AUDIOBOOK SUPPLEMENT THE BREAKUP BOOK

Also by Kathy Labriola

The Workbook Exercises and Insights for Managing Open Relationships

Love in Abundance A Counselor’s Advice on Open Relationships THE POLYAMORY BREAKUP BOOK

Causes, Prevention, and Survival

Kathy Labriola with a foreword by Dossie Easton The Polyamory Breakup Book: Causes, Prevention, and Survival

Copyright ©2019 by Kathy Labriola

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission from the publisher except in the case of brief quotations in critical articles and reviews.

Thorntree Press, LLC P.O. Box 301231 Portland, OR 97294 [email protected]

Thorntree Press’s editorial offices are located on the ancestral, traditional and unceded lands of the Musqueam, Squamish and Tsleil-­Waututh nations.

Cover design by Brianna Harden Interior design by Jeff Werner Copy-­editing by Tonya Martin Proofreading by Hazel Boydell Indexing by Maria Hypponen Interior illustrations © Lacey Johnson 2019

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Names: Labriola, Kathy, author. Title: The polyamory breakup book : causes, prevention, and survival / by Kathy Labriola, with a foreword by Dossie Easton. Description: Portland, OR : Thorntree Press, [2019] | Identifiers: LCCN 2019008974 (print) | LCCN 2019010232 (ebook) | ISBN 9781944934828 (ebook) | ISBN 9781944934835 (kindle) | ISBN 9781944934842 (pdf) | ISBN 9781944934811 (pbk.) Subjects: LCSH: Non­monogamous relationships. | Separation (Psychology) | Rejection (Psychology) Classification: LCC HQ980 (ebook) | LCC HQ980 .L33 2019 (print) | DDC 306.84/23--dc23 LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2019008974

Audio edition v1.0 This book is dedicated to Ms. A. LaVigna, my eighth grade English teacher, who told me I would be a writer, and to Mr. James Martin, my tenth grade English teacher, who told me I would be a writer. I didn’t believe either of them, but somehow, fifty years later, I accidentally became a writer. Contents

xi Foreword 1 Introduction: Understanding Poly Breakups 5 Breakups Come With the (Poly) Territory

13 PART ONE: What Are the Most Common Causes of Poly Breakups? And Can They Be Prevented? 14 Poly vs. Non-­Poly Causes of Breakups 15 The Usual Suspects or The Big Seven 16 Chapter One: Sexual Problems Cause Lots of Monogamous Breakups and Lots of Poly Breakups 27 Chapter Two: Money Issues That Can Doom Both Monogamous and Open Relationships 35 Chapter Three: Domestic Issues That Can Lead to Breakups 47 Chapter Four: Incompatible Needs for Intimacy and Autonomy 52 Chapter Five: Problems One Partner Brings into the Relationship, Including Addictions, Untreated Mental Health Conditions, and 72 Chapter Six: Breakups Where Polyamory Plays Some Part, but Is Not the Primary Cause

87 PART TWO: Poly Causes For Poly Breakups 89 Chapter Seven: The Most Common Cause of Poly Breakups: Picking the Wrong Partners 98 Chapter Eight: Different Strokes for Different Folks: When Partners Want Incompatible Models of 115 Chapter Nine: When Poor Management of Time and Energy Is the Culprit 138 Chapter Ten: When Jealousy Is the Root Cause of a Breakup

159 PART THREE: Surviving a Poly Breakup 160 Why Are Poly Breakups So Excruciatingly Painful? 163 Chapter Eleven: Self-Care­ Is the First Step to Surviving a Breakup 171 Chapter Twelve: Grieve Your Losses and Learn Whatever Lessons You Can from This Relationship 181 Chapter Thirteen: Sustaining Your Other Relationship(s) Throughout the Breakup 195 Chapter Fourteen: Handling the “Public Relations” of a Poly Breakup 208 Chapter Fifteen: Is There a Better Way? 230 Chapter Sixteen: Going Forward CHAPTER TWO:

Money Issues That Can Doom Both Monogamous and Open Relationships

Another key cause of breakups in both monogamous and polyamorous relationships is money. This includes a diverse group of issues, from having different values about making or spending money, to tensions about who is earning more money. There may be conflict about whether a partner is working hard enough or contributing enough financially to the household, different beliefs about how to manage money, when to be frugal and when to spend more freely, or tension due to being broke or in debt. These issues are often further complicated when one partner is from a different social and economic class than their , and they have been raised with very different financial realities. Ironically, not having enough money is the least likely money issue to doom a relationship. Lack of money will usually only lead to breaking up if each partner has very different beliefs about money and if they have differing approaches to solving their financial problems. CHAPTER FOUR:

Incompatible Needs for Intimacy and Autonomy

In any relationship, there will be some conflict over the reg- ulation of intimacy and autonomy, but it manifests with a different set of problems in polyamorous relationships than in monogamous couples. No two people are perfectly matched in their respective needs for closeness as a couple and their need for time alone and privacy. This spectrum can be conceptualized as a scale of zero to 10. There is a broad range, with complete indepen- dence at the zero end of the scale, and 24/7 “joined-at-­ the-­ hip­ coupledom” at the other upper end. Each person has an ideal comfort zone that feels right to them for how much personal privacy, autonomy, and control over their own life they need, and how much , intimacy, togetherness, and merging they want with a partner. One person in any given couple will always want more independence and more of a life of their own, and the other will always want more integration of their lives. Anyone who is between a two and an eight on the scale can probably have a healthy and happy relationship. 114 CHAPTER EIGHT

CHAPTER NINE:

When Poor Management of Time and Energy is the Culprit

Many people do not have the required skill set to keep more than one partner happy. For some people, they simply have not learned to manage their time and energy well enough to be able to be a good relationship partner, and meet enough of their partners’ needs to sustain each relationship. For others, it does not come naturally to be as organized and detail-­oriented as most poly relationships require. Juggling two or more partners requires really paying attention to each partner’s “bottom-line”­ needs to, at least, meet their minimum requirements consistently. Alan calls himself a “veteran” of a 30-­year poly , and says, “Knowing your partners well enough to anticipate some of their needs and desires is really important.” Planning ahead, and planning your time carefully is a necessity to make sure you can reliably deliver on whatever you promise each partner. Many people lack the skills to keep one relationships afloat and keep one lover happy, much less two or more. Also from Thorntree Press

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