SPQR - E102 - GLADIATOR TRAINING Written by: PivotShadow and Jim Hodgson NARRATOR For the Glory of , we join ancient home-challenged gladiator Magnus on the city streets as he and our hero Atticus walk toward the arena. It is a new day! MAGNUS Hey there, kid. Enjoy your first night in the barracks? ATTICUS Not really. There’s a hole in the ceiling. Water dripped on me all night. MAGNUS Ooh you got the room with the skylight! ATTICUS Hey, if you’re a gladiator, why don’t you sleep in the barracks? MAGNUS I prefer the freedom of the open sewer. Besides, there’s a hole in the ceiling. ATTICUS Is there any room in the sewer? Maybe I could try that. MAGNUS No. Totally full. The location’s unbelievable. Now, are you ready for your tour of the arena? ATTICUS Screw that. I want to pass my gladiator training. Give me the test, old man. I’m ready. For the glory of Rome! MAGNUS Pull back on the reins there, Speedicus Maximus. Domitia says I have to train you, but I get to do it my way. 2.

ATTICUS I’m surprised you have training standards. MAGNUS She’s contractually obligated to show you around. If I handle it for her, then later on she’ll let me.. ATTICUS Oh my god. Stop. I don’t want to hear about the weird rich person old vagrant sex you do. MAGNUS Then I guess you’re doing things my way. For this next test, hand me your coin purse. ATTICUS Forget it. MAGNUS Congrats. You passed that test. ATTICUS Then stop trying to pull it off my belt! NARRATOR And so, the training began with a tour of the arena, hallowed ground where only the strong prevail! ATTICUS God, the smell. Why do people pay to come here? MAGNUS Maybe it’s something in the water. ATTICUS You mean like the lead poisoning we all have? MAGNUS Exactly. puts lead in the aqueducts. Mind control plot. Can’t tell me it’s coincidence. ATTICUS No, our plumbing is all made of lead. (MORE) 3. ATTICUS (CONT'D) That’s why it’s called “plumbing.” From the Greek “Plumbum.” MAGNUS (Sarcastic) Yeah. We get our water from magical underground pipes? Sure. I’ll believe it when I see it. ATTICUS Look. There’s a lead pipe right there. Water is pouring into a bowl of street muck labeled “coffee!” MAGNUS Take off your lead foil hat, wacko. Now, gladiator trainee, look under your feet. Pros call this stuff sand. ATTICUS Looks like garbage. MAGNUS Okay, yeah, that thing you’re standing on might be garbage. Wait, no. It’s a beer mat! Gimme that. ATTICUS Ew, you’re touching garbage. MAGNUS Psh. This is perfectly good. Look, it has a joke written on it! What do you call a general with epileptic fits? ATTICUS I’m starting to think my life is a garbage joke. What am I doing here? MAGNUS Julius Seizure! ATTICUS (Pause) I think my brain just threw up. Literally. Inside my skull. It doesn’t even have a mouth. MAGNUS Ugh. Tough crowd. All right, fine, let’s go see some weapons. 4.

NARRATOR Atticus followed the peculiar old gladiator down into the bowels of the Earth below the arena! ATTICUS Finally. Real weapons! I’ve been waiting for this my whole life. What’s this you’re handing me? MAGNUS It’s a javelin. ATTICUS This is a sign post. MAGNUS You don’t know! What you’re holding is a precision instrument, carved from finest oak by the most skilled craftsman this side of the Tiber. ATTICUS Says “, 20 miles” on it. MAGNUS Do you want to gladiate or not, kid? ATTICUS What kind of gladiator am I meant to be, anyway? Eques the horse guy? Venator, the hunter? MAGNUS Oh we have a whole new javilin- based type made up for you. Get this: The Jaculator ATTICUS The what. MAGNUS It’s for “One who throws or casts.” ATTICUS I know that. We’re speaking Latin right now. But I don’t want to be “The Jaculator.” 5.

MAGNUS Well, it’s too late. Pompilius is putting up Jaculator posters all over town with your face on them. ATTICUS I didn’t sign up for this! MAGNUS Yes you did. You signed up for exactly this. ATTICUS I wanted to take on dozens of men, bare-chested, grunting with the effort, and all for the glory of rome! MAGNUS Sounds like a Jaculator to me. ATTICUS I’ll just keep my sword. MAGNUS That’s not how it works, kid. This is your one shot to gladiate. It’s jaculator or nothing. ATTICUS Fine. I’ll do it, I guess. For the glory of Rome. MAGNUS Good man. Now take your javelin there and practice on me. ATTICUS I don’t want to hurt you. MAGNUS Come on, if you want to be a Jaculator you gotta put in the work. Now hurry up and stick your javelin into- CLAUDIA Hey, what’s going on here? ATTICUS I wish I knew. 6.

