FALL 2016 Elm City Echo
FALL 2016
1 ELM CITY ECHO
Where Your Dollars Go Elm City Echo
FALL 2016 75% goes directly to the 25% pays for vendors who sell your paper printing costs
Hello Friends of the Echo! You may Mission have noticed that we have increased The Elm City Echo aims to create the price of the Elm City Echo from $1 to $2. We’ve decided that in order economic and expressive opportunities for to better serve our vendors, we want marginalized members of the New Haven to help them increase their profits. community who are experiencing extreme Part of our mission is to provide an entrepreneurial opportunity for un- poverty and homelessness. housed residents of New Haven. They provide a valuable product through Editors: Julia Hamer-Light sharing marginalized voices of New Abigail Schneider Haven, and we want their work to be better rewarded. Now, with each paper sold, vendors Site Leader: Danielle DeNuzio will double their profit from 75 cents to $1.50. When you buy the Elm City Volunteers: Maddy Batt, Sarah Holder, Echo, 75% of the cost will still go di- Joseph Tisch, Marie Freudenburg, rectly to our vendors as both writers Khush Dhaliwal, Talia Schechet, Maddie Logan, and members of New Haven’s mar- Steven Pan, Sarah McAlister ginalized populations. The remaining 25% goes towards printing costs and Designer: Amrutha Dorai stipends for our writers. This is espe- cially important as we try to expand Thank you to our sponsors: our reach through growing both our The Yale Hunger and Homelessness Action Project vending and writing programs. Our The Social Justice Network operating expenses receive additional The Undergraduate Organizations Committee support from donations and fund- DocuPrint and Imaging raising through the Yale Hunger and Homelessness Action Project. If you have any questions or com- ments about the price change, please feel free to email us at: elmcityecho@ gmail.com or check out our website at elmcityecho.com
2 FALL 2016 contents Letter from 4 Why Can’t You See & The Way by Kathryn Untitled by Tina the Editor 5 From Europe to the United States by Maria Dear New Haven, My thoughts on life... by Anonymous 6 Hurt and Pain by Eunice Welcome back to another issue of the Elm Untitled by Patti City Echo. If this is your first time opening an Life After Addiction by Chip issue—welcome. We’re glad you’re here. 7 My Hero by Amy The Elm City Echo is New Haven’s only street Daddy Pink by Lesley periodical. We are a platform for the voices of 8 Life of Struggle by Anonymous New Haven’s homeless. Our volunteers visit Mi Vida by Ysenia shelters in the city each week to help individu- 9 Fixing Hotels by Anonymous als find a story they want to tell. We define story One Track Mind by Brian broadly: a piece of nonfiction, fiction, poetry, 10 Grateful & Thankful by Lissette an opinion piece, or any other form of expres- We the People by Kristi sion. Twice a year, we publish these stories in the 12 I Walk the Streets by Taz Elm City Echo, which our homeless vendors sell Untitled by Lee around New Haven, keeping the majority of the 13 Warring with the Wind by Tina profits for themselves. 14 Story of my Life by Maychris You may have noticed that the Elm City Echo Beginning of my New Life by Maychris now costs $2 rather than $1. Part of our mis- Everday Stress by Scott sion is to create economic opportunities for the 15 Court Run by Jennifer homeless, who are often excluded from more 16 At the Warming Center by Paul traditional sources of income. The price increase A Home is a Home, Homelessness, doubles their profits and allows us to print more Wilted Flowers Need Light, copies for more vendors to sell. We hope you & I didn’t start out like this by Anonymous agree that the jump goes to a good cause. We are 18 New Beginnings by John continually humbled by your loyalty: through Hope by Anonymous your purchases over the past five years, our ven- 19 Friends by Ray dors have made over $10,000. Thank you. The Endless Road by Dylan Soon, the leaves will begin to turn and the 20 Good Bye by Yvonne wind will blow a little harder. In this newest issue, Untitled by Sophie we hope you won’t miss Yvette’s poem “The Oak 21 Survivor by Anonymous Tree.” Maybe read it on a bench while watching Beauty by Jessica the leaves float down. These are beautiful but 22 Untitled by Michelle hard times. As the presidential season reaches Black Poetry & Only You by Sidney a fever pitch, think about Kristi’s call to action 23 Untitled by Glendella in “We the People.” We hope this issue will give This Thing Called Life by Gray you time to reflect on where we are and what we 24 Living Situations & Maureen by Earl can do to bring out the best in ourselves and our 26 Normal Life by Glenda country. 27 Ain’t that Something by Sheila Por mi Vida & Untitled by Elizabeth Thank you again and till winter, 28 God’s Game by Dominic Abigail Schneider & Julia Hamer-Light 29 Life of Trauma by Maria Editors-in-Chief The Oak Tree by Yvette 30 The Wonderful World of Colors! by Yvonne
3 ELM CITY ECHO
Why Can’t You See by Kathryn
I miss you, I want you, I need you close to me I love you I care boo why can’t you see
I remember when we first fell in love It was like heaven sent I remember I looked in your eyes It’s like my heart dropped right by my side I remember the walks in the park it was so perfect to me
I miss you, I want you, I need you close to me I love you I care boo why can’t you see
We laughed, we joked, we played around, We cried together, we slept together, we told each other stories, Untitled We shopped together, we ate together, we watched movies by Tina I miss you I want you I need you close to me I love you I care boo why can’t you see I met Robert D. at the Co- lumbus House. I really didn’t want a man, in my life. It took me a while to tell him, that I don’t want him to be in my The Way life. Why I don’t want a man in my life is that they want by Kathryn sex. That all they want is sex, mean that don’t mean you no The way I see and feel about you is key to me good. In my heart it feels like a shining star Robert D wanted to go Like the Lord awakens me with me, but he is married The good things I see in you and has a child. I said that we The good things you see in me could be friends so now we’re No one else can see friends. I got the Lord Jesus And I know the struggle on my mind, my Lord Jesus That lives inside of you help me all the ways, and the That’s why you got me Lord Jesus who help me, That’s why I got you And don’t worry Thank you, About a thing Tina Smith Because I’m not going anywhere. Ernestine Smith
4 FALL 2016 From Europe to the United States by Maria
And I was a believer in my life My husband, nice guy. and I was in this place. It’s re- Whatever I say, he does it. ally new for me. I’ve been in a We’be been married 25 years. lot of pain. It’s a happy marriage. Just Forty-seven years in the right now, we are having a dif- United States. I came here ficult time, in this place. I love when I was seventeen years my husband very much and old. In 1972. Because of my he loves me. husband. He’s passed away We met in the restaurant now. My first husband. We 25 years ago. Soon we got both came here and we start- married. The restaurant was ed a family. We have three Olive Garden Italian Restau- children. Two boys and one rant. In the United States. I girl. And he has been de- love America very much. I am ceased now for a long time. Italian but I love the United Next week my case man- States. ager will come and I hope he We don’t have any children gives me a good report and but I’m expecting one. I feel good news. That he finds me happy about it. I can’t wait some place we could go, me until when it’s born. I’d like to and my husband. give my baby the name of my I pray to God each day I brother-in-law, Lincoln. find something like a house or apartment for my husband and me.
