1 LINERS Life is sexually transmitted. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. Did you hear about fisherman’s twins who were named Sam and Patti? Clones are people two. Entropy isn't what it used to be. A waist is a terrible thing to mind. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. Chemistry professors never die - they just smell that way! Everyone is entitled to my opinion. Help stamp out, delete, and eradicate superfluous redundancy. Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art. What if there were no hypothetical questions? No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway. Boycott shampoo!!! Demand REAL poo! My other wife is beautiful. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood alcohol content. Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway. I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?” I got a sweater for Christmas ... I wanted a screamer or a moaner. If God intended us to use a metric system, Jesus would have only had 10 apostles. If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN. I‘ve learned there is little difference in wives, so you might as well keep the first. There are 2 sides to every divorce. Yours and shit-head's! If life deals you lemons, make lemonade - if it deals tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. If, however, it deals you a load of hand grenades, that’s an interesting deal! The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been giving me lately. Everyday I beat my own previous record for consecutive days I've stayed alive. Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just 1 busted condom? No one ever says: "It's only a game," when his team is winning. I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: CHECK OUT TIME IS 18. Midlife is when you go to the doctor and realize you’re now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked. If carrots are so good for eyes, why are there so many dead rabbits on the road? How come we choose from just 2 people for President and 50 for Miss America? Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well? On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was ... surrounded by trees and bushes! Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys. After all is said and done, usually more is said than done. I am a nobody - nobody is perfect - therefore I am perfect. I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved. The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than 30% of the people in this world. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

1 Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in 7 different languages. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. Why is it that nudists are people you don't want to see naked? No one is listening until you fart. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a bad example. It’s far more impressive for others to find your good qualities without your help. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes - that way, when you criticize him, you're a mile way and you have his shoes. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. If you lend someone $20 and never see him again, it was probably worth it. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. The only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot. Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any. If you haven't much education you must use your brain. Remember: when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown. BUT it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack that jerk upside the head. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. He who hesitates is probably right. No one notices until you make a mistake. Success always occurs in private - failure in full view. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

2 2 wrongs may be only the beginning. You don't really learn to swear until you learn to drive. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked onto jet engines. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. I intend to live forever - so far, so good. If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough! The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they. 24 hours in a day - 24 beers in a case - coincidence? If everything seems to be going well, you obviously overlooked something. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. VIAGRA Chapstick? That's one way to keep a "stiff upper lip!" Black holes are where God divided by zero. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. Change is inevitable - except from vending machines. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize! Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. Half the people you know are below average. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name! 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. Birds of a feather flock together - and crap on your car. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain. A penny saved is a government oversight. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he knows when he's really in trouble. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. A day without sunshine is like … well … night. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

3 He's always late. His ancestors arrived on the June Flower. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. I'm not cheap - but I am on special this week Always try to be modest. And be proud of it! Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade! Everybody repeat after me: "We are all individuals!" Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. On the other hand, you have different fingers. Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places. Conscience may not keep us from doing wrong, but it sure keeps us from enjoying it. Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors. Be careful what rut you choose. You may be in it the rest of your life. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket. When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a public restroom. The real reason you can't take it with you is that it goes before you do. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were. The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them. Money isn't everything – there are credit cards, money orders & travelers’ checks. Some people are like blisters. They don't show up until the work is done. A true friend is one that lets his grass grow as tall as his neighbor's. A baby-sitter: a teenager acting like an adult while adults are out acting like teens. If you don't know where you're going, you're never lost. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people. The older you get, the better you realize you were. I doubt, therefore I might be. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party. If you're born again, do you have two belly buttons? If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry? To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it. If God dropped acid, would he see people? My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got 2 girlfriends. Men with pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. A man decided not to report his stolen credit card because the thief was spending less than his wife did. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen - and my kitchen is delirious. A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator! Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

4 A clean house is a sign of a misspent life. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out. Housework done properly can kill you. Countless people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines. A Handicap: An added burden given to a superior contender, to equalize the contest. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor! Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"? How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes? Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at Special Olympics? Why do they call it a TV set when you have only one? Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa. Or the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now. How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path. What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? "Dam". What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids. Prisoners use cell phones to call each other! What do the letters D.N.A. stand for? National Dyslexics Association. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick. You get spoiled milk from a pampered cow! What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite. What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? A pachydermatologist. What has 4 legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table. What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra. What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka. And what kind of lettuce? Iceberg. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck. The only difference between oral and rectal thermometers is the taste. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef! Where do you find a no legged dog? Right where you left him. Where do you get virgin wool? Ugly sheep! Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones. Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? Why’s a government worker like a shotgun with a broken firing pin? It won't work and you can't fire it! Never trust a stockbroker who is married to a travel agent. My girlfriend hates sex in the movies. She tried it once and the seat folded up. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex! It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling too. The only thing wrong with a beautiful drive to work is: you still end up at work. My neighbor was bit by a rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will. He said, Will? What will? I'm making a list of who I wanna bite." Now that we have artificial intelligence, I suppose it won't be too long before we get

