page 3 WARNING! Nakedness at Prof Lord Robert Winston talks to Felix Freshers’ Fair page 5

Mirah brings her show to the Buzzard

page 10

FREE No 1329 Thursday 6 OCTOBER 2005 The student newspaper of Imperial College felixonline.co.uk

felixImperial – third Free sports centre academically,15th for entertainment? Yu Lun Tang due to ease of transportation and News Editor access to round-the-clock ameni- ties.

New University ratings place Finalist not Satsified Imperial third academically and A Sunday Times survey judging fiftteen for entertainment. What do the satsifaction of final-year stu- Imperial, Oxford, Cambridge and dents has rated Imperial in the LSE all have in common? According bottom ten. to The Times Good University The survey found that students Guide, academically they are the at campus-based Univerisities top four UK Universities. were more satsified, including Oxford topped the league, with the University of East Anglia and Cambridge in second place, Imperial Loughborough. came a close third, with 958 points However, the validility of the 22- compared to Cambridge’s 983. question survey is brought into Surprisingly, in a separate enter- question as many students boy- tainemnt league Imperial has been cotted the survey. Students from ranked fifteenth. LSE tops the Oxford, Cambridge, Warwick and league, followed by King’s College Scottish univeristies did not par- and Bath. ticipate. The league table is based on the In stark contrast to the results social services available to stu- of the entertainment survey eight dents. Factors include the prox- of the bottom ten are in London. imity of shops, pubs, off-licences, Students widely agree that the; night clubs, discos, fancy dress extortionate rent, highcrime rates, hire , pizza delivery and takeaway long commutes and the need to outlets. take part-time jobs affected their These criteria may explain why retrospective view of university Tubbies beware! The new sports centre as it stands and [insert] an artists impression of the finished centre. Imperial rates more highly than life. most Imperial students would One student, who owes £15,000 Rupert Neate expense is not sport related, the total offer many sport classes, such as expect. Imperial is in London, but admits the course was excel- Editor spend on sport is £12m. No expense martial arts and aerobics. and as such is close to a plethora lent stated that; “if I were start- is being spared in the construction Every user, no matter how experi- of entertainment services. The ing again next September, when of the centre and the equipment it enced, will have to undergo an induc- league, compiled by Yell.com, rates students pay £3,000 fees a year, I When Imperial’s new ‘state-of-the- will house. tion session before they are allowed all London Univeristies highly might go elsewhere”. art’ sports complex opens in January Neil Mosley believes that the new to use the equipment. Mosley does 2006 students will be able to certain centre “will rival, if not out-com- recognise that it will take along time services free. pete all sports centres in the area to induct all students and staff and According to Neil Mosley, Head - public and private”. The centre will will be drafting in extra staff to quell of Sport and Leisure, Imperial is be equipped with Fitlinxx personal anticipated frustrations. Induction spending more on sport than any computerised fitness equipment. will also cost £7. Cracking start to Freshers’ week other British university. This equipment will recognise you The centre was initially scheduled Rupert Neate boring questions ‘which course are Imperial staff and students will every time you come to work-out to open at the start of this academ- you doing’, ‘which hall are you in’ be able to use the gym and swim and set your individual program. ic year, but was delayed as piling and ‘what did you get in your A- for free for the remainder of this The centre will also house a multi- into the existing foundations of the A new cohort of freshers’ started levels’. academic year. Imperial is the only purpose sports hall, climbing hall, old 1960s centre took longer than at Imperial this week, and the “big- Saturday night was the Union’s University in the country to offer squash courts, dance studio, sports expected. This was compounded by gest piss-up of your life” got off to first oppurtunity to wow freshers these services for free. injury clinic and juice bar. The ground water flooding of the squash a great start at the union on Satur- with the ‘amazing’ nights it has However, it is as yet uncertain sports hall will be the size of five courts. day night. planned. The experience freshers’ whether the centre will remain free badminton courts and will come the Simon Matthews, Deputy Anxious young freshers started have this week ‘make-or-break’ after the first trial year. Also the National Centre of Excellence for President (Clubs & Societies) said: arriving at halls of residence at for the Union. If the Union makes centre may open to local residents, Badminton. “This stunning building with fan- 7am Saturday morning. Saturday a good impression this week it will who would no doubt be very keen to These additional facilities will not tastic facilities will be well worth was doubtless spent in nervous doubtless afffect their decisions on use this excellent facility. be free to use, but will be “competi- waiting for”. conversation with other freshers. where to go out in the future. The new Ethos centre will cost tively priced to encourage involve- Everyone must be sick and tired £17.5m, although some of the ment in sport”. The centre will also Leader, page 19 of asking/answering the standard Comment, pages 14-15

1-2.indd 1 5/10/05 1:53:58 pm felix 2 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 6 October 2005

NEWS [email protected] 1,329 felix Global warming could NZ University Thursday 06.10.05 unleash virus epidemic takes student newspaper to Yu Lun Tang warming issue. Demo Reviews: New News Editor Scientists believe that during the music – we love it freezing process, organisms such court “Are you sick and tired of hearing as fungi, bacteria and viruses may Victoria University has won a that the only things that Imperial Rising sea levels and unpredictable have been incorporated into the ice court order stopping publication guys can hold onto are their cal- weather are not the only dangers sheets. As ancient glaciers and ice of Salient, the university’s student culators? And that our sense of posed by global warming. Scientists sheets melt, illnesses and viruses magazine. Wellington High Court humour leaves a lot to be desired? this week warn that viruses frozen could potentially be unleashed. Not issued an injunction on Friday in an I am. ” Page 11 u in ice for thousands of years may only humans, but other animals, attempt to prevent the publication thaw and be released into a commu- plants and marine creatures are of a proposed article on student fees How frogs could help nity unequipped to combat them. susceptible to the release of such next year. The matter arose when with diabetes treatment Few, apart from American politi- organisms. Salient contacted the university to “Most people know diabetes stems cans deny the potential environment Geoffrey Smith, head of the virol- discuss documents it had received from the body’s inability to produce problems posed by global warming. ogy department at Imperial College detailing student fees for the com- insulin. Less well-known is that The research, including the increas- London routinely “keeps viruses at ing year. Muslim are soft targets insulin is a key stimulator of cell ing snowless season are indusput- minus 80°C, when we want to store Emily Braunstein, Salient Editor, “What is an extremist? Am I an growth” Page 6 u able. them... so viruses can certainly sur- described the move as “ridiculous extremist? I’m Muslim. Everyone is Now this new fear, of release of vive freezing”. However, he explains and absurdly extreme measure. The telling me that this is fine. If I were age-old viruses against which we that not all viruses are functional on university is making decisions that old and wise I would remember the will have no natural defences, adds freezing, as they are “often fragile to affect students enormously and is early 1950s, a time when every loyal increased emphasis to the global processes such as freeze-thaw”. trying to sweep it under the carpet. member of the United States would We just don’t think that’s fair. The execute their patriotism by making stupid thing is all they’re doing is sure that no slither of socialism creating (more) hype.” was present in their family, friends, A university spokesperson said neighbours and in fact anyone they the university was forced to take out knew.” Pa ge 14 u the injunction as Salient “had docu- ments they were not entitled to have in their possession”. Braunstein is said to be planning This Week to stick posters up around the cam- News 2 The Union 16 pus telling students that Salient Leader/Letters 15 Columns 14 hadn’t been printed because “the Science 6 Coffee Break 17 Vice-Chancellor doesn’t want you to Film 21 Agony Aunt/Horoscopes 8 1 read what’s in it” Music 10 Sport 19 Media 9 Crossword 20 Careers advisers launch new Sudoku No 1329 service E-mail your Rising sea levels might not be all we have to worry about. The Careers Advisory Service has solution to coffee. 2 3 introduced two new initiatives for felix@imperial. the coming year. ac.uk by Monday 1 7 JobLive is a new web based 10 October. The searchable database of vacancies first correct aimed specifically at Imperial stu- solution wins 8 1 3 TV license: Pay up or get done dents and graduates. Registering either a 128MB How do you know that an Imperial an average of over 1,000 licence fee with the system allows you to input USB stick or a 1 9 6 student is turned on? You use detec- evaders each day. If caught, stu- a profile of the type of vacancy you crate of beer. tion equipment! dents could risk a trip to court and a are interested in, industry sector, Apologies about 2 4 5 7 TV Licensing tells students there’s fine of up to £1,000, plus court costs. type of job and geographical area. last week’s nothing funny about being caught They will also still have to get a You will then receive email alerts Sudoku, which without a licence. It is the beginning licence if they need one. A colour TV every time a new vacancy is added to was impossible 3 7 4 of the University year, and for many licence currently costs £126.50. the database. Opportunities include to complete. students starting at Imperial, the Students can easily purchase their full time graduate jobs, placements, 7 6 1 start of a whole range of new expe- licence online at www.tvlicensing. internships, work experience, vol- We need riences; including organising their co.uk/students and choose from a untary work and casual/part time puzzle setters finances and paying their own bills. number of ways to pay, including jobs. In addition there is a search- – please e-mail 7 5 However, TV Licensing is offering Direct Debit. Currently, over 12 mil- able employer directory allowing felix@imperial. students some good(ish) news: if lion customers pay for their colour you to research details of poten- ac.uk 8 4 they buy their TV licence before the TV licence by Direct Debit. tial employers. Go to www.imperial. end of October, they may be egilible If you purchase your TV licence in ac.uk/careers to find out more. for a refund of over £30 at the end October 2005, and you don’t need it of the year. Students could use the for July, August and September 2006, Engineering Career Fair cash to buy a budget airline round- you could be eligible for a refund of On 19 October Imperial College trip ticket for that end of studies £31.62. Veronica King, NUS Vice- will hold its first ever Engineering break. President Welfare said: “Students Career Fair. It will be held from All students who use or install tel- have never been poorer and every lit- 11.00am to 15.00pm in the Tanaka Staff evision equipment, such as PCs with tle helps. Call TV Licensing as soon Business School Foyer and the broadcast cards, set-top boxes, DVD as possible to make sure you will be Mechanical Engineering Foyer Editor Food Editor or video-recorders, to receive or able to apply for your refund.” With 30 stands taken this is a great Rupert Neate Hannah Theodorou record television programme serv- For further information on the way to find out more about opportu- ices, are legally required to have a many easy ways to pay and nities in engineering across a wide Deputy Editor Arts Editor TV licence. concessions available visit www. variety of engineering disciplines. (Science) Emily Lines Nicky Barrett, Student Campaign tvlicencing.co.uk/students or call Students from all year groups are Alexander Antonov Manager for TV Licensing said: 0870 242 1417. welcome to attend. Coffee Break Editor Fashion Editor “Being caught without a TV licence News Editor Shaun Stanworth Dolly Delanay is no joke, which is why we’re urging Yu Lun Tang Imperial students to get a licence Correction Film Editor Media Editor now”. She told Felix that “Enquiry Music Editor Yuen Ai Lee James Yearsley Officers and detector vans are going In last week’s Felix, No 1328, in Andrew Sykes to be checking up on student univer- ‘Students UNITED in worry’ we sity accommodation throughout the stated that Holloway Prison was UK, so students should seriously a stone’s throw from Piccadilly Felix, Beit Quad, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB. Telephone 020 7594 8072. Fax 020 think about getting a TV licence now Court. In fact, the prison is 7594 8115. Printed by Sharman & Co Ltd, Newark Road, Peterborough PE1 5TD. No. 1,329, so they can avoid a fine.” Pentonville. Thursday 6 October 2005. Registered newspaper ISSN 1040-0711. Copyright © Felix 2005 Last year, TV Licensing caught Watch Out – They are about.

