Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Tenure*, Page 7 S*But were afraid to ask

RHOS

SOU WESTER 1848 The Weekly Student Newspaper of Rhodes College Vol. LXaX VI, No. 12 Wednesday, February 3, 1999 Candidate List Narrowed In Presidential Search By Jean Norton The campus search committees tinue after the president retires. Staff Writer include the Staff Search Committee, "Daughdrill has developed Following the January 21-22 the Faculty Search Committee, and with a number of key supporters Board of Trustees meeting, Rhodes the Student Search Committee, ac- deep, strong, and meaningful re- administrators provided additional cording to Wendy Rotter, Director of lations," said Dean of Develop- information regarding the progress Major Gifts and Chair of the Staff ment Arthur Criscillis. of the presidential search and Search Committee. According to "The Daughdrill Rhodes President James Daughdrill's "I feel very positive because of Legacy," a pamphlet published by post-retirement plans. the consensus between the [four Rhodes, Daughdrill has signifi- Chair of the Board of Trustees groups] regarding the candidates," cantly increased the endowment Frank Mitchener, Jr., said in a Janu- Rotter said. during his tenure at Rhodes. The ary 27 memo to the Rhodes campus The candidates are all deans or pamphlet states that Daughdrill community, "Dr. John Kuhnle and presidents at other liberal arts col- has come to know the benefactors Ms. Monisha Kaplan of Korn/Ferry leges, said Rotter. She added that all of Rhodes well and has encour- International [search firm] reported the candidates have strong academic aged them to increase their dona- that approximately 150 candidates and business backgrounds and that tions to the school. had applied, been nominated or re- all the candidates are male. Criscillis stated that the tran- cruited." No one from Rhodes has been sition to a new president should "At the request of the combined nominated as a candidate, according not decrease the financial backing Board and campus [search] commit- to Rotter. of the College. tees, Dr. Kuhnle will now research One question raised by the Photo by Chris McKenzie additional information on about two presidential search is whether or not Assistant Professor of Math and Computer Science Eric Gottlieb, John dozen candidates," Mitchener's the financial backing secured by Quigley ('99), and Mike Wottle ('99) study in the newly refurbished memo stated. Daughdrill for the College will con- Buckman Library in Ohlendorf Hall. See related story, page 5. Rhodes Prepares For Y2K Complications By Ami Okasinski through the use of four-digit dates four-digit dates. progress. One is the bookstore, system, said Boone. Since the cards Staff Writer in software. According to Lemond and which has a separate management are so widely used, this is a big con- Rhodes administrators say that "Rhodes has been preparing for Munson, several of the College's system. cern. However, the system is being the College anticipates few, if any, Y2K for about four years," said adapted programs have already been "This project should be com- completely upgraded in April. computer-related problems regard- Charles Lemond, Director of successfully tested. plete within the next three months;' "In terms of critical applications, ing the year 2000 (Y2K). Rhodes' Computer Center. "When Lemond said that the biggest Boone said. I think we're in very, very good Best Internet Communications the problem first became apparent, unknown factor is the Internet. The other area is the Lynx card shape, Lemond said. (BIC), a corporation focused on we started modifying the adminis- However, he added that Rhodes has Internet- and computer-related trative software." received assurance from TecNet, its business concerns, explains on its Lemond explained that this un- Internet provider, that the program website that the potential for such dertaking has been complete for over that connects Rhodes to the Internet Inside this Issue problems is traceable to the conven- a year. is Y2K compliant. This Week: Robert MacQueen's Picks of the Week, page 6 tion of using two-digit dates (for The Computer Center software Dean of Administrative Services example, "90" for 1990) in software. written here on campus is also Y2K Allen Boone, who is acting as According to BIGC, the two-digit compliant, Lemond added. He is Rhodes' Y2K coordinator, also ex- A Defense of Memphis page 3 system saves time and space but may "confident it will work properly." pressed confidence about College present major problems when com- The Office of the Registrar is also compliance. puter operators attempt to enter "00" prepared for Y2K, according to Reg- The problem has been handled Helping The Homeless page 5 for 2000. istrar Glenn Munson. in three major areas, Boone stated. Computers will read the "00" as "I don't anticipate any prob- Those areas are administrative op- "1900:' and the implications of the lems," Munson stated. erating systems, Computer Center Spring Sports Preview page 8 error are widespread for everything Munson explained that all systems, and the third-party vendors from record-keeping to machinery records, including those involving the College relies on. JHD Invades page 12 operation. scheduling, grades, and graduation, Boone reported that there are Belgium Such problems can be avoided have been changed to incorporate only two major systems still in Opinion Wed nesday, Feiruary 3, 1999 cinmSTAFF LETTR-TO-THP.- EDITOR EITORIAL OF. THE Sov*WE$ER Editor-in-Chief Melody Barnett To the Editor, This semester has undoubt- One of the hallmarks of de- cerned Rhodes students are AssociteEdior edly been difficult for many pression and grief is a feeling of aware of this need and are cur- MaryMcCqr The brothers of Sigma Alpha Ep. members of the Rhodes com- immobility and helplessness. It is rently working to meet it. Business Manager silon fraternity wish to thank all of munity. If the suffering brought important in those times not only In one residence hall this Kan Danel those who have showed their con- on by loss, illness, anxiety, and to seek help from others, but also week, students met in a com- Production Man-ge cern and compassion for Bryan fear affects one of us, it affects to extend yourself to help others fortable and familiar environ- BradyPotts us all, and now is the time Keane. Bryan was a beautiful per- for who share your situation.. There ment to discuss their feelings SECTION EDITORS son who would always greet us with us to call upon one another for are things that we cannot change with people they know. The for- A &E Editor Brandon Barr a smile, handshake, and hug long help and Comfort. or help, but there are those that we mat of the discussion provided Scene Editor Matthew Shipe with a wonderful compliment of genu- But where do we go for help, can. a respite from the kinds of meet- News Editor Kathryn Royster and what can we say if someone In addition to supporting one ings that can become more of a Sports Editor Susan Hughes ine warmth. Bryan pursued life with Rhode'ster Editor Brady Potts fervor and his compassion for all was turns to us? It can be as diffi- another, we also need to know burden than a help If individu- cult to find the correct healing when to encourage individuals to STAFF WRITERS exemplary. He was a model student, als feel that this type of gather- Emily ayes Kenneth Lukas friend, and brother; his memory will words in these situations as it is seek professional help. Our RAs ing would be beneficial, they Kalman Benscth Matthew Marotte to trust another person with and the counseling center are Brad Dunare SarahMarll always be lively and precious. As should discuss coordinating one Jennifer Durochic Anke Mtsfu we grieve we realize that having a one's pain. trained to provide guidance in this with their RAs or friends. We David lder Amy Okinmki shoulder to lean on is a wonderful One characteristic of this matter. all spend a lot of time with FarrahFite JosephQuintana Grant Gandy Nathan Regain thing, and many people have gone community, however, is the The Counseling Center offers people, but we don't always take Nik Granger Man Reed out of their way to offer us just that. strength of the bonds we seem both group and individual coun- time out to share our inner lives AngdaGreedey LisaRoy to form with one another, and off- Max Groth Laura Simpson We also offer our condolences to rseling, as well as referrals to with them. Tun Hayes JeremySmith those of you who knew him. All of we are unique in the fact that campus mental health care An important part of the Drew Hughes Misay Stem these bonds exist not only be- providers. They prefer that stu- SethJones Mayam Tanhae our thoughts and prayers are with healing process is learning not Patrick Lane Amy idwell Bryan, his family, and his friends. tween students, but also be- dents make appointments to en- to blame ourselves or others for HeatherLockridge ValWine We all love you, Bryan. tween students and faculty. sure that students receive the best the suffering around us. Rather, Despite these bonds, there possible attention, but we can focus on healing our GRAPHICS & DESIGN STAFF Phi Alpha, are times when an individual accomodate walk-ins as quickly as community through mutual en- Layout Assistant Andrea Schneider Photography Editor Chris McKenzie The brotherhood of Sigma Alpha needs the assistance of a trained possible. couragement and gratitude for and compassionate counselor The center has also Staff Photographers Brian Choate Epsilon contracted those who have provided aid Copy Editor Ben Houston rather than the sympathy of a with UT Medical Group to provide and comfort. Design By Jonathan Nolen A memorial service will be held in friend. This does not mean, after-hours assistance to anyone We at The Sou'wester extend Online Editor Emily Slagle honor of Bryan on Wednesday, Feb- however, that we should use the affiliated with Rhodes or con- our deepest sympathies to the AssoteOnlne Sarah Bettinger wary 3 at Montgomery Belle Acad- existence of Rhodes' highly pro- cerned about someone who is af- friends and family of Bryan PAioo emy in Nashville. The proceedings fessional counseling facilities as filiated with Rhodes. Keane, and to others who may COLUMNISTS will be held in the school gymnasium. an excuse to stop listening to For those who would prefer be suffering due to the illnesses Lisa Bentivogli Joe Peeples each other. the confidence of a peer, con- or loss of loved ones. Elizabeth Land Matthew Shipe All are welcomed and encouraged Eric McIntyre Greg Sims to attend. Jeremy Mungle Roblin Webb (Editor's Note: There will be a Rhodes campus service for Bryan CORRECTION: As the official student newspaper of Keane on Friday, February 5, at A sportscaption incorrectly identified Rhodes College, The SsuireaterIs a swimmer last week as Matt 5:00p.m. in the Evergreen Sanctu- produced entirely by the students a Reardon. The swimmer in the picture staff It functions indepenadetly of ary) is Nick Grojean ('00) Get Involved. islty anddmnisttion. Its pub- sdnd weey throughout e llmand The Editorial Staff of The sprhS , , tor, except durin ra Rhodes To Nowhere periods and breaks. Sou'westeris composed of 12 Staff meetings are open to the By JusnN BAKER Rhodes community and convene students. every Sunday afternoon at 2 p.m. The Set. water is a member of the Student Publications Board, a six-publication there art Sacs we now, consortium that includes the editors of all student publications, class rep- and those wr den'... In May, 8 of these students will resentativ, and at-l represent- tive from the student body. graduate. All staff editorials published in 71v .peo)e twe,1)nee Sou'wearr represent the majority opinion of the Editorial Board com- a1106k n(, r ie Two'.. posed of section editors and execu- Iwo.I . PM1! ~-'^"r -.... f. " ,_ tive editors. Opinions expressed in You do the math. The Rbed,'stor opinion columns, and letters-to-the-editor do not necessar- ily reflect the opinions of The Sou'aer Editorial Board. Letters- to-the-editor are encouraged; all let- If you are interested in getting ters must be signed and will be edited involved in The Sou'wester, now for clarity. REACHING T)0 Sou!'wsrzz 1hls rs oar bne 10 Sjhae, would be a good time. Phone (901)843-3970 1": (901)843-3409 E-Mail souwestralhodes.edu so hoc on, 0e stronp Adds-s: The Sou'wester RhodesCollege, Box 3010 and re4)sneoroe yblL calre Contact us at 2000 North Parkway peace [email protected] Memphis, TN 38112-1690 toyoi b!ran)61 Or visit 7erSm.'wstr Ontliu: http: I//w.tudontsarhodes. edu/aw/ ts..a, A..dwlGJp++. .. I a Oxons Wednesday, February 3, 1999 Pae 3 In Defense Of Memphis