5 artificial common sense! Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: they should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. An optimist thinks this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears this is true. In just 2 days, tomorrow will be yesterday. I am a nutritional overachiever. I am having an out of money experience. Practice safe eating - always use condiments. If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws! It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. Life not only begins at 40, it also begins to show then. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. I don't have an attitude problem - you have a perception problem. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself: where is the ceiling? My reality check bounced. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience. A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the pants. The more garbage you put up with, the more garbage you are going to get. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. Following the rules will not get the job done. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" Only the mediocre are at their best all the time. There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line. Bring ideas in and entertain them royally, for one of them may be the king. Two rules for life: 1. Don't tell people everything you know. 2. ... They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken. The Dark Ages were caused by the Y1K problem. If your voting could really change things, Congress would make it illegal. Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch. Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you. If you think there is good in everybody, then you obviously haven't met everybody. Taxation WITH representation ain't much fun either. Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career. Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.

6 Remember: First pillage, then burn! We divorced over religious differences. My husband thought he was God and I didn’t. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me! Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. I'm not a complete idiot - some parts are missing. God must love stupid people - he made so many! The gene pool could use a little chlorine. It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery! Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin? Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin? Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why is a boxing ring square? Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? Why is it that rain drops, but snow falls? Why’s lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid with real lemons? Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary? Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face it gets mad at you but when you take the dog in a car it sticks its head out the window? Sometimes, when you cry, no one sees your tears. Sometimes, when you’re happy, no one sees your smile. But fart just one time ... Stop crime at the source - support Planned Parenthood. Like all self-made men, he worships his creator. Once over the hill, you pick up speed. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food. If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. I know God won't give more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much! Some days are a total waste of makeup. Do you believe in love at first sight - or should I walk by you again? If the shoe fits - buy it in every color. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost-of-living. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. If you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough

7 to try and pass them. You can't have everything - where would you put it? Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population. The things that come to those that wait are the things left by those who got there first. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats. The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep. Everybody lies - but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. I wished the buck stopped here - I could use a few. When you go into court, you’re putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. Just remember: if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. Schizophrenia beats being alone. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes: You will learn a lot today. A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well. Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it? All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. Strip Mining Prevents Forest Fires I don't have a solution; but I do admire the problem. I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it. A PICTURE IS WORTH 1000 WORDS but it uses up a 1000 times the memory. The Meek shall inherit the earth - after we're through with it. To err is human. To forgive is against company policy. If a thing is worth doing it would have been done already. Two can live as cheaply as one - for half as long. Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat. Good Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. THE BUCK DOESN'T EVEN SLOW DOWN HERE! Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career. How much can I get away with and still go to heaven? Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. The trouble with life is there's no background music. I was only looking at your name tag, honest! When blondes have more fun do they know it? Money isn't everything - But it sure keeps the kids in touch. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"? MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking? Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at ex-lovers, and miss. Cooking lesson #1: Don't fry bacon in the nude. Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker. If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a water gun and shoot other people

8 in the eyes. If you're not part of the solution, start another problem! If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie! I don't do drugs anymore - I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast The most precious thing we have is life. Yet, it has absolutely no trade-in value Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up - you don't know where it's been! There's a new 12-step program for compulsive talkers: onandonanon ...which is like the 1 for parents of dyslexics: Mothers Against Dyslexia (DAM) Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. What if doing the Hokey Pokey and turning yourself about, really is what it's all about? MOM'S YEARNING CAPACITY IS GREATER THAN DAD'S EARNING CAPACITY ------PUNS In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. Acupuncture is a jab well done. Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a-salted A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. Don’t pay your exorcist - you get repossessed! Then pay, and get dispossessed. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. Convict James French, seated in the electric chair: “How about this for a headline in tomorrow's paper: French Fries!’” You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. A plateau is a high form of flattery. A good pun is its own reword. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. Dijon vu: the same mustard as before. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Sea captains don't like crew cuts. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative. My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time. I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded. I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality comes from morons? A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

9 Definition of a pickle: A cucumber soured by a jarring experience. Marriage is the mourning after the knot before. Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome? Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. Banning the bra was a big flop. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor. Without geometry, life is pointless. When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination. Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired. What's the definition of a will? (Come on - It's a dead giveaway!) A backward poet writes inverse. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. Every calendar's days are numbered. A lot of money is tainted: it taint yours and it taint mine. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. Doppler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. A plateau is a high form of flattery. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye. The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. Families are like peanut brittle: you need lots of sugar to keep the nuts together. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. "Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide! How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.

------Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, 2 prawns, Justin and Christian, were swimming around in the sea. They were constantly harassed and threatened by patrolling sharks. Finally Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..." As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted," and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time went on (as it invariably does) and Justin found himself bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates swam away whenever he came near. While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured it could change him

10 back into a prawn. He begs the cod to do so, and lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a shrimp cocktail - it's much worse!) Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "At home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to become a shark." Eager to put things right again, he set off to Christian's house. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again." "Christian replied 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy - and I'll not be tricked." Justin cried back: "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed ... "I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again, Christian". ------

COWBOY WISDOM *Don't squat with your spurs on. *Don't never interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none. *If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. *Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. *The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller. *Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco. *If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't. *The biggest liar you'll ever have to deal with probably watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning. *Always drink upstream from the herd. *Generally, you ain't learnin' nothin' when your mouth is a-jawin'. *Tellin' a man to go to hell and makin' him do it are two entirely different propositions. *Generally speakin', fancy titles and nightshirts are a waste of time. *Trust everybody in the game, but always cut the cards. *If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. *After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: when you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut. *Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly. *When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson. *There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works. *When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else. *Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut. *Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey. *If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. *Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think. *The best way to have a quiche for dinner is to make it and bake it in the oven at

11 325 degrees. Meanwhile, get out a large T-bone, grill it, and eat it. As for the quiche, continue to let it bake, but otherwise ignore it. *Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back. *Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was. *The quickest way to double your money: fold it over put it back in your pocket. ------

You heard of the insomniac dyslexic atheist? He stays awake all night trying to prove there is no dog.

“Where's the English Channel?" “I don't know - our television doesn't pick it up."

The latest hit in Budapest is a T-shirt with the following message: Hiroshima '45 Chernobyl '86 Windows '98 ------

Halloween Two-Liners Do witches stay home on weekends? No. They go away for a spell. How can you tell that Doctor Victor Frankenstein had a good sense of humor? Because he kept his monster in stitches. How do mummies hide? They wear masking tape. How do you make a milkshake? You sneak up behind a glass of milk yell "Boo!" How do vampires get around on Halloween night? By blood vessels. How do you make a witch scratch? Take away her "W". How does a monster count to 21? On his fingers. How does a witch tell time? She looks at her witch watch. Mommy, Mommy, the kids all call me a werewolf. Never mind, go comb your face. Mother vampire to son: Hurry up and eat your breakfast before it clots. What do you get when you take the circumference of your jack-o-lantern and divide it by its diameter? Pumpkin Pi. What are a vampire's favorite snacks? Adam's apples and nectarines. What did Dracula say then he first saw a giraffe? I'd like to get to gnaw you. What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost? Put your boos and shocks on. + Don't spook until you're spooken to. What do ghouls order at McMonsters? Handburgers. What do you get if you cross Jesse James and Dracula? A robbery at the blood bank. What do you use to repair a Jack O' Lantern? A pumpkin patch. What do you say to a 2-headed monster? Hello, hello. What do you give a vampire with a cold? Coffin Drops! What happened to the monster who took the 5 o'clock train? He had to give it back. What happens when a flying witch breaks the sound barrier? You hear the broom boom. What happens to a fast witch on a slow broom? She flies off the handle. What if you crossed a rabbit with a wolf? You'd get a harewolf. What is a zombie's favorite dessert? Ladyfingers.

12 What is Dracula's favorite holiday? Fangsgiving! What kind of math did the monster student do best? Scare root. What do you say when you meet a ghost? How do you boo, sir? How do you boo? What type of music do ghosts prefer? Spirituals, of course. What would you find on a haunted beach? A sand witch. What's soft, moldy and flies? A spoiled bat. What's a ghost's favorite breakfast? Ghost toasties with booberries. When is it bad luck to see a black cat? When you're a mouse. When do ghosts usually appear? Just before someone screams. Where did they put Dracula when he was arrested? In a red bloodcell! Where do you take a ghost who's backed into a lawn mower? To a liquor store. That's where they retail spirits. Who has a broom and flies? A jelly-covered janitor. Why did the other kids have to let the vampire play baseball? It was his bat. Why do dragons sleep during the day? So they can fight knights. ------

Where do you find a no legged dog? Right where you left him.