My thoughts on life... by Anonymous Life is what you make of it. In life, we all need two people. The first is our life partner, and the second is our best friend. In life, we all have a reason to be here. What we do in life is what we make of it. For me, I need to make it right in life. Some people are here on earth to help others; some people are here on earth just to help themselves. What is the reason you are here on earth? I am here to make a difference. In life, you do good, and good will happen to you. In life, we all go down roads that we might not like, but the roads that we go down are meant for us to learn from. What does life mean to you?
5 ELM CITY ECHO Hurt Daddy Pink and Pain by Lesley When my sister Robyn called and said that Daddy by Eunice Pink is gone. I told her that I was happy and sad at the same time. I was HAPPY because I knew he was not I live in pain and hurt. suffering anymore, and I knew without a doubt that You treat me like garbage he was in the Kingdom of Heaven. I was SAD because And dirt. I will miss him very DEARLY. So I will treasure all of Once upon a time the fun memories of a father and grandfather. I re- My love for you member when my sisters and I were younger, we used Was strong and alive. to wait for my granddaddy to fall asleep in his recliner Now it’s not… and we would take the top of his hair and braid it up, It has died. then we would take a hair roller and roll the braid up. All you do is get high off And when he woke up he would be fussing. One time my pain. we got the roller caught in his hair so bad they had to The way people get high cut the roller out. Off of dust or cocaine. I will remember him coming home from the If and when my pain railroad and bringing us those big Archway lemon Gives you pleasure cookies. He would also take us to the store and let us I won’t do it again. get whatever we wanted. My favorite was when he This love is a disaster took us horseback riding. He would grab all three of us You’re draining my energy and put one of us on one thigh and one on the other, Like water running out of a and then he would start shaking his leg and singing in Drain, and a water fall flowing. that deep beautiful voice (We will be coming around mountain the way we come pow pow! etc.) He spoiled us rotten. I also remember seeing him dance at my Aunt Tootsie’s wedding and at his 75th birthday party. Boy, could he shake a leg. He truly was a family man and he loved being a grandfather. Daddy Pink was my father, my grandfather, my teacher, my preacher, my scolder, and my molder. His legacy will live on forever, and I will cherish and love him forever. I will say the same thing that Jesus is saying to him right now: Untitled job well done daddy pink / job well done well done my good and faithful servant. by Patti A loss of a grand parent and the sweetness of mem- ories. Love is a many splendid thing. The love I have for life Is just like the love on a beautiful spring day With grass growing and flowers blooming in the afternoon sun Or a colorful piece of fruit on a honey bun. But most of all it is the love that comes in the fall off the wall indeed.
6 FALL 2016 My Hero by Amy Life After My son, AJ, is my inspiration in life. A text Addiction waits on my phone every morning from him telling me that he loves me. There is a text from him when I go to bed every night that by Chip tells me that he is proud of me, is there for As of this writing, I have me, and doesn’t want me to give up. I saw him finished the Small Business applying to jobs at the age of 16. Working at Academy of New Haven, and Subway, Staples, Olympia Sports. He saved I am currently at Gateway for money from working and bought his own car. A+ certification. My aim is to And now he is going off to college in the fall. be certified in network secu- He is inspiring me to push myself more than I rity—it’s my life, it’s all I have. ever have before. I can’t believe that I am 55 I call AJ my worry-bug because he is always years old and am now doing worrying about me. I constantly tell him to let the things of a twenty-year- me worry about me—he should be busy be- old. I’m working towards a fu- ing a kid. But he doesn’t listen; when I am at ture and being a father to my a warming center each night, he texts to make kids (even though they are not sure I am safe. He makes that his top priority. kids anymore). But the moth- But AJ doesn’t just look out for me. His car- ers of my kids still see me as a ing and sweet personality touches everyone loser, deadbeat dad. he is around. When my son was in elementary I have a 17-year-old son school, there was a boy in his class that was who questions if I am his fa- mentally challenged. That boy would always ther or just a guy who made grab my son roughly and my son never mind- him. Of course that hurts, ed or called him out about it. One day, that believe me … this is not who I boy’s mother came up to me and thanked me. wanted to be, but any excuse She said that AJ looked at her son as if her son right now could be B.S. I can’t were one of the other boys and when AJ was say anything, but the words around his ‘cool’ friends he never acted mean hurt so deeply. What can I to her son. She said I was raising a good young say? “You don’t understand man and it really meant a lot to me. I realized addiction.” No, they don’t right then and there what kind of person AJ understand and there aren’t was growing up into. any words that will make I can honestly say that AJ is the reason that I them understand my life, my get up every day. He lives with his father now, choices. Am I living life or just but he shows me all of the time that I am with a period of calm before the him in his heart, so that makes things much storm—again? I need to live, I easier. He always makes it a point to tell me want to live, but how to live is how proud he is of me, how much he is there the question? for me, and how much he loves me. At the end of this, I just want to thank my son for being there for me. I want him to know that I am here in this world because of him. And I want him to know that I love him.
7 ELM CITY ECHO Life of Struggle by Anonymous Life is a struggle. Life is strug- child; he passed away in my gling with family and strug- arms. I couldn’t get help and gling to grow up to be inde- everything went haywire. I pendent and self-minded. lost my brother and that was Life is struggling even when the killer. He passed away at family members think you the age of 35. He was my best are nothing. friend. Then I lost my dad. He You have to prove that you was my rock. He was my fa- are better. You have to learn ther, friend, and the person I to be independent on your would always talk to. own without anyone else tell- My mother is still living. I ing you what to do. You have am trying to mend my rela- Mi Vida to get used to being the black tionship with her because I sheep of the family, used to feel a lot of guilt over our bro- by Ysenia feeling like you are nothing. ken relationship. Fortunately, Hola mi nombre es Ysenia A life of struggle caused things are getting better. In Nuñez. Les voy hablar de mi me to do the things I have addition to working on my vida un poco. Soy una madre done. Cocaine. Alcohol. Pills. relationship with my mother, soltera. No tengo familia aquí But through it all, I have al- I am also getting help for my en los Estados Unidos. Toda ways tried to make a better anger and alcohol problems. mi familia esta en Puerto life for myself. I tried going to I see doctors all of the Rico. Tengo 2 hijos barones. school, but I had to quit when time—several times each Tengo un niño de 12 años y I had kids so I could get a job. I week—and I am going for- otro niño de 6 años. Mi mama moved to Virginia so I could be ward with my life. Fellowship tiene mi hijo de 12 años y a better person for my family Place and an intensive out- mi otro hijo de 6 añitos. Lo and for myself. I never stopped patient program have done tienen su papa aquí en CT, trying to make a better life for a great job helping me; the Hamden. Nadie de mi familia myself, even though my life group therapy part of pro- me habla. Mis 2 hermanos no has been a life of struggle. grams is especially helpful. me hablan porque soy les- When I was living in Vir- I feel better about myself biana. Eso me duele mucho ginia, my wife got sick and today; this is me. This isn’t estado en la calle desde que moved back to New Haven. anyone else. I respect the tenia 12 añitos. Sola luchando For a while, I stayed in Virgin- people on the streets; I re- sola ahora soy madre soltera ia; I had an excellent job and spect myself on the street. y estoy luchando por mi vida she didn’t want me in New Ha- I am on the street but I am para mejorar mi vida y olvi- ven with her. But then I woke moving forward. dar el pasado. up one day, sold everything I I hope to keep moving owned, left my job, and moved forward, even though I have back to New Haven so I could lived a life of struggle. I feel be with my kids. I wanted to that only prayer can help us, be a positive role model for a higher power, whatever you them. I wasn’t going to be able want to call it. God is so good. to do that in Virginia. And I just want to say, keep But my life of struggle your hope up, keep God up, caught up with me. I lost my and keep focused.
