagey about this trip to Bali I made and why I went. I mean, I’m I had a ride prearranged. The drive to the area of the first am thinking in particular of a live version of the song “Marry a Buddhist, but I don’t want to say who my teacher is, because temple was about three hours. It was called Pura Ulu Danu Me” that I often watch on repeat on YouTube. I think she’s I’m not an exemplary student. Anyway, this past summer he Bratan. I had chosen it looking for a temple to the Hindu god- got it right. was giving a course in California, and on the third or fourth dess Parvati, but as it happens, it is a major Shivaite temple. It I didn’t really have anything else, but I’d sort of been think- day during lunch, people were asking him informal questions has a larger temple to the lake and river goddess, Dewi Danu, ing about it on the way—about what I could offer—and I about their lives. We were gathered on the grass—about 40 of and a smaller one to Shiva and Parvati. This smaller temple is thought maybe I could offer this story, of the first time I let us, out of maybe 400 attendees—and he was sitting at a picnic only accessible by boat. It holds statues of Shiva, Parvati and myself really fall in love. So I did that. I sat there and I told this bench. One young man said he was going to Asia and wanted the Buddha. story about falling in love with the wrong person, and having advice about which countries to visit. I had seen pictures of the area online, and I thought I would my heart broken, or at least, I thought it through, and then I “Morocco, Shanghai… then India.” be able to buy flowers to offer there. Also, I hadn’t had a lot thought to myself, “But why don’t you tell it?” A Chinese woman about my age—I am 35—asked how of sleep, so I just wasn’t thinking clearly. Once I got in, I saw “I don’t know.” she should pick a partner, and rather than answering, he that there wasn’t any place to buy flowers, and that the smaller “It’s a beautiful story.” turned the question over to one of his longtime students, who Shiva temple—ordinarily accessible by boat—was, during low I went and found my driver, and we went back to the hotel. said, “You shouldn’t choose. It’s when you choose, see, that tide, inaccessible. you’re scaring them away. You should just wait to see what I stood on the bank opposite the shrine, wondering what he next day, my driver and I had made arrangements to comes along.” I could do. The temple was only about 30 feet from where visit several smaller temples, and then go up to the main It sounded like hippie nonsense to me, and so when my I stood. T temple of Bali, at Besakih. But in the morning, while I was teacher looked up I rolled my eyes. He held my gaze for a sec- A woman my age, two heads shorter, approached me. She waiting for him to arrive, I got into a conversation with the ond, and I knew he meant that it was good advice, that what was holding a camera out towards me, and so I made a move owner of my hotel. I told him I was in Bali to make offer- the other man had said was true. Then he said, in a quiet voice, to accept it, assuming she was asking me to take her picture. ings to Shiva, and he told me that if that was the case, I really “You should go to Bali and make offerings to…” I missed She shook her head—of course—and I posed for several pic- needed to go up to a small temple at the top of the mountain the name. He was speaking to the Chinese woman, not me. tures with her aunts. I even smiled in them. across the ridge. He pointed it out to me, across the range, the I wanted to raise my hand right then and say, “Who?” but I When they were done, the girl thanked me, and I said, “Actually, second-highest mountain in Bali—just some black peak in the was shy about it. let me ask you something. Can people go to that temple?” distance. His English wasn’t so good, so I might have misun- A couple of months later, I got in touch with my teacher’s She said yes. I asked her how, and she made a vague gesture derstood, but it seemed like he said the mountain was a ling, secretary and told her I was going to Bali to make offerings to with her hand. and the lake below it was a yoni. I don’t know too much about a goddess based on this thing I’d overheard—and that VICE I said, “Come walk with me and show me,” and she made that stuff, except that ling means “penis”, and yoni means “va- had commissioned me to write this piece and I was leaving in the gesture a second time, pointing down at the riverbank. gina”. Anyway, it sounded, from what he said, like the place to three days—but I wasn’t sure who the god was. She said she’d Then she said, “You’re welcome,” and walked away. be, so I said, “OK. I’ll go.” ask. I was in Korea, switching planes, when I got an email Down near where she was pointing, standing in the mud in I could tell this took him by surprise. He helped me to find a from her. The answer was one word: “Shiva”. the shadow of the temple, several little boys had their shoes local guide, and he said to me a few times, “The temple is very off, and they were fishing. I went down to the bank oppo- simple.” He encouraged me to take a packed lunch from the think maybe that anecdote tells you how little you can site where they stood, and looked at the mud where they had hotel kitchen—his compliments—and said something about a trust me to explain anything. I just couldn’t explain a com- walked. It was the bed of the pond, exposed in the low tide, cave, and how it went to the bottom of the world, and how I plicated religion. But I will try to give my understanding and thinking that I would get my feet muddy walking through that represented the Hindu view of the cycle of life. I think he “Well… you can get some up there. He has some.” of Buddhism. it, I sighed and took a reluctant first step; I sank all the way also said this cave, in the Hindu cosmology, represented the I should have done something, after coming all this way The idea, as I get it, is to wake up—to end the constant delu- to my knees. centre of the world, but I couldn’t really understand him, and just to make offerings, but I was stupefied. The hotel owner sion. By “delusion”, I mean looking at something that is not By chance, on the plane ride over, I’d been reading an essay mostly, I did a lot of confused nodding. had told me the hike would take an hour and a half, but on real and thinking it is real. And this, according to Buddhism, about a writer who went and spent time with some worm gath- I had told my driver several times that it was crucial that the way over, my driver explained it would in fact take seven. is everything. Not just rainbows or dreams—but everything. erers in Maine. The essay included several harrowing scenes, we stop and buy flowers. Still, when I saw a couple of small I was in Bali. I was disoriented. And so I just got onto the This is not to say that one day, if you were to wake up, and where the writer sank in the mud and envisioned dying—he stands on the side of the road, I didn’t say anything. I assumed motorcycle and we drove up the mountain. you were no longer deluded, that everything as you know it was hip deep, I think, and the mud was sucking at his heels, he had a plan. My guide was maybe 20 years old. He wore a red-checked would disappear, and you would grow a halo, but rather that, but still, this was fresh in my mind, so rather than pausing and We reached the end of the paved road, and it was time hooded sweatshirt and tucked his laces into his shoes. When to take a small example, the way you look at shapes would be feeling disgust, I just kept walking, knee-deep each step, to the for me to leave my driver and get onto the motorcycle of my we got to the end of the dirt road, he parked his motorcycle forever changed. other side of the creek bed and the staircase that ordinarily young guide, and my driver turned to me and said, “Did you beside a shack and went and had a brief discussion with the In order to take steps towards waking up, teachers use rose out of the water during high tide, which I took up to the buy flowers?” owner. Then we set out on foot. any means at hand. One method of cracking a lazy, so-called temple itself. I should have said, “What the fuck are you talking about? After about two miles, we came to a small mountain trail. sceptical mind is through “belief”. This is my interpretation, I had a couple of offerings I brought from home: a silk bag I told you I needed to,” but instead, I just sort of said, The trail was to the left of where we stood, and it went up the but to shatter this self-satisfied, arrogant mindset that accepts of semiprecious stones and an iPod with a couple of albums “Nooooo…” mountain. To the right was a field, where a young boy dressed

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UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 102 11-11-29 1:12 PM UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 103 11-11-29 1:12 PM with two square patios divided by a narrow passage. One of Sitting there, I thought, “Do I even want a boyfriend?” At that moment, the square patios had several outdoor seating platforms under Balinese pagoda-style roofs. One, to the left, had a tiled floor I couldn’t help thinking the answer was no. I’m a solitary and strange and was for honoured guests—Brahmins of high rank. The other, to the right, was cement, and less protected from the person, and I don’t know how to have someone close to me. elements. Locals sat there, as well as a bunch of women in matching pink skirts and sarongs. They were, I later learned, the band—it was a special thing, an all-woman group, to celebrate the guest of honour. in sackcloth was harvesting blue flowers with a scythe. My intended for making offerings (later I learned it was). I said, She, the g of h, was a 25-year-old woman born in the vil- guide said something to me and pointed at the boy. I nodded “Three of these.” lage. She had lived an ordinary life. At the age of 21, she had gratefully, assuming we would buy flowers. He spoke to the We spent about an hour buying fruit and flowers to fill the even left Bali for Singapore to seek work, but she hadn’t got a boy, who went and got another boy, who then led us up the three baskets. It was enough to fill the entire trunk of the car, single interview. She came back to Bali and became depressed. path. I know, again, I should have said, “Hey, I want to buy but still, I had a hard time making the baskets look bountiful. Her father—a small-time local priest—took pity on her and some flowers.” Of course, none of them spoke English, but I We made the offerings at the first two temples, and then on the started to teach her a little of what he knew. could have communicated that much with my hands. Instead, road to the last, I asked the driver to stop at a mango stand, In a very short amount of time, I was told, she began to I followed the two boys up the path. After about maybe a mile, and I bought about 24 pounds. slip into deep trances, where she would communicate with the young boy pointed. He and the guide spoke, I gave the boy When we got to the car park at Besakih, I went and filled the divine. The divine explained to her that her worldly life a little money, and he went back down the hill. up the last basket. I put in the mangoes, a watermelon and a had come to an end, and that going forwards, it would be I can’t say much happened when we got to the top. The couple of pineapples—then flowers, cakes and smaller fruits. her job to act as its vessel. Her mission, in short, was to temple itself, once you got about a quarter mile from it, is It was extremely heavy, and as we headed up to the temple, save the world. buffered by smaller temples, nearly unnoticeable things, really, the driver and then a local guide told me I would need help This story was regarded with a great deal of scepticism, and we stopped at each of these. My guide had brought some carrying the basket up the stairs. They also told me I shouldn’t I was told. In Bali, a Hindu society, the Brahmin priests are small, Balinese-style flower offerings, and since I didn’t have try carrying the basket in front of me but should balance it on cliquish, to say the least, and they didn’t really think this anything else, I offered my lunch in pieces—first a banana, my head. story held a lot of water. But they examined her, and her then an orange, then the fruit cup, then the rice pancakes and I don’t really like making people carry my things. Also, I felt understanding was apparently unblemished, and she knew finally the cheese sandwich. At each stop I prayed the same like my offerings were not as beautiful as I’d wanted them to all the mudras, or hand gestures. I was also told—and this thing: let me find a man. Let me be showered with male atten- be, so maybe a part of my offering could be carrying it myself. made me feel a little uncomfortable—that she spoke 11 lan- tion. I want a baby. Stuff like that. I think I carried the basket up five flights of stone stairs. It guages, one of which had a name like Astra. Did I dream The main temple featured a small lion statue that had lost was overcast, threatening rain. We entered a stone pavilion, this? I think I dreamed it, that I was told this was the lan- its face and had a silk scarf wrapped around its waist. I think where a ceremony was going on. The local guide directed me guage of the stars. this lion was a protector, and beside it was Shiva himself—a to lean my basket against a stone theatre in the back left of the So we were in this place, and it was around 6 PM. My host painting covered by a piece of cloth. We prayed here and then space, but the local priest saw me and told the guide to let me had, I think, gathered from my posture and expression that I went over the ridge, down a path so steep I had to descend it sit beside him. was enduring her with goodwill, and this irritated her, so she crab-walking on my hands and feet. We went down that way All the people in attendance—maybe 75 of them—had started to lash out at me a little. She said that projects like about 20 feet and then stopped at a tree wrapped in black and brought offerings, many in baskets like mine, but none so mine, ever since the release of the book Eat, Pray, Love, were white checked fabric. I could see a cave from there, and I could heavy. At some signal, they came forward—they were all going on all the time. I said, “Well, I never read that book,” see that it was amazing, but my guide wouldn’t let me go past women—and took the baskets to a stairwell leading to Shiva’s and I told her the story of the California Q&A. the fabric. He even felt I might bolt, and so he held me sternly temple. Each touched her basket to the staircase and walked She said, “It was like, as soon as that book came out, you’d by one hand and said, “It’s not good.” I don’t know if it was away, and when my turn came, I did the same. One of the see women walking around Ubud with it under their arm. that you shouldn’t approach it, or if it was dangerous, but we temple hands, a woman dressed all in white, came and began They’d be like, ‘I just read the most amazing book,’ and we’d just stood and watched, and then we went back up, and again, to sort through my offering basket, but the driver stopped her. be like, ‘We know.’” for a little while, we sat at the altar and prayed. Sitting there, He said to me, “You don’t want to keep any of this, do you?” I said, “I never read it.” I thought, “Do I even want a boyfriend?” At that moment, I and I said no, so she gave me a small collection, a couple of She said, “Just because Elizabeth Gilbert met a man in evening—the rank of high priestess—had her waist entwined couldn’t help thinking the answer was no. I’m a solitary and fruits, to eat later as a blessing. I was also given three sips Ubud, all the single women in the world come here thinking in velvet cloth. He said, “Are those crystals new? She’s look- strange person, and I don’t know how to have someone close of holy water and rice—it was touched to my forehead and they’re going to find a man.” ing especially sparkly tonight.” to me. chest—and I was given a few grains to eat. And I prayed, or I Someone came around with small cups of tea, sweetened Among the locals was a man with élan. He was cool-look- thought, “I want a husband. I want a baby. Let it rain men.” with syrup. A rooster strutted across the path. He wasn’t long ing. He was not, by any means at all, a handsome man, but he next day, I went on the big pilgrimage, making offer- And then it was time to go. for this world. A part of the ritual included sacrifice, some- he had himself in order. Unlike the other guests, who mostly ings at two smaller temples and then going up to the main You see, on my last night, I had arranged to stay in a guest thing I preferred, being squeamish, not to really know about. wore white, he was in dark colours—a grey nearly black—and T temple of Bali, the Mother Temple of Besakih. This time, I cottage of a woman who lived between the Besakih Temple and Up till this point, myself and another woman were the only his sarong just sat on him correctly. He came and took a chair had the driver take me to the market, where I bought offerings. the airport. Before my trip, when we were in touch by email, I’d guests who weren’t Balinese, but as the hour of the ceremony’s beside me when Mary stood, and introduced himself, and I The driver tried to select a basket for me. He picked a mod- told her a little about my project. It was before I’d heard back start approached, several other Westerners arrived. They said to him, “I like your glasses.” est one, the size of a dinner plate, but I told him I thought it from my teacher, and so I’d said I was making offerings to the wore all white. One had a tattoo on his forehead, the outline “Oh, these,” he said, “I got these in France in 1991.” should be bigger. “goddess of love”. She replied and asked me to join her at a of a third eye. Mary explained to me that he ran a travel He explained to me he’d bought them at a fashion show “No,” he said, “this is all you need.” local ceremony, where I could meet a living goddess. agency that visited places like Mongolia, Tibet and Bhutan. from John Galliano. He said when he bought them, he got I was running out of chances to get this right. My eyes fell The ceremony was held in a small village about 45 min- I heard him talking with a friend of his as the girl from the three pairs, and he replaced the lenses—which had been on the biggest basket in the store. I wasn’t even sure it was utes outside Ubud. It was held in a stone-walled enclosure, village, who was receiving the highest Brahmin rank that green—with ones in a pilot’s shade of orange. He said later

