OREGON
June 10th, 2012ommentatoA Journal of Opinion c Volume XXIX Issue IX r Brand ook! New L Same Tasteless Writing! 2012TH TE AWARDATER Most S utest C le fucka Coup ble Biggest Corpse Failur e
Biggest Dick Move st Bigge ck Clusterfu AND MORE... Mission Statement
Founded Sept. 27th, 1983 Member Collegiate Network The Oregon Commentator is an independent journal of opinion published at the University of Oregon for the cam- Editor-In-Chief pus community. Founded by a group of concerned student Ben Schorr journalists on September 27, 1983, the Commentator has had Publisher a major impact in the “war of ideas” on campus, providing Nicholas Ekblad students with an alternative to the left-wing orthodoxy pro- moted by other student publications, professors and student Managing Editor Art Director C. W. Keating Maggie Brees groups. During its twenty-six year existence, it has enabled University students to hear both sides of issues. Our paper Copy Editors Nicholas Ekblad, C.W. Keating, Rebecca O’Neill combines reporting with opinion, humor and feature articles. Ben Schorr We have won national recognition for our commitment to Editor Emeritus Publisher Emeritus journalistic excellence. Sophia Lawhead Ethan Bendau The Oregon Commentator is operated as a program of the Associated Students of the University of Oregon (ASUO) and Distribution Managers Associate Editor Content Coordinator Adam Chimeo, Hailey Rebecca O’Neill Brandt Hamilton is staffed solely by volunteer editors and writers. The paper is Chamberlain, Brandon Lee funded through student incidental fees, advertising revenue Contributors and private donations. We print a wide variety of material, Sophia Lawhead, Ashley Reed, Lauren Greenhall, Ben Schorr, Adam but our main purpose is to show students that a political phi- Chimeo, Hailey Chamberlain, Rebecca O’Neill, Nicholas Ekblad, Ben losophy of conservatism, free thought and individual liberty Lewis, Brandt Hamilton, Natalie Humphrey, Tyler Millette, Katie Conley, Brandon Lee, Charlie Hockette, Will Beare, Joseph Glasgow is an intelligent way of looking at the world–contrary to what they might hear in classrooms and on campus. In general, edi- Blog Editor Layout Directors tors of the Commentator share beliefs in the following: Sophia Lawhead Ashley Reed, Nicholas Ekblad, Ben Schorr, Brandt Hamilton Board of Directors •We believe that the University should be a forum for ra- Ethan Bendau, Chairman tional and informed debate–instead of the current climate in Ashley Reed, Vice-Chairman which ideological dogma, political correctness, fashion and Sophia Lawhead, Director mob mentality interfere with academic pursuit. Alumni Advisory Board •We emphatically oppose totalitarianism and its apolo- Charles H. Deister ‘92, R.S.D. Wederquist ‘92 gists. Scott Camp, ‘94, Ed Carson ‘94, Mark Hemingway ‘98, •We believe that it is important for the University com- William Beutler ‘02, Tim Dreier ‘04, Olly Ruff ‘05, Tyler Graf ‘05 munity to view the world realistically, intelligently, and above Board of Trustees all, rationally. Richard Burr, Thomas Mann •We believe that any attempt to establish utopia is bound Owen Brennan, Scott Camp to meet with failure and, more often than not, disaster. •We believe that while it would be foolish to praise or The Oregon Commentator is an independent journal of opinion. All signed essays and commentaries herein represent the opinions of agree mindlessly with everything our nation does, it is both the writers and not necessarily the opinions of the magazine or its ungrateful and dishonest not to acknowledge the tremendous staff. The Commentator is an independent publication and the Or- blessings and benefits we receive as Americans. egon Commentator Publishing Co., Inc. is an independent corpora- •We believe that free enterprise and economic growth, tion; neither are affiliated with the University of Oregon nor its School of Journalism. And, contrary to popular, paranoid opinion, we are in especially at the local level, provide the basis for a sound so- no way affiliated with either the CIA or the FBI, or the Council on ciety. Foreign Relations. •We believe that the University is an important battle- The Oregon Commentator accepts letters to the editor and com- ground in the “war of ideas” and that the outcome of political mentaries from students, faculty and staff at the University of Ore- gon, or anyone else for that matter. Letters and commentaries may be battles of the future are, to a large degree, being determined submitted personally to Room 319 EMU or placed in our mailbox in on campuses today. Suite 4 EMU; phoned in to (541) 346-3721, or e-mailed to ocomment@ •We believe that a code of honor, integrity, pride and uoregon.edu. rationality are the fundamental characteristics for individual We reserve the right to edit material we find obscene, libelous, inappropriate or lengthy. We are not obliged to print anything that success. does not suit us. Unsolicited material will not be returned unless ac- Socialism guarantees the right to work. However, we be- companied by a stamped, self-addressed envelope. Submission con- lieve that the right not to work is fundamental to individual stitutes testimony as to the accuracy. liberty. Apathy is a human right. E-mails sent to individual authors that are directly related to the Or- egon Commentator may be reused by the Commentator as it sees fit.
2 EDITORIAL
Whoa, what the fuck am I doing here? The Future: I stumbled into the Commentator a little over two terms ago. I had just come to U of O as a freshman-- What’s that? The editorial is a place to talk about the issue, not just myself? Okay, dick. I’m new to this. This wonderful issue of the Oregon Commentator is called the Tater Awards. We give appreciation to all of our recipients for making this year a particularly average one. From Occupy, to elec- tion scandals, to firing Larivierie, this year has further established that people will fuck up, and we will continue to make fun of them. Now back to my story. After freaking out over my application and doing an unnecessary amount or proofreads, I showed up to the Commentator office. I was pleasantly surprised to be greeted by “Did I ever tell you kids the story of how I was in charge of a college magazine?” two lovely young ladies. They were very inviting, and before I real- “Yes, Grandpa. And please put your pants ized what was happening, my first article was published. After my back on.” first meeting, while schmoozing with some Commentators, the ladies asked, “What kind of girls do you like?” I replied, “Consenting.” They laughed, and then the now Editor Emeri- tus, the amazing Sophia Lawhead, said something I’ll never forget. Most likely. In a mock New England accent she joked, “Ya gotta future here, kid.” And here I am. This probably wasn’t what she meant at the time but I’m happy it turned out this way. Handing in that application was the best decision I’ve made at U of O. That’s not saying much, since most of my decisions lead to me waking up with regret, and a penis drawn on my forehead (cross out the word “drawn” to learn why I don’t go to Cowfish anymore). But still, I shudder to think what would have happened if I hadn’t started writing for the OC. The best part of working for the Oregon Commentator is the people. There will always be a place in my heart, equally proportional to the one missing in my liver, for all those lovable alcoholics. I also look forward to getting new people involved. If you read any issue, like what you see, have a terrible drinking problem, a sick sense of humor, and think you have what it takes, fill out an app and stop by the office. You really have no idea what it might lead to. Maybe a handjob. And before I finish this sappy editorial, I’d like to give a very special Tater Award to YOU, for making it through another year, something that you did a lot better than Whitney Houston. It is with great dishonor and a complete lack of decency that I proudly present to you, The 2012 Tater Awards.
