ONCE UPON A CRIME – THE CAUTIONARY TALE OF RIDING-HOODIE

By Cheryl Barrett

A SMITH SCRIPT

This script is protected by copyright laws. No performance of this script – IN ANY MEDIA – may be undertaken without payment of the appropriate fee and obtaining a licence. For further information, please contact SMITH SCRIPTS at [email protected] Once Upon A Nursery Crime - The Cautionary Tale of Red Riding-Hoodie

A play for schools and youth theatre by Cheryl Barrett

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CHARACTERS

Reporter: journalist who narrates proceedings Biggbad : a charming well-spoken wolf about town Red Riding-Hoodie: teenage gang leader Miss Muffet: a formidable young barrister Rumple Stiltskin: a grumpy barrister Judge: the Magistrate Clerk: a clerk of the court Usher: the court usher Zak: Red’s friend Spider: Red’s friend Maddy: Red’s friend Dee: Red’s friend Police Constable Nabbim: the arresting officer Grandma Riding-Hoodie: Red’s Grandmother Lady Hortense Tweedy: Lady of the manor Edward Woodman: a forest ranger Jury Member 1: a female juror Jury Member 2: an enthusiastic juror Jury Member 3: foreman of the Jury

Chorus of Jury Members, who can also double as the choir

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Once Upon A Nursery Crime - The Cautionary Tale of Red Riding-Hoodie

SCENE ONE - Once Upon A Nursery Crime

A courtroom. Mid-morning.

The members of the Jury stand to sing

Song 1 Cast chant the verse

Reporter I’m Sam Scribe, the court reporter and I’ve been asked to narrate. I’m actually a freelance journalist. I’ve been writing an article about , I’ve had a fascination with them since I was a child. This is the introduction to the article I’m writing. (Coughs to clear his throat) Once upon a nursery crime, folk lore featured stories about wolves; , , , Mother Goat and her Kids – invariably a appeared in the story. But who wrote these stories? Was the big bad wolf as bad as he was made out to be or are they all biased against him? (slight pause) It looks as though Little Miss Muffet is about to speak. Join me if you will at the trial of one such wolf and his accuser, Red Riding-Hoodie, who has hired a top barrister, Rumple Stiltskin of the Bailey, to conduct her case for the prosecution. Little Miss Muffet is defending the wolf.

Miss Muffet paces up and down then spins round to face Red Riding-Hoodie, who is standing behind a chair in the witness box

Muffet Miss Riding-Hoodie, you have accused my client, Mister Wolf, of threatening behaviour. Red Yeah, that’s right, ‘ees a wrong ‘un, innit. Wolf Oh, I say, character assassination before the facts, your Honour.

Muffet beckons the wolf to calm down

Muffet Miss Riding-Hoodie you brought this prosecution case against my client, Mister Wolf. Red (Defensively) Er, yeah, what if I did? Muffet I put it to you that he is the victim in all of this, not you. My client claims that you and your friends have been stalking him for months. Is this true? Rumple Objection, Your Honour. Judge Objection overruled, answer the question. Red ‘Ees bin givin’ me evils innit! Muffet (Mimics Red) ‘Ees bin givin’ me evils’ is no excuse for mistreating poor dumb animals. Wolf (To Miss Muffet) I object. Now look here counsel, whooooooo are you calling a dumb animal? (Appeals to the jury) Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, do I look dumb to you? I may be a wolf, but I achieved a Bee Ay Deestinction, in Humanities at Oxford. To call me a poor dumb animal is outrageous, degrading - slanderous even. (To Miss Muffet) I’m surprised at you of all people, Miss Muffet. (To Court) Is this really the best brief money can buy?

Muffet beckons the wolf to calm down and throws him a biscuit. He scampers over to her for another treat

Judge Mister Wolf, please control yourself.

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Wolf My sincere apologies, Your Honour.

