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SHY 1 The University of Alberta Press SHY An Anthology NAOMI K. LEWIS & RONA ALTROWS, EDITORS Published by The University of Alberta Press Ring House 2 Edmonton, Alberta, Canada T6G 2E1 www.uap.ualberta.ca Copyright © 2013 The University of Alberta Press Library and archivEs canada caTaLoGuinG in PubLicaTion Shy : an anthology / Naomi K. Lewis and Rona Altrows, editors. (Robert Kroetsch series) Issued in print and electronic formats. isbn 978–0–88864–670–5 (pbk.).—isbn 978–0–88864–743–6 (epub).— isbn 978–0–88864–744–3 (Amazon kindle).—isbn 978–0–88864–745–0 (pdf) 1. Bashfulness—Literary collections. 2. Canadian literature (English)—21st century. 3. Canadian essays (English)—21st century. 4. Canadian poetry (English)—21st century. I. Altrows, Rona, 1948–, editor of compilation II. Lewis, Naomi K., 1976–, editor of compilation III. Series: Robert Kroetsch series Ps8237.b38s59 2013 c810.8’0353 c2013–904967–3 C2013–904968–1 First edition, first printing, 2013. Printed and bound in Canada by Houghton Boston Printers, Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. Copyediting and proofreading by Lesley Peterson. A volume in the Robert Kroetsch series. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be produced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without prior written consent. Contact the University of Alberta Press for further details. The University of Alberta Press is committed to protecting our natural environment. As part of our efforts, this book is printed on Enviro Paper: it contains 100% post-consumer recycled fibres and is acid- and chlorine-free. The University of Alberta Press gratefully acknowledges the support received for its publishing program from The Canada Council for the Arts. The University of Alberta Press also gratefully acknowledges the financial support of the Government of Canada through the Canada Book Fund (cbF) and the Government of Alberta through the Alberta Multimedia Development Fund (aMdF) for its publishing activities. 6 7 To our fellow shyniks everywhere, in admiration and solidarity. In memory of Shirley Limbert. Contents xi Foreword NAOMI K. LEWIS & RONA ALTROWS xiii Acknowledgements 1 Sometimes a Voice (2) DON MC KAY 2 Silentium STEVEN HEIGHTON 3 On Shyness and Stuttering ELIZABETH HAYNES 11 The Shy DAVID VAN BUREN 12 I Couldn’t Reveal ELAINE WOO 13 Say Water NAOMI K. LEWIS 27 affect Thrum NATALIE SIMPSON 28 that animal WEYMAN CHAN 29 Creepmouse Manifesto SYLVIA STOPFORTH 35 Fisher Woman VIVIAN HANSEN 36 The Culture of Shyness ALEX BOYD 37 Under the I DHANA MUSIL 42 High School Shyku LORI D. ROADHOUSE 43 Young Expressions EVE S. KRAKOW 56 My Dear X ELIZABETH ZOTOVA 59 Change Room BRUCE MEYER 60 Cloak of Invisibility MADELAINE WONG 65 Shy and I SYDNEY SHARPE 67 Shades and Shyness ARITHA VAN HERK 75 Secret Self ELIZABETH GREENE 76 Disturbing the Universe ELIZABETH GREENE 78 On Mingling JENNIFER HOULE 80 Good for Olivier RONA ALTROWS 85 Insecurity MICHELINE MAYLOR 86 How to be shy KERRY RYAN 91 Shybrightly SHAWNA LEMAY 98 Stage Fright CASSY WELBURN 100 As I Stand Up Here Reading, Fear Holds My Hånd CAROL L. MAC KAY 101 Are You an Introvert? Take This Simple Quiz JANIS BUTLER HOLM 103 a more blissful orbit STUART IAN MC KAY 104 Women Friends BRIAN CAMPBELL 106 Shy—10 Ways RUSSELL WANGERSKY 119 Drunk Judgement STEVEN HEIGHTON 120 When Love Was Grey & Timid I.B. ISKOV 121 Redder Than a Canadian Sunset SHIRLEY LIMBERT 127 Laundry Duty MIKE DUGGAN 128 to the red-haired girl on eighth WEYMAN CHAN 130 Common Loon JEFF MILLER 138 Crosswalk JENNIFER HOULE 139 Watching My Lover LORNA CROZIER 141 Other People’s Agony BEN GELINAS 151 It’s Okay that Late at Night WADE BELL 153 Amongst the Unseen and Unheard DEBBIE BATEMAN 163 Contributors 171 Permissions NAOMI K. LEWIS & RONA ALTROWS Foreword WE EMbarkEd on This anThoLoGy ProjEcT with an assumption: that shyness was a single authentic way of being in the world, and a damn good way at that. Then, as submissions rolled in, writers set us straight with the complexity of their work. Shyness, it turns out, grows slipperier the harder we try to hold it down. Some of us know we’re shy only because everyone says so; others know we’re shy though the world tells us we’re not. We’re told, explicitly and implicitly, that our shyness can and should be “overcome.” So sometimes we move to the centre of the room, and sometimes we like the attention. Sometimes we wish with quiet rage that gentleness were enough. Sometimes we choke— important, unspoken words jammed painfully in our throats. Long have the shy been misinterpreted and misunderstood. Enough. Through the essays and poetry in these