Holy shit, Ben Schorr
33 CONTENTS Contents [Departments] Editorial [pg. 3] Nobody [pg. 5] SPEW [pg. 30]
Year In Review...... 6 Ben Schorr breaks it down for all those who weren’t paying atention Review Of the Webfoot...... 8 Rebecca O’Neill judges a book by it’s cover In Defense of Jersey Shore...... 9 Not that shitty after all, Haley Bacon explains why Bitch, Where’s My Money?...... 10 Origins explained, oppurtunites lost Biggest Clusterfuck...... 13 Tip: Don’t Google this with safe search off, in the library. Worst Janitor...... 15 YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, FUCK YOU Sexiest Campus Preacher...... 16 C.W. Keating gets down on his knees Worst “Phishing” Trip...... 16 Brandon Lee vents his rage “Chillest Frat”...... 17 Joseph Glasgow won’t be rushing anytime soon Best Hip-Hop Name...... 18 Cause y’all know it’s young Mitt on the mic Biggest Flirt...... 19 Brandt Hamilton’s not very comfortable using his real name for this Most Overrated...... 19 Adam Chimeo is not hungry and isn’t in the mood for games Best Place to Fight an Anarchist...... 20 Looking to throw down over politics? C.W. Keating has just the place Sexiest Major...... 20 Ben Lewis get’s dirty and rock hard Best Reader Response...... We swear we didn’t make it up 21 Cutest Couple...... Delving into juicy campus gossip 22 Vagina’s Best Friend...... 23 No, it’s not a penis Biggest Dick...... Calm down Size Queen, it’s a metephor, Charlie Hockett gives the scoop 24 Best Resume Filler...... 25 Will Beare explains why you shouldn’t occupy Occupy Least Fucks Given...... 26 We can dance if you want to, we can leave your friends behind Biggest Failure...... 27 Rebecca O’Neill shows what you should not do as an elected official Man of the Year...... 28 Have you met Richard? No? Ethan Bendua has, you poor bastard Woman of the Year...... 29 Natalie Humphrey honors this whoa, man! of the year 44 NOBODY ASKED US, BUT... OC ANY LAST WORDS?
Bartending Schoolasks Drunk... Ex BF Kony “The Tater”
Start with a fifth of potato vodka. Add all the crappy left- over alcohol from throughout the year.
No one will actually enjoy it. “What’re you doing “So many new friend tonight?” requests!” Sudsy says: Travyon Martin Richard Lariviere “Call me maybe? No. Call me daddy.” “I don’t even like “स्मेल्ल् यौ लतेर, skittles!!!” फ़ुक्केर्स.” Siri Sudsy Oregon Voice Says:
“We’re a pretty obscure publication, you proba- bly haven’t heard of us.”
We agree with you on this one. But hey, at “Stop asking me shit! “Still gay.” least you’re better than Use Google, fuck!” the Student Insurgent.
55 TIME KEEPS ON SLIPPING 2011/2012 Oregon Commen tator Style Year In Re November, 2012 cial profiling across the nation. To Former university president Rich- which Rodney King replied, “Psh.” ard Lariviere abruptly loses office, to public dismay. Lariviere had re- ferred to the Oregon Commentator as “sophomoric and embarrass- ing” years before. YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS? YOU SEE WHAT HAP- PENS WHEN YOU FUCK WITH June 11, 2011 US, LARIVIERE? Not worth it. Reckless idiot and notorious ass- hole dies behind the wheel in a January 2, 2012 March 5, 2012 drunk driving accident. Why do Ducks win the Rose Bowl: a million The Kony 2012 video is released we care? It’s Jackass’s own Ryan frat boys get alcohol poisoning. online and goes viral almost imme- Dunn. Wait, do we care? diately. Extreme disappointment January 15, 2012 felt around the world to learn that October 27, 2011 The Arab Spring takes effect in the children aren’t literally invisible The Occupy movement comes to Egypt causing protests and vio- and we can’t start making the X- the U of O campus. Not sure why. lence. Leaves most Americans to Men. Some day. say, “What’s the big deal? Every country has spring.” March 15, 2012 Creator of the Kony 2012 video January 25, 2012 caught on a masturbating ram- ASUO Vice President Katie Tay- page through downtown San Di- lor and OSPIRG president Charles ego. Give the guy a break, he was Denson’s marriage is brought to “raising awareness.” light. Shows a huge conflict of in- terest in student government. Also, April 9, 2012 gross dude! Katie Taylor and Alex Syl- February 11, 2012 vester are re- Whitney Houston dies, creating the moved from biggest comeback in her career. the ASUO presidential February 26, 2012 ballot. They 17-year-old Trayvon Martin is shot were involved and killed by a neighborhood watch in a scheme coordinator while walking unarmed to sabotage through a gated community. The at- opponents tack seemed to be racially motivat- by hacking I’m not kidding, this makes no sense. ed and raised discussion about ra- emails and al- 66 INTOMAIL THE CALL FUTURE Oregon Commen tator Style view tering information, apparently master- minded by Charles Denson. Leaves us all to say, “Seri- The layout on this was looking too kid-friendly, so I threw in ously guys? Like, something wildy inappropriate. really?” May 4, 2012 June 10, 2012 April 10, 2012 “Make some noise if you with me!… The Oregon Commentator débuts Rick Santorum Adam? Adam?” Beloved Beastie the 2011-2012 Tater awards, the gives up his quest Boy Adam Yauch dies at age 47. first issue with new Editor-In-Chief, to be Republican me, in charge. Despite humiliat- Presidential can- ingly low expectations, the maga- didate, showing that when you’re zine is a worldwide phenomenon. against birth control you should Everyone on staff wins every liter- just pull out. Artificially made self- ary award imaginable, and a docu- made man, Mitt Romney, goes on mentary created about the success to run against Obama. wins every Oscar. Women swoon and men break into tears when April 11, 2012 confronted with the raw literary Marvel’s The Avengers premieres force of the magazine. The Com- and kicks so much motherfucking mentator earns 14 billion dollars ass. Sets the record for biggest somehow, even though every is- opening weekend in the United May 9, 2012 sue is free. The Student Insurgent States. Obama endorses gay marriage. Many Americans give a sigh of re- finally gives up publishing. World hunger ends. Peace on earth. April 20, 2012 lief, with a faint lisp. People rejoice, Ferrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr twennnnnnnnnny because as our own Brandt Ham- ilton has put it, “Opposing Gays is April 29, 2012 Super Gay.” ASUO President Ben Eckstein and Vice President Katie Taylor re- ceive no consequences for unethi- cal conduct regarding their cam- paign finances. Charles Denson is also a culprit, of course. Yes, the same Katie Taylor and Charles Denson mentioned above. The Ben Schorr is Editor-In-Chief for the ASUO is made a farce by slimy Oregon Commentator and no, I’m politics. What else is new. not letting this get to my head, why do you ask?
7 WEBFOOT REVIEW Review of The Webfoot Bar & Grill (Without Actually Going Inside)
Let’s begin with aesthetics. The sliced pink flesh. Webfoot is situated within a newly You’re agape and nauseated renovated beige cement rectangle for a second until you realize that on 13th Avenue. On its eastern it could be ahi tuna you’re looking side it dons a juvenile smattering at. But you can only hope its ahi We all get lonely of graffiti that has got to be Toad tuna. You can only hope. Through from Super Mario Brothers. I swear the rumor mill I’ve heard the Web- sometimes. to God that’s Toad. You’ll also no- foot exhibits a few chic eccentrici- tice that a single flat rests upon the ties: a chalkboard-countertop bar Why not join the Webfoot. It makes me wonder how and barstools built into kegs. As Oregon Commentator? the hell they get into that apart- soothing as nails on a chalkboard We’re all real people ment, and why they hate them- do sound, and as comfortable an selves so much that they have con- aluminum keg is on the ass-bone, who can fulfill your des- demned themselves to living on top I’ve still refrained from entering the perate desire for social of campus’ worst bar. I didn’t want place. But without stepping inside, contact. Some of us are to dignify the Webfoot with patron- I do have one good thing to say even pretty cool. age so naturally I Googled it and about the Webfoot: Its tinted win- naturally I visited the Webfoot’s dows make for a fantastic mirror to We are looking for: Facebook page. You’d think that its check your hair in before you walk -Writers cover photo would be something into Roma. -Artists generic—maybe a logo, maybe a -Layout Designers picture of a few brews, a few bros, I don’t know. Well it isn’t. It’s an out -Rabble Rousers of focus close-up of some sort of Rebecca O’Neill is a contributor for the Oregon Commentator and needs a fake ID.
“How about my Web- foot up your ass!”
