It's Time Capsule Time

The New Hampshire Gazette, Friday, July 30, 2021 — Page 1 We Put the Vol. CCLXV, No. 23 The New Hampshire Gazette July 30, 2021 The Nation’s Oldest Newspaper™ • Editor: Steven Fowle • Founded 1756 by Daniel Fowle Free! PO Box 756, Portsmouth, NH 03802 • [email protected] • www.nhgazette.com in Free Press The Fortnightly Rant It’s Time Capsule Time onsidering the circumstances, that’s of any use—other than an we have decided to craft this honest account of how we came to CRant as a time capsule, intended kill them off. to give readers in the distant future Hmmm…that thought leads to a fuller sense of how the world in another: traveling back in time must which they live came to be created. be impossible. Otherwise there That may seem an excessively would have been a spike in homi- hubristic undertaking, even for this cides among fossil fuel CEOs back boastful age. On the other hand, in the 1980s. perhaps there is no need to apolo- Would they have been justifiable, gize. We are, after all, the Nation’s or not? We’ll leave that for an imag- Oldest Newspaper.™ That unique inary jury to decide. characteristic doesn’t just invite, it –=≈=– requires us to imagine the otherwise If anyone’s going to do anything to unlikely survival of this flimsy bit of stave off an unlivable future, they’d newsprint. best get cracking. Historically, re- Let us travel, then, into the fu- cords for high temperatures have ture: here we are, face to face with… been surpassed by small margins— dwindling bands of Homo sapi- one or two degrees. The recent heat ens, gasping for breathable air and dome in the Pacific Northwest shat- scrounging for food after the big tered previous records by as much as bee die-off, hoping the locusts will nine degrees—and that’s just one return so they can get a square meal. freakish example. Rivers and reser- Oops—went too far. Let’s dial it voirs across the west are drying up. dogma, the U.S.A. proudly leads the Thomas Jefferson feared he knew matryoshka that is the U.S.A, we find back a few decades. There—that’s Wildfires are spreading like…wild- allegedly free world. To whatever the answer: “I tremble for my coun- a grift, wrapped in a Noh play, per- better. fires—only more so than ever before. extent that that is true, then, wherev- try when I reflect that God is just.” formed at a shopping mall. Our old friend Charlie still sur- For decades, climatologists have er the world ends up, we are to some Maybe God is just—but is he on A poll taken in June showed that vives on sandwiches from the Scol- refused to attribute any individual degree responsible. Hold on—our the job? We see no sign of that. 68 percent of New Hampshire vot- lay Square station. Now, though, he’s incidences of our increasingly weird BS detector just went off with a –=≈=– ers support transitioning to a 100 wearing scuba gear. weather to anthropogenic climate deafening clang. Get us re-write…. Our last best hope would seem to percent clean energy grid by by The adolescent hunger for risk re- change. Now, after that heat dome To whatever extent the U.S.A. ac- be citizens standing up for their in- 2035. Sixty-two percent support the mains. It just takes new forms in this killed nearly 200 people, they are, to tually does lead the free world, we alienable right to life, liberty, and the American Jobs Plan investments in new environment. Dirt-surfing on use a technical term, freaking out. may properly be held responsible— pursuit of happiness. Unfortunately clean energy jobs. As with slash- landslides has become an Olympic The old inhibitions against linking by anyone who can find the power to those rights seem no more accessible ing carbon emissions immediate- sport. extreme weather to global warming do so. Good luck on that score. than God. ly, though, just try and make these Economic inequality also per- have been swept away—along with There can be no question that Nobody in Tillamook voted for things happen. sists, so the Manchin Family has the district of Ahrweiler, Germany. we led the world down the asphalt an outdoor clambake that left a bil- No, far be it from those of us who prospered. Wise investments made A recent study in the journal path to automobile dependency. The lion mussels cooked in their shells. see a bad end coming fast to risk by the patriarch—wise for his clan, Nature Climate Change found that Powell Doctrine expired, though, Nobody in Portsmouth voted offending right wing snowflakes by anyway, if you take the narrow fiscal heatwaves breaking old records during the second term of George to import smoke from the Pacif- pushing too hard. view and overlook widespread dis- by huge margins are “two to seven W.