8 FALL 2016
Fixing Hotels by Anonymous
A while ago, I was was a perfect way for was staying, and for company for Fair- working for a guy in me to stay warm at some reason I told field Inn hotels vis- Morristown, New Jer- night. Even though I her. Normally I keep ited and offered me a sey. I installed hard- volunteered there of- my personal life a job. I gladly accepted wood floors with him ten, they didn’t know secret, but this time the offer and it wasn’t during the days, and I where I was living— I didn’t. Not wanting long before they of- lived with him during they didn’t know I me to be homeless, fered me a better job the nights. But things was living in an aban- she paid for me to in the Midwest. God weren’t very fair—I doned factory house. live in a motel—for works in mysterious was paying rent to But then God nine whole months. and wonderful ways. live with him but he started working in And one day when I I fixed hotels, and hasn’t paying me any my life. First, a gener- was volunteering at that fixed my life. salary for installing ous Christian woman the Salvation Army, his hardwood floors. asked me where I a hotel liquidation After I told someone about the situation, we agreed that I need- ed to leave that job and find a new place to live. I was headed One Track Mind to the nearby train station in order to go somewhere new, but by Brian I caught sight of an One track mind abandoned factory Thinking back to a time house behind a fence. When I haven’t already lost my mind Since I am someone who takes chances, When I had a purpose and did things because it was worth it I threw my bag over Running through life feeling worthless the fence and went to All the obstacles and hurdles live in the abandoned The bad tastes that can’t be gurgled house. Since I no longer Pain and struggles while maneuvering away from being murdered had a job, I volun- Unsure whether I could make it any further teered at the Salva- Everything ain’t always rainbows and sherbet tion Army. Although Been hustlin’ since Gerber they weren’t able to pay me, they would They say you should follow the straight and narrow give me some of the Make Dinero things that people Split ‘em to the marrow donated to them. One time, they gave on a one track mind be careful. me this very nice sleeping bag, which
9 ELM CITY ECHO
We the People
Now on to the subject of taking food and clothes to homelessness: it is pathetic places where the homeless that this country has so many are. Sounds and appears like bouncing through the shel- they are “helping the home- ter system, especially when less” right? Well here is the many of them are veterans real scenario: businesses ex- who have served this coun- ploit the misfortunate by try. Many of them are very bringing a camera crew down educated and are homeless to a shelter and getting pic- due to the downsizing of cor- tures “helping the homeless,” porate America, yet another which is nine times out of ten gift to this country given to us nothing more than a mar- from that all too familiar foe: keting strategy. Also keep in greed-infested capitalism. I mind that they get tax breaks personally know a married for “helping the homeless.” couple who is homeless in At- What would truly “help” the lanta. Both have master’s de- homeless is to give them an grees, but due to downsizing income so that they can feed Grateful he lost his six figure income. and clothe themselves, and, Shortly after he lost his job, most importantly, acquire a by Lissette she got cancer and lost her roof over their own heads. It six figure income because of is a totally ignorant assump- I would like to thank her illness. We all know that tion that homeless people are Dr. Philip Costello cancer treatment is outra- homeless due to drug addic- and social worker geously priced, so they ended tion or circumstances of their Diana Desmornes up losing all of their savings own doing. for taking their time and their home. They now Now watch this: A home- from their busy bounce through the shelter less individual that just got schedules to pro- system and homeless “urban done being “helped” by be- vide us with service, camping” sites in Atlanta. The ing a part of their market- whether here at Fel- first thing most would say to a ing strategy of being fed lowship, or at Sunrise homeless person is “McDon- and clothed at a shelter on a Café, or at Colum- alds is always hiring.” How weekend sees on Monday that bus House, or at Park do you tell someone who you their company is hiring. That Street Church. Thank don’t know to take a job way homeless individual thinks you Doctor and So- beneath their education and under false assumptions that cial Worker. We are qualifications? That is clas- the company cares about the very grateful for your sism at its finest. Corporate betterment of mankind, so service. America and even its smaller this individual goes with his businesses are always will- very professionally done re- ing to get some good PR by sume in hand to apply for the
10 FALL 2016 by Kristi position that he is more than based on gender, race, sexual qualified for. Upon arrival, he orientation, or religion, yet is treated as less than human nothing is said about pres- and then told they are not ent economic or living situ- hiring for the position that ations. It needs to be written they saw online. They take into law that an employer the resume and say if any- can’t discriminate against thing comes up they will let employing anyone homeless Thankful them know, but the resume for any position that they are gets trashed as soon as the qualified for. The banks need by Lissette person walks out the door. to get tax breaks for working Two days later at the library, with those who have been in a I would like to take the person sees the open po- homeless situation for a while the time to say thank sition still online. What they to get them into their many you to Roni, Bailey, should have told that per- foreclosed homes with rea- Nick, and Samantha son is: “We don’t hire home- sonable interest rates that can for running the Fel- less people for anything that help them build their credit lowship program. will really help them help up again and get them a sense The reason I am say- themselves, but we can go of self back by them being a ing thank you is that get tax breaks and good PR homeowner. If “we the peo- because of the Fel- for ‘helping the homeless.’” ple” start standing up for our lowship program I This scenario happens all too fellow “people” and not allow have somewhere to often, leaving people with society to dictate who is who, go in the morning, feelings of hopelessness that that right there would be and I don’t have to honestly turns civilians into helpful to ending homeless- be out in the cold or criminals on occasion. What ness. in the bad weather. Congress needs to do about Get active. Here is a link Thank you guys. this situation is stop giving that gives you each state’s the tax write offs to busi- Congress members: http:// nesses who donate things www.congressmerge.com/ without at least hiring a cer- onlinedb/ Please I urge all tain quota of homeless indi- who reads this, contact your viduals. Also they should get Congress and let them know tax breaks and incentives for that “we the people” need offering job training for high change and to stop this de- salary positions to the home- bate, because “we the people” less that have gotten them- are not that ignorant. Let’s selves into a home. Also, as bring about our real free- you read on applications doms and level out a playing and such, the equal opportu- field where we all who were nity act states that it is illegal created equal can be treated to be discriminated against as equal.
11 ELM CITY ECHO
I Walk the Streets by Taz Untitled I walk the streets, day and night Trying to move a beat by Lee Trying to stand on my own two feet Trying to keep it real… I was born down in Long Is- land, and I’m the son of a I walk the streets, day and night truck driver. My father died People around me in ‘73. Myself and my fam- Think they can fight ily moved up north to Con- I stand tall in all my decisions necticut. My mom worked to Whether they’re right or wrong support us. There are eight of us siblings. We didn’t have I walk the streets, day and night much, but we had each other. People try to put me in a situation to fight We were brought up in the Knowing they’re wrong church. And yes, I’m right My mom worked two jobs to support us. As a teenager, I know it takes a real man to walk away I had become a bad person But people have no respect for the next man to walk away in school. The drug scene, People have no respect for the next man something I wasn’t very They push and test proud of, turned life into go- ‘Till there’s only one thing left— ing to jail or not, and most That’s to stand tall and stay strong of my teens were spent in prison. Mom got cancer, but Put them in their place she beat it. Now she has Al- Before I hit them in the face zheimer’s. We’re dealing with Go back to a place that a lot. I’m going through So old homelessness, but I know So cold God’s gonna see me through A place where you lose all faith it. One day soon I’ll receive I stay strong housing and the people that helped me get this far, I know I walk the streets, day and night God will bless them all. I be- I am strong lieve that God will bless each And I stand tall and every one of them, and I keep in my mind that misery loves company all the homeless people to re- ceive housing, and I hope I’m I walk the streets, day and night here to see a lot of my friends Keeping it real, all day, all night. receive housing. I thank God for my life and my strength.