Pick up and turn in applications in EMU Rm. #319
88 JERSEY SHORE
IN DEFENCE OF
endless amount of free time. only things Snooki and JWOWW I went through all of the normal perpetuate are the values of being In last year’s Hate Issue of the stages of attraction, the first being yourself, rockin’ it as a friend, and Oregon Commentator there was lust. I was flirting with the idea of not taking shit from anyone. Oh an article about a lovely little meat- Jersey Shore but not ready to ad- and they’re beautiful in an overly ball named Snooki, or more spe- mit it yet. My first run in with the tanned and bedazzled kind of way. cifically about how Jersey Shore Shore consisted of Snooki and The third and final stage of attrac- is an awful reality television show Mike “The Situation” swapping al- tion is commitment. I can proudly that perpetuates Italian-American cohol infused saliva in the hot tub. say that I have reached this stage stereotypes. Well I’m here to turn I, like anyone else, love a hookup and will not go down without a fight the tables on this bitch and express story and felt the first tingle of pas- when it comes to Jersey Shore. my genuine love, appreciation, and sion to know more about these You think that they’re stupid? I think maybe a weird sexual attraction to greased up weirdos. they’re smart enough to figure out Jersey Shore and all of it’s tanned The second stage hit me like how to make a ton of money by guidos and guidettes. a ton of bricks. The passion had doing nothing. You think they lead I’ll admit, when JS turned into a grown to attraction and now I was an unhealthy lifestyle? Sure, they national sensation I was also a non- swimming in the deep end. How drink excessively and have a lot believer. When asked if I watched could I have been missing this for of sex but I think we can all agree Jersey Shore I replied with, “I try 5 goddamn seasons? I don’t know that you would prefer be doing that not to” with an added “How could how to explain it to someone who rather than reading this article. You you even ask me that question” is stupid and not watching the think they perpetuate the worst eye roll. Luckily, I don’t have a lot of show but JWOWW and Snooki are Italian-American stereotypes? I friends, which resulted in spending two of the best people I’ve ever challenge you make a more enter- my spring break with my 15 year- met (fingers crossed). Seriously, taining show about the “best” Ital- old sister, a Netflix account and an they are actually good people. The ian-American stereotypes. Obviously it all comes down to personal opinion. Maybe you don’t like reality TV in general or maybe you have some kind of genetic dis- ease that prevents you from know- ing anything about anything. Either way Jersey Shore is here to stay and all I ask is that you give those lovable juice heads and grenades a chance.
Haley Bacon is a contributor to the Or- egon Commentator and next she’ll be defending the Maury Povich show.
99 NO MONEY Bitch, Where's A Commentator Origin Story By Ashley Reed My Money? next best (read: heavily advertised and readily available) option: the As the end of my final year at tirely true; I’ve always been foul- Daily Emerald. They published the UO comes barreling at me like mouthed). Once upon a time, I was stuff, whatever. So, after a couple a freight train made of textbooks a bright-eyed, bushy-tailed fresh- of phone calls and a group inter- and term papers, I can’t help gaz- man ready to change the world. It view with the news editor, Jennifer, ing into my vodka-cran and reflect- was (and is, shut up) my dream to I was officially a freelance writer for ing on my time here—and (with be a professional writer, and my the Ol’ Dirty. a twitch) who I used to be. As high school guidance counselor At the time, the set-up for free- happens with all of us, a lot has had stressed the importance of lance work was as such: every changed during my time at UO—I experience for future employment. week, our lovely Jenny would now know how to cook a stirfry Since publications like the Regis- send out a list of articles (specifi- without setting the kitchen on fire, ter-Guard and the Eugene Weekly cally ones that were too boring or have become mostly jaded to sky- were choking on too many applica- small-time for the staff writers) for rocketing tuition costs (or, as I like tions to even consider an untrained the freelancers to claim—whoever to call it, protection money to Cartel college freshman, I went with the emailed back first got the story. de Nike), and am now intimately fa- miliar with the difference between LSD and PCP. But, through every- thing that’s happened over the last four years, the ups and downs that I’ll one day look back on fondly as I continue my life’s journey, there is one thing that always stayed—and likely will always stay—the same: I call it “frustration,” they the Daily Emerald still owes me call it “resume building.” $8.00. And why, might you ask, is the Ol’ Dirty red in my ledger? Uncred- ited photograph of mine slapped across the front page? Unpaid blackmail? An IOU for a rock of “inspiration”? Unfortunately, it’s not nearly as cool as any of those things—it is, in fact, about as stu- pid as those things are interesting. And it all goes back to my fresh- man year of college. Believe it or not, I didn’t always used to be a foul-mouthed, vodka- swilling grump that proverbially stabs people in the eye with a pen every month (well, that’s not en- 1010 MO’ PROBLEMS
Also, to prove their gumption, each a big deal, right? freelancer had to write three arti- Right? cles for free, after which they would So, the Emerald started produc- be paid—wait for it—$8.00 per ar- tion again. During that time, the ticle. At the time, it seemed like a position of news editor changed sweet gig. The hourly minimum hands from the lovely and com- wage was hovering right around petent Jenny to, I swear, Robert that rate at the time, and even if the D’Andrea and I waited for the next articles were often so boring you’d set of assignments. And waited. rather be in Info Hell than working And waited. Weeks went by without on them, it was work experience! any proposals gracing my inbox, Precious, delicious work experi- no single glimmer of cc’d hope. Af- ence! Plus, in addition to that lovely ter a while I started to wonder if my sum I would start getting paid once email was being funky—I went to I proved myself, my hard work see D’Andrea at least five times to might’ve eventually landed me a make sure my name was put on the lucrative position as a full-time Em- freelancer list (hanging obsessive- erald staff writer. Sounded pretty ly over his shoulder the last time, For those of you too young to have good to me. At the time. staring at that ticky-box like I was been around when this happened, I remember well the last article a starving hyena and it was a pot the Emerald staff went on strike I wrote for the Emerald. While the roast wrapped in bacon), all to no back in March 2009 over a manag- previous articles barely made any avail. Finally, I gave up hope, letting ing dispute, wherein the staff be- impression on me (barring the one whatever technological or internal lieved they would lose a measure I wrote advertising Japan Night gaffe that was to blame here over- of their independence if the interim 2008, after my realization that I’d take my chances of ever reaching publisher brought on by the Board been fed bad info by the oh-so- article number five. I stopped going of Directors got a foothold in the credible event literature I’d duti- to the Emerald entirely, frustrated newsroom. As far as I know, none fully consulted), this one was spe- and betrayed. I never received a of the freelancers were informed cial—an article reviewing a “biker’s paycheck for my first paid story. It of this plan—and sure, maybe in rights” lecture that took place at the was like your boyfriend breaking the eyes of the staff writers we law school, to a room of about ten up with you over text before steal- were about as intelligent and vital interested individuals and myself, ing your grandmother’s earrings to the paper as a tank full of hag- sitting in the corner with my little and showing up later to kick you in fish, but they couldn’t even spare voice recorder like a real journal- the lady bits. I was wounded, jad- a warning? Perhaps ist! Sure, it was as boring as all a, “Hey, don’t spend the others (though for some rea- two hours of your son, the lecturer’s advice to not precious time at a kick cars while riding has inexplica- seminar so boring bly stuck with me), but that wasn’t you want to tear out what made it interesting. This arti- your eyeballs and cle—it was article number four. My stuff them in your serfdom was over! Time to rake in ears, that shit ain’t the dough! Or so I thought. even gonna run, I turned in my article to the news sucka!” But hey, editor as normal, expecting to whatever. The strike see my first bit of paid journalism ended after a mea- standing proudly in a tiny box on sly three days, and I page eight or so. Instead, I woke was still going to be the next day to this: paid anyway, so not
1111 SHOW ME THE MONEY
ed, abandoned—and the Emerald jaded by my treatment there and went happily along without me. viciously opposed to rejoining, I Months passed. The wounds might have never become a com- healed. The amount of stock nec- mentator, much less get a director’s essary for my emergency stash of chair. And sure, maybe the position Ben and Jerry’s steadily shrank to isn’t paid, but you also don’t see a single pint of Chunky Monkey. I me writing about some no-name regained my self-confidence, sub- speaker talk about if bikes should mitted to journals, got a job and an yield or halt at stop signs. I get to internship, moved past my feelings get my writing experience telling The War of desertion. But there was a in- dick jokes and swearing through kling that I couldn’t get past: the job articles about the OLCC, saying and internship were great, better what I think about student debt on Toner than great, but I needed something and making graphs about why you more. I needed writing experience. will dump your boyfriend before And there was only one place I Thanksgiving break (and dicks; did Update: could think to get it. I mention the dicks?). I’ve gotten I was stepping off the elevator experience in formatting a maga- on the third floor of the EMU, head- zine, marketing content and man- ed to those big double doors to beg aging staff. Not to the same scale, the Emerald to take me back, and sure, but I got more experience as had to take a seat to compose my- a commentator than I likely could self. I didn’t want this—the thought have realistically hoped for as Em- of begging back my crappy-ass erald freelancer. job when they’d tossed me aside But all that sentimental af- like garbage was a sledgeham- ter-school crap aside, the heart of mer to my pride. I couldn’t do it—I the matter is still thus: the Emerald couldn’t! owes me $8.00. The article never And that’s when I looked up and ran, but it was written with great Devastating saw the door to the Oregon Com- heart and dedication, and the only news from the mentator office, open, with the reason it didn’t hit paper was be- lights on. cause the Emerald staff neglected front lines as we I found out later from Commen- to give the low-down to their less- tator staffer Alex Tomchak (horse ers. Not my fault, and my wallet frantically search porn guy, for you youngins out shouldn’t have to suffer for it. So, for last-minute there) who had been previously thanks for all the indirect life expe- involved with the Emerald that, in rience help, Emerald, but hearts content. fact, after possible-D’Andrea took and flowers don’t pay the bills. I’ll over as news editor, none of the be anticipating a check for that freelancers were getting contacted amount ASAP. at all. Also, apparently these days Well, alright, anticipate freelance staffers don’t get paid might not be the right word. Shit, if period—they just get to hold onto I get that thing, I’m gonna frame it. that sweet, sweet hope that one day they’ll make staff. Well, I don’t want to sound like a skeptic folks, but thumbs up and try not to wince. I will thank the Emerald for one thing: I’m in a way better spot now, Ashley Reed a contributor to the Or- thanks to them. If I hadn’t been so egon Commentator and you’d better not be holding out on her.
