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the golfer-in-chief Shortcuts (Clockwise from main) Frank Bruno, Ellie Goulding and gnd Prince Harry

Sport pion Duke McKenzie as part of the charity initiative Heads How boxing Together , which he instigated with his brother, William, and the can be good Duchess of Cambridge. for the soul While that entry-level intro- duction to the sport is some way distant from the rigours of boxing that Bruno endured, he would f it takes a prince to aalertlert recognise the process. I the nation to the safety-ety- Bruno has done much to raise valve powers of boxingng in awareness of bipolar disorder coping with mental stress – as and it took a lot for him to admit Prince Harry has done thiss week that the eff ects of his illness – Frank Bruno, who has rubbedubbed were exacerbated as much by the shoulders with royalty andd mental as well as the physical struggled with mental healthalth demands of his trade. issues, will surely lead thee Bruno said he had never felt so applause. alive as in the immediate after- The former world heavy-y- math of winning the title against weight champion, now 55, Oliver McCall in London in 1995. has been sectioned three Nor had he ever been so alone : times since he retired in 1996996 on top of the world at last after and came perilously closee to three failed attempts – but not being institutionalised forr for long, he suspected. In a life. He has suff ered more nerve-rack ing defence against through mental trauma thanhan Mike Tyson fi ve months later, from any bruises to body oorr Bruno surrendered his hard- spirit absorbed in 45 boutss over won credibility inside three 14 years as a professional bboxer.oxer. rounds. Paradoxically, he says boxingxing has In defeat, his mar- also saved him. riage broke up and he was Boxing, despite its long his- with anxiety. “It was about seeing Princess Diana’s youngest son, committed to a month’s treat- tory of tragedy and corruption and feeling myself get better and now 32, revealed: “During those ment in the Goodmayes Clinic on the professional side – from stronger... I truly feel that exer- years I took up boxing, because in Essex . It took his own iron ring deaths to mafi a fi xes – has cise – however you like to work everyone was saying boxing is resolve to continue the process attracted a growing constituency out – is good for the soul.” good for you and it’s a really good in the gym, with the prize not a of keep-fi t devotees in hundreds It is a sentiment echoed by way of letting out aggression. world title but his mental well - of gyms around the country, Harry, who says he found refuge And that really saved me because being. Bruno’s struggle is an among them the singer Ellie in the gym when the weight I was on the verge of punching ongoing one, aided by prescrip- Goulding . “It wasn’t about any of his mother’s premature someone; so being able to punch tion medication and, pointedly, change in my outward appear- death 20 years ago had pushed someone who had pads was cer- in the light of Prince Harry’s ex- ance,” she said last month when him, “very close to a com- tainly easier.” perience, a life-time commitment talking about how working out plete breakdown on numerous Last year he sparred with to exercise. in a boxing gym helped her cope occasions”. former three-weight world cham- Kevin Mitchell

Politics her, he added, “Either stop using reau of Investigative Journalism citizenship,” says barrister and your position to defend barbaric found Theresa May had stripped immigration law specialist Colin Is Asma al-Assad acts, or be stripped of your at least 33 people of their Brit- Yeo. “It has to be ‘conducive to citizenship.” ish citizenship on these grounds the public good’. That’s quite a a threat to Al-Assad (picured) was born since she became home secretary low test. ” in the UK and is a British citizen in 2010 (others have had their In a blogpost , he also noted British security? by birth; she is also a Syrian na- citizenship revoked on grounds that what might fall short of tional. Those who had their of fraud). But it is also being used “public good” is vague (the gov- citizenship revoked used forfo other crimes – four men ernment only says it includes s Asma al-Assad a war crimi- to be only naturalised involvedin in the Rochdale “involvement in terrorism, I nal? Is she a threat to British citizens but, from childch sex abuse case are espionage, serious organised national security? These are 2003, this could facingfaci deportation to crime, war crimes or unaccep- the questions the home secretary also appl y to those PakistanPaki after a deci- table behaviours”). Sure, the will consider if she gives any at- born in the UK sionsio by May in 2015 that UK could happily do without tention to the call by the Liberal if they have dual theirth (naturalised) British the woman who cheerleads her Democrat’s foreign aff airs spokes- nationality . citizenshipc be revoked. husband’s slaughterous regime, man Tom Brake that she with- Many people “The“T legislation gives the and tags photographs of herself draw the Syrian president’s wife’s stripped of citizenshipp homeho secretary a on her Instagram account with British citizenship. Al-Assad is have faced this onn veryv broad power #weloveyouasma, so could that acting as “a spokesperson for the terror-related tot decide when be described as “unacceptable”? Syrian presidency”, he said. The grounds. Last somebodys can be Over to the Home Offi ce. British government could say to year, the Bu- deprivedd of their Emine Saner

