Parental Alienation and Extreme Alignment

When Parents Break Children’s Loving Bonds

When Children choose the Other Parent

The material in this presentation may be upsetting to parents who have lost children or to children who have lost parents to parental alienation or to those people to whom alienation is justified.

Therefore, please exercise your own self-care

The material in this presentation is meant to apply in a general manner and is not tailored to individual circumstances.

The efficacy of the interventions described here depend upon your individual circumstances and may have unintended effects if used without coaching or training. It has taken me many years to work through my own pain and outrage to get to this point. Your children’s and your parents’ lives are at stake so please do not use this material unless you feel competent to do so. This is because I make no representations about the content and suitability of this information for any purpose. It is provided "as is" without express or implied warranty.

I disclaim all warranties with regard to this information, including all implied warranties or merchantability and fitness. In no event shall I be liable for any special, indirect or consequential damages or any damages whatsoever resulting from loss of use, data or profits, distress or hurt whether in an action of contract, negligence or other tortious action, rising out of or in connection with the use or performance of this information.

In other words, use this material at your own risk and please contact me (details at the end) if you require assistance!

When you access this material you agree that: You may retrieve these materials for information only.

You may save a local copy or send it to your printer for your own personal use or in order to inform authorised and potential users about these materials. However, you may not make any charge for such use and any commercial exploitation is expressly prohibited.

You must include the copyright notice and the author’s name in any copy that you make.

You may not modify the information without my express permission.

Some of you have difficult relationships or lost contact with your children

Some of you have high conflict uncooperative relationships with your ex-partner with whom you must manage shared care

Some of you have inadvertently engaged in alienating behaviour without realising what you are doing and the effect it has had on your children

Some of you may have deliberately engaged in alienating your children from your ex-partner

Some of you have not realised the campaign your ex-partner has waged against you using your children as weapons

Some of you have given up without letting go

Some of you have let go without giving up

Some of you are working with alienated parents and/or their children or with alienating parents

Most of you are wondering how this all happens and what you can do about it

And some of you enjoy happy relationships with your ex-partner, current partner, children from previous relationships with your children from the current relationship and your stepchildren

High conflict divorce and separation I am a professional counsellor, I have not seen my child since 2005 psychotherapist and coach

My child believes a lie I am seeking to change the culture and understanding amongst my colleagues about the abusive process of alienation Flagrant and unenforceable breaches of court orders for access So that they are not fooled by the alienation subterfuge A campaign against me using the children

I work with stepfamilies and parents. Criminal activity

They struggle to appreciate what is Legal, administrative and financial abuse happening with their children

Court ordered interventions Help them stop inadvertently reinforced alienation processes reinforcing the alienation

Child support-the ‘kidnappers Coaching to maintain or re-establish ransom’ relationships with their children

Family reports held my ex-partner accountable-but left child with her Financial Attrition-legal fees >$100K

Outline a definition and understanding of parental alienation, extreme alignment and alienation processes

Leave you with an appreciation of the harm alienation processes do to children

The dilemma for practitioners and those seeking and making legal remedies

Strategies for dealing with parental alienation are often counterintuitive

The lack of recognition in Australia and Its lack of credibility as a syndrome

A lack of understanding and appreciation of its dynamics amongst practitioners

Outline strategies for dealing with an alienating child and alienating parent- do’s and don’t’s

Getting support

Why counselling, mediation and other interventions may not work-and what does

Parental Alienation

A set of processes and behaviours conducted and enacted by a parent to deliberately and knowingly damage or sever the relationship between a child and another parent with whom the child enjoyed a prior loving relationship

Alienating Behaviour

Various acts and omissions by a parent that damage the relationship between the child and the other parent

Alienating Processes

A related set of acts, omissions and behaviours that together act as a system or a process, the outcome of which is a particular alienating outcome or effect upon the child

PAS-Parental Alienation Syndrome-not universally recognised

Not unique related cluster of behaviours or symptoms that can be identified to the exclusion of other considerations by unique diagnostic characteristics

Other explanations-bad parenting!

Not accepted by professionals and practitioners and not currently included in DSM-V despite a concerted campaign

Inadequate research-Gardners work is often attacked and reformulated

DRMMS or DRMFS-Divorce Related Malicious Mother/Father Syndrome

Pejorative and gendered not clinical description

The Medea Syndrome or complex

Greek myth, Medea kills her children to punish Jason, her errant husband- gendered

A metaphor for the human tendency to punish those who have hurt us by using those whom they love against the target person without regard for the loved ones (often children) welfare.

