The Platypus Papers
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I m 7 r TJl::- 40 years Platypus, Sailplane & Gliding maga- J? zine's star writer by his own admission, has been entertaining gliding enthusiasts (with some success) as well as lecturing and admonishing them (with no success whatever) in what started as occa sional jottings but soon developed into a regular treadmill. Despite his sporadic attempts to escape, the Editor of the day always dispatched the Rottweilers to drag him back to his desk. Every aspect of gliding is covered, from the sub lime (soaring vast distances at near-stratospheric altitudes over California, New Zealand or the French Alps) to the squalid (problems of basic bodily func tions at low altitudes and retrieves from quagmires inaccessible to any wheeled conveyance). Early attempts in open cockpits to stay airborne at all, and thousand-kilometre flights in super ships, are given equally heroic treatment. While we're talking about accessibility, although these pieces were originally written for glider pilots, they can all be enjoyed by non-aviators, especially those who are curious about the sport of soaring and the strange people who do it. The ATC class of 1949-with Platypus ringed in white and Keith Mansell, EGA Treasurer, arrowed A talent for draw- Z-ViQg fighters and bombers helped the young Peter Fuller to avoid being beaten up by the other kids. After three years at art school, during a long spell as a techni cal illustrator at British Airways, he discovered a love of gliding. He went independent in 1970 and has been a free lance artist for 30 years. Peter began illustrating articles by Platypus and other contributors in Sailplane & Gliding in the early 1960s and the artist is now chained to the treadmill alongside the writer. The persona of Platypus (vaiu. optimistic and occasionally senti mentally idealist! : , but also scheming, lecherous, cynical and curmudgeonly) is now inescapably cap tured in Peter's cartoons. £19.95 UK $29.95 USA • VttomG^ I tfye£ „ iDTtdtnq<^^- ^| fah. (j The Platypus Papers Fifty years of powerless pilotage Michael Bird First Published in Great Britain in 2000 by Platypus Publications 5 Glentham Gardens London SW13 9JN © 2000 Platypus Publications All rights reserved. Apart from any fair dealing for the purposes of private study, research, criticism or review, as permitted under the Copyright, Design and Patents Act 1988, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, electrical, chemical, mechanical, optical, photocopying, recording or otherwise without prior written permission. All enquiries should be directed to the Publisher. ISBN 0953 8177 09 Edited by Michael Bird & Marion Barritt Editorial consultancy by Barry Ketley Design & layout by Sue Bushell Illustrations by Peter Fuller Cover design by Wendy Durham Printed in Great Britain by Hillman Printers (Frome) Ltd, Somerset Distribution & Marketing (except in North America) by Hikoki Publications Ltd 16 Newport Rd, Aldershot Surrey, GUI 2 4PB tel: 01252 319 935 fax: 01252 655 593 e-mail: [email protected] www.hikoki.dircon.co.uk/ Distribution & Marketing in North America by Marion Barritt 1301 Windsor Court, Gardnerville, NV 89410, USA tel: 1 775 782 7353 fax: 1 775 782 7353 e-mail: mbarritt(g)po wernet.net Editors' note A large proportion of the cartoons no longer exist as originals, and have had to be scanned in from old copies of Sailplane & Gliding. We apologise for the fact that the customary pin-sharp quality of Peter Fuller's illustrations is therefore lacking in some instances. To Alexander and Sophie Acknowledgements In addition to all the people named on the title page who have helped in bringing this book out I must also give special thanks, in strict alphabetical order of surnames, to: Roger Quiller Barrett; Gillian and Bryce Bryce-Smith; Bill Craig; Ted Hull; Jane Reed; Dave Starer; Helen (Evans) and Nick Wall; and Gillian and Justin Wills. One of their chief contributions was to help me decide what to keep in or throw out from a 40-year pile of writings. However they also supplied deep insights into the likely preferences of the read ers of the book, as well as ancient photographs and even more ancient memories, and modern solutions to seemingly insoluble modern technological problems. I am eternally grateful to them all. Platypus Contents Introduction by George Moffat.........................................................6 Foreword by Platypus........................................................................ 7 Platypus: a Chronology .....................................................................8 LOW HOPS AND HIGH HOPES .9 OVER THE HILLS AND FARAWAY ............21 SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST, FASTEST, MOST CUNNING, DEVIOUS ETC ..................................................... ..35 THOSE MAGNIFICENT FLYING MACHINES ......................................57 PEOPLE, PARTNERSHIPS AND PASSIONS ............................ 