BLUE WAVE NEWS P R I N T E DITI O N

BLUE WAVE NEWS p r I N T E DITI O N

V o l u m e 70, I s s u e 6 A p r i l 2 0 0 8 Volunteering Made Mandatory Failure To Lend a Helping Hand Now Punishable By Unspeakable Horrors Nick Phillips the Code of Volunteerism, which out- have been laid out for the construc- life of a dying soldier,” said promi- er. Smaller volunteer bodies such as ————————————————————————————— nent Invisible Children official Zoe Co-Editor In Chief lines the new official ideology of DHS. tion of no less than five Nicaraguan China Care complain of monopoliza- It mandates, among other things, the schoolhouses, two Ugandan orphan- Reiches. “I want to be like that nurse, tion by Invisible Children and other In what can only be described as replacement of free periods with com- ages and an entire village for displaced and I think any students who don’t larger clubs, which likewise com- a dramatic policy shift, the DHS ad- pulsory voluntary work sentences and Katrina victims in the Hudson Valley must suffer the consequences.” plain of constant misappropriation of ministration working in tandem with the strict rationing of after-school and to be dubbed “Camp Compassion.” Already, daily life at DHS volunteer hours and project priorities. student volunteer clubs has delivered weekend free time. has taken a different turn in recent “Invisible Children encourages our a stark mandate to its students: volun- To enforce the admittedly strin- weeks. As the administration and the erstwhile comrades in Building with teer, or else. gent new policy of mandating volun- Governing Council rush to meet wild Books to recognize that the plight Emboldened by the “blank check” teerism among students, administra- “If you choose volunteer-hour quotas and complete of the Ugandan war-orphans vastly provided by the successful DHS tive officials have assembled a Grand various “prestige projects,” class time trumps the educational needs of Latin Volunteer Assembly, the administra- Executive Volunteerist Governing not to make a is being increasingly utilized to further American youth, and would like to see tion has pushed to enact what it be- Council, made up of student delega- the cause of volunteerism. Biology funding and hours allotted according- lieves is the only way to guarantee tions from each charitable club or or- difference, we’ll classes have been delivered strict ly,” Zoe Reiches said. Building with proper levels of caring and compassion ganization in the school. While each make the choice quotas for the planting of beautiful Books was unable to issue a response among DHS students. club is granted voting power in deci- flowerbeds in public parks, while the due to weakness brought on by hunger “Either they volunteer and start sions over enforcement of the new for you.” F-Wing has been transformed into a strike in protest of falling literacy rates giving back to the community, or we Code of Volunteerism, special veto headquarters for an urban street-mural in the Third World. will rain a fiery death from the heavens power has been assigned to Invisible The Governing Council reports record and one-room-schoolhouse bookcase The Code of Volunteerism is here above,” said a determined yet anony- Children, DAWG, Building with student enthusiasm for these projects, production. English classes are seeing to stay, as more and more DHS stu- mous school administrator in a state- Books, and Kids Giving Back. These with all 1,149 DHS students signing a growing proportion of time devoted dents are impressed with the value of ment issued this morning. “You will four volunteerist bodies are already up to cheerfully lend a compulsory to instruction in basic volunteerist ide- their sympathy for the plight of others. simply not want to be in a position to locked in a heated power struggle, helping hand. ology, and other classes are adjusting “I hope every DHS student chooses find out what will happen if you do with each seeking to implement their “During this year’s volunteer as- to a shortage of basic materials that to help make a difference,” says an not volunteer your time helping those specific volunteer agendas. sembly, we heard from TV journalist have been donated to less fortunate anonymous administrator. “And if you less fortunate out of the goodness of Already, Darien High School ap- Scott Pelley, who told us about the school districts. choose not to make a difference, we’ll your heart.” pears to be caught up in mandatory army nurse in Iraq who volunteered The Volunteer Revolution has make the choice for you.” The administration has circulated “volunteer fever.” Ambitious plans the very blood in her veins to save the not been without its critics, howev- Student and Teacher Meet Inside World of Warcraft, Awkwardness Ensues Mike Klein ————————————————————————————— Managing Editor It’s 2:30 a.m. on a Friday night and I can’t get to bed. I decide that a little World of Warcraft would keep me preoccupied while I tried to doze off. Little did I know I was in for the Warcraft sesh of my life. Upon signing on to my account, Joobs, I entered Azeroth on the realm of Bladefist on my female Troll Shadow Priestess. I met up with my guild members Mr. Keeler’s WoW Character in the Undercity (where the Undead When the results showed up, one claim their capital city). Our guild, the name stuck out like a sore thumb. The sErVAntZz of LuV, preceded to enter a On left, DHS volunteers name was KeelDAWG, and he was in Battleground. Upon entering Warsong pitch in to dig the John Kerr: Neirad’s Student of the fact a part of the guild that I faced off Gulch, or “the gulch” as I like to call foundation of a new home against earlier in the day. I joined the it, we engaged in a battle against the Month for April guild that KeelDAWG was a part of. for Katrina refugees. On Alliance (the opposing force, basically Nick Phillips Upon joining guild American Pride, right, happy camper Greg ————————————————————————————— the good guys). When the battle com- Co-Editor in Chief of which KeelDAWG was the leader Klein hams it up for the menced, I entered the opposing ene- of, I went into guild chat to talk to Every now and then, Neirad my’s base only to face a Demonology camera during a project. KeelDAWG. enjoys taking time out of its busy Specced Gnome Warlock in full Void The guild was in the process schedule to recognize some of the Heart (his epic gear). Disclaimer: Neirad supports of planning a raid of Orgimar, and faces that brighten up the halls of DHS When the battle began, I did not all volunteering - this article the superb leader, KeelDAWG’s first with good deeds, character and kind- know what I was in for. My character words were “This can’t be anything and all other are purely ness. One of those faces belongs to is a level 62/70, where as this illustri- like Waterloo or we are going to get satire. senior John Kerr – Neirad’s Student ous opponent’s was a 70/70. I thought p00ned and that CANT HAPPEN. O of the Month for April. that I could make a good stab at defeat- and btw we have a new member to John often lends a helping hand ing the Gnome Warlock, or so my fat welcome to the guild. Joobs, welcome during class time. John was recently John Kerr accepts the Student ego thought. The Gnome p00ned me In This Issue to teh gang.” My next words were “Mr. spotted encouraging some less ath- of the Month Award from Mr. like an uber n00b. He used his shadow Keeler, is that you?” which was fol- Free Money...... 2 letic students in his gym class to get Record, who said John is “a bolt to cause serious damage and then lowed by, “OH CRAP!” involved by using them as person- model student.” finished me off with a critical strike The ensuing awkwardness made al human shields during dodgeball. of unstable affliction. My pride was Fun Scratch ‘n Sniff Meg Gilbert. “I mean, who else could me question everything I knew about “Those kids might otherwise have destroyed. I had my proverbial WoW think something like that? He’s so cre- what a history teacher was supposed Activity...... 