101425 Overseas Hwy. • PMB #628 • Key Largo, FL 33037 • 305-304-2837 • www.theconchtelegraph.com • January 2019

Inside: Attractions Annual Regifting Guide Top Ten New Years Resolutions

What’s Hot & What’s Not Arthurs Island Kitchen Steve Gibb’s Latest Book Maps Key Largo Locator Map Page Getting from Here to There

All the Buzz Dawn Wiggins, Ed. S. Coco-Nut Funnies Conch Characters Business in the Keys The Mangrove Galley Classified Ads Cartoons by Rodney Nelson

The Coconut Telegraph recommends Arthurs Island Kitchen, a new, authentic island restaurant now open in the VFW building in Key Largo. See our article on page 7. 2 • The Coconut Telegraph • January 2019 January 2019 • The Coconut Telegraph • 3

Notice: We do not mail out Coconut Telegraph The Conch Republic 305.304.2837 PIRATES COVE WATERSPORTS the Coconut Telegraph and www.TheConchTelegraph.com January 2019 COCONUT TELEGRAPH [email protected] we do not sell subscriptions. Independently Owned Local Newspaper Key Largo Bay Marriott Beach Resort, 103800 Overseas Hwy. Volume 13 Issue #149 It is available for f r e e o n l i n e a t www.pcwatersports.com Prestige Publishing, Inc www.theconchtelegraph.com. 101425 Overseas Hwy., PMB #628 Key Largo, Florida Keys 33037 101425 Overseas Highway For comments please visit The 305-453-9881 PMB #628 Conch Telegraph on Facebook. Articles Key Largo, FL 33037 Adopt a Key Largo Animal Shelter Pet...... 6 Deadline Cast of Characters: Arthurs Island Kitchen...... 7 for the Editor/Sales/Distribution Coconut Telegraph’s Annual Regifting Guide...... 9 Coconut Telegraph’s Drafting Guys Over 60...... 10 next issue is Denise Malefyt 305-304-2837 Getting from Here to There - Keys Map Page...... 12-13 Thursday, [email protected] 55th Annual Islamorada Sailfish Tournament Results...... 14 January 17, 2019 Conch Characters...... 15 Contact Denise at Advertising Production Mangrove Galley: Pork, Black Bean and Pepper Chili...... 16 Jetski & Boat Eco Tours 305-304-2837 Sue Beal Classified Ads...... 16 Sunset Cruises [email protected] 305-451-4601 Daily Om: Everyone Can Heal...... 17 Stand Up Paddleboards beal_s @bellsouth.net Key Largo Locator Map Page...... 18 Boat Rentals Top Ten New Years Resolutions...... 19 “I don’t think I get enough Business in the Keys...... 20 credit for the fact that I do Keys Adventures all of this unmedicated.” The Apology You’ve Longed For by Dawn Wiggins, Ed. S...... 21 Jimmy Johnson’s Big Chill, 104000 Overseas Highway Coco“Nut” Funnies...... 22-23 www.keysadventureswatersports.com 305-731-9472 Editorial: Helper! Get Over Your Keys Celebration...

It was a great night , lively Aspirin - take 2 and go back the symptoms and a Bloody be a welcome part of what entertainment, a fast bar- to bed Mary contains vitamins your Germans call katerfrühstück, tender, and good friends Sleep - stay in bed all day or body is craving. It is but a or the hangover breakfast. buying Fireball shots. You until the pain goes away temporary fix though. If Romania: don’t remember the cab ride you’re going to play, you’ve home or how you got to bed. - by the time you can got to pay. Tripe – aka cow stomach – All you know is that you woke force it down you should on is the go-to ingredient for the road to recovery National Geographic had an many Romanians suffering up and your head is throb- interesting article about bing. Your mouth tastes like - takes care of the from a hangover. It’s also a some of the strangest hang- common “cure” in Mexico and dead cat. Sweating, shaking dehydration problem over cures from around the 8 am - 10 pm daily. and groaning you manage to Turkey, and no doubt many Hot or cold shower - gets rid world. Perhaps they mean other countries as well. But TTaakkee tthhee SShhuuttttllee!! drag yourself to the bath- of the smell “cure” in a way that you’ll room to pay homage to the in Romania, the edible offal For those arriving to the Gilbert’s party fashionably late, you can park on the Fruit - replaces lost never touch again if main access road and take the FREE air-conditioned shuttle to and from porcelain god. While you gag is boiled in a greasy, salty vitamins you’re forced to take these soup of root vegetables, gar- Gilbert's on Saturdays and Sundays from noon-8pm. and retch in agony with your the morning after: head against the cold rim of Eggs - they contain cysteine, lic vinegar, and cream. the toilet you swear you will an amino acid, and your liver Germany: Pickled Herring Poland: Sour pickle juice never, ever, ever drink again. will thank you. Pickled or marinated her- Polish are We Stock Guitar Strings But just what can you do to Take a walk - exercise and ring is the main ingredient all about the sour. Some say alleviate this self inflicted oxygen can’t hurt in a sour snack Germans call that soured milk (which is — New & Used Guitars — agony? Rollmops. Considered an ex- Chocolate - it always makes unpasteurized and has been cellent way to ward off a bad Here are some things to try: me feel better left at room temperature for hangover, they’re made by a day or two) does the trick. Nurse - If you are dating - a Bloody Custom wrapping fillets of the tiny Others favor sour – very someone in the medical field Mary. Alcohol is a depres- Jewelry white fish around bits of on- sour – pickle juice, heavy on CORAL FINANCIAL you are probably already sant. Having a drink will ease Jewelry & Pawn ion and gherkin. Rollmops can the vinegar. hooked up to an IV. If not... MM102 Disclaimer Oceanside 453-5300 The Coconut Telegraph © 2006-2019 is published monthly by Prestige Publishing, INC. All Telegraph assumes in good faith that all editorial and advertising material submitted are Key Largo 305-453-4844305-453-4844 rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced without written consent of the original property of the advertiser. The Coconut Telegraph may not be held responsible the publisher. The Coconut Telegraph welcomes written articles, photos, and artwork of for errors, omissions, or for circumstances beyond our control that may affect the distribution wwwwww..kkeylaeylarrgocongoconcchhouse.comhhouse.com local interest to be used and/or edited at the discretion of the publisher. The Coconut schedule. 4 • The Coconut Telegraph • January 2019 January 2019 • The Coconut Telegraph • 5

