exit side of every bathroom door in the school an adjacent stall) recognized such sounds. It house. Remarkably, I’d only noticed it after being launched the count. Battle of the Alimentary Canal assigned the demonstration of urination/defecation With a stop-watch bought at Millikan’s Jerry Woodfill hand washing. This was the era of extreme germ Sporting Goods, we timed the hand-sink-washing warfare, when the mere contact with a contaminated process, i.e., from toilet flush, user mount up, pants playground swing might lead to polio. pull-up, re-zip-up, belt-up, stall open-up, and Nevertheless, my deft antiseptic hand cleansing finally, hand clean-up. Again, a unique wash basin demo was artful. It would have done an OR nurse tap water sound reset our counter, the stop-watch. proud prior to open heart surgery. I displayed Elapsed time of ten seconds from toilet flush would microscopic slide drawings showing all manner of activate the alarm if not reset. After a number of bacteria and fecal contagion deposited on unwashed simulated runs, the alarm time was set for twenty hands, followed by, of course, the Louie Pasteur seconds. award winning post-wash-photo. But technology of the 1950s posed a handicap. No Radio Shacks with myriads of Statistics gathered from surveys and It had to be one of those “when in the course surveillance systems had one out of three defecators electronic contraband imported from the foreign of human events” kind of things, an assignment by ignoring the restroom sign. Such failings were shores of Taiwan and Singapore existed to automate Highland High’s grid-iron coach to teach his ominous. My schoolmates were virtually shaking our contrivance. We would have to make do with sophomore biology class. Since I only played hands with someone’s private parts. Additionally, Beard’s Hardware Store gadgetry . basketball, he could deal with coaching duties while the hand-shaker’s wiping malfunctions left fecal Our preliminary design was begun I taught. matter on fingers. Rather than being flushed into employing a door-bell button mechanism cleverly Yet from earliest childhood, I’d known my the commode’s void, his victim’s hands became wired to the toilet’s float lever. From there bell true academic forte was not biology but scatology . toilet paper. wire was dressed down behind the stall then run The word has a pair of dictionary meanings. I’d I consulted a bookish friend about an along the wall, and finally up into the light fixture like to assign the first to my gift, the study of invention to deal with the “unclean” of Lincoln over the sink. Hidden within the overhead excrement, but that second meaning, is, perhaps, the Grade School. Perhaps, we might enter our apparatus would be our timer with a battery to more appropriate – that is, interest or treatment of invention in this year’s science fair. Besides, the activate an alarm. obscene matters, esp. in literature. To that end is device was sure to instill hand-washing resolve. But what might our alarm be? An audio composed the following recollection from an The concept dealt with an alarm system. Failure to siren, i.e., my Schwin Panther bicycle horn? A experience in the Lincoln Lion’s boys restroom run tap water after a toilet’s flushing sound scolding voice intoning the statement, “Please more than a half century past: triggered the device. The moment the toilet return to the sink your hands are unclean?” flushed, a timer started a launch-rocket-like count Perhaps, a red light flashing above the mirror over * * * * * down. the wash basin might serve well? The sound of tap The sign said, “Wash Your Hands.” The sucking whooshing toilet bowl water would extinguish it. But there was a better No one could miss it. It was posted on the discharges had a distinctive audio signature. An way. Entering the boy’s restroom one morning to electronic noise discriminator (one of us hiding in wash my hands led to the discovery. The gravest among the hand wash abusers washroom warrior passed behind me, through the If you are so disposed, post the sign above. It just nested either immediately after breakfast or lunch, exit door, ignoring the HAND WASH sign. He had might work! i.e., a b.m. in the a.m. or p.m. (We were great on entered the general population of Lincoln Grade acronyms. B.M. stands for bowel movement.) School as a Typhoid Marty , an unclean leper, a However, our project was never to become Somehow, a belt busting breakfast or belly bloating contagion carrier. His handshake would deposit the gold medal winner of the Lincoln Grade School lunch launched swollen bowels into warfare of the bodily wastes on every innocent victim greeted science fair. alimentary canal. Therefore, horrible noises blared with a smile and extended hand. But who knows how many lives might have into the boy’s room from the far stall on the left. “Why hadn’t I yelled at him? Wash your hands!” been rescued from the ravages of polio had it been My cup rinsing was a whisper in comparison. The Perhaps, knowing he’d been found out, employed not only in the halls of Highland, decibel din sounded like World War II with mortar embarrassment would mend his disgusting ways. Hammond, and Hessville grade schools but across rounds firing and depth charges dropping into seas Having a witness to his nefarious act of restroom America? Yes, indeed, Jonas Salk would have been below. depravity was the answer. No longer would he proud! Ghastly poison gases accompanied the half remain incognito among a caste of untouchables, foot olive-drab torpedoes. Such fumes were more the UNCLEAN of our proud school. acrid than any mustard gas carried down-wind from This led to my epiphany, the solution: a the trenches of World War One. However, the listing of such violators . Yes, I’d post a notice, carnage of this battle included the moans of not on the inside of the restroom door but on the defecation, grunts akin to extracting a bullet outside. A sign could do it all…no alarm needed! imbedded in flesh. Perhaps, it was hemorrhoids, piles, an inflamed urethra, enlarged prostrate or constricted anus. My sympathy for this male combatant arose as the battle raged. Surely, I must offer condolences when my Lincoln School warrior emerged from his foxhole. I paused awaiting his exit. Certainly, in light of the grossness of his combat, those hands, devoted to removing refuse from the field of battle, would be cleansed. At that time, my well-wishes would be voiced toward the embattled soldier at the adjacent sink. Thinking about our alarm system and the The Never Patented Handwashing Enforcer timed events, I heard the flush, the pants pull-up, Invention Design the up-zippering, the re-belting, the stall unlatching (circa 1953) as the count preceded to twenty seconds. At the count of twenty, I looked into the mirror as the a. Lincoln Grade School Science b. hemorrhoids The Battle of the Alimentary Canal Fair c. polio Comprehension Questions b. the national patent registry d. diarrhea c. Mr. Wizard’s science show d. a scientific study of scatology ______10. How did Jerry time his alarm? (Enter answers on the line to left of each e. none of the above a. interviewing friends question.) b. using himself as a test case ______6. Scatology is the study of ___? c. consulting a gastroenterologist ______1. Jerry’s tone compares the a. Biology d. hiding in a stall with a bathroom to: b. particle physics stopwatch