12 FALL 2016
Warring with the Wind by Tina
I was born and raised in Electric for sixteen years, un- twenty years ago; she was the Stamford and grew up living til I broke my back in 2003 sister-in-law of an old friend. with my mother, father, two and lost my job. When the I’ve since lost touch with that brothers, and grandmother. doctor who treated my back friend, but Dawn and I are still My childhood was happy was arrested, I was suddenly close. Sometimes she visits and innocent. I remember taken off painkillers, and no me in New Haven, and some- camping with my parents and doctor or health professional times I take the train to see brothers in Preston, Connect- would help me. No one would her in Stamford. Melissa lives icut on weekends. My parents talk to me. down the street and I see her had a trailer that stayed there I didn’t have a sense of self- more often. We have similar year-round. I didn’t know worth for so many years, but I life stories—we both lost our that my father was a prescrip- have self-worth today. I tried parents at a young age—and tion drug addict and an al- to commit suicide a couple we’re good support for one coholic; all that was hidden months ago and was admit- another. I also like to listen to from me as a child. My mom ted to the Yale Psychiatric audiobooks, especially to ro- died suddenly in 1995 when Hospital. From there I went mance stories. Nora Roberts I was nineteen years old. My to the Intensive Outpatient and Sandra Brown are my fa- grandmother passed away Program on George St., and it vorite authors, and right now soon after that, and my dad was the first place that really I’m listening to a collection of died in 2005. The death of made an impact. IOP and go- stories by Sandra Brown. my family members (by heart ing to church—that’s working I spend a lot of my time attacks and cancer) changed for me. The social workers these days waiting to hear my life. I’ve been matched with have back from housing programs. My dad moved out with also helped restore my self- I’ve spent five months at Mar- my brothers after my mom esteem. tha’s Place and my last term died. My aunt wanted us out I feel like I’ve been a child, ends April 18, so I’m looking of my grandmother’s house an adult, and nothing in be- for a new place to live. If I’m because she wanted to move tween. I feel like I’ve been not accepted by a housing in. I came home one day, and beat down emotionally and program, I’ll have to find an- my suitcase was on the steps. now I’m trying to pick myself other homeless shelter. Even That was it. up. Depression and loneliness though the wind howls and After I left my mother’s try to drown me, but I have roars, trying to defeat me, I’m house, I moved in with a guy two amazing best friends to a wind warrior, and I won’t be and ended up all over the lean on: Melissa and Dawn. beat. place. I worked at General I was introduced to Dawn
13 ELM CITY ECHO Story of my Life by Maychris My name is Maychris. I’m 50 years old, I have lived in New Haven, CT all my life. I have two sisters and two brothers. My mother has taken sick. She’s in an old Everyday Stress folks home. My mother was a great mom. She always had food on our table and clothes on by Scott our back. She would send us to school with me and my sister’s hair done, my brother’s hair The crunch of the snow at my feet cut. I’m depressed for her taking sick but life The nasty feeling of the clothes that goes on. I have had on for days I have been homeless for some time now. The thoughts racing somewhere between I’m looking for housing. I had gotten saved Worry and anger and am trying to live a better life with God. The cigarette burning quick Things seems so hard out here trying to live a Wondering how to hustle a dollar clean life. But I’m not going to give up, life has To get two more just begun for me. So I’m just going to keep on pushing to better myself. Blood boiling Hands freezing The sting of the wind on my face
Beginning of my Looking at the time It’s 2:15 New Life Still have 3 hours before dinner Stomach growls at the thought of it by Maychris Wander into Burger King Try to stay hidden Today my life is much better. By me giving Once discovered then I’ll my life to Christ and rejoining my Church on Have to go Sunday. I have a lot of joy in my heart knowing that Oh, too late, here she comes I’m safe not out in the streets, living in the Co- “Yes, ma’am, I’ll be gone” lumbus house and meeting new people. My As I slam the door on the way out family is talking to me more, I go and see my Shake my head and keep moving mother more and it’s just great so now I’m just Off to nowhere working on myself, trying to stay clean and do better things with my life. I can see and feel that God is going to work out everything for me. I thank God today. For me to walk back into the Church is be- cause I have had enough of doing drugs and living from house to house, living with people and in the streets. I felt like my life had to turn around for the better so I turned to Christ. God has been doing things for me and I feel great.
14 FALL 2016
Court Run by Jennifer
It starts about five days before The burning, churning feeling in my stomach I can’t ignore.
I lay out my best uniform, My hair will be in place. I can’t let them see my tear stained face. With a little cold water and makeup, it’s done. I’m gearin’ up for another COURT RUN.
The buzzer goes off—you wake us at three, A cold court breakfast—handcuffs and shackles for me.
I pray for courage and strength and no more tears. I feel my insides trembling with fears. The bus is cold. The girls are loud. The tension is building—it’s in the air. In all the confusion I wonder if the judge could Possibly be fair.
The Marshals are here to take us to court. My defenses are strong as a fort. Showing the world I still have dreams, No matter how crazy you think it all seems. Praying and hoping to hear “You are free!” What’s this? OH NO they’re shackling me!
One more trip to Niantic. I go. It’s hurry up now—time for another strip show. I get back to my cell as fast as I can. My roommate is waiting with soup and coffee in hand. As I drop to my knees, to thank the man above, I’m grateful to my bunky for showing me kindness and love.
15 ELM CITY ECHO At the Warming Center by Paul A Home is a Home by Anonymous On February 8, 2016, Jen, Amy, Scott, and I went to the Warming Center in a church in A Home is filled with Love and Joy New Haven. There were two kids there named A shelter to weather every storm James and Sam. James stated that the staff told A place to live to flee from life’s despair him they would open up the doors in ten min- A place to sleep at night utes. Fifteen minutes later James and a group To keep to warm to raise your kids of others rang the doorbell before we had ar- A Home is something that no man can give rived. Sam was standing in front of the door A Home is built of wood, brick, and sticks on the side, next to Jen, and I was behind Jen. A Home is where the Heart is Sam was nodding and he fell into Jen. Jen got A Home is not inside a Poem. pissed about that. Sam was going to ring the doorbell for the second time and I stopped him and said to Sam that staff came to the door and told us not to ring the bell again, Homelessness that the door will open at 10:00pm. James said something under his breath. Jen overheard by Anonymous James say something, and Jen got into his face. James stated to Jen, “Let’s go around the other Homelessness is not a game side to fight.” By this time Amy had moved It is not something that ends with success slowly away from Jen myself and James. When Homelessness is a plague Will and Scott saw that I was getting upset, It is not a way of life or something we choose they took my bag off my back. We all thought Homelessness has no winner we always lose James was going to hit Jen. By this time I had Homelessness is not listed on the game found out what James said to Jen on the cor- Of life you don’t get a flat tire or ner. That got me pissed and I asked James to Stay still for two spins you end up go around the side of the church to fight. Will, Lost begin holding a sign believing that James, and I started to walk to the side where Someone will pay you with food James had his back to me. I pushed him and Homelessness is not a game he fell down. I let James get up so we could fight, but staff came out and stopped it. James was running his mouth to staff. Some people thought that I was wrong, but others wanted to join the fight. Staff asked us to leave it alone and leave it out of the church. That’s what Jen and myself did.