SHOWBOAT CURFEW More Expressions Explained These were floating theaters built The word "curfew" comes from on a barge that was pushed by a the French phrase "couvre-feu", 131 Coco Plum Rd S • Key Largo 117 Burgundy Dr • Key Largo BUYING THE FARM south. Riverboats carried passen- steamboat. These played small which means "cover the fire." It During WW1 soldiers were given gers and freight but they were towns along the Mississippi River. was used to describe the time of $1,395,000 $599,000 life insurance policies worth expensive so most people used Unlike the boat shown in the movie blowing out all lamps and candles. $5,000. This was about the price rafts. Everything had the right of "Showboat" These did not have an It was later adopted into Middle of an average farm so if you died way over rafts which were consid- engine. They were gaudy and English as "curfeu", which later you "bought the farm" for your ered cheap. The steering oar on attention grabbing which is why we became the modern "curfew". survivors. the rafts was called a "riff" and say someone who is being the life In the early American colonies this transposed into riff-raff, of the party is showboating." homes had no real fireplaces meaning low class. IRON-CLAD CONTRACT so a fire was built in the center This came about from the ironclad OVER A BARREL of the room. In order to make COBWEB ships of the Civil War. It meant In the days before CPR a drowning sure a fire did not get out of Beautiful custom deep water canal residence o ers Beautiful stucco covered double wide mobile, 3/2 with The Old English word for "spider" WE KNOW THE something so strong it could not victim would be placed face down controlduring the night it was modem amenities, spacious architectural design with a nice open oor plan and recessed lighting. Tile oors be broken. was "cob". over a barrel androlled back and required that, by an agreed soaring ceilings, top notch nishes, and immediate TRUE VALUE throughout, Granite counter tops and upscale appli- forth in a effort to empty the upon time, all fires would be ocean access. ances. Separate laundry room. PASSING THE BUCK / SHIP STATE ROOMS lungs of water. It was rarely covered with a clay pot called a OF HOMES THE BUCK STOPS HERE Traveling by steamboat was effective. If you are over a barrel "curfew." 27 South Drive • Key Largo IN THE UPPER KEYS 421 Bahia Honda Rd • Key Largo Most men in the early west considered the height of comfort. you are in deep trouble. Passenger cabins on the boats BARRELS OF OIL carried a jack knife made by the $899,500 It’s critical to select the right $449,000 Buck knife company. When playing were not numbered. Instead they BARGE IN When the first oil wells were REDUCED REDUCED poker it was common to place one were named after states. To this Heavy freight was moved along the drilled they had made no Provision real estate professionals to help of these knives in front ofthe day cabins on ships are called Mississippi in large barges pushed for storing the liquid so they used you buy or sell in today’s dealer so that everyone knew who staterooms. by steamboats. These were hard water barrels. That is why, to this he was. When it was time for a to control and would sometimes day, we speak of barrels of oil changing market. We’re familiar SLEEP TIGHT new dealer the deck of cards and swing into piers or other boats. rather than gallons. with homes selling in the Upper the knife were given to the new Early beds were made with a Hence "barged in". HOT OFF THE PRESS Keys and can o er great tips. dealer. If this person didn't want wooden frame. Ropes were tied to deal he would "pass the buck" across the frame in a criss-cross HOGWASH As the paper goes through the Want to know what your home Great Weekender! Brand new oors, dry-walls, granite countertops.new wood kitchen cabinets, new appli- to the next player. If that player pattern. A Straw mattress was Steamboats carried both people rotary printing press friction Key Largo canal front home with open concept living. 3/2 upstairs. Lots of natural light and cathedral is worth in today’s market? ances, electrical all updated, windows, new roof. accepted, the buck stopped there. then put on top of the ropes. Over and animals. Since pigs smelled so causes it to heat up. Therefore, ceilings. Spacious living for all your entertaining, plus Everything has been re-done to make this a LIKE time the ropes stretched, causing if you grab the paper right off bad they would be washed before a beautiful screened porch overlooking a wide canal. NEW HOME ready to move into, RIFF RAFF the bed to sag. The owner would being put on board. The mud and the press It is warm. The expres- Call us for a no-obligation The Mississippi River was the main then tighten the ropes to get a other filth that was washed off sion means to get immediate consultation to learn your better night's sleep. 1500 Ocean Bay Dr • Key Largo 32 Pirates Drive • Key Largo way of traveling from north to was considered useless "hog wash." information. THANKS, TRADER DICK! home’s top market value. $339,000 $325,000 We’re not just Realtors®...

Voted 4-7 Daily we’re also your neighbors! Best Happy Hour in the Keys! WEDNESDAYS: 20% LOCALS DAY Pilot House Restaurant:

Taylor King Band Cute 2/1 single family home, right across from the boat ramp. Keys cottage in a great neighborhood. Great starter Every Saturday Night Townhouse in Kawama Yacht Club. 3 levels in a private home very well maintained. Has hurricane shutters, WATERFRONT corner of K building. Very well maintained unit with pretty new partial metal roof and updated cement roof. great rental history on winter time. Perfect resort for is would also be a great weekend home. Nothing to do the whole family with many amenities. Honesty. here but move in. 104350 Overseas Hwy • Key Largo Integrity. Trust. 9824 Mariners Ave - 110 A La Carte $550,000 Dependability. Keys Expertise. $599,900 As seen on Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives BROKER/OWNER OWNER on Network!! Brunch Episode: “Succulent Sandwiches” 11 am - 2 pm This trip, Guy Fieri's diggin' into succulent sandwiches! Every Sunday In Oakland, a real-deal butchery stacking up killer cheesesteak and off-the-chain chicken. In Modesto, Calif., a Complimentary Mimosa, Jane: 305-451-7704 Wendy: 305-394-1376 Check out our Local’s CRS, GRI, Short Sale Specialist GRI funky food truck putting pastrami on pretzel bread and Loyalty Program: Glass of Champagne or #C-15 Bayfront townhouse with deeded boat slip! 3/2 Landings of Largo condo with all the bells and whistles cooking pulled pork in root beer. And in Key Largo, with Lovely Moon Bay unit with weekly rentals allowed. plus a deeded boat slip witha li. Views everywhere. Walk Get your across to the pool or very near to the Marina. A top location Florida, a seafood staple servin' up a sandwich that's Beautiful sunset views. The Wasmund Team Pilot’s License Brunch Entrée Tropical Realty Of The Florida Keys, Inc for Keys living. Weekend or full time, for you & your family. become a local legend. (Episode: DV2407H) today! We're a Mother-Daughter Team and we handle your real estate needs with integrity and professionalism. Over 30 years of combined sales in the Keys gives you the opportunity to have our experience work for you. 13 Seagate Blvd., Key Largo, MM 99.6, 305-451-3142 HOME OF THE [email protected] • www.thewasmundteam.com www.pilothousemarina.com fb.com/pilothousekeylargo Glass Bottom Bar™ VISIT US IN OUR OFFICE AT 102901 OVERSEAS HWY, MM 102.9 OCEANSIDE 6 • The Coconut Telegraph • January 2019 January 2019 • The Coconut Telegraph • 7