3 sulked on the sidelines, but John got tush handed to me. The p00ning was ative.” to be. The same man that taught me them excited to participate,” hawk- of such epic proportion that I felt ob- John is not only a super athlete about the Gulf of Tonkin was now eyed good deed spotter and dodgeball ligated to find out what this player’s Terrible Abstract Student on the field – he’s also a gentlemanly manifested in the form of a dumpy participant Jenny Large said. “Thanks online handle was. spectator off the field. John is well- magical gnome. I took out my confu- Poems...... 6 to John, they felt like they were a valu- Right before I released my spirit, known and well-liked for his use of sion and shock in the only way I knew able part of the game.” I caught a glimpse of part of the play- creative and sporting cheers of en- how – laughter. A teacher whom I re- John also possesses quite the er’s name, and the first part was Keel. Scandalous Gossip couragement during athletic events. vered as a learned man had stooped to funnybone – this guy likes to crack My spirit was released too quickly and “He gets everyone excited to cheer the level of teen and gamer insolence Column...... 9 a joke! One memorable prank oc- I couldn’t see the rest of the name. I for the Blue Wave – he’s such a classy alike. curred when John hilariously decid- quickly signed off of my account and guy,” good friend George Rhein says. That Monday I was not sure what ed to relieve himself in the corner of signed on to my Alliance character to Stickers...... 14 John’s passion is so uncontainable that to expect, but nothing was different. the Depot during the “Techno Rave” seek out this mysterious WoW all-star he’s often banned from attending Blue Neither Mr. Keeler or myself men- event. Everyone appreciated the good- whose name started with Keel. Under Wave sporting events. Wow! tioned the awkward WoW encounter natured humor. “John is such a funny the search menu, I typed Keel, to see A Magical Secret...... 16 Congratulations, John – you’re ever again, and I don’t think that either and crazy guy,” said fellow raver what the results would yield. our pick for Student of the Month! one of us is willing to bring it up. M aA rp rci hl 2 2 0 0 0 8 8

neirad Neirad is a monthly Darien o p ini o n High School student publication. The publication is a forum for student thought, Puppies Are Cuter Than Ponies expression, and journalistic awesomeness; its con- Nick Phillips fairy-tale lie is the puppy, whose pacity to develop a meaningful ————————————————————————————— likely growl and frolic playfully in tent is decided solely by Co-Editor In Chief a manner capable of melting even cuteness rests firmly in the realm bond with its owner. Unlike pup- the hardest of hearts. The pony will of reality. We’ve all seen and held pies, ponies require actual physi- the student editors. A sub- In the past, this editorial page bite your hand in a toothy clamp of a puppy, and we’ve all let a decid- cal force to do what you tell them. scription can be ordered has been a battleground of contro- death. Cute? No. Horrible? Yes. edly feminine “awwwww!” out A puppy will sit and adorably versy and debate. Sensitive issues Another test I encourage before it was too late. Everybody “shake” your hand at nothing but for $25. All comments have been discussed here in an ex- skeptics to conduct is to rub the who has actually seen a puppy in his beloved owner’s command. A should be mailed to the plosive manner, hurling students given animal’s tummy. The puppy real life knows they’re adorable. pony won’t move a foot unless you editors at Neirad, 80 High and faculty alike into a spinning will role on his back to facilitate Many, although fewer, people kick his ribs or strike him with a vortex of hullabaloo and brouhaha. the process, and his joy will warm have seen and interacted with a riding crop. This is indicative of Schoool Lane, Darien, CT I would be the last one to sacrifice your soul. A pony will become pony. I have, and they aren’t that the pony’s status as an emotion- 06820. this carefully managed reputation, alarmed and kick you. The evi- great. They’re like small horses ally distant animal. which is exactly why I risk life and dence speaks for itself. and they’re mean! A horse has In conclusion, there is literal- PUBLISHER limb to yet again journey to the The pony’s perceived cute- a physical aesthetic that is more ly nothing my opponents can say edge of editorial journalism. I’ve ness rests entirely on idealized closely related to hard work, to silence my indefatigable con- Andrew Kirkman long repressed this viewpoint for portrayals in the media designed rugged individualism, and fierce viction on this matter. I’ve taken the sake of protecting the school to trick children into buying the competition than magic or spar- a risk by facing such a sensitive from potentially disruptive contro- products of toy corporations. kles, despite the lies the toy com- issue head-on, but that’s what good EDITORS-IN-CHIEF versy, but I just can’t do this any These corporations concoct falsi- panies want you to believe. A journalism is all about. Papers Lindsay Gordon longer. The time is right, which is fied ponies that possess rainbow pony, although smaller, retains serve their readership when they why I must say to all of you – pup- manes, cheerful, human-like eyes this farmyard image. It isn’t that create dialogue and debate about Nick Phillips pies are cuter than ponies. and smiles, sparkling tails that may cute. an issue that was previously ig- You heard me right – and I or may not be capable of magical Much of the puppy’s cute- nored or one-sided. A good edi- stand by my opinion, no matter powers, and large unicorn horns ness rests in his helplessness. A torial encourages people to apply MANAGING EDITORS what you pony people think. There protruding from the forehead. puppy is a ball of fluff that is com- critical thought to this sort of Hadley Green is no way that a rational person Obviously, such a fanciful pletely dependent on your loving, issue, and it is the responsibility of could come to the conclusion that creature inspires children to empty mindful care. A pony, on the other papers to feature this sort of edi- Mike Klein ponies are cuter than puppies, be- their pockets to purchase every- hand, could probably kill you. It torial. Even widespread disagree- Jenny Large cause all of the evidence clearly thing off the toy-store shelves. does not need you, and proba- ment or offenses caused by a good Christy Lattimer demonstrates the exact opposite. Thus, the vast majority of per- bly doesn’t like you. If you walk editorial are merely the inevitable Puppies are not only cuter than ceived pony cuteness levels are behind it, it will kill you. If you side-effects of a healthy, multi- Spencer Matson ponies, they are overwhelmingly, really the result of an elaborate feed it the wrong way, it will kill sided debate. And with that said, I indisputably cuter than ponies. profit scheme by evil corpora- you. Death is a constant risk when say to you thus: puppies are cuter. There are several highly sci- tions seeking to exploit innocent interacting with the supposedly than ponies. ASSISTANT SPORTS entific tests that my doubters can children. Therefore, if you think adorable pony. Is it even possible EDITOR conduct to prove my hypothe- ponies are cute, you hate chil- for such an animal to be adorable? sis. The first test is to engage the dren. No! No I say! Reece Pelley animal with a toy. The puppy will Quite the opposite of this A pony has absolutely no ca- PHOTOGRAPHERS Post 53 Goes 18-1 in 2008 Isabel Castro A Different View Courtney Whiting Mike Klein ————————————————————————————— Managing Editor pony presents more of a challenge Lifesaving Season to any caretaker. Just watch any Jon Stall and Pester Stone DESIGN EDITOR Puppies and ponies. The two ————————————————————————————— recent episode of Rob & Big and Staff Writers (Not Post 53 Affiliates) There will definitely have to be Kevin Ramsey are the most desired animals by it is evident that taking care of a certain reductions and cuts.” children around the world. It is a horse is no easy feat. It has to be For the last 40 years, Post 53 This comes at an inconve- blatant fact that ponies are cuter fed, exercised, cleaned up after, has served as a guardian of perfec- nient time for Darien citizens be- BUSINESS MANAGER and superior in every way to pup- and