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UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 104 11-11-29 1:12 PM UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 105 11-11-29 1:12 PM I noticed his burning gaze. I said to him, “Lemme see how you smell,” and he leaned forward and opened his shirt. He smelled powerfully human.

Galliano saw his lenses and said he’d made a good choice; that fter I got back from Bali, I started a three-week screen- the orange was better than the green. writing seminar at the Film School in Seattle. One of my He talked a lot. He told me that he was a psychiatrist, A classmates got a crush on me, and twice he came to class trained in Alabama, and he talked about a paper of his on wearing a shirt with Shiva painted on it in tacky colours. His neuromechanics that had led to a consulting position with the email address was [email protected] [sic]. I told him I wasn’t Department of Defence. He took me in the back to look at the interested. He told me he was married. Another one of my offerings, which were piled floor to ceiling, filling an entire classmates seemed gay, but then he told a half-hour-long room, and then he took me back to our chairs. On the throne story about rough sex with a girl when he was 13. He said at the head of the pavilion, the ceremony had begun.The guy they thought she was pregnant, and in a fit of teen hysteria, with the glasses, whose title was Gusti—given to him by the he tried to give her an abortion by punching the baby out. I local Brahmin—turned to one of the Westerners behind us and had a 24-hour crush on him after that. I noticed his burn- said, “Can you feel the energy?” The Westerner said he could. ing gaze. I said to him, “Lemme see how you smell,” and he Then Gusti turned to me, “How about you,” he said, “can you leaned forward and opened his shirt. He smelled powerfully feel the energy?” I told him that I couldn’t. human. A couple of days later, a young attractive bartender He took my hand. “I’ll open it for you,” he said, and asked at a place near my house asked me to come in the next Friday me to breathe deeply. I obliged. We took several breaths like and said he’d teach me dominoes. (It’s Sunday as I write this. that and he said, “How about now?” I was sorry to tell him I will be there Friday.) I didn’t. Later I was told that he’s known as a great defender I live with my mum and don’t really know anybody in of the high priestess, and when I said that, I could see he was Seattle, so a couple of times I’ve made profiles on online dating a little angry but didn’t want to upset me, so he simply said, sites. I always give up and delete them after a couple of days, “Well…” and stood and walked away. because online dating sites seem to be populated by the extras The ceremony involved singing and chanting. The high in crowd scenes at sports games and shopping malls. I never priestess sat with her back to us. She had a beautiful back and knew there were so many men who talk like the TV. a beautiful way—her movements were unusual. She was erect There was one guy from online who wasn’t like the oth- but not stiff. Her motions were fast, trained, like a dancer ers, who I was in touch with on my phone. He was open and who is supremely confident, in her prime—all grace. When good-looking, risk-taking and alive. We were in touch, tex- she tossed a flower, it would be flying from her hand before I ting and all that, but both afraid to meet in person. I started noticed she had gestured. But still, I didn’t feel anything at all. writing a short story about us, set in a Hong Kong computer Gusti came back up after about an hour and sat beside me. café. The girl—me, I guess—was 16 and a little overweight, He pointed out some of the Brahmin in the left-side seating and he was 40, and sick, always sitting at the same station area. He said, “You should get their picture. They’re equal in night and day. I showed him what I had. I was sure he’d rank to her, but they are Vishnuites, so they’re very humble.” think I was crazy, but he didn’t. He said he wanted to see I just kind of nodded, like, “Yeah, yeah,” so he said it what happened in the end. I told him the truth was that the again. He repeated it a few times, so I got out my camera, characters had to meet; I couldn’t make it up. My mum was and together we walked up to a position where I could shoot out of town, so I told him to come over. He was tall, broad- the photo. He was still repeating that thing about their being shouldered, and a little thick in his chest and gut, which I like Vishnuites, and finally something dawned on me, and I turned in a man. He was beautiful, and he had a soft but deep voice. to him. I said, “What god is she associated with?” He told me about different stuff, such as his view on aliens. “Shiva.” He made a rational argument for their existence, and for why I said, “What’s her relationship to Shiva?” and he said, they don’t visit Earth. “She would have to explain that to you herself. It’s very “Maybe they do,” I said. “Maybe they take the form of complicated.” humans.” Maybe my expression revealed something of what he liked, “Yeah,” he said, “I’ve thought of that.” in conversations surrounding her, to see, because he said, “She “Maybe I’m one.” is Shiva and the Buddha combined.” He said: “And this is all a hologram? If it is, I wish you’d tell At that, my skin broke out into gooseflesh, and—if not the me, but don’t show me your face if it’s scary.” next day—at least until the end of the night, I felt I was in the I had to be quiet and not be in touch with him for a few presence of something terrifying and divine, and I prayed, with days after that, because I heard it’s not a good idea to let a guy ardour, for this girl to help me find a man. know how much you like him.

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UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 106 11-11-29 1:12 PM UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 107 11-11-29 1:12 PM THE MYSTERIES OF THE TEACHER

Vissarion’s Church of the Last Testament Is the Only Reason to Visit Siberia

BY ROCCO CASTORO PHOTOS BY JASON MOJICA

Vissarion (aka Sergey Anatolyevitch Torop, aka the Teacher), founder of the Church of the Last Testament.