2 0 18-2019 P E RFORM I NG SE ASON

Meet a few of the animals who are currently available for adoption at the Key Largo Animal Shelter. If you are interested in taking one Y Arthurs Island Kitchen of these adorable furry friends home, stop by or call. The Shelter is SATURDA Adopt a Key Largo Animal Shelter Pet located at mile marker 106 Oceanside; phone 305-451-0088. TINEE MA When given the opportu- nity to utilize a fully- When the VFW closed veterans, or play bingo and equipped restaurant and bar down a few months ago, the other games to benefit the centrally located on US 1, he officers, led by State Attor- veterans and their families. and his family were thrilled ney Dennis Ward, claimed that Let me tell you - dues to have a chance to share former employees were steal- paying members are pissed their family recipes in their ing. It had a reputation for off! The VFW Post is not FREE Outdoor own restaurant. Arthur's being a hotbed for drugs and functioning as a place for its Band Concert Saturday • 4 PM Island Kitchen features drunks, and there was the still members. It's just a building Floribbean Cusine which unsolved murder of Mary now. Just real estate. mixes Caribbean and South- Bonneville tied to the place. The officers of the VFW Pebbles Paul & Simon Joyce Misty Lily January19 ern Florida cooking tech- The loyal VFW members chose to close rather than run niques and all fresh ingredi- were and still are outraged at the VFW as a business as it “Saturday Matinee” ents to make dishes that will what happened after that! had been since the beginning. have your taste buds dancing! Down went the American They own the building free and Conductor: Hulber Gagliardini In order to have a suc- At Arthurs Island Kitchen colors and their former Post clear so they leased it to cessful restaurant off the you can get exotic dishes was alive in bright Caribbean Arthur Paterson. The VFW water, in a place surrounded meetings are held in a back such as Stew Oxtail (a locals' colors. VFW members took ICE Amphitheater with controversy, you have to offense to articles in other room behind Arthur's Island favorite) or Curry Goat and at Founders Park, Islamorada • Bayside, MM 87 be good, very good…. and newspapers with opinions from Kitchen. Issues with this Calalloo Soup. For the less Free Admission • Outdoors: Bring a Blanket or Lawn Chair Arthur Paterson owner of the VFW Post officers that did year‛s elected board of offi- Fun-filled Family Entertainment new Arthur's Island Kitchen adventurous, there are not reflect the sentiments of cers should be taken up Rudy — New Band Members Welcome — located in the VFW Post next steaks, lobster, conch and the members. No longer were directly with them or on a Bowie Cocoa Ginger Holly Co-sponsored by the Parks and Recreation Department, Village of to KLI is more than good, he burgers. A menu to satisfy they able to provide free district, state or national level. Islamorada, with support from Islamorada Community Entertainment is extraordinary! any palate and at great prices dinners on the holidays, keep Those wishing to help veterans 305-451-4530 • www. k e y s community concer t band .or g can do so by supporting the Paterson moved to Key too! Bring the whole family, track of old members who Largo in 1988 from the visited the post daily for American Legion Post 333, Arthur has a great children's NOW FEATURING THE TRAILER SHOP at "Spice Island" of Grenada. camaraderie with other aging 2 Seagate Blvd, Key Largo. How to Avoid Mixing Your Metaphors KEYS BOATING CENTER He has over 30 years expe- menu too. Arthur's Island Dockside Market rience as a chef. For 15 Kitchen offers a 15% dis- Cakes & Cookies 20+ YEARS It's not rocket surgery. First, get all your years he worked at Whale count to all VFW members with a EXPERIENCE Harbor and the Green and a 10% discount to anyone ducks on the same page. After all, you can't Key Largo | Miami | Pompano | Stuart Tropical Flair Turtle Inn for Henry Rosen- make an without breaking stride. Outboard Engine Service who wears a uniform to work Trailer Sales & Repairs thal, at the OV Oceanview - Armed Forces, firemen, Boat Consignment • Brokerage Lounge and at the Plantation Be sure to watch what you write with a fine- New Yacht Sales police, nurses, etc.Open Personal Watercraft Repairs Key Convalescent Center. All tuned comb. Tuesday thru Sunday 11 am - three of Paterson's children Check and re-check until the cows turn blue. YOUR ONE STOP MARINE SERVICE CENTER were born and raised in Key 10 pm and closed Monday. For GREAT QUALITY & CUSTOMER SERVICE AT A FAIR PRICE Largo, and graduated from more info call 305-922-2332, It's as easy as falling off a piece of cake. 105850 Overseas HWY 3 0 5.45 1.115 0 MM 106 Bayside Coral Shores. or 305-394-4445. 305-451-3702 • 99551 Overseas Highway • KeyLargoFlorist.com www.KBCMarine.com Key Largo, FL 33037 Don't worry about opening up a whole hill of beans; you can burn that bridge when you come to it, if you follow where I'm coming from. List With Us - Buy From Us Concentrate! Keep your door closed and your (FROM NOW THRU DEC. 31) AND WE'LL GIVE YOU FLORIBBEAN FLAIR, FRESH FISH, REAL ISLAND RECIPES enemies closer. Finally, don't take the moral A $250 CREDIT TOWARDS CLOSING COSTS! high horse: if the metaphor fits, walk a mile in AUTHENTIC CARIBBEAN DISHES it. The Wasmund Team Tropical Realty Of The Florida Keys, Inc. FISH Stewed Oxtail • Curry Goat • Curry Chicken SOUPS BROKER/OWNER OWNER Know enough to realize when the alligators are We're a Mother-Daughter Team SEAFOOD Guyanese Stewed Fish, Chicken, and Lambi (Conch) SALADS in the swamp and it‛s time to circle the wagons. and we handle your real estate needs with LOCATED INSIDE THE VFW integrity and professionalism. Over 30 years OPEN TO THE PUBLIC STEAK Grenadian Roti made with Chicken or Goat SANDWICHES So you‛re not the smartest crayon in the of combined sales in the Keys gives you the opportunity to 102255 OVERSEAS HWY.,KEY LARGO CHICKEN Island Style Soups, featuring Calalloo WRAPS forest! Keep burning the midnight oil at both Jane: 305-451-2214 have our experience work for you. Wendy: 305-394-1376 CRS, GRI, Short Sale Specialist GRI OPEN 11AM-10PM, CLOSED MONDAYS ends. You‛ll get it! [email protected] • www.thewasmundteam.com 305-922-2332 • WINE • BEER • DESSERTS • KIDS MENU • GREAT PRICES ARTHUR PATERSON, CHEF/OWNER 102901 OVERSEAS HWY, MM 102.9 OCEANSIDE 8 • The Coconut Telegraph • January 2019 January 2019 • The Coconut Telegraph • 9 The Coconut Telegraph’s January Regifting Guide BIGGEST PARTY This is our second annual curated collection of the hottest products to regift after the holidays IN THE UPPER KEYS ON THE BAY 2 JUMBO OVER 35 HD TVS SCREEN S THROUGHOU T BAYSIDE THE PROPERTY

MM104 B/S - Key Largo | 305.453.9066 | www.jjsBigChill.com

FAKE HEALTH NEWS GENERATOR CAUTION st st YOUR EYE COLOR 1 LETTER Of 1 NAME BIRTH MONTH FIRST LETTER Of LAST NAME EXPOSURE TO MUSIC...