1212 THE TATER AWARDS
Ah, the Tater Awards. Many have asked where the title comes from, it’s rooted in Commen-tator, get it? Some people may say, “Shouldn’t it be Tator The Awards then?” To which we mumble, “No, be- cause...” while quickly cre- ating a diversion, such as Tater a flashbomb or swift kick to the groin, and making our stealthy escape. Anyway, Awards we start our prestigious award ceremoney with: We have to yell “Poof!” ourselves. Biggest Clusterfuck ets—like taking on a fat portion of rupting classes at the UO and busi- ASUO Elections the staff from the group that set up ness at the Valley River Center, Once upon a time, a mas- a phishing scam to screw you, or and at least one fatal beating. All ochistic friend of mine wrote up allegedly being bought and paid for—what, exactly? a summary of the fourth Twilight for by the athletic department— Although Occupy may have book for those of us that refused to were the nuts and cherries on the started with good intentions, the read it. It was one of the bloodiest, bullshit sundae. This cycle was the road to hell is apparently paved most illogical, completely moronic joke book of election cycles, too with that, crystal meth and stolen and hilarious things I’ve ever read. ridiculous to be anything but a bi- wine (see: the Student Insurgent That’s what this year’s ASUO elec- zarrely hilarious clusterfuck. All it Anarchist issue), because that’s tion was like. needed was a vampire baby and just about where Occupy Eugene I mean damn, really? a blood fountain and you’ve got a ended up. With no discernible goal Clearly Katie Taylor and company New York Times bestseller. in mind, the group seemingly tried couldn’t be satisfied with the reveal to shut down area banks and dis- of her and Denson’s massive-con- Occupy Eugene rupt business on Black Friday just flict-of-interest-marriage As of May 20, the city of Eugene for the fun of it. That was without and potentially fraudulent is reporting that it will cost $5,000 taking into consideration that the campaign funding, they to fully repair the southern por- people most hurt by those actions had to step it up and com- tion of Washing- were from the 99% they claimed mit what could have consti- ton-Jefferson to represent—I don’t think Phil tuted a federal crime— Park, the spot Knight’s hitting the Wells Fargo on all while having the where Oc- Broadway to cash his paychecks, brass gonads to cupy Eugene and I figure the franchise workers claim they had camped for at Valley River Center are feeling the students’ much of the the economic pinch more than the best interest winter. That’s af- company CEOs. The rest of their at heart. The ter the $115,000 spent doings, particularly the encamp- additional by the city to deal with ments at Alton-Baker Park, the UO, hiccups by the movement and host and finally Washington-Jefferson the other tick- the encampment; inter- Park really did nothing more than 1313 BIGGEST CLUSTERFUCK
make people feel unsafe on pub- ly, what the hell do you people do My roommate and I once had a guy lic land. Even some of my most with our money? Are you so cheap walk in front of our car while it was pro-union, pro-free-health-care, that the only way to keep these rolling, and he looked completely anti-corporate, pro-welfare friends buildings standing is by charging shocked when the car, you know, could only answer comments about us even more? actually started to go and hit him. Occupy with the downcast eyes of That being said, who wouldn’t WHAT THE FUCK, MORON. Oh, embarrassment and shame. Even want a bar in the EMU? I mean and don’t even get me started on Occupy organizers, when asked it’s not like there are half a dozen the drivers, shooting through the about the value of the camp by other places to drink that are walk- intersection without even looking the Register-Guard, couldn’t do ing distance from class. Oh wait, if, oh, someone’s in the goddamn any better than pointing out that there are. And even better, they’re crosswalk and they’re about to be- homeless people were attracted to ones that aren’t subsidized by my come your new hood ornament? the park, lowering the amount of tuition. I have seriously seem people not people in Eugene’s homeless even look when they turn onto shelters and cutting down on Kincaid towards 11th. ARE crime in the downtown area YOU OUT OF YOUR GOD- by . . . concentrating it all in DAMN MIND? a city park. Congratulations. And goddamn bikers. Nobel Prizes all around. Swerving in and out of traf- And lets not forget that, fic like they don’t have a bike amongst a plethora of fights lane because the city thought that went down in the Occupy it would be brilliant to combine encampment, a man ended the eastbound bike lane and up dead. Because a bunch of the car lane. Are you fucking people wanted to camp out serious right now? You don’t and pretend to be activists, see this going at all poorly? not make any difference, and This intersection doesn’t generally be a destructive even need to be in the com- nuisance. If that’s not the def- petition to win. At its worst inition of clusterfuck, I don’t times, at about ten o’clock know what is. when everyone is trying to get to 13th and Kincaid class or drop off their friends or find EMU/SRC What the fuck. No, seriously. I parking or whatever, it’s the very Congrats to the ASUO. Their remember being on a bus headed definition of clusterfuck. There is experiment to see if they could get for UO station that got to 13th and no more perfect example than that. students to swallow an increase in Alder ten minutes before I was The ASUO elections, Occupy, and tuition produced definitive results. supposed to be in class. By the the EMU/SRC insanity could all be The genius that thought of sug- time we actually got to the station, going on, simultaneously, right in gesting that tuition increase should I was already late! What the fuck the middle of that godforsaken in- be commended. man?! It’s like an endless stream of tersection, and it wouldn’t be any While there is a need for im- vehicles and insanity, with drivers more insane. provements, the ASUO is going to and pedestrians alike stumbling Seriously, 13th and Kincaid, you have to find another way to get the into a giant cloud of dumbass that win. Just please, please—stop the money together. With the cost of seeps into their every pore. The madness. tuition increasing across the board, peds are a nightmare—sure, there most students are not psyched may not be a street in all of Eugene to pay for a renovation. It is our where someone will look both Ashley Reed and B. W. Lee are contribu- space, but we already pay through ways before strolling in front of a tors to the Oregon Commentator and the nose to come here and now we semi-truck, but at goddamn 13th thought of something completely different need to pay more to keep the roof and Kincaid it happens on three when we asked them to research cluster- from falling on our head? Serious- different sidewalks simultaneously. fucks. 1414 CILF/WORST JANITOR Whitney Houston Most Houston. ory of the Amy Winehouse effect, Her death has actually done which states that any star that dies Fuckable wonders for her body, as it no lon- from cocaine is going to be fuck- ger has to take the malicious side ing disgusting. I would, however, Corpse effects from Whit’s cocaine addic- like to point out that Amy was not tion. Her damn fine corpse dis- even fuckable when she was living. proves the latest necrophilia the- Come on now, I do have standards All right, a lot of you pan- after all. sy ass bitches are going to So here is to the new, say that my wanting to fuck sober Whitney Houston, Whitney Houston’s cold life- the most fuckable corpse less body is repulsive. Some since Farrah Faucet. But be might even say it’s terrible warned Whitney, your throne because she’s not consent- is being sought after hard. ing. Well listen dipshits, cor- Celebrities such as Lindsay rect me if I’m wrong, but Lohan may very well be the was it not Whitney herself most fuckable corpse after that said, “and IIIIIIIIIIIIIII she overdoses next month. will always... LOOVEEE But let us not be pessimists, YOUUUUUUUUUUUU?” and instead support Whitney Does the word always stop at whilst she has the title. Let death? Hell no: it means for- us not rain on her parade, I ever. mean, we’re not monsters. So I will continue to sup- port anyone’s lust for that fine piece of ass that is Whitney Houston. Emphasis on fine Brandt Hamilton is a contributor ass. I mean the only person to the Oregon Commentator with more crack than Whitney and is truly embarrassed that he Houston is well... Whitney Too far? Yeah, too far. wrote this article.