extensively trained. Of course tion, professionalism, and proper cause according to a recent city- Jenny Large pies. Ponies provide for a real chal- all the same goes for a puppy, but EMS protocols. As an EMS ser- wide census, 37% of Darienites lenge and can actually grow into in reality the training of a puppy vice, Post in every way has mas- think that Darien EMS needs to in- something kids are able to ride and consists of learning how to shake tered the art of patient care and crease its current staff and medical ASSISTANT TO THE enjoy. The challenges and benefits paws, sit and fetch. As a puppy proper morality. Or so we are led range. The recent flaw in Post 53’s of raising and owning a pony far owner, I can say that the most an- to believe. record also may potentially harm BUSINESS MANAGER outweigh those of having man’s noying things that a dog can do is However in recent months, the chances of Darien citizens Mike Klein supposed best friend. to drop his ball in front of you de- news has come forth that Post’s being not financially responsible First off, ponies are a far more manding to play fetch, especially previously untarnished and un- for their own medical transport. dynamic animal than a puppy could when I am trying to write an edito- scathed lifesaving records became “The years before Post 53 STAFF WRITERS ever dream to be. Ponies grow rial. On the other hand, the pony imperfect on Sunday February 3, came were pretty expensive times.” Lizzie Kirst into horses, which have the abil- presents a real challenge. To be 2008. reminisces veteran Darienite Doris ity to hold a human on them in able to master training a pony is an “We at Post are embarrassed Hanson, “In 1964 when my dear Priscilla Lombardi order to ride, otherwise known as art. Why do you think horse train- by last season’s outcome.” Post Mort, may he rest in peace, had his Meg Murphy horseback riding. This allows for ers are so well revered and highly 53’s student President Starlyna infarction, I was hesitant to call the romantic horseback rides on the paid throughout the equestrian Stralahan admitted, “Although Stamford Paramedics; it was just Reece Pelley beach while the wind is blowing community? Training a horse is it’s unfortunate that we cannot so much money to pay for a ride Joe Simonson in said lovers’ hair while the sun such a great feat that THE Robert give our patients 100% chance of to the hospital. But since the kids ever so slowly sets. How many Redford directed and starred in a making it to the hospital in one came along with their ambulances Chris Shaker romantic dogback rides have there 170 minute feature film called the piece anymore, we have begun to and their free trips to the hospitals, Will Wygal been in history? Rhetorical ques- “The Horse Whisperer”. What do adapt our protocols to work with I have been calling 911 for every- tion, none. The extent of romanti- dogs get? They get a show called the new 99%.” thing from seizures to ‘difficulty cism in the dog’s arsenal is giving the “Dog Whisperer” that is hosted Since its inception in 1969, breathing’.” NEIRAD ENILNO sloppy kisses to its owner and so by someone that can’t properly Post 53 has provided Darien with Post 53’s “imperfection” iron- Priscilla Lombardi called “best friend”. pronounce the words “dog” or an expense-free ambulance service ically came on the last day of the In the entertainment world, “whisperer.” that until the latest season held season. Previous to this incident, Kim Michels horses are far more revered than As far as the physical as- unparalleled standards. Darien the organization had maintained puppies ever have been. Horse pects of both of the animals are EMS manages three ambulances perfection for the 25th year in a races like the Kentucky Derby are concerned, a pony is far supe- that stand ready to respond to any row. ENILNO ADVISOR well-respected events, attended rior to a puppy. In one on one emergency (whether real or con- “We’re going to up our game Sean Otterspoor by some of the most prestigious combat, I would place all of my ceived) that occurs in our town. for next season,” replies EMS people in society, where as dog money on the pony to trample the With an enormous yearly budget, Director Tim Rennington, “No racing is considered to be an ac- puppy. The sheer size and speed this organization does not depend more mistakes. If a patient stops ADVISOR tivity attended by mostly low rent of a pony would be more than on any governmental funding and breathing again, we’ll be on it like Stacey Wilkins hicks who enjoy animal exploita- enough to obliterate the life of a runs solely off of donations gener- stink on a hog.” tion and is compared to monster small weak-minded puppy. The ated by the annual Limette Doble Short of perfection by one truck rallies. Even here in Darien, brute strength and speed of a horse Memorial Art Show/Memorial individual, there will certainly be PRINCIPAL every summer there is a three day are shown all throughout society. Day Food Fair. changes that Darien will begin to horse show that takes place at the There is a reason that cars have “It’s not so much our reputa- see in Post 53. The first of which Dan Haron Ox Ridge Hunt Club, yet there are HORSEpower not dogpower. tion that I’m worried about; it’s is already present in the recently zero dog shows in Darien. In conclusion, ponies are the donations.” Vice President of updated motto of the town’s faith- PRINTING Furthermore, a dog presents cuter than puppies.To suggest that Operations Chas Creeter states, ful ambulance service. Previously little challenge to its master. The puppies are better than ponies is “We at Post 53 are entirely depen- being, “Darien EMS, Always D’Iorio Printing toughest thing that needs to be almost as ridiculous as saying dent on the generosity of the town There to Help”, the service has taught to a puppy is how NOT to there should be no Black History and now that we are running an recently changed it’s motto to, crap on the kitchen floor and pee Month Assembly. imperfect service, I’m not sure if “Darien EMS, Usually There to on the living room rug. Owning a we can maintain our current staff. Help.” M a r c h 2 0 0 8 MA pa rri cl h 2 0 2 0 0 8 0 8 Cafe Unwittingly Fuels B.E.C. Addiction Chemical Dependency on Bacon Egg Cheese Accidentally Encouraged The following are excerpts from an interview that took place on March 6, 2008. The interviewee (Age 17) and his family chose to remain anonymous due to their upcoming court case against the Darien Public Schools. The words that follow are completely unfiltered; this interview deals with a subject matter that is not suitable for readers under the age of 16. Spencer Matson the first time. I began buying one a day, ———————————————————————————— Managing Editor right before lunch. Then it began to es- calate to two a day. Then three. I soon Spencer Matson: Hello *******, began to skip classes to get the BEC. I thank you all for coming. It’s nice to would buy one a period and then savor meet you Mr. and Mrs. **********. it in the “Faculty Cafeteria”; nobody Father : It’s our pleasure, our son would find me in there. Towards the has told us about the article you are end of it, I was sleeping in the cafeteria writing and we would like to contrib- overnight in one of the recycling bins; ute in any way possible to combat this nobody would find me in there. Neirad evil. I’m told writes with solid F: We ultimately came down journalistic integrity and the goodwill to the school and had to physically of the people in mind? pull him out of that cafeteria. (Looks SM Comment Edited at the : away) It was awful….he hadn’t show- Discretion of Neirad Editor. ered in days…the smell of BEC was Mother : Oh, I see. putrid….we brought him to the Betty SM : But let’s discuss what we’re Ford Center Clinic because we knew here to talk about today. Now *******, of her powers. you have just completed a 90-day pro- SM: So now that you’ve success- gram at the Betty Ford Center for a fully completed the program, what’s Bacon Egg Cheese Addiction (BEC)? your plan now? How was that? F: We have begun proceedings Interviewee (Takes a long : with our lawyers to begin a lawsuit pause) It’s hard to talk about. I think against the Darien