but I'm telling you that if you think We've got Graceland, which is our own Dreamland (those of you from likely going to be stale, but that that, then you are either just kidding country's onlyplace of sacred pilgrim- T-town will know what I'm talking doesn't matter. The place has atmo- yourself or you're just plain wrong. age. A young Bruce Springsteen about and, if not, you should be sphere. There's nothing better when So, for your benefit, I'm going to give climbed the walls one night after mid- ashamed of yourself). But besides you have a twelve page paper due the you concrete reasons to see Memphis night, trying to catch a glimpse of Dreamland, Memphis ribs just can't next day than one of their cream with the same rose-colored glasses Presley. Jerry Lee Lewis even went so be beat. And come to think about it, filled thingamajigs (that's their sci- that I do. far as to open fire on it. A house with how could you live in a city that entific name) and a cup of coffee/ Throughout mythree years atthis Before I give you the reasons this much history must add some didn't have good ribs? Ribs are carton of chocolate milk. It's what I fine institution I've been shocked and though, I'm going to clear up some value to this city. manna sent from the heavens. If you lived off of my first year. dismayed by one thing: no professor, things about myself You are prob- Besides Elvis, Memphis has an can't eat good ribs, you might as well CK's falls under the same classi- administrator, or fellow student has ably asking yourselves, "What bias unbelievably rich musical tradition. not eat. fication as Howard's. If you love pro- ever done anything to drive me to a does this Matthew fellow have?" I Soul music wouldn't even be on the Reason #3 - Beale Street. Take crastination, this is your Mecca. The serious crisis of faith inhumanity. The mean, I have to have some kind of map if it weren't for Stax records here away the Hard Rock and all of those service is slow and they will continu- only thing that has ever caused me agenda, right? in Memphis. All the great soul songs other "touristy" places and you've ally refill your cup of coffee. A great dismay was learningthat a great num- No,I don't work forthe Memphis of the sixties came from this town. got a pretty swinging place. Step in- way to spend four or five hours. ber of students here do not like Mem- Chamber of Commerce or any other Memphis has also brought forth such side the Rum Boogie Cafe and you'll Reason #5 - Memphis-in-May. phis. In fact, the heat that I'd been city agency that might profit from me important artists as the Reverend Al know what I mean. See a show at Speaks for itself. catching off the streets was that ama- praising the merits of this fair town. I Green, Booker T and the MG's, and the New Daisy. Watch that goat at Reason #6 - Memphis is the jority of students actually hate Mem- am in no way azombie of the admin- Big Star. Sun Studios downtown is a Silky's drink beer. You can see chil- promised land spoken of in the He- phis andare looking forward to living istration sent to produce pro-Mem- national monument. Everyone from dren doing cartwheels on the street brew Bible. Forget Moses. He didn't somewhere else. phis propaganda to make you think Elvis to Johnny Cash to BB King to on a Friday night. You can go down know where he was going. Memphis How could this be so? I love that you enjoy going here any more U2 has recorded there. The musical a few blocks and feed the ducks at is the true promised land, a land of Memphis. I love it so much I would than you actually do. And me liking influence of Memphis is immeasur- the Peabody. Or you can simply milk and honey. actually marry it, for Memphis is in- Memphis has nothing to do with the able, and it would fill up more space hang out on the street. Go down Well, I think I've made my point. herently good. It falls under the cat- fact that I'm from Northport, Ala- than this mere column allows, so I will there on a Saturday and catch a blues How could you not love Memphis egory of inherently'good things,'a list bama and that this is the first real city move on now. band laying it down in the middle now? In fact, you should dancing that includes such concepts as choco- that I've ever been in. I'm not amazed Reason #2 - Memphis provides of the street for free. Can you get with joy and happiness upon read- late mint ice cream and The White by the paved roads or the running good barbeque. Now, I don't know that in Atlanta, Dallas, St. Louis, or ing this and realizing that you're liv- Album. water. I've seen plenty of cities and, about you, but one of my criteria in Miami? And if so, would the blues ing in God's chosen land. If you still So, good people of the Rhodes still, I actually enjoy spending time in judging the livability of a town is the be half as good? don't like Memphis, there is nothing community, I'm going to tell you right Memphis. quality of the barbeque that it offers. Reason #4 - Howard's Donuts/ I can do for you. You can't be re- here that Memphis is indeed a won- Reason #1 - It's the home of From the Rendezvous to Corky's the CK's. Now the doughnuts at deemed. Maybe that is a little harsh. derful metropolis in which to abide. some of the greatest music ever ribs in this town are outstanding. Howard's are not the world's great- You can continue disliking Mem- Kind of like the land of Canaan. You known to mankind. Quite simply, Now, they don't quite meet the high est. In fact, if you walk in there at phis. It just depends on whether or may think you don't like Memphis, Memphis is the home of "rock' n'roll" standards established by Tuscaloosa's three in the morning, they are most not you enjoy being wrong. Fear And Loathing At Craigmont High before I go to bed. I drive like When I talk to a lot of my do with the future. Although this is (And no, I do not make a prac- somebody's grandmother. I still kiss friends, I find that they've always something akin to giving myself a tice of,whomping on small children, my mother on the lips. harbored some crazy, impractical pedicure to make me feel better but really, this kid is just about as big MARY MCCOY Now, I've never even stolen a tube post-graduation dream. Somiething about my gangrenous foot, it helps as me. I promise.) LITTLE of lipstick or a pack of gum, so, it sur- that would make them happy. I a little. I t hen proceeded to beat Frank HEMINGWAY prised me that my subconscious en- don't think I've ever entertaained a My newly acquired philosophy twice in arm-wrestling in front of joyed breaking the law so much, that dream like this in my entire life, with has even helped me at Craigmont four viery cute little seventh grade I felt no guilt, no fear that such an in- the possible exception of theetime I Middle School. The other day, this girls. I have never had a great deal of cident would "go down on my per- got my work-study check arid fan- rather loud and class-clownish sev- It wasn't easy. My arm was sore patience with people my age who manent record." tasized about running off to Mexico enth grader announced to a study the ne xt day. complain about how old they feel, but That is,it surprised me until I re- with it to sell buckets of Corona on hall class that he was going to "beat Anyhow, Frank was a good sport, recently, I've begun to empathize with alized that my life has recently suffered the beach. up the student teacher" when my su- congraatulated me on my wins, and them a little. from a tremendous lack of spontane- What it comes down to is essen- pervising teacher left the room. I was spent the rest of class popping his This probably all started about a ity. I've become Ms. McCoy to about tially my fear that, in favor of having trying to figure out how to deal with joints in and out of socket to impress week ago when I had a dream that I 120 seventh graders, the queen of the a plan, I've made a safe decision that said child, when suddenly it occurred the gir Is in the class. I felt like my- robbed a gas station, stole six cartons three R's (responsibility, respectabil- may or may not be the right o ne. Not to me that I could either handle the self again. of cigarettes, and was promptly appre- ity, and rational behavior). I'm an that my beer shack scheme is par- situation like an adult or handle it AsI rehash this story, I'm begin- hended by the police after a high speed example to America's youth, and Iam ticularly wisdom-infused, bbut you like a seventh grader. ning to feel better about my decision chase through a shopping mall. sorely afraid. get the idea. And I said, "Oh Frank... I could to beccome a teacher, and am regain- Those who know me would This sudden fear has been com- In response to my currenntanxi- soooo take you down:' ing fai th in my abilities to take on probably say that for all of my anti- pounded by the fact that I know what ety, which I am sure has descended (Okay, so it probably wasn't a the poisitive attributes of adulthood establishment, rabble-rouser, I'll be doing, where I'll be doing it, and upon most Rhodes seniors lik:e some classroom managenant strategy that witho Itbecoming some kind of er- countercultural lip service, I am as how much I'll be making at it next Hebrew Bible pestilence (business might be recommended in an edu- rand-rrunning, bill-paying, cable- anal-retentive and high-strung as they year. In many ways, this is a tremen- and economics majors excel,ted), I cation textbook. Deal with it.) watchi ng automaton - even if I am come. My dreams are always anxiety dous relief. In others, this only suc- have begun committing as maanyacts Frank then proposed an arm- startin g to like the way I look in my dreams. My homework is always ceeds in making me feel stodgy and of spontaneity as possible in tthe are- wrestling match. I accepted the chal- intervi ew suit. done. I lay out my clothes at night practical. nas of my life that have nothing to lenge. I pretend I'm Scully. iN ews

Page4 SiwE sr p Wednesday, February 3,1999 President's Office Releases