CLAUDIA Ooh, combat practice? Can I join you? ATTICUS (Eagerly) Yeah! Of course you can! MAGNUS You know what your mother thinks, Claudia. She thinks you should leave it to us professionals. CLAUDIA She’s also in favor of recycling poor people into towelettes. Come on. She doesn’t have to know. MAGNUS Eh. It’s your funeral. Avitus, give her your sword. ATTICUS It’s Atticus. MAGNUS Ugh, naming your sword? So passé. ATTICUS No, I mean- Ugh. How come she gets a sword and I get an oversized toothpick? MAGNUS Good question. Let’s see. Raise your hand if you’re the daughter of my lover who happens to be my boss and owner of this arena. Okay. Now raise your hand if you’re a lowlife plumbum conspiracy theorist who can’t even appreciate a good skylight. Hey, how about that. ATTICUS Fine. Sword unsheathing sound. Schwing! ATTICUS (CONT’D) Be careful with it. CLAUDIA It’s got a great hand feel. 7.

ATTICUS Why are you holding it like that? With the point down on the ground? MAGNUS Yeah, this isn’t golf. CLAUDIA Sorry, I was raised wealthy. We think of everything in terms of golf. ATTICUS What’s golf? MAGNUS A great way to ruin a neighborhood. CLAUDIA I hold a sword my way, guys, all right? This is how I feel comfortable. Atticus, bring it on. ATTICUS I don’t think I can fight a woman. I’m not an abusive chauvinist. CLAUDIA If you don’t fight me you’re boring AND a chauvinist. MAGNUS And you’ll fail gladiator training. I demand that you jaculate. Immediately! ATTICUS Very well then. I bear you no ill will, my lady. I think your eyes are interesting and I like the sound of your breathing too. CLAUDIA What? ATTICUS But if I must do battle with you for the Glory of Rome then prepare to witness my jaculation! Hi-yah! Sound of wood clattering to the ground. CLAUDIA Hi-ya-Ouch! I cut my foot! 8.

ATTICUS Claudia! Are you okay? Here, let me bandage your wound. There’s a piece of cloth in this garbage pile. CLAUDIA Oh, thank you, Atticus. I guess my sword style really does need work. MAGNUS That was the single worst battle I’ve ever seen, and I once fought a sewer rat for an olive pit. ATTICUS Aw man. MAGNUS But I have good news, Atticus, you passed your gladiator training. Congratulations! ATTICUS I passed? How? MAGNUS I told you to fight her, and she’s now out of commission. So, you win. You’re a gladiator now. ATTICUS I have mixed emotions. MAGNUS Do what I do. Push them deep, deep down inside you and bury them in a mountain of substance abuse and meaningless sex. CLAUDIA You could try golf too. It’s not that fun but it’s expensive. ATTICUS This is not how I thought this would go down. MAGNUS You’d better hurry. You need to prepare for your first fight. ATTICUS My first battle? For the Glory of Rome! When is it? 9.

MAGNUS 15 minutes. ATTICUS What? NARRATOR Fourteen minutes later, our brave warrior steps into the arena for the first time as a gladiator. For the glory of Rome! POMPILIUS Welcome one and all to the battle of the century! CROWD (Speaking over one another) Yeah, right. Not likely. We’re sitting in garbage. POMPILIUS Your newest gladiator, Atticus the Jaculator, will do battle against the rabid wolf of Ravenna! ATTICUS What? MAGNUS Don’t worry, it’s only a sewer rat. ATTICUS Oh I can probably handle- POMPILIUS Release the wolf! Animal noises. Atticus screams. Crowd roars. MAGNUS Look at those moves. CLAUDIA I can’t watch. How’s he doing? MAGNUS The rat? He’s amazing. Badass incarnate. 10.

ATTICUS Help me! Help! Its biting my toes off. Jaculating isn’t helping at all! CROWD Ew, gross. Why would that help? Yuck! CLAUDIA I’ll save you, Atticus! Sword swinging sound. Splat sound. CROWD Booo! Not fair! She chopped the rat. What is this, golf? Boo! NARRATOR And so, our hero was saved. The crowd went home angry and Domitia showed up to congratulate Atticus. DOMITIA Wow, you guys really pissed them off. ATTICUS Thanks for saving me, Claudia. CLAUDIA Sorry I cut your foot. ATTICUS That’s okay. At least I’m a real gladiator now. DOMITIA What, you want to be the Jaculator? I thought for sure that would run you off. ATTICUS Nope. In fact, I’m proud! For the glory of Rome! DOMITIA Someone’s getting a bigger skylight.