ever janitorial god you call master. Manolo Rodriguez Well fine, Manolo. I guess I can Fuck you, Manolo. Fuck you just snort wood glue by myself. I with a dirty mop handle. don’t need you or your sexy nam- I tried to be nice. I wrote you etag. Or your impeccable sweep- letters every day. I called you at ing pattern. Or your dreamy blue Worst eyes… home around 3 a.m., just when you like it. I showered you with But fine. Be that way. Janitor gifts, stuffed animals, and your Ya fuckface. very own Clorox cleaning kit. Yet all my phone calls were ignored, C.W. Keating is a contributor to the Or- all my letters were burned, and all egon Commentator and makes messes my gifts were sacrificed to what- on purpose... And waits. And waits.
1515 CAMPUS PREACHER/PHISHING TRIP
That Whiteboard Guy Sexiest out, so clearly not imposing on your James Bible. Let’s Sodom and Go- day as you hurry on to class. Maybe morrah this. Campus it’s his hoodies: the ex- tra fabric drooping around Preacher his paunch, the bouncing hoodie ties, and the casu- al hands-in-pockets look. Or maybe it’s the fact that You’ve seen him strutting his he’s just a sexy dude who sexy stuff by the covered smok- happens to be coo-coo for ing area. Almost every week he’s Christ-o Puffs. Something there, erasable marker in hand, about all that repression writing on his whiteboard: “What is gets me hot and bothered. better, mercy or justice?” If I’m going to be a sin- All I know is that I’m crying mer- ner, I might as well sin with C.W. Keating is a contributor to the cy for this delicious piece of funda- this Pat Robinson plaything. Mmm Oregon Commentator and has a mentalist tail. mmmmmm. Get at me, bro. I’ll be hard, throbbing resurection. Maybe it’s the way he hangs the one holding the copy of the King Charles Denson Worst that or you’re merely your wife’s democratic system doesn’t avail little pet, doing her bidding. I can’t you, you try to burn it down. decide which idea is funnier. Oh, No one likes a hypocrite, Charles. Phishing wait. Neither is funny at all. Don’t get me wrong. I love that I used to think that you were you hacked into those computers, Trip harmless enough. You were an and proved to everyone what a annoying little man who wouldn’t crook you are. It will ensure that shut up about OSPRIG. Making OSPRIG will never get a dime of Charles, congrats on your Ta- fun of you was a pleasure for all my student fees and that fills my tar Award. What better way to of us here at the OC. I stopped heart with joy. Enjoy Washington honor your many fine accomplish- laughing this spring. When I first D.C. Those bloodsuckers will take ments then this most dubious dis- found out what you did, I was liv- you in with open arms; they love a tinction? Here at the OC we were id. I wanted to assemble a mob, sneaky little shit like you. already in awe of your Machiavel- light the torches and run you out of I’ll see you in hell. lian schemes, but we were blown town. But I thought about it some away by your little phishing trip this more and I realized something. spring. How can you not be im- You’re pathetic. pressed by a man so hell bent on I’ve come to believe that you Brandon Lee is a contributor to the having his way that he would stoop would go to any length to get what Oregon Commentator and has to be so low as to steal an election away you want. You talk about your fueled with Haterade every day, Crank from his fellow students? Either democratic ideals, but when the style. 1616 “CHILLEST” FRAT BETA Chillest THETA Frat PI When I show my out-of-town That’s not an insult; retarded you’re a fag!” while high-fiving friends the beautiful city of Eu- babies are surprisingly good another member. This confirms gene, they very often want to barbers. However, I found an in- the fact that the kids in Beta are see Greek row. Upon arrival side source that claims one of incredibly funny, and don’t let they are all puzzled, accusing Beta’s older members actually themselves be defined by words me of bringing them to a gay perms his chest hair, a look that like “acronyms,” “initials” and bath house. One friend was par- was deemed “too gay” for ‘70s “sense.” ticularly alarmed when he saw homosexual porn. And when I But let’s be real guys: ev- the fraternity brothers outdoors, say “inside” source, I mean in- eryone who’s not a Beta mem- shirtless, doing yard work. It side source. ber could tell you that Beta is was the middle of winter. After appearances were tak- probably the worst fraternity at So when I was given the task en into consideration I looked at Oregon. One can only imagine of awarding “Chillest Frat/Best the personality of frat members. that they spend their time in the Place to Closet Your Homosex- What really makes house roofie- uality,” I had to consider many them different ing each other different aspects of UO Greek from other frats? A for fun. Howev- Life. First, I gauged the outward friend of mine once er, we all saw appearance of each fraternity brought seven girls the picture of house, as well as its members. with him to a Beta the Beta mem- When it comes to mowing the party and the guy ber getting a lawn and trimming the bushes, at the door didn’t RJ (roof job), the Beta pledges make the av- let him in because which is cooler erage Jorge and Carlos look they were “at ca- than anything like a bunch of retarded babies. pacity.” However, any other frat You may find that offensive, but he did let the sev- has done this have you ever seen a retarded en girls in. What year. So con- baby try to mow the lawn? They does this show? gratulations to do a really terrible job. That Beta members not only that member for helping Beta As for the members, they tend respect the capacity of houses, win this years “chillest” frat! to sport a cut-off lacrosse tee but they are also hardcore femi- and a sense of self entitlement. nists. Beta members are the They also wear sunglasses type of guys who will call you a when it’s unnecessary and have “G.D.I” , and if you ask what the Joseph Glasgow is a contributor to the buzz cuts that look like they letters stand for, they’ll respond Oregon Commentator and his fa- were done by a retarded baby. with something like “It means… vortie porno is Jur-assdick Park. 1717 BEST HIP-HOP NAME Mitt “R-Money” Romney
There’s no way this was an acci- dent, I think he’s trying to get the Best youth vote. Biggest Hip-Hop Flirt Name Swagger McNasty is a contributor to the Oregon Commentator and only wrote a fucking sentence, so he doesn’t deserve a real one of these.