Public Schools. If that I was able to win the battle, in they hadn’t given our son the choice to part due to Betty Ford’s gypsy powers, purchase a BEC, he would have never but it took a lot out of me. I remem- become addicted. The Darien Public ber going into the center. I was a com- School Lunch Program has torn this pletely different guy. While there were family apart and if we don’t get ret- certainly plenty of bad things about my ribution.... (A single tear rolls down personality during my years under the his cheek) sway of BEC (the insomnia, the lack This picture depicts a DHS student afflicted with chronic BEC addiction I: (Pats father on shoulder) If of motivation, the breath odor), there we win this case, we will be telling were parts of me that I have lost due SM: I know it’s hard but please three or four kids who were running tantalizing. I….I think that it was the every school system throughout the to the intense therapy. I used to be a tell me about how you first became ad- the mile) and had gone into the cafete- American cheese that drew me… It United States that: “No, it’s not okay star lacrosse player for Darien High dicted to BEC. ria for something to eat before fourth was melting out of the side and was to give your students choice in their School before I fell into the BEC. I I: Well, it was like any other period. For some reason that day, the pooling in a little greasy puddle of joy lunch food.” Because, as was in my used to be a genuine Lax Rat. Today, day although it was a day that I will Bacon Egg Cheeses stood out to me. on the paper plate… case, I just couldn’t handle that kind I can’t even lift a lacrosse stick with- never forget. I had been passing the I had always been a fan of Bacon, SM: And you were hooked? of responsibility. The schools must (Tears well out breaking down in tears. ball around on the turf with a couple Eggs, and Cheese, but put together, I: I don’t think that it was after the be accountable for the eating habits in his eyes) of friends during my free (I had hit I saw something…new…delicious… first time that I was hooked; it never is of the students. Corporal Punishment at DHS Brameier Beat-Downs Teachers Now Permitted to Use Physical Gym Credits Expanded to Include Abuse to Discipline Their Students Five Hours of Manual Labor Mike Klein Chris Shaker ———————————————————————————— items, some provided by the Board of and fun than actual physical abuse, and ———————————————————————————— Managing Editor Education, or they can bring their own I’ve always been a person who is quick Staff Writer the materials needed to build these You may notice something new disciplinary implements from their with words. This new policy just gives Seniors have long been burdened things this year. It’s going to be a fun about the students at DHS. They have own home.” me an excuse to say what is really on with stringent gym class credit require- little project.” more bruises than ever and now walk Many teachers have taken this my mind.” ments. Many students are harassed All gym teachers are instructed with uneasiness and a look of fear in new policy to heart, particularly Mr. As far as the administration’s role by roving bands of gym teachers to to “whip” students if they do not work their eyes. This new climate of terror Egan. “I feel so lucky that I have the in this new policy, they plan to take a make up credits, attend extra classes, hard enough. “Students who protest is the result of a Darien Board of Ed opportunity to not only teach history, more proactive approach. “I person- or worse yet, attend summer school. will be severely punished,” said a (BOE) decision to reintroduce corpo- but use some of the disciplinary tools ally am extremely excited about this These threats may deepen with the ad- new gym teacher in a thick German ral punishment. that the teachers of the day used. My new policy, it sure makes my life a lot ministration’s establishment of a new accent. The Administration is bringing By instituting the new policy, the personal favorite is the ruler to the easier,” Haron said. “Instead of delib- program that will introduce a requisite this new gym teacher in from Baden BOE feels that they can change the be- knuckles because it’s so classically erating a punishment, I can just dole manual labor component into Darien Baden, Germany to literally whip havior of students by beating the pride “American.” out a physical punishment, depend- High School’s gym requirements. the students into shape. His name is and dignity out ing on what the So for those of you who love to Hans Von Schmidt. The German drill of them. Some infraction is.” skip P.E. and go to the café, watch out sergeant said, “All students will be teachers have The weapon because the Board given a number.” Schmidt outlined taken a serious of choice for of Education (BOE) the numerical policy liking to the new the administra- is targeting gym for Neirad as he count- policy: “There tion, according slackers: “We’re out We’re out ed in German, “AINS, are two things to Mr. Haron, is for blood,” Coach “ TSUAI, DRAI, FEER, that please me the Bastinado, Brameier said. ( F U N F ) , Z E C H S , the most in this a wooden pole Coach DeMaio for blood.” Z I E B E N , A C H T, w o r l d , ” s a i d used to smack supports Brameier’s NOIN, TSAYN.” English teacher the bottoms of enthusiasm for the Principal Dan Mr. Pavia, “one feet when chil- new policy. DeMaio says he’s sick of Haron is fully behind the new pro- of those is the dren misbehave. managing the fields and the injured gram. He seemed just as excited about gratification of History teacher kids. “I thought it was time to have the it as Coach B. Haron even fiddled knowing I did a Mr. Dipasqualle kids do it themselves,” DeMaio said. around with a few possible slogans for good job teach- was in charge The BOE has approved the this labor “movement”. Slogan can- ing my students, of choosing the new mandatory five-hour monthly didates included “Digging Holes for and the other is administration’s manual labor requirement. Junior Character,” “Communal Productive mercilessly beat- weapons, “We Keith Bennett said he is excited about Landscaping,” “Dig or Die,” and ing down stu- f eel th at M r. “Digging for Diplomas”. Haron be- Junior Brian Giesen experiences the full effect of the Bastinado the change. “I’ve got a lot of surplus dents’ egos that mis- Dipasqualle was most energy to spend and I already use my lieves that the new policy will do won- behave in my class.” fit for choosing our free to go to gym. So why not?” ders for the high school, as well as the Now, instead of having a de- Other teachers prefer the use disciplinary implement because of his Many others do not share entire Darien community. tention for doing something bad, the of something more timeless: words. in depth knowledge on the topic of tor- Bennett’s enthusiasm. “This is malar- The students’ options are very teacher will have the opportunity to Ms. Riordan and Mr. Pavia’s favorite ture,” Haron said. “I decided to go with key ” one student said. “I swear to God simple: if you want to graduate, you publicly embarrass a student in the technique of chastisement is plain old the Bastinado,” said Mr. Dipasqualle, if I have to do five hours of manual must complete the manual labor for form of physical abuse in front of the verbal abuse. “I much prefer shame “It is extremely painful yet causes labor I’m going to kick someone.” five hours. It actually seems like a good entire class. The weapon of choice, and humiliation,” Pavia said, “A slap practically no bruising, which are both In order to graduate from Darien thing in one way. We as Darienites are however, is left up to the teacher. on the wrist, as Mr. Egan suggests, big benefits to it.” High School, a minimum of 300 min- generally not exposed to the harsh jobs “The Administration feels that the new will only hurt for a few minutes, but The new policy however, is only utes of manual labor must be complet- that many other people experience. policy will reinforce a safe learning en- the torment of being pointed at and in its test phase, “We are not comed. When I talked to Coach B about Perhaps digging some holes, cleaning vironment in every classroom,” com- mocked by all