A metaphor for the human tendency not to be manipulated into hurting the ones we love

Children have their own reasons for hating you! adolescent/teenage oppositional behaviour

Natural reactions to shattering the security of a family

A child directs their negative behaviour to both parents

The child is angry and hurt and still genuinely loves and expresses that love to both parents

Negative reactions are occasional and temporary

Negative reactions occur in particular situations

Abuse

Bad or inadequate parenting

Extreme alignment When a child naturally aligns with one parent and not to (or less with) the other Neither parent deliberately exploits the child’s alignment

Separation anxiety

Parenting skills

Normal oppositional behaviour

May result from a parents acts or omissions e.g. parenting style and skills

Or just who you are, and who they are

Age and stage appropriate alignment

Only women do it

Only men do it

Men are more prepared to kill their children than women

Causes un-founded allegations of sexual and other abuse

Where other forms of abuse have occurred-it is NOT alienation but alienation may result from abuse-must be ruled out

Used as a defence against allegations of sexual and other abuse

As for unfounded allegations-double bind for men

Is a recognised diagnosable syndrome or mental illness

No accepted evidence that it is unique and can be differentially diagnosed

Parents who engage in parental alienation may not be mentally ill but mental illness can be involved

It is not a form of family violence or child abuse Insufficient studies and research

It is abuse against children

Naïve May engage in certain alienating behaviours in certain situations

Will usually support the child’s relationship with the other parent

May cease their behaviour Once they are aware of the distress they are causing their children-Child focussed practice

Improve their parenting

Active Actively alienate their children against the other parent

Emotionally reactive Lose control over their behaviour to feelings of intense hurt and anger

Reaction to the hostility of the separation and divorce and its explicit rejection of them

They may know that they should be supporting the child’s relationship with the other parent

Cannot control their behaviour or their emotions

May cease with intervention and countermeasures As long as a relationship exists between the target parent and the child

Obsessed Actively alienate their children against the other parent using all means available

Do not appreciate or accept that they are harming their children

Do not accept or appreciate that the child may be attached to both parents

Intentionally aiming to destroy the relationship between the child and the other parent

May not be able separate their own negative feelings about the other parent from the child’s independent relationship with both parents May not be able to separate themselves from their children

May believe they have a duty to save their children from the other parent In the absence of any abuse

“Who controls the past controls the future”

George Orwell

What environment does it thrive in? Fear

High conflict

Isolation

Relocation or in extreme cases kidnapping

Ignorance

Poor parenting

Poor or inadequate boundaries

Discount the role of the other parent Stage 1 Create the Alienating Environment Use isolation, conflict and power

Denigrate the target parent Stage 2 Convince the Child to Contrary ‘Truth ’

Force the Child to align strongly with Stage 3 Create a Loyalty Conflict one parent against the other

Manipulate the child to turn away from Force The Child to Stage 4 the formerly loved parent Resolve the Conflict

Support the child to engage in irrational, Stage 5 Alienate the Child unfounded, exaggerated criticisms of the rejected parent

Sever the Previously Make the child unhappy and unwilling to be with Stage 6 the target parent Loving Relationship

The ‘Status quo for Legal, Social and Financial Services Stage 7 Enforce Severance

Denigrating and de-valuing the target parent To the child or in the child’s presence/indirectly

Impose lies, and inaccuracies

Selective attention onto minor flaws

Confiding adult only information

First name basis

Sabotaging time the child spends with the target parent Withholding or destroying gifts and letters from the alienated parent to the child

Interfering with, monitoring or intercepting communications

Interfering with personal time scheduling competing activities

excessively making contact with the child whilst in the company of the alienated parent

Pretexts, changing pickup drop-off locations and times

Destroying and undermining memories and relationships Sanctioning the child’s reference to the alienated parent or to referring to photographs or letters

Destroying evidence of previously happy relationships between the child and the alienated parent

Involving the alienated child to spy on or keep secrets from the rejected parent

Involving the alienated child in a loyalty conflict, forcing them to choose between parents

Provoking conflict between the child and the alienated parent

Interrogating child about the time with the alienated parent

Indoctrinating the child about adult issues beyond the age or stage of understanding Financial, often child-support Relational, separation and divorce

Manipulating the child to reject the target parent Making parental love conditional upon rejecting the target parent

Inducing feelings of guilt for having fun with or feeling love toward the rejected parent

The alienating parent portrays themselves as vulnerable requiring the care and protection of the child To the exclusion of the target parent

Demoting and devaluing the rejected parent’s role in the child’s life Withholding crucial information about the child’s life from the rejected parent Medical, educational

Not inviting the rejected parent to or informing them of significant events in the child’s life

Revising history to minimise and de-value the role of the target parent

Demote the target parent by referring to them by their first name to the child

Appeal to your child’s rational thinking -Let children know that you may have a different understanding of the situation Agree to disagree

Break down unsubstantiated and/or absurd beliefs or accusations Careful!