What do you get when an epileptic farmer falls in his lettuce patch? Seizure salad.

A guy goes into a Chinese bar and says, "How 'bout a Stoly?" The bartender says, "Once upon a time … "

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? One’s made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with and the other is used to carry groceries.

Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses? Italians hate ALL witnesses.

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck. The bartender says, "All right, I'll let ya stay---but don't start nuthin."

Charles Manson, before the parole board, says: "Is it hot in here or am I crazy?"

Hear about the Amish woman who wanted a divorce? Her husband was driving her buggy.

What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter. He won't come anyway.

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer and a mop."

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an Atheist? Someone who knocks on your door for no reason.

What's the different between a Jehovah Witness and a Yugo? You can slam the door on a Jehovah Witness.

A new scientific study discovered a certain type of food that decreases a woman's

13 sex drive? It's called wedding cake.

L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there's a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson - and when he shows up, they tell him there'll be a 10-minute wait.

I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out.

The highways of life are full of flat squirrels that couldn't make up their minds.

I know Siamese twins who moved to England, so the other 1 could drive.

Don't spend $2 to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for 75 cents.

Q.) What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk? A.) An udder failure.

Q.) What do Eskimos get from sitting on the toilet too long? A.) Polaroids.

Said the Buddhist to the hot dog vendor: "Make me one with everything.” ------

ATHLETIC ONE-LINERS "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." – Senior BBall player at the University of Pittsburgh Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann You guys line up alphabetically by height." "You guys pair up in groups of three then line up in a circle." - Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school." Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for 3 years, not Princeton." Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my #%@# clothes." Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to." Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro." Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." 1992- Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't

14 figure out where else to play." 1982 - Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." 1981 - Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back." 1966 - Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?" 1981 - Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co- captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time." 1991 - Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored in yet." 1986 - Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating." 1991 - Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker." 1996 - Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot." 1991 - Jim Colletto, Purdue football coach and former assistant at Arizona State and Ohio State, on his 11-year-old son's reaction after he took the job with the Boilermakers: "He said: 'Gosh, Dad, that mean's we're not going to any more bowl games." 1986 - LaVell Edwards, BYU football coach and one of 14 children: "They can't fire me because my family buys too many tickets." 1991 - Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care." 1991 - Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." 1987 - Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas AandM, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one Subject. ------

Things I wish I'd said at one time or another ...

1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care. 6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 7. What am I? Fly paper for freaks !?

15 8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. 12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. 13. No, my powers can only be used for good. 14. How about never? Is never good for you? 15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. 16. You sound reasonable - time to up my medication! 17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.. 19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 20. Who me? I just wander from room to room. 21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys! 22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy. 23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits. 24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 25. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 26. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject. ------

CONFUCIUS SAY: War not determine who right. War determine who left. Passionate kiss like spider web -- soon lead to undoing of fly. Man who drive like hell bound to get there. Baseball wrong: Man with 4 balls not able to walk! Fat man who fly upside down in airplane have big crack up. Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man with one chopstick go hungry. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. War doesn't determine who is right war determines who is left. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse. Man who drive like hell bound to get there. Man who stand on toilet is high on Pot. Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement. Man who farts in church sits in own pew. Crowded elevator smells different to midget. ------

What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie? A dog that runs for help - after it bites your leg off. What does it mean when the flag is at half-mast at the post office? They're hiring. A Cowboy, An Indian, A Mexican, and A Rabbi all walk into a bar, the Bartender looks at them and asks, "Is this some kind of a joke?" Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?

16 Because they're not going to work in the future, either. What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the cage front + a recipe. What's the Cuban national anthem? "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" ------

Some of Norm's best quotes from Cheers

"What'd you like Normie?" "A reason to live. Give me another beer."

"What'll you have Normie?" "Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap." "Looks like beer, Norm." "Call me Mister Lucky."

"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?" "Like a baby treats a diaper."

"What's shaking Norm?" "All four cheeks and a couple of chins."

"Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you." "I know; if she calls, I'm not here."

"Beer, Norm?" "Have I gotten that predictable? Good."