"The benefactors may want Daughdrill stated that, as New Salary Information to pause, and get to know the President, he had "very little dis- new person," Criscillis said. cretionary time" and that he is By Kenneth Lukas Berg stated that this young age whether to increase the faculty He added that he expects looking forward to activities Staff Writer is due to a Board of Trustees-man- member's salary. funding to continue as usual such as golf, travel, and bird Newly available information dated requirement that no more "As long as I have been presi- once College benefactors get to watching. has provided insight into the fac- than 67% of the faculty have ten- dent of Rhodes, salary increases know the new president. "I might want to try teach- tors affecting Rhodes faculty sala- ure. The current percentage of have been given on the basis of Daughdrill stated that he ing continuing education here at ries and their relationship to tenured faculty at Rhodes varies merit," Daughdrill's memo said. looks forward to taking some Rhodes," Daughdrill said. faculty salaries at The College's somewhere between 50%-60%. "I am not an advocate of role in Rhodes administration, Daughdrill also addressed peer institutions. The young age is also due to a across-the-board salary increases perhaps in the Development Of- his own role in the presidential search. The information was released 50% increase in enrollment since any more than I am an advocate fice, after a year or so in retire- by Rhodes President James 1983, which has required the hir- of giving all students the same ment. "I have deliberately stayed Daughdrill in a December 1, 1998, ing of many new faculty members grade." "Jim [Daughdrill] would be out of the search [for the new memo to the Board of Trustees. to maintain a 12-1 student/faculty Daughdrill's memo showed a welcome addition to the De- president]," Daughdrill added. The memo followed publication of ratio, according to Berg. that Rhodes faculty salaries rank velopment Office," Criscillis said "Job one for me is to get out of the November 11, 1998, Sou'wester Changing academic interests higher in the Nifty Fifty list when when asked how he would feel the way." article "Studies Show Faculty/ and curricular flexibility are one local cost of living is considered. about Daughdrill returning to The date set for Daughdrill's President Pay Gap." reason for the tenure cap, Berg Adjusted according to the the College. retirement is June 30, 1999, ac- "There are three sources the said. ACCRA Cost of Living Index, Criscillis and Rotter con- cording to Rotter. College has for funding: tuition, "Twenty years ago, students Rhodes' average associate- curred that Daughdrill's poten- Daughdrill explained that the endowment, and new gifts," weren't interested in Chinese. professor salary ranks 18th in the tial presence on campus does the date may be adjusted to fit said Director of Planning and In- Now we have to have the ability to Nifty Fifty list at $51,724. not pose an obstacle to the presi- the progress of the presidential stitutional Analysis Bill Berg. hire new teachers in subjects like Swarthmore was 25th at $50,039. dential search. search. The endowment is invested in Chinese," Berg stated. The rankings were comparable for "I hope the new President Candidates' resumes are still stocks, and each full and assistant will recognize Daughdrill as the being reviewed, Rotter stated. year a certain professors. beneficial factor he is," Criscillis "Several candidates will be percentage is We've committed to holding down tuiition and The data said. "[The new president] will invited for personal interviews drawn off to help at the sat me time increasing faculty salafries. showed that have to follow in Jim to be held off-campus at a site yet form the operat- - Bill Berg, Director of Planning and Davidson [Daughdrill's] footsteps whether to be determined;' Mitchener said. he [Daughdrill] is here or not.'" "As we all can appreciate, ing budget, Berg Institutional Analysis College's average re- said. As the en- associate-profes- "I plan to rediscover who I spect for the personal privacy of dowment in-, sor salary ranked am, apart from the identity of the candidates and the confi- creases in value, so does that "As Rhodes faculty mature, 23rd at $50,302 when adjusted for the College," Daughdrill said of dentiality of the search process amount going to the budget. Ac- their number of years in the higher cost of living. Grinnell College his overall plans for retirement. are high priorities." cording to the College handbook, ranks will continue to increase had the highest adjusted average faculty salaries are a part of the Rhodes' overall average faculty sal- associate-professor salary at operating budget. ary at a slightly higher rate than $62,717. Spring '99 Service/Learning The data reported in peer institutions, all other things The memo did not disclose Daughdrill's memo showed that being equal," Daughdrill's memo cost-of-living-adjusted figures for Infontoni tompild by Amy TidWe the average salary of associate pro- said. Daughdrill's salary. fessors at Rhodes, whose endow- Various factors can also affect Daughdrill's salary is a matter Course Tile: History of Service ment was $225 million in June Rhodes faculty salaries' rankings handled entirely by the Board of Professor & Department: James Lanier, History 1998, was $48,000 for 1997-98. among peer-institution faculty Trustees, according to Planchon. Service Activities: various local agencies This ranked 47th out of Rhodes' salaries. He said he did not know how that Nifty Fifty peer institutions. For example, Dean of Aca- salary was determined. Course Title: History of Mexico The highest-paid associate demic Affairs John Planchon ex- "Comparing how the Professor & Department: Mike LaRosa, History professors were at Swarthmore, plained that he has the authority President's salary is awarded and Service Activities: Latino Connexion, an ESL program where their average salary was to increase any salaries which are how faculty salaries are awarded is $63,500. Swarthmore's endow- disproportionately low. Funding like comparing apples and or- Course Title: History of Childhood in America ment was approximately $750 mil- for such increases comes from a anges," Planchon said. Professor & Department: Gail Murray, History lion in June 1998. pool of money which is set aside The Board of Trustees has re- Service Activities: various local agencies Davidson College, with an en- for special increases. cently approved a strategic plan dowment of $209 million, ranked "I have done that while I've that includes raising faculty sala- Course Tile: German 202 43rd in terms of raw salaries for been at Rhodes," Planchon said. ries to a level equal to that of the Professor & Department: Sabine Schmidt, Foreign Languages associate professors at $49,900. Yearly merit increases are an- top 33 liberal arts colleges in the Service Activities: Refugee Services of Memphis Grinnell College, whose average other factor. According to Berg, nation, Berg said. associate-professor salary ranked the criteria for determining merit "We've committed to holding Course Title: Latin 202 4th at $61,400, had an endowment increases are teaching (weighted down tuition and at the same time Professor & Department: David Sick, Foreign Languages of over $1 billion. 40%), scholarship (35%), and ser- increasing faculty salaries," Berg Service Activities: local elementary schools "Rhodes' overall average fac- vice (25%). stated. ulty salary ranks lower than the av- Planchon explained that fac- "The goal of having our aver- Course Title: Optimism and Pessimism erage in each of the three ulty complete a self-evaluation, age faculty salary ineach profes- Professor & Department: Pat Shade, Philosophy professional ranks," Daughdrill followed by an evaluation by the sional rank among the the top 33 Service Activities: recording oral histories stated in the memo. "This is be- department chair. Planchon then in the nation and the world is a cause of the young age of the reviews this information and challenging goal, but it is impor- Course Title: Hunger, Plenty, and Justice Rhodes faculty compared to the passes it on to Daughdrill, who tant, and it is achievable," Professor & Department: Michael McLain, Religious Studies new Nifty Fifty peer institutions." makes the final decision on Daughdrill's memo said. Service Activities: MealsonWheels IN ews Wednesday, February 3, 1999 S&WESER Page 5 Campus H Ohlendorf Hall Renovated By Tim Hayes the biology journals to find what sic dome. Safety Log Staff Writer you're looking for," Tansey added. Barr also stated that he hopes 1/25/99 TO 1/31/99 The Rhodes Department of According to Barr, funding was to post biographies of visiting Math and Computer Science approved last summer for the in- Rhodes lecturers. 1/25/99 3:15 p.m. Campus: MPD on campus to speak to Rhodes student regarding off-campus hosted an open house in January stallation of movable stacks in "Rhodes has drawn several burglary incident to celebrate the recently improved Frazier Jelke D, which now houses well-known mathematicians in the 10:59 p.m. King Hall: North exit door ajar, secured Buckman Math Library. all of the biology journals. past," Barr said. 1/26/99 2:17 a.m. Campus: MPD on campus; courtesy patrol Other changes in Ohlendorf Buckman Library now has Special invitations for the 2:50 a.m. Campus: MPD departed campus Hall include new computers for shelf space to spare. Ohlendorf open house were sent 12:00 p.m. King Hall: Theft improvements to the li- to administrators including Presi- 1/27/99 1:37 a.m. Campus: MPD on campus; courtesy patrol the fourth-floor Sun Lab and the Other 1:50 a.m. Campus: MPD departed campus beginning of a portrait gallery of brary include two new plush dent James Daughdrill, Chancel- 4:20 a.m. East Campus Lots: MPD on courtesy patrol former Math/CS professors. chairs, an FX Workstation, a com- lor David Harlow, and Dean of 4:40 a.m. Campus: MPD departed campus "Buckman Library had be- puter, and a printer which can be Development Arthur Criscillis. 4:10 p.m. Voorhies/Townsend: Maintenance reports come, to put it mildly, cluttered in used to print any available online "President Daughdrill came missing fire extinguisher, Campus Safety the past few years," Associate Pro- math journals. over and was pleased with the lay extinguisher replaced fessor and Chair of Math/CS Tom The new computers in the Sun of the land," Barr said. 1/28/99 12:01 a.m. Offcampus: Campus Safety received call in regards to a Rhodes student taken to Barr said. Lab are the "latest and greatest "The library has been restored Methodist Hospital The clutter was a result of both [models] from Sun Microsystems," to its former grandeur," Barr 3:20 a.m. Off-campus: Student vehicle burglarized math and biology journals being Barr said. The computers are an added. 9:28 a.m. Phillips Lane: Unregistered vehicle booted housed in the library, Barr ex- integral part of both introductory Barr stated that Associate Pro- 11:50 a.m. Thomas Lane: Two suspicious persons. plained. programming classes and com- fessor of Biology Terry Hill once Checked area, unable to locate individuals Eventually, the amount of puter-science majors' upper-level told him,"When I came here to in- 6:50 p.m. Phillips Lane: Boot removed from bound journals exceeded the lim- work. terview, I thought [of the library], employee vehicle, advised individual to ited shelf space, and books had to The portrait gallery includes what a nice place." register their vehicle be stacked on the floor. photographs of some of the Math/ Now that the library has been 6:55 p.m. University Street: Accident in front of Math journals are "much CS department's important renovated, Barr expressed a hope Bailey Gatehouse. Rhodes student easier to find now that they're or- former professors. One such pro- that it would again be a selling involved but no injuries to report. MPD ganized," Math/Physics major fessor is Jack Russell, who, accord- point to prospective faculty. notified 8:00 p.m. Theft Report: Two wallets, both found in Gerry Tansey ('99) said. ing to Barr, was responsible for the "It's certainly much better Refectory "It's nice not to trip over all of building of Kennedy Hall's geode- than we had before," Tansey said. 1/29/99 12:24 a.m. Buckman Hall: Student reported maroon Toyota 4-Runner driving on grass in front of Buckman Hall and over cones blocking area. Campus checked, no vehicle found. Rhodes Students Reach Out Video tape under review 4:04 a.m. Campus: MPD on campus; courtesy patrol 5:00 a.m. Campus: MPD departed campus 12:00 p.m. Voorhies: Theft To The Homeless 5:50 p.m. BCLC: Fire alarm in Mallory Gym. By Valerie Wilte find a place to stay and to find work" ('99) explained that the University of Memphis Fire Department alerted Staff Writer 6:30 p.m. BCLC: MPD departs campus. Popcorn "While they're in the program, Memphis sponsored last year's host machine smoke set off smoke detector. Alarm Rhodes is teaming up with Peace they're asked to save 80% of their week, with help from Rhodes stu- panel reset Lutheran Church and the Memphis earnings for future homes or living ar- dents. 