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UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 108 11-11-29 1:12 PM UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 109 11-11-29 1:12 PM en hours into my first trip to Russia I catch an express train Four hours, a grey piece of chicken and two weird lemon back to the airport. It’s August in Moscow so I’m sweating sweets later, I land in Abakan at 7:30 AM, half an hour late. I T in a particularly gross and unfamiliar way, as I have since walk into the tiny lobby. It smells weird. Everything looks like my arrival, and I’m running late. If I miss my flight, I prob- it was assembled by a giant Soviet airport machine that pro- ably won’t make it to Petropavlovka in time for the Holiday duced identical airports, all of which have been left to rot in of Good Fruits, or speak with a Siberian man who looks like isolation. Worst of all, I don’t see anyone with a sign that says Jesus and believes his is the Word of God. ROCCO. Tamriko assured me a guy named Ruslin would be I buy a ticket and arrive at the platform with a couple of here, holding it. Too exhausted to panic, I sit and wait for 15 minutes to spare, enough time to find the emptiest car and minutes, when a tall, wiry blond man in his 20s with a piece of take a seat in the back. It departs three minutes later. This makes cardboard tucked under one arm walks through security and me feel a bit better, but I’m still suppressing a freak-out over the scans the room rapidly. Even before noticing the sign, I know possibility of missing my plane. The flight only happens once a it’s him—the type of guy you see coming. I get up and walk day, and I can’t fathom having to deal with whoever answers over to him. He snaps his head toward me. the phones at Vladivostok Air, Siberia’s largest carrier. “Rocco,” I say, pointing at my chest. He looks me in the If I don’t make it in time I’ll also have to reschedule my eye and stares for a few seconds before holding the sign out in ride. This will involve begging a woman named Tamriko, front of him. I just nod. “Yes,” he says, and puts something whom I’ve only corresponded with via email, to persuade a that looks vaguely Islamic on his head. We walk out of the exit fellow member of what many consider to be a cult to wake and to the car park in silence. It creeps me out. up at 4 AM tomorrow, make the three-hour drive to Abakan Standing alongside his car, a four-wheel-drive station wagon International Airport to pick up a nosy American stranger, with a steering wheel on the right side, I meet who I assume is and take him to a remote and deeply religious community of his wife or girlfriend. She’s young and pretty in a peculiar way, about 4,000 people living in the middle of the Taiga forest. and smiles as she introduces herself. But there’s no way I’ll ever On any other day it would be a borderline-reasonable request, be able to properly pronounce—or remember—her name right one that I have already made when I rescheduled because of now. I don’t even attempt to write it down in my notepad. a last-minute issue with my visa. But if I’m not in front of They quietly converse in the front seats for a few seconds, a check-in counter in 30 minutes, the earliest I can possibly and then the man points to a thermos sitting in the console. arrive is August 18. This is the Church of the Last Testament’s “Coffee?” I nod. He pours me a cup while the woman rum- holiest of holidays—the day, more than two decades ago, mages around her floorboard and comes up holding a mason when a 29-year-old patrol officer and talented painter named jar of what looks like paper glue. She pours some into my cof- Sergey Anatolyevitch Torop publicly declared himself reborn fee and hands it to me. They stare until I take a sip. If it’s as Vissarion. Since then he’s fostered a “unified religion” that poison or brainwash juice, it doesn’t taste so bad. I quickly is a vast amalgam of Christian, Buddhist, Hindu, pagan and finish it, and we sit for another minute or two without talking. other spiritual beliefs. “We go,” the man says, and turns the key. I quickly realise that Ruslin and his lady either don’t speak much English, or don’t, for whatever reason, wish to talk to We make a few pit stops for food and me, so I stay busy trying to get a 3G stick I bought in Moscow of which are of an architectural style unique to the community. We go downstairs for lunch—lots of fresh potatoes and The view of to work with my laptop. I manage to connect and attempt to I spot the temple I’ve seen in photos, the one Vissarion and his green things—and meet our fellow lodgers, who include two the Abode of Dawn from the other supplies in what I—probably choppily video-chat, then iChat, with my girlfriend. I tell her followers built more than a decade ago as they transformed an female anthropology students and a German photographer Temple Mount. everything’s going fine, that I haven’t slept in something like unfertile mud pit into a self-sufficient village at least 100 miles and his wife. Tamriko is here too, and she isn’t what I expected rudely—assume is Russia’s version of 26 hours, and joke about how I just drank really weird coffee away from civilisation. Somewhere around 4,000 followers live (in a good way). She’s only 24, and tells me that less than a given to me by people who are technically cult members and between here and Adobe of Dawn, the area where Vissarion and year ago she was practising civil law in Moscow. the most rural parts of Tennessee. who are now driving me into one of the most remote regions of his closest disciples moved after Petropavlovka got too busy for “I didn’t feel like I was comfortable living in Moscow,” she Siberia. Then the connection goes out and doesn’t come back. their liking. I feel like I’ve driven into a Tolkien novel. says. “I realised that I didn’t like my job. When I came here I Just about everything Vissarion has ever said or thought We make a few pit stops for food and other supplies in I arrive at the German House—a sort of spiritual halfway felt this very good feeling, that maybe I wanted to live here.” has been recorded in the never-ending Last Testament, which what I—probably rudely—assume is Russia’s version of the house run by Ruslin and Birgitt, a German woman who hosts She has known about Vissarion since she was 18, when currently spans ten volumes and thousands of pages. More most rural parts of Tennessee. But yeah, it is. Orange vests and students, Vissarionites from abroad and the spiritually curi- her uncle first introduced her to his teachings. She tells me than 5,000 followers around the world consider him a mes- fatigues run rampant, stores don’t seem to have signs, and I’m ous. Tamriko works here too, but she’s not around. I introduce that at first her parents—folks who lived through the fall of siah of sorts, known as “the Teacher”. They also believe that pretty sure one of our errands is to a place that sells giant bin myself to Birgitt, and she asks whether I’m hungry. I tell her Communism and didn’t think much of religion—disapproved the universe has two origins (one spawned nature, the other bags full of secondhand clothing. Also, the landscape is majes- that I’d rather sleep than eat, so she directs me upstairs to my of her decision to leave Moscow and her job. the human soul) and in something called the “outer-space tic and wild. At one point, we randomly pull over in front of room. She also instructs me to come back down in an hour and “[My family] didn’t talk about ‘God’ or anything. But I was mind” (aliens, basically), and that the end of the word is a house and the young woman gets out of the car while Ruslin a half to meet the rest of the guests and speak with Vladimir, a very open person. For example, for me it’s OK to go to a nigh. Or at least this is what I understand from the hand- waits. She returns with a giant jar of what I assume is milk, one of Vissarion’s minders and an important community leader. Catholic church or to go meet Baptist people, but when some- ful of scriptures that have been (somewhat poorly) translated and it assuages my fears about what I drank earlier. He will explain what is expected of guests invited to the Abode one told me about Vissarion it was like, ‘Wow, if this is the into English. An hour later we leave the main road and alternately hit of Dawn. I also learn that I won’t be sleeping here tonight, or truth, it’s so interesting. I should try to find his books.’” On the train ride I reflect on my whirlwind impression of dirt and paved roads for the next half hour, until it’s just dirt. tomorrow, which is news to me. “Spah-see-bahh,” I say as I Tamriko tells me that her parents have since come Moscow: it’s mostly grey, a little brown and strangely effi- Ruslin rolls up the windows so the dust doesn’t suffocate us thank her with the inflection of a recent stroke victim. around—that they had some “soul problems” and her uncle cient. And sure enough, I arrive at Vnukovo precisely on time while he floors it. The engine and rocks hitting the chassis I manage a 45-minute nap, my first sleep in 30-odd hours, explained to her “very logical” father that the Teacher held and sprint to my gate. As I step to the end of a short line I make it too loud to talk, so everyone’s silent the rest of the ride before being roused by a guy unpacking his stuff on the bunk all the answers. Within six months, her father had virtually look back at the neon-lit bar behind me. I was hoping to have as we bake in the 90-degree heat. across from mine. all of Vissarion’s books, and her mother, while not quite as time to get a beer, mostly because it’s not allowed where I’m “Sorry if I woke you,” he says. I figure if I go back to sleep, emphatic in her belief, thinks the Teacher is a “good guy going. Instead I distract myself by thinking about how fucked e make the final turn toward Petropavlovka, greeted I won’t wake up. He’s Maciej, a Pole studying anthropology of who has done good things”. She then says they have told I would’ve been if this were JFK, and how I have to be care- by a sign-sculpture that literally looks like it belongs in religion at a university in Slovenia. He says he’s come here via her they want to move to Petropavlovka or a nearby com- ful not to say fuck over the next week because cussing is also Wfront of one of the lesser Orlando theme parks. But the the Siberian Express, followed by a Soviet monster bus. “Some munity someday soon, even though they have yet to visit. forbidden within the church. So are tobacco, meat and I’m place is beautiful. Lakes, clear skies, trees, bountiful vegetable people I met on the train told me they brainwashed visitors Later I learn that she has never met Vissarion personally. Yet guessing a lot of other things, but the above were specifically gardens and grass forever, encircled by the Sayan Mountains. A here,” he says. “They tried to persuade me not to come, but I she has somehow facilitated my interview with him, the first enumerated by Tamriko before I arrived. few hundred structures of various sizes dot the landscape, most didn’t think I’d be in danger.” he’s granted in at least three years after deciding he would

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UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 110 11-11-29 1:12 PM UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 111 11-11-29 1:12 PM no longer talk to journalists. She initially told me that an The many audience with the Teacher was highly unlikely, but I per- friendly faces of the Church sisted, emailing my questions weeks before my trip. Five days of the Last before I left she sent me an email saying that the Teacher had Testament, and approved our meeting, which will hopefully take place the a few visitors. day after next. She provided no explanation as to why I was bestowed with this honour, but that was fine with me. After lunch, we meet with Vladimir, a stout and energetic man wearing a grey ponytail and hat similar to Ruslin’s. He tells us what’s expected of visitors invited to the Adobe of Dawn, specifically those who wish to document their experience. In other words, myself and the middle-aged German photographer sitting at the other end of the table. He tells us we will leave in two hours, and gives tips on what to do if we run into a bear. Apparently I will be staying with a family who lives in the Abode of Dawn, or in the grass under the stars (I neglected to bring a sleeping bag); it’s not clear which. Either way, I will sleep soundly.

manage to grab an hour or so of shut-eye upstairs before my roommate again wakes me and says it’s time to go. It I takes me a bit to get dressed and check my supplies because I’m deliriously tired and half-dreaming in a place that could easily be a dream itself. I run downstairs with my shoes still untied, almost forgetting the sleeping bag loaned to me by Tamriko, who decides to stay behind, and squeeze into a rusty yet seemingly indestructible Soviet-era bread loaf packed with my new friends from the German House and a few fresh faces. It’s an even bumpier ride than the one I took this morning, but our skilled driver—who looks like he probably knows his way around a Soviet tank—easily navigates endless potholes and muddy puddles that could pass for small ponds. I try to make small talk with my fellow passengers, but it’s so loud and uncomfortable that shouting is necessary to communicate. Mostly we just stay quiet and hang on. In the seat adjacent to mine, facing the opposite direction, is a young blond man wearing a ball cap. His eyes—piercing and greenish brown— remind me of Ruslin’s, and he anxiously rolls what appears to be a black rosary between his fingers. I am later told that he is Vissarion’s son, but it’s obvious he does not want to speak with me or anyone else in the van. An hour later we arrive at the base of the mountain trail, which is filled with parked cars and travellers who’ve come to celebrate the community’s equivalent of Easter. I’m told that last year more than 2,000 made the pilgrimage. It looks like this year the turnout could be even higher. The hike up the mountain is nowhere near as strenuous as I imagined. Much of it is covered with wood planks, and no rock climbing is involved. Still, a few people have trouble keeping up with Vladimir’s brisk pace, and we stop a few times to rest. I shuffle around in the pack, chatting with my fellow travellers to find out why they’ve come all this way. One woman, who appears to be in her 50s—all smiles and bright eyes—tells me she has been travelling the world for decades, with a vague general mission of celebrating all reli- gions and spreading the good word. She also mentions that a friend of hers recently invented a television that is capable of broadcasting the viewer’s soul. She’s come here many times before, and encourages others to do so, but spends most of her time in India. A couple—from Sweden—talk a lot about the environment and how the creator is present in everything, and how eating meat is reprehensible. It makes me crave a hamburger and a beer. Another guy—in his late teens or early 20s—has what appear to be small triangular cuts all over his face and forehead. I try to steer clear of him.