"What's going on Mr. Peterson?" "A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"

"Whatcha up to Norm?" "My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

"How's it going Mr. Peterson?" "Poor." "I'm sorry to hear that." "No, I mean POUR!"

"How's life treating you Norm?" "Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."

"Women. Can't live with 'em....pass the beer-nuts."

"What's going down, Normie?" "My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"

17 "Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."

"How's it going Mr. Peterson?" "It's a dog eat dog world, Woody and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."

"What's the story Norm?" "Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."

"What's going on Mr. Peterson?" "The question is what's going IN, Mr. Peterson? A beer please, Woody."

"Can I pour you a beer Mr. Peterson?" "A little early isn't it, Woody?" "For a beer?" "No. For a stupid question" ------

SIGNS In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait." Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak." In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." At a propane filling station, "Tank heaven for little grills." On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push." On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog." On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs." On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive." At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment." Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming." In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here." On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left." In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be." In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!" On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy !) In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up." Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop." In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want. I've cut my water bill by 70%. When my neighbor goes to work, I use his hose to water my lawn. If the tobacco and gun industries can be held liable for product abusers, why can't parents be held responsible for the actions of their children?

18 I bought some of the new Ronald Reagan postage stamps, but can't remember where I put them. Unless you're the lead dog, the scenery never changes. Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either. Been There - Shit Happened! I'm tired of reality - I want a fairy godmother! At a radiator shop: (A-1 Radiator) "Best Place in Town to take a Leak" Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." On local plumbing company trucks in NE PA: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak." Pizza shop slogan: "Buy our pizza. We knead the dough." At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout." On the door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?" At a laundry: "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?" At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive." At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be." ------

New Sayings That Should Be Put On Buttons 1 Well, this day was a total waste of make-up 2 Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen 3 Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom? 4 Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after 5 Errors have been made. Others will be blamed 6 Do I look like a freakin' people person? 7 This isn't an office - It's Hell with fluorescent lighting 8 How can one person be so stupid and still breathe? 9 I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me 10 If I throw a stick, will you leave? 11 You - Off my planet 12 Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap - You choose. 13 Meandering to a different drummer 14 Bottomless pit of needs and wants 15 I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes 16 Friendly checkout clerk - Thanks for keeping me that way 17 If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat 18 Does your train of thought have a caboose?

19 19 It ain't the size, it's – no, wait - it IS the size 20 I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert 21 Let me show you how the guards used to do it 22 And just how may I screw you over today? 23 And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...? 24 I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years 25 If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil 26 See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil 27 A PBS mind in an MTV world 28 Allow me to introduce my selves 29 Sarcasm is just one more service we offer 30 Whisper my favorite words: I'll buy it for you 31 Better living through denial 32 Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed 33 Suburbia: where they tear out trees and then name streets after them 34 Adult child of alien invaders 35 Do they ever shut up on your planet? 36 I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up 37 Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage 38 I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable. 39 I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 40 A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door 41 Stress is waking up screaming and realizing you haven't fallen asleep yet 42 How do I set a laser printer to stun? 43 After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs? 44 Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes? 45 Back off - You're standing in my aura 46 I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one 47 Don't worry - I forgot your name, too 48 Adults are just kids who owe money 49 One of us is thinking about sex - OK, it's me 50 How many times do I have to flush before you go away? 51 I just want revenge. Is that so wrong? 52 I work 40 hours a week to be this poor 53 You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing 54 Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2? 55 Okay, okay, I take it back! UnScrew you 56 Macho Law forbids my admitting I'm wrong 57 Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? 58 Not all men are annoying - Some are dead 59 Too may freaks - not enough circuses 60 Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done 61 A woman's favorite position is CEO 62 Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we? 63 You look like shit. Is that the style now? 64 Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except my friends deep inside the earth. 65 Earth is full - Go home 66 Is it time for your medication or mine? 67 Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?

20 68 I plead contemporary insanity 69 And which dwarf are you? 70 I refuse to star in your psychodrama 71 I thought I wanted a career - turns out I just wanted paychecks 72 I started out with nothing and still have most of it left 73 Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control 74 I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go? ------

SAYINGS TO SEE ON THOSE OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them. We put the "k" in "kwality." Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation. Plagiarism saves time. If at first you don't succeed, try management. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself. The beatings will continue until morale improves. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups. We waste time, so you don't have to. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away! Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY. Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment. We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day. You pretend to work, and we'll pretend to pay you. Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security. ------

Insanity is my only means of relaxation. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets. Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