1-2.indd 2 5/10/05 1:45:46 pm felix Thursday 6 October 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 3 Prof. Lord Robert Winston

Imperial’s own TV star talks to Felix about why he wants to get more involved with undergraduate teaching, the role of the media in science and how his trousers falling down launched his TV career. OBERT WINSTON has revolutionised the way Gunther Von Hagens the plastination professor, he shot back reckon they can see you all the time.” science is portrayed on television. No longer “do you regard him as a scientist?” Winston himself has his He is very keen to take up a new chair in science and society is science restricted to Channel 4 Learning or reservations: he regards him more as a “travelling showman at Imperial. “In my view one of the problems with this mod- late night BBC2: his recent collaboration with – quite a good travelling showman”. Prof Winston questions ern science university is that it doesn’t teach communication Casualty attracted 7.3 million viewers at prime whether people really “watch him because they want to learn enough. I don’t think it teaches a whole lot of things I think we time on BBC1. about anatomy” and wonders “if they learn anything about should be teaching – the nature of science, ethics, and risk.” RJust one of the many highly complimentary comments on the how their bodies work”. “I would like to see the university doing much more in [terms show’s website said: “I was expecting this to be a quite tedious Lord Winston regards it as “hugely voyeuristic”, but wonders of] having ethics inbuilt into undergrad teaching...communica- episode, but the fluidity of his performance and interactivity “what makes him tick: his facial expressions are bizarre and tion is an essential role for the scientist today.” was quite impressive to say the least.” he wears a hat while he’s doing dissections.” “The irony of Imperial is that it’s got some really good courses Professor Winston has produced numerous highly success- While other scientists regard Von Hagens’ work as mor- in science and the media, but they’re mostly postgraduate not ful TV series, including The Human Body, The Secret Life ally reprehensible, Winston is not quite so damning. However, undergraduate. I think there’s a need for more undergraduate of Twins, Superhuman and Child of Our Time. His cheerful although he “wouldn’t want to do it, I expect I would do a bet- involvement. Course organisers will always say that it means demeanour and trademark moustache are now well recog- ter job if I did”. He believes there is a place for anatomy on TV extending the course or that they can’t teach the curriculum. nised across Britain. But he says his success is due to luck, at and cites Jonathan Miller’s A Body in Question dissection as I would argue that communication is too vital a part of being a least in part: “I feel very privileged. The biggest thing I’ve had “powerful, non-voyeuristic, highly engaging TV”. scientist today for it to be ignored. The implications for society in my career is luck; I’ve been in the right places at the right and the risks and advantages of commercial development – it’s times and I’ve had the right people to help.” His ‘big break’ all very important.” occurred through a bit of a ‘Judy Finnigan at the BAFTAs’ “It’s a hard thing to introduce, but it gives you more wisdom episode: “My trousers fell down while I was doing a televised “My trousers fell down while I about the science. It gives you the notion of the university cesarean section; I’ve been hooked with TV ever since.” being responsible for thinking about the role of science in soci- Winston is one of a select number of scientists that have was I doing a televised ety. The science we do doesn’t belong to us; it’s all funded succeeded in conveying complex scientific ideas to the public through the public, so the public own the science. People are in an engaging manner. But he does not agree with the “grum- reluctant to accept that but it’s true.” bling within the scientific community” over the lack of quality Caesarean section” Winston has “missed not having more contact with the coverage of science issues in the media. In fact, he used his “Women can’t have it all” – British Medical Journal undergraduate body. Undergrads are in many ways much recent presidential address to the British Association for the A recent report in the BMJ stated that women should not more interesting.” So it appears that if Prof. Winston has his Advancement of Science to “argue that we actually have a wait until their late thirties to have children. It said that the way Imperial undergrads may be lucky enough to have him as pretty good, fairly scientifically-literate press.” He continues availability of IVF may encourage women to postpone preg- a lecturer. “we have some of the best science journalists in the world”. nancy. While talking about the rumours that Imperial may stop He agrees with the view that the media does to some extent Winston thought that the “authors were trying to have it both teaching undergraduates he said: “it would be a terribly nega- heighten public mistrust of technology. But he also believes ways. I thought the authors were a bit poorly focussed. They tive step...I think it would be a very impoverished university that “we should be more aware that there is actually a very were trying to say they weren’t preaching, but they were telling without them. You could argue that it would no longer be a good reason that people should mistrust technology: it is quite people to have babies earlier. I don’t think that is an acceptable university, more a research institute.” But he does not believe threatening. What we haven’t recognised as scientists is that approach: we need to be much more subtle. the rumours are true. mistrust is a natural aspect of our society.” I don’t think you can tell women when they’re in their late Surprisingly, given that most scientists yearn for more and thirties that they need to have a baby now as they might regret What next for Lord Winston? more science on TV, Winston believes that in fact “we don’t it later. It’s wrong. It’s not actually how life works. I feel our Although Prof. Winston has just officially announced his do too badly, we probably do proportionately better than other colleagues at another university south of the river are peddling retirement he is currently conducting research into transgenic countries. And the quality isn’t bad either.” rather simplistic arguments. pigs. The goal of the work, which involves modifying pig genes He has found it “more difficult to work with the Discovery using novel methods, is to eventually produce organs that Channel recently, as they are looking more and more to dumb- Teaching at Imperial might be used in human transplantation. down the science we want to produce. We want to be much Winston bemoans the fact that he rarely has the opportu- He has a new book and television series coming out soon more challenging with the science. They don’t want to chal- nity to teach undergraduate students: “they [Imperial College] called The Story of God. He believes that God and science can lenge their audience.” don’t wheel me out to teach undergraduates, and I’d like to, coexist, as explained in his book. He complains that audiences in America, where he “might really. I give the odd talk, but don’t do a lot of undergraduate “There’s a place for a story of creation. Evolution is as close get one or two million” viewers, are much smaller proportion- teaching.” to being proved as we can have it. But that doesn’t necessarily ately compared to the UK where he “generally gets more than He does regularly tour schools and universities, and finds it nullify the biblical account of things.” 5m viewers”. “funny that when I go to other universities around the country Rupert Neate I talk to absolutely full lecture theatres. I get bigger audi- Radical Scientists ences in places like Exeter, Warwick or Aberdeen than I do The Story of God is published 17 October When I asked him his view of radical scientists, such as at Imperial in London. I suppose when you’re at home people The TV series begins in December on the BBC

Roxy Gousler-Piggott, 19 Luke Taylor, 21 Civil Engineering (2nd Year) & Aeronautics (2nd Year)

A big, warm welcome to all the freshers from Roxy and Luke on behalf of the IC Hockey and IC Rugby Clubs

Think you’re better looking?

Pose here. We would like to feature page 3 every week. All you have to do is e-mail us at felix@imperial. ac.uk. Girls and Boys please.

Page3.indd 1 5/10/05 1:29:12 am felix 6 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 6 October 2005

science [email protected] Of flies and frogs Short Sonja van Renssen introduces recent work in fly genetics and transport proteins that could lead to new treatments targets for cancer and diabetes Cuts he’s into flies. He prefers normal fly will make it grow bigger. Tenth planet’s new moon frogs. Her expertise lies in Observing how the human trans- Astronomers have found that genetics, his, in the biol- porters function in a frog egg will the tenth planet in the solar ogy of transport proteins. provide direct evidence of how they system has a moon at least Although they work in manage a cell’s interaction with its a tenth of its size. This will veryS different fields, Dr Deborah environment. enable scientists to determine Goberdhan and Dr David Meredith precisely the weight of both occupy neighbouring labs and share celestial objects, which have an office at Oxford University’s “Most people know been humorously nicknamed Department of Human Anatomy and Xena and Gabrielle, after a Genetics. Two years ago, a chance diabetes stems from television warrior princess and encounter in the tearoom sparked her companion. a unique collaboration that came of the body’s inability age in May with the publication in to produce insulin. Darwin in court Development of a paper that opens Evolutionary biology took the up new treatment possibilities for Less well-known is stand last week as the trial of cancer and diabetes. Kitzmiller et al. vs. Dover Area The molecule linking these two that insulin is a key School District got under way apparently distinct diseases is insu- stimulator of cell growth” in the District Court. The case lin. Most people know that diabe- was brought by 11 parents of tes stems from the body’s inability the 3,700-student school district to produce or respond to insulin to As cancer and diabetes continue in eastern Pennsylvania who use sugars. Less well-known is that to extend their grip on the world’s took exception to the school insulin is also a key stimulator of cell population, understanding how board’s decision to tell pupils growth. Research has shown that Frogs may not be the most obvious of friends but are worth exploring. these transporters regulate insu- that evolutionary theory has many different types of tumour cell lin’s effects on growth may create “gaps”. are abnormally sensitive to insu- are channels that sit in the mem- acids around them, but Goberdhan valuable new treatment targets. lin. With her 1998 discovery that brane of a cell and move molecules and Meredith are the first to pin- While acknowledging that clini- Brain disconnects during sleep a gene called PTEN (pronounced across; amino acids are the building point the transporters involved. cal applications are still some way Giulio Tononi of the University P-10) keeps cell growth in check, blocks of proteins. Explaining what Guided by gene sequences known off, Goberdhan and Meredith are of Wisconsin, Madison, has Goberdhan offered an explanation: is so special about these transport- to represent human transporters, optimistic. “We’ve identified these found that different areas of PTEN controls how sensitive cells ers, Goberdhan says, “They are par- Goberdhan identified a set of fly transporters, potential regulators of the cerebral cortex stop com- are to insulin and is mutated in near- ticularly attractive because they can genes whose over-expression led to growth, which can affect cancer and municating during non-REM ly all human cancers. act at the cell surface, which makes dramatic growth. When Meredith diabetes, and we’re actually working sleep. Tononi has spent years A feverish search for other genes them more amenable to treatment injected these genes into a frog with a clinician at the hospital who developing a theory that involved in insulin-dependent growth with drugs or changes in diet”. It egg, he observed transporters of a is currently screening these genes equates consciousness with ensued. Many have been found, but is not inconceivable that a future type whose function is unknown in in people with diabetes”, explains the integration of informa- none offer the treatment potential cancer patient could alter his protein humans. Goberdhan. The researchers hope tion. Communication between of Goberdhan and Meredith’s recent or fatty acid intake to slow down the The next stage is to test whether to pursue a similar line of investiga- regions of the cortex might find. They have identified a class of effects of his disease. the human equivalents can restore tion with cancer patients. Flies and be one sign of this integration amino acid transporters uniquely able It has been known for some time growth in flies whose own transport- frogs may not be the most obvious of – and of consciousness. to enhance a cell’s response to insu- that cells’ sensitivity to insulin is er has been knocked out. Or whether friends, but they are clearly a rela- lin and drive growth. Transporters influenced by the levels of amino adding a human transporter to a tionship worth exploring.

This month at the Dana Centre I, science Sunday 16 October Meeting of Minds A debate on the future of brain science. Make your views known to British and European policy-makers.

Expand your mind for Tuesday 18 October, 7.30pm FREE, right next to Imperial Punk Science: Aliens College’s South Kensington An explosive fusion of Ed- campus. inburgh style stand-up and bridging the divide serious science lecture sci-art Controversial issues dis- cussed in a thought-provok- Wednesday 19 October, 7pm ing, frank and entertaining Dinner@Dana: What Darwin way. can’t explain Can Darwin’s master theory Tues day 11 October, 7pm explain how exploding ter- Al ien Evolution mites came about? A discussion of how life might evolve on other En quiries and bookings: planets with speakers from [email protected] T. 020 7942 4040 the Channel 4 documentary E. [email protected] Extraterrestrial.

Drawing by Michael Whittle, RCA

science.indd 2 5/10/05 12:40:01 am Experience it all.

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JPMorgan is a marketing name of JPMorgan Chase & Co. and its subsidiaries worldwide. ©2005 JPMorgan Chase & Co. All rights reserved. JPMorgan is an equal opportunities employer. V1-264x350:Project2 23/9/05 15:43 Page 1 felix Thursday 6 October 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 9

[email protected] media IC Radio Loisastoic Evans explains whattv being - a part be of Imperial’s a tv stationpart is all about of it ... Th is Week Liquid Lunch – Weekdays 12-2pm

This week on Liquid Lunch it’s all about dogs and dates.