11:00 p.m. Townsend: RA reports light fixture pulled Interfaith Hospitality Network rangements;' Johnson said. "During "This is the first time that Rhodes down on third floor. Maintenance (MIHN) to host homeless families the day, kids are taken to school or day students have actually been the coor- notified, RA filing report 1/30/99 8:10 a.m. Charles St. Emergency Phone: Student from January 31 to February 5. care. So the shelter provides a place dinators,"Phillips said. notifies Campus Safety that he had stuck According to program coordina- for the kids to go, so parents can be According to Phillips, when Peace his vehicle over curb in front of sorority tor Kacey Johnson ('99), MIHN is a purely focused on finding a job and Lutheran Church hosts again in Oc- houses. Emergency phone reset branch of the Interfaith Hospitality working" tober, Rhodes will probably work with 9:00 p.m. BCLC: IFC party in session in BCLC Network, a national organization The program is unique in a num- them on the project. ballroom. Three Protech officers on duty for which provides shelter, meals, and ber of ways. Volunteers will be working in event companionship to families without 1/31/99 1:45 a.m. Blount: Student reports standing water at "It is an interfaith organization, shifts from 5:30-7:00, serving din- east entrance of dorm. Maintenance homes. In Memphis, 17 churches of- and there are churches from all dif- ner; 7:00-9:00 p.m.; and 9:00 p.m. notified fer food and lodging for families on a ferent denominations involved," to 6:30 a.m., serving breakfast and 10:30 a.m. Campus: MPD reports off.campus incident rotating basis. Soderlund said. helping the families move on to the involving Rhodes student "[MIHN's] focus isn't so much on "It's one of two programs in the next church. 12:24 p.m. BCLC: Fire alarm in Mallory Gym. MFD on providing the shelter itself, because Memphis area that actually allows Besides serving meals and help- its way to campus that can consume an entire program:' 12:55 p.m. BCLC: MFD departs campus. Popcorn families to stay together," she added. ing with homework, volunteers are machine smoke set off smoke detector. Alarm Johnson said. "This organization's "Most of [the programs] segregate by planning a Super Bowl party, a din- panel reset more focused on things like job train- sex-women and children will go to ner with the families, and a Satur- 1:12 p.m. BCLC: Fire alarm in Mallory Gym. ADT ing and counseling ... there are coun- one area, and men will go to another. day afternoon outing. notified to place alarm intest mode until selors who work just with money So one of the great things about this "I really was genuinely excited 5:00 p.m. management and with specific fam- program is that it really does promote about this program from day one," ily needs." family. Johnson said. "It's very unique. It's Co-coordinator Karin Soderlund "Also, it really encourages people a type of service that I don't think is STATISTICS ('99) added, "If a parent is not em- to keep their dignity. It encourages typically available to people our VISITORS: 2421 ployed, they go to the day center, them to take responsibility and to help age-to provide shelter and be in- ACCESSES: 116 which is at First Baptist Church, and clean up or set the table, and from volved with that sort of service. It's ESCORTS: 7 they're hooked up with job and hous- what we've heard, that just does great not just about putting a face on JUMP-STARTS: 8 ing opportunities, and they meet with things for the families." homelessness, but about seeing a TRAFFIC CITATIONS: 119 a social worker. Their sole job is to Co-coordinator Hunter Phillips more comprehensive view of needs." Arts & Enteent Page 6 s Wednesday, February 3,1999 Semisonic Plays New Daisy Children's Theatre Troupe Continues This Semester By Matthew Shipe that group dissolved, Wilson and it contains a great sing-a-long cho- By Tara Parchman out of the classroom for this se- Scene Editor Munson recruited Slichter on rus. In order to appreciate Feeling Staff Writer mester. Semisonic, the modern-rock drums, and in 1994 they formed Strangely Fine, though, one must get When last semester ended "I like the company aspect of trio best known for their hit single the group Pleasure, which later past "Closing Time." The album is "Closing Time," is playing the New became Semisonic. chock full of great, intelligent pop for the Children's Theatre class, the group in that all participate the participation and interest in equal amounts of the project, Daisy on Wednesday, February 3 Great Divide, the group's first songs. Not one song falls short on did not. This semester, Patrick said. with opening guest Remy Zero. album released in 1996, may be the album - with Wilson's lyrics the class has turned into coherent troupe Patrick also enjoys perform- The Minneapolis-based trio is one of the great forgotten records nicely moving between romanti- of actors. ing for children because of the composed of Dan Wilson, who of the last couple of years. The cism, melancholy, and wit. Last semester Rhodes of- energy that they give her in act- handles guitars and lead vocals, album received very little attention Semisonic also delivers the goods fered a topics class, taught by ing. John Munson on bass and Jacob when it was released a couple of in their live shows. Whereas many Theatre Department Chair Andrew Sullivan Slichter on the drums. Wilson, years ago, and nothing off the great power-pop bands cannot quite ('01) Cookie Ewing, where students wanted to participate again this who attended Harvard, is the record found its way to radio. Lis- capture their sound live, Semisonic met on Tuesdays and Thursdays semester because of the concept group's primary songwriter. The tening to this album today, it is is able to translate the emotional to create performances designed of Children's Theatre. combination of Wilson's intelli- hard to believe that this record depth of their studio recordings into for children. "It is a unique theatre expe- gent, and many times humorous, came and went without anyone a great live performance. I saw During the course of the se- rience because you are taught to lyrics with the tight power pop of really noticing. All of the elements Semisonic live last summer in Bir- mester, the class performed at do the things that you usually do the trio brought the group both that have made Feeling Strangely mingham, and I cannot emphasize Caldwell Elementary School and not do in theatre performance," critical and popular success with Fine great - the thoughtful lyrics enough how impressed I was by here at Rhodes. Sullivan said. last year's Feeling Strangely Fine and the great pop hooks - are them. Going into the show I only "This semester, there is a "We get to have fun making (their second record), which con- present in abundance on the knew one song ("Closing Time,' of performance on February 7 at idiots of ourselves, and the kids tains the singles "Closing Time," group's first album. course) and by the end of the show I an arts festival at Holy Com- love it!" "Singing In My Sleep," and their Semisonic's music wasn't ig- so liked the group that I went out munion Church," Ewing said. Ty Hallmark ('99) enjoys the current single "Secret Smile:' nored by the masses for long. "Clos- and bought Feeling Strangely Fine "Hopefully, we will be able to do effect the performances have on Semisonic has been together in ing Time," the first single and video the very next day. a performance for the Girl's the children. some form or another for most of off of FeelingStrangely Fine, blasted Tickets for the Wednesday night Club later." "I feel very strongly about the '90s. Before forming the group out of obscurity. The ap- show are on sale at the New Daisy According to Lindsey Patrick the way our performance Semisonic, Wilson and Munson peal of "Closing Time" is obvious. and at all TicketMaster locations. ('00), the class's performances touches children's lives," Hall- were part of the Minneapolis The song is built around four power Tickets are $10; the doors for the were an enjoyable experience - mark said. group Trip Shakespeare. When chords that create a perfect hook and show open at 7 p.m. and when the end of the semes- "We teach children that if ter approached and calls for per- they have their minds to create formances were still coming in, and explore with, then they have The Thin Red Line: the group decided to continue everything." Too Philosophical For Its Own Good LV Profesor Robert McacQuoen's By Kenneth Lukes slipped into the movie. I can see Red Line is sometimes difficult Staff Writer him now. "I am a philosophical because it was difficult to identify ppicks of the week The Thin Red Line is Terrence genius," he thinks. "These ques- characters by name. George Malick's first movie in a long time. tions have probably never oc- Clooney acted about as well as a Apparently, he was some kind of curred to the unwashed masses of plunger stuck in a toilet (His role films. super director who did a couple of the audience. I am a member of was also for about 30 seconds, if For a good feeling, try Waking Ned Devine. Humorous, beautifully classic movies back in the '70s and the intellectual elite. Worship me! there are people out there that filmed and sometimes moving. For a bad feeling, try Saving Private has been living in seclusion ever Malick - Director, Malick - were planning to go just because Ryan. After the horrific first half-hour, Speilberg's film ebbs and flows since. The plot revolves around God!" they think he's cute). John - never matching the initial impact and leaving one with the feeling the battle for Guadalcanal in Don't get me wrong. I liked Travolta also has a cameo role, as of an experience, not just having gone to the movie. World War II. It's based on a book this movie, and would even say does Woody Harrelson - al- by James Jones about his experi- that the battle scenes are superior though Woody does a good job as ences in this battle. to the battle scenes in Saving Pri- a soldier who dies by accidentally recordiag The movie follows a group of vate Ryan. Malick's battle scenes pulling the pin out of a grenade. Glenn Gould soldiers running around, usually have a more intense psychological Nick Nolte also did a good job. J.S. Bach, The Goldberg Variations. spouting philosophical drivel; it is effect, particularly because so Though the cinematography My favorite music, played with wonderful artistry. If you prefer, a actually Malick's opportunity to many of the scenes are in a rolling was excellent, some of that bril- modern transcription for orchestra is available from Nonesuch, played demonstrate what he has been do- sea of grass where neither the liance would have been better left by the NES Chamber Orchestra. ing for the past twenty years. If characters or the audience can see out. The film could easily have you want to go to this movie and the enemies. been half an hour shorter and even pontificate about the universe, The people in