pages, thirty-nine writers recall, lament, and celebrate our own experiences with shyness. We define “shy” in a million shifting ways, and find that, while shyness may be painful and raw, it may also bring empathy, sensitivity, humour, a keen appreciation of subtlety. Shy: each contributor to this anthology has a distinctive take on how it feels and what it means. Shy: voices still and struggling; well-meaning teachers hammering at child-shells; high-school hallways cacophonous with extroverted ghouls; stages bright-lit and microphones like guns in our faces; parties buzzing with small talk; workplaces demanding the exposed self nine to five; love shaking the bent cage of the heart; the usually boisterous dumbstruck. As editors of this volume, we had hoped to find a place for quiet, careful voices to sing and holler, but you will also find whispers; cries of triumph and despair; nervous giggles of xi the overwrought; frustrated sighs; easy laughter of those newly comfortable in their own skins. We offer these essays and poems with no more assumptions, but with these hopes: that our fellow shyniks will find a familiar strain, that the never-shy will understand their quieter neighbours a little better, and that readers will find these pieces as striking, funny, and surprising as we do. xii Acknowledgements Shawna Lemay’s essay nudged the idea for this anthology into being, and Laurel Boone, Jason Markusoff, Sydney Sharpe and Sydney Schwartz provided much-needed advice. I was Writer-in- Residence at the Calgary Public Library throughout the bulk of this book’s editing, and found there time, space, enrichment, and encouragement, especially from Marje Wing. Rona Altrows came on board eagerly, with her keen eye, warmth, and experience. Thank you, all. —naoMi Thank you to Naomi K. Lewis, for inviting me to co-edit, and for being such a joy to collaborate with. The journey with Naomi and our Shy contributors has satisfied me deeply. Thank you to Bill Paterson, my companion and consultant in all things. —rona We are both grateful to Cathie Crooks, Peter Midgley, Lesley Peterson, and everyone at the University of Alberta Press, and Jonathan Meakin, for their expertise and encouragement. Our contributors’ brilliance and diligence, and their patience, ensured that this book became more than we’d dared to hope. We thank everyone who sent us essays and poetry about shyness—so many moving and fierce pieces we did not have room to include. This project was supported by a grant from the Alberta Foundation for the Arts. xiii Shy DON MC KAY Sometimes a Voice (2) Sometimes a voice—have you heard this?— wants not to be a voice any longer and this longing is the worst of longings. Nothing assuages. Not the curry-comb of conversation, not the dog-eared broken satisfactions of the blues. It huddles in the lungs and won’t come out. Not for the Mendelssohn Choir constructing habitable spaces in the air, not for Yeats intoning “Song of the Old Mother” to an ancient microphone. It curls up in its cave and will not stir. Not for the gentle quack of saxophone, not for the raven’s far-calling croak. Not for oh the lift of poetry, or ah the lover’s sigh, or um the phrase’s lost left shoe. It tucks its nose beneath its brush and won’t. If her whisper tries to pollinate your name, if a stranger yells hey kid, va t’en chez toi to set another music going in your head it simply enters deafness. Nothing assuages. Maybe it is singing high in the cirque, burnishing itself against the rockwall, maybe it is clicking in the stones turned by the waves like faceless dice. Have you heard this?—in the hush of invisible feathers as they urge the dark, stroking it toward articulation? Or the moment when you know it’s over and the nothing which you have to say is falling all around you, lavishly, pouring its heart out. 1 Silentium STEVEN HEIGHTON Tyutchev, 1830: an approximation Don’t speak. Stay hidden and withhold all word of your thoughts, your dreams. Sealed in the soul’s cosmos, let them sail like stars, through private skies, then fall from sight before the dawn, unmarred. Savour their arc. Don’t say a word. How can your heart pin down the phrase by which it might be grasped? We lose, in translation, the worlds we know. Say a thing and it turns untrue and leaves the deep spring’s face sound-scarred. Drink from the source. Don’t say a word. Learn to live in the self’s retreat— a cosmos forms there, where the light can’t force its way and where no sound drowns out the spell of singing mind and leaves it dazzled, deaf, unheard. Take in the song. Don’t say a word. 2 ELIZABETH HAYNES On Shyness and Stuttering The legitimacy of my voice, wherever I am, seems a question.