MARCH 21, 2016 TheHow to be an accountant OMMENTATORKey Career Guidance For Volume LXXXI C dent Newspaper of Yeshiva College, Sy Syms School of Cheating, and Yeshiva University • www.yucommentator.org Purim Issue President Joel to Offer New Sy Syms Course Entitled: How to Count to Negative 150 By Daniel Gordonstein At a recent Town Hall, President Richard Joel excitedly announced that though many qualified professors have been denied tenure or let go, his greatness himself will return to the classroom to share wisdom with students. Building on his experience of years guiding Yeshiva University’s budget the course will outline exactly how to count to negative 150. (Though the course origi- nally was going to involve counting to negative 150 million, the administration decided that this was far above the first grade math skills of the average Syms student.) Describing the syllabus of the course, his ho- liness explained that there was no exact written syllabus, but that he would just kind of assume that there was leftover material he could use. “Classes are kind of like budgets- you just wing it, and everything will be fine.” Quoting his influences for this class, President Joel cited his longtime mentor Bernard Madoff. “Bernie taught me about how money works. And the way money works is however you want it to work. Do you want to spend tons of money with- out bothering to check if you have that money? Sure, you can do that. If it turns out wrong, just blame it on some other guy, and increase your salary.” SEE 150, CONTINUED ON PAGE 2 Concept designs for a new mural in Nagel, after students rallied to re-design the original. The new design, intended to be less polarizing and offensive, has received overwhelming support. Golan Owner Caught Burglarizing Student’s Dorm Room; Claims That “Student Probably Owed Him Anyways” By Shmuel Becket ever blame him for breaking into my dorm room, threatening my room- mate with a kitchen knife, and stealing pretty much all of my valuables? This week, the owner of the popular restaurant Golan Heights was He’s the best!” caught breaking into a dorm room wearing a black ski mask. When There have been online movements #GolanCannotCommitACrime as asked what he was doing he matter-of-factly said, “Oh, I’m stealing. well as a barrage of YStuds from representatives of YU’s Israel Club But, it’s OK. The kid comes into Golan all the time and uses his caf-card. proclaiming that, “If you think Golan did something wrong, you’re an So, now we’re even.” anti-Semite! You’re no better than the heretic who has a nuanced opin- In response to this, YU and the ion about the Middle Eastern NYPD have both proclaimed that “I GO IN THERE ALL THE TIME AND HE GIVES conflict! Shame on you!” this was “100% theft. There’s lit- But, I think most of the erally no question about it. He ME SUCH DELICIOUS FOOD. HOW COULD I EVER student body’s opinion was admitted to it and should be held BLAME HIM FOR BREAKING INTO MY DORM ROOM, summed up in a Facebook accountable.” However, despite post written by Daniel Abra- this, most of the student body THREATENING MY ROOMMATE WITH A KITCHEN hamson who wrote, “LISTEN seemed to rally behind him. KNIFE, AND STEALING PRETTY MUCH ALL OF MY TO MY OPINION! I HAVE AN “I mean, come on....! The guy OPINION! MY OPINION MAT- was owed my television and cell- VALUABLES? HE’S THE BEST!” TERS!” phone,” said Doron Avraham- - DORON AVRAHAMBERG, SYMS STUDENT, AS HE PAID berg, the victim whose TV and cellphone were stolen. “I go in SOMEBODY TO WRITE AN ESSAY FOR HIM there all the time and he gives me such delicious food. How could I 2 News Monday, March 21, 2016 - 11 Adar II, 5776 Yeshiva University Names Rabbi Jonathan Rosenblatt as President By Moises Squashstein embroiled in our own scandals. We don’t need to YECHIEL SCHWAB add to the count!” Editor-in-Chief In a breaking news announcement this morning, Others, however, claimed that Rabbi Rosenblatt’s Yeshiva University’s Board of Trustees announced unique background is actually what gave him the DANI WEISS the selection of Rabbi Dr. Jonathan Rosenblatt (60) advantage, edging him ahead of other competitors Managing Editor as president of the University, replacing aging presi- including Rabbi Dr. Lord Sir Jonathan Sacks, Jacob dent Richard M. Joel (66). A sought- after lecturer Herenstein, State Senator Adriano Espaillat, and Dr. and leader in the field of rabbinic counseling, Rabbi Norman Lamm. According to Provost Selma Botman, AVI STRAUSS YADIN TEITZ Rosenblatt will reportedly be stepping down from “Rabbi Rosenblatt’s keen ability to handle scandals Senior News Editor Senior Opinions Editor his current position