Saving Private the philosophical types wouldn't place then you'll love it. Ryan were being pushed into a have missed anything. Peabody Place Museum The part of the movie after the meat grinder where there was no If you want to see an action- Recently opened in Pembroke Square off Main Street, the museum battle is long and sometimes me- choice, but The Thin Red Line gives based war film, you will probably houses the Jack Belz collection of Oriental art, dominated by jade fig- andering (most of the film's the impression that its characters be disappointed at times. The ures and structures of numerous types. The display is (hopefully) a needed editing should have been have more time to consider what's movie is beautifully put together, work in progress: the signs provide little history and context, with many here). But this actually makes per- going to happen; this gives the fear but the guru-like pretensions of at awkward kneecap height from the floor. So many large, similar ob- fect sense, because Malick is giv- a certain edge. either Malick or Jones sometimes jects dull the senses after a while - but the show is certainly worth the ing people time to masticate on all In any case, figuring out the detract from the viewer's enjoy- visit. the trite profundities he's cleverly names of the actors in The Thin ment. Scene Wednday, February 3, 1999 E ERPage 7 Planchon, Leslie Explain Tenure Review Procedures By Drw Hughes Planchon explained that the com- matter of regret that we cannot en- write evaluations of what they ob- view," Planchon said. On the basis Staff Writer mittee then asks the candidates for courage students to be more respon- serve. of these student comments, Every spring, Rhodes sees the copies of course syllabi and exams, sive to these requests." Planchon said that the last step Planchon writes a summary of culmination of two crucial faculty all scholarship they have presented "The return rate for the ques- in collecting information for the teaching effectiveness. The profes- review processes, the tenure review or published, and an up-to-date cur- tionnaires is usually abysmally low," committee is a summary of the sors are then given the opportu- and the third-year review. riculum vitae. The candidates may Planchon added. candidates' annual evaluations nity to read these summaries and The tenure review process, as also present a personal philosophy The candidates' department from the previous five years, fo- respond, if they wish. the name suggests, determines statement and other items of impor- chairs select, from the lists provided cusing on the areas of scholarship, Planchon also solicits recom- which professors will be promoted tance, at their own discretion. They by the candidates, an external as- service, and teaching. Here, stu- mendations from the department to a tenured position. The third- provide the dent responses to chairs and other tenured faculty, year review provides an opportu- names of sev- the end-of-se- and studies the three annual evalu- nity for an intermediate evaluation eral students All institutions are constantly in a state of re- mester surveys ations of the professors' perfor- of a faculty member's performance. for whom they view of these procedures and processes to make are significant; mance. These, again, are informed Although the processes of the have served as sure that thiese are similar to those of peer institu- Planchon writes a by student surveys. tenure review and the third-year re- mentors as well tions, that they are following best practic e. report summariz- "If there is a problem in any view share many elements, includ- as suggesting ing the students' one area [teaching, scholarship, or ing input both from the faculty and names from - Profe e Faculty evaluations. service], then this is grounds for from the students, they are in fact outside the ssor Michael Leslie, Chair of th The Tenure not renewing [the contract]," significantly different. Rhodes com- on Tenure and Promotion and Promotion Planchon said. "[Tenure review] is a very labo- munity to re- Committee then Finally, Planchon schedules rious and expensive procedure, but view their reviews all of this meetings with the faculty mem- it's also very important," said scholarly work. sessor to review the candidates' material and sends its recommen- bers under review, meetings which Michael Leslie, Chair of the Faculty At this point, the Tenure and scholarship. Associate Dean of Aca- dations, positive or negative, along are attended by the chair of the de- Committee on Tenure and Promo- Promotion Committee requests demic Affairs Terri Lindquester lo- with extensive reasons behind the partment and the Chancellor. tion. from the Registrar a list of all the cates another reviewer from among recommendations, to Dean (This year, due to Chancellor According to Leslie, the candi- candidates' course rolls and both Rhodes' peer institutions. Planchon, who makes an indepen- Harlow's resignation, President dates to be reviewed for tenure in current and past advisees. Leslie describes these assessors dent recommendation to the Chan- Daughdrill will take his place.) the next year are notified by the According to Leslie, a sample of as "people who are cognizant of cellor and the President. Finally, the Those attending the meeting Faculty Committee on Tenure and the candidates' students receive open the candidate's research area and President makes his recommenda- have the opportunity to discuss a Promotion, which is made up of letters requesting their observations who have a position in a broadly tions to the Board of Trustees, who professor's performance with the tenured professors from four divi- of the professors, while advisees are similar institution that enables decide at their April meeting professor him or herself. At the sions of the College. sent specific questionnaires. them to judge the scholarship of whether or not to grant tenure and end of the meeting, Planchon tells Leslie added that three Rhodes "We send 400 to 500 letters to the candidate in question." Ten- promotion. the candidate the result of the re- faculty members are under consid- past and present students," Leslie ured faculty members, primarily The third-year review process, view, namely, whether or not his/ eration for tenure this spring. said. "The replies to these requests from within a candidate's depart- while less involved than the tenure her contract will be renewed. Dean of Academic Affairs John are tremendously important. It is a ment, visit his/her classes and process, is equally important. The candidate may at this time Its purpose, Planchon said, is"to protest the decision and explain determine whether one [faculty his or her reasons for that protest. member] is making satisfactory Immediately after the meeting, progress toward a positive review in Planchon writes a detailed sum- STUDENTS IN CLARKSVILLE the sixth year." mary of the meeting, including Much of the information com- the final decision. NEED YOUR HELP piled for a tenure review is the same The review processes de- type of information important to scribed here are themselves subject the administration for the third- to review. year review. "All institutions are constantly Over 150 students at Austin Peay University in Clarksville, In November, the Office of Aca- in a state of review of these proce- demic Affairs sends letters of noti- dures and processes to make sure TN, Rhodes' original campus, lost everything they owned fication to the faculty members who that theirs are similar to those of when tornadoes hit on January 21, 1999. will be reviewed and also to their de- other peer institutions, that they partment chairs. The letters ask for are following best practice," Leslie names of students and advisees, for said. a current curriculum vitae, and for Specifically, Leslie acknowl- Residence Life is collecting donations of clothes, supplies, letters from the tenured members of edges that the committee is por- the department, which should ing through the handbooks of and money in Tuthill to help these students. Ask your evaluate the professors in terms of some fifty other colleges, "just to R.A. about how you can help. service, research, and teaching. make sure that we aren't missing a With the help of the Registrar's of- trick." fice, a random sample of the pro- "We all know that every case is fessors' students and advisees receive different," Leslie said, "every case Questions maybe directed to Brady Potts (email: POTCB) questionnaires. is an individual case... [We know] "If anything comes out of these that we are considering individual or Diane Faires (email: FAIDE). narratives that waves a red flag, [or] human beings in very particular that seems problematic, we will call circumstances, and so we must the student and schedule an inter- treat the cases accordingly." Sports Page 8 &5'U'WErER Wednesday, February 3, 1999 En Garde: Fencing Craze Storms Rhodes BY BRmt.A DA9.Ev ComingAttractions: Spring SPORTS COMMENTARY I tendered my younger, devel- oping years in a household com- TRACK TEAMS OFF AND RUNNING pletely devoid of fencing. FOR 1999 Realizing my strange void of Rv uttall v 10.000m. In the field events. Spinnenweber knowledge in this sport, I turned Staff Wvieg Compton and Robyn McKellar ('99) and javelin to a group of people who could In 1998. the women's track team ('00) are defending champions in the thrower Matt remedy my situation. squeaked by Trinity University to re- long and high jump. respectively. Wilkinson ('00) Jack Coleman ('99) and Mu- claim the SCAC crown that Trinity Senior Bola Rasaki will try to repeat complete the ros- sic Instructor Brad Kroeker are had talmn the previous year. They will as champion in the shotput and dis- ter of returning k responsible for filling the Rhodes try to repeat as champions when Trin- cus. SCAC individual campus to the seams with fenc- ity hosts the SCAC Spring Sports Fes- The men have the difficult task champions. The ing. I somehow arrived at the tivalinApriL of dethroning Trinity in San Anto- men will have to misconception that fencing in- The women have a solid core of nia SCAC newcomers DePauw Uni- fill the void cre- volved a peculiar fascination for runners returning, but wifl miss the versity and Rose-Hulman Institute ated by the ab- searching for objects that needed talents of Jenny Gorman ('98), who of Technology have talented teams sence of versatile fences built around them. I envi- won the 400m and anchored victo- and also could be factors. The men athletes Chris -> will look to senior distance runner sioned vast groups of people gath- rious 4x100m and 4x400m relay Bracken ('99), Photo by Kasino Sweeney ering to construct fences around squads. Jenny Argo ('01). Sharon Mike Wottle to help them at the and Jason Walter Anna PinchaC ('00) leads the pock during a Rhodes things, trees, doorknobs, fire hy- Compton ('99), Megan Emery ('99) SCAC championships. ('99). practice. The season is off to a promising start, thanks drants, chemistry buildings, etc. and Casie Small ('01) will lead the National qualifiers Dave Early season to returning upperclassmen and talented first-years. If something required a good, returning sprinters. Emily Ferguson Thomasson ('99) and Tim Barkley indoor meets stout structure around its periph- ('99) and Kelley Thompson ('01) ('0l)willhelp out in the middle dis- have shown the promise of newcom- in a time of 19:00. The Lynx travel ery, these would be the folks to combined to sweep first and second tances and high jump, respectively. ers. Lydia Gibson ('02) won the to Terre Haute, Indiana to face Rose- turn to in an emergency. place in the 3000m, 5000m, and Middle distance runner Dan 5000m at Arkansas State University