2 The Guardian 18.04.17 A Rose for Emily from the Odessey and Oracle album closes each episode

Pass notes No 3,841 Kris Marshall

FULL BAG FOR LIFE

Podcasts ness, her isolation, her sense of Age: 43. chances missed, her frustration, Appearance: Eerily familiar. The story her pride – themes also found Yes, his face rings a bell. Who is he? He’s an actor. in the life of S-Town’s central Been in anything I might have seen? Do you behind S-Town’s fi gure, John B McLemore. Even remember My Family? soundtrack the song’s own backstory seems Do you mean the execrable sitcom My Family ? weirdly fi tting. By the time Odes- That’s the one. He played Nick. sey and Oracle was released in If you’re the type I never saw it. How do you know it was execrable? April 1968, demoralised by the of shopper prone to Word got round. He also starred in a string of n the face of it, A Rose failure of the two advance singles following ‘pair and a annoying BT adverts between 2005 and 2011. for Emily by the Zombies taken from it, the Zombies had spare’ logic, there’s a I have no memory of those. He was in Love O new website for you. seems an odd song choice split up. It attracted virtually The people behind Actually . And until recently he starred in the to end each episode of the ac- no attention for another year, buymeonce.com (not crime series Death in Paradise . claimed, record-breaking podcast when its fi nal track, Time of the to be confused with They both passed me by, but I’ve only heard bad S-Town – the appearance of the Season, became an unexpected beyonce.com) have things. He’s an actor – take my word for it. made it their mission William Faulkner short story that hit in the US. With no one to to only stock products Fine. Has this Marshall got any new projects lined shares its title in the fi rst episode enjoy the fruits of its success, that last – ideally for a up? He’s reported to be the new Doctor Who . notwithstanding. S-Town deals promoters hastily assembled fake lifetime. Good for the I see … wait, what? According to inside sources , planet, even better for in real-life southern gothic: it is versions of the band – featuring your wallet. Marshall has been selected to replace Peter fi lled with chewy, sometimes in- none of the actual members – to Capaldi as the Doctor. comprehensible Alabama accents tour the country. Odessey and Peter Capaldi? What happened to David and small-town intrigue and Oracle, meanwhile, took another Tennant ? Do you even own a television? tragedy. But i t is hard to imagine a 25 years to start showing up in I mostly watch documentaries about canals. more English record than Odessey best -albums -of- all -time lists . By Why are we talking about this now? Doesn’t and Oracle, the album from which 2008 it was legendary enough to the Doctor traditionally regenerate at Christ- the track originates, with Zombies warrant a live performance in full mas? Apparently it will happen sooner, making frontman Colin Blunstone’s cut- by the band’s surviving members Marshall the 13th incarnation of the Time Lord. glass enunciation, and its songs – the group are doing a live tour A white man playing the Doctor – well, I never. about parks in Hertfordshire and of the album this year, including Richard Ayoade , David Harewood and Miranda harmony vocals that sound like a show at the London Palladium Hart were rumoured to be in the frame at diff erent the Beach Boys , had the Beach in September. Like McLemore, times, but the programme makers seem to have Boys hailed from the home coun- it was long after its moment had taken the safe route. ties and met in a public -school passed that the record became What’s safe about an actor who has only ever choir. If you didn’t know your known and hailed as the stuff of been in terrible shows? They’ve also risked the Faulkner, you would never guess genius. Now, millions of podcast wrath of Doctor Who fans who, by and large, A Rose for Emily was based on downloads later, both he and the aren’t happy . a story set in Mississippi . In the album are suddenly more famous Are they ever happy? No. They didn’t like the Zombies’ hands, the titular hero- than ever. choice of Capaldi, or Matt Smith before him. ine sounds like an Eleanor Rigby- Alexis Petridis How do we know the rumour is true? Has the ish spinster pining away some- BBC confi rmed? A spokesman said , “No casting where in the British suburbs, a decisions have yet been made on series 11.” spiritual sister of downtrodden So it’s all rubbish. Possibly, although the current The Zombies GETTY/SANDY HONIG GETTY/SANDY Sylvilla in the Kinks’ Two Sisters seem an series is only the 10th, so the decision may already or the BO-affl icted lady hymned unlikely choice have been taken. in the Who’s Odorono . There’s still hope! Maybe it’s Olivia Colman! And yet, you can see why it Unlikely. Ladbrokes have stopped taking bets on

PHOTOGRAPHS works. For one thing, A Rose for Marshall , with so many punters backing him. Emily possesses an eerie melan- Do say: “Welcome aboard, Kris! Yes, it is actually

GETTY choly; for another, the Zombies’ even smaller inside tha n it looks from the outside.” retelling of Faulkner’s tale con- Don’t say: “I loved you in that awful thing I

COVER COVER centrates on the heroine’s other- never watched.”

18.04.17 The Guardian 3 Donald Trump has played more golf in his fi rst weeks than any recent president – even tensions with North Korea didn’t keep him from his Florida course last weekend. Do diplomacy and golf mix, and what does his love of the game say about him? Timothy O’Grady reports