a. Garden of Eden c. excrement

b. Roman Spa d. cats who scat ______11. Jerry compared defecation to

c. WWI and WWII ____?

d. hospital operating room ______7.What did Jerry not think about a. depth charges and torpedoes the boy he heard in the b. a Humpty Dumpty rhyme ______2. Jerry infers that unwashed bathroom? c. a teacher he despised hands are_? a. “felt his pain”, sympathized d. a defector (a deserter, traitor) : a. unsuitable for writing themes with him b. the sign of a macho-man b. likened him to a brave ______12. Why did Jerry want the c. simply a nuisance soldier device? d. carriers of polio germs c. he might have a medical a. it would make him famous flaw b. to win a science fair award ______3. Jerry’s invention used _____? d. it was actually the custodian c. to prevent disease a. Radio Shack electronic parts d. to embarrass classmates b. A NASA gas detector ______8. What radio show did Jerry c. Army surplus gadgets think of? ______13. What did the stall sitter do? d. parts from a hardware store a. Rin Tin Tin a. failed to flush the toilet b. Crime Does Not Pay b. collapsed on the floor ______4. Jerry’s conducted a washroom c. War Stories c. failed to wash his hands test? d. The Shadow d. studied for a spelling test (T)rue or (F)alse. ______14. What is meant by B.M. in the ______5. Jerry entered his invention in ______9. Which disease was not A.M.? ___. mentioned? a. Billy Morgan in his Auto- a. typhoid Mobile b. Beginning Math and Arith- ______18. How would Jerry’s alarm Metic work? c. after breakfast scatology a. using flushing and washing The Battle of the Alimentary Canal d. a belt-busting morning signals Vocabulary List breakfast b. an odor detector in the stalls c. door-bell button on soap Word Synonym ______15. Jerry’s compared unwashed dispenser hands to _? d. recoil of a spring-loaded toilet 1. deft skillful a shaking hands with toilet seat 2. commode toilet paper 3. discriminator selection device b. shaking hands with fecal ______19. Why did the stricken toilet 4. myriad innumerable matter sitter enrage Jerry ? 5. decibel measure of sound c. shaking hands with polio a. he knew his hands were 6. din loud discordant noise germs disgustingly filthy yet he 7. alimentary canal entire body food tube d. all of the above failed to wash them 8. defecation waste elimination b. Jerry was sorry for the sitter 9. contrivance mechanical device ______16.What was not considered as c. the sitter helped serve lunches 10. gadgetry crude mechanisms an alarm? d. he’d seen the sitter pick his 11. scatology study of excrement a. his Schwinn bike horn nose 12. fecal pertaining to body waste b. a flashing red light 13. carnage slain flesh c. a scolding voice ______20. What resulted from Jerry’s 14. pile single hemorrhoid d. a sign posted on the door idea? 15. hemorrhoids sores a. he received the Jonas Salk 16. urethra bladder tube ______17. What was Jerry’s award 17. prostrate gland handwashing enforcer ? b. nothing 18. typhoid communicable disease a. class bully standing by the c. this story will make others 19. incognito disguised sink think about bathroom 20. epiphany divine revelation b. the alarm mechanism handwashing c. a poster revealing abusers d. the story sickens readers d. restroom agent spying on the e. c. and d. unwashed