Hulman this weekend. I saw the limpness of my de- ductive reasoning skills after I tracked down the elusive Mr. RHODES TENNIS RANKED IN PRESEASON Coleman to speak with him about enth place finish in the SCAC and the fencing club. He willingly ad- Staff Writer mores is also returning with one ing sophomores, and a large group justed my perspective. When contend with perennial conference year of experience, and the men's of freshmen, the women look set Lynx tennis teams have been Coleman visited Rhodes, he la- powerhouses Sewanee and Trinity. team also has some excellent new- to take the spring season by storm. awarded preseason rankings in the mented the lack of a fencing club, The men are led by seniors comers that will be an enhance- Under the guidance of coaches ITA South region, 15th for the John Carpenter, John and endeavored to remedy the Houseal, and ment to the lineup. Sarah Hatgas and Marcella men and fifth for the women. situation. He and Kroeker col- Charles Llewellyn. Carpenter The Lynx women are led by se- Houseal, both teams take to the Both the men and the women have ended the fall season with an laborated to begin this club. Jack ex- niors Sarah Marshall and Muffin court for the first time February been going hard every day since cellent claimed of the club's founders, performance at the Rolex McNabb in a bid to better their 20-21 at the Sewanee Invitational. returning from Christmas break in Regional, "The only thing sharper than our earning an ITA South third place finish in the SCAC. This is followed the next weekend hopes of being in top form when Region blade is our wit!" (It seems the preseason ranking of Strong performances in the when the Lynx travel to Conway, the season begins. This spring the club has funny, fearless leaders.) twenty-third. fall by sophomore Kasina Sweeney Arkansas for the Hendrix Invita- men hope to improve on their sev- Both men are superb and ener- A strong group of sopho- and freshman Kathryn Baker tional. getic in their knowledge of the earned them ITA South Region The first home date for the sport, introducing beginning Men's Tennis Schedule preseason rankings of fourteenth men is March 21 against Coe Col- fencers to the footwork involved, Date Event Location Time and twenty-second, respectively. lege. The women have their first lunges, retreats, and advances. 2/20-21 Sewanee Invitational Away TBA In addition, the duo is ranked sev- home match the same weekend in Brad and Jack described the three 2/27-28 Hendrix Invitational Away enth in doubles. the Rhodes Invitational. blades used by fencers, the foil, the Saturday: Austin Col. 3 p.m. With the seniors, some return- epet, and the sabre, bringing these Sunday: Hendrix Col. 10 a.m. important points to the class' at- 3/21 Coe College Home TBA tention. 3/26-28 Rhodes Invitational Home TBA Indoor Track Schedule Date Event Location Fencers congregate every Mon- Hendrix, Millsaps, Centre, CBU day and Thursday from4-5pm,and 4/8 Wallace State Home 4 p.m. 2/13 SIU-Carbondale Open Meet Carbondale, IL Saturdays from 12-lpm in the aero- 4/10-11 SCAC Div. Tourn. Away 2/27 University of the South Inv. Sewanee, TN bics room for the time being. The 4/15 CBU Home 4 p.m. 3/12-13 Indoor Nat'l Championships Ada, OH practices may move to the top of the Physics Tower depending upon how many people remain after the Women's Tennis Schedule first practice. Although they charge Outdoor Track Schedule Dat Event Location Time Date Event Location an initial fee of $20 this semester to 2/20-21 Sewanee Invitational Away TBA 3/13 Rhodes All-Comers Meet Memphis, TN purchase equipment, both predict 2/27-28 Hendrix Invitational Away 3/20 Emory Division 3 Meet Atlanta, GA that the dues will decline as the club Saturday: Austin Col. 3 p.m. 3/25-27 Univ. of Alabama Relays Tuscaloosa, AL matures. Both instructors encour- Sunday: Hendrix Col. 10 a.m. 4/3 Rhodes/U of M Big Cat Classic age interested parties to stagger out 3/19-21 Rhodes Invitational Home TBA of bed on a Saturday afternoon Memphis, TN to 3/26-28 South Regional Tourn.Away TBA 4/10 Washington University Invit. St. Louis, watch a meeting or two. No doubt MO 4/7 Delta State Home 3 p.m. 4/17 Rhodes/U of M Open with such enthusiastic Meet Memphis, TN teachers and 4/8 Wallace State Home 4 p.m. 4/23-24 SCAC Championships dedicated fencers, the dub will be San Antonio, TX a 4/10-11 SCAC Div. Tourn. Away 5/8 Wash. U. refreshing addition to Last Chance Meet St. Louis, MO campus ac- 4/15 CBU -ome 4 p.m. 5/20-22 Outdoor Nat'l tivities. Championships Berea, OH 5P0 rts Wednesday, February 3 1999 S3U'WFLrER Page 9 Sports Preview GOLF DRIVING FOR CHAMPIONSHIP By Susan Hughes including Kathryn Stone and Jenni- turning team member Chris Johnson Sports Editor fer Jameson, who will be key in sup- ('99) a contender for the national The Rhodes' women's golf team porting the team. The women will tournament, and relying heavily on is gearing up for a challenging season also have to contend with perennial junior John Breth and sophomore as it works toward improving its third powerhouses Southwestern, Trinity, Charlie Quinn, the Lynx hope to im- place finish from 1998. Coach and Sewanee, as well as newcomers prove on their second place finish of Ellingsworth returns several keyplay- DePauw and Rose-Hulman. 1998. ers, including seniors Stephanie Boyd "We have worked very hard al- Opposing them will be defend- and Jaime Lancaster, both of whom ready, and they have a high commit- ing champions Oglethorpe, as well are fourth-year veterans of the Rhodes ment and have made golf a priority," as nationally-ranked newcomer to golf program. Rounding out the top Ellingsworth said. "Our top three can the SCAC, DePauw. The Lynx men three will be Agnes Surowka, a first- match with any in the conference. The brought in a strong recruiting class, year from Memphis. other key to our season is how we and Coach Srnka is looking confi- "[Surowkal is very, very good, improve as the year goes on. With the dently toward the matches ahead. Ellingsworth said. "She has a chance conference championship at the end "I'm looking forward to the to be as good as anyone in the confer- of the year, it's more important how spring season because we have so ence." you compete at the right time." much potential," Srnka said. "We With two places left in the top five, The Rhodes' men's golf team also should have a very good chance to the major factor in conference play has their eyes set on the conference win conference, hopefully get into will be depth. The women have sev- championship and the goal of an the NCAA tournament. That's our eral strong sophomtre candidates, NCAA tournament spot. With re- goal." DIAMOND LYNX COVERING ALL BASES By Coach James Elgin iors Denny Pegg and Charles Har- the most improved part of the team Basebal (ommentory ris. Barrett Vawter ('01), an excel- this spring. With returning starters As the baseball season approaches, lent hitter, has worked hard and David Fineberg, Will Askew, and the Lynx hope to combine a mix of improved his defense tremen- Pegg and the addition of newcom- returning starters and talented new- dously while Pegg and Harris ex- ers Josh Wilmsmeyer andTrey comers to make a run at the SCAC pect to platoon at first. Hansen, the rotation looks solid. Photo By Kosino Sweeney crown. Four position players and the Talented freshmen compete for Heath Maxwell, Clint Randolph, Jeff Jessie Crawford ('00) prepares to shoot a freethrow in the Lady bulk of the coaching staff return to the other positions in the infield and Badoud, and Stakem will provide a Lynx's 5369 loss Trinity Friday night. The men fared better, beating challenge defending champion outfield. Competing for the short- solid bullpen and occasional start- conference foe Trinity by a score of 60 to 46. Rhodes basketball action Southwestern University in the tough stop position are BJ Jackson and ers for the Lynx. Sophomore Chris takes to the road this weekend as both teams face DePauw and Rose- Western Division of the conference. John Buchanan; both have shown McCaslin steps into the closer role Hulman. Co-captains Todd Blasdel, senior great potential in workouts thus far. and will start in midweek games. second baseman, and Pat Finley, jun- In left, Jason Rowell and Luke Our pitchers have really stepped ior centerfielder, return to lead the Newcomb have stepped to the front up so far this spring and I expect Spring Sports Schedules Lynx Blasdel, Rhodes' leadoff hitter, and Ross Cascio and Tim Staken can them to carry us until our hitters was honorable mention all-confer- expect to play in right. There is a mature. Our early tournament in ence in '98 and Finley was second- three man battle behind the plate Phoenix will give us a good base to Men's Golf team all-South Region as a with Neal Meyer, Seth Seegar, and work from and Finley, Badoud, and Date Event Location iune centerfielder. Finley also set a Rhodes Shea Gibbs competing. Vawter have to share the offensive 2/20-22 Pizza Hut Inv. Jackson, MS 8:00 a.m. school record with 20 doubles in '98. If early indications are correct, load until our freshmen adjust to 2/28 Alumni Challenge West Point, MS 8:00 a.m. Other returning starters include jun- the Lynx pitching staff looks to be college playing. 3/28-30 Tennessee Intercol. Cookeville, TN 8:00 a.m. SOFTBALL MAKING SCAC HISTORY Women's Golf By lain Juden ('01) and captain Vanessa Lanceley who also serves as Assistant Soccer Date Event Location Staff Writer ('99), a probable starter at centerfield. Coach, away on recruiting trips for the 3/1 University of the South Memphis, TN In the last four years, many new The infield will focus around the soccer team, Shropshire has been very 3/6-9 Barry University Naples, FL teams have been started at Rhodes, two primary pitchers, Amy Whitten important. 3/16 Millsaps College Memphis, TN and one of the more successful new ('01) and Becky Harper ('01), Catch- "[Shropshire] has provided a lot 3/22-23 Texas Inv. Championship Forth Worth, TX sports has been softball. Last season ing for Whitten and Harper will be of stability, having preseason work- coach Darren Ambrose took the team Jennifer Neil ('01), who willbejoined outs planned out and ready for the the Lynx are by retuner Leanne Paris ('01) at first team' Kornblatt said. Baseball to a 11-14 recordand Date Event Location 7'i ne looking to improve during their third base and Kornblatt at second. Emily This year's season will be excit- 2/12 Harding season as a varsity sport. Cassidy ('01), who suffered a knee ing for the Lynx as they play road Away 2:00p.m. 2/18-20 W & L Invitational "Each year we have gotten better ligament injury last year, will play games in Atlanta, against Emory Away 12:00 p.m. 2/23 Williams due to a recruiting class coming in, short stop. Once basketball comes to University, for the first time. The Baptist Home 12:00 p.m. and we expect to be good now that an end Katie Johns ('01), who starts first SCAC championship wili also we have two years experience," cap- at point guard for the Lynx, will also take place in San Antonio, giving the Softball tain Kerry KobLatt ('99) said. contribute to the infield. team a chance to be a part of his- Date Event Location Tine This year's new contributors are One key to thesucesa of the team tory. With new players, more expe- 2/23 Jackson State CC Away 2:00 p.m. Sarah Cobb ('02) and Shannon Davis this year will be the addition of new rience and new goals, the women's 2/27 LeMoyne Owen Home 11:00 a.m. ('02), who will both strengthen the assistant coach Tonya Shropshire. softball team is looking forward to 3/3 Mississippi College Away 2:00 p.m. outfield, along with Allison Tetreault With head coach Darrn Ambrose, a very successful year.