eagle The landedhas

4 The Guardian 18.04.17 PHOTOGRAPHS AP/PATRICK SEMANSKY; JIJI PRESS/AFP/GETTY olf has been called many called “green opium”. Trump as presi- things – “an expensive dent has a rhythm-of-life continuity G way of playing marbles” with Trump as businessman: week- (Chesterton), “an insult days at the city offi ce, weekends at to lawns” (National Mar-a-Lago and his nearby Jim Fazio- Lampoon), “a plague invented by designed course at West Palm Beach, Calvinist Scots as a punishment for one of the state’s best.) man’s sins” (James Barrett Reston) and There is a term in golf known as Twain’s famous “good walk spoil ed”. “the clerical 12”. It refers to a handicap The late and very great Arnold Palmer, of above-average profi ciency, not so unexpectedly, thought it a possible high as to be risible, but not so low as vehicle for world peace. Golf for him to indicate too much time spent away was a universal language brimming from the fl ock. It is a handicap meant with new friendships and with deep for public consumption. Most declared and ancient traditions of honour, US presidential handicaps have been respect and personal accountability. of the clerical kind – Reagan, Nixon Eric Trump, the president’s son, Trump and Shinzo Abe in February and Ford, 12; George W, Clinton and thinks so, too. In a New York Times Kennedy, 10. All but four US presidents interview, he praised his father’s unu- George W Bush could look manly in since the beginning of the 20th century sual capacity to make connections on a jeans and a Stetson on his ranch, but golfed. Woodrow Wilson played more golf course, with Mar-a-Lago being the the famous clip of him exhorting the than 1,000 rounds, playing almost perfect venue for world diplomacy. world to stand up to terrorism, then every day, and even, like Kipling, in the “If he could do that with Putin,” he declaring “now watch this drive” snow, using balls painted black. said, “if he could do that with some of before striding to the tee , did him a The usual public explanation given these horrible actors around the world lot of harm. Michael Moore put it in for presidents taking to a golf course who only want to compromise us as a Fahrenheit 9/11. Bush soon stopped for numerous hours is their need for country, and if he can make friends and playing golf, or at least being seen to “relief from stress”. (This seems to me they can trust one another, he just did do so . to be like betting on junk bonds, hang something that not many presidents Even Trump, named “golfer-in- gliding or writing novels to relieve have been able to do.” chief” by Golf Digest, castigated his stress, though it is true there are those President Trump has already predecessor for “playing more golf who take their golf easy.) Trump or his played a round with the Japanese than Tiger Woods”. “I’m going to be son, or White House press secretary prime minister, Shinzo Abe. (Abe working for you,” he told Virginians Sean Spicer, are innovators in their presented Trump with a $3,755 gold during the campaign. “I’m not going focus on golf as an arena for interna- driver when he became president.) to have time to play golf.” ( According tional diplomacy. Golf has certainly Golf is long established in Japan and to the New York Times, he has visited been associated with deal-making. Abe’s grandfather played with Eisen- a golf course 19 times in the past 13 It originally spread globally through hower. But China’s Xi-Jinping came weeks, compared with Bush Jr’s and Scots soldiers wishing to play their and went without lifting a club. Israel Obama’s zero and Clinton’s three over favourite game but, once established, PM Benjamin Netanyahu pointedly the same period of their presidencies; the golf club tended to comprise the counted himself out from golf during this is around double the rate of aspiring or established local elites. a press conference with Obama. Could Obama’s tally of just over 300 rounds You could get on in business by join- you entice karate black belt and bare- over two terms. Only one of Trump’s ing. They are like Masonic lodges in chested horse rider Vladimir Putin into golf outings appears to have involved their concentration of economic and plaid pants and tassled shoes? “international diplomacy”. It’s an political power. There are several in Politicians can be wary of golf. ensnaring game. In China it’s been England that are simply extensions of “Photograph me on horseback? Yes,” public school, where men can gather wrote Teddy Roosevelt in 1908. ‘Golf, like alcohol, without women, eat the same food and “Tennis, no. And golf is fatal.” It’s call each other by the same nicknames the frivolousness of it, the look of as they did at school, while at the a childish pastime played by posh can bring out the same time settling the interest rate or boys who know nothing of the world. the privatisation of the rail service. Roosevelt’s contrast with being on true person that In Japan, golf became a ritualistic horseback is revealing. He might have expression of corporate loyalty. There thought golf not only insuffi ciently may otherwise are some precedents for political serious but also insuffi ciently mas- deal-making by US presidents. culine. The clothes work against you. be hidden’ Obama played with John Boehner, → 18.04.17 The Guardian 5 Republican speaker of the House can bring out the true person that may ← of Representatives, in the hope of otherwise be hidden.” lifting deadlock, and Lyndon Johnson What does golf reveal about Trump? did the same with senators to get his He is likely to be the most skilful civil rights legislation passed. Condo- player of all US presidents, at least leezza Rice, now a member of the ven- while in offi ce. (Kennedy might have erable Augusta National club, thinks given him a run for it but for a bad golf useful for diplomacy, but only back, and Franklin D Roosevelt won because it teaches patience and the ac- his club championship at 17, but was ceptance of setbacks. struck down by polio.) You can watch Can geopolitical deals be made on Trump swing on YouTube. There is a golf course? There are obstacles. something about it of the elephant in a You have about four hours on the tutu trying to exercise a pirouette. He course together, but, even if the two lurches back on a severely fl at plane global players are riding together in so that he is out of position at the top a buggy with an interpreter hanging of his backswing, but then, through on at the back, there are the constant some innate athleticism, is able to clear interruptions of club selection, the hips and make a long and eff ective scorekeeping and searches for errant extension through impact. He is said to balls. But then there is the drink or have won 19 club championships and lunch afterwards, and by this time to possess a handicap of 2.8, which is humour has likely been exchanged, seriously good – and also unlikely. foibles and skills exposed, partners There have been no signed rooted for and opponents congratu- scorecards submitted since 2014, and lated. Golf would seem to have a even those that were show several near-magical ability to bring highly rounds in the mid-80s. Rory McIlroy, diverse people on to common ground. following a round with him, would It does the same work as empathy only say he was “a decent player for without the need for an empathetic a guy in his 70s” and that he had nature. There is something inherently shot “around 80”. There have been disarming about it. Trump is said to eccentric swings by good players – excel at being good company on a golf Jim Furyk’s multiple parts and fl ying course. He’s generous, aff able, solici- elbow, Eamonn D’Arcy’s helicopter tous and hospitable. He’s usually the taking off – but they played every day. host, playing at a course he owns, and There seems to be something wilfully wants his guest to have a good time. delusional about the 2.8, like saying “Golf bears down on you and he is the leader of the greatest political illuminates character,” Arnold Palmer movement his country has ever seen. Clockwise from with braggarts. It doesn’t go well. It’s said. “There’s the expression in vino, Trump takes pains to remind people above, Barack boring, it’s obnoxious. It creates a veritas, and certainly golf, like alcohol, how good at golf he is. In February, he Obama; Richard malodorous air. It’s like bragging about interrupted a large meeting of CEOs to Nixon and Jackie sex. No one wants to hear about it. ‘It has a near- ask General Electric’s Jeff Immelt to tell Gleason; Golf is the most existentialis t of everybody about the hole-in-one he Condoleezza games. It turns on the same principles made, immediately after claiming: “I’m Rice; Bill Clinton – the free act, the assumption of magical ability to the best golfer of all the rich people.” and George Bush responsibility. Wherever you hit it, They all laughed and applauded. you put it there. You must play it as it bring diverse Trump took it in. “It’s crazy,” he said, lies and give an honest account. With- shaking his head. Unsolicited, he lists out that, you are in bad faith, and the people on to his club championships. He tweets game becomes absurd because you about who he is playing with and who have deprived it of its meaning. “The common ground’ he can beat. All golfers have played man who can go into a patch of rough