of your peers lasts a pletely sure whether this new policy the new policy, he actually began to some bathrooms, and managing some mented first-year Principal Dan Haron. lifetime.” Long time French teach- will better the learning environment,” smile. “We could use a swimming pool fields will humble the student body of “If you misbehave in class, the teacher er Madame Riordan agrees with Mr. Haron said, “but we are eager to test it and maybe even a junior parking lot. Darien High School. can choose from a variety of different Pavia, “Words are much more creative out over the next couple of months.” So we will provide the students with M Aa pr r ci hl 2 2 0 0 0 0 8 8 r e vi e w s Spring Fashion! Bring on Those Colors! Mike Klein ————————————————————————————— Business Manager Getting Large Spring is in the air. It is hands down this writer’s favorite time of with Jenny Large year, not only because of the weather, McDonald’s is basically the but also because of the FASHION. Mecca of all fast food restaurants. There are so many options to sport this With over 31 million restaurants spring, and it’s this fashionista’s duty worldwide and 46 million custom- to tell you what to wear. For men this ers per day, the sun never sets on season, it’s all about combining the old the Golden Arches. Inspired by its with the new. The MUST HAVE shoe all-around fast food awesomeness, for guys and girls this spring is without I felt compelled to review our local a doubt, Nike jellies. These oldies but McDonald’s to learn what makes the goodies were made popular in the 80’s restaurant so great. and are coming back strong. Just the Upon entering McDonald’s, I other week, Matt Damon was caught dropped my bag in one of the red vinyl 1983 Mesh Tank Top sporting the new trendy kick while booths and got in line to order. As I power walking with his girlfriend, run straight through your shirt, it’s Neirad Fashion Reporter Mike Klein Sports One of Spring’s waited, the first thing I noticed was the Sarah Silverman. an amazing feeling. Calvin Klein is Hottest Looks: Muffin-Top Daisy Dukes and Colored Tube Socks poor quality of the restaurant’s service. As for men’s tops, only one thing releasing a whole line of mesh tanks In my opninion, the employees seemed comes to mind when the thought of ranging in materials from silk to wool, style has not quite caught on as much Avenue catalog, which both seem to to have no sense of hygiene whatsoev- spring 2008 is this topic: mesh tanks. as well as many color options from in the United States, but with new place an extremely heavy emphasis er. I actually watched one of the bus- “totally teal” to “shimmering silver.” styles being released by American on the camo designs and stained- boys walk over to a booth and clear off You might want to get your hands on Apparel and Abercrombie and Fitch, looking clothing. the table with a dirty mop that he had one of those shirts because they will be look for these pants to be a popular To go along with the shorts, the just used on the floor. The employees selling fast, and you don’t want to be hit. They tell the world “I’m here and latest trend in tops is the one size fits that I encountered were also as dumb the only one in school without a mesh I’m trendy”, and yet are so comfort- all shirts. These big and bulky tees go as rocks. In fact, I probably could have tank top of your very own. able at the same time, how can you perfectly with those brand new pair had a better conversation with a rock Without a doubt, my favorite go wrong wearing a pair? of cargo shorts, and can be found at than one of the hamburger flippers at spring fashion item this season is the The latest rage in women’s leg- any Foot Locker or any convenience Mickey D’s. I had to repeat my order men’s Capri pant, or “man-pries”. This wear is surprisingly cargo shorts. store in your mall. Baggy is hot, or at to the cashier six times before she got Jellies: Manolos of the 1990s new trend is sweeping the globe right These perennial favorites are bound least that’s what all the fashion ex- it right, and it took about 4½ minutes They are in, they are hot, and they now, all thanks to tennis star Rafael to make you the talk of the town perts are saying this spring. It’s time for them to bring me my meal. Fast are fabulous. Nothing to me screams Nadal. Ever since Nadal first sported when you sport these around Darien. to wear something loose, so that way service? I think not. spring more than a mesh tank top. Just the look, people all over the world Popular cargo wearers can be seen in you can show off your real beauty: Dinner was already off to a rough imagine letting that warm spring air have been going man-pries crazy. The the new Ann Taylor and Saks Fifth your inner beauty. start, and it continued to get worse. After ordering my meal I walked back to my booth only to discover that it had been occupied in my absence. The Review of Rush Hour 3 The Wiggles Movement woman who had stolen my table was clearly a frequent customer. Weighing We Know, But It’s the Best We Got in at 300 pounds in my estimation and An Analysis of True Brilliance downing a Big Mac, I was not prepared Spencer Matson Joe Simonson to pick a fight with one of McDonald’s ————————————————————————————— ————————————————————————————— Managing Editor Staff Writer and time again to adoring fans and most devoted clientele (my entire Around hour five of a nine- Bach, Beethoven, John Lennon, record labels that they are the group body was practically the size of her hour transcontinental flight from Bono, and The Wiggles. A genu- to define the new millennium’s sound. leg). Instead, I politely grabbed my Marco Polo Airport (Venice) to JFK ine legend of music comes only The Wiggles have 17 gold records, belongings and headed to a table by (Oh come on), the Cincinnati-based once in a generation. The Wiggles 12 platinum and 10 multiplatinums. the window. Delta flight crew thought it would hold that honor for our time. DVD’s have racked up 17 million After settling into my new booth, be an excellent idea to play the film The highly-respected group was copies sold (Interesting to see how pe- I started sampling the dishes I had “Rush Hour 3”. Having tried to avoid founded in Sydney, Australia in 1991. rennial favorites like “Titanic” falter picked out. My tray of food was loaded the “Rush Hour” franchise for many The rock stars include Anthony Field, against The Wiggles impressive stats) with a cheeseburger, four McNuggets, years, I found myself amongst a cap- Murray Cook, Greg Page, Jeff Fatt, “Racing to the Rainbow: The and a side of French fries (all ordered tive audience of 300+ unlucky pas- Captain Featherswod, Dorothy the Wiggles” is the band’s 39th studio from the ingenious invention of the sengers. Despite this, I noticed that Dollar menu). In most other restau- several of my fellow coach class pas- rants, ordering such a large amount sengers began to don their free head- of food for one person would at- sets to enjoy the film. I, seated in a tract some disgusted looks, but not position eight rows behind the closest at McDonald’s. Under the Golden Arches, appetites of all sizes are wel- 10’’ monitor, chose not to listen in on Oh come on... this flick because quite frankly, we’re comed. talking about “Rush Hour 3” here. Parisian street, and the Eiffel Tower. The first thing I sampled was However, over the following That’s basically it. the cheeseburger from the Dollar two hours. I occasionally looked up As far as the acting is concerned, Menu. The cheeseburger was quite a few times to gaze upon the actions the dialogues don’t seem as clichéd possibly the worst burger I have ever of Jackie Chan and that other guy. I as one might expect. But then again, tasted. Considering the “chefs” in the believe that in those few short looks, I only saw the dialogue in the subti- McDonald’s kitchen were thawing the I will be able to write a full-fledged tles when Jackie Chan spoke Chinese. flash-frozen patty in less than two min- review of the film that will not be lack- Chris Tucker’s character seemed to be utes, the meat was questionable. The ing in credibility. But even if I can’t, the comedic value of the film based burger tasted as if it had been injected don’t