16 FALL 2016
Wilted Flowers Need Light by Anonymous
Today I feel like a wilted flower, like someone has drained all my girl power. Today I just couldn’t get my second wind. I huffed and I puffed and my house just fell in. Today I just felt like God was playing tricks on me, that bad luck was my destiny. Today I woke up to the sounds of 12 snoring homeless wom- en who always ask for just a few minutes more of sleep. A Home is filled with Love and Joy Today I walked the halls at six just to eat bland cereal and A shelter to weather every storm weak coffee. A place to live to flee from life’s despair Today I started my $90 a week job to pay for my L.O.S. bed. A place to sleep at night Today I felt like a wilted flower soon to be lifted by the To keep to warm to raise your kids morning sunlight but when I discharged at 6:45am there A Home is something that no man can give was no sun in sight. A Home is built of wood, brick, and sticks Damn today I just didn’t feel right. A Home is where the Heart is A Home is not inside a Poem. I didn’t start out like this by Anonymous
I didn’t start out kicked out I used to belong to a family Homelessness is not a game I didn’t start out pushed out It is not something that ends with success I used to live inside of my mother’s womb Homelessness is a plague I didn’t start out homeless It is not a way of life or something we choose I used to pay my rent on time Homelessness has no winner we always lose I didn’t start out in a shelter Homelessness is not listed on the game I used to have keys that worked in my door Of life you don’t get a flat tire or I used to wake up in the morning and thank God that Stay still for two spins you end up The lights were still on Lost begin holding a sign believing that I didn’t start my day with Someone will pay you with food Good morning room B it’s Homelessness is not a game 5:30 time to hit the floor If you’re not out of bed by Six I will write you an infraction I used to hit snooze and sleep for a few minutes more What happened to me? I didn’t start out like this. How did I end up like this???
17 ELM CITY ECHO Hope New by Anonymous How much I have lem. I spent a month Beginnings changed in two in the hospital and it months amazes me. was there that I first by John On December 20th, found hope. I was 2015, I was admitted able to see just how Wind blowing in the win- to Yale New Haven much damage I had dow of the truck got colder as psychiatric hospital. done and I was finally we left the Gulf of Mexico in My world had come ready to take control search of New England. My undone in a day, even of my life. I had a lot mind was running through though the downward of time to put things all the good times I was leav- spiral had been going into perspective and ing behind me. Twenty-four on for the better part these days I am work- hours down the road, Oxford of a year. I was using ing on being good to was new and great. Flowers drugs every single myself. The biggest were sprouting up, and the day. I was shoplifting challenge was letting air was so much cleaner than to support my drug go of the unhealthy lower Alabama’s humid, hot, habit. I was living in relationship that I was sticky breeze. my car and in cheap in. I thought it would I set out for a new adven- hotel rooms and I was have been the drugs, ture and a new life. I’d seen in a relationship with and although I still a pretty blue-eyed lady who somebody who didn’t have my slips I am re- said her name was Kelly. I care about me. ally trying to find joy was leaving six years of be- But the tragedy and ease in my life ing a dad to four step-kids was that I thought life without drugs. I don’t with an abusive mom. Lock- was great. I was hap- steal any more. I ask ing out feelings of remorse py and I never ques- for help and I let peo- for leaving the kids behind tioned the authentic- ple in. My life is big- with my crazy ex, whose joy ity of that. My world ger than an old mini was punching me in the face. was small and getting van and a cheap ho- Blood always tastes of penny smaller. Maybe it tel room. I’m scared copper. And we had so many was an act of God or sometimes, but I per- arguments over things such something supernat- severe. I have dreams as dinner. Step-kids calling ural but I don’t think today and I am allow- me dad gave me the drive to that I would have sur- ing myself to have work and provide. Well, all vived past the New them. I am the only that was gone in a second of Year if something one that can hold surrender. hadn’t happened. For me back. I know that Kelly seemed so sweet and me, that was getting as long as I address new, and there was no bag- help. It’s kind of hard my problems today gage of kids to be raised up to get help when you instead of running north – there was no coun- don’t even realize away from them, life try in her. I fell in love and that you have a prob- will be good. longed to be with her all the time.
18 FALL 2016
ny and am around people I’m [do you have a best friend?] Friends familiar with. My friends are I do. We’re struggling. He’s many and my few close ones struggling with a Benzo ad- by Ray are Godsends. diction. And we just sat and See, for so long I felt the so- detoxed. And he couldn’t Got out of jail 90 days, just ber community wasn’t right. bring himself to submit a enough to kick the substance Meetings were useless. But specimen under the watch- habit. Heroin and klonopins. today I see it was me. I’m the ful eye of the nurse who was Some old friends wel- cause of my troubles. But I’m there to make sure doesn’t al- comed me back. Were very also the master of my destiny, ter the specimen. happy to see me. as dramatic as that sounds. We met in the Grand Av- So, a sober friend intro- This IS my life. And this I enue Shelter. [someone else: duced me to a fellowship take very seriously. To any- it’s a hellhole. me: is it a hell- here in New Haven. One that one struggling, it’s about you. hole?] For some people it is. meets regularly to share and You can aspire and become a It’s all about perception. It’s trade experiences on keeping better version of yourself. But all about what you want to sober. unlike taking a drink or drug make of it. And people are Out of jail and onto streets. it requires work. It requires an people. Some people want to This has been an arduous open mind and honesty. You make your life hell and some experience. But rewarding deserve better than this. Be want to help you. and immeasurable in life’s stronger. At that point in my experi- lessons. The end. ence, in this chapter, I didn’t Learning not to use a drink realize that I didn’t have to or drug but to weather life’s Friends: They’re all sober take things upon myself. Oth- accomplishments and set- and clean or struggling to ob- er people’s attitudes, behav- backs without the crutch or tain sobriety. They help me iors-- scrutinize and judge numbing effect of a drink has and in return I help them. It’s them. At that point, I let peo- been like a score or win any reciprocal. With some people ple bother me, and it wasn’t time life threw its curve ball. it’s just being there, and with that good of an experience So now, after 19 months, some people it’s a more in my goals are being met. I’m depth spiritual understand- newly hired to a great compa- ing.
The Endless Road by Dylan There’s a race of men that don’t fit in They walk the streets to find somewhere to eat There’s a race that can’t stay still From cities to the hills, they cannot pay their bills So they break the heart of kith and kin Some think that they commit a sin One thing for sure, they know how to win They do not know how to sit still With their own free will, they climb the endless hill.