6 The Guardian 18.04.17 victory not so that he would be nice to them, but because his unprepar- edness, illogicality and emotional instability would make the US weak. Trump has said that the single most valuable piece of golf advice he had encountered was Ben Hogan’s insist- ence on the importance of clearing the hihipsps out of the wawayy on the downswing. I had heard this mmyself.yse “Golf is all about gettinggetting out ofof thet way,” a painter and very good golfergolfer once said to me. True in golgolf,f, I thougthought,h and in art and llife.ife. But can a man wwhoh tweets against hhisis enemies in the middlemi of the night, who starts each day byb reading about hhimself,imself, who boasts oof achievements hhee has not accomplished,accomplis whose consciousness c onsciousness wouldwould seem to be so lloudoud and his needs soso heavy, ever get susuffiffi cientlcientlyy out ooff hihiss own way ? GolGolff is widelwidelyy decdeclaimedl as elitist. Donald TrumTrumpp has ddoneo his part in mmakingaking this impressiimpression.o He builds golf ccoursesourses forfor the elite,eli prosecutes ppeopleeople who stastandn in their way and expresse s his disgust for wind ffarmsarms that spoil the viviewew ffromrom his courses in SScotland.cotlan “They’re work- iningg so hard,” he has said, “to make golf a gamgamee of the people. TheThey’rey cheapening it. I thinthinkk golf should be a ggameame that people aspirea to through successsuccess.”.” But that’that’ss not how it alone, with the knowledge that only It’s a strangely self-defeatinglf-defeating started. GolGolff originoriginateda on what was God is watching him, and plays his ball activity. A hustler mightmight cheat to win tthenhen the checheapestapest lland,a the dunes where it lies, is the man who will serve a bet, but without a fi nancial motive bbyy the sea. Sheep werew the original you faithfully and well,” wrote PG it’s simply winning onon falsefalse pretences. ggreenskeepers.reenskeepers. Th Thee Duke of York, Wodehouse. Trump seems to concur. “Cheating at golf,” ass the late “Cham- later James II ooff EnEngland, played a “When you play golf with someone, pagne” Tony Lema ssaid,aid, “is like mmoneyoney match agaiagainstn two English you learn their honesty, you learn cheating at solitaire.. You only cheat nnoblemenoblemen with a popoor shoemaker their competitiveness ,” he has said. yourself.” nnamedamed John PatersPatersoneo as his partner. Several of these playing companions What, then, wouldld Putin lealearnrn Fishwives pplayedlayed in a competition in have given reports of the experience. from a round of golff with Trump? Musselburgh in 1810. Country clubs Samuel L Jackson says that Trump Perhaps that Trumpp is surprisingly give golgolff a bad name jjust as established cheats. Sports Illustrated’s Mark Mul- convivial and generous,ous, and that cchurcheshurches sometimes do to spirituality. voy and the boxer Oscar de la Hoya you can have a goodd time with him. GolGolff isis,, in essenceessence,, ttheh most demo- spoke of balls that had been in shrubs But, if he heard the cclublub cham- ccraticratic of games. The oold and infi rm miraculously appearing in the fairway pionship list, saw ballsalls droppeddropped ccanan compete on equequala footing with or close to the hole with no strokes on to greens or was ggiveniven phoney a pro through the hahandicapn system. added. The sportswriter Rick Reilly scores, he would alsoso see someone Public courses, at lealeasts in the English- said Trump gave himself not only putts of colossal insecuritiesties and needsneeds,, speaking world, makmakee golf aff ordable but chip shots and that, on a cheat- who has to bathe in glories ooff his own to almost ananyone.yone. TTheh postman on a ing scale of one to 10, Trump would invention in order too ffaceace the worldworld,, bbusus with his clubs in GlasgowG is equal be an 11 . When asked who the worst like an ageing mascara’dara’d rouéroué repeat-repeat- ttoo Trump as a citizen of the golf world. celebrity golf cheat was, Alice Cooper ing before a mirror: “Look at me. I am Even Che Guevara pplayed.la I have met replied: “I played with Donald Trump Adonis.” Putin may not need the game a ffarar wider variety ofof people through one time. That’s all I’m going to say.” of golf. He has said tthathat one ooff the golgolff than through ananyy other activity, Trump tends to respond by denigrating benefi ts of martial aartsrts is the training including going to ppubs.u But I have not the accuser or saying he doesn’t know it gives in assessing an opponent’s cconfionfi ned myselfmyself to ccourseso with the them or that he doesn’t cheat because weakness. He may hhaveave seen these nnameame TrumTrumpp in ffrontront of them. Perhaps