LIGHT Pulling A raw onions JAN in your bed A removes toxins. May cause sudden BROWN B alkaline water FEB in your hair B cures cancer. outbursts of Joy, C tinfoil MAR under your doormat C helps you lose weight. Happiness, Energy, DARK D essential oils APR on your face D reduces allergy symptoms. Creativity, Rubbing Awareness & BROWN E amethyst MAY on your third eye E blocks EMF radiation. Spontaneous Healing! Sleeping F avocado JUN around your neck F cures acne. BLUE with G coconut oil JUL in your handbag G makes you smarter. HANDLE AT YOUR OWN RISK! H urine AUG on your palm H wards off negative energy. GREEN Sprinkling I epsom salt SEP in your sock I fixes joint pain. J turmeric OCT up your nose J relieves constipation. OTHER Visualising K healing crystals NOV in your ear K boosts your serotonin. Salt Life! L raw eggs DEC in your underwear L protects from bee stings. M ginger M fixes back pain. N quantum energy N cures migraines. O organic walnuts O realigns your chakras. P kombucha P will help you find love. Q hemp Q cleanses your liver. R the frequency of love R cures sinus pain. S garlic S rebalances your hormones. T detox pads T unclogs arteries. U broccoli juice U prevents heart disease. V moonlight V fights muscle cramps. W activated charcoal W reduces air contaminants. X brain pills X helps others pronounce Y inspirational quotes your name. Z a mandala Y helps you sleep. Z reveals how many past lives you've had. 10 • The Coconut Telegraph • January 2019 January 2019 • The Coconut Telegraph • 11

th th January 10 -20 11 Days of Drafting Guys Over 60 Food & Wine Events OPEN 11:00 AM to 9:30 PM EVERY DAY I am over 60 and the we'd forget where we put in Key Largo Armed Forces thinks I'm them. In fact, name, rank, & Islamorada too old to track down ter- and serial number would be DAILY FOOD & DRINK SPECIALS YOUR FAVORITE RESTAURANTS OFFER ‘PRIX FIXE’ CHEF’S MENUS a real brainteaser. Sunday - Live Music 2-6 pm rorists. You can't be older throughout the entire Festival; prices from $39 + tax + tip than 42 to join the military. Boot camp would be Contact restaurant or check the website for details. FRIDAY NIGHT FISH FRY 5-9 pm They've got the whole thing easier for old guys. We're Fried $12.99 • Blackened/Grilled $13.99 Ballyhoo’s in the median, MM 97.8 MAHI ALL-U-CAN-EAT • Green Turtle Inn Oceanside, MM 81.2 bass-ackwards. used to getting screamed SATURDAY - PRIME RIB DINNER Kaiyo Oceanside, Old Hwy; MM 81.7 Instead of sending and yelled at and we're Key Largo Conch House, Oceanside 100.2 Marker 88 Bayside, MM 88 18-year old‛s off to fight, used to soft food. We've HAPPY HOUR: 4-6 pm EVERY DAY Sundowners, Oceanside, MM 103.9 they ought to take us old also developed an apprecia- Bud & $ Bud Light 1 Drafts Thursday 1/10 Wednesday 1/16 guys. You shouldn't be able tion for guns. We've been LOCALS’ FAVORITE 305-453-3153 45 Garden Cove Drive MM 106 Islamorada Beer Company and Islamorada Distilling Snappers Waterfront Restaurant to join a military unit until using them for years as an MM 82 (O), Isla. MM 94.5 (O), Key Largo you're at least 55. excuse to get out of the Complimentary Tasting and Tours 4-6pm Grape Stomping Contest 6pm Tour our brewery and distillery and try our latest releases in Teams will stomp grapes in a For starters, research- house, away from the OPENING SOON! beer & spirits. 305-440-2162 wine barrel to yield the most juice. $35 per team. 305-852-5956 ers say 18-year-olds think screaming and yelling. Ciao Hound at The Postcard Inn If you can dream it, we can build it! MM 84 (O), Isla. Thursday 1/17 about sex every 10 seconds. They could lighten up on Taste of Ciao Hound Old guys only think about the obstacle course how- CUSTOM WORK 3-course Italian dinner paired with red and white wines. Chef Drew’s Gallery CYCLE $52 pp + tax + tip. 305-664-2321 MM 88, Plaza 88, Isla. sex a couple of times a ever I've been in combat Full Service Machine Shop, Welding & Fabrication ‘It’s a Small World’ Cooking Class 6pm and never saw a single Racing Engines, Modifications, Restorations Gilbert’s Resort - MM107.9 (O), KL Chef Drew will prepare French, Italian, American and maybe month, leaving us more than MOTORCYCLES Seafood Sampler 5-9pm an Australian dish to pair with wines. $80 + tax + tip. 305- 280,000 additional seconds 20-foot wall with rope American & Metric Enjoy Gilbert’s famous Conch Fritters, Snapper and 853-6206. Reservations essential. 24 spaces only. Online Prices in A Local Brick & Mortar Shop Fish Dip with a glass of wine or beer of choice. per day to concentrate on hanging over the side, nor ATVs $19.99 + tax + tip. 305-451-1133 Reelburger at Amara Cay - MM80 (O), Isla. Deep Discounts on Tires, Parts & Accessories 3-Course Dinner Paired with Wines 5-9pm the enemy. did I ever do any pushups WATERCRAFT Local author Steve Gibbs at Key Largo Chocolates We want to know what you ride, and Sample the fare of this great new restaurant. Young guys haven't after completing basic SPORT BIKES Tradewinds Plaza with his latest in a MM 100.5 (B), Key Largo $39 +tax + tip 305-664-0073 what you want to see in a local shop. Decadent Desserts meet Fabulous Wines 7pm. Superb, lived long enough to be training. series of books he has written since fancy desserts and chocolate to die for, paired expertly with Num Thai CRUISERS Come hang out! This will be YOUR place! cranky, and a cranky sol- Actually, the running his reirement from the newspaper wines by our wine connoisseurs. $25 inclusive. 305-453-6613. Plaza 103, MM 103.2 (B), Key Largo Shop 305.998.4633 • Cell 305.902.9169 Come by, call, text or email. Reservations strongly suggested. An Oriental Experience 6pm dier is a dangerous soldier. part is kind of a waste of business. Check it out! & Thai dishes, complimentary sake & wine.305-451-5955 100693 Overseas Hwy • Key Largo • [email protected] Friday 1/11 'My back hurts! I can't energy, too. I've never seen Friday 1/18 Key Largo Fisheries Backyard Café sleep, I'm tired and anyone outrun a bullet. 1313 Ocean Bay Drive, Key Largo Buzzards Roost - 21 Garden Cove Drive, KL An 18-year-old has the Lobsterfest 6-9pm A French Quarter Festival 7pm hungry.' We are bad- Largest Tiki Bar in the Keys! Florida Lobster every which way, live music and wine!! $49.95 An evening of dining, New Orleans style. Four-course Creole dinner paired with wines and starting with the famous tempered and impatient, whole world ahead of him. 107900 Overseas Hwy plus tax. 305-451-3782. Reservations strongly suggested. Retire to Key Largo where...�� Sazerac . and maybe letting us kill He's still learning to shave, www.gilbertsresort.com B.J. Royster Gallery & Martinis $48.95 + tax + tip. 305-453-3746. Reservations essential. some a-hole that desper- to start a conversation with 305-451-1133 MM 81.6 (B), Isla. 1. You‛ll be willing to park 3 blocks away from your Art, Bubbles & Hors d’oeuvres 6-8pm Skippers Dockside - 529 Caribbean Drive, KL ately deserves it will make a pretty girl. He still hasn't Champagne reception featuring Chef Drew’s choice selection Burgers and Beer 5-10pm house because you found shade. of hors d’oeuvres. 20% off all store sales – 6- 8pm. The new Skippers signature burger: medium burger, fried us feel better and shut us figured out that a baseball 305-664-4800 onions, BBQ sauce, Jack Daniels jam, and Cheddar cap has a brim to shade his cheese with Old Bay fries, paired with our signature Wild up for a while. 2. You'll experience condensation on your butt from Saturday 1/12 Rooster IPA. $10 + tax + tip (no substitutions or eyes, not the back of his SATURDAYS THIS MONTH: modifications). 305-453-9794 An 18-year-old doesn't the hot water in the toilet bowl. Key Largo Chocolates - MM 100.5 (B), KL even like to get up before head. Junior Chocolatier Class 11am Marker 88 - MM 88 (B), Isla. Kids take a tasty adventure and learn about chocolate, POP-UP MIAMI Chef’s Dinner 7pm 10 am. Old guys always get These are all great 3. You have over 100 recipes for seafood. while tasting and making your own. $23 + tax. 3 5 courses, 3 Featured Chefs, ONE great evening!! Chefs up early to pee, so what the reasons to keep our kids at 05-453-6613. Res. suggested. prepare their signature courses each complemented by a fine wine. $85 Inclusive. 305-852-9315. Reservations strongly heck. Besides, like I said, home to learn a little more 4. You know that you never have to pay for a sauna, Sundowners - MM 104 (B), Key Largo suggested. Stone Crab Eating Contest I'm tired and can't sleep about life before sending just walk outside. 6:30pm registration 7:30pm contest Saturday 1/19 and since I'm already up, I them off into harm's way. Saturday, Jan. 5 Saturday, Jan. 5 Saturday, Jan. 12 Who can crack and eat 25 stone crab claws fastest? Entry UNCLE SMOKEY CHAIN REACTION CAT DADDIES form online. Watch the fun for free! Benefits FKCC. may as well be up killing Let us old guys track 5. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, humid & hot, and 305-451-4502. 1-5 PM 7-11 PM 1-5 PM UNCORKED 2019 GRAND TASTING some fanatical son-of-a-gun. down those terrorists. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? Snappers Waterfront Restaurant The Postcard Inn MM 94.5 (O), Key Largo MM 84 (O), Islamorada If captured, we couldn't The last thing an enemy A Taste of Europe Snappers Style 6. You can make over $350,000 and you still can't Saturday January 19, 11am – 4pm spill the beans because would want to see is a Chef Clark Huff presents a 3-course dinner featuring dishes afford to buy a decent house. from France & Sweden, expertly paired w/wines. A multi-sensory experience featuring world class couple million pissed off $52 + tax + tip. 305-852-5956 wines and spirits and a culinary extravaganza old farts with bad atti- presented by the fabulous restaurants of 7. You can have dinner and buy bait in the same store. Sunday 1/13 Islamorada and Key Largo all in a fabulous tudes and automatic weap- Saturday, Jan. 12 Saturday, Jan. 19 Saturday, Jan. 19 oceanfront setting. Sunday Brunches (check the web for more info) STATIC UNCLE RICO RADIO STEREO VIP tickets entry 11am- $90 ons who know that their 7-11 PM 1-5 PM 8. Everyone has a nickname: Smilin' Bob, Lobsterman, 7-11 PM Tuesday 1/15 General admission noon - $65 best years are already Not-that-Buffy, Methhead Mary, etc. Purchase tickets online in advance. At gate – add $10. Senor Frijoles - MM104 (B), Key Largo behind them. Fajitas and Margaritas from 7pm HEY!! How about 9. You carry your $3,000 worth of fishing gear in Celebrate Tuesday with 2 for 1 Fajitas and Sunday 1/20 $5 Exotico Tequila Margaritas. 305-451-1592 recruiting menopausal your $500 car. Sunday Brunches (check the web for more info) women ? You think MEN 10. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting Reservations are required for many of the events. Please contact the venue for reservations & info. have attitudes? Saturday, Jan. 26 Saturday, Jan. 26 MICHAEL TRIXX Events subject to change. Get the latest info on the web! Oh my God!!! BROTHERS OF OTHERS BOMBSHELL Every Saturday for a tourist to pull off the road. 1-5 PM 7-11 PM 8PM www.FloridaKeysUncorked.com