[MD] Bush. Yes, we, with our fe- ic Northwest, turning our sunsets No, better to stay on Joe Man- approbation—created the opportu- times more likely in the next three tish for internal combustion engines, a greasy orange and making every chin’s good side by protecting the nity for his myriad descendants to decades and three to 21 times more have done more than any other na- breath unhealthy. filibuster and whatever’s left of the own and operate an entire league of likely from 2051–2080, unless car- tion to break the atmosphere—just Nobody can explain why policies coal industry. Hunger Game franchises. Moun- bon emissions are immediately don’t expect us to pay for it. that are overwhelmingly popular All in all, things look bleak for fu- taintops flattened for coal removal slashed.” Who’s gonna make us? The Inter- with ordinary people can’t get passed ture generations—and not that great provided perfect venues. OK—“Slash Carbon Emissions national Court in the Hague? Good in Congress, either. for the rest of us today. No wonder we felt apologetic as Immediately” is now on the to-do luck getting the U.S.A. to submit to Winston Churchill said Russia We’re all going down for the stu- we imagined future generations. list…what—it’s not that simple? its jurisdiction. was a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, pidest reasons—but at least we’re There’s little we could offer them According to widely accepted Centuries ahead of his time, inside an enigma. Disassembling the trying not to offend anyone. The Alleged News® The Grand Inquisitor’s Mistress n July 12th, Judi Hershman deal, mentor to Associate Justice hourly basis. GOP senators in October 2018, going Senate confirmation. It was posted an extraordinary 2,600- Brett Kavanaugh, and an aspirant Now, when there’s something despite allegations of sexual assault, established at the direction of the Oword document on Medium. In it, himself to the Supreme Court. the public really should know about which Kavanaugh has denied. A FBI’s Security Division to centralize the self-described “former profes- Hershman wrote that for about him, it’s crickets. newly released letter to lawmakers and manage incoming information sional partisan” laments what she a year, beginning in 2009, she and Since his name has come up, from the FBI sheds light on—but related to the nomination. The FBI accurately calls, “our country’s big- Starr—who were both then mar- here’s more on Kavanaugh, Starr’s also raises more questions about— received over 4,500 tips, including gest existential crisis since the Civil ried—conducted an adulterous af- mentee…. how the Bureau handled its investi- phone calls and electronic submis- War.” It has come about, she writes, fair. –=≈=– gation of those allegations. sions. The Security Division section because “too many people like me More than a fortnight has now Progressives Demand Probe In August 2019, Sens. Sheldon handling the BI and supplemental stuck our heads in the sand, swal- passed, and Starr has yet to confirm After Revelations About Whitehouse (D-R.I.) and Chris background investigations provid- lowed our doubts, [and] let the un- or deny Hershman’s account. FBI Investigation of Kavanaugh Coons (D-Del.) sent a letter asking ed all relevant tips to the Office of acceptable slide, [having] convinced Absence of a denial doesn’t prove by Jessica Corbett, Common Dreams FBI Director Christopher Wray to White House Counsel (as the re- ourselves it was in the interest of the Hershman’s story, of course. The Rights groups and other pro- provide a full picture of the Bureau’s questing entity).” greater good….” story about LBJ, an aide, a rumor, gressives are demanding a probe of 2018 supplemental background in- In a joint statement Thursday, July Hershman attained this perspec- an animal, and the punchline, “Of the FBI’s rushed and limited 2018 vestigation of Kavanaugh. On June 22nd, Whitehouse and Coons, along tive, she says, through a long and course it ain’t true, but I want to background investigation into U.S. 30, 2021, they finally received a re- with Sens. Dick Durbin (D-Ill.), close association with one of the make the son-of-a-bitch deny it” Supreme Court Justice Brett Ka- sponse from Jill C. Tyson, an FBI Patrick Leahy (D-Vt.), Richard most influential unelected figures must be borne in mind. But still…. vanaugh after seven Democratic assistant director. Blumenthal (D-Conn.), Mazie Hi- in the Republican power structure. More perplexing is the media senators on Thursday revealed new The FBI’s letter, which the sena- rono (D-Hawaii), and Cory Booker That emminent personage was Ken- silence.

Load more