Dogs because Martin was at the premiere to Wallace & Two years ago I knew noth- Gromit: The Curse of the Were- ing about television broadcasting, Rabbit. You’ll be able to hear except that it helped having a tel- the interviews he got with the evision set if you wanted to see any- likes of Nick Park (director), Peter thing. Last year, I was involved in Sallis (the voice of Wallace) and creating a short documentary that Ralph Fiennes (the villain of the was broadcast on national televi- movie) on air. Plus there are sion. And there is no denying it, it photos available on the Liquid was awesome-the feeling of achieve- Lunch micro-site (www.icradio. ment that is! com/shows/liquidlunch) showing the giant blowup Gromit and the If this takes your fancy, have a green carpet in all its splendour. wander down to stoic tv in the West Wing of Beit Quad. Don’t worry if Dates because our dating fea- you have no idea about the business ture called Liquid Love begins - you don’t have to be a film buff on Tuesday. So if there’s some- to get the most out of this society. one that you’ve taken a fancy And need we mention the potential to over Freshers’ Week, why career opportunities you’d have with not get in contact with us. We’ll some hands on experience? But that ask the object of your affections isn’t the only point of stoic tv- mostly out on that crucial first date on we’re seeing how much we can get your behalf. The both of you away with and how many celeb’ par- could be going for a night out to ties we can gatecrash just because Revolution Soho for a meal and we’re holding a tv camera! drinks on us. So give it a go, you might have the time of your life Whatever happens, there is loads and not have to spend a penny. on throughout the year and we’re The stoic tv gallery: it has lots of screens and flashing lights which we all pretend to understand. holding a few workshops to intro- We’ve got all the usual duce you to our kit (which is pretty features too, including TV hot), our studio, and show you some Titbits with wannabe TV star of the stuff we have done- from films Get Involved: Workshop Details Matt Cunningham and Movie to news- or more importantly, what The workshops consist of three doing, from telling the presenters Editing Mondays with Duncan Pearse you can do. All of us are approach- sessions, each lasting about an which camera to look at to counting where you could win cinema able and some of us aren’t even hour. The first two involve produc- into and out of video segments so Most programmes need to go tickets courtesy of our friends at technical wizards- me, for example! ing a short light entertainment pro- that the presenters know when to through post-production after being Odeon Kensington. gramme –it tends to be quite chaotic stop and start talking. recorded before they make it to the There is a place here for everyone- but it’s always good fun. We’re not screen. At its simplest, editing is (Instru)Mental - Thursdays we need ‘front-of-camera’ people as trying to produce a BAFTA award- Gallery simply rearranging bits of video into 9-11pm much as technical staff. It’s a really winning entertainment show, just the right order and length. Then good conduit for an ego that needs give you an idea of how things work The gallery is the nerve centre of you add captions, music, graphics, Don’t fancy another night of a little massaging (we LOVE it) or a at stoic tv. any recording. It’s here that you’ll special effects…. The list is endless. cheese at the union? Check out creative writer with a crazy idea for find the boss, or the director. The It can take a very long time but the (Instru)Mental. Now in its third the next ‘Blair Witch Project’ (we Studio director’s job is to keep the whole results can be spectacular. year, we bring you the best in LOVE it even more). Alternatively, show on track – from deciding what hard house, hard trance and hard if you like lots of attention because In the studio you’ll be able to the cameras should do to cueing in To give you a taster, we’ll produce techno. you’re holding a large piece of shiny, have a go at being a presenter. video segments, or just telling the a trailer for a film or TV show from technical material in your hand then Confidence is a must as somehow presenters to wrap it up because a set of clips we’ve prepared. You’ll The first hour includes fea- this is the place for you. you need to talk to a camera as if they’re being dull. If you like shout- get to call the shots, deciding what tures, chat and the latest on it’s a huge group of people watching ing and bossing people around then goes where and how to make it look what’s happening in the hard Its loads of fun, its all tongue on a screen somewhere. The ability this is the job for you, but at the perfect. dance world, while in the second in cheek- and we have a national to talk non-stop is helpful, but you same time you need a cool head expect a back to back mix taking awards ceremony we get to attend are largely at the mercy of the rest as you have to be thinking not just If editing is your chosen art, then you through the latest music for every year, just like real TV! of the crew to feed you the infor- about what is happening now, but we’ll give you dedicated training on the harder generation, as well as mation you need and do what you also about what is happening next. the use of our suites so you know some of the classics that got the The first step to getting involved are expecting. There’s nothing quite how to do all the basics. All you need hard scene going. Expect tracks is attending a freshers workshop like introducing a segment and then The director works closely with is creativity and imagination. from the likes Riot!, Tidy Trax (whether you’re a fresher or not!). If looking in horror into the camera as the vision mixer, who controls which and the mighty Vicious Circle. you like what you see then become you realise there is no VT to play. pictures go to tape (or to broadcast Interested? a member, sign-up to a few pro- if it’s a live show). There’s also a Next week: Beer & Biscuits grammes or start one of your own. For the more reserved among us, sound mixer who does a similar If all that sounds like fun, then There will also be more formal train- why not have a go at controlling a thing for audio, and VT operators come and get involved. We’ll be run- If you want to get involved in ing sessions so that you can use our camera, as instructed by the pro- who play in video footage such as ning two workshops: on Sunday 9th IC Radio, presenting your own kit to its fullest potential. gramme’s director. Or you could music videos and interviews. They October and again on Wednesday show or helping out behind the be the floor manager – this person also need to press record at the 12th October, both from 2pm. And scenes, we’ll be holding our Don’t forget to check out our is essentially in charge of the stu- start of the show, otherwise people because we all know that bribery annual Beer and Biscuits evening new, revamped website at dio and is responsible for making will get very upset when you tell works, there’ll be free food, beer and on Thursday 13th October. stoictv.com sure everyone knows what they are them that they have to it all again. soft drinks. Look out for more details in next week’s Felix. Contact us Listen to IC Radio online at Media Group: union.ic.ac.uk/media | [email protected] • Felix: http: felixonline.co.uk | [email protected] • IC Radio: icradio.com | icradio.com or on 1134AM [email protected] • Mind’s Eye: union.ic.ac.uk/media/mindseye | [email protected] • PhotoSoc: union.ic.ac.uk/media/photosoc | across the Wye campus. [email protected] • stoic tv: stoictv.com | [email protected] felix 10 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 6 October 2005

[email protected] mC’mon,usic Mirah! Lo-fi female with a back catalogue that involves work with Phil Elvrum’s The Microphones brings her show to the intimate surroundings of the Buzzard this Argentina sky.” LIVE REVIEWS Simple and pleasant, Mirah’s live performance was a stark contrast to Mirah the two bands (Hands On Heads & The Buzzard Les Georges Leningrad) that came HHHHI on afterwards. Thankfully we’d had a few bottles of wine by then and “Are there drums?” he asks hope- most of what I wrote about them is fully. I shake my head ruefully illegible, the general theme seeming remembering our last musical out- to be art school bollocks of fashion ing to see The Engineers (he fell and noise over talent, beautifully asleep, dressed in his tux from the exposed by Mirah’s honest poignant night before). Perhaps in retrospect, craft. Mirah’s acoustic “lo-fi indie pop” Harriet Tennant gig, might not be the place to take one’s Rock and Roll Drummer. It seems these days that the grow- The Offspring ing nomenclature of the music world Brixton Academy seems to make things harder and HHHHH harder to classify. “Lo-fi indie pop?” Mirah, Mirah Yom Tov Zeitlyn. Bearing in mind that mere hours Kingdom: Indie, Phylum: folk, before setting off to see The Species: Acoustic female. Coming Offspring – the band to whom I lost from an “artistic” (hippy) Jewish my CD-buying virginity back in 1994 Philadelphia background, Mirah – I had both managed to permanent- started with a jazz band and then ly delete my entire dissertation from went solo. Having working with The the heap of junk I call a computer Microphones, she released her first and also witnessed a nasty incident Mirah - exceptionally talented as well as beautiful. album in 2000, followed by another involving a man, a wallet, and a four solo album/collaborations with thief on my bus, I was needless to ing roar upon their distinctive open- the hundreds and thousands, cher- aren’t going to treat this as simply a C’mon Miracle being the latest that say less than in the party mood. ings, that I remembered that this ries and whipped cream on the cake “warm-up” gig. she is here to promote. Busy girl. But immediately upon entering the is a band touring for a greatest hits of a wholeheartedly energetic, dare The next 105 minutes is a lesson She arrives onstage, regrettably Academy, greeted by chanting and album. Tonight there was no self- I say it, polished-been-in-this-busi- in how rock gigs should be done. drummerless but accompanied by general teenage overexcitement, I indulgence, no songs you had to ness-for-years-so-we’ve-cracked- While the band are a tight and finely an accordion player with a beard on found myself getting that “nervous struggle to remember, no messing the-formula performance. tuned unit clearly at the top of their the run from ZZTop and plunges into yet thrilled yet pretty sure this is around; just an hour and a half of fin- No trendy a**holes here, just for game musically, Grohl gives a mas- Jerusalem, a sweet, if slightly naive gonna hurt” feeling I haven’t had in ger-pointing-manic-jumping-voice- me (please excuse the gushing), the ter class in how to work an audi- track from the new album. With a long while; disappointment was wrecking-exhausting-massive fun. most fantastic gig of this decade. ence. He constantly professes his two guitars backing up the accor- not on the cards. In addition to this The Offspring Harriet Tennant love for Reading Festival claiming dion, she’s high-pitched, sweet and In a re-working of the classic is a band that knows how to make a it to be the best in the world. A few breathless; “I let you have it,” she opening to the album Smash, that fan feel special. Dexter and Noodles’ songs into the set, after the epic My laments during Cold Cold Water. slow American drawl came over the promise that we are the best crowd Foo Fighters Hero, Grohl jokes to the audience With the pure guitar songmanship of speakers this time not telling us to they’ve ever had is almost believa- Astoria that during the last song he sang so Suzanne Vega, Mirah’s voice is more relax but to “Tear s**t up,” and what ble and we’re rewarded with golden HHHHH hard he threw up in his mouth and youthful, without the sultry purr, could provide the perfect sound- oldies like Smash and a sprinkling urges the sweaty audience to do the more sensitive than sexual. A few track for such an activity? Why, Bad of the less offensive newer offer- What can you do in 15 minutes? same for the next song. They may more lyrically based songs and she Habit of course. But it was only after ings in the shape of Americana and Watch half an episode of Friends? be well worn crowd pleasing tactics finishes with Dogs Of Buenos Aires, the near perfect succession of epics Staring At The Sun. By the time the Listen to a third of your favour- but Grohl has the ability to make another one off C’mon Miracle, an All I Want , Come Out And Play and predictable encore of Self Esteem ite album? Read this week’s edi- you believe him anyway with his dis- upbeat ballad of heart break “under Gone Away, each getting an approv- rolls round it is not only the icing but tion of Felix? Well if you’re the Foo arming charm. Highlights from the Fighters you can sell out a gig at set which took songs from all five of the Astoria, virtually melting down the bands albums included a short the ticket booking system in the rendition of recent Oasis single Lyla process. It’s rare for a band as big which the Foos covered earlier in the as the Foos to play a venue as small week for BBC Radio 1 and a brilliant as the Astoria, especially when they solo version of Everlong, but argu- can sell out arenas like Earls Court ably the best was saved for last. The (where they’ll be playing two nights three song encore featured album this December) without breaking track Cold Day In the Sun which sweat. Then again, this is no ordi- features drummer Taylor Hawkins nary gig. Not part of a scheduled on vocals. The song saw him move tour, it’s been billed as a “secret” to the front of the stage and pick warm-up gig for their appearances up a guitar with Grohl taking up at the Carling Weekend, which is residence behind the drums. It was why the two thousand fans crammed a moment which made you remem- into the venue anticipate something ber how awe inspiring Grohl is with truly special. drum sticks in his hands instead of After a distinctly unimpressive a guitar. More surprisingly though, support set from Death From Above it made you realise that Hawkins 1979, Dave Grohl & Co. stride on has been learning a few tricks from to a rapturous welcome. Then the Grohl and actually does convince as official “nicest guy in rock” tells the a guitar playing front man despite a excitable crowd that they will play rather awkward stance. some of the songs that they don’t After closer All My Life the Foos normally play before the band rip leave the stage with Grohl grinning through album track Hell off their from ear to ear, and why shouldn’t latest album, In Your Honour. It’s a he? Clearly not all nice guys finish performance of real power and pas- last. Foo Fighters - people only want to see ol’ Dave, anyway. sion and really shows that the band Dom Wong felix Thursday 6 October 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 11