------.--- .------.------_.--...... Rhode'ster Wednesday, February3, 1999 SOU'WES ER Page 10 No Time For Love, Dr. Jones By Brody Potts least an hour of disease-free enter- but they are both entertaining." swer to that is that it is better to a quivering mound of love pud- Kod'Sf Deboudwer tainment for the relationship-im- Man seeks woman: "It's what- have loved and had a restraining ding when they hear it. I shit you Another Valentine's Day is fast paired. And if none of this stuff ever with me, right about now I will order slapped on you by some not. They've been playing the approaching and, if you're like me, floats your boat, well, there's al- take whatever i can get....but..oh smartass judge than to have never damn thing non-stop ever since you're looking forward to spend- ways Net porn. yeah, i got FURBIES!! [They have loved at all. they found out they were playing ing a nice quiet evening alone with OPTION 1: Find love on the this special powder that should take OPTION 3: The Rat. in Memphis next week. Welcome a bottle of Tanqueray, and maybe Internet. care of that.- B.P.] What better place to meet to my Hell.) one of those movies that nobody No, really, supposedly this hap- Man seeks woman: "I LOVE SEX singles than dinner at the Rat on Nope, if you're gonna impress else will ever watch with you, like pens all the time, and not just with .... Wives whose husbands don't or Valentine's Day? Remember that your sweetie, you gotta stick to the "The Corpse Grinders" or some old men pretending to be fourteen can't show enough attention and nifty bit in Scream 2 when the fat classics. "Let's Get It On" by documentary about shamanism in year-old girls. Take, for example, need a friend I am the one:' kid from Stand By Me stands on Marvin Gaye can even warm the South America. If, unlike me, any one of these personal ads I Me, I can't see why nobody's the tables in the cafeteria and sings heart of crusty old coots like Jesse you'll be out on a date or holing pulled from the internet at about 4 snatched these great guys and gals up a song to Neve Campbell? Well, Helms. "These Arms of Mine" by up in your room with your signifi- a.m. Actually, the real value of this already. But if the Internet's not your first off, Neve really doesn't like it Otis Redding is the most power- cant other and doing things that exercise is to remind you that, speed, there's always a good old fash- when you do that and her body- ful aphrodesiac known to human- Rhodes students supposedly don't though you may not be getting ioned stalking. guard is a prick. But, with the kind next to Mad Dog 20/20. But do, then bugger off. This article is sweet lovin, you still have your dig- OPTION 2: The Van Gogh right person, what better way is the coup de grace would have to be for the rest of us. Go out and buy nity. I've left the grammatical and Method. there to let your crush know that "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails. You some Magic Shell for the big night. spelling errors in place for "flavor." Find the one you love. Even if you care? sing that at the top of your lungs For the rest of us, though, I Woman seeks either: sex sex sex; they don't know who you are, you It's all about picking the right in the Rat and you get my personal have for a number of reasons Dyersburg, Tennessee. can still be soulmates. The trick' song. Songs to avoid: Anything guarantee that he or she will never thoughtfully compiled a list of Woman seeks man: LONLEY is persistence. If they tell you to by a boy band like BoyZone or forget you. things to do on Valentine's Day COWGIRL!!; Blue Mountain, Mis- go the hell away, it probably just All4One, unless you're going after OPTION 4: Use your newspa- this year. Foremost among those sissippi "WELL HELLO!! I'M means they're shy. Learn their a writing camp student. In that per space as a giant personals ad. reasons was my Editor-in-Chief LOOKING FOR SOMEONE WHO schedule, their favorite places, case, you have enough to worry But then you'd have to be re- screaming about the big ole blank LIKES THE OUTDOORS. I SHOW their eating habits, and their So- about without fretting over music. ally pathetic to do that. space on page ten. But only COWS, RIDE HORSES, PLAY cial Security number. Call 'em a Also,you'llwantto avoid Hanson, And finally, if nothing else slightly less important is the fact SPORTS, TALK ON THE NET/ few hundred times a day, or send Marylin Manson, Korn, or really works, you can always find a friend that I care.. Really. PHONE, AND HANG OUT WITH a kitty in the mail. Sign up for just about anything you hear on who's in a long-distance relation- I do. FRIENDS." their class. All of these things spell the radio these days. ship and make fun of them. Point So, looking for love in all the Man seeks woman: Wrestling L-U-V. (One possible exception is out that you both get the same wrong places? Well, sit back and let Fan in need of tagteam partner; Some people would say that Semisonic's"ClosingTime," which amount of sweet lovin', but your the Love Doctor speak. Any one Memphis, Tennessee "I'm an avid the Van Gogh method is "creepy" for some ungodly reason turns ev- phone bill is a lot lower than of these options will provide at wrestling fan. I prefer Nitro to Raw, or "deranged." Well, my only an- ery female editor on this staff into theirs. Hee hee hee. Eugenics To Fund Rhodes' Third Millenium kByKith Us massage parlor specializing in"ex- in the style of Khan, that buxom However, some found this justifi- produce genetically enhanced Rhode'ster Yong'un otic" entertainment, where it was young lad from Star Trek II: The cation somewhat lacking. children, designed to be optimal Director of Special Projects known as Mistress Clarice. Wrath of Khan. Disoriented by a "Well, after all, there's so much doctors, lawyers, and business ex- John Rone yesterday announced After some gulag-style interro- carbon monoxide leak and an old crap in that Self-Study or Strate- ecs, who will hopefully make that Rhodes has carried on a co- gation involving the strappado, episode of Pee Wee's Playhouse, the gic Plan or Long Term Futurious wealthy alumni. vert eugenics program for some cattle prods, and a rag-on-a-stick, experiment quickly went awry and Vision, or whatever it's called, It is hoped that plans to change time. the hapless simian led the police the beast was sent out into the there's no way the administration the single sex dorms into mixed sex The announcement came on to the lab, located in the Moore world to fend for itself. could pay for all that and still live "mating dens".will attract enough the heels of the discovery by Moore infirmary. Professors of The other explanations for the lifestyle they've come to expect affluent, lustful students to make Memphis police of a clandestine Biology Bobby Jones and John supporting this ranged from over the years. I mean, 'smart' financial aid unnecessary. genetics lab, complete with a Olsen were found therein. They "cloning 01' Blue Eyes" to "creat- classrooms, newdorms with kitch- "Yeah, the Presbyterian foam cooler stuffed with brain confessed immediately and impli- ing a super-soldier who will re- ens and cable, increasing faculty Church might get a little pissy material tentatively identified as cated a host of others in helping store Western Europe to its former salaries, improvinglab equipment. about that, but hey, Unitarians human. fund and conceal the project, in- glory and rightful global domi- The part of the plan where we try have more fun," according to Police found the lab after re- eluding Professor of Political Sci- nance" to "building a personal to recruit more rich kids so we Rone, that naughty humanist. ceiving complaints from area ence Michael Nelson, Assistant god, whom I hoped would re- spend less on student aid while at "The Rhodes motto will be residents about a "monkey boy" Professor of International Studies semble Obi-wan Kenobi." the same time pacifying professors changed from Loyalty Truth that was eating cats and drink- Karl Kaltenthaler, and Assistant Perhaps one participant with a one-percent compounding Honor or whatever to 'Wanna ing anti-freeze. Expecting to find Professor of Philosophy Pat Shade. summed up everyone's confusion salary'raise' would take up part of Breed?' The most promising off- just another bug-eating, down- After the conspirators were best when he said, "Hell, I still the slack, but what do you expect? spring will be expropriated for on-his luck Religious Studies or rounded up, explanations varied don't know what they wanted my Of course, Rone can't just say that further refinement and sale to Anthro/Soc Major doing "field- as to the purpose of the monstrous sperm for. I don't need another or... jeez, remember what hap- biotech firms, while the others work," they were surprised when undertaking. paternity suit." pened to Harlow. And nobody's will be culled." they located the beast, lurching Jones and Olsen, the devilish After dispensing with the low- seen Steve 'Bad Boy' Gadbois for "PFrom a Darwinian perspec- down Tutweiler all covered in duo who were actually undertak- level hirelings, the police con- weeks. We don't want another'res- tive, it's the only moral thing to drool and Buckman Labs' "My ing the work, claimed that the un- fronted Rone. "I did it for the ignation'," said a highly placed ad- do," said Prof. Olsen. First Mutant" fluid. fortunate monkey boy was an P.R.," he said. "Now that the See- ' ministrative mole. When informed, Vatican It had recently been shang- attempt to splice the best parts of quicentennial is over, we're kind of The mole said that plans exist spokesman Joaquin Navarro- haied into working at a nearby their DNA and create a master race stuck for catchy promotions." for turning Rhodes into a place to Valls had no comment. Rhode'ster Page 11 This Page is a Humorous Parody. Read at our Own Risk Wednesday, February 3, 1999

If They Bred... Rhode'ster Newsbriefs Rhode'ster Staff These guys will never stop. Vowing to "make those sheep-lovin' Scots geneticists" look like ninnies, Rhodes has continued willy-nilly "I remember asking Eric and Kennelh Lukas THE BOSS Byoie'ster Brady TelestersPotts Johnson if he had seen the Chan- on its merry way, cloning and mixing DNA like martinis at a Brady Potts Rhode'sterstaff party. The Rhode'sters ace muckrakers have discov- cellor in a while," said Neeta GROUP-Sponsored Venepalli, RSG President. "Then ered "The Student Leader" hidden in a vat full of goo behind the WENDY Still Discovered In when this whole resignation thing still in Tuthill. The Student Leader has Melody Barnett the strength of ten overachievers, and Tuthill popped up, we knew something In an ironic discovery last wasn't right. When I found a can head thirty-two ad hoc commit- MARY week, Residence Life uncovered a memo addressed to 'Don tees at once. It has already memorized Daugh- Mary McCoy Robert's Rules of Order, and whatever still in Tuthill, craftily hidden drill, re: cement shoes for the version of the RSG Constitution they're among the file cabinets and stacks squealer, I knew I had to do some- of RSG constitutions. thing." JOHNNY 99 using these days. Go on, ask it a ques- Matthew Shipe tion about allocations. The Student Director of Student Activities For his own part, Daughdrill Leader combines both the winning Cindy Pennington made the dis- continues to deny any knowledge THE B-STREUT BAND covery, curious, sampled some of of Harlow's whereabouts, saying smile and cute lil' dimples of SRC Kenneth Lukas, Matt Reed, the murky homebrew. Pennington only that he had "gone to Florida." President Stephanie Johnson and the Andy Seiwell, Barrett Hathcock rigid Teutonic features of Honor Coun- was found three hours later, pros- Florida State Troopers have be- cilpresident EricVon Johnson, and can trate on the lawn after releasing a gun searching Florida's waterways SANDY sheep confiscated during Rush and via sonar for an Admiral-shaped thus simultaneously instill both fear Karen Daniel and adoration in the student body. And muttering "Baa Ram Ewe." blip. "The Student Leader" to ensure that the Student Leader The still was traced back to GROUP, an organization that aims THE GHOST OF TOM JOAD would be sensitive to issues of diversity, a heapi' handful of DNA Brandon Barr from RSG president Neeta Venepalli was included, ensuring the Stu- to provide alchohol-free programs Nelson To Become dent Leader's appearance in the next Admissions video. for the student body. Co-presi- JuJu Man BOBBY JEAN Photo Manipulation by Brady Potts dents W.T. Johnson ('99) and Professor of Political Science Susan Hughes Emily Slagle ('00) initially denied Mike Nelson put his Christmas any involvement, but soon 'fessed break to good use, embarking ROSALITA up after a breathalyzer test showed upon a quest to contact deceased Campus Kathryn large quantities of absinthe on crooner Frank Sinatra. Royster Safety their breath. The Rhode'ster met with (Absinthe, for those Philistines Nelson in his office where he ex- JANEY Chris McKenzie Log among you, is a groovy green li- plained his plan to enlist Santa quor spiked with opium and dis- Claus to help call up the spirit of tilled from wormwood. It was all Old Blue Eyes. Gazing into his THE V.A. MAN 1/26 1:13 a.m. Rhodes Tower: Elevator full of students test-dropping Brian Willis eggs for 3-D Design class plunges to bottom of the rage in France a while back.) autographed portrait of Sinatra set elevator shaft due to a broken cable. Eight students "We got tired of that whole'so- up, shrine-like, in his office, ber' thing," said Slagle. "And we Nelson told us of his holy quest. THE BIG MAN smushed. All eggs survived unscathed. Students Ben Houston awarded posthumous "A." figured any moron can swill Natu- "He's dead. He's dead. I 1/28 8:44 p.m. Briggs parking lot: Kinney car stolen. Found in ral Light. So absinthe seemed like wanted another lock of his hair, the next logical step." but now that's impossible due to PATTI SCIALPA Mississippi, on fire, in a field. Meals-On-Wheels Andrea Schneider icechest found to contain human livers. nvestigetjn W.T. Johnson, who was busy the stringent U.S. laws against of Kinney-sponsored organ harvesting urWerwoy. chasing that sheep, was unavail- grave-robbing. I can no longer en- able for comment. joy myself; even pig knuckles have EVERYONE ELSE 1/30 11:32 a.m. Hassell Hall: Crowd of Birkenstock-wearing Tramps like us. parasites protesting incense prohibition in the lost their aesthetic appeal. My life residence halls. Campus Safety disperses crowd with is falling apart," said a clearly dis- Harlow Sleeps With traught Nelson. MANTRA homebrewed Agent Orange confiscated from "No retreat, no surrender" chemistry professor. Several Music Academy The Fishes "That is why I felt that I had children also "pacified." Losses deemed "accept- "Elvis had the Memphis Mafia, no choice but to ask Santa to why can't I?" asked a bewildered bring me Nancy Sinatra. 