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UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 112 11-11-29 1:12 PM UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 113 11-11-29 1:12 PM We reach the end of the trail 30 minutes ahead of sched- appears to be the sign of the cross, ending with the additional Afterwards I’m invited to tour the monastery, an impres- ule, and Vladimir instructs us to walk to a small green motion of tracing a clockwise circle around her head and upper sive two-storey cabin in which Vissarion used to live before structure in the distance and form a line in front of what is torso. She also points out the 14 roads of varying prominence donating it to the headmaster, Andrey, and an inaugural class basically a makeshift customs office. The attendant inside that radiate out from the city centre. “Thirteen was a number of eight teenage monks. Andrey tells me he always felt out the shack takes our names and grants admission to the of significance in the New Testament,” she explains. “And so, of place in life before his first visit to the community, which Abode of Dawn. We walk in silence to the city gates, a nar- we have 14 because it is the beyond.” A bell then tolls 14 times instantly felt like home. I ask him about the movement’s earli- row and sloped-roof structure made of pine, where a small while everyone closes his or her eyes to pray. est days, soon after the fall of the Soviet Union. “The universe group of what looks to be town elders is waiting for us. After the last toll I’m handed a thin yellow candle from a was preparing this place before the collapse of Communism,” They greet Vladimir and have a short conversation. I make stranger who lights it for me. Darkness falls, and even the most he says. “It stayed preserved from development.” He then out the word American, and one of the men motions for me steadfast atheist would have to admit that the scene here is details the boys’ daily routine, which seems to include noth- to follow him and Nina—a woman in her mid-30s who took pure and beautiful in a way few things are in this world. After ing but chores, prayer, academics and lots of physical fitness. the van up with me and seems to speak good English—to an about an hour of hymnals and blessings, I sit down on a rock Later he asks me how I feel about the community, and whether unknown destination. and nod off with my head in my hands. Nina soon rouses me, I would ever consider moving here. I tell him it seems like a “Where are we going?” I ask. “To the house,” Nina says. I and we return to Marina’s for the night. I sleep like a dead dad. very interesting place but I’m not sure what a city boy like laugh nervously. me would have to offer. “You are a writer,” he says. “It’s a We walk up to a small dwelling and are excitedly greeted awake at sunrise. Today’s the big day, the Holiday of Good profession that is fascinating to us because we strive to create in Russian by a woman in a skirt. Nina tells me that her name Fruits, and the reason that thousands of followers from all new works where negative characters do not exist.” Trying is Marina and that we will be staying here for the next two I over the world have come here—to catch a glimpse of their to change the subject, I ask whether I can perhaps speak with days along with another half-dozen guests. I finally realise that lord as he gives his annual address on the mountain. Many of one of the young monks. He agrees and takes me upstairs, to Nina will be serving as my guide and translator for the rest of these people converted after meeting Vissarion on one of his the room Vissarion had formerly used as his painting studio. the trip; it seems they are fond of letting people figure things many missions throughout Russia, Europe and other parts of I meet John, a third-year student who seems better adjusted out on their own here. the world during the early and mid-2000s. American visitors, than most 16-year-olds I’ve met, but that may be because he however, are a rarity. doesn’t know much outside of this community, and for the first By 8 AM we’re back at the circle-cross, as if last night’s time I imagine what it must be like to be born here (even though Even the most steadfast atheist would liturgy never ended, but this morning there are at least three John tells me he was not—his parents moved here when he was times as many people surrounding it, and more keep stream- nine). I ask him to name his favourite subject or daily activity. have to admit that the scene here is ing in through the gates. I stare at the trail to the temple “To be helpful to others,” he replies, almost reflexively. After mount—and Vissarion’s home—in the distance and leave the a bit of prying, I get him to admit that he enjoys construction pure and beautiful in a way few things liturgy to take a stroll around town. Quite a few journalists and using “power tools and gas-powered equipment”. He’s have visited the community throughout the years, many of reluctant to answer anything too personal, and the hour of are in this world. whom made the place out to seem like it was primitive and Vissarion’s holiday sermon is fast approaching, so we exchange full of hardship. And while I’m sure the brutal Siberian win- good-byes and I head about halfway down the mountain with Marina shows us where we will be sleeping—the floor of ters suck in ways I can’t imagine, looking around the place Nina to a massive stage carved out of rock where thousands of an attic that has been converted into a living area just out- it seems almost entirely self-sufficient. Most of the houses followers await a few words from their teacher. side a curtain that leads to Marina and her husband’s room. appear to be solar powered, and some have satellite TV and Suspense mounts, and the crowd pushes forward as one of She insists that we head downstairs for lunch immediately, internet. Freakishly huge vegetables grow in meticulously Vissarion’s high priests (there are only two) appears on the where we are treated to simple food—cold vegetable soup, manicured gardens that dot the landscape. I’m beginning to stone platform a few minutes before sundown. He preps the cheese, bread, potatoes and black tea. Marina, communicat- understand the allure of this place, and so far, everyone I’ve crowd, revving them up with an extended homily. Then he ing through Nina, gives us the lay of the land: where to find met seems to be extremely happy and at peace with his or her sits in a chair off to the side, and everyone grows silent with the outhouse, shower and headlamps that will help us get to decision to drop out of a world they consider beyond hope anticipation for the Teacher’s grand entrance. those places at night. I ask Nina why Vissarion requires his and start anew on this virgin plot. Vissarion appears in the distance, and walks slowly, like followers to adhere to a vegetarian diet (strict veganism was For whatever reason I get the impression that some of a good showman, before pausing to scan the crowd. Then practiced in the earliest days of the community, but under- its inhabitants are more into the lifestyle than the faith, but he takes a seat in a kingly throne covered by a red umbrella whelming crop yields and complaints of babies getting sick considering that one cannot be had without the other, they that appears to be made of velvet. He swings the microphone prompted the Teacher to change dietary restrictions). She happily go through whatever motions are required to stay. toward him, audibly breathes into it for 20 or 30 seconds, spheres in the shape of a triangle. “Extraterrestrials?” I The procession says it’s because meat contains “information of death”, and Most, however, are wholeheartedly devoted to Vissarion and and begins. I can’t understand a word, but whatever he says ask. But after that he drops it, saying that the subject mat- to the Temple Mount on the I quickly change the subject. We wind up talking about her his teachings. I also consider that they might have it right—per- only takes ten minutes before he pushes the microphone ter doesn’t interest him. He tells me that my meeting with Holiday of family. “I have a son here in the monastery, on the temple haps humanity can’t sustain itself in its current, self-destructive away, slowly rises, and walks back up the path from which he Vissarion—which has already been rescheduled twice—will Good Fruits. peak,” she says. “He’s 18, and I used to visit him all the time state, and we should throw the whole thing out and start over. came—disappearing around a bend. take place tomorrow morning, at the Teacher’s house on the but…” She also tells me a little about herself—that she used Also, if the end-times are coming soon, you’d be hard-pressed Nina gives me the gist of what he said: “He told us that he mountain. I wish him good night and walk upstairs, where I to translate Stephen King’s books into Russian before moving to find a better place to wait it out than on the top of a moun- was happy to see us all together and that we are all staying on fall asleep almost instantly. to the community many years ago. She likes fantasy novels. tain in Siberia. the path. And that we have to stay cautious and determined “That’s what this place is,” she says. “It’s like stepping into Nina tracks me down to let me know that the procession so that we can celebrate another anniversary together.” She he next day Slava arrives at our scheduled time and escorts a fairy tale.” to the Temple Mount will begin in 20 minutes, and we make relays a few more things, but they all seem like circular state- Nina and me through a usually off-limits back road, where I try to finish my bowl of soup but can’t, handing it back our way back to the gates, where the congregation is grow- ments without a point. But maybe that’s my problem, because T machinery and supplies are stored. The walk is taking lon- to Marina and hoping she takes no offence. A man who intro- ing by the minute. Around the perimeter, musicians—many of everyone in the crowd is radiating with happiness. I stop a ger than planned, so we pick up the pace, and I start sweating duced himself as Slava appears, seemingly out of nowhere, them children—tune their violins and blow notes from wind few people at random, asking them what they think about like I was on the train in Moscow. Nothing like showing up to smiling widely, and tells Nina and me to meet him outside instruments. Soon it’s time to start walking, and I watch as a Vissarion. It’s all more or less the same: “When I saw him for meet a person many consider to be a deity looking like a total Marina’s at 7 PM sharp if we wish to attend tonight’s liturgy. couple of thousand stream through the gates and join them. the first time, he is the one I had been looking for all my life.” slob. We arrive at his house, which is covered in stucco and We do. We halt when the front of it reaches the entrance of the path “I feel he is my close friend.” “I have a feeling that he has his features a different style of architecture from the rest of the The liturgy consists of a few hundred people praying and up the mountain. It begins to rain about halfway up, but it’s own state of being.” “Everything he says gets into my soul.” village. It throws me for a loop; the place looks like something kneeling around something that resembles an ankh from still a beautiful day and no one seems to mind. By the time we Was I missing something? you’d find inside a gated community in Florida. We are greeted afar. When I get closer I realise the shape is that of a stan- reach the monastery it’s sunny again, and we continue on to a Slava, the guide who greeted us on arriving at the Adobe of outside by Vladimir and brought up to the porch, where we dard Christian cross, but with a circle around the crux. Statues small temple tucked away inside a clearing. And it’s more of Dawn, joins Nina and me on our walk down the mountain, meet Vadim, the Teacher’s official biographer, who apparently of angels surround it. Nina tells me the circle represents the the same: singing, bells, incantations and lots of white robes. back to Marina’s house. He tells me that one night a few will be including the answers to my questions in some sort of all-encompassing nature of their faith and then makes what I try to stay engaged, but I’ve never been one to enjoy mass. years ago he looked into the night sky and saw three glowing official literature.