12 • The Coconut Telegraph • January 2019 January 2019 • The Coconut Telegraph • 13 KEY LARGO CHOCOLATES & ICCEE CREAREAM

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Sunday Breakfast Bu et BINGO Jan 6 • Feb 3 • Mar 3 • Apr 7 Sundays, 5-7 pm Patio service 10am until it’s gone! Friday January 11, 7:30 pm LIVE MUSIC with the Taylor King Band January 12 CHILDREN’S SAFETY DAY LINE DANCE AND DRUG AWARENESS Mondays 5 pm including a bike and helmet giveaway! FISH FRY Fridays, 6 pm, KARAOKE 7:30 pm on Jan. 4th, 18th & 25th For info: 305-852-1872 MM 92.6 Bayside • Tavernier

$4 OFF ENDLESS MIMOSA WITH PURCHASE OF BRUNCH ITEM THIS AD COC TEL 14 • The Coconut Telegraph • January 2019 January 2019 • The Coconut Telegraph • 15 Last Dance Wins 55th Annual Islamorada Sailfish Tournament Conch Characters The 55th Annual Islamorada of 14 sailfish releases.138 Sailfish Sailfish Tournament kicked off at were released out of the 170 Whale Harbor hosting 79 anglers, called in hook ups with nearly plus friends and family with a $70,000 going to the winners. grand buffet. Great sailfish action Last Dance ended the 3-day started on Friday morning and tournament with a total of 14 fish continued over the next three landing them the Overall Cham- days concluding on December 2. pion trophy. Angler Matt Mclean Captain Robert Collins of Last released a total of 7 fish earning Dance led anglers Matt McLean him the High Point Angler. He was and Mark Wodlinger both from also awarded the Bill Hirni high Naples, along with Ken Longaker point angler perpetual trophy. and Robert Helms of Islamorada, Captain Robert Collins took home to the winner’s circle with a total the High Point Captain Award. Junior angler Matthew Williams of Melbourne, FL won First Capt. Josh and Bassman Bill at Snooks. Burton Memorial Methodist Church singing Place Junior Angler in the 55th Annual Islamorada Sailfish Christmas carols at The Conch House. Tournament. Photo by Tim Rahn Potography. Elks Annual Kids’ Christmas a Success

