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REAL MEN DON’T PRETEND AND OTHER STORIES By CANNON ROBERTS Bachelor of Arts in Humanities Lubbock Christian University Lubbock, Texas 2005 Master of Arts in English Binghamton University Binghamton, New York 2007 Submitted to the Faculty of the Graduate College of the Oklahoma State University in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the Degree of MASTERS in FINE ARTS December, 2015 REAL MEN DON’T PRETEND AND OTHER STORIES Dissertation Approved: Professor Aimee Parkison Dissertation Adviser Dr. William Decker Dr. Becky Damron ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS I would like to thank Jon Billman who worked with me for several years and acted as my true advisor and mentor. I would also like to thank Drs. Van Delinder and Tucker in the graduate school for stepping in and fixing problems after the English department fell apart and could not fix their own political decisions and disasters. I am thankful to finally be done. Name: CANNON ROBERTS Date of Degree: DECEMBER, 2015 Title of Study: REAL MEN DON’T PRETEND AND OTHER STORIES Major Field: MASTERS IN FINE ARTS Abstract: This collection centers on the conflict of idealism versus coming into contact with reality. In the three stories written in third person, characters from different cultures and socio-economic statuses must to grips with their own prejudices and mistrusts while trying to hold on to their idealistic self-perceptions. In the story ”Lady and Mateo,” an autistic convenient store clerk befriends a customer who was recently released from prison only to be swayed by his sister that Lady cannot be trusted. The idealistic daughter has a similar conflict of identity in “The Farm and the Family” when her perceptions of great-grandmother are shattered when she finds out the old lady is just as mean and bitter as her sons who have found wealth in Fort Worth. The first person stories also deal with the idealism versus reality but in a much more internal and personal way for the narrators. In “Jugs for Jesus,” the narrator questions his sheltered world view and lifestyle after meeting one of the bikini clad baristas from the coffee shop that shares a parking lot with the piano store he manages. While the narrator of “The Art of Staring” must confront the fact that he is not a misunderstood artist but a student too lazy for college whose mother happens to be a famous artist. All these characters struggle to reconcile their perceptions of themselves and the world with the reality that they come to face on a day to day basis. Table of Contents Cleaning Lessons ………………………... 3 Real Men Don’t Pretend ………...………. 20 The Farm and the Family ……………….. 37 Lady and Mateo …………………………. 50 Various Forms of Guilt ………………….. 66 Misplaced Sexual Hubris ……………...... 87 What We Talk About When We Talk ...... 103 About Parental Love Sleeping on the Graves of Relatives We ... 114 Never Knew Cowles …………………..……………… 126 Because of Pope Joan ……..…………… 150 There are No Driveways in Sex ……...... 158 Roberts/7 Cleaning Lessons One of the perks of working the day shift – besides not having to get up at four in the morning or work until midnight – is that I have my own cubicle. I even have a key to my desk which means I can lock my headset in the drawer and not worry about some kid coming by and stealing it. Headset theft is a big problem here. When I worked in the pit, I took the headset home. Otherwise, I would have had to use one with lipstick all over the mouthpiece or hair grease on the earphones. Twice, I rubbed someone else’s earwax on the side of my face. After that second time, I went to the snack bar to buy a set. Along with nachos, burritos, and Cokes, the company snack bar sold two different types of headsets and extra foam cushions for the ear pieces. I bought the more expensive one for twenty dollars. That was over two hours’ worth of earnings if I adjusted my wages for income tax and Social Security. This pair was nicer because it didn’t have the disposable ear pads and was supposed to be noise cancelling. They’re actually no different than the cheap ones. In fact, being able to change ear pads would have been better since mine wore thin in a couple of weeks. But I spent twenty bucks, so, like every other afternoon, I lock the headset in the drawer and check the time. I stand up with my co-workers, simultaneously. The clocks on everyone’s computers are synchronized and clock everyone out automatically unless they’re on a call, but most people know how to be off the phone when quitting time comes around. The thirty employees who work the day shift all migrate to the parking lot. Roberts/8 “Take your time, William,” Douglas says. He is sitting in the truck with the windows down. “Tell Chris to let me clock out early. Tell him we have to pick up Gracie before six- thirty.” Douglas starts the truck and acts like he’s pondering the question. This was a look he perfected when Missy was alive. She would get mad when she felt like he wasn’t thinking about whatever question she had asked, so he developed this pondering look. I’ve seen his mouth move a few times in the midst of his brooding and I’m pretty sure he’s just singing the chorus of Hall and Oates’ “Private Eyes.” “Can’t do it,” Douglas says as I buckle my seat belt. “Chris isn’t on my team and I can’t step out of my zone. You know how things work. And don’t call her Gracie. Your sister hates that.” National Wireless loves structure. The call center has six teams, each with a team leader and two assistants. Douglas is an assistant. Chris is a team leader, my team leader. Each team consists of three crews, which have a crew leader and ten representatives. I’m a representative. I shouldn’t complain – though I usually do whenever anyone will listen – since I was able to make one of the three day crews. Usually, employees have to work for a year or more before getting moved to the nine to six shift. I got there in six months. If I had stayed working four to midnight or six in the morning to two in the afternoon, I’d probably be a crew leader already. Employees who are actually smart or can at least show up to work on a regular basis are usually made crew leaders after six months. But not me. And I’m okay with that. We drive back to Gatesville in silence. Douglas says he can’t hear me with the windows down so there is no reason to talk. The air conditioner doesn’t work so he won’t roll the windows Roberts/9 up. He says he doesn’t like to drive home in a sauna. Really this is an excuse for Douglas not to talk. Because it’s not like we talk once we get home either. We eat dinner in front of the television then go to separate corners of the house for the rest of the evening. The only time we speak is when we argue about who was the last to change Gracie’s diaper. Missy would be furious at us both if she saw how we were living. One of the only reasons Douglas helped me get a job at National Wireless was so Gracie would never have to be in daycare. At first, Missy led me to believe that Douglas helped me out of the kindness of his own heart. I was going through a rough patch, still living with our parents, unemployed, and having a hard time getting myself out of bed every morning. Douglas, in a rare moment of altruism, came through and got me a job. Or this is what I was led to believe. Turns out, Missy wanted me to move down to Gatesville and work for National Wireless so I could help with Gracie. It also turns out that getting hired at National Wireless is about as difficult as falling off a bike that isn’t moving. Half the people that work there are related because some cousin or brother or aunt recommended them. Really the only way I wouldn’t have been hired at National is if Douglas actively campaigned against me. So really, the only helpful thing he ever did was keep his mouth shut. Douglas is right, though. Missy hated when people said Gracie instead of Grace. She always said that the first thing she was attracted to was Douglas’s name. Which is totally weird, but that’s just how Missy rolled. She liked that he didn’t go by Doug and soon after they started dating, Missy refused to call me anything but William even though I had gone by Will since the day I was born. This was all because she hated that her own name sounded like an abbreviation. She said she would be forever a child because of her name and blamed several missed job opportunities on that fact. I think it may have been her confrontational interview style. Her strategy was to turn the interview around onto the employer. I never saw how that would work Roberts/10 and I, personally, never come across that forceful. She tried going by Melissa for a while, but that was just silly. Everyone already knew her by Missy. Douglas pulls up in front of the babysitter’s house.

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