Wolf returns to his seat

Muffet Your Honour, if I may proceed. Miss Riding-Hoodie and her gang were seen to threaten and throw stones at my client on numerous occasions. Rumple Objection, Your Honour. Muffet Why did you object? Rumple (Grumpily) Because I am an objectionable person. Judge Objection overruled, continue, Miss Muffet. Muffet (To Red) I put it to you that you threatened and assaulted Mister Biggbad Wolf on numerous occasions. Red No, we nevva. Maddy Ooh evva said that is a liar. Spider They don’t know nuffink. Zak We’re not all delinquents. Dee Anyway, everyone knows that wolves eat people, they are wild, innit. Wolf Wild? Well, yes, you did get my dander up. And one does have a breaking point. (Innocently) So there I was Your Honour, cutting a dash as usual – I was wearing my best red silk waistcoat and silver watch chain. In a world of ripped jeans, slouch trousers and hoodies, one has a duty to maintain certain standards. Anyway, there I was, taking my customary preamble through the park when Red and her hoodie friends accosted me. I was utterly terrified by their pack mentality. They barracked me, hounded me, (Dabs at his eye with handkerchief) made me fear for my life – they even kicked my silver-topped walking cane. (To Jury) My Grandfather sold it to me on his deathbed. Juror 1 Poor Wolf, that’s dreadful. They behaved atrociously. Wolf Quite so, Madam. Rumple Objection. The defendant is trying to influence the jury. Clerk Ordah! Ordah! Order in court. Red Can me and my mates order a KFC big bucket deal with extra fries? I ain’t eaten for ages. Wolf (Corrects Red) I haven’t eaten for ages. Red That’s not my fault you’re hungry, you can order your own takeaway. Wolf I was referring to your grammar. Red You keep away from my Grandma. Wolf (To Court) One does ones best… Judge (Bangs gavel and addresses the courtroom) I must ask you all to refrain from commenting on proceedings and having random discussions. Juror 1 Sorry, your worship. Wolf (Blows a kiss to Juror) Thank you for your support, Madam. Judge Miss Muffet, you must remind your client not to address the jury. Muffet (To Judge) Of course, Your Honour. (Gives the wolf a warning look) Members of the jury. You see before you a feral member of society. (Indicates Red) Prowling round the park in a pack, snarling at members of the public and hounding my client, Mr Biggbad Wolf. I have sworn affidavits here that confirm that Mr Biggbad Wolf is a respected pillar of the community. He is Chairman of the Save Our Green Belt forward slash Keep The Pigs Out Society. He is also a vegetarian, has blunt teeth, is the epitome of sartorial elegance and has well-manicured claws. Wolf (Smiles at the Jury) One also has letters after one’s name, Biggbad Wolf Esquire, Bee, Ay (Pause) Dee. Red Yeah but you ain’t the only one cos’ my name is double barrelled AND I got letters after my name as well innit. Red Riding-Hoodie C.B.O.

Red, Spider, Maddy, Dee and Zak stand and rap the following

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All gang We’re Red, Spider, Maddy, Dee and Zak. Don’t bovver us ‘cos we’ll bovver you back. We’ve got a C.B.O. You’re Billy no mates tho. We’ve got a C.B.O. You got naz tho. We’ve got a C.B.O, you get me, bro. Sea for the c and bee for the bee and oh for the oh means C.B.O. C.B.O. C.B.O. You get me bro. Maddy You can’t do better, we got one more letter – Sea and a Bee and a Oh. That’s C.B.O. Zak We got a C.B.O. Spider You got naz though. Dee We got a C.B.O. All gang We got a C.B.O. You got naz tho. Innit. Reporter Don’t bother downloading this from itunes. It’s rap with a capital C. I’m not one to judge a book by it’s cover, but I’ve seen their records, and this lot have all got Civil Injunction and Criminal Behaviour Orders. Clerk Ordah. Ordah. Wolf Could I have a cup of Earl Grey with a slice of lemon, please. Oh, and a couple of custard creams wouldn’t go amiss – I’m ravenous. Rumple (Grouchily) Ordah, ordah means shut up, Wolf features. Clerk Ordah. Ordah in court. Reporter (Looks at pencil) This could well be a long case. I’ll have to sharpen my pencil at this rate. Hey ho, back to the action. Muffet Your honour, members of the jury, I submit that Miss Red Riding-Hoodie is the hoodie leader of the pack and that my client Mr Biggbad Wolf is the victim here. He will be suing for wrongful arrest and defamation of character. (Muffet sits down) Wolf Oh I say! Ding Dong, counsel. (Pause) Ding Dong. Rumple Objection, Your Honour. There is no evidence to suggest that my client is a gang leader. Judge Objection sustained. Red Yeah, but everyone knows that the big bad wolf has got previous, innit. Judge Previous? Elaborate, young lady. Rumple My client is referring to the disappearance of Messers Horace, Boris and Norris Pigg. Muffet Objection, M’lud. There was no evidence to link my client Mister Wolf to the disappearance of Horace, Boris and Norris Pigg. Wolf It was all circumstantial – give a wolf a bad name… Red (Points to Wolf) ‘Ee blew the Pigg’s ‘ouses down and ate them. My friend Spider ‘eard ‘im uffin’ and puffin’ and threatening to blow their ‘ouses down. Judge (Checks notes) Ah yes, here it is. The case of the disappearing Piggs. Wolf Your honour, I had an alibi the day that they went missing. I was in the forest with Edward, the forest ranger, and a group of volunteers. We were moving branches and a couple of trees that had blown down in the previous night’s storm. The Pigg’s poorly built houses were totally inadequate. Shoddy workmanship on a grand scale, if you ask me. Their houses were flattened during the storm. Judge (Checks notes) Yes, there was a storm the night before the Piggs disappeared. Red (Shouts) Rubbish, the Piggs disappeared into his stomach, innit. The wolf ate them. Wolf Might I remind you that I am vegetarian wolf. I do not eat meat. What part of being a vegetarian don’t you get? Red Yeah but, they is pork, innit, not meat. Wolf My goodness, how ill-informed you are. I sincerely hope you’re not representative of today’s youth. Judge (To Red) Young lady, vegetarians do not eat pigs. Red What happened to the Piggs then? Maybe he bashed them over the head with that walking stick and killed them.

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