AFP/GETTY IMAGES; AP IMAGES; AFP/GETTY he’s so good he doesn’t need to. It’s a weaknesses long ago.o. Waclaw R adzi- hhee should get out andand about more. serious charge for a golfer. An English winowicz, former MMoscowoscow correscorrespond-pond- club player once bankrupted himself ent of Poland’s Gazetaeta WyWyborcza,borcza, has Timothy O’Grady is theth author of On Golf trying to sue a fellow member who written that Russia wishedwished forfor (Yellow(Yellow JerseyJersey).). His mmost recent book is

PHOTOGRAPHS PHOTOGRAPHS accused him of cheating. (and perhaps abetted)ed) TrumTrump’sp’s Children of Las VegasVegas (Unbound).

18.04.1718 04 1 The Guardian 7 ‘We are on the verge of a new form of life’ Jürgen Schmidhuber says artifi cial intelligence will surpass humans’ in 2050, enabling robots to have fun, fall in love – and colonise the galaxy. But we don’t need to fear becoming their slaves, he tells Philip Oltermann

n a soft-furnished studio space behind a warehouse in west I Berlin, a group of international scientists are debating our robot future. An engineer from a major European carmaker is just fi nishing a cautiously optimistic pro- gress report on self-driving vehicles. Increasingly, he explains, robot cars are learning to diff erentiate cars from more vulnerable moving objects such as pedestrians or cyclists. “But of course,” he says, “these are small steps.” Then a tall, athletic man with a greying goatee strides to the podium, and suddenly baby steps become inter- stellar leaps. “Very soon, the smartest and most important decision makers might not be human,” he says. “We are on the verge not of another industrial revolution, but a new form of life, more like the big bang.” Jürgen Schmidhuber has been described as the man the fi rst self- aware robots will recognise as their papa. The 54-year-old German scientist may have developed the algorithms

8 The Guardian 18.04.17 ‘Robots will pay about as much attention to us as we do to ants’

that allow us to speak to our comput- revolution akin to the invention of the ers or get our smartphones to translate PC and ended up as a slapstick prop in Mandarin into English, but he isn’t Paul Blart: Mall Cop . very keen on the idea that robots of To understand why Schmidhuber the future will exist primarily to serve yo-yos between prophet and laughing humanity. stock, one has to dive deeper into his Instead, he believes machine intel- CV . Born in Munich in 1963, he became ligence will soon not just match that interested in robotics during puberty, of humans, but outstrip it, designing after picking up rucksacks full of popu- and building heat-resistant robots lar science books and sci-fi novels from that can get much closer to the sun’s the nearby library. His great hero, “my energy sources than thin-skinned wonderful idol”, he says, was Albert Homo sapiens, and eventually colonis e Einstein. “At some point I realised I asteroid belts across the Milky Way could have even more infl uence if I built with self-replicating robot factories. something that is even smarter than And Schmidhuber is the person who is myself, or even smarter than Einstein.” trying to build their brains. He embarked on a degree in mathemat- As we lower ourselves on to a pair ics and computer science at Munich’s of beanbags after his talk, Schmid- of million years, they will have colo- Where we are Technical University, which handed huber explains that in a laboratory in nised the Milky Way.” now … Pepper, a him a professorship at the age of 30. Lugano in the Swiss Alps his company He describes this point of conver- robot on display In 1997, Schmidhuber and one of Nnaisense is already developing sys- gence as “omega”, a term fi rst coined in Barcelona his students, Sepp Hochreiter, wrote a tems that function much like babies, by Teilhard de Chardin , a French Jesuit last month; paper that proposed a method for how setting themselves little experiments priest born in 1888. Schmidhuber says Schmidhuber; artifi cial neural networks – computer in order to understand how the world he likes omega “because it sounds a bit and (below) systems that mimic the human brain works: “True AI”, as he calls it. The like ‘Oh my God’”. Amazon Echo – – could be boosted with a memory only problem is that they are still Schmidhuber’s status as the god- its Alexa voice function, by adding loops that inter- too slow – around a billion neural father of machine intelligence is not system is preted patterns of words or images in connections compared with around entirely undisputed. During his talk powered by the light of previously obtained infor- 100,000bn in the human cortex. in Berlin, there were audible groans the scientist’s mation. They called it Long Short-Term “But we have a trend whereby our from the back of the audience. When AI learning Memory (LSTM). computers are getting 10 times faster Schmidhuber outlined how robots process LSTM At the time, technology had failed to every fi ve years, and unless that trend would eventually leave Earth behind live up to the fi rst wave of hype around breaks, it will only take 25 years until and “enjoy themselves” exploring the artifi cial intelligence, and funding we have a recurrent neural network universe, a Brazilian neuroscientist was hard to come by. In the 1960s, the comparable with the human brain. We interrupted: “Is that what you are hope had been that machines could aren’t that many years away from an saying? That there is an algorithm for be coded top-down to understand the animal-like intelligence, like that of a fun? You are destroying the scientifi c world in all its complexity. If there is a crow or a capuchin monkey.” method in front of all these people. It’s new buzz now, it is around a seemingly R How many years, exactly? “I think horrible!” simpler idea: that machines could be

ADE years is a better measure than decades, When asked about those reactions, fi tted with an algorithm that is rela-

OB but I wouldn’t want to tie myself down Schmidhuber has that pitying look tively basic, but enables them to gradu-

UDI to four or seven.” again. “My theses have been contro- ally learn bottom-up how complex the

CLA When I ask how he can be so confi - versial for decades, so I am used to world really is.