21 Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them. One of life's mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds. My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely. Every time I think about exercise, I lie down until the thought goes away. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts. Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it "Closed for remodeling." (Caution - leave air holes) I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart. There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full. The real art of conversation: not only saying the right thing in the right place, but also leaving unsaid the wrong thing at the moment of temptation. Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone. Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. Sometimes I think I understand everything - then I regain consciousness. You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing. I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese. Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes. It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips. Age is important only if you're a cheese. The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she's pregnant. Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes. Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake. ------FOR SALE: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. Excellent Condition. $1200 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything ... ------If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? ------

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife

22 until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son. A man inserted an ad in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel! Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." Most men define marriage as an expensive way to get laundry done free. If it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. ------A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you. ------In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. Why? Do tall people burn slower? "Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candle light. Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Iraq. ------

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage. HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. ------"I joined the military when I was eighteen years old. I had 3 reasons: I wanted to defend my wonderful country; I knew it would help me morally and physically; and they drafted me." ------BUMPER STICKERS "I lost 250 pounds in one day, I divorced her." You're getting old when - you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. Statistics show that at the age of 70, there are 5 women to every man. Isn't that the damnedest time for a guy to get those odds? You know you're getting on in years when the office girls start confiding in you. By the time a man’s wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. Of course I'm against sin; I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy.

23 Jesus loves you - everyone else thinks you're an ass. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you! Save Your Breath - You'll need it to blow up your date! Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. Hang up and drive! Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings" Heart Attacks: God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by itself The proctologist called, they found your head Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film Some people don't know how to drive - I call these people Everybody But Me Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me Guys, just because you have 1, doesn't mean you have to be 1 It takes 8,460 bolts to assemble a car and 1 nut to scatter it all over the road Some dream of worthy accomplishments - others stay awake and do them. The trouble with owning a home is that no matter where you sit, you’re looking at something you should be doing. - - - - -

The world's 25 shortest books 25. "Things I wouldn't do for Money" by Dennis Rodman 24. Human Rights Advances in China 23. The Differences Between Reality and Dilbert 22. "The Book of Virtue" by Bill Clinton 21. "To all the Men I've Loved Before" Ellen DeGeneris 20. "My Plan to Find the Real Killers" by OJ Simpson 19. "Ross Perot: Intelligent Quotes" 18. Al Gore: The Wild Years 17. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean 16. America's Most Popular Lawyers 15. Career Opportunities for History Majors 14. Detroit - A Travel Guide 13. Different Ways to Spell "Bob" 12. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches 11. Italian War Heroes: WW II 10. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance 9. Everything Men Know About Women 8. Everything Women Know About Men 7. French Hospitality 6. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names 5. "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel 4. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA 3. Staple Your Way to Success 2. The Amish Phone Book and the Number One World's Shortest Book:

24

1. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion ------

Dilbert's Words of Wisdom 1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either. 2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. 3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know? 4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. 5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. 6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives. 7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. 8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. 9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again. 10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. 11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I though to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!" 12. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. 13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. 14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier. 15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. 16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. ------BEST NEWSPAPER HEADLINES Include Your Children When Baking Cookies Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Drunk Get 9 Months in Violin Case Iraqi Head Seeks Arms Prostitutes Appeal to Pope Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands Teacher Strikes Idle Kids Clinton Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told Miners Refuse to Work After Death Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Stolen Painting Found by Tree 2 Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead War Dims Hope for Peace If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space

25 Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents March Planned For Next August Blind Bishop Appointed To See Lingerie Shipment Hijacked - Thief Gives Police The Slip L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide Patient At Death's Door - Doctors Pull Him Through Latin Course To Be Canceled - No Interest Among Students, et. al. Diaper Market Bottoms Out Stadium Air Conditioning Fails - Fans Protest Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped Henshaw Offers Rare Opportunity to Goose Hunters Farmer Bill Dies in House Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms Eye Drops off Shelf Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax 2 Soviet Ships Collide - One Dies Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing Air Head Fired Steals Clock, Faces Time Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One Deer Kill 17,000 Ban On Soliciting Dead In Trotwood New Vaccine May Contain Rabies ------Anagrams George Bush When you rearrange the letters: He bugs Gore Dormitory Dirty Room Evangelist Evil’s Agent Desperation A Rope Ends It The Morse Code Here Come Dots Slot Machines Cash Lost in 'em Animosity Is No Amity Mother-in-law Woman Hitler Snooze Alarms Alas! No More Z's A Decimal Point: I'm a Dot in Place

