Jewish Traditions of Mourning

ohhj ,ukhp, PRAYERS of LIFE The families of Valley Beth Shalom wish you strength and comfort in the embrace of loved ones, in the support of community, and in the wisdom of your tradition. May God comfort you along with all the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem. JEWISH TRADITIONS OF MOURNING Fear not death, for we are all destined to die. We share it with all who ever lived and all who ever will. Cry for the dead, hide not your TABLE OF CONTENTS grief, do not restrain your mourning. But remember that endless sorrow is worse than death. When the dead are at rest, let their memory rest, and be consoled when a soul departs. Jewish Traditions of Mourning ...................................1-2 —The Wisdom of Ben Sirach Poems and Meditations....................................3-8; 20-24 e , the families of Valley Beth Shalom, extend Afternoon Service - Mincha Service ............17-19-; 25-37 our deepest feelings to you on the loss of your W loved one. We understand that your world has Mourners’ Kaddish .................................................. 39-40 been torn and your faith shaken. At this difficult moment, we offer you this booklet of prayers and reflections. We hope Evening Service - Ma’ariv Service ............... 16-19; 25-37 that these words — ancient and modern — provide wisdom, hope, strength and meaning. Around you stands a synagogue El Malay Rachamim ......................................................41 community of compassion and care. Please call upon us if we can be of help. Havdallah ...................................................................... 43 Additional Readings ................................ 38;40; 42; 44-53 The traditions of Jewish mourning reflect two moral principles: K’vod Ha-met, honoring the deceased, and Nichum Avayleem, comforting the mourner. The careful preparation of the body for burial, the maintenance of the body’s dignity in a closed KEY TO HEBREW TRANSLITERATION casket, the funeral service and the eulogy retelling the story of the individual’s life — all these traditions express our a is pronounced “ah,” as in exalt respect for the deceased. The compassion of friends, family ai is pronounced “eye,” as in Baruch ata Adonai and community at the cemetery and at the home express our ay is pronounced as in pray: Yehay shmay raba desire to share strength and love with the mourner. e is pronounced as in red: Yeladeem i is pronounced as in Boray pri ha-gafen Following the funeral service, the family returns to their ei is pronounced as in May: Ashrei home for “Shiva,” which means “seven.” For seven days (the ch is pronounced gutturally, as in Chanuka day of the funeral counts as the first day, and the seventh day o is pronounced “oh,” as in Yom Kippur concludes in the morning.) the mourners remain at home. u is pronounced “oo,” as in Yom Kippur On the Shabbat, they may attend synagogue service. They i LEADER BEGINS HERE 1 Jewish Tradition of Mourning It Is Never Too Late are to be treated not as hosts but as guests in their own home. Compassionate friends, family and community visit bringing warmth, strength and comfort. A service is held The last word has not been But by opening myself in the home. The purpose of Shiva is to provide a retreat spoken the last sentence to curative forces buried within from the obligations of business and social life, so that the has not been written to hidden energies mourner may move through the feelings of numbness, the final verdict is not in the powers in my interior self. pain and loneliness at home, without having to “make an appearance” or “put on a good face.” Traditionally, mirrors It’s never too late In sickness and in dying, are covered in the house during Shiva so that the mourners to change my mind it is never too late need not worry about how they look to others. All they need my direction Living, I teach do is feel their feelings as they slowly regain a sense of life’s to say “no” to the past Dying, I teach worth and meaning. The Jewish tradition sets out a scheme and “yes” to the future how to face pain and fear of gradual, unrushed transitions in the mourning process. to offer remorse to ask and give forgiveness Others observe me, The balance of the 30-day period from the funeral which children, adults, remains after the conclusion of Shiva is a period called It is never too late students of life and death “Shlosheem” “thirty.” Although the mourner returns to work to start all over again Learn from my bearing, after the end of Shiva, he or she should not participate in to feel again