MUSIC [email protected] New music: Crapture/Re:leaves you know we Silly pun headline introduces a thorough trashing of scene favourites The love it Rakes, and a praising of Iceland’s finest, Leaves rassment of breaking-up complete DEMO REVIEWS ALBUM REVIEWS with a rocking pseudo glam-rock riff? If it goes well you can reuse it usedtobecool The Rakes throughout the entire album. Maybe Demo Capture/Release you can experiment with some elec- (self released) (V2) tronica and turn it into an atmos- HHHHI HHIII pheric piece called (with distinct punnage) Binary Love? Are you sick and tired of hearing Hello students, and welcome to a So now you’re album is competed. that the only things that Imperial new year at Imperial College! Did Congratulations! Now all you have to guys can hold onto are their calcula- you have a good holiday? You look do is sit back, enjoy the praise from tors? And that our sense of humour great with that tan! Ok, so today the music press, and eat up the one leaves a lot to be desired? I am. we’re going to start you off on a new year of comfort until people realize Fortunately, this evil stereotype is activity to practice for the new year. you’ve released an album lacking about to be shattered, thanks to I call this one “How to form your in substance or real meatiness and the dirty, noisy and breaky sound own trendy rock band.” It’s sim- then attempt to burn out with dignity. from Dan and Ross of usedtobe- ple! Everyone’s doing it these days, Matty Hartfield cool, (who, believe it or not, used to such as recent London beat combo piss about in the Blackett and the The Rakes, with their debut album Huxley, respectively and spin fire Capture/Release. Leaves in the quad just like the rest of you First off, get your band together The Angela Test munters do). and write a handful of good, catchy (Island) The Rakes - they’ve been naughty boys. Think Daft Punk and Roni Size numbers so as to attract enthusi- HHHHI before they got fat and became asm. Make sure they are genuinely sounds like a whole marching band, although I do believe you can pick it friends with the politically-correct interesting, filling them with unu- It is a real shame that Coldplay, giving the whole track a feeling of up on Ebay for about ten times its lobby, give it the precise firing of sual turns of tune to make attractive our greatest British hope for world- magnificence. original retail value. Tel Aviv’s nuclear weapons pro- to the ear and brain, such as the wide “indie” success, have failed to Unfortunately there are a few So why the hype? Frankly, because gramme, imagine glass shattering breakdown in Retreat or the sud- push any boundaries with their lat- tracks that lack any sense of iden- they are gorgeous. They make you due to an orgasm being that good den monologue in Work, Work, Work est album. Though people who don’t tity. Silver Night is based around smile, they make you shiver and and then you’ve just about got it. (Pub, Club, Sleep). Write the lyrics encounter anything more challeng- one guitar riff, leaving it sound- they make every Belle & Sebastian Intelligent dance music at its best: full of observations on modern life, ing than the Sugababes won’t have ing very unremarkable, and The album in your collection defunct. Squarepusher in a word. such as the work/life balance in the ever heard anything like Fix You, Transparent is similarly unexcep- The EP opens with the exuberant The breakcore kicks off atmos- aformentioned Retreat, or the cold others will realise that it is a very tional. As We Walk goes nowhere in Who Left The Lights Off Baby, which pherically, with the futuristic Just war divide in the opener Strasbourg, old and used formula. When Chris particular and could be from their sounds like what a cocktail party The Thing before descending fur- so you make sure the songs actually Martin said, “people won’t realise debut album Breathe. On the con- tastes like; bouncy piano driving it ther into a depraved world with the mean something. how much we have stolen until they trary, Good Enough and Whatever along and a vaguely ridiculous (but industrial breakbeats of the intrin- Got enough attention now? Good, listen to the album,” I didn’t realise are a lot more rock than you would still ace) saxophone solo. The record sically sexy Classically Trained time to write the full album. But how literally he was using the word find in their back-catalogue, utilising becomes much more chilled-out Groupie . Robotik noizes take you hang on there; writing enough “stolen.” the kind of pounding drums indie with Cats Eyes, as the instrumenta- to the next level on Magical Love songs, especially to a good stand- Luckily Leaves have come along heavyweights Doves would. Killing tion drops down to lightly brushed Adventure before forcing you to ard, just takes too long these days and produced the album Coldplay Flies is actually quite a strange song, drums and echoed backing vocals. dance, frantically, to It’s Not You, It’s doesn’t it? No no no, what you need should have made. In its entirety, with very simple piano, roiling time If you listen carefully you notice that Your Face. The beats are shit hot, to do is rush out an unchallenging, The Angela Test is epic sounding signatures, those pounding drums underpinning it all are strings, bass grindingly insistent; Nellee Hooper derivative album, which is quick and and anthemic, yet imbued with maj- again and staccato strings. Still, it all clarinets and piano keys poured over would retreat back across the easy to produce. Besides, with all esty and ethereal qualities more sits together perfectly. the track like warm toffee. Mmmm. Severn into the valleys and end his the hype you’ve produced, who’s to common to fellow Icelanders Sigur Our country isn’t quite ready to Made Up Love Song #43 is almost days in a Caerphilly cave if he could know or care? Ros. Instead of taking the “one man embrace a band from Iceland as overbearingly tender (work that one get hold of this stunner. Hell yes. If you’re stuck for material, fill at a piano straining his bollocks off” their own, which means that this out), the soulful and earnest vocals The sampling is irreverent to say the album up with pointless guitar approach to song writing, Leaves go release will largely go unnoticed by of singer Fyfe starting it all off, sing- the least, cracking the listener up noodling with slapdash references for rich orchestration, soulful vocals all except the critics. If you’re just ing about nonsense like “sparks and no end so that when you’re dancing, to money to make it sound slight- and spine-tingling chordality. starting uni and want to get into shining dragons”, until you realise moshing, moving, you’re bound to ly relevant. The Rakes have a fine Bizarrely, the album starts with something a bit different, you could it’s all a ploy to hide his feelings: “I have a smile on your face, especially example in the form of 22 Grand their most epic song, the jaw-drop- do worse than using The Angela Test love you, I don’t think you care”. As with the Paedofinder General and Job, the confused thuggery on show ping Shakma. It starts off melodic as your starting point. if to mend his broken heart the rest his machine guns on Perversion in T-Bone, or, when all else fails, and yearning, with warm piano and James Millen of the band join him with driving For Profit. Parentally explicit, prob- just shout randomly for five minutes: soft brass, yet explodes into snare- drums and bass, angular guitars, ably not. listen to The Guilt if for some mad powered abandon, with more than a ethereal synth noises and heart- Vogue Says sees the guys getting reason you’re unsure on how to do slight hint of post-rock. Last single Guillemots warming harmonies. Divine. perilously close to social commen- this. Be sure to include some reggae The Spell employs the same kind of I Saw Such Things In My Sleep EP You know what? That ten times tary, screeching its way to oblivion influences in there, everyone likes motivation as the end of Shakma, (Fantastic Plastic) face value you will have to pay for before giving way to the hypnotic those now (Violent). yet continued throughout and punc- HHHHH Guillemots’ first outing may well be Visions Of Custard. This compels Scruples are a lot like talking to tuated by cymbal heavy build-ups worth it, because who knows how you once more to the dancefloor, your neighbours; everyone gave that and choruses. The title track Angela I will apologise in advance. Getting high that price will go? You’ll be with snare breaks taking care to up ages ago. But if you still have Test is possibly the best song on hold of a copy of the I Saw Such very hard pushed to find a more self deconstruct a SouthWestNine vor- some, you might like to make the the album; synths shimmer softly Things In My Sleep EP by new assured and wonderful debut, this tex to keep you rapt. N00b tinkles effort to include a few other catchy and tense silences are left as the Fantastic Plastic signings Guillemots band is almost spookily well formed. its way into your consciousness tunes; why not pen a heartfelt track band adds very Icelandic backing is going to be tricky: limited to a run Don’t say I didn’t warn you. and fails to leave. So too does the called Open Book about the embar- vocals. It builds with percussion that of 1000 CDs, it sold out in two weeks. James Millen deliciously bassy Grind Meh which keeps you dancing the way a good Asian Dub Foundation track should, with its rhythmic noise captivating you to stick around for more. The Another year, another huge stack of records to shift compelling beats, dirty snares and Welcome, or welcome back, depend- we receive and do not have writers Lastly, this summer has been humourous samples of yore are ing on whether you’ve just started willing to review, so if you think you an excellent few months for new present in droves on the distorted Imperial or if you’re one of the griz- could redress this balance, drop us a records. Here’s a short guide to jungle of Closet Bedwetter, but I zled old hands like myself. line (the email is at the end). my summer listening: Dust From somehow can’t force myself to like As you can see, Music is back in This year, there will be a few 1000 Years - Self Titled (sinister, this one. Canine Devotion and I full swing, and we’re looking for changes to Music’s format. We plan extremely lo-fi folk on cassette), Like You fare much better before writers to fill these hallowed pages to start introducing writer’s charts, Why? - Elephant Eyelash (Anticon’s the junglistic Domination comes in with their rantings. It doesn’t mat- so you can see what’s currently float- brightest star’s new album), Aoki to finish off a fantastic party with ter if you’ve not written before; we’ll ing our respective boats, debates Takamasura & Tujiko Noriko - 28 verve and vigour. The room gets give you a chance. Although the around topical news from the music (thoughtful, reflective electronica on cleared with a break-ridden remix vast majority of music we are sent is world, and more demo reviews. Fat Cat), Honey For Petzi - Man’s of Blink 182’s Fuck A Dog and all is ANDREW SYKES “indie” and we’re always in need of Hopefully, this should make Music Rage For The Black Ham (insanely calm once more. indie writers, there’s still a substan- less like a collection of reviews, and good mathrock from Switzerland). Sajini Wijetilleka MUSIC EDITOR tial amount of chart and pop that more personal. Email: [email protected] felix 12 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 6 October 2005

film [email protected] arts. Guy Ritchie is back! (Or not...) It’s nothing like Barrels or Snatch. Don’t revolve... just avoid

Caesar and Machiavelli. However, where the combination of acting, Revolver something is lost in Revolver – and directing, cinematography, and writ- Director: Guy Ritchie it isn’t just the plot. ing is monumentally less than the Starring: Jason Statham, Ray Con man and gambling extraordi- sum of its parts. In fact the theme Liotta, Andre ‘3000’ Benjamin naire Jack Green (Jason Statham of the movie seems to be talent and Length: 115 minutes - does it even matter what his char- creativity put to waste. The scene Certificate: 15 acters are named anymore?) gets in which Green fights his inner self out of prison after being screwed inside an elevator is a microcosm Released:22 September 2005 by his previous boss, Macha (Ray for the whole movie: it’s artistically HHIII Liotta), and quickly screws him back and originally done, yet it’s boring at Macha’s casino in a game of flip- and drags on tortuously. the-coin. Macha quickly dispatches Perhaps that’s because the film riginal writer and a couple of hit men (one of whom makes the audience wonder wheth- director Guy Ritchie later provides the only entertaining er they’ve missed something, or and charismatic every- scene in the whole movie) to remove whether the scene they saw last man Jason Statham the insult, but Green is saved by two has nothing to do with anything. really had something mysterious characters, Avi and Zach Perhaps that’s because the film goingO on with Lock, Stock, and (played by Benjamin and Pastore), delves too deeply into the mind of Two Smoking Barrels (1998) and who pull Green along in a bizarre, the main character for the audience Snatch (2000). Pair the two up confusing plot that doesn’t seem to to relate or attach to him. Maybe it’s again, add the sneering and intimi- culminate in anything. because the character interaction is dating Ray Liotta, mob essential It’s difficult to pin down why actually very limited, unlike Barrels Vincent Pastore, and serious new Revolver is a terrible film. The and Snatch, denying us the humor- talent Andre Benjamin (the half movie is long, and the plot is point- ous and enjoyable back-and-forth of Outkast who acquitted himself less and confusing, but Ritchie’s dialogue. It might even be because respectably in Four Brothers this previous hits were arguably similar. the film attempts to be dark, pen- year), and Revolver should be an The directing is still original and sive, introspective, spiritual, com- Jake Green: Dazed and very much confusing... ace in the hole, right? stylish – though noticeably more plicated, original, and creative, but Not at all. Perhaps the fact that experimental and less sure of itself. forgets to make an attempt to be Jason Statham has hair is the first The acting talent is in abundance entertaining. In that case, the best face at the end of the movie. of [your enemy]”. Well, you can indication of Ritchie’s departure and all of the main characters give word to describe it is pretentious. One of the Machiavelli quotes avoid Revolver, and that certainly from the formula that we enjoyed a strong showing. Even the music Or boring. And I know I’m not alone at the beginning of the film reads: would be to your own advantage. so much in his previous films. Or is great. However, there must be in thinking this – I could see the “There is no avoiding war; it can Matthew Fung maybe it’s the opening quotes from some concept of reverse-synergy disgust and disbelief on everybody’s only be postponed to the advantage

FANCY BEING A STAR/ DIRECTOR? DO YOU THINK YOU COULD DO BETTER THAN GUY RITCHIE?

PROVE IT HOTSHOT, IN FELIX’S FIRST VIDEOCLIP COMPETITION!

Do you think you could do a bet- It doesnt have to be artsy. It ter job than Guy Ritchie? Can you doesn’t even have to be about come up with a videoclip that’s way Imperial! It’s all in the spirit of more entertaining than Revolver? good fun! If you could, you are just in time to take part in Felix’s first videoclip Now, what do you stand to gain competition! from this? Well, you could get your 10 minutes of fame, some prize In conjunction with the London money (handy for your first week Film Festival, Felix is giving you at IC) and some free movie tick- a chance to be a star or a director ets! yourself. The rules are simple. Therefore, take part, exhibit All we need from you is a vide- your talents! Show us what you oclip no longer than 10 minutes. are made of. All you have to do is You can enter as an individual, a entertain us and you’ll get all of group or a club. (Frankly, my dears, those sweet prizes. we don’t give a damn...) Sounds interesting? Send in your What makes things even more name ( or names ) to interesting is the fact that there’s [email protected] by no limitation on videoclip content. September 14 and you could be Except of course, we draw the line on your way to a little taste of on nudity, porn and excessive vio- stardom! lence. Simply put, kids should be able to watch your videoclip. Yuen Ai Lee Film Editor felix Thursday 6 October 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 13

film [email protected] A ‘Revolving’ discussion Guy Ritchie attempts to explain himself