as the Senior Rabbi of River- and persevere and push forward in their wake is ex- DAVID HILLEL FIELD dale Jewish Center, a large synagogue in the River- actly what Yeshiva needs. We anticipate even more RUBINSTEIN Junior Opinions Editor dale section of the Bronx. Born in Baltimore, Rabbi scandals, and capable leaders are those who have Junior News Editor Rosenblatt received a Master’s Degree in Teenager learned from the past and can apply lessons of his- Communications from Johns Hopkins University tory to the present. Just look at how well Assad is ADAM KRAMER DORON LEVINE and a PhD in Modern Squash Playing from Colum- doing!” Furthermore, Botman cited a recent survey Senior Business Editor Senior Features Editor bia University. Said University President Richard that students, faculty, and board members were ETAN NEIMAN ETAI M. Joel, “I am delighted to be forced out of my job asked to fill out as evidence that Rosenblatt would Junior Business Editor SHUCHATOWITZ for such an honorable figure. I wish Rabbi Rosen- be a good fit. “Not a single person objected to his ap- Junior Features Editor blatt the best of luck in his new position, and I am pointment. Not a one.” When pressed about whether confident that he will be the search committee Senior Layout Editor even bothered to look able to steer YU through TZVI LEVITIN whatever the future may “AT TIMES LIKE THESE, AS I SIT at the survey results, bring.” Rosenblatt, in HERE AGONIZING OVER LAYOUT, Botman demurred, an exclusive interview saying that the im- Layout Editors with the Commentator, I CAN'T HELP BUT WONDER IF portant point is that SHIRA FEEN revealed, “I have been ANYBODY EVER READS THESE PULL a new president has dreaming about being been selected, and Staff Writers the president of YU for QUOTES.” that there’s no use ARTHUR SCHOEN quite some time now. - TZVI LEVITIN looking behind us. EVAN AXELROD The salary, the house, Rosenblatt is ex- AREL LEVKOVICH the office, the Stanton pected to fill the po- EITAN LIPSKY Fellow…I think that I’ll sition in September JOEY CHESIR be a wonderful fit for this institution, and I think of 2016. He already has big changes in store for the BENJAMIN KOSLOWE University. “I’ve taken a look at YU’s finances, and that I embody all that YU is looking for in a leader.” URI SHALMON The majority of the Roshei Yeshiva at YU were I’ve found areas where we can cut to make signifi- AARON SZYDLO pleased with the selection. Rabbi Hershel Schachter, cant improvements to our bottom line. The key here considered to be the preeminent Rosh Yeshiva, said is attracting more students, and I have ways to do ELIE LIPNIK “Baruch Hashem. We, like the historic Chashmonay- that. Take First Year Writing. Who needs it? I didn’t JONATHAN LIVI im, were finally able to be mitaher the mikdash.” learn how to write in college, and many college grad- BENJAMIN ZIRMAN Said Rabbi Mordechai Willig, “I cannot think of any- uates still don’t know how to write. Goodbye to all KOCHAVA LONDON one more suitable for this position. With semikha that!” With the added windfall, Rosenblatt says that from YU and a PhD, YU is finally back on the path he plans to make improvements to YU’s athletics MICHAEL PERES set by its historic leaders, Revel, Belkin, and Lamm. department. “I plan on significantly expanding the Programmer That other one is good to go.” It was unclear if either sauna and adding more hours. We’ll even be insti- AVIAD SAPIR of them were commenting on the well-documented tuting daily “Schvitz with the President” sessions, in Business Manager protests to the appointment of President Richard M. which students will be invited to confide in me in a YONI FLEISCHMANN Joel (66) in 2003. Others, however, including Rab- warm and open environment. Furthermore, we’ll be Junior Business Manager bi Jeremy Wieder, were bothered by recent stories building all new squash courts for our new squash emerging in the press accusing Rosenblatt of inap- team. And lastly, the President’s Office will be relo- propriate conduct with young men. Said Rabbi Wie- cated from Belfer Hall to Rubin Hall, so that I can be der, “The man played squash. This is who we want right on top of everything and everyone.” The Commentator is the official student for president? This is who we want as the face of *Ed. Note: Faculty and students were not invited newspaper Yeshiva University? We as an institution have been for comment on this article. of Yeshiva University. For 81 years, The Commentator has served students and administrators as a commu- nicative conduit; a kinetic vehicle dissemi- 150, CONTINUED FROM FRONT PAGE no idea, but that’s part of the beauty of this course.