forget that this is still “Rush on the laughter from the fellow cabi- with some sort of chemical to keep the Hour 3” we’re talking about. Honestly, nmates when he would speak/dance/ meat preserved. I was not a fan of the could anything I say matter? threaten French taxi drivers/fight. Do Not Look Directly into the Greatness of the Wiggles resulting concoction. As far as the plot is concerned, let As far as the soundtrack is con- Right after were the McNuggets. me see if I can sum it up. Inspector Lee cerned, I have no idea what it sound- Dinosaur, Henry the Octopus and the album, and arguably, a masterpiece. It was obvious that the chicken nug- (Jackie Chan) apparently works for ed like. I can only assume that it was always mysterious Wags the Dog. Formed with originality and grace, gets had been sitting underneath a heat some Chinese diplomat fellow. A third pretty crappy. Throughout the years, The Wiggles The Wiggles have really outdone lamp for a long time before I arrived Chinese guy shoots this other Chinese I’m not sure whether I would rec- have sold countless albums, have themselves with this stellar bit of mu- at McDonald’s. The indicator? Well, guy. After a brief chase through the ommend “Rush Hour 3”. I have never given listeners unforgettable concerts sical craftsmanship. I encourage any the chicken’s breadcrumbs were soggy L.A. streets, we find out that Jackie seen “Rush Hour” or “Rush Hour 2”. I and blessed the public with a must-see serious listener to not just buy this for one, but the biggest tip off was the Chan and this third Chinese guy know only watched “Rush Hour 3” sporadi- daytime television show. album, but appreciate it. It is rare moldy nugget sitting at the bottom of each other (maybe they costarred cally on that little monitor 15 feet in To demonstrate The Wiggles suc- you find such musical sophistication the bag. It’s bluish-green tint looked in a previous film?). Chris Tucker’s front of me because I thought it might cess is not a hard task. For example in today’s society. When hearing the quite unappetizing. character (whatever his name may make the flight go by faster. It really in 2005, The Wiggles earned more Australian group shine and comple- All in all, I learned that be) then meets with Jackie Chan and didn’t. I suppose if you are an avid money than any other Aussie enter- ment the prodigious instrumentals, McDonald’s definitely wanted to leave they choose to solve the case togeth- Jackie Chan fan, a coprophiliac, or an tainer including AC/DC and déclassé it leaves no doubt in this reviewer’s its diners with a lasting impression. I er. Over the course of the resulting 1 individual without a lot of patience/ actress Nicole Kidman. The big bucks mind that The Wiggles are the group can verify this from my own experi- hour and 30 minutes, the costars fight appreciation for cinema, than “Rush give the group the honorable title of to define our generation. “Racing ence: I literally spent half the night many Chinese henchmen in a dojo, an Hour 3” is for you. As for me, I kind of Australia’s “richest entertainers.” to The Rainbow: The Wiggles” is lying on my bathroom floor, throw- L.A. freeway, a hospital, an airport, wish that I had napped instead. From years of acclaim, The Wiggles an album that cannot be forgotten. ing up my dinner. It was certainly a a Parisian street, a casino, another moved to the mainstream to prove time memorable experience. M a r c h 2 0 0 8 MAapr r ci l h 2 2 0 0 0 0 8 8 indecision III 2008 III blank face below. the indecision surrounding Mr. Egan’s Kevin————————————— Ramsey To cast your vote, send us an facial features. He has resorted to des- I I Design Editor email at [email protected], or drop perate measures, with facial hair one The off your custom style at the Publishing day, then shaving it off the next, leav- While the 2008 presidential race Center in room B-210. The polls close ing each and every member of Darien Candidates has drawn a large amount of atten- at 2:17 p.m. on April 7. High School, faculty and student alike, tion from the American media, one Remember, citizens, that it is up hanging on the edge of their seats. decision has surprisingly gone over- to you to re- While his diversity in this area looked. The American people are solve does add a sense of excitement to hanging in the balance over the often static hair features of the one of the most significant faculty members at DHS, Mr. Egan events of our lifetime - needs to settle down. While some may Mr. Patrick Egan of the think that his colleagues nicknamed Darien High School him “The Kid” because of his age, History Department the true meaning has its roots in growing out a sick his unpredictability. The History facial hair style. Department teachers picked the H o w e v e r, a name due to Egan’s resemblance I crisis has emerged. to Billy the Kid, a famous young Mr. Egan can’t outlaw of the Old West. decide on what he “He truly is very fright- wants his face to ening,” resident History look like. It is up teacher Mr. Keith Keeler to you, the regular said. “I half expected him to American citizen, start waving the bloody shirt I to vote for the best when he sported the mutton The Dr. J facial hairpiece for chops and Union Army hat.” Mr. Egan. From this instance we can see how N e i r a d h a s Mr. Egan’s facial experimentation can streamlined the pro- have tragic results. With this decision, cess for you by present- lives hang in the balance. Remember, ing the styles Mr. Egan the style that receives the most votes I is considering below. will be displayed on Mr. Egan’s face. However, if you feel that This is your chance, America. Let’s those facial hair methods tame this beast. fail to capture Egan’s To get the full results, check raison d’être, then feel out Neirad Enilno at www. free to design your darienps.org/neirad o w n s t y l e on his

The Frida Kahlo

ANALYST COMMENTS I we report I ANALYST COMMENTS “I feel like [the Dr. J.] is an appro- “I can’t believe people are re- priate emulation of my personal Iyou believe I membering me for my unibrow” idol/hero...”- Chris Shaker Analyst Picks - Frida Kahlo I Keeping the significance of this decision in mind,I Neirad has consulted the best facial hair team in print journalism to offer their opinions on which facial hair style Mr. Egan should pick for his face. Chris Shaker, Staff Writer: “I’m a big fan of the Dr. J; I feel like it’s an appropriate emulation of my personal idol/hero, Julius Irving. He accomplished so much in so little time.” Spencer Matson, Managing Editor: “The awesome majesty of the Burnsides really strikes me. Enriching this fact is the irony that the trendsetter of the style, 21st United States President Chester A. Arthur, was an ‘insignificant leader’ while Mr. Egan clearly is just the opposite.” Patrick Smith, Resident Neirad Hipster: “The Louis XIII style is neat. The curly mustache screams class while the goatee says, ‘Hey, I still like to party.’” Frida Kahlo, Dead Artist: “I can’t believe people are The Burnsides remembering me for my unibrow and not my work.” The Louis XIII