evolver has been dissed Is it a film with a message? choose to be the latter particularly, left and right by crit- but there are different aspects to ics everywhere (even A central idea is that there is no our personality and nature that the Felix). What does Guy such thing as an external enemy. chess board represents, which is Ritchie have to say to Jake Green is playing against Jake maybe why chess is such a popu- aboutR his disaster of a movie? Green. That’s quite a hard concept lar and ancient game. I’m a very to get your head around initially: of bad chess player, by the way. Jason Where did the inspiration for course, if there is only an internal Statham has probably been blowing Revolver come from? enemy, he wouldn’t want you to get his own trumpet about what a quali- your head around it. So it’s based fied chess player he is. In fact, he’s It was a culmination of concepts on the formula that you can only get an appalling chess player. really, but a germ got stuck in my smarter by playing a smarter oppo- mind about one particular concept: nent. Who is the ultimate opponent? And the fact that the face-off the con of all cons. I’m fascinated Yourself. Then comes the principle between Jake and himself, his by how you can trick the mind and that your enemy will always hide in internal enemy, takes place on the the individual, and this concept the last place that you would ever 13th floor? was so audacious, so radical, that I look. The last place you would look is was attracted to say the least. The inside your head and the last place The elevator starts at 32 and stops formula of the con is quite simple you would look inside your head between 14 and 12. In America, – you seduce people by their own is behind fear. I’m not saying that buildings still don’t have a 13th floor. greed. We can all be conned but formula’s correct, it’s just a formula 13’s a curious number. Quite how at what point do we realize that and I’m interested in formulas. In it got its unpopular reputation is a we’re being conned, and to what this particular instance, the only mystery and one I would quite like extent do we actually allow our- opponent Jake Green has to chal- to have solved. Mythologically, it’s selves to be conned? There was a lenge is himself by doing exactly the luckiest number; it’s the number famous book called The Big Con, what he doesn’t want to do. of liberation. From a point of view which works on the formula that it of Jake’s incarceration, what bet- is impossible to con an honest man. To that extent, are his experiences ter place to liberate yourself than I was attracted to that idea too. The an allegory for life? floor 13, which doesn’t even exist great challenge then was to take an in an elevator? It just seemed like intellectual concept and clothe it It’s strange: I never expected as the perfect environment in which in an exciting, action-packed narra- a writer-director to end up talking to meet your demon. A number that tive because concepts are not nec- about high-falutin’ concepts. I got doesn’t exist that is also the number essarily interesting to look at. It’s into film production because I was of liberation. important that the film delivers on interested in making entertaining an entertaining level. What you want movies, which I felt there was a lack That scene is one of the most in the cinema is entertainment but of. Jake Green isn’t just Jake Green. impressive in the whole movie... I like to be intellectually titillated Jake represents all of us. The colour while being sensorially stimulated. green is the central column of the It’s my favorite scene in the film It took me three years to write this spectrum and the name Jake has all and I actually shot it three times. film whereas Snatch took me three sorts of numerical values. All things It initially had four lines written for months. Fundamentally, it’s not a come back to him within the film’s it. When we got in there, we spent very complicated film – it’s actually world of cons and games. Jake’s on two hours messing around, trying quite simple – but to clothe it within a journey of how to play the game. to draw as much as I could out a narrative was quite complicated. He’s very good at playing games and of Jason. I realised we’d got into he’s done very well out of playing something that was very interesting The film opens with Jake Green by a certain formula but he didn’t and in the end I could probably have getting out of jail. Would you say realize how big and consistent that filmed 45 minutes of him screaming that it ends with him enjoying formula is. He only saw the formula at himself in there. Guy Ritchie and his ‘Revolv-ing’ mistake... another kind of liberation? in its microscopic form and didn’t realize that it could be macroscopic. How did you create that transat- The film starts off with a jailbreak lantic atmosphere? Did you use a So you don’t fit the stereotype of like him, don’t trust him and have and ends with a jailbreak because Of the various formulas that make lot of special effects? the dictatorial filmmaker? no respect for him as a chess all the skulduggery going on inside up the rules of the game, do you player, Jason and I work quite well his head didn’t allow him to know he have a favorite? Unlike my previous movies, there’s If somebody has a better idea than together. Actually, Jason forced me was still incarcerated. That’s what quite a lot of studio work on this one me, I’ll take it if it surpasses what into using him. He threatened me the film is about: the ultimate jail- I suspect my favorite line is, “You because of the very nature of the we have on the page because at the with violence. The rest of the cast I break and the radical actions one can only get smarter by playing a fact that I wanted an environment end of the day, it’s me that takes the have more affection for. André was needs to undertake to liberate one- smarter opponent.” My next one that’s transcontinental. Because credit anyway! I’ve been working a pleasure to work with. In fact, self from this jail. It tells the story would be, “The greatest enemy will of that we had to revert to green with lots of these guys for ten years 95% of the people in my films have of the skulduggery and head-trick- hide in the last place you would screen. I don’t care whether I use now and I’ve become very aware of been nothing less than a pleasure ery that accompanies Jake on his ever look.” The third one would be, special effects or not. My principal how much the team has to do with to work with. That goes for Jason, journey, and the seemingly unlikely “The harder the battle, the sweeter job is to make interesting and enter- the creative process. I’m not under too. I like him and because I like actions our hero has to undertake to the victory.” My fourth would be, taining films, and I’m not proud of too much of an illusion of how smart him, it’s much easier to work with break out of his jail. “Always protect your investment” which format or which particular or un-smart I am because filmmak- him. He’s a very capable actor and which would become, “Always pro- technique I use. I just wanted the ing ultimately is about teamwork. he embodies what I want to see Why did you call it Revolver? tect your investment whether it’s in film to look good and that was about I enjoy the process and I’ve usu- when I go to the cinema. I’ve been your interest or not.” the only request I had of my DP. ally done quite a lot of preparation a big fan of Ray Liotta’s for a long I’ve always been surprised that We wanted it to be slightly over the before I arrive on set so I’m not a time and been desperate to use him no other movie has ever been called Chess is a prime example... top in terms of photography. What I touchy filmmaker and I’m not an in something. He wasn’t very keen Revolver because it just sounds liked about American movies when anxiety-ridden filmmaker, at least about being put into spandex pants cool. So I like the name but I also The rules in chess are consistent I was a kid was that they’re sort of while I’m shooting the film. If you and Speedos but once he got into the like the concept that, if you’re in a with the rules of all cons. I like the larger than life, and I think I’m still enjoy things, it tends to quell your spirit of things it was hard to get him game, it keeps revolving until you idea that the characters could all be suffering from that reaction. Tim, negative traits. out of them. realize that you are in a game and different pieces on a chess board. I the DP, was completely unbridled by then maybe you can start evolving. think we all embody the attributes of me. The cheekier he got, the more I You’ve also worked with Jason Hmm...and I thought his internal The film is based on the formula of pawns, bishops, knights and castles, applauded him. He’s his own boss in Statham on almost all your enemy scene was lame but oh well, a game: where does the game start, kings and queens. It’s just a ques- that department. films... judge it yourself if you must! where does it stop and who’s con- tion of, do we decide to be a pawn, or Redbus Film Distribution ning who. do we decide to be a queen? I didn’t Apart from the fact that I don’t felix 14 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 6 October 2005

A Neighbours omnibus is not an option h no, my friends, it is not an option, even more attractive people (Oh Tasha, you shall and Delta Goodrum left), but the storylines are it is essential! It was my good friend be mine), and what it lacks in storylines it makes so much better! Actually, now I come to think and Felix Editor, Mr R Neate, who up for by the pure number of beauties who about it, we should take the actors from Home first suggested this idea to me. At appear to live in the tiny village of Summerbay. & Away and make them perform Neighbours first, I did not see the necessity, but The Home & Away omnibus is on Saturdays and storylines, that would be brilliant. Of course, we thatO was when I was a student! Hollyoaks on Sundays, so it works well, (obvi- can’t replace Harold, Lou, Susan, Karl, Paul or Since then I have started working, and I have ously the people at Channels 4 and 5 had a chat). Toadie, but, let’s face it, I would much rather not seen an episode of Neighbours for three I do, however, have a problem with the BBC see Rebecca Cartwright performing the role of weeks! Today is the first day I have had a chance bothering to screen an omnibus of Eastenders. Janae Timmins. to, and that is only because I am off work sick ‘Enders is crap and no one is talking about it! Anyway, enough of that, it’s not going to and trust me, even Neighbours is not worth Add on to that the fact that is on at 7.30pm or happen. What can, and must, happen is a staying up all night vomiting for (occasionally, 8.00pm, so even I could watch it during the week Neighbours omnibus! So please, for me, for Iain Heaton maybe, but not regularly!) Plus, if I do it too if I wanted to! So why do we need a omnibus? yourselves in the future when you have jobs, much, I may get the sack, which would be a Oh why, oh why, oh why? I think its because its campaign for a Neighbours omnibus. Just pick shame because I actually do enjoy my work. a British soap and the BBC feel they should use up a pen and write to the Director General of the Nowadays, I don’t get to watch much TV at all British TV. Personally I would dispose of the BBC, (it’s not like you have much else to do in during the week except for late night TV, and remaining Mitchells and the Slaters and dear old lectures!). I can’t stay up too late because I have to be at Dot Cotton and put Neighbours in their Sunday work by 8.45am (God, I’m old!) On weekends, afternoon slot. Even if they insist on keeping Mark Thompson however, I do lounge around on my sofa and Eastenders on then, why not put Neighbours on BBC Director-General watch quite a lot of Channel Four (I’m really into Saturday? White City Lost and The O.C.). The only soaps I can watch They could even pit it against Home & Away 201 Wood Lane are Hollyoaks, Home & Away and Eastenders. to discover which is the true Ozzie giant! London Now Hollyoaks is brilliant, attractive people and Personally I would bet on Ramsay Street, the W12 7TS some wonderful storylines; Home & Away has people aren’t as hot (not since Holly Valance [email protected] Why can’t a rapist win The Lottery? hen I heard the news reports last a better grade than me. Its a childish jealousy have access to the money until he had finished year, recounting how a prisoner parallel to this which is plaguing the minds serving his sentence in full. Fair enough, eh? serving time for rape had won of those shouting: ‘Dirty rapist! How dare he Unfortunately, our puritanical society just £7m on the Lottery, my psychic win the Lottery? I deserve to win, damn it!’. can’t hack it, and would prefer that High Court radar went into overdrive. I had Incidentally, a woman undergoing cancer treat- judgements be arbitrarily altered to divert such visionsW of mass tabloid headlines exclaiming ment won the highest Lottery jackpot ever, just winnings to a criminal’s victims. exaggerated hostility towards perpetrator Ior- around the same time as Hoare. Exactly how do they envisage the precise worth Hoare. The Sun never fails to disappoint The lottery is just that – a lottery. It doesn’t definitions of such a law? And where do they me when it comes to predictability, and I expect care if a rich person gets richer, so why care draw the line? What if Hoare had bought his media hype once more now that Hoare has been when a convicted criminal wins? Does the lot- ticket before he had been convicted? What if released back into society, where he’s now free tery need a new set of rules to decide who is he hadn’t won? Is he only held responsible for to spend his money as he pleases. Apparently it worthy? If so, I think poor students need prior- all the crimes of his past once he starts getting Anushri Patel is also costing the public purse thousands each ity! some dosh? Is prison not enough? Will finan- week to keep his new identity a secret. Victim support groups have already expressed cially depriving criminals reduce crime rates? I can see the headlines now: ‘We caught the anger at the win. One feminist writer even went Precisely how much compensation will make bastard! Then let him go. And now he’s spend- as far to say that Hoare “should give every sin- victims feel better? ing his millions. He just bought himself a pair of gle penny of that money to rape crisis organisa- As a student, I can see why he doesn’t want to pants.’ Shocking Stuff! tions”. give the money away, even if he is sorry for his Unfortunately, luck and fairness aren’t syno- Why? Hoare broke the law, and was conse- crimes. Good luck to him, I say. I optimistically nyms. My friends in Math Soc will probably quentially punished by imprisonment, not con- hope he’s realised the error of his ways and argue that luck doesn’t even exist. I once stayed fiscation of earnings. He has paid his metaphor- manages to avoid the paparazzi as he buys his up all night working on my GCSE coursework, ical debt to society; why are people hell bent on morning paper. and my teacher was sick the next day, hence the suing him/cajoling him into giving the money It’s all very well being self-righteous when deadline was extended. As you can imagine, I away? He paid for his ticket, and he contra- one’s never had such large amounts of mind- wasn’t particularly happy and extremely envi- vened neither the rules of the National Lottery corrupting cash, but £7m is a lot of money to ous of everyone who didn’t bother and still got nor the terms of his punishment. He didn’t even give away. How many of you would? Muslims are today’s soft targets fter viewing the ever-sickening dev- national security. The pertinent question one comprehend others. One example could be the astation in Bali, President Susilo must ask is whether this is an example of history State of Israel. This issue encompasses religion, Bambang Yudhoyono stated at a starting to repeat itself. politics, human tragedy and misconceptions on news conference that: “The terror- On Friday 5 August 2005, Prime Minister Blair all sides. Many actively support it, others make ists are still looking for soft targets”. made a speech announcing proposals for new themselves deal with it, yet others oppose it. TheA potential for fear to overcome the usually anti-terror legislation. The measures were dis- What is inappropriate is to forbid debate. The rational minds of humanity is starkly obvious. proportionately aimed at the Muslim community nightmare is this: if these measures are adopted, Many deny it, but a global climate of fear has in Britain, as they included plans to shut down thoughts will be considered a crime. The fear been created. We feel it here in London. Muslims mosques, proscribe Hizb ut-Tahrir despite them of being caught by proposals against “indirect feel it when they are told that MI5 has agents in being a non violent political party, to draw up incitement to terrorism”, “glorification of terror every mosque in the country. Imperial Students a list of unsuitable Muslim clerics who would acts” or “unacceptable behaviour” could only feel it when Education Secretary Ruth Kelly tells be excluded from Britain and also to establish curtail the freedom of thought. Opposition and Omar Hashmi our Rector, Sir Richard Sykes, to “identify and an ‘Extremism Taskforce’ to set standards for political dissent will effectively be outlawed. confront unacceptable behaviour” right here Imams that remain. The idealism that I subscribe to will not sit on campus, and Muslim community leaders are There was also the alarming move to extend well with some. I’ve been told by many to stay asked to help “identify and isolate” potential the maximum period of detention without trial quiet, to not “rock the boat”. I would like to see extremists. from fourteen days to three months. Personally, this attitude dispelled. Even though studying What is an extremist? Am I an extremist? I’m I do not believe the Government has the public at a science institute gives us ample opportu- Muslim. Everyone is telling me that this is fine. support to pass measures that would isolate a nity to ignore the wider world, I hope that we If I were old and wise, I would remember the British citizen for a three month detention. It can remember the plight of minorities who early 1950s, a time when every loyal member infringes on human dignity and is ultimately a were dehumanised for draconian legislation to of the United States would affirm their patriot- rather reactionary move. become law. Muslims can feel the spotlight on ism by making sure that no slither of socialism What concerns me most is the notion that “glo- them now, but we all realise that the oppressed was present in their family, friends, neighbours rifying terrorism” or “preaching hatred” will be minority tomorrow could be another defenceless and in fact anyone they knew. The ‘Red Scare’ considered a crime. The point of discussion and minority. Mr Blair, I will not let you change the pushed society to pressure individuals from debate is to overcome differences and to under- rules of the game (a copy of this week’s Felix ‘deviant’ political or social views towards the stand those of different points of view. In these has been sent to the Prime Minister). A society, popular view, even by suspending some civil strange times, we must endeavour to remain as which recognises and adapts to meet the chang- liberties, with the poor excuse of preserving open-minded and frank as possible to genuinely es of our time, is a challenge that I would relish.