67 HECK, IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE DANGEROUS, ISN'T IT? .....................77 SOARING COSTS ..............................................................................86 TRAVEL BROADENS THE BEHIND: GLIDING IN EUROPE, AUSTRALIA & NEW ZEALAND .........................................................95 UNDER WESTERN SKIES: GLIDING IN THE USA .................. .....Ill FALLING APART GRACEFULLY ...................................... .133 I HAVE SEEN THE FUTURE ... BUT I'M NOT SURE IT WORKS ....139 TAILPIECE .......................................................................................155 INDEX.............................................................................................156 COVER PHOTOGRAPH CAPTIONS ...................................................160 Introduction by George Moffat Lives there a reader of Sailplane & Gliding, arguably the world's finest gliding magazine, who doesn't turn first to "Tailfeathers" - soaring according to Platypus, otherwise known as Mike Bird? In his column, month after month, Plat manages to cover the entire spectrum of the soaring world, always in forceful and satirically humorous terms. It's enough to make a fel low soaring writer green with envy. I first met Mike several years ago at one of the huge American soaring conventions where he turned out to be the superb main speaker, no mean feat when the after-dinner audience has been benumbed by endless awards presentations. On knowing him better it gradually turned out that he had another talent or two up has sleeve. Outstanding classical piano play ing, for one. Not to mention a long and distinguished career in the publishing business. Titles like Editor, Publisher, Managing Director and even Proprietor abound, though he insists the last is on a very small scale. Oh yes, he does a bit of gliding, too. Some 4,000 hours' worth, with two back-to-back 1,000 km Diploma flights and lots of successful contest and record flying on several continents. Did I also mention vast depths of knowledge on a Renaissance man's gamut of subjects? Leafing through a stack of Sailplane & Gliding yields pieces showing the widest range of interests: The terror-inducing effects of Dick Johnson's flight tests on German glider designers. "Please God, let him stick it to someone else..." The stirring cry of "Let's hear it for the leeches!" on the grounds that competitions would be down to five ships or less without them. Always the realist, our Plat. The day he lost his virginity. I don't just mean aeronautically, either. Wonderful and envy-making accounts of flying in exotic places, New Zealand, the USA, the European Continent. "The rain in Spain sprays mainly on my plane. Again." The need to buy fine wines, grand pianos and new gliders to combat inflation. The lack of any very deep nostalgia for the Good Old days of Gliding. All these flattering things having been said, I'm sad to have to report that old Platypus is a bit of a fraud. You know his trademark cartoon alter ego, a bumbling, somewhat pot-bel lied figure with a broad, innocent, duck-like bill, as drawn by Peter Fuller? Only the eyes are a give-away, with a crafty look at some passing female or one of fiendish glee if there's a chance to do the dirty on some competitor. Well, I happened to be flying with old Plat in a contest in Florida in spring 1999, and I am able to report that once the starting-line is crossed a Jekyll-Hyde transformation takes place. The broad bill narrows, the round eyes glint with steel and Lo! we have Plat the barracuda, terror of the skies! And jolly hard to get away from too. What we have here is a man for all seasons who chronicles the soaring world with grace and wit. We are lucky to have him, and luckier still to have this book, bringing together the best of Plat. Foreword by Platypus These little pieces are based on articles I have written over nearly 40 years, most of them for Sailplane & Gliding. "Based on "seems pretty loose, but I have not been able to resistthe temp tation to tidy up stuff that was hurriedly hand-written, sometimes in airport departure lounges during fortuitous operational delays, and mailed to the editor at the very last minute. Indeed, some weird things I seem to have uttered years ago, before I got my first Apple in 1981 and started processing words, are simply mis-readings by the distracted editor of my artistic scrawl, which appeared in the magazine without correction, the author being by then several continents away. Naturally I have a right, nay a duty, to improve on the original. In the hope that enthusiasts from other countries - and indeed people who are not glider pilots at all- might read and enjoy this book, I have explained things that all British pilots would take for granted. For instance, I shall decode incantations such as CBSIFTCB, the prayer before take-off, the careless omission of which is savagely punished by the Gods. I also needed to shed some light on names and events that have been forgotten by the old, or never heard of by the young. To meet that requirement has entailed some additions and amendments. However I promise that where years ago I made some kinds of forecast, or issued clarion calls for change, which now seem way ahead of their time and uncannily prescient, I have not faked or fudged the record.