Note: Certain terms and conditions apply to Indecision 2008. Patrick Egan is not contractually obligated to grow out any of these facial styles. Also, Frida Kahlo has been dead for 54 years. M aA rp cr i hl 2 2 0 0 0 0 8 Prom 2008 Budget Brutally Slashed Free Dinner But Forget the Sweet Stretch Limousine sophomore Anna Teachers prom party to be held at the Darien Priscilla Lombardi ————————————————————————————— Richards said. who common- Town Hall. Neirad Enilno Editor Yet, the soph- ly chaperoned “I can’t wait to spring this won- Forget the flashy stretch limo. omore class’ ob- a t f o r m e r derful surprise on my daughter,” fresh- This year’s prom is going back to jection to tradi- DHS proms men parent Jennifer Myers said. “How basics. Gym clothes and sneakers tional attire is not are being re- excited will the kids be to party with may be more fitting than a chichi the only dispari- placed with Mom and Dad after the prom? What Versace dress for Prom 2008. ty in prom tradi- b e t t e r a n d a hoot!”. The Community Council and tions. According to m o r e d e - The class of 2008’s low budget DHS administration announced last page 45 of the DHS pendable su- will luckily not be a problem dinner- week that they would enact several student handbook, p e r v i s o r s : wise because the food will be provided changes to the upcoming Junior/ “Individualized ve- parents. All at no cost. The McDonald’s school aid Senior Prom. hicles larger than parent chap- fund, “Better Prom Dinners for Less Aside from the Community 1 3 . 5 f e e t l o n g erone appli- Privileged High Schools” has agreed Council’s previous decision to have are prohibited on cations were to kick in the Big Macs and trans-fat- prom held in the gymnasium due school grounds submitted in free French fries for free. (a M&M to the exceedingly low budget of during any school- March and ac- McFlurry, however, will set prom the senior class, the freshmen and related event.” The cording to the goers back $2.33) sophomore classes will also be per- administration has Community “The McDonald’s school aid mitted to attend. In addition, the of- affirmed limos are Council, the fund is exactly what we need in order ficial Freshmen/Sophomore/Junior/ forbidden to pass majority of to save money from the high expense Senior prom will be scheduled from on school property submissions of catered dinners,” DHS Principal 6:00-9:00, with a curfew in conse- anytime during the w e r e f r o m Dan Haron said. quence of last year’s prom behav- prom. That means kids Principal Haron Signs McDonald’s ‘Better Prom Dinners For Less parents of seniors. With all these progressive chang- ioral issues. will no longer be able to Privileged High Schools’ agreement. “I decided to es taking place, Haron expects the Sophomores for some reason look super hot in the lot the administration has emphasized stu- chaperone because I administration to host the most suc- have insisted on wearing casual ap- in their sleek black high-roller limo. dent safety by instituting breathalyzer want to be fully aware of what my cessful prom Darien High School has parel to this annual occasion. They “Since the class of 2010 is in- testing forced on all students attend- son does while he’s dancing with his ever had. are against the formal attire com- cluded, the plethora of limos will cause ing the school dances. On May 16, date,” senior parent Mrs. Sullivan said. “Who needs designer dresses and monly worn at prom. major traffic safety issues which we, along with the breathalyzer practice, “I also look forward to having a few fabulous food to have fun,” Haron “I mean, it’s only in the gym, as a school community, cannot risk,” students must also now pass a series dances with my son, which I know said. “Prom is communal gathering of so why should we get all dressed Assistant Principal Donna Russo of drug and blood tests at the gym’s he’ll be really excited about!” young people and parents not an occa- up? It’s just more comfortable to said. main entrance before being permitted Parents are also in the early sion to impress.” dance in jellies, jeans and a tank top,” Since the beginning of the year, to enter the prom. stages of planning a full family post- No More Narcs Say Goodbye to Yellow Security Garb Meg Murphy ————————————————————————————— Staff Writer always fashionable camouflage would be a perfect replacement. One of the On April 9, 2008 the narcs have reasons they chose camouflage was to invited everyone to say farewell to represent their military background. their yellowness. A bonfire has been Most people are not aware of the mil- planned for the narcs to burn their itary training that is required before yellow sweatshirts. The event will take becoming a narc, “and people tend to place on the turf forget how hard it is field promptly to keep unruly stu- at 7:00 p.m. Not dents under control, only will they especially those who be burning their show up at Darien yellow sweat- sport events,” said shirts, but their one of the narcs. The y e l l o w r a i n narcs believe that j a c k e t s a n d with the new look, yellow polos as it will help them do well. The narcs their job better and are encourag- expect people to take ing everyone to them much more se- join in by bring- riously. ing along any With the narcs bright yellow decked out in cam- pieces of cloth- ouflage, it will make ing that they it easier for them to would like to sneak up on disrup- incinerate. tive students. This The narcs was something they h a v e s p e n t kept in mind while m a n y h o u r s brainstorming new talking to the ad- “Slick Rick” with his stylin’ new uniform ideas. When ministration to ne- camo uniform. tested, only one out gotiate freedom of 10 students could from the dreaded yellow sweatshirts. spot the hidden narc. Outraged with Fearing that the lunch ladies might the future ensemble, some students also request a uniform modification, started an anti-camouflage petition. the administration was very hesitant Coincidentally, the petition, with 300 about the change. “We were not very signatures went missing. Clare “Eagle” pleased with the idea,” DHS Vice Baldwin, a DHS junior, speculates “the Principal Donna Russo said. “But, the administration liked the creativity of change seemed to mean a lot to the the narcs wearing camouflage and the narcs, um, I mean campus monitors, effectiveness it had, so they got rid of so we decided to hear them out.” After the petition themselves.” several months of meetings, a compro- The bright yellow sweatshirts mise was reached and the narcs finally the narcs wore gave students advance got what they wanted. Of course, this warning when a narc was coming. was after the lunch ladies agreed not Meanwhile, the camouflage provides to demand new uniforms anytime in optimum narc cover. Mike Colandro, the near future. a DHS freshman, said, “With the narcs The administration told the narcs wearing yellow, I could easily spot they had one week to devise a new them in a crowd when I was doing look and could give the old yellow something wrong. Now that they sweatshirts a proper “memorial ser- will be wearing camouflage, I won’t vice.” “In order to permit a bonfire, the be able to see them coming when I campus monitors had to agree to put am sitting in the café.” There goes forth all expenses for the preparation Colandro’s free. it would need and damage it would So, say goodbye to the yellow cause,” Russo said. and look out for the narcs in camou- After countless hours of plan- flage. Coming soon to DHS! ning, the narcs finally agreed that the M a r c h 2 0 0 8 MA pa rri cl h 2 0 2 0 0 8 0 8 M aA rp cr i hl 2 2 0 0 0 0 8 SPORTS Hockey Fans Hug It Out DHS to Install Moat Barrier Administration Plans to Keep Out Controversy DHS Fans Receive Praise for Sportsmanlike Conduct Will Wygal Reece Pelley ————————————————————————————— ————————————————————————————— Darien fans. However, when asked The annual Darien and New Staff Writer Assistant Sports Editor they quickly and maturely quieted Canaan post-game group hug last year The blueprints for the new DHS down,” says John Pierce, a writer for had to be broken up by police because When the voting for one of moat have been completed. Once the ESPN The Magazine. it was lingering on into the night. It the most coveted high school sports budget was completed, the school hap- “And actually, this is the exact was also considered loitering which is awards finally came in, Darien High pily learned they had $17 million ad- kind of sportsmanship and fun that a punishable offense in Darien. School’s boys hockey team and its fans ditional dollars after cutting the under- came out on top. Darien fans and play- performing lacrosse team. (See LAX/ ers of the boy’s hockey team received Chess Club story below) the ESPN Good Sportsmanship Award The administration decided the for demonstrating exemplary sports- huge conflict with New Canaan stu- manship and kindness to the opposi- dents at the FCIAC championship tion teams during the 07-08 hockey hockey game in February had created season. The annual award was pre- the need for fortification against re- sented to the team at a White House gional threats. Therefore, they decided ceremony last month. to build a three-quarter mile long moat Darien fans are known through- around the school for safety. out the FCIAC for their pre-game Details surrounding this con- ritual of