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1818 BIGGEST FLIRT/MOST OVERRATED The Biggest GraveyardGraveyard RapistRapist All we know about the grave- pus (the first of course being that Flirt yard rapist is that he’s a six-foot, afroed fuck Charles Denson). For blonde white guy and that he en- the love of all things holy please do joys short traumatizing walks that not attempt to win this award more Seriously? This is who wins leave innocent girls feeling sad than once. No one wants to be the this award? How do I get stuck writ- and alone. While we are not sure Michael Jordan of rape. ing these articles? Well the most exactly which frat he belongs to, Seriously, why are we awarding publicized romantic in Oregon our educated guesses would lead this? this year was by far the graveyard us to believe that he is a member rapist. As if the graveyard wasn’t of the infamous SAE (AKA Sexual sketchy enough what with the large Assault Expected). population of civil war ghosts and Seriously, we’re giving this fuck- Brandt Hamilton is a contributor to the all, the graveyard rapist decided er an award?! That’s so FUCKED. Oregon Commentator and future em- to live up to his name and pull a Okay well congrats…I guess… to ployers, please don’t hold this against total Duke-Lacrosse-player move. the second biggest creep on cam- him. The Hunger Games Most First of all, let me start by say- of Asian films that have been Amer- ing that there were plenty of films icanized. For example The Grudge Overrated this year that were far worse than and The Departed were both de- The Hunger Games, and it is not rived from films made in Asia. I the content of the film that has me have no problem with Hollywood In an alternate timeline, a totali- hating, because although there ‘borrowing’ these ideas. “Good art- tarian government becomes fearful are definitely similarities between ists borrow, great artists steal,” as of its own citizens and decides to the two films, I do not believe that the saying goes. My problem is that commission a game where a group the author of The Hunger Games I’m sick of all the watered down shit of randomly selected adolescents copied Battle Royale (in fact, Su- that Hollywood produces. Where’s must fight to the death until there zanne Collins has gone on record the risk? Where’s the controversy? is only one survivor. Although this saying that she had never heard of We live in a PG-13 world, where may sound like a plot unique to the Japanese film or book before everything is meant to appeal to The Hunger Games (2011), it is starting her own). What pisses me the masses. Unfortunately, the also the plot of a much bloodier film off are the studios that shot down large majority of people are idiots. from Japan, Battle Royale (2000), Battle Royale for its risqué con- So do yourself a favor and watch in which a group of teens are sent tent while green lighting the similar Battle Royale. to an island, given random weap- Hunger Games. ons, and told to kill each other off. We Americans adore the Japa- This film was set to be made in the nese culture -- most of us just don’t States; however, due to an out- realize it. After all, where would we Adam Chimeo is a contributor to the Or- break of school shootings, it has be without Pokémon, Power Rang- egon Commentator and the odds just haven’t been in his favor recently. fallen by the wayside. ers, or Mario? Also, there are a ton
1919 FIGHT AN ANARCHIST/SEXIEST MAJOR The University Co Ops to witness the rapidly unfolding voked. But it’s logical that people Best Best Place argument/fight. “Do you rent an who adhere so rigidly to what is apartment?” the anarchist asks. clearly a flawed political system (A Reader to fight an “Because if you do you’re just play- collection of anarchists? What?) ing into the system, man. You’re are easy to anger. The black and Response Anarchist not a real Socialist. You’re a fraud.” white thinking of the Co-ops is part And that’s when the punches start of its appeal as well as its repul- It’s a chilly night and I’m smok- flying. siveness. Simply questioning the ing on the front porch of the Camp- The great thing about fighting simplistic dichotomies that charac- bell Club. Revelers go in and out, anarchists at the Co-ops is that terize most anarchist philosophies talking and mingling, clutching their you don’t even need to try that can open up a huge can of shit. shitty beer and desperately drag- hard. A well-placed scoff or smirk But if you’re in the mood for a ging on their cigarettes. My friend, is just enough to get one of these fight, please, go. Just mention how a committed Socialist, starts to get syndicalist-primitivist-intellectual- much you love the Gipper. into a conversation with one of the jerkoffist philosophers going about Co-opers. Then I realize some- labor alienation and Emma Gold- thing: this dude has the Anarchist man. And if you don’t necessarily “A” carved into his arm. agree with their views on Kibbutzs C.W. Keating is a contributor to the Fuck. or the WTO, then you have a whole Oregon Commentator and thinks that As the conversation progresses, night of bloody fun ahead of you. political views shouldn’t be inspired by voices get louder and people turn Not all of them are so easily pro- SLC Punk. Geology Corn while stroking my throbbing dykes, deep igneous intrusions, prepubescent member. I realized erect sea stacks, fold and thrust Sexiest that the hottest major was staring belts, or a hot spot. These topics me right in are so fucking Major the face: dull that geolo- Geology. gists get bored Sure, there and get their With all the majors that are of- is noth- rocks off, so to fered at a big state school, choos- ing really speak. ing the hottest one has been a bit of attractive We dedicate a challenge to say the least. There about rocks the Sexiest Ma- were many contenders. Human per se, but jor award to you, Physiology initially seems legit what’s cool Geology depart- but is actually kinda gross, unless is how it’s “Girl, the only thing hotter than you is the ment. Keep on you’re into necrophilia or necro- a byproduct firey-hot magma at the earth’s core.” blowing that lava lagnia or something. Chemistry, of geological and sexing up psychology, biology were definitely forces. Figuratively and literally, science. up there. But those generic sci- Geology is undoubtedly the hottest ence classes were hot when I was major at the U of O. The sexual in middle school watching Girls innuendo that comes with study- Ben Lewis is a contributor to the Or- Gone Wild commercials and The ing geology is no coincidence. On egon Commentator and thinks sexual innuendo is so bad it’s PUNishable. Flaccid Adventures of Tommy Two any given day, a geologist handles
2020 BEST READER RESPONSE
Best Reader Some Person There wasn’t much competition for this one. It was between this and the Response burning bags of dog crap left outside our door.
Anonymous Sympathizer is not a con- tributor to the Oregon Commentator and is very bad at keeping secrets and making pen names.
(The War on Toner Continues)
2121 CUTEST COUPLE/VAGINA’S BEST HELPER
her). A human manifestation of the “elephant in the room” idiom, Ka- Katie Taylor tie and her seductive, controversial baggage cast a spell on us when + she’s in our presence, and her icy, Cutest brown-eyed gaze and dark wavy Charles Denson locks make our hearts howl in sur- ble piñata who has skirted around render. Couple every opportunity to address her This tandem of menacing human constituents about the implica- boils that continue to reappear on tions and upheaval that emerged the face of the ASUO exude a sex- along with the news of her secret Charles, OSPIRG’s former ual darkness that makes you want matrimony. Her talents lie in being Keebler-elf-in-chief, just never to go to college for longer than you aloof, unaccountable, and in letting seems to go away! But we’re glad need to, and lose all of your he lingers—for there is noth- morals and dignity to the futil- ing more disarming than the ity that is “student activism.” chills felt after spotting him Clearly they’ve consummated on campus. It causes one to their love in hell’s family rest- wonder: Why are you here? room, and that’s what makes Who let you in? Where’s DPS them the cutest! Congratula- when you need them? Though tions, Mr. and Mrs. Denson— his perplexing, freckled visage you make the Cutest Couple and short afro make us dizzy of 2012. with lust, and his success in password phishing, money laundering, and grand I-fee lar- ceny make us swoon, Charles be- Beckstein do all the talking (and longs to Katie, our proud, brood- the writing: when Katie’s removal Rebecca O’Neill is a contributor to the ing, heathen ASUO VP. was filed for, Beckstein wrote the Oregon Commentator and there’s not She’s the campus media’s nim- 18 page, mandated response for enough space here to say that she is very- Vagina’s Colleen Jones Best Friend doesn’t help with anything. She’s a real Russian roulette: you never itchy? It’s probably AIDS or an know if you’re going to get paired STD. She may have a standard with an experienced practitioner or yeast infection? AIDS, an STD, and someone in old khakis who stares Let me start by saying that my probably a really really rare strand at WebMD under their clipboard. vagina has a lot of problems. She of cancer that only monkeys get. So women of Eugene, I, the Or- never stops talking about Clive Yeah, Google, you’re real helpful… egon Commentator am going to Owen, is constantly putting me into on opposite day. Once Google fails save you some time. The best, uncomfortable situations, and one (which it pretty much always does) most brilliant, wonderful, non-judg- time made me have sex with a guy I take my girl to the Student Health mental, blonde(ish) nurse practi- named “Lavender”. Center. tioner of women’s health is, with- Sometimes she won’t give me O Health center, you sick, sick, out a doubt, Colleen Jones. a second of peace, and Google son of a bitch. The health center is I love this woman. She has
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a way of being non judgmen- tal when discussing the weird- est, most personal issues, and is always willing to answer your questions…yes, even that one. She cares, but most importantly, she is honest. Go see her. The others are good, or whatever, but Colleen is the only one for me. She’s the one, the one you’ve been looking for. If Puddles had a vagina, he would see Colleen. And that’s a fact. I read it in a book once.