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FRIDAY 9 DECEMBER TUESDAY 13 DECEMBER SUNDAY 18 DECEMBER FRIDAY 23 DECEMBER LOTTAROX XMAS PARTY/ FOR- STROLL ON GOOD DANGERS RECORDS RECORDS MER LOVER SINGLE LAUNCH Stealing Sheep Live PRESENT: RECORDS RECORDS Former Lover Live I Ching Live The Shutes Live Good Dangers Live Bad Guys Live Blue On Blue Live Entry: £7 Grand Forever Live Bookhouse Boys Live Youth Live Lottarox DJ Entry: Free Plus Special Guests Dee Rusche DJ WEDNESDAY 14 DECEMBER Entry: Free Club The Mammoth DJ LORD OF THE MICS LAUNCH MONDAY 19 DECEMBER Metal Fridayzz After Party DJ Full Line-up TBA IT’S ALL HAPPENING SATURDAY 31 DECEMBER Entry: Free Entry: Free Two Wounded Birds Live SNAP, CRACKLE & POP Dead Wax Live VS. FTWB NYE SATURDAY 10 DECEMBER THURSDAY 15 DECEMBER The Switch Live UPSTAIRS: ILM/THE QUIETUS UPSET THE RHYTHM Entry: Free Midland DJ PRESENTS: INDEPENDENT Total Control Live Nat Self DJ LABEL MARKET PARTY Pheromoans Live TUESDAY 20 DECEMBER Hannah Holland DJ Vissarion Vissarion steps out from his patio door. I was half-hoping Vladimir signals to me that it’s time to wrap things up, so I Toy Live DAVE I.D Live Mickey Gloss Live HACKNEY WORKING Matt Walsh DJ addresses his he’d be wearing loungewear, or maybe pyjamas, but of course take a risk and ask Vissarion a couple personal questions: his GIRLS CLUB followers in Plus Special Guests Sauna Youth Live Harry James a sermon on he’s in a white robe. He eschews the drawn-out posturing of favourite food and whether he likes the Beatles. He doesn’t Entry: Free Entry: Free The Oscillation Live and Carlosi DJ the Holiday of yesterday’s sermon and holds out one of his hands, which are bite, skirting the question by saying, “I don’t have preferences for One Unique Signal Live Russ Tannen Good Fruits. massive and seemingly bloated. Up close he’s a bit older and anything. It would be hard to explain how it works with me.” SUNDAY 11 DECEMBER FRIDAY 16 DECEMBER Plus Special Guests and Al Harley DJ heavier than I anticipated, but he seems to have a gregarious PINK MIST PRESENT: PINK MIST PRESENTS: Entry: Free way about him. We sit down and get right to it, Nina translat- he following day I leave Petropavlovka, and Ruslin drives me A TELLISON THE HOLY ROAR XMAS PARTY DOWNSTAIRS: ing our exchange for the group. back the way we came. I wonder how many times a year he CHRISTMAS PARTY Maths Live Crossbreaker Live WEDNESDAY 21 DECEMBER O Children DJ Tellison Live Algiers Live Pariso Live Veils Live COLD HAUS: XMAS PARTY Foe and A.D.A.M. DJ “Why did you agree to meet with me today?” I ask. “I know T has to make this trip, and whether he minds. After checking Little Signals Live Desolated Live Airhead Live Rounds Live Off Modern DJ that you have been refusing interviews for a while now.” into the Hotel Siberia in Abakan, I manage to get my laptop Entry: Free Entry: Free Antwerp Live Microburst Live Baby Love DJ “I am not sure.” to work with Russian internet and catch up on all I’ve missed Entry: Free Streets of Beige DJ Mischa DJ “Are you regretting it now?” He laughs. over the past week. I’m greeted with headlines about violent MONDAY 12 DECEMBER FRIDAY 17 DECEMBER The Line Of Best Fit DJ I tell him that I am 29, the same age at which he experi- upheaval around the world, more than 750 emails from work, a THIS IS NOT HACKNEY WORKING THURSDAY 22 DECEMBER Paint It Black DJ enced his spiritual awakening, hoping it will prompt him to credit-card bill, and a Gmail message from my roommate, tell- REVOLUTION ROCK GIRLS CLUB VICE ISSUE LAUNCH The Red Room DJ talk about it. “It’s extremely hard to express in words,” he ing me that my alcoholic Polish neighbour dropped dead the day Franz Nicolay Live Brown Brogues Live Fanzine Live Fresh Princes DJ OBL DJ says. “I’m not even sure how to do so.” before from delirium tremens. I close my laptop and lie down. Chris T-T Live James Page Live Men of Good Fortune Live Gross Magic Live Plus Special Guests Over the course of our 45-minute conversation he reveals For a few minutes, I seriously contemplate what life would be Plus Special Guests Chips for the Poor Live Yoofs Live Vice DJ Entry: £8 Early Bird / that his “feelings” first guided him to this land, that my resi- like as a member of the Church of the Last Testament. Could Entry: Free Entry: Free Entry: Free £12 adv / £15 OTD dence in New York City is “not life”, that every object has a I hack it? Probably not. But then again I don’t have much of a “unique energy”, that “outer-space minds do not have a soul”, problem with the way the world is right now. Sure, it’s nowhere the pitfalls of modern science, and that he can “feel a person” near perfect, but things like indoor plumbing and chicken wings in my soul but its features are “undefined”. At one point I make it worth it—at least for me—and I’m lucky enough to Downstairs: Free entry watch in awe as a fly lands on his sleeve, where he begins pet- have access to them, so why not enjoy? Free Rough Trade jukebox, free Wi-Fi ting its wings. It doesn’t fly away. I close my eyes and feel myself drifting into sleep, chuckling No Pain in Pop | Off Modern | Leo Deus | Pop Scene Perhaps the most poignant thing he says has to do with his as I imagine what I’ll say the next time I hear someone com- God Don’t Like It | Danielle | Motorik supposed knowledge of a doomsday event: “The less truth plaining about how everyone is corrupt, money is evil and our a human knows, the fewer responsibilities he carries on. A problems are unsolvable: “Well, there’s this place you can go For full listings visit theoldbluelast.com human is safer to make a mistake without knowing the cause in Siberia…” of it, instead of consciously making that mistake in response Watch Rocco traverse Vissarion’s Siberian Kingdom on a new episode of The VICE to wrong guidelines.” Guide to Travel, this month on VICE.com.

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UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 116 11-11-29 1:12 PM SJM CONCERTS & DF BY ARRANGEMENT WITH EC1 PRESENTS

APRIL 2012 MON 23 GLASGOW O2 ACADEMY 0844 499 9990 TUE 24 LEICESTER O2 ACADEMY 0844 477 2000 WED 25 PLYMOUTH PAVILIONS 0845 146 1460 FRI 27 LEEDS O2 ACADEMY 0844 477 2000 SAT 28 BLACKPOOL EMPRESS BALLROOM 0844 856 1111 SUN 29 WOLVERHAMPTON CIVIC HALL 0870 320 7000 MON 30 SOUTHEND CLIFFS PAVILION 01702 351 135 MAY 2012 WED 02 READING RIVERMEAD 0118 960 6060 THU 03 CARDIFF UNI GREAT HALL 029 2078 1458 SAT 05 LONDON O2 ACADEMY BRIXTON 0844 477 2000 BUY ONLINE AT GIGSANDTOURS.COM 24 HR CC HOTLINE 0844 811 0051

NEW ALBUM ‘AT YOUR INCONVENIENCE’ OUT NOW INCLUDES THE NUMBER 1 SINGLE ‘READ ALL ABOUT IT’ That’s how I feel every time I get back to Athens. WWW.PROFESSORGREEN.CO.UK Athens is different every time I get back. Right now it’s FOLLOW PROFESSOR GREEN ON TWITTER ATHENS IS BURNING @PROFESSORGREEN kind of dead, no people on the streets, and a peculiar And Acid Baby Jesus Can’t Do Anything chilling silence. It’s easier to make out these differences when you’ve been away, so it gets to me. The images get About It stronger: Pakistanis pushing supermarket trolleys full of shoes, skeletons shooting up in the street, prostitutes on METROPOLIS MUSIC, SJM CONCERTS & DF CONCERTS IN ARRANGEMENT WITH DECKED OUT!, CORIDA & GENESIS PRESENT BY ELEKTRA KOTSONI adly, the words “Greece” and “good” have not been every corner. THE NME AWARDS 2012 SHOWS FOR used in the same sentence for three years now—well, PHOTO BY DUX Ssave for this one. Things are pretty messed up in Behaviour changes too. that country, but there’s one important exception: Athens And the way people talk about money. Remember how garage-rockers Acid Baby Jesus are doing pretty well. The taboo it was to even mention it? If you had no money you’d band—frontman Noda Pappas, guitarist Otto Mentis, bass- make up a stupid excuse. Now, everyone’s like, “Go for ist Tili Stronis and drummer Mark Mazarakis—sneaked drinks? Are you fucking kidding me?” out of the Athenian Tartarus over to the US and recently fell in with everyone’s favourite flower-punks, the Black Which is a good thing. Lips. They got on so well that Acid Baby Jesus are hitting Yeah, not all those changes are totally negative. When the road with the Lips right about now. Which gave me the it comes to the arts, things are looking up. There are perfect opportunity to give my friend Noda a catch-up call. suddenly loads of good bands emerging, even if they are poor in terms of production. Then again, when we were VICE: Hi Noda, what’s up? rich, trash culture was king. THURSDAY 9 FEBRUARY BRISTOL O ACADEMY Noda Pappas: Not much, ran some errands today. I’m 2 0844 477 2000 drinking wine now. It tastes like soap. Do you feel lucky to have made it out of Greece, or do FRIDAY 10 FEBRUARY you have regrets about not staying behind and “fighting”? LONDON How did the Black Lips thing happen? Having the option is good. And I’m not sure there’s much BRIXTONSOLD O2 OUTACADEMY Cole [Alexander, the Black Lips] is friends with Jeff and point in fighting. If I had a stone in my hand, I wouldn’t SATURDAY 11 FEBRUARY Dale from Hell Shovel so he came to our gig in Atlanta. know who to throw it at. The occupation of the square BIRMINGHAM O2 ACADEMY 0844 477 2000 Him and Otto bonded over their outfits—army jackets, last summer was good. It’s always good when people take SUNDAY 12 FEBRUARY necklaces and the like—and that was it. They’d say stuff to the streets, but it didn’t change anything. GLASGOW O2 ACADEMY like, “We are brothers from parallel universes!” 08444 999 990 How about the October 19-20 strike? That wasn’t good. MONDAY 13 FEBRUARY That’s far out. It’s tragic—a man lost his life. We were in New York MANCHESTER ACADEMY 0161 832 1111 That show was good. Hell Shovel played last, and Jeff when we heard and everyone was talking about it, it was TICKET HOTLINE: 0844 811 0051 went nuts, stomping on his guitar. The crowd took the on every front page. People, both in the US and Greece, GIGSANDTOURS.COM stage, singing nonsense, as obviously nobody knew the advised us not to come back. GIGSINSCOTLAND.COM NEW ALBUM 'AUDIO, VIDEO, DISCO' OUT NOW actual words. That was the first gig of the tour where Acid Baby Jesus tour Europe this December. Their self-titled LP is out on FACEBOOK.COM/ETJUSTICEPOURTOUS things went well. In Florida, we were fish out of water. Slovenly. More at myspace.com/acidbabyjesus, if anyone still uses MySpace. &'/303 DYDLODEOHQRZ

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UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 118 11-11-30 10:08 AM TOUPÉE: MEDICINE MAN BY BRETT GELMAN, PHOTOS BY JANICZA BRAVO Guest Starring Jon Daly as the Medicine Man