Highlight inconsistencies of pejorative or denigrating remarks

Help your child appropriately challenge the alienating parent Who, what, why, when? Expose contradictions and fabrications

Let your child know in any possible way that you love them Be neutral and help your children be neutral

Empathy-appreciate their dilemma-fear of losing the alienating parent-not you!

Maintain your shared care schedule whether you know the child will be there are not

Create or remind them of positive healing experiences and memories

Use covert channels Who else has a relationship with your children

Build or rebuild bridges

Continue all forms of positive communication regardless of whether your child accepts or rejects them Indirect messages of love

Examples that show your children that they are not alone-e.g books/movies about children like them

Allow them to overhear you talking about them lovingly

Movies, social media, social networking

Make yourself a better person and a better parent Right the wrongs

Indirectly expose the alienating pattern Discuss situations analogous to theirs-e.g the selective focus of advertising

Show them how people form irrational views

Allow your children to experience you as different from whom they were told to expect

Be STRATEGIC and EMPATHETIC! Timing-wait until your children are receptive

A crisis! When the alienating parent cannot cope

Think about it: why does your child reject you?

Educate yourself about alienation processes and about the range of countermeasures available to you Do not step into the traps set by the alienating parent

Attempt to work constructively and strategically with the alienating parent-“Know your enemy” Tailor your approach for the type of person E.g. Reassure the paranoid or insecure alienator

Eliminate provocations for the vengeful alienator

For the narcissistic alienator seeking validation of their superior parenting Empathy for the children-not the narcissist Narcissistic people may have little capacity for empathy

Do not criticise the validation seeker

Manage high frequency contact for the hateful alienator

Know when NOT to deal with the alienating parent Obsessive

“The best revenge is to be unlike him who performed the injury. “

Marcus Aurelius

Retaliate with the same behaviour as the alienating parent

Attempt to influence your child against the alienating parent

Ignore the problem

Seek support from someone who does not understand alienation processes

Engage in a competition to see who can be the better parent

Expand the scope or exacerbate the conflict

Mount defensive arguments with your child or argue with them about alienation

Confuse letting go with giving up

Hatred by Association-enmity towards the target parent’s extended family without known reason

No ambivalence

Uses adult concepts beyond age and stage of understanding

Parrots the favoured alienating parent without regard for their own historical experience with the target parent

The child asserts that their views have been independently formed but are unable to explain or show evidence of how they came to such beliefs

Refuses to spend time with visits or communicate with the rejected parent without rational explanation

Fixed negative beliefs about the rejected parent based upon past events that would not ordinarily be warranted

They are frightened of the alienating parent

Children may feel the need to protect the parent who is the most vulnerable or who portrays themselves as such

Your child may have unresolved feelings about you, the rejected parent Hold you accountable for the separation and divorce

Hold you accountable for shattering the security of their family Alienating parents exploit these unresolved feelings

You need to improve your parenting!

You have been complicit in some way

They know that you will always be there for them

Jealousy Insecurity

Reaction against re-partnering, remarriage and step family Guilt

A hate-based relationship (better Narcissism than none)

Litigation-fundamentally a hostile Revenge adversarial process that creates a status quo upheld by the court Poor boundaries

Hostility toward children

Paranoia

Validation seeking Specific strategies for working with different types of people

Unresolved guilt and shame about rejecting a parent

Issues of trust with intimate relationships

Low self-esteem

Learn that parents and loved ones are disposable and may be disrespected and exploited

“Conditional” unconditional love

Cynicism and difficulty with authority

Intergenerational alienation What goes around comes around

Unresolved complex grief Disenfranchised

The type of death without a death, “a pain that never ends”

Parents and extended family members may die before reconciliation occurs

Unrequited anger A violation that cannot be undone-no reparation

Disenfranchised-nobody gets it

The “de compassioned self”

Depression

Cynicism towards intimate relationships and/or authority

Low self-esteem

Letting go but not giving up-a strategic withdrawal whilst leaving the door ajar The children may need to reach a more mature stage before realising what has happened to them and why you are not in their life

Leave a written or visual record

A final meeting or communication

Criteria Minimising their anxiety and uncertainty

You have exhausted all possibilities and there are no new approaches at this time

You may provoke the alienating parent into further abusive action

No legal or therapeutic interventions are available or have worked

The alienating children are too emotionally unstable to return to relationship with you

An understanding practitioner whom you trust and who knows the alienating process has advised you to consider this possibility

Letting go may open up new possibilities

"Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see."