The High Point Mate awards went Junior angler Matthew to Brandon Hopper and Dallas Williams of Melbourne, FL released Hopper. 2 sailfish fishing aboard Smile Priceless anglers Bernie Perez, Maker, earning him the First Place Coral Gables; Thomas Sims, Junior Angler trophy. A second Miami; Matthew Rodriguez, Cutler place junior trophy went to Daniel Bay; Manny Fernandez, Miami; Maduro of Miami, aboard the and A.J. Sepe, Coral Gables Mangler. Ryan Cano, also fishing Uncle Rico entertains at the Big Chill. The Rotary Club of Key Largo installed four new members to its new Rotary released 5 more fish on the last aboard the Mangler released 1 Satellite Club in December. Congrats to Nicole Blanche, Melissa Lopez, day landing them the Second sailfish and earned Third Place Lourdes Montagne and Sarah Masterson. Place Trophy, with a total of 12 Junior Angler award. released fish. Photos courtesy of Tim Rahn Anglers Josh Jackson, Temple, Photography. TX; Erik Ehlers, Islamorada; Jeremy Stigler, Rockdale, TX; Jake Turek, The Islamorada Sailfish Tourna- Islamorada; Tim Johnson, Rock- ment is the first leg of the Florida Keys dale, TX fishing aboard Cloud Gold Cup Sailfish Championship. Last Dance is currently in the lead with 14 Nine, captained by Greg Eklund, fish. Second place in the Gold Cup is finished with 12 sailfish releases Caribsea with 12 releases and third is The Florida Keys Elks Lodge in and end up in third place on time. Kalex with 10 releases. The next leg of Tavernier held the annual Top Lady Angler, Debbie the series is the Islamorada Fishing David of Miami, released a total Club’s Sailfish Tournament on January Children’s Christmas party on 24, 2019 and the champions will be of 4 Sailfish. Fishing aboard Relent- December 8th. Ninety-two crowned at the Cheeca Lodge little ones visited with Santa, less, she also earned the Most Presidential Sailfish Tournament Mrs. Claus & Elf, decorated Outstanding Catch Award with a January 26-27. For more info: KL Chamber of Commerce at the ribbon cutting for the grand re-opening of Key Largo Flowers and Gifts. cookies, watched the fantas- 65 lb Wahoo caught on 12 lb. test. islamoradasailfishtournament.com tic magic of Michael Trixx, enjoyed lunch, made a few Christmas crafts and went home with a goodie bag. Kids of all ages had pictures with Santa. At the right: with Santa are Landon and Coral Snyder. Above is is the Barreto family, Jenny Brooklyn and Autumn. Top row Steven, Dee Dee and Richard. Elks members Patty and Tim Hartnett were Mr. and Mrs. Claus and Hollis Krutulis was the Elf. This annual event is possible thru a grant from the Elks National Foundation. Toys for Tots at the American Legion Jam Night. Key Largo Women of the Moose hosted a Christmas party for MARC. Priceless anglers came in second place. 16 • The Coconut Telegraph • January 2019 January 2019 • The Coconut Telegraph • 17

The Mangrove Galley PORK, BLACK BEAN AND PEPPER CHILI Everyone Can Heal by Sandi Mieszczenski 2 ½ lbs. pork roast (inexpensive cut) We all have the ability to use our healing hands, Sandi’s recipes are featured here monthly. 2 10+ oz. cans chicken stock we only need our intention. For previous issues go to http://www.theconchtelegraph.com. 4 yellow peppers 4 sweet onions (3 large and 2 small) Touch is the first tool we turn 1 medium green pepper to when confronting pain. We 1 medium red pepper react similarly to a stubbed toe 3 cans of drained black beans and a broken heart, tenderly grasping the affected area. 2 Tbls. chopped garlic This need to apply physical 3 Tbls. cumin contact is part of the innate Cut the roast into ¾” cubes. Heat a large stock pot to medium high healing instinct present within with just enough oil to cover the bottom. Saute the garlic until each of us. We are all born with softened, then add 2 Tbls. of the pepper mix, and 2 Tbls. of the the ability to heal ourselves and cumin. Add the pork, mix thoroughly and brown. Add the chicken to heal others. Finally, a little cool weather and a perfect time for chili. Here’s a twist on a super bowl staple. stock and one small chopped onion. Bring to a boil then simmer with the top off until tender. Let the contents cool, remove the pork from Because healing energy does the broth and set aside. Clean and cube the four yellow peppers and not come from within but from Pepper Mix: the two large onions. Add to the stock and bring to a boil. Reduce outside our ourselves, the made a physical connection, Prepare a day ahead. Any extra stores well for future use. heat and simmer until the peppers are aldente. Add a small amount of energy is there for anyone to and your touch will help 4 jalapeño peppers water only if necessary. Let cool then pour the contents into a food use, and thus no formal training awaken the body's capacity 6 med. hot/sweet assorted peppers (long hots, arbol, cubanelle, etc.) processor or blender and add the remaining cumin. Puree until smooth is required. When you have the for self-healing. When handling raw hot peppers, be sure to wear hand protection! and return to the pot. Clean and chop the red and green peppers and intent to heal and love is your Slice peppers lengthwise then remove the stems and seeds. Place add to the mixture with the remaining chopped onion. Bring to a only motive, you become a The afflicted areas of the peppers skin side down on a foiled cookie sheet and roast until bubble then add the pork and the black beans. Simmer until warmed conduit for healing energy. body, which were initially crispy; about one to one and a half hours at 275 degrees. Turn the Through the simple laying on of tense or tight, will relax once oven off and let peppers cool in the oven. When cool; grind the through. Serve with a dollop of sour cream and extra pepper mix if peppers in a minichop or blender. more heat is desired. hands, you can direct that imbued with enough healing universal healing energy in energy. Not everybody is order to comfort those who are sensitive to subtle energy, so experiencing pain or distress. try not to feel like you aren't helping if you don't feel the COCONUT In performing healing energy flow. The work you are doing work, it is imperative that you is indeed helping. Finally, TELEGRAPH ground yourself both before thank the universe. Disconnect CLASSIFIED ADS you begin and afterward. The yourself from the person BUYING FOR SALE PERSONAL SERVICES CLUBS FOR SALE illnesses and issues others face being healed by speaking your can be absorbed into our intention to sever your SNOWMAN FOR SALE Fraternal Order Queen Box Spring WE BUY COINS SWF SEEKS COMPANION, House Cleaning energy field, and healing can connection and then wash your Used. Needs Repairs $10 my hobbies include long of the Eagles $1,000,000 No collection too large call Danielle meets every exhaust our own energy hands. scrolls down my phone, (Tavernier) 4 pm-10 pm or too small. We pay 1st and 3rd Monday,7pm reserves. Address the universe talking to my pets, binge 305-393-2728 at Elks Lodge, Tavernier. cash on the spot and watching Netix, singing in We just moved and couldn't directly, stating that you wish Understanding how energy we offer private the shower, staying in my pjs THE KEY PLAYERS fit this box spring up our to be a one-way channel works is less important than consultation in our too long, being tired all MUSICIANS Community Theater Group stairs, so now it is waiting for you in my office. location or yours. day...then not sleeping at WANTED needs volunteers to work through which healing energy consciously choosing to make night, drinking everything It's a Serta Perfect sleeper- Call Bill 305.942.0911. behind the scenes and flows through you and that use of it. Performing a loving but water, ordering stu Amateur & seasoned audition for roles! queen sized. your energy supply should not healing session on your loved online, reading about new musicians wanted! I set the price at $1,000,000 Buyers agent is thekeyplayers.org diets while eating cake, and e Keys Community because how can you put a be depleted. Next, speak your ones can be a wonderfully buying GARDEN CLUB OF THE making lists of things I will Concert Band price on the awesome dreams intention and place your hands intimate experience that Vintage Costume FOR SALE never do... 305-555-TEXT UPPER KEYS I've had on it? I've won the begins rehearsals for its new e Garden Club of the Upper Roller Derby, rescued Scarlett on the individual you are brings you closer together. Jewelry Active grandmother season in the fall. If you Genie Lamp Keys monthly meeting will be Johansson from evil alien endeavoring to heal. Call & leave msg. with original teeth seeking warlords and was named MVP Still has 2 wishes left! want to participate, call January 15, 11:00 am a dedicated flosser in the Super Bowl of a sport I And as the rejuvenating Live Daily Conch Shell Blowing 305-304-2837 I wished for a million more wishes 305-451-4530. to share rare steaks, at the Francis Tracy Garden so I don‛t need it anymore. dreamed up called "RUMBLE Let your intuition guide you to healing energy passes through corn on the cob and Center (mm 94 bayside). 305-555-WISH BALL." If that isn't worth a the afflicted area and imagine you, it can awaken a profound GET CLASSIFIED caramel candy. VESSEL SAFETY Susan Kolterman will speak on million bucks, I don't know LOCALS’ FAVORITE 305-555-BITE landscaping for birds and what is. a healing white light being compassion within you that $10 per col. inch e USCG Auxiliary conducts JOBS butteries. Visitors are always But hey - I'm a realist - 1 drawn in through the top of helps you better understand per month! vessel safety checks at Bayside Grill: Keyribbean Kooking & Kocktails ways welcome. Our meetings, would be willing to knock your head and emanating the interactions between the (generous 1.88 column width) Wanted: someone to hold my Blackwater Sound Marina, workshops and special events something off the price if open 11:30am-10pm • www.keylargo-baysidegrill.com Bold Listing $12./inch per mo. hand as I enter the grocery MM 103.8 Bayside, every third provide education and you're willing to come and pick through your hands. The energy spiritual, physical, and mental MUST BE PAID IN ADVANCE Saturday of the month. information on the fun of it up. How about does $20 will begin to flow once you have selves. store. It's just the beginning sound? Hurry up, before I BestBest LiveLive MusicMusic ScheduleSchedule inin KeyKey LargoLargo Classied Display Space $15/inch. e Public is Welcome. gardening in the Keys. Visit remember more super Drop off your ad and payment at part of the store that scares our website for upcoming More info: 305-998-8400 awesome dreams and change Entertainment calendar at keylargo-baysidegrill.com me, then I'm okay. I’ll pay programs and events. The UPS STORE my mind. Reprinted from DailyOM - Inspirational thoughts for a happy, 101425 Overseas Highway, you in groceries. Classified ads will not be Come grow with us! Next to Publix at Tradewinds No you're not dreaming ... yet! healthy and fulfilling day. Register for free at www.dailyom.com accepted without payment. 305-451-3380 • MM 99.5 Bayside, behind Cafe Largo Questions? Call 305•304•2837. 305-555-PUBX gardenclubupperkeys.org Call 305-555-DRMS 18 • The Coconut Telegraph • January 2019 January 2019 • The Coconut Telegraph • 19