19 ELM CITY ECHO
Good Bye Untitled by Yvonne I went to prison when I was 28. It changed my Dear Mr. Crack, life. I saw a lot of things that maybe I shouldn’t have seen. The things I saw brought me back We met several years ago to my childhood. Things seemed to blend into and I am writing to say good- one, the C.Os became like my father. They bye! hid behind the steel iron gates and professed We’ve had good times to want good for all but there hides the rap- and bad times, but I’m afraid ist. I feel like I may have never started using this is the end! You have de- drugs and never have wanted to experience stroyed everything that has nothingness had that not happened to me, the ever meant anything to me - guard raping me. Where is the justice?! There from cars to homes to family is no justice. members and relationships. I didn’t start using drugs until I went to You were like a vicious cycle prison. I was introduced to every kind you in my life, a fungus in my can imagine. I did alcohol, cocaine but the mind! So, needless to say, I one that really really got me was dope. I felt am gladly bowing out grace- like the world could blow apart and it still just fully. wouldn’t matter. It would still just be okay. I You introducing me to was full of energy and no one could stop me. Mr. Heroin, who was an even I did absolutely everyone and everything bigger obstacle in my life I could to get my fix and now I’m here. I’m because I fell in love with homeless. I feel hopeless and I seem to have him instantly. He robbed me lost that dream I had as a child. I was going to from raising my children and be a musician. A sense of sadness glooms over made me do things I thought my soul that what should have been will never I would never do, taking me be and for that I cry every night, a pillow full out of character to the point of tears for the life I never had. of no return. I sang in the church and at school and then However, my spirituality slowly I found my way to Hollywood and the was a lot stronger than my light blinded me to the demon that lay behind drug habit. My father God them. There were hookers and it seemed easy had a different plan for me. I for a while, meaning I became one. I hitch- am now Hep C. C.O.P.D. and hiked from Florida to California to swing on my health isn’t the greatest, a pole and leave with whoever would help but I will fight this battle until my demon. My demon thirsted for more and I win and become a successful more dope. part of society once again and I was in prison. I was about thirty-four. live life on life’s terms. When I left prison, I was curious – nothing else to do. We were all drinking in front of Victory will be mine.
20 FALL 2016 by Sophie a Bodega and you know a drug dealer came along and was just serving everyone and I wanted to know what it was and I found out. I went to prison for a conspiracy charge of distributing powder cocaine. I got involved just by being alone at 13 and just learning the streets, inwards and outwards. You think you’re invincible. You live by your own laws and own rules. It seems odd, but it’s true. I was good at it and I became very rich and I lived like that for 10 years and then it all came crashing down one day. 10 years later and here Survivor I found myself on a slow road to destruction and later on to becoming homeless. by Anonymous I was in charge of the drug ring. I got there Wake up every day by manipulating, lying, stepping over other Don’t know whether I’m coming or going people. It was amazing. They say women are What’s the world have in store today? the best at it because they are not distracted Can’t decide how I feel by women. They called me the Queen Bee. I What I think was both feared and liked. I had about a 100 What I believe people working for me. I moved about 30 ki- But I persevere los a month. I had five and a half years. I had a Because the alternatives are bleak really good lawyer and that’s why I ended up I am a survivor with such little time. I carry on I felt remorse all the time, guilt. There were If I could turn back time times when I would be guilt ridden, hurting all I wouldn’t change a thing those people, knowing I was killing all those I fight for the day people. But that didn’t stop me. I didn’t stop I I am a survivor think because money and greed. I would wake up in the morning. I would immediately start getting phone calls like crazy. Everyone knew not to call me until af- ter 12, but they still would. I would wash my Beauty face, make a shake, and off to the gym I’d go. I ran 10 miles a day on the treadmill, sat in by Jessica the sauna, took a shower, got dressed and off I On the tip o tongues, always went, off to sell drugs at clubs, to bartenders, Fluent as the coming tides wherever my drugs would go out to, lawyers, And faithful as the pupil’s eye judges, doctors, they all sold for me. Beauty itself has propelled us into orbit
21 ELM CITY ECHO Untitled Black Poetry by Michelle What was my favorite time by Sidney in my life? My favorite time in my life was getting clean in They tell me I’m black a sanatorium in Connecticut. They tell me I’ve been enslaved We went hiking, fishing, had They tell me things that hurt me birthdays, went to movies, They tell me that I’m nothing had running groups. My first They give me doubts and fears sober birthday they took me They tell me the reasons why I don’t matter shopping, had a huge cake— They tell me I should have been buried alive things I never had. It was my They tell me life is empty first sober birthday for 20 They tell me my thoughts are ridiculous years. They tell me I won’t be found I ended up there after call- They tell me if I were missing it would not matter ing somebody. I had planned They tell me no one will visit me on getting clean for 4 or 5 They tell me forgotten hope is mine years, and finally got fed up They tell me don’t talk of yesterday with it. I had a dream where They tell me that I’m conditioned of the past and I saw everyone I knew at a fu- of Godlessness neral, but I couldn’t see the They tell me I have a strong scent person in the casket. I went They tell me I think of the thoughts of tomorrow to ask a pastor about it and he that is never seen said I couldn’t see the person They tell me I have no belongings in a closet because the person was me. They tell me all my things were burnt I’ve been on the right road They tell me all my notebooks are intact since then. Now I help others. They tell me I should not look at them nor read them I live to give back. or write in them There’s more to life than They tell me I should not be excited by my smart mind sitting around. You can’t pay and written words rent without a job, so I need They tell me not to worry nor think because I’m to work. You gotta work. I stupid and slow started working when I was They tell me to rest until death 13 years old at a bakery, then Then whom would judge … I worked at Wendy’s, and I fi- nally started doing homecare. My mother was a nurse, she Only You taught me a lot, she always had a need to care. My favor- by Sidney ite part of doing homecare is seeing the smile on their If there is a moment that I can remember faces. I just keep them laugh- it would be you — only you ing, making jokes. My moth- If there is a time in my life that I think of er embedded that in me. it would be the time with you — only you. She was a great woman, she And if I pass on I would wait for you — changed some lives. only you…
22 FALL 2016 This Thing Called Life by Gray I got a great new job, something I’ve work every day. been eyeing for a while, and I just got Everything’s coming full circle hired on. I did some recovery after a again. I take the process seriously. drug and alcohol issue, where it was When you’re faced with struggles, you pretty much debilitating. I’ve been need to get through it the right way. clean now for twenty months. It’s a Without challenge and struggle there slow process, but I’m living well, liv- is no growth. I have a strong faith that ing right, and rebuilding again. I went I grew up in. There’s a higher power to one of the anonymous fellowships here to help through tough times. here in the community, looking for a What’s good in my life now is an ap- better life as well. They’ve been pretty pointment about getting a room to supportive of me. rent, and starting this process of an I started out stepping out of jail honest life. homeless on the street, going to soup It takes longer for some to get this kitchens, going hungry some days. thing called life. Hopefully we all get I would find a hose on the side of a it. building to shower and do laundry. Then I figured I’d do something pro- ductive, so I started volunteering. It built my confidence, gave me a sense of purpose, and something to do in the morning. I met two girls interest- Untitled ed in purchasing a food truck, helped get it on the road, and they compen- by Glendella sated me with rent for two months, A reflection of a beautiful person enough to get started. I picked up odd Name and letters that describe her jobs, and covered rent for six months. Gracious and caring from the heart and soul I left my last job and took to the street Loving of more than herself and others again. You’d think it was overwhelm- Eventually being all she can be for life ing and just awful, coming back to the No more heartbreak over destroying herself shelter, and in a physical sense, I guess Never giving more than love and passion it is. When you don’t have hope, it is. Describing a woman on life’s journey forever But I have a great group of people Embracing happiness through the eyes of who’ve supported me and helped Living for more than the soul of their courageous heart me get through all this. Now I’ve got Looking at everything that makes wonderful a roof over my head. My chore here Absolutely fabulous beyond ___ dream. at the shelter is laundry, and I get to Surviving more than love can give her Endurance of hope and generosity of hope Taking the initiative to live love her very heart Jealous is what she brings to everyone Even taking the bad and turning it to good Remember that everything is possible if You live love and never give up on her Lives goal ever remember