S dent about his timetable, he launches these standard arguments. But a lot of In 1997, Schmidhuber’s paper on

AGE the hyperdrive. Suddenly we are jump- neuroscientists have no idea what is LSTM was rejected by MIT, but it now

IM ing from the big bang to the neolithic happening in the world of AI .” looks like one of the key concepts

TTY revolution, from the invention of gun- But even within the AI commu- behind a new wave of interest in deep

GE powder to the world wide web. Major nity, Schmidhuber has his detractors. learning . In 2015, Google announced

VIA events in the history of the universe, When I mentioned his name to peo- it had managed to improve the error IS Schmidhuber says, seem to be happen- ple working on artifi cial intelligence, rate of its voice recognition software by

ORB ing at exponentially accelerating inter- several said his work was undoubtedly almost 50% using LSTM. It is the sys-

A/C vals – each landmark coming around a infl uential and “getting more so”, but tem that powers Amazon’s Alexa, and

RCI quarter of the time of the previous. If also that he had “a bit of a chip on his Apple announced last year that is using

GA you study the pattern, it looks like it is shoulder”. Many felt his optimism LSTM to improve the iPhone. due to converge around the year 2050. about the rate of technological If Schmidhuber had his way, the ROS “In the year 2050 time won’t stop, progress was unfounded, and possibly concept would get even more recogni- NC but we will have AIs who are more dangerous. Far from being the true tion . During his talk in Berlin and our JOA JOAN CROS GARCIA/CORBIS VIA GETTY IMAGES; CLAUDIO BADER CLAUDIO CROS GARCIA/CORBIS VIA GETTY IMAGES; JOAN intelligent than we are and will see seer of the robot future, one suggested, interview, he repeats emphatically little point in getting stuck to our bit of Schmidhuber was pushing artifi cial that the current buzz around computer the biosphere. They will want to move intelligence to a destiny similar to that learning is “old hat” and that LSTM history to the next level and march out of the Segway, a product whose advent got there many years earlier. He is

PHOTOGRAPHS PHOTOGRAPHS to where the resources are. In a couple was hyped up as a technological quick to talk down the importance →

18.04.17 The Guardian 9 of Silicon Valley, which he feels is Countries with many robots per ← so dominated by “cut-throat com- capita such as Japan, Germany, Korea petition” that it produces less value for or Switzerland, he proposes cheer- money than European institutes. fully, have relatively low unemploy- Given his interest in sci-fi , has he ment rates. I try to suggest that a truck never worried that robots will enslave us driver in his 50s who has never heard once they become self-aware? Schmid- of JavaScript may not quite share his huber shakes his head. “We won’t be optimism, but it’s diffi cult to talk about enslaved, at the very least because we are the concerns of generations, not to very badly suited as slaves for someone say individuals, when arguing with who could just build robots that are far someone who thinks in omega leaps. superior to us.” He dismisses The Matrix , Whenever you try to drill into Schmid- in which imprisoned humans are used huber’s optimistic vision of the robot to power AIs: “That was the most idiotic future, you encounter at its core a very plot of all time. Why would you use simple scenario. When two beings have human bioenergy to power robots a confl ict of interest, he says, they have when a power station that keeps them two ways to resolve it: either by col- alive produces so much more energy?” laboration or through competition. Yet But in that case won’t robots see it every time we encounter such a fork in as more effi cient to wipe out humanity the road in our conversation, collabora- altogether? “Like all scientists, highly tion wins out. intelligent AIs would have a fascination When I ask him whether robots of with the origins of life and civilisation. the future, on top of being curious and But this fascination will dwindle after a playful, will also be able to fall in love, while, just like most people don’t under- he agrees, because “love is obviously stand the origin of the world nowadays. A Deutsche an extreme form of collaboration. Generally speaking, our best protec- Telekom robot There will be all sorts of relationships tion will be their lack of interest in us, (left); The Matrix between robots. They will be able to because most species’ biggest enemy is (top) has ‘the share part of their minds. There will their own kind. They will pay about as most idiotic plot be fusions of the kind that don’t exist much attention to us as we do to ants.” of all time’, among biological organisms.” I wonder if th e analogy is less according to What if an Apple or a Google builds comforting than he intends . Surely we Schmidhuber; up a monopoly stronghold over the sometimes step on ants? “Of course, and Jude Law supersmart robots? He thinks that kind but that only applies to a minute per- (above) as a of dystopia is “extremely unlikely”. centage of the global ant population, thinking, feeling Here too collaboration will triumph. and no one seems to have the desire to robot in AI: “The central algorithm for intelligence wipe all ants off the face of this Earth. Artifi cial is incredibly short. The algorithm that On the contrary, most of us are pleased Intelligence allows systems to self-improve is per- when we hear there are still more ants haps 10 lines of pseudocode. What we on the planet than humans . ” are missing at the moment is perhaps just another fi ve lines.” et’s forget about sci-fi , “Maybe we will develop those I say. What about more 10 lines in my little company, but in L immediate concerns, such these times, when even Swiss banking as robotisation creating secrecy is nearing its end, it wouldn’t mass unemploy ment? stay there. It w ould be leaked. Maybe Again, Schmidhuber is not unduly con- some unknown man somewhere in cerned. The dawn of the robot future India will come up with the code and was clear to him when he fathered two make it accessible to everyone.” daughters at the start of the millen- If that sounds a little bit Pollyanna- nium, he says. “What advice do I give ish, it’s because Schmidhuber’s own them? I tell them: your papa thinks experience – the initial rejection of everything will be great, even if there LSTM and his pervading distrust of may be ups and downs. Just be pre- “cut-throat” Silicon Valley – must have pared to constantly do something new. ‘A lot of neuro- taught him that competition can create Be prepared to learn how to learn.” losers as well as winners. As disarming “Homo ludens has always had a scientists have no as his optimism can be on a personal talent for inventing jobs of the non- level, I would feel a lot more comforta- existential kind. The vast majority of idea what is ble with the idea of the most advanced the population is already doing luxury beings of the future being midwifed by jobs like yours and mine,” he says. happening in the Jürgen Schmidhuber if he was willing “It’s easy to predict which kind of jobs to articulate that doubt. will disappear, but it’s diffi cult to pre- world of AI’ He ends our conversation on an apol- dict which new jobs will be created. ogetic note: “I am sorry you are talking BROS ALLSTAR/WARNER REX/SHUTTERSTOCK; CROS GARCIA/CORBIS VIA GETTY IMAGES; JOAN Who would have thought in the 1980s to such a teenager. But I’ve been saying that 30 years later there would be peo- the same things since the 70s and 80s. ple making millions as professional The only diff erence is that people are