14-15-1329.indd 2 5/10/05 12:47:44 pm felix Thursday 6 October 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 15

tance such as international politics, health and social welfare or reli- gion! No 1329 Almost got you! Unfortunately, my Thursday IQ isn’t up to the task, so I’ll stick to 6 October 2005 sarcasm and irony. [email protected] The top five things I hate about London. 1. Alcohol – How do you guys get felix drunk in this country! I went to the ing all the time. When something is pub the other day for a Barcardi Free sport offered for free everyone wants to and coke. 25ml of a 20%ABV drink! It’s about time sport was regarded get their ‘money’s worth’ from it. I would need two litres of vodka to with some importance by Imperial. Neil Mosley, has stated that they get even slightly tipsy! “ Up until now the sports facilities will constantly review usage pat- 2. Timetables - how on earth can at Imperial have been little better terns and there is the possibility you have lunch between 11.30 and Sports facilities than you would expect at a half- that we will have to book just to use 12.15, have dinner at 6pm, go out at decent sixth-form college, not the the gym. 9pm and come back at 2am? Looks at Imperial had third best University in the country. What about sport centres at other like you have shifted your daily The old sports centre was simply campuses? It seems strange to me schedule by 4 hours! been little better disgusting and even when I felt like to continue to charge for the gyms 3. Prices! - I pay more per week being active I was soon persuaded at Charing Cross, Hammersmith Diogo for a room than my government against it by the smell. Seriously, and Silwood. spends yearly on healthcare. than those you’d though the new centre does look The students at these campuses Everytime I go shopping I try not excellent, and it makes us feel a lit- do not have access to the new to burst out crying like a baby while expect at sixth- tle more loved by College. ‘state-of-the-art’ equipment, and Geraldes thinking about my future as beggar The decision to make gym and they will have to pay to use inferior on Oxford Street. form college. swim free is particularly welcome equipment. 4. Imperial Measures - Miles, at a time when being a student is One could be cynical and suggest ell, well we finally meet pints, feet, inches, driving on the becoming more and more expen- that Imperial’s sudden interest in again. You might be cursing left! Thanks to your gigantic British sive. sport is a result of the inclusion of WLondon buses for not run- ego I saw my life flashing before my However, I am a little worried BUSA points in university league ning me over or nature for not com- eyes while crossing the road last that the centre will be full to burst- tables. pletely destroying Portugal while week. It’s hard to go to uni while ” I was there. After a three month dodging double-decker buses. break from torturing Imperial’s 5. Handshakes – What’s wrong brilliant minds, I’ve decided to with kissing someone on the cheek? continue with my annoying task by You can’t get malaria or typhoid presenting you with another mas- by being affectionate! Why do you terpiece of literature. Diogo’s back shake hands with fit girls/guys and more sarcastic than ever! when you could rub your face next But, dont worry this year I’ll try to their perfect skin and think at not to stereotype everyone and I’ll least for a moment: I am the big- Letters raise matters of extreme impor- gest pimp in the world! would say. Girlie crushes are a feature of my life I don’t often Despite last week’s plea for letters none discuss. After all is said and done, I can’t treat them with the respect I’d like. Who would want have been received. Once again the author to sign the lady she loves up to life in a hostile family environ- ment? Mummy and Daddy Woods of the star letter will receive £10. Write to would not be impressed, as they are acutely homophobic when it comes to their own kids. What would the elders at temple think? [email protected] Culturally conservative efforts do not impress me; a tradition may have worked for the past 6,000 years, but it shouldn’t be immune to questioning/altera- tion to make it relevant in this enlightened age. The whole thing smacks of hypocrisy when my religion itself is supportive of all The Blue Book Diaries committed loving relationships between consenting adults! Unfortunately, due a Nine West o no one took my advice! The was going well, and we woke up habit thats left me in finacial hell, Saturday night ‘Mingle’ was a entangled in each others arms, I can’t afford not to live under my Sprime example of Imperial’s she looked angelic in the morning parent’s roof if I’m going to have downfall. The event had all the sunlight. We lay there exchanging any hope of completing my degree right settings for a fantastic time, words, and then out of the blue (those thoughts of Dr Stormy but as always everyone got over came those words everyman wants molesting fit patients do keep me excited and ridiculously drunk and to hear. going!). So I’ll keep to their rules crowded round the closest female “You’re the biggest I have ever for the time being. present. Again the intake of women slept with” Either way, my crushee is going was poor, but we were not really Wow! I almost exploded! I que- Stormy to be around for a good few years. expecting anything else! This is ried her big headedly….. We’ve already got the obliga- Imperial College of Science and “No seriously I’m not that big” tory friends in common and have Technology! “Yeah you are the biggest guy I many shared interests so should However one attractive female have ever slept with” Woods get to know each other more was spotted sporting a rather I was grinning like a Chesire cat, intimately. Seeing her around eye-catching yellow top (first year compliments are always great and totally makes my day – consider- medic). But, The Union was rather I had to hear it again! he past week has been a ably more so than the district dark at the time. I am keeping my “But am I really that big?” hectic one in the wonderful nurses Gulix mistakenly accused fingers crossed…I should have your “Seriously your the fattest guy I Tworld of Stormy. Not only did me of fancying! Fit nurses don’t number by the time this article is have ever slept with” I win Ebay tickets to see my sec- exist for starters; a good looking printed so guys don’t bother. My jaw dropped, it was not what ond favourite boy band of all time woman can earn better money It is not often that you get told I was expecting. I gathered her (nobody beats Take That), but I also hyping upcoming pop-stars or that you are biggest, but it actually clothes and chucked her out. We got to spend time with my newest selling over-priced property for happened to me recently. I met an have not spoken since. crush (and no, it’s not the drummer the dickheads in green graffiti- extremely attractive girl and one The only way to solve this prob- from Hoochie Coo, that’s old news!), stricken Mini’s. A good-looking thing led to another, and being in lem…shag fat chicks! the lovely Miss A. woman on an NHS ward tends to a whirlwind of attraction we ended Any questions or queries? Another girl(!), you say? be a doctor or, maybe, an occupa- Rob Robinson up in bed together. Everything [email protected] Indeedly, as the good Mr Flanders tional therapist.

14-15-1329.indd 3 5/10/05 12:22:11 pm felix 16 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 6 October 2005 coff ee break [email protected] David Hasselhoff wants you... FUCWITs rejoice: Coff ee Break is back, and so is Th e Hoff

So... What the FUC is FUCWIT? Hoff has twice as many friends as you ever will So, unless you’ve happened to have been more pun-tastic the better. So, you’re about to finish roomate. More often than not your roomate, especially when living in a cave for the past year, or you’re 3. Get a Felix. Not hard, they’re every- Freshers Week and beginning our oh-so-wise hall wardens there’s another hundred or so a fresher, you can’t fail to be unaware where. to settle down into normal decide to match up com- people to piss off instead. of the sexual phenomenon that is David 4. Work out the answers to our ‘hillari- university life. No longer will pletely incompatible people Unless you’re boring, staying Hasselhoff’s Coffee Break. ous’ questions. your evenings be spent explor- in some misguided effort to in halls should be about having However, for those of you who’re una- 5. Send your answers to coffee. ing the uncharted territories widen social horizons. Though a good time with people who in ware, or maybe a little slow, here’s a recap [email protected] of London’s seedy underbelly. I’m certain that there are ex- real life you would never have of what’s going on. 6. Receive points for your correct No, instead you’ll be spending alcoholics out there who’ve anything to do with. By now FUCWIT stands for Felix Ultimate Coffee answers, and earn your place in the incred- far too much time in halls. changed their wicked ways you should be past the ini- break Weekly Issued Tournament, and is ible league of FUCWITs. Living in halls will be a new thanks to their roomates intro- tial ice-breaker stage (“What our weekly quiz section. Let’s explain what 7. Do the same again next week experience for a lot of you, and ducing them to the joys of late- were your A-Levels again?”) you need to do: 8. And the week after that... is one of the defining aspects night study, and that there’s and onto actual terrifying 1. Find some friends, preferably ones 9. And after that too... of your time at university. ex-geeks who just can’t get conversation and socialising. with an in-depth knowledge of late eighties 10. Eventually, collect your amazing prize Therefore, it’s pretty impor- enough of Cheapskates, but Now’s the time for prooving WWF and the films of Rick Moranis. Sounds easy yeah? Well it is, so send tant to make the most of it. it’s not common. just how cool you are, and as 2. Think of a hillarious team name, the those emails now! If you’re unlucky you’ll have But of course, you don’t have everybody knows, the ultimate been thrown together with to spend all your time with barometer of cool is The Hoff.

Uncool Neighbours Getting smashed at Leaving a Society Entering FUCWIT V. Cool The Union

Getting smashed at Coming to Imperial Joining a Society Cheapskates Talking to a girl

Guess Who

The first FUCWIT quiz of the year is Guess Who, which is basically a retardedly simple guessing game. All you have to do is tell us who these nine celebrities (who’ve been cunningly disguised) are. There’s three points on offer for each cor- rect answer. If you’re struggling, here’s a clue. We have two VIPs, four actors, a sportsman, a musician, and one which can only be described as ‘Other’. As always, the answers and scores will be revealed in a cou- ple of week’s time. Emails, with Hail to The Chief, Our There’s something It’s a mirror image of Despite living on a diet answers and hillarious team first picture is a VIP, but about this girl, that we what was one of the of babyfood, this hero names, should be sent to coffee. not the sharpest knife in just can’t quite put our most popular royals. Not managed to keep law [email protected] 1 the drawer. 2 finger on. 3 hard. 4 and order in Detroit.