23 ELM CITY ECHO
Living Situations by Earl I was living in a building, back with two other guys with and the owner wanted to pistols. Somebody let him in sell it. I was the the only one – probably one of the oth- still paying rent there, which er people who were staying meant I was the only one who there – and he came up to my had keys. It was a nine room room on the third floor. He apartment building – three put a pistol to my head and rooms on the first floor, three robbed me of sixty dollars. He on the second, and three on put the pistol in my mouth. the third. My room was on It was the worst feeling you the third floor. Because it was could ever believe. I thought cold out, I let other people I was dead. I get panic attacks stay there. I didn’t want them from it now. Then Ed, one of to have to sleep out in the the guys with him, told him, cold because I’ve been home- “Come on, let’s go! The police less before and I understood are coming and we’ve already how it was. I let a girl and a got the money.” Then Mike guy live on the first floor. I said, “No, he called the police. gave them each a room – the I’m gonna kill this mother- guy in the front room and fucker.” Ed grabbed him by the girl in the back room. the arm, and they ran out. The girl’s boyfriend broke As soon as he left, I called the windows out in the front the police and the police room, so I moved the guy, came. They caught Ed, and I Mike, up to the second floor identified him. I went down- and gave him a room there. town and made a statement, He wanted to sell drugs out and I asked them to give Ed a of the house, but I told him break because he wouldn’t let he couldn’t because if he got Mike kill me and because he caught they would arrest me was homeless. I understood since I was the one paying the robbery because he was rent. He got mad about it, so I desperate. called the cops and told them I’ve got a new place now, he wanted to sell drugs out of and I’m not going to let them my house. After that, I told live there with me. They don’t Mike to go. appreciate anything. Two days later, he came
24 FALL 2016
Maureen by Earl
I met my wife Maureen when she was fourteen and got married when we living in an orphanage in New Haven were eighteen. She was the only girl- on Whitney Avenue. We were eleven friend I ever had. years old, and she originally became At fourteen, we went to Daytona friends with my sister. The orphan- Beach with IDs saying we were six- age had passes to go to the movies teen. In those days, you didn’t need every Saturday, and my sister would a picture on your driver’s license, so go to that same movie theater every I just got blank IDs, typed them up, week. Then, Maureen started coming and got them laminated. The first day to my house with my sister when she we got to Daytona Beach, we slept on could get a pass from the orphanage lawn chairs behind a big hotel. The to leave for the day. My mother fell in next day, I went out, got lucky, and love with her and treated her just like found us jobs at a hotel for old people a daughter. on social security. They would pay us Four months later, she started com- with a room and $25 a week to clean ing to my house two or three days a up around the hotel, and they would week, and she would spend the whole pay us a dollar or 75 cents to run to day with us. Maureen and my sister the store to pick up stuff for the old asked my mother to get her out of people. That was good money back in the orphanage so she could come live 1966. The old people fell in love with with us. My mother didn’t know how Maureen, and she did most of the to do it, so they explained to her that running for them while I did most of she would have to get a letter from the work around the hotel. Pulling up Maureen’s mother, and then the state rugs, painting, emptying the garbage, would have to come and inspect my washing windows, whatever needed to house. They did, and they approved be done. that she could come live with us. We stayed there about eleven The first day she came to live with months and then came back up to us, I was sitting on the couch. After Connecticut. We stayed here for about an hour of being upstairs with about two months, and then we went my sister, she came downstairs and to New Orleans since we saved up our asked me if I would walk her to the money. I got a job working offshore store. I said yes, and we went to the on oil rigs, and she got a job model- store together. After that, we were ling in magazines and newspapers. inseparable. She was my childhood She never changed her last name, but sweetheart. We grew up together. We it didn’t matter because I knew we’d left home together when we were never be separated.
25 ELM CITY ECHO Normal Life by Glenda
I’m fifty-six years old. I was married and he’s engaged now. They comple- once and have a twenty-five year old ment each other. Now they’re plan- son who I raised by myself. We were ning their wedding. married seven years. I got divorced With the help of Columbus when my son was five months old, House, I’ll get housing. It’s a big sac- and that’s when I decided to raise him rifice. We all come from different cul- by myself. I had a job in Fairfield. I tures, backgrounds with different sto- worked with the same lawyer for ries. You learn how selfish people can fourteen years. be. Cold, self-centered, nasty to each My son used to go to work other, mean. In this place I’ve seen the with me and I’d put him in preschool. worst a human being can become. Be- I was around for him all the time. I’d cause of the situation, what’s happened pick him up in between work. He did to us. Day by day, you don’t know what all the sports in school. He’s a black- will happen to you. They could take belt, and has a sailing license. your bed away ‘cause they don’t like At age twelve, he wanted to you. move to Miami Florida, I quit my job I come from Guatemala City. and we moved there. It was the only I’m very grateful for this place, my school he wanted to go to. We were bed, and the meals they provide for us. happy. It was the best time of our I moved from Guatemala City when lives. I was twenty-three years old. Back I decided to move back when home, we weren’t rich. We used to my Mom got sick. That was seven travel, which was a luxury. My moth- years ago. She was becoming sicker er left when I was five years old and and sicker. I lost my savings, my car, came to the U.S. We tried to start our my apartment. I got depressed and relationship after I came here. Of my started drinking. Mom had a heart father and brothers, I’m the only one attack, and now she has care. I’ve left. I would do it again. I learned a lot started my recovery as an alcoholic. I about people. And the only one who is haven’t been able to work because of guiding me today is my higher power. the hours of the meetings. I just get My son doesn’t know me any- food stamps from the state. more. He doesn’t know where I live. Here at the shelter, they give He’s where I want him to be at twenty- us food. When we’re out we find our five years old, and I don’t want to inter- own food to eat. A lot of families vol- rupt his life. He’s the only love of my unteer to come and cook for us. Right life. now I’m in the process of starting my My mom’s getting better. She’s Outpatient Intensive Program, which lost eighty pounds, found housing with is going to last six weeks. During that an elevator, and has everything she time I’m going to start looking for a needs. They’re my only family. Now I job. I keep caring for my mother on want to take time for myself. My goal weekends. is my sobriety. I want to have a normal My son still lives in Florida, life again.