Neil Postman, The Disappearance of Childhood

About your ex-partner Have absolutely no intention of changing their behaviour They maintain the same alienating behaviour, even when engaging in an intervention They may make the intervention complicit and a party to alienating abuse

Will not cooperate or involve themselves in any remediation, voluntarily or by mandate

Mental illness

About you You need to improve your parenting

You need to address issues about your own complicity

You keep falling into the traps set by the alienating parent

About the practitioner Are gendered

Lack of understanding of alienation as an abusive process Minimise its effects or its validity

May advise you or the courts to back off when you should be intervening or vice versa

Will not involve the alienated parent

Are not prepared to consider removing the child from the alienating parent-Because the child is “attached” to them and not to the target parent

About the practitioner

Captured by orthodoxies e.g family violence, attachment theory

Are not neutral

Are not prepared to question the rationality of children’s negative views of the alienated parent

Over emphasise the status quo and that children “vote with their feet”

There is nothing wrong with the alienated parent

The alienated parent needs to experience that they are supported, understood and validated

Education and coaching in how alienation works and how to counter it Countermeasures for particular strategies used by alienating parents and for particular types of alienating parents

Building covert channels to your children

Counselling and coaching focused on helping the child maintain a relationship with both parents

Education to improve parenting

Emotional, mental, spiritual resilience, flexibility and adaptability Emotionally and relationally strategic-not reactive

It is a long haul

Not all children realise what is happening

Children may need to become adults before appreciating what has happened to them and to you

Some parents never see their children again.

Too late at the court room door Status quo already in place

Need a new status quo

Trial by expert Does your legal expert and/or family consultant appreciate alienation dynamics?

Mediation

Why litigate? Children caught in the middle-are YOU going to shoot the hostage?

Never too late Prevention: coaching before separation and legal processes Create the status quo in the best interests of the child

Informs the “expert” of the basis for their “recommendations” Beat them at their own game

Post-vention: coaching afterwards Maintain or rebuild relationships with your children

Working “with” the alienating parent

Children DO vote with their hearts and move with their feet

Baker, A. J. L. (2007). Adult children of parental alienation syndrome: breaking the ties that bind . New York: W.W Norton & Co. Gardner, R. (1987). Parental alienation syndrome and the differentiation between fabricated and genuine sexual abuse . New Jersey: Creskill, Creative Therapeutics. Gardner, R. (1989). Family evaluation in child custody, mediation, arbitration and litigation . New Jersey: Creskill, Creative Therapeutics. Gardner, R. A. (2004). Commentary on Kelly and Johnston's "The Alienated Child: A reformulation of parental alienation syndrome.". Family Court Review Vol 42(4) Oct 2004, 611-621 . Johnston, J. R., & Kelly, J. B. (2004). Rejoinder to Gardner's "Commentary on Kelly and Johnston's 'The Alienated Child: A reformulation of parental alienation syndrome.'". Family Court Review Vol 42(4) Oct 2004, 622-628 . Kelly, J. B., & Johnston, J. R. (2001). The Alienated Child: a Reformulation of Parental Alienation Syndrome. Family Court Review, 39 (3), 249-266. Lowenstein, L. F. (1998). PARENT ALIENATION SYNDROME: A TWO STEP APPROACH TOWARD A SOLUTION. Contemporary Family Therapy: An International Journal December, 20 (4), 505-520. Lowenstein, L. F. (2007). Parental Alienation: How to understand and address parental alienation resulting from acrimonious divorce or separation . London: Russell House Publishing. Lund, M. (1995). A Therapist's View of Parental Alienation Syndrome. Family and Conciliation Courts Review, 33 (3), 308-316. McIntosh, J. (2003). Enduring Conflict in Parental Separation: Pathways of Impact on Child Development. Journal of Family Studies, Vol. 9 (1), 63-80. Warshak, D. R. A. (2010). Divorce Poison: How to Protect Youir Family from Bad-mouthing and Brainwashing . New York: Harper Collins.

Mens Referral Service JIGSAW Community Database

Mens Referral Service

Australian Directory of Men's Support Services

An Example of Parental Alienation AKA Extreme Alignment

Poison Parents

Bettermen

Divorce Poison and Parental Alienation

Dialogue-In-Growth

Speak EASY

Parental Alienation Support Groups

Parental Alienation CENTRAL (Australia)

Parental Alienation Programme 'Family Bridges' and Blog

Parental Alienation-UK resources

Dialogue-In-Growth-Mens Action in Open Thinking W: www.dialogueingrowth.com.au

E: [email protected] T: 0414 888 413

SpeakEASY Counselling and Psychotherapy W: www.speakeasycounselling.com.au

E: [email protected] T: 0414 888 413