Hear we have an ex- A bit easy maybe... here’s The Hoff’s arch rival, A cuddly old uncle on Even though he almost boxer / kitchen innova- an ‘innocent’ musician, ex-Bouncer, Mercenary, one of Britains best single-handendly killed tor in disguise. Can you and allround freak. Boxer and Wrestler. Well loved sitcoms. During Batman, he’s still acting 5 guess who? 6 7 it’s not hard is it? 8 the war... 9 today. Do you hate Coffee Break? You think you can do better? Well, I'd like to see you try... We’re always looking for writers and Contributors here at Felix, and Coffee Break is no exception. If you think you can do better (and it’s not hard) send us an email at [email protected]. If you’d prefer to just send us insults and complaints, they’re welcome too. News from the Union... Sameena Misbahuddin - President Elections, Elections, Elections Faculty elections This month sees a number of elections to Union Committees. So if you want to get in- Some Faculty Unions are also having elections for a variety of positions. Look out for volved and actually make a difference, then why not stand for election… posters relevant for your faculty. The elections timetable for Faculty elections is the same as central Union elections and all works on the same electronic voting system (accessible Council through the Imperial College Union website). However, you can not vote in other faculty’s Governance to many may seem boring,………but if the Union is to work well then it is elections than your own (so don’t try ;-) ). vital that we make it work effectively. Why not get involved? Council is the governing body of the Union and is responsible for policy making and en- Thinking of standing then? suring the Union is serving its students well. A variety of issues are dealt with at Council, Nominations for all these positions are open now and close on Friday October 14th. To from Fairtrade policy to student accommodation - dealing with issues concerning the fi nd out more information about how to stand for these positions whole of the student body. Council is vital to everything we do – it tackles all the crucial See www.union.ic.ac.uk/elections. issues and if we’re to have any chance in challenging College decisions that we dislike, then we must be able to present a united front. Nominations to Executive Committee The Executive Committee is the management board of the Union, meeting fortnightly and Council meets monthly and is open to all to attend. There are 16 remaining positions to overseeing the Union operations. The committee consists of the Union President, Deputy be fi lled on this committee, of which at least two must be fi rst years and two postgradu- Presidents, Faculty Union Presidents and Overseas students’ committee chair. The ates, and for the rest a quota for each faculty. Committee will also have 2 representatives nominated from Student Activities committee (SAC), 1 from Welfare committee and 1 from Academic Affairs – these latter four are to Equal Opportunities Offi cer be nominated at the beginning of term, at and by the fi rst meeting of each of the commit- This offi cer will be responsible for ensuring that the Union’s Equal Opportunities Policy is tees – to fi nd the dates of these fi rst meetings check www.union.ic.ac.uk/meetings. upheld, and sits on Council and Welfare committee. Freshers’ Fair Trading & Retail Committee Tuesday saw another successful Imperial College Union Freshers’ Fair. A big thank you Oversees commercial activities of the Union and is the place to go to represent student goes out to all those who helped make it a success; all the CSC and Faculty Union com- views to ensure the bars, catering, shops and entertainments meet the needs of the stu- mittee members, the Sabbatical offi cers and Union staff members who helped through- dents. 4 positions up are for grabs on this committee and it meets once a month. out the day and all the Clubs and Societies who organised stalls and demonstrations welcoming students to a new term. And a special thank you goes to Simon Matthews Services Committee – Deputy President (Clubs & Societies) for organising the day. Oversees non-commercial services such as the Welfare service and services provided for Clubs and Societies. 4 positions are up for grabs and it meets once a month.

ULU There are up to 3 delegates for the University of London Union council to be voted for. Delegates need to attend the monthly meetings and ensure that Imperial’s needs are be- ing met by its parent university’s Union and to work with other London Unions. What’s happening at the ICSMSU? Danny McGuinnes - ICSMSU President

We’d had our little fi ngers crossed for several months and it appears that all that crossing the annual induction to the medical school. If asked to describe it I’d probably say it was a as worked. We have an amazing new intake! I’ve seen nothing like it. We’ve only had two mix between Fun House and the sinking of the Titanic. Think Cupid may have paid a visit, days of events so far and their enthusiasm would be very hard to rival (apologies to other as I’ve never seen so many people smooching in the Reynolds in my life. A very randy years, we love you too). Things kicked off with the BBQ on Sunday afternoon were it was bunch these young freshers! lovely to see 300 freshers’ eating to the point of vomit. Not content with eating 37 burgers in one sitting, one chap took a whole tray of left overs to see him through the week. Looks Anyhow, we’ve still got another 10 events to go at the time of writing and we’re hoping the like he’s learnt the art of student life already. newbies continue to represent as well as they have. You guys are awesome, I love you all. Now as for the Boat Party, not really sure where to start. One young lady managed to seduce the captain of the boat, much to the horror of all around them. Fortunately there Danny. x were no fatalities and no acute poisoning. Monday night saw the Freshers’ Roadshow,

DON’T HIDE FROM DISABILITY FOR INFORMATION ABOUT SERVICES AND FACILITIES AVAILABLE AT IMPERIAL TO HELP STUDENTS WITH DISABILITIES PICK UP A LEAFLET OR CONTACT THE INFORMATION & ADVICE SERVICE.

T: 020 7594 8067 E:[email protected]

Imperial College Union, Beit Quadrangle, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB. T: 020 7594 8060 www.union.imperial.ac.uk felix 18 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 6 October 2005 Mystic stars Dear Miss Confidentiality... Libra (Sept 23rd – Oct 22nd) Aries (Mar 21st – Apr 20th)

afraid he’ll just ignore me and eve- her side of the room for incriminat- I’m surprised you Flatmate been act- ryone will think I’m a killjoy. What ing evidence. haven’t auditioned for ing a little strangely do you suggest? big brother yet, you recently? Its’ prob- Dear Miss Confidentiality, love to be the centre ably a love affair gone Sleepless in South ken. of attention but the awry. Set your sights There’s this girl, I think she likes patience of people further, think aventur- Dear Sleepless in South ken, me but I’m not sure. She’s dropped around you is wearing thin. Time to ous thoughts. Be spontaneous. her books on my feet six times al- quite the façade and be yourself. Well at least if you have to kept up ready this week, I can’t figure out if Phrase for the week: finish what all night its good music, that has to she’s just really clumsy or trying to Phrase for the week: Do it upright. you start and start big things with count for something right!? Now get my attention. I often catch her Most compatible signs this week: optimism. Most compatible sign you mentioned that you’re really looking my way during lectures, Aries, Leo and other Libras. Lucky this week: Gemini Lucky Item: little and this guy is huge, but I’m but I can’t tell, my friends tell me item: sellotaped glasses fluffy kangaroo sure that he isn’t going to be a she may just have a squint. Its not brute and yell at you and be mean. that I’m not interested, I just don’t Scorpio (Oct 23rd – Nov 21st) Taurus (Apr 21st – May 21st) I’m sure that if you ask him he’ll want to make a fool out of myself. be decent and at least turn off the Shall I ask her out? Temptation to blow This week is a great subwoofers. Halls is all about learn- your student loan on week to expose ing to live with each other, but if Harvey booze may seem hard yourself (steady on!) you really are that scared you could to resist this week but to others points of always try talking to your sub-war- Dear Hopeful Harvey, priorities need to be view. Think before you Hi kids, I’m here to help you with den or re-apps.Trust me though, it assessed. What are speak and all will go all the worries you might have will be so much better coming from Mate are you serious!? Does she you waiting for? Get down to the well. Otherwise you may end up get- about life at uni and beyond. you, at least this way he won’t have like you? Umm that would be a yes! union! Its freshers. ting more than you bargained for. Please don’t hesitate to email me, to call out the crew from back home No questions! Do you need your [email protected]. I look to have you beaten up(not that he feet to be anymore bruised? Come Phrase for the week: Fix it and Phrase for the week: Plan it now. forward to hearing from you! would). on, I mean how many hints can a move on. Most compatible sign Most compatible sign this week: You’re not being a killjoy; everyone girl drop, she could always wonder this week: Taurus Lucky Item: IC Aquarius Lucky item: scissors Miss Confidentiality X knows that a girl needs her beauty round wearing a sandwich board swipe card, and gum! sleep, hours of relaxation guaran- with the words ‘Harvey I like you, Gemini (May 22nd – Jun 21st) Dear miss Con, teed to stop you from biting people’s ask me out’ printed on it, but that Sagittarius (Nov 22nd – Dec 21st) heads off. If you talk to them and would be taking it a bit too far. The This week is a chance I am very confused, and I don’t ask, they’ll most probably thank poor girl has lost her grip on sub- Want to become more for you to shine. Do know what to do. Last week I was you for it in the long run, anything tlety and you’re being the standard than just lab part- what it takes to show in a happy relationship with my is better than having to put up with clueless guy. ners? Well this is your off the assets that girlfriend from home. Now I’ve a girl on the warpath due to lack of Let me clear this up once and for week as the relation- make you special, come to uni and I’ve met someone sleep. Another way to show you’re all, she likes you, she really really ship elevator is going and make the most of else. I really like this person but I not a killjoy is to start a prank war, likes you! No she doesn’t have a up. Make the most of freshers’. Who are we to judge? Go still love my girlfriend, but she’s but be warned you may end up with squint; she just doesn’t seem to be that Bunsen before the flame burns get ‘em! not here. Kissing doesn’t count as more than you bargained for. abel to tear her eyes away from you. out. infidelity does it?? Your friends are either winding you Phrase for the week: Contribute Dear miss Con, up or are as hopelessly confused Phrase for the week: Tolerate and and then say nothing Most compat- Torn up tom and clueless as you are. If you don’t then say nothing ‘at this time’. Most ible sign this week: Libra Lucky Oh my god! I’m in a panic. My like her, I’d think about investing in compatible sign this week: Aries Item: a mirror Dear torn up tom, roommate has discovered my aw- a pair of thick shoes as I can’t see Lucky item: goggles ful secret, and so soon after we the book dropping ending anytime Cancer (Jun 22nd – Jul 22nd) Does kissing count as infidelity?? met! She’s found my collection soon. If you do like her, there is no Capricorn (Dec 22nd – Jan 19th) Umm how about a big fat whopping of………. Mills and Boon books! way asking her out will backfire, You want to make the yes! Cheating is cheating whether And I think she’s shown it to her and please do it soon and save her You’ve never been final decisions in your it’s a full blown orgy on a drunken boyfriend. I haven’t spoken to her before she hurts herself!! one to give much life. Should you reveal night out, or a tame kiss behind about it yet, but I just don’t know attention to karma, your true feelings to the bike shed. You’re still being what to say. I need to stop her tell- Dear miss confidentiality, preferring to rely on the hottie across the unfaithful. If you’re really consider- ing people. I hope she doesn’t think fact, well fate blind way? The stars urge ing being with this other girl, you I’m a weirdo. My friend is in a long distance eye has opened, and you to prise yourself away from the obviously don’t care as much for Fearful fresher relationship, and he talks to his its focused right on you, expect the computer and take some action. your girlfriend as you say. Unless of girlfriend on the phone a lot. Last unexpected. course you have an open relation- Dear Fearful fresher, time he spoke to her, she said she Phrase for the week: Do it ‘by ship, which by the way isn’t really was on the toilet, he said it freaked Phrase for the week: Caution has the numbers.’ Most compatible a relationship, but I won’t get into The words ‘slightly too much infor- him out, is this natural? its place but balance is always wel- sign this week: Virgo Lucky Item: that one right now. mation’ come to mind. Now I can Pee-ed off comed. Most compatible sign this drumsticks I think the best thing is to firstly see how this incident rates highly week: Leo Lucky Item: Anything sit down and talk to your girlfriend on the cringe factor, but at least it Dear Pee-ed off, Irish Leo (Jul 23rd – Aug 22nd) and see what she’s really expect- was just a soppy romance book, it ing. Maybe the best thing for you could have been so much worse. Umm, not exactly sure what you’re Aquarius (Jan 20th – Feb 18th) I spy with my lil eye both is to take a break, yes I know Hey it’s not an awful secret, so you asking. Well please tell ‘your friend’ an eventful week com- that ended in disaster for Ross and like to curl up and disappear into that people, no matter how gor- Now is the perfect ing your way. Romanc- Rachel, but I’m sure you’ll manage. a fantasy world with tall, dark, im- geous they are, do occasionally time to fall in love. es, drunken antics, Coming to uni already being part possibly romantic men, who make need to visit the bathroom and not If you’re single, put new friendships and of a relationship is never easy, as women swoon at first glance. just to have a shower. It is only yourself out there. the like. Be warned you’re both going to be experienc- At least you’re not some psycho- natural. I understand that he may If you’re not, things though, it may not last as the cards ing new things and growing apart, pathic killer or part of a nudist cult, have been slightly grossed out but could be getting hotter show a stormy time ahead. Will it maybe these new feelings are the which would be so much worse the answer to that is simple; ask as the cosmic forces have cooked rock the love boat? first sign of that. for your roommate. They are just her to call you after she’s finished up a spicy recipe guaranteed to books, unless of course you’re writ- her business, be it number one or increase the heat. Phrase for the week: If you don’t Dear miss C, ing Mills and Boons as code for a number two. I can understand how, ask, you’ll never know for sure. battery operated tool!? In which to you, your girlfriend is the most Phrase for the week: Avoid ‘gulli- Most compatible sign this week: I’ve just moved into halls, and all is case it’s natural and I’m sure that perfect thing in the world. I’m sure ble’ energies Most compatible sign Aries, Libra, Virgo and Leo. Lucky going great, but I’m finding it very you’re not the first and you won’t you do love her but, unfortunately this week: Cancer Lucky Item: red Item: whitening toothpaste. hard to get any sleep. The person be the last. Now I understand that you do have to come to terms with jumper in the room below me plays R&B you’re embarrassed, but the fast- the fact that she is human. Unless Virgo (Aug 23rd – Sep 22nd) from dusk till dawn every night. est way for this to blow over is to she is a robot in which case why is Pisces (Feb 19th – Mar 20th) The base is driving me crazy. I’m act like there is no problem, just she in the bathroom she may short- You feel as if you’re on really little and he’s really big and don’t make a big deal out of it! If she circuit! Things may seem hec- an emotional roller- I just have no idea what to do. I’m makes a big deal out of it, just raid tic, especially having coaster this week, to fend for yourself, don’t try and jump off reacquainting yourself halfway through the with the washing ma- ride. Enjoy it for what chine. Simplicity is the it is who cares if freshers’ flu is the Next week Uncle Will is standing in for Miss key, so remember to separate your result, you only live once. colours from your whites Confidentiality. You can contact him at the same Phrase for the week: Respect car- Phrase for the week: Take it ‘day ries weight. Most compatible sign by day’. Most compatible sign this this week: Taurus Lucky Item: e-mail address – [email protected] week: Aries Lucky Item: key ring paracetamol