26 FALL 2016 Ain’t that Something by Sheila
I’ve been homeless and on drugs for four years. I was staying here and there, staying in people’s houses. I stayed in entryways, even, or in cars. I hit rock bottom. I couldn’t take it no Por mi Vida more. I prayed for my life. A lot of people used to tell me about the shel- by Elizabeth ter, but at that time, I was out there on drugs. I didn’t want to come to a place Tengo much vencer contra mi like that. I was too ashamed. I had to Familia pero tambien tengo 3 hijos do a lot of stuff for drugs. ‘Course I Queiro habiste en __ tengo una was on it so bad, I used to take from Mujer que me ayuda my family and friends, just to get Te amo drugs. I stole from my mom, but she Es la pero forgave me. Through all that, I got Tambien tengo COPD, but that still didn’t stop me. I kept right on smoking, I got raped. I got raped five times. I got pregnant and didn’t want an abortion, so had a daughter. She comes to visit me now, and I have Untitled flashbacks to what happened. It’s hard. I lost all the kids I had—eight by Elizabeth kids. One died with cancer. She was my oldest daughter. I had two boys Mi nombre es Elizabeth Pabon. Ten- and six girls, but I didn’t know how go 3 hijos cual no he visto en 9 años. to love because no one showed me Me hacen falta cada dia que pasa los how to love. But you know what, I got extraño mas y mas. Mi familia no me tired of being sick, so I kept going to hable no me ayudan. Llo único que church, still getting high. The Pas- tengo es me pareja Yesenia Nuñez tor said to me, keep coming, so I did. todas las noche le pido a dios que un Every Sunday, she just kept praying día yo pueda estar Junto a mis 3 hijos for me, but I still kept smoking. But y tener mi familia. Me duele mucho I went on that Sunday and the Pastor que no tengo mis hijos yo he sufrido called me up there, and she prayed mucho en esta vida me siento vacía, for me and she pointed her finger sola, pedida sin ellos no se si soy and said, “You will not go back.” And abuela mi hijo mayor cumple 18 años guess what? I didn’t go back. I said to en abril 24 dios protege mis 3 hijos. myself, I ain’t going to stop, but I did. No pierdo la Fe de verlos. I’d been high for thirty-five years, and now I just been clean for five months. Ain’t that something. God has blessed me, I’m about to get housing. My amazing God is good. If He can do it for me, He can do it for anybody.
27 ELM CITY ECHO God’s Game by Dominic
So I had this incredibly messed up, scary, and when I was ready. The trip part of the dream enlightening freak show of a dream. Before I was when you went to play the game, a terrify- explain it, I need to set the ground for under- ing, horrible, nostalgic, and euphoric feeling standing. Ecclesiastics 1:18 says, “One who in- takes you over, and it doesn’t let up as long as creases his knowledge, increases his suffering.” you remain trapped in the loop. You can never I once used to pray to God for wisdom and un- get out of the loop, and it is as if you are un- derstanding. At the time, I didn’t realize that a aware that you are even in one. I kept doing higher awareness equals a higher conscious- the same thing over and over and over again. ness. And that the more you know and real- And it felt in the dream like it took a couple ize, the more you see way, way, more messed of hours to do it. But somehow, it was much up things. Eventually, you come to terms with longer. your inability to do anything about it and it I was trapped in this loop for three makes you feel like an ant in the universe. Es- days. sentially, that’s all we are. But I was actually sleeping for only This dream was like a severe acid trip, about six or eight hours. a wet dream, and a nightmare all rolled into It was sort of like an entire cinematic one. The message, however, was earth-shak- movie of shit in two hours. Days, weeks, and ing. There was this black guy, kind of young, even years go by, but it was all done in two and somehow I was in his apartment hanging hours. That is what it felt like in this dream out on his couch. He told me I could do any- when I wanted to access a new game. thing I wanted or play any game I wanted. (He I watched adult movies and became might have said both) aroused. I played a game, fought some dude, I noticed he had some type of device and Spidermanned my way up a building to hooked up to thousands of these wire-like attack some Freddy Kruger-looking dude, and lines. He then scanned some video games I did so much other weird, wild stuff. I some- with it (from Playstation, Xbox, etc.) and they how became aware (probably because I was all appeared on this screen and you could play Spiderman at the time) that I was in a loop at them immediately after they were scanned. the end of the third day and desperately tried I remember being excited because I to stop it. It was as if I were watching myself could play literally any game there is—all I do these things on a screen while actually do- had to do was scan…which is something my ing them and feeling the sensations. All of a brain does automatically. But before long the sudden, it stopped. I found myself back in the images became distorted. black guy’s apartment soaking wet with sweat, He said, “Everything is connected and listening to him laugh his behind off at me. you have to constantly maintain the connec- He then asked me if I was ready to learn and tions by revising them.” before I could answer him, I awoke into this I asked him, “Can you teach me how world. to monitor, create, and maintain the connec- When I woke up, I got the sensation I tions?” was just trapped in the Matrix. He told me that he would teach me Or I just woke up into it.
28 FALL 2016
Life of Trauma by Maria
December of 2013 turned in, and was revived. I remem- that I had a family: a daughter out to be the most revealing ber walking through a beau- and a mom. time of my life. I found out I tiful white tunnel. I couldn’t I went through seven and had a damaging tumor on the understand why I was there. a half months of rehab. I had left side of my brain. I lost the Then I was taken away, back to learn how to walk up stairs, ability to realize I had fam- to life. eat, use my hands, and func- ily. I had been sick for a while They were surprised to see tion as a human being. I real- without realizing it. me talking the next day. In re- ized I was homeless after the In January of 2014, I had ality, I didn’t understand the surgery. I had to change my a fourteen hour surgery. purpose of the surgery. Was life from a working, educated They told me my mom, who it to bring back the life that I individual. I couldn’t remember, had had lost? Who, what, where, People aren’t homeless waited for twenty-four hours and why was I in existence? It because they can’t find work. with my daughter. During the took me two weeks to under- People should be able to un- surgery, I died two minutes stand I had a reason for living, derstand that homeless peo- ple are well-educated people who have fallen on bad times. We are living paycheck to The Oak Tree paycheck. We must be able to take care of each other and by Yvette every individual in society. A mighty wind blew night and day, Many have food and a home. It stole the oak tree’s leaves away. Some don’t. Then snapped its boughs and pulled its bark, Homeless people have Until the oak was tired and stark. traumatic experiences that But still the oak tree held its ground, lead them down the road to While other trees fell all around. nonexistence and existence. The weary wind gave up and spoke… We must grow and learn to “How can you still be standing, Oak?” love one another for who we The oak tree said, “I know that you can are and not for what they per- Break each branch of mine in two, ceive us to be. Carry every leaf away, shake my limbs, In other words, to- And make me sway. morrow is never promised. But I have roots stretched in the earth, Growing stronger since my birth. You will never touch them, for you see, They are the deepest part of me. Until today––I wasn’t sure of just how much I could endure, but now I’ve found, With thanks to you, I’m stronger than I ever knew.”
29 ELM CITY ECHO The Wonderful World of Colors! by Yvonne I started coloring when I started my recovery. I’ve been clean and sober for one year straight. I used coloring as therapy. It eases my mind and it makes me feel bet- ter – especially when I’m depressed … thinking about my life and where I’ve been, and where my addiction has taken me. I’ve learned to follow my heart, because I was always trying to control everything and everyone around me. I came to realize that everything happens for a reason! Coloring controls me. It keeps me calm, it’s like serenity for me. I feel at peace and relaxed when I’m coloring. I put some of my coloring on Facebook and I got such an awesome response from a family member who said, “Wow, your mother liked to color and she was good just like you!” I smiled because I didn’t grow up around my mom, but to know that I had a trait that she had made me feel special. To do what I really love, to follow my heart, and something as simple as coloring a butterfly means the world to me.
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