01' The Rhode'ster was born down able;" fees already paid. in a dead man's town, where 1/30 1 1:38 a.m. McCoy Theatre: Rehearsal for post-Vietnam drama President Daughdrill as he was Blue Eyes is dead, but I will at- ushered into M.P.D. squad cars tempt to contact his spirit by the first kick we took was when "Fifth of July" disrupted by roving cloud of Agent we hit the ground. The yesterday to answer questions using his daughter as a psychic Orange when wind shifts toward the east. Actors Rhode'ster was also born to run. about the whereabouts of Chan- channel into the next world. complained, told to suck itup and consider it method The Rhode'ster is published in cellor Harlow, missing since late acting. Professor Wetzel, the parapsy- the darkness on the edge of the November. 1/30 12:01 a.m.White Hall: Fifteen fun-loving nudists go for the "Full chology expert, will assist me in basement of Palmer, even if Monty." Campus Safety makes the scene. Officer Friends of Harlow began to my endeavor. He originally we're just dancin' in the dark. "responds." Nudists flattered. suspect foul play when Harlow, a proved somewhat reluctant to You can learn more from a 1/31 11:21 p.m. Blount Hall: Gang war erupts over control of the known affectionado of local blues- don the summoning dress and two-page Rhode'ster than you smoking social room on first floor when renegade rock band "The Delta Queens," drink the special potion, com- ever learned in school. The group of non-smokers stage a coup. A brawl missed three Queens shows in a plaining that anti-freeze was Rhode'ster has a notion, a ensued. Nonsmokers found stuffed into air ducts with row. toxic, but I eventually managed notion deep inside, that it ain't lit Camels duct-taped to their lips.'Upon being freed, "He was such a fan," stated the to 'explain' it to him," Nelson no sin to be glad you're alive. the newly addicted students bummed a smoke from Queens' bassist. "He'd show up explained. Officer Humphries. dressed just like us, holdin' up a "Unfortunately, that elf-loving Reaching The Rhode'ster: Tornadoes Dodged: 43 lighter like it was a stadium show. deviant didn'tcome through,"said Roll down the window and let Exchange Students Deported: 1 That man could sure fill out a Nelson. "But I've got my boys the wind blow back your hair. Englishmen 'Rodgered': 1 mumu." Hatley and Humphries working Then wrap your legs 'round Presidential Search Candidates Announced To Student Body: 0 Harlow's departure went on it right now. Mrs. Claus might these velvet rims and strap Feral Kittens Served as "Fiesta Del Sol": 36 strangely unnoticed at Rhodes be short a couple of kneecaps your hands 'cross our engines. We know we ain't nobody's Trustees Offended, Frightened or Assaulted by Rhode'ster Staffers: 47 until a recent press release an- come next Christmas, and I'm ap- bargain, but, hell, a little touch- Martinis mixed: 80 nounced his impending "resigna- pealing that stupid 'Restraining tion"come March. Order' thing with Nancy" up and a little paint. oAL ODESTER

Daughdrill Invades Belgium, Secures Empire

"WE'u MAKEVIK THOSEHSE~~ 'MAS Pm'Vows~I~OSDUGDIZ31 DAUGHDRILL 3 By Matthew Shipe and Brady Potts paying Rhodes students- I was per- was serving all those Belgian waffles. Rhode'ster Warheads sonally shocked and horrified," Turns out that VanDorSmeesh, or In a move that surprises hardly Daughdrill said in a statement to The whatever, is actually a 'Mat name. It anyone, except for some rather anx- Rhode'ster. "In my experience, the Bel- was essential to convince students that ious Belgian exchange students, Presi- gians have always been a little shifty. 'Mats lurk under every bed, and ex- dent Daughdrill launched an invasion You know they appear all nice and posing the Ratman was the first step. of Belgium, which concluded in the friendly with their chocolates and "I then brought out the old Risk sacking of Luxembourg and its sub- their funny hats, but deep down you board and within a couple of hours sequent name change to "Jimbourg." just know they're a petty little people we had developed a brilliant plan to "This really shouldn't come as a who will stab you in the back if not conquer not only Belgium, but also surprise to anyone considering recent crushed first. the rest of the known world. How- events'"said John Kerr, Executive Di- "So once I heard how they crashed ever, we decided to limit the invasion rector of Media Relations. "Belgium that party, I had no choice but to act. to only Belgium:'," Templeton said. placed Rhodes into a position where Anyway, I was wanting to conquer Once Templeton decided upon a we as an entity had to respond in or- somebody before I retired and I was strategy, Cindy 'Der Kaiser' Photo Manipulations by Brady Potts der to preserve our sovereignty. Ac- planning the invasion of Poland in Pennington was called in to make it a President Daughdrill and an unidentified ex-military consultant dis- tion had to be taken. A line had to be mid-March once the snow had bloody reality. cuss the fate of Belgian P.O.W.'s in the newly refurnished "smart" drawn in the sand. Alburty This aggression melted, but this incident gave me an "I was thrilled by the call that I War Room. could not stand:' excuse-I mean reason-to strike." received at 1800 hours that Operation The events leading up to The first to be notified about Destroy Chocolate was on," Daughdrill's decision to invade Daughdrill's executive order was Loyd Pennington said in a rather heavy eryone. On Thursday night bomb on such a piddlin' little coun- stemmed from a party given by W.T. "The Wolf" Templeton, who imme- Prussian accent. "My PAs are among Daughdrill revealed that Rhodes had try as Brussels:' Johnson ('99) and David Wheat ('99) diately began to form the strategy that the most elite killing squad known to achieved nuclear capability, and, to Of course there have been a few in late November. Apparently a group led to the sacking of Luxembourg. man, next to the Glassell Resident As- prove it, launched a big ole' Ameri- objections to the invasion. of renegade Belgians crashed a party "The very first course of action sistants, and I was glad to finally put can-made nuclear warhead that had "This just ruins our exchange pro- thrown by Johnson,eating and drink- was to think of a good derogatory them to the test. Brussels' name written all over it. gram with Belgium:' moaned Direc- ing everything in sight. term for those wannabe Frenchmen," "I trained them over the summer Tragically, Director of Campus tor of International Programs "They just devoured everything"' said Templeton, who for some odd in various methods of eliminating Safety Ralph Hatley perished when Katherine Owen Richardson. "I was Johnson said. "I large numbers of the missle's guidance system shorted planning to go over there to kick off mean everything. infidels in a wide out shortly before launch. Hatley of- our new exchange program in They ate all the variety of mean, fered to pilot the missile by joystick to Antwerp, but now that Pennington chips, guzzled the nasty, and painful ensure that those devious 'Mats met leveled the city, it seems like a moot wine-they even 'ho are we ways. God have their deserved end. In a press release point. I mean this whole thing isjust drank the Pabst obtained by The TIOSepo00 r mercy on those Rhode'ster, Hatley of- wrong. Belgians are good people. I Blue Ribbon that sprout-lovin' fered the following description of his think Daughdrill is wrong on this:' Potts brought." t walked 'Mats. No one heroic actions: "Ms. Richardson has been imme- (At this point it bout once ever suspects "I could not stand idly by while diately removed from her position as might be worth- someone in an the Belgian agenda, the Belgian inter- Director of International Programs:' while to question ty years. 'Ask Me' shirt. ests, and the international Belgian Daughdrill said, responding to personal agendas lie. Bwa ha ha ha...."conspiracy sapped our great school of Richardson's quote (We showed it to on the part of the As soon as its precious vital fluids. I have no him; screw journalistic integrity, it authors of this he Wolff the order for in- choice but to ride the bomb. Tell never hurts to suck up tq an emperor.) piece, one of * vasion was given, Humphries he can have mystun-gun, "There is no room for 'Mat sympa- whom's twenty- r ":- Pennington dis- but to keep his hands off my walkie- thizers on this campus. She is a trai- first birthday party patched a group talkie. That goes to my boy, Kyle." tor and will be dealt with as such:' was crashed, and of thirty PAs. Af- The fact that Rhodes had achieved Of course, the conquering of a another whose ter landing on nuclear capability could have major small, European country has effects Pabst Blue Ribbon the beaches of consequences on international poli- on every student on this campus. was pilfered. It might also be consid- reason was sitting in a wheelchair Normandy in France at 0910 hours tics, according to Assistant Professor Carol Casey, Director of Residence ered worthwhile not to cross The wearing one black glove and dark eye- Monday morning, the PAs of International Studies Frank Mora. Life, explained the effects that this war Rhode'ster staff.) glasses in a manner strangely evoca- blitzkrieged through France, ran- "Damn," Mora said. "Imean, to will have on students, saying, "The "They didn't even pay for any- tive of Peter Sellers. "We ran through domly killing any Frenchman that think that a small, liberal arts school room draw will be handled differently thing, man:' Wheat added. "I mean, a lot of possible slurs. Waffles and said to any of them, "Ask you what?" has achieved nuclear capability is ater- this spring. Instead of getting a room all I wanted was a couple of bucks. brussell sprouts seemed too easy. We By Wednesday morning the PAs rifying thought. If we have the bomb, draw number, students will get a draft What kind of sick people would do finally settled on "Mats' which is short had reached Belgium, and by five that you know that Sewanee has it too. number. Those students whose num- that? They should be eliminated." for 'doormats, because, hey, who are afternoon they had stormed through God knows how those rich snots will bers come up willbe, um, drafted and Upon hearing about the plight of we kidding? Those poor shmoes get the Belgian countryside, pillaging use the bomb? We are looking at ase- trained by Kaiser Pennington before young Wheat and Johnson, President walked all over about once every fifty many a quaint Belgian village in the rious preppy gap here. being sent to the front line to fortify Daughdrill acted immediately. years. They're due." process. By that night, the PAs had "The real question, though, is our position in western Europe." "When I heard about what those "Next, we pointed out several surrounded Luxembourg. whether or not Rhodes will use this "On the bright side, there should Belgians did to those poor guys-both subversives on campus like that However, the next episode in this power responsibly. It's a good sign be better parking for those students good, decent, God-fearing, tuition- VanDerShmooch guy, the one who little drama came as a surprise to ev- that Daughdrill decided to test the returning next semester"