Agony1329 final.indd 1 5/10/05 2:08:30 pm felix Thursday 6 October 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 19 Henley Royal Regatta 2005 Mike Walsh ferent one), who were always going to fight all the way to the line. As the crews passed our (slightly ille- Henley, the ‘Royal Regatta’, an event gal) gazebo, we were ahead and all heaped in traditions and old fash- looked rosy, however the commen- ioned etiquette, a genuine event on tary told the story as NUI gradually the social calender and a chance to closed the gap, from _ of a length get dressed up in top hats and tails. to _ a length, to _ of a length... But However, and many people seem to could they hold on? The wait for forget this, it is also the pinnacle of the final verdict was agonising, but the rowing season, and the main eventually it came: Victory for NUI target for the Imperial College Boat by 1 foot! Yes, that’s 1 foot in a 2,112 Club. metre long course. Gutted. The club went into the regatta on Anyway, on with the drinking, and a high, buoyed by the double success when all our Pimms had gone, it was of the girls’ squad at Women’s Henley on to the Barn Bar – an outdoor bar a fortnight beforehand, and a cheeky with horrendous queues and extor- novice sculls win at Richmond for tionate prices – but hey, it’s Henley. the Tron. What followed was general drunken- However, all was not well, with a ness, cavorting and revelry. Oh, and complication with the entries result- Charlie fell in the river. ing in one of our eights missing out. After the regatta most of the Boat Despite this, though, there was still Club went their separate ways, but a strong IC contingent looking to enough stuck together to put in bring back some silverware. This a decent showing at the National year most of the club’s top athletes Championships in Nottingham a were competing in fours: A coxless couple of weeks later. A haul of 3 four in the Visitors’ Challenge Cup, As they passed our vantage point, Anyhow, the Visitors’ four, a crew at the expense of Okeanos, from silver medals, in the mens Pairs, and two crews in the Men’s Student just before halfway, our boys were made up of three of last year’s win- Holland. Unfortunately, though, the Coxed Fours and Eights represent- Coxed Fours – an event which the over a length down and appeared to ning four along with ex-IC man Tom coxless four, crippled by the loss ing a good end to the competitive club won last year, along with the be struggling. However, it’s just not Gale, didn’t disappoint with a com- of Ed through illness, struggled season for ICBC. remaining eight. the IC way to give up, so back they fortable victory over a crew from to match a strong crew (also the Anyone interested in joining the First up on the Wednesday morn- came and in the space of the last Lake Victoria, South Africa. eventual winners) from the National Boat Club, whether you’re male, ing was the ‘A’ four, entered as a com- 500 metres rowed through Brookes With three crews still in the University of Ireland. So, one crew female, big, small, and no matter posite with Goldsmith’s College (due to take the race by 1 length! So, a regatta on Friday, this was look- left going into the weekend, and how much or little experience you to Ben’s perhaps misguided fond- good day all told, and with the fours ing like a pretty good year for the the rest of us headed for the pub, have of the sport, should get in ness for arty stuff), who comfortably off to get some well deserved rest, club. However the day didn’t start and then onto the glorious Latinos touch or keep an eye out for post- disposed of Durham Uni ‘B’. Next various members of the eight hit off that well, with the second coxed nightclub, where I don’t even think ers around college. For more infor- came some disappointment for the the town for some alcohol induced four coming up against a formidable anyone managed to get into a fight! mation contact the club captain at eight, who were never really in their shenanigans... crew from Durham Uni (the eventu- On Saturday the focus was on [email protected], or race and consequentially lost out to a Thursday morning came easier for al winners of the event) who looked two things: Firstly cheering on the the women’s captain at womenscap crew from the holders Nereus. After some than others, and with just the in control throughout and took the coxed four, and secondly drinking [email protected] a spot of lunch it was the turn of the one IC crew competing (the coxed win by one length. There was bet- lots (of other peoples’) Pimms. So We hope to see as many of you as second coxed four, who had drawn fours had a day off), this turned out ter news for the first four, who went first things first – they faced a deter- possible over the coming weeks and old rivals Oxford Brookes’ ‘B’ crew. to be the quietest day of the regatta. through with an ‘easily’ verdict mined Nat Uni of Ireland crew (a dif- months.

Tales from Two Cities! WANTED Hockey on tour Website Designer Hannah Marshall San Miguel, and Sangria pretty much again relishing the opportunity to sum it up! There was, however, also expand our scientific selves… The www.felixonline.co.uk the small matter of a fancy dress City of Science managed to draw us Ten days in Barcelona and Valencia night, which produced some inter- in and make us think about Genetics The felix website needs a refit. sounds like a good holiday to most esting pictures, captured the hearts and aeronautics again! There was, people, but add to that the thought of Spanish Grandmothers and lead however, the added bonus of a rath- of ten days with 26 IC hockey play- to a universal conclusion that men er nice aquarium, complete with Are you any good at web ers, and you’re pretty much in heav- should not wear hot pants!! Dolphin Show to capture our atten- en, right?! Well, I’m not sure what On this note, we thought it best tion and prove that learning really design? the Spaniards thought, but we had a to escape to Valencia, where we can be fun! pretty good time. focused our mind on the task ahead; The nightlife of Valencia also e-mail [email protected] Our first stop was Barcelona: which was to wow the Spanish hock- turned out to provide its fair share home of Gothic, Gaudi and Human ey players with our supreme on- of entertainment; once again You will get paid! Statues. pitch skills. Unfortunately, despite Sangria, San Miguel and Sangria With such a rich offering of culture, acclimatisation training one June applied, with the addition of a bit of Barcelona easily absorbed five days evening in Putney, nothing could Zambucca, and what started off as of our time, as we took in sites such prepare us for running around mid- some pretty good nights out turned as La Sagrada Familia, Park Guell, afternoon in 35º heat! The Spanish into excellent nights out, with the the Olympic Village, the Noucamp proved to be better adapted for these realisation that there were no hot- Advertising Manager Stadium. We also managed to spend conditions and despite some bril- pants on men in Valencia, and that a bit of time at the beach, where liant play by all the IC Tour Teams, dancing on bars is a near-manda- Felix attracts a considerable English cricket’s summer of suc- the Valencians emerged victorious. tory night-time activity! cess really began, as ICHC man- In spite of the sun stroke and not It was certainly a sad moment amount of advertising. aged to get even the Spanish peo- winning the matches, a couple of when this year’s Spain Tour had to ple interested in their enthralling good days of hockey were had by end, and the Tour Family dispanded, beach-style simulation of the Ashes! all, and most of us left the pitch but 26 IC hockey players started We need someone to deal It should also be noted that content and in search of an evening their summer hols on a high and Barcelona also boasts a world of refreshment. JLo on the other only need to glance at the photos with advertising bookings and famous Communications Tower, hand, left with a school girl’s mobile on the website to burst into fits of which delighted the more physics- number and Shiv Henn left with a giggles, which is a sure sign that invoicing customers. orientated hockey players amongst hole in her leg. But it was all good! next year’s tour has a lot to live us, giving them a chance to revel in Honest!! up to!!For more tour highlights and It will look great on your CV! their engineering roots amidst an When we weren’t playing hockey incriminating photos, take a look at otherwise sports and culture orien- in Valencia, we occupied ourselves www.imperialhockey.co.uk tated trip! with more beach action, mini tours e-mail [email protected] Barcelona’s nightlife also deserve of the old town, market, and walks a mention. I think the words Sangria, along the river bed, as well as once

sportlatest.indd 2 5/10/05 1:20:12 pm felix 20 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 6 October 2005

sport [email protected] Brown on sport

Stephen Brown been changed so that Sky may show and onto our television screens. Sports Editor four or five games in one weekend. Wage caps? No chance! Socialism “Why should Rupert Murdoch get is a doctrine that has been tested to As the Premiership season to specify when my beloved team destruction across the world. We’d progresses the cries in the national plays?” I hear you cry. Well this is have to be fairly stupid to allow it to media seem to have deviated from why. You want to watch megastars poison our Premiership claims made in previous years about on mega-salaries? Then the game So self-righteous whingers please it being the best league in the world has to have the ability to generate leave our game alone. We know you to performing some sort of long the funds to assemble your dream are probably part of the brigade who drawn out funeral sermon. Most of team. Apart from the occasional oli- declared cricket the “new” football these premature obituaries cover garch the vast majority of clubs rely following England’s magnificent tri- a variety of the games alleged ills on their supporters for cash flow. umph over Australia. Whilst it is from falling attendance levels to the Increased media coverage makes always good to see (dare I say it) dominance of Chelsea via the view clubs far more marketable and the less well followed sports have that the game is now just plain bor- hence more profitable. Any loss on their day at the same time it is ing. Some commentators were even matchday ticket sales to television delusional to think that any sport prepared to back up their claims will be dwarfed by the sums of addi- will overtake football as our chief with their own cash. In the sports tional revenue teams have enjoyed sporta franca in terms of revenue speculators bible The Racing Post over the past ten years from the sat- and viewing figures. Who has the tipster Tony Cascarino advised read- ellite companies and also by indirect gall to present fans with these false ers to bet Liverpool and Chelsea income via the extra fans drawn to dichotomies? I mean following foot- to play out another scoreless draw. the game by all this new publicity. ball and cricket, rugby or whatever Hopefully the resulting 4-1 scoreline In particular this rings true with else you are interested in are not didn’t hurt too many pockets. Here regards to the overseas markets. mutually exclusive pursuits. Lastly now is a brief outline of some of the Some lament the fact that the game to those of you who now believe recent whinges about the beautiful is now in thrall to big money. When the game is now just boring due to game and why they should not be people mention big money the team the tactical conservatism of some listened to. that springs to mind is Abramovich’s managers. This is a perfectly valid A common complaint this season Chelsea. To an extent money does opinion but before expressing it so is that matchday attendance figures buy success in terms of the person- vehemently I urge you to consider have suffered due to a combination nel you can afford but no amount of following Mr Cascarino’s example of excessive TV coverage and high cash can buy team spirit or tactical and putting your money where your ticket prices. Increased prices are genius both of which Chelsea have mouth is. It would be churlish to just an inevitable consequence of by the bucketload. It was only a few criticise the game otherwise. the games immense popularity so years ago that Man Utd suppos- For those of you who really want tough cheese. It could be argued edly had an unassailable postion at to affirm your loyalty to the game that high prices actually allow more the top of the game. Not even the what could be a better tribute than fans to see their team at some point most diehard red would make that playing yourself? IC Football Club in the season as it reduces demand claim now. Best of luck to Chelsea I are currently recruiting for the for “regular” tickets. Sympathy hope they enjoy their purple patch new season with trials taking place must be felt for the fans who have but it is by no means a permanent this Saturday. With seven teams all Please send your sports to travel long distances in time for arrangement. The finances of foot- standards of player are welcomed a midday Saturday kick-off but at ball are merely an example of the in to the fold so come along. If the same time we must accept that free market system that is responsi- your missed signing up at freshers reviews and reports to the days of the entire fixture card ble for our great society in its purest fair but still want to get involved kicking off at 3pm are consigned to form. Astronomical salaries for the contact the club captain at mark. [email protected] history and that the game is better outrageously talented ensure that [email protected]. off because of it. Schedules have only the best make it onto the pitch

Quick Crossword by Turnip Henry

1 2 3 4 5 6 Across Down 1. Uneasiness (5) 1. Seemingly, but not so (5) 7 8 4. Style of column (5) 2. Armed forces (4) 7. Precise (5) 3. Chronic fatigue (1,1) 9 10 9. Highest point (of achievement) (4) 4. Psanmead (2) 10. Opposite of prose (4) 5. Midday (4) 11 12 13. In the event that (2) 6. Celebrity feature role (5) 15. Rope or similar for executing (7) 8. Substance stimulating sexual desire (11) 13 14 15 16 16. To function properly (2) 11. Pale zircon (7) 17. Capital of Burkina Faso (11) 12. Fruit and pastry roll (7) 18. Operating room (2) 14. Ground wheat (5) 19. Pistol holder (7) 16. Width of film (5) 17 20. Alien film star (1,1) 18. Egg-shaped (5) 24. Woodwind instrument (4) 21. Native American symbol or badge (5) 25. Male deer (4) 22. State of unconciousness (4) 18 19 20 21 26. Cut of pork (5) 23. The three wise men (4) 28. Male duck (5) 26. To exist (2) 22 23 29. Drug (5) 27. Negative response (2)

24 25

26 27

28 29

sportlatest.indd 1 5/10/05 1:23:01 pm