video gamers or YouTube stars?” now starting to take me seriously.” PHOTOGRAPHS

10 The Guardian 18.04.17 Paul Mason Nuclear war has become thinkable again – we need a reminder of what it would mean

ast week, Donald Trump deployed his All around among men with untrammelled power, should be superweapon Moab, the “mother of the No 1 item on the news, and the No 1 concern L all bombs” – 10 tonnes of high explo- us politics of democratic and peace-loving politicians. sive detonated in mid-air to kill, it is is becoming I will always remember the Botoxed faces claimed, 94 Isis militants. The Russian of the US news anchors when they arrived in media reminded us that their own thermobaric emotion- New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina. It was as if bomb – the “father of all bombs” – was four times driven, they had been woken up from a dream, and the as powerful: “Kids, meet Daddy,” was how the best of them realised how they had been sleep- Kremlin mouthpiece Russia Today put it . But falling walking towards the disaster. Katrina shows what these are child’s play compared with nuclear happens when a disaster hits a fragile, poverty- weapons. The generation waking up to yesterday’s under the stricken and socially fragmented city. In New Daily Mail strapline – “World holds its breath” – control of Orleans, for a few days, civilisation fell apart. may need reminding what a nuclear weapon does. Policemen, suddenly called on to haul their over- The one dropped on Hiroshima measured families weight frames into self-sacrifi cing and arduous 15 kilotons; it destroyed everything within 200 and mafias work, quit on the spot. The modern equivalent yards and burned everybody within 2km. The of lynchings happened. Central government and warhead carried by a Trident missile delivers unifi ed military command of the situation broke a reported 455 kilotons of explosive power. Drop down. My experience there convinced me that, one on Bristol and the fi reball is 1km wide; third- in the event of mass fatalities being infl icted on a degree burns aff ect everybody from Portishead developed world city, the real problem would be to Keynesham, and everything in a line from the social chaos, not mass radiation sickness. Bristol Channel to the Wash is contaminated with Trump is ramping up the military rhetoric radiation. In this scenario, 169,000 people die for a horribly simple reason: two weeks ago, the immediately and 180,000 need emergency treat- isolationist wing of his team got outfl anked by ment. Given that there are only 101,000 beds in generals; they tried some war to see how it went the entire English NHS, you can begin to imagine down and it went down well. the apocalyptic scenes for those who survive. We may get lucky. It may be that the Chinese But a Trident missile carries up to eight of leadership is prepared to put serious pressure these warheads, and military planners might drop on to prevent Kim’s regime staging some kind of them in a pattern around one target, creating a provocation against the US navy. Or we may get fi restorm along the lines that conventional Allied unlucky: the DPRK has a nuclear weapon, even if bombing created in Hamburg and Tokyo during the missiles needed to deliver it are unstable. the second world war. It has been human nature, given the scale of I don’t wish to alarm you, but right now the devastation a nuclear war would bring, to blank majority of the world’s nuclear warheads are in Drop a Trident the possibility from our minds . But from the 50s the hands of men for whom the idea of using warhead and the to the 00s, we had – in all nuclear powers – mili- fireball would be them is becoming thinkable. 1km wide tary/industrial complex politicians who under- For Kim Jong-un, it’s thinkable; for Vladimir stood the value of multilateralism. All around us Putin, it’s so thinkable that every major Russian high politics is becoming emotion driven, unilat- wargame ends with a “nuclear de-escalation” eral, crowd-pleasing and falling under the control phase: that is, drop one and off er peace. On 22 of erratic family groups and mafi as, rather than December , Trumpp, and Putin announced, almost technocrats representingpgg ruling elites. simultaneously,y, that they were going to expand For the warmongers, true multilateralismmultilate their nuclear arsenalsarsenals and update the technolotechnology.gy. is a serious annannoyance;oyance; that’s whwhyy so mmany of Right now, a US aircraftaircraft carrier strike forceforce is tthehe world’s autocrats are busy forcingforcing NGOs to steaming towardsards North Korea to menace Kim’s rregister,egister, cutting off foreign funds to tthemh and rogue regime. We don’t know what secret diplo- decryingdecrying the presence ooff internationinternationala observers macy went on between Xi JiJinpingnping and TrumTrumpp at oror sabotagingsabotaging their workwork.. Mar-a-Lago, butut the US is sounding conconfifi dent that IfI f Theresa MayMay wanted to send a uusefuls China will reinn the North Koreans inin.. messagemessage at Easter it could have been: in compli- What we doo know is that TrumTrumpp has been ance with the non-proliferationnon-proliferation treatitreaties, we will obsessed sincee the 80s with nuclear weapons,weapons, nevernever use our nuclear weaponsweapons fi rst ; wew will stick that he refusess ttoo ttakeake adadvicevice ffromrom milimili-- toto diplomatic and economic pressure to get the tary professionalsnals and that he seems not to DPRK to comcomply;ply; and we will use our diplomatic understand thee core Nato conceconceptpt ooff nukes as cloutclout to strengthen disarmament.

