Redeeming Fat Bastard by Chris Gilman
[email protected] MIKE MYERS’S voiceover accompanies the following TEXT: The program you are about see contains outdated cultural depictions of grotesque, overweight Scotsmen. Fat Bastard is a product of his time, and embodies prejudices that were once commonplace in America. While his depiction does not represent our network’s views of Scottish society today, this program is being presented as it was originally created, because to do otherwise would be the same as claiming that prejudices against Scotch cannibals who weigh 1 metric ton never existed. MUSIC CUE OVER BLACK: dissonant, symphonic bagpipes. INT. LABORATORY - NIGHT - BLACK & WHITE Endless rows of GLASS TANKS bubble with amniotic fluids. Their pale glow illuminates the otherwise dark, warehouse lab. Suspended in the tanks——MINI-ME CLONES. Many half-developed. MINI-ME HIMSELF peaks out from behind a tank. He’s terrified. SCOTTISH VOICE (O.S.) (distant, echoing) I want my baby-back-baby-back- baby-back-baby-back ribs... Mini-Me gasps. He makes a run for it through the maze of tanks. As he runs, an ELECTRIC MOTOR GROWS LOUDER. It’s closing in fast. From where? No way to tell in the reverberating lab. Mini-Me looks behind——nothing. His right——nothing. His left—— A RASCAL SCOOTER’S HEADLIGHT FLASHES ON. MINI-ME EEE!!! The collision’s impact HURLS MINI-ME INTO A LOCKER, DENTING IT. He bounces to the floor and scrambles to his feet just as—— A SHADOW ECLIPSES HIM. Mini-Me freezes in horror. The shadow belongs to...FAT BASTARD, IN ALL HIS ENORMITY (he fits on the rascal scooter like a gorilla riding a dachshund).