26 The Earthquakes That Queer Shake Eleven plus two Twelve plus one

And for the grand finale: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Here's a fun anagram from Shakespeare’s Hamlet: "To be or not to be, that is the question. Whether t'is nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune...." Now here's the anagram of that quote: "In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten." ------

Things I Have Learned In 50 Years (by Dave Barry) 1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it. 2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time. 3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor. 4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment. 5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 6. A penny saved is worthless. 7. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. 8. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip. 9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background is that, deep down inside, we all believe we are above-average drivers. 10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11. 11. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." 12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 13. Nobody is normal. 14. At least once a year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that: * The universe is even bigger than they thought! * There are even more subatomic particles than they thought! * Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong! 15. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved - and never will - its full potential, that word would be meetings. 16. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them. 17. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example: • If the advertisement says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile," the

27 advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to old farts like your father. • If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are significant differences between these 2 products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical. • If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes enable athletes to perform amazing feats, Nike wants you to disregard the fact that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic ability. • If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the critical importance of a beer's "born-on" date, Budweiser knows this factor has virtually nothing to do with how good a beer tastes. 18. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle. 19. You should not confuse your career with your life. 20. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. 21. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. 22. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. 23. Your friends love you anyway. ------

FACTOIDS Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month? A. Conception.

Q. What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS from every other TV show? A. No theme song.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their birthplace.

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What’s the most popular name requested? A. Obsession

Q. More women do this in the bathroom than men. A. Wash their hands. Women - 80% Men - 55%

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common? A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey

Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year. A. Father's Day

28 Q. 40% of all people who come to a party in your home do this? A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet. ------Women's T-Shirt Sayings I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them. Next mood swing: 6 minutes. Please don't make me kill you. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're ok now. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it. Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later. Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time... Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time. Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths? You, me, whipped cream, handcuffs. Any questions? You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP. All stressed out and no one to choke. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people. Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not. Don't tick me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies. Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares? I hate everybody, and you're next. And your point is... I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day. I'm multi-talented: I can talk and tick you off at the same time. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win. How can I miss you if you won't go away? If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy. ------Words of Wisdom 1. Birds of a feather flock together - and crap on your car. 2. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. 3. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. 4. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain. 5. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. 6. He who hesitates is probably right. 7. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. ------

Wit is educated insolence. --Aristotle

Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow. --Oscar Wilde

He who laughs, lasts. --Mary Pettibone Poole

Cabbage: a Vegetable about as large and as wise a man's head. --Ambrose Bierce

29 Man: an animal (whose) chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada. --Ambrose Bierce

Woman: an animal having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication ... the species is most widely distributed of all beasts of prey ... the woman is omnivorous and can be taught not to talk. --Ambrose Bierce ------

Tee Shirts 1. Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam. (seen on Cape Cod) 2. That's It! I'm Calling Grandma! (seen on an 8-year-old) 3. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up 4. Procrastinate Now. 5. Rehab Is for Quitters. 6. My Dog Can Lick Anyone. 7. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That? 8. Party - My Crib - Two A. M. (on a baby-size shirt) 9. Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15. 10. ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING. 11. West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 last names. 12. FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software. 13. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN. 14. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 15. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. 16. STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere! 17. DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music. 18. MOOSEHEAD: A great beer and a new experience for a moose. 19. They call it 'PMS' because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken. 20. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead. 21. Time's fun when you're having flies - Kermit the Frog. 22. POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN - Cops have nothing to go on. 23. FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once. 24. Rehab Is for Quitters. 25. A PICTURE IS WORTH 1000 WORDS, but it uses up 1000x the memory. 26. The Meek shall inherit the earth - after we're through with it. 27. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 28. HAM & EGGS: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig. 29. WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years. 30. The trouble with life is there's no background music. 31. IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX? 32. "Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake! 33. The original point-and-click interface was a Smith and Wesson. 34. MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT. 35. Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit. 36. Computer programmers know how to use their hardware. 37. MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup team. 38. NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine. 39. Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.

30 40. A shirt with a Harley Davidson logo on the front. The back said: IF YOU CAN READ THIS, MY WIFE FELL OFF! 41. Party - MY CRIB - Two A.M. (On a baby-size shirt) 42. That's it! I'm Calling Grandma! (Seen on an 8-year-old) 43. Time's fun when you're having flies - Kermit the Frog. 44. Finally 21 - and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15. ------

WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE TOO LONG? Polaroids.

WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE? It scares the hell out of the dog.