Janet’s licking my hands while I drive Mandela’s car. It’s cute as shit. The next iPhone. Don’t want to think about what I just did. Don’t feel good about it. Not one bit. Murder’s not a fun thing, no matter how much you think the piece of shit you erased and sent to devil’s asshole deserved it. Mandela is still the sweetest trim I ever had, and I remember, somewhere in the rotted-out recesses of my brain, that we even laughed With the passing of our dear leader, sTeve jObs, the engineering department here at aPple has had a together a couple of times. That’s nothin’ to snub. Who do you find that with? Not chance to reflect on the direction of the past few years. sTeve was all about smaller, cleaner, faster, and many. But the bitch had her lover—my fake son—shoot me, so she had to die. he pushed all of us, sometimes much harder than we wanted to be pushed, to pursue his single-minded, Speaking of being shot: fuck! I’m bleeding! Gunshot wound! This hole ain’t gonna fix unrelenting vision. Now that he’s gone, and we no longer have that visionary voice buzzing in our ears 24-7, itself. Not like I can go over to the Home Depot and ask for a bottle of wound glue. No, or waking us at 3 AM for long talks about some bullshit he saw earlier that day, or yammering beside us what I have to do is much worse. I gotta go see the Medicine Man. That’s what a crazy and ruining an otherwise pleasant walk in the park, it’s clear that we have often pushed things too far, too asshole in the desert calls himself when he practises medicine but doesn’t have a fucking fast. It’s time for the new iPhone, something less intimidatingly futuristic, annoyingly efficient, and overde- degree. It’s this particular guy’s name, too. That’s how much he’s into his pseudo-herbal signed. Finally, without sTeve around, we can shoot the shit and try some of the things we’ve talked about bullshit. And his only “patients” are people like me. Cocksuckers who were in the wrong for years, and we can go home at 3 PM every day and fucking relax. In that spirit, sit back and open your place, and by “in the wrong place” of course I mean living the wrong life. mind up to the possibilities of the new iPhone, lovingly dubbed the “Frankenphone”—here it is techno- Don’t get it twisted. This Medicine Man ain’t no indigenous type. He’s as white as geeks, the iPhone 5S-domo-arigato-mr.-roboto. I am. But he’s read a couple of books about the Mayans, and somehow that’s all the qualifications you need to call yourself a witch doctor, wear a bone necklace and pop peyote like Tylenol. He’s a real fuckin’ asshole. Rumour is when he isn’t doin’ back- door surgeries, he’s hangin’ out at the park and lookin’ for kids to molest. Me and Janet pull up to the Medicine Man’s little house. Looks as shitty as any other place around here, except for the dream catchers—the fucking things are everywhere. How many dreams does this asshole need to catch, and once he catches them what Tiny hat Thicker antenna Speaker/suction-cup dual asset does he do with them? To me a dream catcher has got to be a practical joke played on sTeve jObs resisted attaching a The antenna is no longer hidden A speaker that truly amplifies, with the stupid white man by some indigenous prick; trick us into thinking that we’re being simple, clean, well-designed hat away, cluttering the inside of strong midrange sound and even spiritual when really we just got a bunch of dirty bird feathers hanging over our stupid or cap with defiance beyond all the device, but is now displayed some bass. And it’s a suction cup. fucking heads. reason. Not sure why. Will keep prominently and without shame. I walk in. “Hey Man!” I call him “Man”, because if he was a doctor I’d call him part of your new iDevice dry in the rain and warm year-round. “Doc”, but he’s the Medicine Man so I call him “Man”. He comes out, and the guy’s A big plus! fucking naked. “You still owe me a blowjob for when I took your appendix out!” Shit! Forgot about that. Don’t know why I promised him a blowjob. This old fuck Old-timey would have gladly taken a hand job. handset “I know. I’m sorry. I’ve been busy, but look, I’m shot. I’m losing blood. Probably Have you ever tried to cradle too weak to give you a solid one, so stitch me up and I’ll give you two in a row.” the iPhone in “What if I don’t want two in a row? Maybe I want one now and save the other one your shoulder— for later.” Ham radio friendly! Ow! This thick, “Sure, that’s fine. However you want to do it.” sTeve fought against putting a heavy handset “Fine, but after I cum you gotta watch a movie with me.” simple, easy-to-read Ham radio rests comfortably “A movie? What movie?” tuner on the face of the iPhone in your neck- for years! Whether for use in crook, leaving “That Owl Ga’Hoole movie.” emergencies or just casual your hands I agree. I’d agree to anything at this point. Shit, I’d agree to getting shot again. chatter, finally this new/old free for driving, He puts me out. Janet’s sitting by the door. Little nervous about leaving her around technology can be accessed. waving, and this asshole, but she can take care of herself. I’m getting really sick of being unconscious. fingering other I come to and, sure enough, the Medicine Man is beating off his weird mystical prick drivers while over my head. God knows for how long. driving. Use it while driving! “Jesus, Man. Can’t you wait?” He can’t. He wants to make sure I don’t back out on the deal. So yeah, I suck his dick. His cum stinks like a rotting corpse. I’m covered in it. This guy must have been saving his nut for something special. I go to take a shower, and there’s a fucking dream catcher in the shower. I’m careful not to get water on the stitches, or his cum for that matter. We sit down to watch the fucking cartoon owl movie. He puts his hand on my lap. I take it off. He looks at me. “Thanks for that.” “No problem.” Truth be told, I feel bad for the guy. Alone in his hut, poppin’ peyote and fixin’ gunshot wounds. He’s alone. We’re all alone. But at least I have Janet. “I know who did it.” Battery pack Calculator face iCord built-in “What?” No more futzing with plug-in recharging every night of the No more searching The new iPhone has a cord! Why week—simply stop at the nearest convenience store once through apps to do did sTeve avoid this familiar “I know who set you up.” or twice a day and refill for up to three hours of phone usage simple math—it’s right spring-cord technology? It doesn’t My stitches sting. I wince and look at Janet. She doesn’t like the fucking owl

per load. Easy-peasy jObsy-wobsy, why did this take so long? there at your fingertips! matter, it’s back, relax… enjoy. by Bob Odenkirk, photo Dan Meyer movie either.

Check VICE.com for previous instalments of Toupée, Brett Gelman’s novel about baldness, disgusting depravity and being on the lam.

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odenkirk dec A3.indd 28 11-11-21 4:24 PM UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 120 11-11-29 1:12 PM UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 121 11-11-30 9:42 AM THE LEARNIN’ CORNER: THE GREAT CURVE THE CUTE SHOW PAGE! JOHN C. STILLWELL AS TOLD TO HARRY CHEADLE, ILLUSTRATION BY KAMRAN SAMIMI BY ELLIS JONES, PHOTO BY REN NETHERLAND

Readers of HP Lovecraft know non-Euclidean geometry as the basis of the architecture of the nightmare Dog Grooming Expo Whoooooo! What a relief. You’ve finally made it to the Cute Show Page! Release the heavy burden and sad corpse city of R’lyeh, but to mathematicians, non-Euclidean geometry is simply another way of dividing vibes the rest of this issue has heaped upon you and just R-E-L-A-X as your brain is both confused and enter- Watch a brand new episode of The Cute tained by this fact: recently some dog lovers congregated at a convention centre in Hershey, Pennsylvania, up angles, planes and shapes, and totally doesn’t cause anyone to go insane. We’re Lovecraft readers, Show! to see Koby the dino dog destroy the and groomed their pets to resemble everything except canines. We saw a dinosaur, that orange falcon thing competition later this month on VICE.com. not mathematicians, so we called up John C. Stillwell, a professor of mathematics at the University of from Harry Potter, Rainbow Brite, Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh and even a hippie. Admittedly it’s a bit San Francisco, to learn something about non-Euclidean geometry. ridiculous, and most likely participation in an event like this is a pit stop on the road to Loserville. But c’mon—it’s pretty adorable. Our favourite was the dinosaur (aka poodl e) named Koby. His owner told Most people have a rough idea of what us how great the breed’s hair is for this sort of competition because it sticks straight out, making it easy Euclidean geometry is. It’s the geometry to sculpt. Turns out they were right! Koby was crowned the winner and went home with a cash prize, an of flat surfaces such as a blackboard or enormous trophy and eternal glory. a table. The typical features of these surfaces are parallel lines, triangles whose angles add up to 180 degrees, and rectangles—figures whose angles are all right angles. It’s a kind of geometry that’s orderly and very simple, and we take many of its properties for granted, such as the ability to make scale drawings—plans of a house, say, that are smaller than the actual house, but exactly the same shape. There are many other types of geometry, however. Perhaps the one that people can understand most easily is the geometry of the sphere, because we live on a sphere. Geometry is different on a sphere. There are “lines” on a sphere; namely, the great circles, such as the equator. These lines are straight from the viewpoint of creatures living on the sphere, but they behave differently from lines in the plane. The angles of a spherical triangle add up to more than 180 degrees, and lines are not infinite— they come back to where they started. Also, the shape of a triangle depends on how big it is; the bigger the triangle, the bigger the sum of its angles. So that’s one kind of geometry you might call non-Euclidean. Non-Euclidean geometry arises because of curvature. The convex kind of curvature exemplified by spheres is called positive curvature, but there’s also negative curvature, which is the curvature that you have on a saddle-shaped surface. If you imagine trying to join are infinitely long. The crucial difference Thanks to exponential growth, the a whole lot of identical saddle-shaped is that every line can have many paral- circumference of a modest-size circle in surfaces together to form an infinite lels, and some of them are lines that get the hyperbolic plane can be huge. This surface, you find that it gets crinkly closer and closer together but never meet. is why a surface of constant negative and crumpled; it doesn’t fit easily in In Euclidean geometry, parallels just stay curvature becomes crinkly as it grows Euclidean three-dimensional space. But the same distance apart. The property larger. Euclidean three-dimensional in principle, such surfaces can exist. of having many parallels causes hyper- space is not a good environment for Hyperbolic geometry is the geometry bolic geometry to diverge from Euclidean exponential growth. Sadly, this is bad of an infinite surface of constant nega- geometry in other ways, too. In particu- news for the human population, which tive curvature. It is what people usually lar, the angle sum of a triangle is always also tends to grow exponentially. If we mean when they speak of non-Euclidean less than 180 degrees, and the circumfer- live in a Euclidean three-dimensional geometry. Hyperbolic geometry is closer ence of a circle grows exponentially with space—which seems to be very nearly the to Euclidean than spherical geometry is, the radius (instead of being proportional case—population growth will always be because in hyperbolic geometry the lines to radius, as in the plane). curbed by geometry.

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UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 122 11-11-29 1:12 PM UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 123 11-11-29 1:12 PM SKINEMA VIDEO GAMES KILLED THE RADIO STAR BY CHRIS NIERATKO BY JON BLYTH