Lauren Greenhall is a contributor to the Oregon Commentator and her va- gina signed a release form so this could be published.
2323 BIGGEST METEPHORICAL DICK George Pernsteiner Biggest &Oregon University System Best O community to the process over Thanksgiving holiday was Resume Dick a calculated and deviously pre- Filler emptive move. If you are going
to publicly disgrace our leader The biggest dick award goes and leave our school in turmoil, to George Pernsteiner and the don’t do it cowardly in Salem Oregon University System for two days after emailing students the classless firing of our former as they sit down to Thanksgiving president, Richard Lariviere. dinner, far, far from their comput- Remember all of that “Stand ers. While this move was indeed With the Hat” mumbo-jumbo? “dickish,” Lariviere’s ousting Well, in case you weren’t up to brought our school together in speed with the proverbial slap ways I never thought possible. in the face our university was So the tables have turned. (OC I feel appalled that Per- dealt, let me indulge you. back cover February 2010) nsteiner and the OUS board Finalist in the Casper the could be so petty and sly but I Friendly Ghost look alike con- the dicks on the OUS board had have never been more proud to test, George Pernsteiner, and a change of mind, and insisted be a Duck than the weeks fol- his cronies on the OUS board that he step down immediately. lowing the fatal decision. Last met in secret (without any rep- Board members reasoned that time I checked, I’m going to the resentation from the U of O) Larivere had overstepped his best school in the state of Or- and decided to fire Lariviere. boundaries, raising the faculty egon and one of the top in the They then announced, through salaries, proposing fundraising nation. Together, as Ducks and email over Thanksgiving week- programs with more private do- visionaries, we will overcome end, that there would be a meet- nors and advocating for a break the shackles of mediocracy the ing in which U of O representa- with the OUS board, instead of OUS board insists on latching tives could protest, the axing of having self-governing boards. on to our campus. In honor of our leader. After sitting through Whether or not you agree Lariviere, in spite of Pernsteiner, a passionate few minutes of with Lariviere’s policies (which and in support of our common protest from Lariviere’s sup- I personally do), the whole pro- good, we will flourish and con- porters, the board quickly and cess was unprofessional, mali- tinue the legacy of excellence unanimously voted not to renew cious, sneaky, and generally that Lariviere started. Lariviere’s contract. They gave disrespectful to Lariviere and I apologize to any actual him the option of finishing out the University at large. For a dicks who were offended by this his contract (until June) or re- board contributing less than unflattering comparison. signing immediately. Being the 10% of the U of O’s funding to selfless badass that he is, Lariv- fire our president with almost no iere decided to finish out the notice and no chance for input, year and do as much good for is by all means a dick move. Charlie Hockett is a contributor to the the U of O while he could. Well, Whats more, alerting the U of Oregon Commentator and is quite the authority on dicks. 2424 BEST RESUME FILLER
Best OCCUPY Resume Filler EUGENE It is my pleasure to present the to ironically represent the ranks of us, and that only through coop- award for “Best Resume Filler,” to the useless. They saw a country eration can we properly navigate the Eugene Occupy Movement. wracked by poor leadership and these rapidly changing times. We When I first walked past the brigade irresponsibility, so they packed up utilize the sort of transparency we of bold Eugene occupy protesters, their finest tents, sign poles, travel expect from our government.” I was filled with such admiration bongs and shit digging shovels, The term “hope” might be thrown and contact-passion that I thought and hit the grass. They spent the around a little too much, but I I must have stepped through a por- next few months proving to the would say in terms of implementa- tal to Wall Street. A place where world that if we don’t all get jobs tion, we can all agree that they did fresh young faces protested a bro- really soon, we might eventually an A+ job. As long as their hope ken system, tirelessly and boldly. be living in a park without plumb- was for the demoralized American Then, the haze of human filth ing, growing caveman beards and to say, “Well fuck, at least I’m not cleared, and I quickly realized this watching fully grown men beat spending my time carrying around was a different sort of scene, and each other to death (Seriously... signs and getting kicked off of col- the source of that contact-high I’d that happened). lege campuses for inappropriate been feeling was just a man living The mission statement on the behavior and harassment.” in a port-a-potty nearby, smoking official Occupy Eugene website So congratulations, you bold some PCP. reads, “by placing our bodies in bastards. Sure, the city govern- No, this was not Manhattan. public space, we have given hope ment deemed your movement This was something even more to demoralized Americans who unsafe and forced you to clear evolved. In true Oregonian fash- have lost their faith in our govern- out early, but don’t let that get you ion, this movement had stepped ing institutions. We recognize that down. Maybe this backwards city outside the mainstream, choosing our isolated efforts have divided just isn’t ready for your no-non- sense approach to...whatever the fuck you were supposed to be do- ing. Walk home tall friends. And by “home,” I assume that refers to a different city park you inhabit.
William Beare is a contributor to the Oregon Commentator and no, he can not spare any fucking change. 2525 LEAST FUCKS GIVEN
Least Dancer Guy Fucks (Joe Bell) Biggest Given Failure Joe Bell is a senior at the UO and does not give a fuck. He is ma- joring in Marketing and Japanese. Hailing from Portland, his parents are actually first generation immi- grants from the Netherlands. He is part of the competitive dance team called King’s Krew, “a fast- paced, high-energy dance compa- parking lot, but that became a little himself out there for the love of ny that encompasses many forms sketchy and dangerous, he said. “I dance and the freedom he feels it of dance including hip-hop, break like to practice in front of my reflec- gives him. Way to not give a flyin’, dancing, modern, street jazz and tion, so wherever I can find one, I’ll dancin’ fuck. contemporary jazz,” according to practice there.” their website. Joe can be seen workin’ it in Joe and the King’s Krew can be front of framed paintings in the seen performing around campus, EMU or even large windows when Nicholas Ekblad is a contributor to the out there tryna function. He used the sun hits them right. Passersby Oregon Commentator and gives a to practice solo in the Blockbuster and humility be damned, Joe puts fuck about not giving fucks.
ADVERTISEMENT HOT NEW ALBUM FROM CHARLES “DUCK HU$TLE” DENSON $ FEATURING EXCLUSIVE $ TRACKS:
-THAY CAN’T STOP ME (UO Con Court Diss feat. K-Swag Taylord)
-STUCK IN PIRG-ITORY $ -DUCKIN’ BITCHES BITCH IM THA BOSSPIRG 2626 BIGGEST FAILURE
ASUO VICE PRESIDENT Biggest Katie Failure Taylor
While the simple fact that she for ASUO President, helming Lange attempted to censure is the spouse of Charles Denson a campaign that ended in a (mandate the release of an of- already thrusts her far beyond way that the phrase “crash and ficial apology from) Katie. While our qualifications for being this burn” could never come close the motion to censure did not year’s biggest failure, ASUO VP to encompassing. Katie and her pass, the forever-cold-and-aloof Katie Taylor has so many oth- running mate were removed Katie began to cry. Through her er “shortcomings” to point out. from the ballot after members tears she said, “There are a lot Doesn’t anyone read Franklin of her campaign—including be- of things that I’ve done this year Bains’ Editorials? loved Charlie—hacked into the that are really good for campus emails of op- and really good for the ASUO… ponent can- and this is what I’m recognized didates and for…” sabotaged Sorry girl, but yeah. It is. You their cam- have propelled the ASUO—and paign materi- the entire university commu- als. In April, nity— into a new, previously she sat trial unknown dimension of embar- HOT NEW ALBUM FROM (that’s right, rassment and triviality. Here’s literally re- to you, Katie-T—student leader CHARLES “DUCK HU$TLE” DENSON mained seat- ignominy and 4th year PPPM ed the whole major. Please, take Charles and Celebrity couple name: Tayson? Chatie Deylor? Fuck, I dunno. time) while just graduate already. Go far, poor ASUO far away and never return. But Last November, when her Prez Beckystein stood in front before you do, we’d like to say marriage was still secret, Katie of the Constitution Court facing congratulations. For you are— gave the alarmingly interest- potential removal from office unanimously—2012’s Biggest conflicting, tie-breaking vote on and defending himself against Failure! a motion to increase the ACFC allegations of money launder- budget by 7.02 percent—a bud- ing that was carried out, not by get that increased funds for OS- him, but by the Denson house- PIRG, which at the time, was hold. chaired by hubby Denson. Come During a senate meeting Rebecca O’Neill is a contributor to the March, she had the nerve to run in May, ASUO Senator Kaitlyn Oregon Commentator and actually reads Franklin Bains’ editorials.