my posture, celebrations and other festive events for the duration of to love again my philosophy. Shlosheem. Shlosheem provides psychological room for to hope again the mourner’s continuing feelings of loss and grief. For It is never too late— those mourning a spouse, a brother or sister, or a child, the Mourners’ Kaddish is recited at the burial service, during It is never too late Some word of mine, Shiva, and during Shlosheem. For those mourning a parent, to overcome despair some touch, Kaddish is recited for 11 months following the death. Kaddish to turn sorrow into resolve some caress may be remembered must be recited in the presence of a minyan — a quorum and pain into purpose Some gesture may play a role of ten Jews — as a way of bringing the mourner back into beyond the last contact with the community. It is never too late movement of my head and hand. to alter my world not by magic incantations Write it on my epitaph These customs represent the accumulated wisdom of the Jewish tradition. They provide light in the darkness of the or manipulations of the cards or that my loved ones be consoled mourner’s world and a way for friends and family to help deciphering the stars It is never too late. bring the mourner home from the graveside back to the —Rabbi Harold M. Schulweis world of meaning and joy. 2 3 Holding On and Letting Go Help Me Pray Hold on and let go— Lord of the Universe, Master of Prayer, On the surface of things, contradictory counsel. But one does not negate the other. Open Your lips within me, for I cannot speak. The two are complementary, two sides of one coin. Send me words to help me shape Your praise, Hold on — for death is not the final word. The grave is not To bring peace and blessing to my days. oblivion. Hold on — kaddish, yahrzeit, yizkor. No gesture, no kindness, no smile evaporates. Every embrace has an afterlife Too often the world has stifled In our minds, our hearts, our hands. All words of blessing within me. Hold on — and let go. Sever the fringes of the tallit and So much has threatened to break my spirit. The knots which bind us to the past. Free the enslaving memory which sells the future Help me, Lord, for I have been so very low, to the past. And You heal the broken in spirit with joy. Free the fetters of memory which turn us passive, listless, resigned. Release us for new life. In Your compassion, in Your boundless love, Give me words of prayer; then accept them from me. Lower the casket, the closure meant To open again the world of new possibilities. Return the dust to the earth, May my words, Your words, be sweet and whole before You Not to bury hope but to resurrect the will to live. As the words of King David, sweet singer of psalms. We who remember are artists, aerialists I am so often weary, empty, dry. On a swinging trapeze Letting go one ring to catch another. In thirst, in hunger, I seek comfort, even joy. Hold on and let go— A subtle duality which endows our life Transform my sorrow, Lord. With meaning, neither denying the past Help me to renew my faith, my hopes, Nor foreclosing the future. As I raise my soul toward You. We are part of the flow of life, The divine process which gives and takes, Open Your lips within me, Lord, creates and retains. That I may speak Your praises. We, too, must give and take, seize hold, and release. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh. —Adopted from Nachman of Bratzlav Blessed be the Name of the Lord. —Rabbi Harold M. Schulweis 4 5 Alone Together The Shiva Candle Is Lit Closer to the grave No one knows my grief, the nearness changes us. Treasures my private memory. Do we think we will live forever? I mourn alone. Speech, acts, gestures that once enraged seem foolish now. The grief is my own. Before the images of shrouds, Of my flesh and bone envies, jealousies, I mourn alone. sworn vindictiveness all shrivel into nonsense. Yet I mourn in the midst of my people, Before the shovel of dirt, In the minyan of mourning the sound of pebbles on the casket, With others who cry and remember the angers and gnawing regrets Their own loss. are strangely petty. How did the Rabbis put it? Alone together, At the end of time, when the Evil Impulse will be slain, An individual in community, people will look at its corpse and wonder Present to each other, that this small hill seemed so hard to climb, We are each other’s comfort. that this impulse as thin as a hair was so difficult to conquer. Alone together Awareness of death may bring courage to live. We are each other’s consolation.

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