It’s cool to be cynical about the motives of the tactile response of a cat in a bath. This games publishers, isn’t it? I mean, when has been out on the Wii for a while, but now Batman: Arkham City (Warner Interactive, it’s bringing that special brand of torturously Xbox, PS3, PC) imposed an artificial limit in unresponsive scrawling to the more powerful their game, so that people buying it second- consoles. The Instant Artist game that comes hand wouldn’t be able to play as Catwoman with it has its charms, but technical com- without paying extra... that was rude, right? petence and user-friendliness aren’t among So when Skylanders: Spyro’s Adventure them. The icons frequently bear no relation Batman: Arkham City (Activision, most consoles and handhelds) to their function. There’s a Pictionary game came out, I thought I was on pretty safe you can buy separately—bumping your total ground lazily pre-hating it. The deal is this: spend to stupidland—and it, too, is horren- you buy the game and you get a “Portal of dous, dutiful shit. Power” with it, a glowing USB pedestal that Back to proper games, then. I’m putting off you plug into whatever console you have. talking about Need For Speed: the Run (EA, You also get three toys. Here’s the magical bit PS3, Wii, Xbox 360) mainly because this is a that I wish had been a part of my own child- genre in which I’m a proven idiot. Cars and hood—the toys transmit data to the portal, so making them go down roads leave me entirely when you put your toy on it, they fwip into the tingle-free. I’m not taking any kind of gaming Need for Speed: the Run game. Level them up, and the toy’s chip levels high-ground here—I’ve spent the last month up. So you can put your toy on another portal, levelling training a six-foot-tall cat to pick even if it’s on a different console. pockets in Skyrim. I’m pathetic. It’s a system with inherent problems—it’s But when I do have to give an opinion on the only game where your character progres- car games, I tend to parrot what my respected sion can get lost down the back of the sofa, colleagues have told me over a cynically staged or get extorted out of you by a larger child. conversation. Oh, the graphics are good, are But even if you don’t destroy your toys, there they, but let down by choppy frame rates? And are 29 others to collect, and after the first there are a lot of cars to unlock. Interesting. half-hour of the game you begin to notice But the racing process is plagued by slippery Skylanders: Spyro’s Adventure something’s amiss. You’re discovering skills handling and the overall ambitious theme of for creatures you don’t own. Getting shown travelling the breadth of the United States is adverts for creatures who can do amazing obscured by the fact that it’s fractured into a My life has taken a very strange turn. I have found The photo above was taken after Halloween. Me stuff that you can’t. bunch of short, disconnected races. Well, it’s myself domesticated, with very little contact with the and the kids are now wearing costumes every day to Areas are locked off because you don’t have been lovely catching up. Hope the wife’s well. outside world. My two daily companions, whom I do keep things interesting. I think my Top Gun “need a toy of the right category (there are eight Dead, you say? Jesus. I didn’t ask for your life most of my conversing with, are ages two years and for speed” (or was that Days of Thunder?) is putting types, so to completely beat the game, all it story, mate. four months; neither is doing much to hold up their everyone in the house on edge. My wife, 1½ kids, dog takes is five new £5-8 toys). Luckily, you’re Assassin’s Creed: Revolutions (Ubisoft, end of the dialogue. Suddenly I am living vicariously and picket fence are all looking at me like I’m an insane given a poster with all the characters on it, so PC, Xbox 360, PS3) milks the Ezio teat of the through others, via texts and emails, in hopes of retain- fugitive packing suitcases, muttering, “Let’s just go to if you are a seven-year-old, you can press your Assassin’s Creed 2 udder sac dry, wringing one ing any sense of adventure. I think playing the role of the airport and get on a plane to somewhere. Maine? Assassin’s Creed: Revolutions palm on one of the creatures and say, “That’s final full and delicious glass of free-running Michael Keaton in Mr Mom is giving me cabin fever. Madagascar? Who cares? Let’s go. You! The little one, the one I want, and if it’s not there before two milk into the plastic beaker of... gameplay? The madness is setting in. To stay sane I have a number grab your jacket, the Batman costume and the rubber sleeps have passed, so help me God.” Yeah, that’ll do. Constantinople is the best lo- of skaters across the country forward me the nudes that chicken! We have no idea what kind of trouble we So, I’d have thought that I’d be universally cation yet, although Ezio’s new skills mainly girls text them on their travels, the ATL Twins call a might run into!” The older one is my rock. He grounds admired for having an easy pop at Activision involve bombs and employing mucky tactics few times a week to fill me in on their sexual conquests me with comedy. He shows me the best way to drown for creating a thing that children would ask like spuffing animal blood into a crowd to VICARIOUS with strippers and their surreal life of sharing the same out the crying is to laugh even louder. Last week he their parents to buy for them. Turns out, shift attention away from the fact you’re stab- Dir: Bobbi Starr bed (even when one of them has the flu), and sometimes stood naked in the bathtub; seeing the frustration on right, Activision aren’t the first people to bing everyone in the neck. Rating: 9 my dominatrix friend with 72 MMM boobs puts me my face, he said, “Daddy. Come.” So I leaned into market toys at children. The game itself is Where Brotherhood added the assas- on speakerphone so I can hear her administer punish- him; he opened his arms and wrapped them around absolutely rock solid fun for kids, so the only sin recruitment side-game, Revelations does Evinangel.com/Bobbistarr.com ment. I’m so starved for the chaos of life that I got into me and squeezed me tight. Then he pissed all over my The uDraw Tablet caveat really is: be aware that you’re prob- something that leaves you wondering if they’re a high-speed chase with a man who rear-ended me and chest. He’s quite masterful in his comedic timing. Just ably going to spend around £70-90 to unlock desperate for ideas. If you draw enough atten- took off just for the fun of it, I tried to wrestle a foaming yesterday he smiled the biggest smile America has ever the whole game, and a couple of hundred if tion to your actions, the templars will catch stray pit bull into submission in my neighbourhood last seen; he walked over to me and shook my hand. And you’re completely spineless and your kid is an whiff of one of your safehouses and you’ll get week (in the end I had to climb on top of a parked boat laughed. “What’s so funny, boy?” He looked down at entitled monster. pulled out of the game to play a... tower de- and wait for the police and K-9 Unit to arrive), and I’ve his hand in mine. My eyes followed. I saw they were In its favour, Skylanders is a new and pretty fence game. It feels like a bit of a backward stopped looking to see if the bag I’m using to pick up both covered in shit from him sticking his hand into his cool gimmick—and it works. Which is more step in a world that’s otherwise perfectly dog shit each morning on my walk has holes in it (I call poopy nappy. I told him, “That’s not funny,” but we than can be said for the uDraw Tablet (THQ, pitched. Ezio’s finale takes us all to the elastic it Suburban Roulette.) A friend of mine was robbed at both know that it is, in fact, very, very funny. He is my Xbox 360, PS3, Wii), which combines the limit of human tolerance. It’s still great, and an gunpoint and I told him, “That’s fantastic! Tell me all saviour. His antics keep me out of the loony bin. price of an entry-level Wacom Bamboo pen essential for fans of the last four games—and about it. Wait. Let me grab a beer first. OK. Go!” For more stupid, go to Chrisnieratko.com or NJskateshop.com and tablet with a shit plastic tray that has all it leaves us ready for something new.

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UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 124 11-11-29 1:12 PM UK v9n12 003-130 (Final).indd 125 11-11-30 9:43 AM REVIEWS REVIEWS

BEST ALBUM OF THE MONTH: WORST ALBUM OF THE MONTH: UNCLE ACID AND THE DEADBEATS MR OIZO

her cat purple. When Wiley’s not doing really peculiar DREXCIYA ENCOFFINATION “Helter Skelter”. Imagine the following, however: in impersonations (one song sees him ordering taxis in lots Journey of the O’ Hell, Shine In Thy 1970, it transpires “Paul” has murdered George for of silly accents, while in another musically bereft track Deep Sea Dweller I Withed Sepulchres being too nice. John has got really, really into Black he recounts a trip through immigration control in which Clone Archasm Sabbath and Ringo has stayed exactly the same. Uncle DRAKE he plays a check-in girl, two police officers and himself), MR OIZO Acid and the Deadbeats is heavy psych rock for mous- Take Care he raps in a Brian Belo voice about stuff like dancing Stade 2 Drexciya are kind of like the Velvet Underground in Writers are often told to stick to what they know and tachioed Satanists in polyester flares and greasers Island alone in his bedroom and why he’s a “weirdo but not a Ed Banger 9 that they may not have sold a lot of records in their 7 given that Ghoat (not his real name)—the singer/ with venereal disease alike. Exactly like taking acid bi-polar”. Most tragically of all, the beats are so ploddy time, but everyone who’s heard them has tried to copy guitarist from Encoffination—is an assistant funeral on acid. and uninspired they could have come straight off the them in some way, shape or form. Essentially techno, director studying for his final mortuary sciences degree SCORPIO RISING DAMP Until two years ago, Drake was playing a cripple Tyler album. Wait a minute—how is it possible that in the six but manifested in all its savage and tender majesty, during the day, he’s on pretty solid ground with this 8 in a high school drama, and at times on Take PRANCEHALL 1 years that Jackson and His Computer Band have Detroit’s Gerald Donald and James Stinson applied a mirthless dirge cycle. This is the follow-up to last year’s BURZUM Care he comes across as so pathetic you’d think he conspicuously failed to follow up his amazing debut— jazzy sensibility to punishing electro, just as Motown magnificently desiccated Ritual Ascension Beyond Flesh From the Depths of Darkness was still in character. But that’s kind of the reason PUSHA T Smash came out in 2005, remember—his bolshy Parisian had reinvigorated the blues two generations earlier in and has much cleaner production, meaning it sounds Byelobog why this album is so good. I’m into Usher as much Fear of God II: Let Us Pray pal Mr Oizo has managed to churn out four albums of Siri the same city. It’s cool that Clone’s finally remastering more like a good doom/death album instead of the ter- as the next man with the mentality of a 12-year-old GOOD Music/Decon slapstick and spastic nudge-wink disco and make two and reissuing the peerless Drexciyan catalogue over four minal gas hissing into the fetid chamber of justice at girl, but who really wants to hear about the virility films that no one in their right mind would watch and still volumes—this music still deserves the widest possible the godless hour of cleansing. I love Burzum, I’m not going to lie. But when I of a multimillionaire Adonis? R&B is best when its get his cock sucked wherever he goes like he’s some kind audience, and this is the perfect introduction—though ROD STEWART 3 heard about this album—re-recordings of old practitioner is forlorn and depressing—and there’s With Clipse’s last album heading straight to the of electro messiah? Case in point: Stade 2 is named after I think the packaging and presentation could be way Burzum tracks—I was mortified. This was something currently no more self-pitying a crooner-rapper than 7 graveyard, the time was ripe for reinvention. Now the French version of Question of Sport, features a sample more exciting. OFFICE OF FUTURE PLANS many ghosts of metal’s past had tried and failed miser- Drake. Sure, tales about strippers not caring about that Malice is in the arms of God, his brother Pusha T of Radio 1 jock Annie Mac on “Oral Sax” and, in “Douche SUBURBAN DWIGHT S/t ably at before, so why would this fare any better? Well, his feelings and Rihanna or whoever using him as a embraces GOOD and Kanye, the only living being with a Beat”, has a track that’s more annoying than its title. If Dischord it doesn’t. Thankfully, he hasn’t modernised the tracks, sex object may be ridiculous and conceited, but it’s higher opinion of himself than the supreme deity. This it sounds this terrible it must be... well, terrible, I guess. just recomposed them as they were apparently originally surprising what you can get away with if the hook’s may be half comprised of summer’s mixtape, but it cuts LES PANINI intended. But why bother? Most of the tracks are THE catchy and the production is as brilliantly weird as away the flab, adds the incredible “Trouble on My Mind” Everyone has a thing for Dischord, a bit like a thing SAME, with the vocals maybe easier for the public to di- it is on here. and in its lean power is a rare highlight in a rotten year IN TRANCE 95 6 that one might have for an ex-girlfriend that you gest now, but aside from one track that had synths and CHEEKY BANTER for rap. Cities of Steel and Neon CRAFT haven’t seen for years, but sometimes think about while now has guitars, this is a total waste of time. Just buy STEVE WHY Minimal Wave Void looking into the distance and going a bit misty-eyed. It is the first two records, which are far, far superior. WILEY Carnal important to be grown-up and accept the fact that they ABBATH INGAPE Evolve or Be Extinct DUBBLEDGE are never going to totally blow your mind again, but that Big Dada Dubbledge vs the Boondocks Back in the late 80s when Greeks could afford doesn’t mean you can’t occasionally wallow in the past LOU REED & METALLICA Hidden Agenda 8 basics like keyboards and electricity, Athens duo The odd thing about a lot of first wave and early (by which I mean listen to a record made by gentlemen Lulu In Trance 95 were leading lights of the city’s synth- 8 true Norwegian black metal is how party-hearty a of a certain age that sounds a bit like Jawbox). Vertigo Considering Wiley’s erratic back catalogue (Da wave scene—and let’s face it, there was nothing more lot of it sounds by comparison to what’s going on now. EL PEE 3 Second Phaze aside, maybe), I wasn’t expecting Watford’s finest is also one of the UK’s laziest MCs, dramatic than an Athenian goth in 1991. Tastefully Craft have been away for six years but they stride back his latest effort to be a classic, but I don’t think I’ll 6 this being his first album in four years, with just compiled as ever by New York’s Minimal Wave label, into a black metal scene full of concept albums about the UNCLE ACID AND God, Lou Reed sounds brittle. He sounds like an old ever be able to come to terms with just how bad this one mixtape to his name since then. This only half sus- these ten songs suggest In Trance’s Alex Machairas and mid-Atlantic carrier bag gyre and people recording music THE DEADBEATS 1 man who wandered into a recording session where is. Realising his past method of lush melodies and tains the energy of the opening tracks, but the man’s Nik Veliotis had the hots for the Cure and Front 242, and that could be called trip-hop and dubstep and indulging Blood Lust other old men were trying hard to remember what it felt endlessly quotable one-liners wasn’t bringing him the political tinge, heavy sampling of Boondocks cartoons in their own tragically romantic way should have been in ambient-acoustic projects, so immediately they sound Svart like not to be super comfy all the time. The sound of mainstream attention he craves, he appears to have and voice that’s forever on the verge of a squawk makes a lot bigger than they were. Obviously they’ve reformed like a lot of fun by comparison. If you want to get together Lou Reed’s voice clashed with the music so much that I completely lost his mind and gone (even more) batshit it one of the more purely entertaining rap albums from now and have a new album out next year and things are with your mates, crack a few beers, listen to something The same try-hard idiots who try and con- thought that maybe multiple pieces of media were play- crazy—and it’s both sad and perversely hilarious to wit- these shores since the nation’s MC talent got seduced looking good, but in my mind they’ll always be doomed that reminds you a bit of Bathory and Darkthrone while 10 vince you that Blowfly invented hip-hop will ing at the same time inside my computer. There are a ness. It’s like coming back from a two-week holiday to by 90s rave synths. to dream, weeping by the Acropolis. So sad. thinking about forests and shit, then Void is the way forward. also have you believe the Beatles invented heavy met- couple of tracks that really rip, but Lou Reed’s singing is find your aunt has full-blown dementia and has dyed TODD PHUTURE THEYDON BOIS GAAHL YOU’LL BE A WOMAN SOON al, instead of just recording the phenomenal one-off, so off-putting that I am certain he came in and recorded