LOCAL’S FAVORITE! EXERCISE FOR THE NEW YEAR Best-kept secret for over 30 years! Begin by standing on a com- fortable surface, where you FRIDAY FISH FRY have plenty of room at each side. ALL YOU CAN EAT With a 5-lb potato bag in each $13.95 hand, extend your arms Top Ten New Years Resolutions 5-9 PM • Beverage Included straight out from your sides Many people online are recognizing their limitations this year. If your new year's resolution is to and hold diem there as long as simply keep your head above the water in 2019, you're in good company. —DAILY SPECIALS— you can. Try to reach a Served ‘til 2PM Daily minute, and then relax. My new years resolu- My new year‛s resolu- My new year's resolu- Each day you'll find that you tion this year is to finally tion is to be a more posi- tion is to stop hanging out can hold this position for just throw away those three tive, better person... and to with people who ask me a bit longer. Keys Eating at Its Finest... empty Dominos boxes wear more fake eyelashes. about my New Year's Overlooking the Water After a couple of weeks, move sitting in the bottom of my My new year‛s resolu- resolutions. MM 103.5 • Oceanside up to 10-Ib potato bags.Then fridge. This was my resolu- tion is for someone else to My new year‛s resolu- (Transylvania Ave. to the End) try 50-lb potato bags and tion last year, too, but pay my rent every month. tion is to take more naps. Open 7 Days a Week - 6 AM to 2 PM eventually try to get to where 2019 feels like a year for (What do you mean that‛s My new year‛s resolu- Friday Nights 5-9 PM • 305-451-0128 you can lift a 100-lb change. not how it works?) tion is to get really into D E potato bag in each hand and hold your Committing to wearing No divorces in 2018. essential oils and then arms straight for pajamas 24/7 is something Since I am not currently make sure I bring up the more than a full I can get behind. And, it's married, this one should be fact that I‛m really into minute. not a big leap for me. Since pretty easy to keep unless essential oils in every After you feel I work from home, some- I end up drinking a whole conversation I have until confident at times I go weeks without mini bar in Vegas like Ross the end of time. that level, put a out washing any clothes and Rachel. New year‛s resolution: potato in each that have zippers or but- Remember to take my stop putting lol after every bag. tons. meds. Look, a purple dragon! text I send.. lol. D

“Year’s end is neither an end nor a beginning, but a going on, with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us.” Hal Borland

American Legion Post 333 - Key Largo VFW Members Welcome! New! Happy Hour Prices: 4-7pm daily NFL Sundays VIDEO DAVE'S WATCH ALL MONDAY NIGHT Most popular Jam in Town! THE GAMES AT THE MOVIES JAM NIGHT Thursdays 6 to 9 pm with The Taylor King Band and Friends 7:00 PM - FREE! Find Us on Facebook: Jam night at the American Legion 333 Seven TVs 2 Seagate Blvd.• MM 99.6 • Key Largo • 305-451-0307 • www.legionpost333.org 20 • The Coconut Telegraph • January 2019 January 2019 • The Coconut Telegraph • 21