baking cupcakes for the oppo- struction project are slowly being re- sition’s fans and parents. “I just think leased. So far, we only know that no it’s a great way to have fun and make students may cross the moat after dark New design for the DHS Moat. everyone happy,” says a Darien fan as unless they take a breathalyzer test she lops an extra dollop of frosting on and/or provide a urine sample. The we have the convenience of a moat.” a chocolate cupcake. “We also added moat will also have a $5 surcharge. Another great benefit is it will a little ingredient this year that I think open the door for the new DHS This is the scene after cupcakes ran out at Darien New Canaan hockey game. The DHS Moat will bring many will spice things up.” positive benefits to DHS and its stu- Fishing Team. (Former lacrosse play- At first she was reluctant to share got Darien High School this award in Darien cops admittedly had to dent body. Not only will this water ers will get priority for joining this with Neirad the new ingredient but fi- the first place” Pierce said. “We look use physical force to break up the hug. barrier keep out hostile intruders like team) The administration decided it nally broke down. “OK, but I hope I for schools and fans that do this kind One officer had to use his night stick New Canaan High School students, it would be best to import Wisconsin don’t get in trouble for this…..it’s sour of stuff and give them the recognition to tap a New Canaan student on the will also serve as a new practice area bass and Japanese catfish in a 60-foot raspberry sauce, we thought it might that they deserve and for Darien High shoulder to get his attention. But over for the DHS Swimming Team. portion of the moat. catch them off guard and shake things School, that kind of recognition is the all, last year’s Darien lacrosse season Kristen Rossbach, a junior swim- The administration would also up.” ESPN Good Sportsmanship Award.” was full of good sportsmanship and ming team member, had this to say like to state that there would be no ice- After the Trinity Catholic semi- The Darien fans hope to contin- there is a hope that it will be carried about the moat: “I’m super excited skating on the moat or else they will finals game the cupcakes were distrib- ue this show of good sportsmanship on into this year. One DHS student about the new moat; it sure is swell of cancel the fishing team’s night match- uted to Trinity Catholic team mem- into the upcoming lacrosse season. was even prompted to say “all I care the administration to block off a part es. As long as there is a moat to pro- bers and fans to much acclaim in “I even have my Darien-New Canaan about is that they like our cupcakes…. of the moat for us,” Rossbach said. tect us, nothing controversial or excit- February. tea party already booked” says one or there could be trouble.” “Finally, we don’t have to go all the ing will ever happen at our fine prison, Some Trinity fans even started lacrosse fan. “We just can’t wait for way to the YMCA for practice because I mean learning establishment. to hug and laugh with the Darien fans the Darien New Canaan game to have turning the event into a fuzzy feel our big party with both teams after the good session. match. They are always a lot of fun.” Struggling Lacrosse Team To Merge With But once it got late, to everyone’s This seems to be the sentiment of all disappointment, Darien police officers fans of the Darien lacrosse program. attending the game were forced to ask After the success of landing and Seek Guidance From Chess Club everyone to leave and go home once it the ESPN Sportsmanship Award in Lizzie Kirst was clearly past everyone’s bedtime. hockey, Darien fans and faculty pre- ————————————————————————— Darien Police officer Patrick dict this will translate into another Staff Writer even commented on the evening. big win for their fans with a sports- It’s no secret the DHS boy’s la- “It’s just great that these two schools manship award for lacrosse. “We’ve crosse team needs to step up its game. can get together and just have a good always been good sports at lacrosse Anyone who has sat in the bleachers time.” ESPN had a different account. games…especially with our buddies at a Darien lacrosse game knows this “At one point the chants of ‘We love New Canaan,” DHS Principal Dan fact to be true. Trinity’ got a little too loud from the Haron said. While the LAX games are moder- ately action packed and offer tepid excitement, they are by no means a por- Sports Star Spotlight!!!!!!!! trayal of good athleticism and clearly S o p h o m o r e N i c k lack strategic planning. Swardson, captain and lone “If the team could get its act to- member of the Rollerblading gether and learn how to plan decent Racing Team recently beat plays they’d stand a much better the spread in the FCIAC chance of winning at least some quarter finals race. Swardson, games,” senior lacrosse captain who was supposed to place Jameson Love said. Not surprisngly 18/18 overcame the odds Love is not exactly loving his team Fruit right now. “We keep this up we might and managed to place 17/18. as well hold tea parties instead of prac- Censored According to Nick, the secret to his success was his train- tice,” Love said. Senior laxers Jameson Love & Brendan Ross in the process of ing. “Coach Jokowitz has Love’s statement reflects the stats being schooled by Chess Club President junior Sam Archibald. been working me really hard of a new Neirad poll that found the av- and put me on an all fruit diet, erage DHS student attends a total of the players will be required to attend sidered plays that are most likely the including banana smoothies just one lacrosse game in his/her four the chess club’s bi-weekly action- result of one or two players carrying with special protein supple- years at DHS: an impressive number packed meetings. out random moves depending on who ments that he makes him- considering the games are not exactly “Bring it on! Those LAX boys is closest to the opponent’s goal,” self. It’s been a really intense examples of scintillating sports prow- don’t know what they are up against,” Love said. couple of weeks.” Nick (pic- ess. junior DHS Chess Club President Sam These spur of the moment plays tured right) also sported a In an attempt to improve the la- Archibald said.”You don’t know pres- are to blame for Darien’s less than new trendier and smaller uni- crosse team, Darien High School has sure until you’ve gone head-to-head average season stats and depressing form that according to coach turned to the chess club. It is hoped against our chess team,” Archibald number of wins. Compared to most Jokowitz, “is far more aero- the speed, agility and prowess of the said. other Darien sports teams, the lacrosse dynamic and helped shave chess club will inject the magic in- The Zen masters of the chess boys just don’t stack up. some seconds off of Nick’s gredients the lax boys have so clearly club will hone the lacrosse mem- Hopefully the players’ new time.” Even though he didn’t been missing. bers into lean mean netting machines. knowledge of chess can be transferred finish last, Nick also failed to This club has been developed for The lacrosse gamers are expected to to their lacrosse games, and can help finish the whole race for the the sole purpose of creating a helpmate be pawns in the game fielded by the them boost the sorry state of Darien’s 14th time this year. Four laps for Darien Lacrosse because -- let’s chess club literati. “The goal of the most underperforming team. into the 25-lap race, Nick face it -- outside of Darien, who’s even chess club is to take these players from “They seem to zig when they himself caused a three racer heard of Darien LAX? checking each other to check mate,” should zag,” Archibald said. “We need pile up. (FCIAC officials are “Does Darien have a lacrosse Archibald said. to show them it is time to take a leaf still debating whether the ac- team?” befuddled freshman Haley Captain Jameson Love agreed: out of Kasparov’s book before this un- cident was intentional.) Litchfield said. “Just look at the previous season’s derperforming team can ever hope to With the season just beginning, games – it has been frenzied ill-con- tear up the field.”