WHY DO PILGRIMS' PANTS ALWAYS FALL DOWN? Because their belt buckles are on their hats.

HOW DO YOU CATCH A UNIQUE RABBIT? Unique up on it.

HOW DO YOU CATCH A TAME RABBIT? Tame way, unique up on it.

WHAT GOES CLOP, CLOP, CLOP, BANG, BANG, CLOP, CLOP, CLOP? An Amish drive-by shooting. ------

What I have learned as I have matured... I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better be well endowed. I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think. I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished. I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we’re celebrities. I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades - and there had better be a lot of money to take its place. I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it. I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. ------

Everything I Need To Know I Learned From The Easter Bunny

Don't put all of your eggs in one basket. Walk softly and carry a big carrot. Everyone needs a friend who is all ears. There's no such thing as too much candy.

31 All work and no play can make you a basket case. A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention. Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day. Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits. Some body parts should be floppy. Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans. The grass is always greener in someone else's basket. An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare. To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell. The best things in life are still sweet and gooey! ------All I Need to Know about Life I Learned From a Snowman

~ It's okay if you're a little bottom heavy. ~ Hold your ground, even when the heat is on. ~ Wearing white is always appropriate. ~ It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection. ~ There's nothing better than a foul weather friend. ~ The key to life is to be a jolly, happy soul. ~ We're all made up of mostly water. ~ You know you've made it when they write a song about you. ~ Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize! ~ Don't get too much sun. ~ It's embarrassing when you can't look down and see your feet. ~ It's fun to hang out in your front yard. ~ There's no stopping you once you're on a roll. ------

New definitions ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they’re born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage. HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. SECRET: Something you tell to 1 person at a time. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines. YAWN: An honest Opinion openly expressed. ------

Did you hear about the shipment of Viagra that was stolen? Police are looking for hardened criminals in possession of swollen goods.

32

And in Britain, the Police were looking for a gang of hardened criminals! ------

THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME - AFTER THE OTHER PLACES CLOSE.

IF YOU STOP TELLING LIES ABOUT ME, I'LL STOP TELLING THE TRUTH ABOUT YOU!

WHAT'S IT CALLED WHEN YOU HIT A WHITE MAN ON THE HEAD? HONKY-TONK!

HEAR ABOUT THE FELLOW WITH 2 WOODEN LEGS? THEY CAUGHT FIRE AND HE BURNT TO THE GROUND.

HEAR ABOUT THE HOOKER FROM CHERNOBYL? NOW SHE GIVES GLOW JOBS.

WHAT DO YOU CALL 2000 POUNDS OF ORIENTAL SOUP? ONE TON.

HOW DO I LOVE THEE? LET ME COUNT THE WAYS … YOUR WAY and MY WAY; THIS WAY and THAT WAY; THE RIGHT WAY and THE WRONG WAY; PARAGUAY, URUGUAY and NORWAY; DOORWAY; CURDS and WHEY; THE AMERICAN WAY; ANCHORS AWEIGH; KINGS HIGHWAY...and FAR AWAY ------

How can you tell when you run out of invisible ink? Could someone ever get addicted to counseling? If so, how could you treat them? Can you be a closet claustrophobic? Did Adam and Eve have navels? Does anyone ever vanish with a trace? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him? If a tree falls in the forest and no one’s around to see it, do other trees make fun of it? If psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way? If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress? If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, "Quit while you're still ahead?" If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do You call it? What did we do before the Law of Gravity was passed? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? Why are we afraid of falling? Shouldn't we be afraid of the sudden stop? Why do airlines call flights nonstop? Don't they all stop eventually? Why is the alphabet in that order? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? You know how most packages say "Open here" What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else?"

33 You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane with the same substance? Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking? ------

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Giligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours. They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see in their dreams? Do they dream??

Why ARE Trix only for kids?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

If it's a 50mph wind, and you drive your car 50mph downwind, if you stick your head out the window, do you feel the wind?

34 ------

Marriage is like taking a hot bath. After you've been in it for a while ... it isn't so hot.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, 'Well, that's not going to happen.'

While playing a poker game, if you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is -- it's you.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I've come to realize it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

There's a theory that states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There's another theory that states this has already happened. ------

Each year the Washington Post's Style Invitational asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by changing only one letter and supply a new definition. Here are the 2001 winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high up.

Sarchasm: A gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

35 Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit!)

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeer Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. nd, the winner of the Washington Post's Style Invitational......

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ass hole. ------

It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

The only reason I’d take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

36