Garden Club of the Upper Keys MY BODY The Apology You've Longed For your ability to have satisfy- IS A TEMPLE by Dawn Wiggins, Ed.S. ing relationships. It's creat- ANCIENT AND ing conflict, both inside and CRUMBLING outside of you. GARDEN CLUB You know that feeling of do you put into taking your OF THE UPPER KEYS desperately wanting the own inventory? How much So, heal your hurt and PROBABLY CURSED heal your relationships. That OR HAUNTED other person to apologize. effort do you put into facing Susan Kolterman will be the To admit what they did your struggles and working person you are struggling to guest speaker at the Garden feel loved by, the one who Club of the Upper Keys wrong and understand how on them - consistently? hasn't apologized; they have monthly meeting they have hurt you. To see After all, you want the folks pains. They also want to feel January 15 your side of things, change around you to be consistent; at 11:00 am their opinion and agree with don't you? loved and valued. We don't always have to understand at Francis Tracy Garden Center you. I'm talking about your 94040 Overseas Hwy. Because if they did, the blind spots, your wounds, each other. The goal is to (mm 94 bayside). pain and obsessive thinking the things you'd rather not learn how to accept each Things I have in common other. with the Victoria’s Secret e presentation will be on would stop. The face. Landscaping for Dawn Wiggins, Ed.S. Acceptance is a form of models: heartache/rage/regret You're not alone. I have Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Birds and Butter ies would go. You would feel them too — those pesky reckoning. It's an acknowl- Boca Raton • Key Largo • Online 1. Being hungry All are welcome. better and finally have some insecurities, bad habits, and edgment I don't have con- gardenclubupperkeys.org 561- 221-5575 trol. It's the realization I peace. imperfections. They cause 99353 Overseas Hwy #16 Except, they don't seem me to get in my own way, fall can solve my problems with- Key Largo, Florida 33037 out making someone else to get it. And you're tired. off the rails and sabotage www.dawnwigginstherapy.com I get it. People are my success. responsible. You've seen Business in the Keys tricky, and relationships can So when I catch myself this in every drama series or trying to control other be very disappointing. wanting to change someone movie - ever. Making some- The Conch Republic service parts accessories people is like being on a one else pay for their sins COCONUT TELEGRAPH Al s Carpet We are MORE complete machine shop But let me ask you some- else, I remind myself that it Independently Owned Local Newspaper hamster wheel - working never resolves your pain. It ’ than just Carpet! welding & fabrication thing. 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How can you do the love. 24-HR RAY SERVICE Larry‛s Mobile RV Service same? By getting to the I'm no Pollyanna. Sure, Many women are afraid of cement floor is just perfect. Serving the Upper Keys bottom of your hurt. I'm relatively optimistic, 31 Years Experience • Licensed and Insured their first mammogram, but Take off all your clothes and Rejected, unloved, misun- but I'm also a pragmatist. I 630-460-7676 there is no need to worry. By lie comfortably on the floor Commercial & Residential • State Certified Contractor derstood, unimportant or am a solution-oriented CFC057546 / Licensed & Insured Larry Zinser taking a few minutes each day with one breast wedged under [email protected] wounded by someone else's dreamer. I want to know CERTIFIED MASTER PLUMBER SPECIALIST for a week preceding the exam the rear tire of the car. Ask a [email protected] actions. 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EXERCISE ONE: Freeze two metal book- Omar Perez Salvation Army Family Store Renovations HOUSEHOLD AND COMMERCIAL PEST CONTROL Seacoast Engineering & Design Open your refrigerator ends overnight. Strip to the [email protected] MM 99 Bayside SHOP • DONATE E-Commerce door and insert one breast in waist. Wait 30 minutes. Now, 305.453.4281 Key Largo, FL 33037 • 305.509.7695 • fax 305.509.7635 Key Largo Maintenance www.upperkeys.net CHRIS SANTE BOX 373006, MM 100 1/2 [email protected] • Seacoast Engineering and Design on Facebook door. Shut as hard as possible invite a stranger into the Owner KEY LARGO, FLORIDA 33037 and lean on the door for good room. Press the bookends measure. Hold that position against one of your breasts. for five seconds. Repeat again Smash the book ends together LUNCH $1 Sushi all the time! in case the first time wasn't as hard as you can. Set up an 11:30-3 (Mon.-Fri.) Special Dinner Menu effective enough. appointment with the stranger starting at $6.99 (5-7:30pm) DINNER to meet next week and do it 5-10 Lunch Specials from $5.95 (Every Day) Private Room Available EXERCISE TWO: again. Voted Best Asian Food Visit your garage at 3 AM 305-451-5955 15 years in a row. [email protected] when the temperature of the YOU ARE NOW TOTALLY READY!! 103200 Overseas Hwy, Key Largo, MM 103 Bayside CARTOON BY RODNEY NELSON Visit the store, or call 305-872-5744 for prompt and courteous pickup 22 • The Coconut Telegraph • January 2019 January 2019 • The Coconut Telegraph • 23

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his Coco‘Nut’ Funnies How do I like client. Hot and Cold MY EGGS? “I have some good news, and I have After his exam the doctor asked some bad news.” the elderly man: “You appear to be in good health. Do you have The art collector replied, “I’ve had any medical concerns you would an awful day. Give me the good like to ask me about?” news first.” “In fact, I do,” said the old man. The lawyer said, “Well, I met with “After I have sex with my wife, I your wife today, and she informed am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the me that she just invested $5,000 in second time, I am usually hot and two pictures that she thinks will sweaty.” In a cake! bring a minimum of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could “Later, after examining the man’s elderly wife, the doctor said, “Ev- be right.” erything appears to be fine. Do I HaVe A ToN Of you have any medical concerns Saul replied enthusiastically, “Well that you would like to discuss with ExCiTeMeNt In My LiFe. done! My wife is a brilliant busi- me?” nesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the She replied that she had no ques- Cletus & Billy Bob tions or concerns. The doctor then bad news. What is it?” said to her: “Your husband had an I used to call it stress, Cletus is passing by Billy unusual concern. He claims that but I feel much better Bob’s hay barn one day when, The lawyer replied, “The pictures he is usually cold and chilly after now that I call it through a gap in the door, he are of you and your secretary.” having sex with you the first time, excitement. Thank you Trader Dick! and then hot and sweaty after the sees Billy Bob doing a slow and second time. Do you know why? sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere. “Oh that crazy old fart,” she re- plied. “That’s because the first time Buttocks clenched, he is usually in January and the sec- performs a slow pirouette, ond time is in August.” and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, ABOUT THE CARTOONIST, RODNEY NELSON: After coming followed by the left. He then to the Keys many times, he moved here in 1969 at age 11. He hunches his shoulders forward tried different jobs before becoming a full-time artist in his and in a classic striptease late twenties. He enjoys the versatility it requires to survive as move, lets his overalls fall an artist in such a small community, and does airbrushing to glass down to his hips, revealing a etching; cartoons to fine art. torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flour- Whoever came up with the ish, he tears the T-shirt from word “dentures”really missed his body, and hurls his base- the opportunity “When a man steals your wife, ball cap onto a pile of hay. to call them there is no better revenge than to Having seen enough, Cletus let him keep her. ” rushes in and says, “What the SUBSTITOOTHS King David world’re ya doing, Billy Bob?” “After marriage, husband and wife “Good grief, Cletus, ya become two sides of a coin; they scared the bejeebers out of Thanks to Ted Ellis just can’t face each other, but still me,” says an obviously embar- they stay together. ” rassed Billy Bob. Sasha Guitry “But me ‘n’ the wife been If really good-looking havin trouble lately in the Life has never given me lemons. “Some people ask the secret of our people are “eye candy” long marriage. We take time to go bedroom d’partment, and the It has given me anger issues, I guess that puts me to a restaurant two times a week. A therapist suggested I do little candlelight, dinner, soft music something sexy to a tractor.” anxiety attacks, a love for alcohol somewhere around the and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I (Don’t make us come ‘splain this to “eye broccoli” category. go Fridays.” you! Read the last line again, slowly.) and a serious dislike for idiots. Red Skelton Thank you Trader Dick! 24 • The Coconut Telegraph • January 2019

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Michael Trixx 8pm

Free Fresh new Happy Hour Entertainment music, 4-7 pm at Gilbert’s, never a only at cover charge! Gilbert's!

STEREOTOMY THE REGS Sunday, Jan. 13 1-6pm Sunday, Jan. 27 1-6pm

ECLIPSE MR. NICE GUY Sunday, Jan. 6 1-6pm Sun., Dec. 16, 1-6 pm