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BEST COVER OF THE MONTH: WORST COVER OF THE MONTH: BLACK BANANAS KATE BUSH

all his vocals in one day without ever hearing the music Not, in all honesty, her best work, so let’s moot the idea turning up all manner of jangle-pop and minimal synth weirdly makes a lot of sense. In fact, for an act whose the way Jaakko does things: strange and beautiful with he was supposed to be singing with. she does the next one with fellow 80s culture-dumpster- records from the 80s that you have never heard of but insufferable retro shtick makes Mad Men look like radi- a side order of deep-fried question mark. PASTOR OF PUPPETS jumper James Ferraro. are extremely good regardless. To be honest, he could cal science fiction, this is probably the perfect She & THANDIE NEUTRON LUIGI PATAZONI probably get away with all sorts now. “Look, a shoegaze Him album. band from 1990 that you’ve never heard of!” he’d say. MARY KRIZZMAS COUM TRANSMISSIONS GROUP INERANE HALINA LARSSON “Another lost gem!” And I’ll just quietly mouth the words Sugarmorphoses Guitars From Agadez Vol. 3 Fires and French Horns “Yes, Mike, the Emperor is wearing clothes. The Emperor THE BIG PINK Dais Sublime Frequencies Catalyst is wearing clothes.” Future This PRINZHORN WALTER DA SOFTY 4AD DANCE SCHOOL Back before Psychic TV and inventing the idea of I like these bands who hail from some war-torn part Clay Class This gal’s voice goes from being honey-soft like the WINO & CONNY OCHS 8 techno, before Throbbing Gristle and inventing 5 of Africa and match their gleaming Rickenbackers DFA 8 whisper of a Tinkerbell fairy to what can best be Heavy Kingdom The Big Pink are back and they’ve got a new logo the entire idea of dark music, Genesis P-Orridge was in with the clothing of Berber nomad warriors, so it’s al- described as the cries of a plus-size gospel singer real- Exile On Mainstream 7 designed by Jiro Bevis. It’s the word “BIG” coloured this performance art group with Cosey Fanni Tutti where ways a little bit disconcerting to be reminded that their Whereas most bands sound like they exist as a ising there’s no more cheesecake left in the fridge. What pink—see what they’ve done there? Musically, the they’d cut themselves up nude onstage and spray bloody droning, electrified desert blues is actually the product 7 means to get girls and free drugs, Prinzhorn Dance I’m trying to say here is that her voice is pretty mes- boat is not being rocked in any meaningful fashion on enema water all over one another’s (nude) bodies while of long periods of time sat on the floor of tents listening School sound a bit like they formed as part of a therapy merising. I can’t make up my mind whether the music’s Old Scott “Wino” Weinrich is going through Future This, but if you like your choruses epic and your all their contemporaries were busy saluting the sun at to bootleg cassettes of Dire Straits records. group shortly after both members—intense boy, slightly what you’d call folk or blues-y soul. Instead, I’m going to 6 changes. For one, he looks more and more like riffs kind of grungy, then say hello to your new BFFs, Glastonbury. This is a recording from 1974 that incorpo- CHILL DAVE more intense girl—were involved in some sort of terrible pretend she’s from a clan called the Blue Soul Folks who, a wizened old oak growing in a spooky forest with “1313” and “Stay Gold”. Elsewhere, Laurie Anderson’s rates a broken piano being played along with a scratchy accident. Signed to DFA, they do boast some familiar in my mind, are like the Blue Man Group but consisting each passing year. For another, he is continuing to “go “O Superman” gets trashed in Efes on “Hit the Ground reel-to-reel of Genesis’s voice. The music was recorded SALLY SMMIT AND dance-punk signifiers—scratchy rhythmic guitar, ESG- of bluesy Bavarian beauts who do tricks with their voices acoustic”, which considering he used to front hardcore (Superman)” and there are some other songs that re- at the Coum Transmissions headquarters, known as the HER MUSICIANS ish bass, four-to-the-floor kickdrum. Add that, though, and then drink beer from a jug between their boobs. sludge merchants Saint Vitus, is kind of a different mind me of Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine. Did I Ho Ho Funhouse, and there’s an explanation of what the Hangahar to lyrics about municipal buildings and “government PETIT LOUP thing. Much sombre fingerpicking and musings about enjoy it? Yes, I did. Thanks for asking. whole deal was like written by Gen in the liner notes. Drag City/Groovy handouts” delivered in the sort of flat intonation of a the “heavy kingdom of hell” here, suggesting that one CANARY DWARF Getting to hear Genesis’s stories is a real pleasure, so couple having a passive-aggressive argument outside CALEXICO day soon he might literally burst through the floor of this record is boss for two reasons. Also, there are only Sally Smmit existed for an afternoon or two in a corner shop and you basically have the furthest thing Selections From Road Atlas Jools Holland’s studio like roots breaking concrete and KATE BUSH 1,000 of them, so get on it already, Shylock. 7 1980 when one Sally Timms, soon to be singer for from aspirational dance music that ever existed. In a 1998–2011 sow himself into the earth to grouse gruffly about dark 50 Words For Snow NICK GAZIN the Mekons, knocked out this 35-minute junkshop jam good way, I’m fairly sure. City Slang times for all eternity. EMI in a shed in Manchester. Aided and abetted by Pete NED BUNGER CHARLES HANSON JAAKKO EINO KALEVI Shelley of the Buzzcocks, whose short-lived Groovy Hey old friend, let’s each pour out a dram of single Töölö Labyrinth label is being reissued by Drag City, Hangahar starts BLACK BANANAS 3malt and slip on those expensive headphones we SHE & HIM It’s a shame that the title track to this album JEKS off like a Cocteau Twins rehearsal before stumbling Rad Times Xpress IV saw advertised in the Sunday Times Culture section and A Very She & Him Christmas 6 doesn’t feature Stephen Fry reciting 50 made- into a drone haze and tripping over pots and pans and Drag City reminisce about those days we used to listen to post- Domino up synonyms for cocaine over a lolloping, jazzy break: bits of garden furniture. It’s good stuff, and if you’re rock before turning into total alt.country bores for ever “21, Nose Burster. 22, Membraning Blood. 23, Whore Last time we spoke with Jaakko he was driving into the poorly recorded meanderings of Not Not Fun or and ever and ever. Maker. 24, Chisel Dust…” Instead he’s listing words 9 Finnish band KXP around southern Europe on tour, Hippos In Tanks, then this’ll be another record you’ll Bit loathe to speak ill of the dead and that, but CANNED ENZ The Christmas record is a magical idea that for snow but it still works. We’re talking about the selling their merch and sometimes opening for them on buy and listen to once. The other Groovy LPs worth 5 how is it that booze and heroin destroyed Amy 5 comes to every band, usually around December, genius who collaborated with Prince and Lenny Henry stage. At the moment he’s in South America, vibing out investigating are Pete Shelley’s Sky Yen, which he re- Winehouse’s work rate and killed her after two albums DEARDARKHEAD so we should be thankful that most groups are too stu- on a track without it being rubbish here, after all. This in Caracas until February, when who knows how much corded when he was 19 and didn’t release until after when Jennifer Herrema—for Black Bananas is her— Oceanside: 1991–1993 pid to get it together to even learn “Jingle Bells”, let LP comprises seven lengthy, piano-led songs around a new material he’ll have ready to go. In the meantime the Buzzcocks had burned brightly and fizzled out, has just racked up her 97th album of gonzo heavy metal Captured Tracks alone record it. But it’s the ones who actually bother to wintery theme (including “Misty”, a rumination on there’s his latest CD to digest, Töölö Labyrinth, available and £3.33 by ramshackle collective the Free Agents. boogie? It probably isn’t much to do with a new commit- get sentimental with “Little Saint Nick” that you need fucking a snowman) and despite it featuring bewigged from his jeksviihde.com site along with three excel- If you’re after actual tunes, you might get lucky with ment to clean living. “Get me some weed,” she orders on to worry about. She & Him are creepy enough with- bellowing walrus Elton John, it still manages to be chilly lent cassette releases and the best single of last year, the self-titled album by Strange Men In Sheds With “TV Trouble”, as her band carefully recreate the sensa- Captured Tracks man Mike Sniper has become out the smug festive vibes, and so hearing Zooey go and bewitching. “Gordon” by Jaakko’s new-wave trio, Yön Syke. Freestyle Spanners: post-punk Manc improv at its weirdest. tion of sniffing glue in a strip club of your nightmares. 4 quite the don for a particular sort of reissue, gooey all over “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas” ON CHISEL BEACH cocktail jazz is the order of the day here, but done JENNIFER JUPITER

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