2727 MAN OF THE YEAR Richard Manof the The Janitor Woman Year did one day, and found out he’s an do NOT have room to fuck around incredibly nice guy with some awe- with your responsibility. This is a Year some stories. Why is Richard our university, which means your job man of the year? Because he is the exists so that the STUDENTS can model for how things should get learn. Remember your priorities. done around here. Despite having Anyway, Richard fucking kicks to clean up after a bunch of shitty ass. Next time you see him, or college students who don’t know any of the great custodial workers how to take care of their messes around campus, give him a high or respect public space, he doesn’t five, thank him for the job he does, get bitter with us. Instead, he does and know that if you fuck with his job every day, like a boss, and him, the Oregon Commentator will he still has it in him to shoot the strangle a kitten in front of you. breeze with a few of the assholes that write a shitty magazine. From athletic spending bullshit, to firing our president bullshit, to faculty unionization bullshit to bullshit ASUO bullshit, how are these highly educated, well-re- spected individuals fucking up so badly? They’re trusted with millions Richard is so stuffed with badass filling of OUR dollars with the one expec- that he has to wear two shirts. tation that they do their fucking jobs to create a well-functioning re- This is Richard. He’s a ba- search and learning institution. And dass motherfucker. He’s a custo- somehow they shit all over that. dian at the EMU, meaning he has But I take solace in the fact that to come in every day to clean the men like Richard are employed at Commentator office, a task more the UO. He doesn’t get paid ab- frightening than giving a sponge surd amounts of money even when bath to a hungry grizzly bear. He tuition is being hiked up over our keeps our Memorial Union looking heads and he doesn’t have the classy and he stops by the office to prestige or power that comes with chat it up with us in the afternoon. managing a university. He cleans Willie ain’t got nothing on Richard’s If you’ve walked through the EMU up shit and mops floors, AND HE sweeping skills. at all this year, you’ve seen him. STILL DOES HIS JOB BETTER He’s the guy with the glasses, the THAN ANY OF THESE FUCKERS. Ethan Bendua is a contributor to the awesome mustache and the big Take a note administration; you’re Oregon Commentator and once had ol’ smile on his face. Chances are getting big money to do a tough an erotic experience with a propane buf- you’ve never bothered to say hi. I job, that’s understandable, but you fer. 2828 WOMAN OF THE YEAR Carolyn Womanof the Maloney actually some real women who are ciled in some time for ladies to chit Year doing real good shit. One of these chat in a later hearing, but that was lovely ladies is someone who be- pretty much just a lame excuse for lieves that women should not have old men to cover their asses, as far It hasn’t been such an easy year to put up with the invasive legisla- as I can tell anyways. for women. Whitney Houston died. tion being hurled out of Capitol Hill Ever since, Maloney has amped We got the government all up in about birth control and ultrasounds, up the charge to get people to be our vaginas. We gotta pay bills. that you shouldn’t have to pay for nicer to women, damn it. She’s We gotta look pretty, and smell birth control, and that you should fighting for birth control, obvious- nice, and shave our legs, and listen make JUST AS MUCH money as ly, but this goes beyond just birth to your bullshit problems, and hide men do. Can you believe it? This control. She’s steadily ripping out the constant paranoia that we are gem, a representative of the won- the hearts of every man who even noticeably sweaty, and pretend like derful state of New York, goes by bats an eyelash at a bill that places we’re not scared shitless to walk Maloney... more restrictions on abortion, fam- alone at night. But we do it. We Carolyn Maloney. ily planning services, and health do it all with a big fucking gleam- Mrs. Maloney attended the now- care. In case that wasn’t enough, ing smile. Because we know that notorious birth control debates she sponsored a bill that would at the end of the day, there’s no that happened a few months ago, mandate that employers prove that denying that women run the world. where – oops! – organizers (stupid pay differences between men and Even Beyonce said so, and that men) forgot to invite women to sit women with the same job title have fabulous bitch has it all. on the panel. Furthermore, they different salaries because of fac- Sure, there are exceptions. screwed the only female witnesses tors other than gender. Because, The KKK (the Kar- in case you didn’t know, right now, dash Klan). Snooki. in 2012, women only make 77 Somehow there’s cents to a man’s dollar. The Pay- a show (several check Fairness Act is a wonder- shows… good god) ful idea, just one of many to come about old hags from Maloney’s desire to help us who don’t seem to out. She even wants to help have anything bet- pregnant ladies AND their spouses ter to do except call get better maternity benefits from themselves “House- employers! DAMN. She just can’t wives,” a title which get enough of helping people. She (in their minds) gives deserves both a pat on the back them an excuse and free condoms for life. to buy plas- A woman using her forearm in ways this man is not happy about. tic boobs and throw vodka on one another while out of testifying on a technicality. screaming about how slutty each Maloney was the one who stood up Natalie Humphrey is a contributor other are. While there have been and said, “Where the fuck are the to the Oregon Commentator and far too many stupid bitches reppin’ women?” (Emphasis and profanity disaproves of the childish font used for Team Twat in the media, there are mine). Apparently this debate pen- this title.
2929 SPEW
OC Reacts to what people are saying Spew... On Word Choice
“Being a female identified person in American soci- Black & Gay ety...”
(Naduah Wheeler, The Siren, Spring 2012) Just say girl or woman, please. You know those ARE politi- cally correct terms.
“I love how my environmental journalism class Skyped with the winner of the National Outdoor Book Award and got me an agent’s “in” to go write about bananas and Sri Lankan elephants on an is- land.”
What? (Austin Diamond in a letter to the editor of Cover of the Oregon Daily Emerald, June 6, 2011. Intro- the Oregon Daily Emerald, June 8, 2012). Seriously, duces Wiz Khalifa’s brand new single. what?
“10 Things You Will Miss About College... #3. Late-night Dough Co. deliveries - It takes forever but man is it delicious.”
What Diana Higgins meant to say was, “Being high.” (Oregon Daily Emerald Graduation Issue, Spring 2012).
On Frontin’
“Oregon Commentator can’t even step to Gingerbeard, but they tryin’.”
Our low ranking on the Respectrum (Oregon Voice, Love Issue 2012). We don’t see how mentioning an article is trying to “step to” him. We give props to G-Beard for doing his thang, but if the OV wants to have a “Which Campus Publication Can Grow the Better Beard” competition, by all means, make our day.
30 SPEW
On the Pioneer Mother
Our hip friends at the Oregon Voice recently did a profile of the Pio- neer Mother statue on campus (Spring, 2012), but us Commentators have been partying with her for (staff) generations, before it was cool.
RIGHT: Actual photo from the Commentator archives.
On Hypocracy
“god bless steel reserve and smoking cigarettes again; fuck acceptable style”
(The Student Insurgent, April 2012) Praising God? Brand loyalty to corporations? Addiction that supports a notoriously unethical industry? How does the Student Insurgent live with their hypocracy? Also, drinking and smoking in college? Yeah, that’s against what’s socially acceptable, edgy bro.
On Bold Assumptions
“So where do English majors go after college?....‘We’ve had stu- dents build careers in teaching, business, law, journalism, admin- istration and the sciences, to name a few.’”
Dash Paulsen and Wiliam Rossi, respectively, for the Oregon Daily Emerald’s Graduation Issue, Spring 2012. You know they have majors for all of those now?
“Since your commercial informed me that you weren’t in want of my money anymore I have to cut down my consumption...”
Kylie Wray on Dr. Peppers new ad campaign aimed at men (The Siren, Spring 2012). Can’t imagine how upset she was to see Shick Quattro for Women. It’s just unfair!
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