CORBIS VIA GETTY IMAGES a political deterrent,errent, as opopposedposed to That is whatwhat a resresponsibleponsible nuclearnuclear-armed- a military superweapon.erweapon. powerpower would do. The UUK’s silence This suddenn as TrumpTrump toystoy with mania for speakingaking militarymilitary escalationes

PHOTOGRAPH PHOTOGRAPH of nuclear warfare,fare, is criminal.lis criminal

18.04.1718 The Guardian 11 Women

‘The problem is immense – but the will to fi ght it is greater’ It has been fi ve years since Laura Bates founded the Everyday Sexism Project. She explains why, despite death and rape threats, vicious abuse and constant trolling, she’s still hopeful

n spring 2012, a week after setting up a website to cata- I logue experiences of gender inequality, I asked Lady Gaga for her support via Twitter. Keen to raise awareness of my newly created Everyday Sexism Project, I hoped she might spread the word among her millions of followers. The next morning, I sleepily reached for my phone and saw more than 200 new notifi cations. I clicked eagerly on the fi rst message and stopped cold. It wasn’t, as I had hoped, the fi rst of many new entries from women who had suff ered harassment or assault. It was a brutally graphic rape threat – and the moment I became aware of the sheer force of hatred that greets women who speak out about sexism. The threats continued to fl ood in. The sheer tenacity was startling. Who were these men, who could spend days, weeks – years, even – bombarding a woman they had never met with detailed descriptions of how they would torture her? Over time, things became clearer. I met men who opposed feminism in diff erent settings, and began to recog- nise their varied tactics. In some ways, the online abusers – who hurled hatred from behind a screen – were the least threatening. The repetition in their PHOTOGRAPHS LINDA NYLIND FOR THE GUARDIAN; REUTERS 12 The Guardian 18.04.17 arguments (if you can call “get off your high horse and change your tampon” To be a feminist, an argument) made it clear that their fury was regurgitated: rooted in a fear I have learned, is of that man-hating, society-destroying “feminazi” of online forum fantasy. to be accused of A certain age More sinister were the slick, intel- Michele Hanson ligent naysayers who hid in plain sight. oversensitivity Men who scoff ed at social events, confi dently assuring those around and hysteria us that sexism in the UK was a thing I’ve just heard that Tesco may be taking of the past and I should look to other own age and staunch support from over wholesaler Booker , which includes countries to fi nd “real problems”. Men older feminists who had seen it all Budgens, for £3.7b n, in the face of fi erce who asked my husband, in commiser- before. And nothing could outweigh opposition . Count me in that opposi- ating tones, how he coped with being the privilege of being entrusted with so tion, because I cannot shop in Tesco. married to me. Politicians who told many people’s stories, often never told Soon I may not even be able to shop in me I was “unnecessarily negative” before. I felt a great sense of responsi- Budgens, just down the road. Damn. and that girls these days didn’t know bility to make sure women’s voices were Because I’m still enraged with Shirley how lucky they were. The newspaper heard. I began to work with schools, Porter, the heiress to the Tesco fortune, picture editor who overlooked the universities, businesses, politicians and who was responsible for the “homes for content of my interview when he police forces, to try and ensure that the votes” scandal when she was leader of announced his priority was to make me stories of one generation could alter Westminster council. Why should I add look “as sexy as possible”. People with things positively for the next. It helped one penny more to her fortune? the power to change things and the will hugely to feel that concrete change And aren’t there enough Tescos to keep them exactly the same. could come directly from the project. already ? How come these massive Despite this, the site was a success, Another joy was being part of outfi ts are allowed to take over smaller and over the next fi ve years, hundreds a burgeoning wave of feminism, outfi ts, whether the smaller ones want of thousands of testimonies fl ooded standing alongside others tackling them to or not? Remember Kraft’s in. Almost every woman or girl I met everything from media sexism to takeover of Cadbury in 2010? After- told me their story, too. A nine-year- female genital mutilation . Perhaps the wards, the chocolate bars shrank , the old who had received a “dick pic”. An most important lesson I learned was Somersdale factory closed, goodbye elderly lady who had been assaulted by how closely connected the diff erent to 500 jobs, and the company stopped her late husband’s best friend. A young forms of inequality are. It is vital to working with Fairtrade and changed black woman refused entry to a night- resist those who mock and criticise us from “a force for social good to the club while her white girlfriends were for tackling “minor” manifestations of worst example of brutal corporate capi- waved through. A woman in a wheel- prejudice, because these are the things talism ”, as the Independent put it. chair who was told she would be lucky that normalise and ingrain the treat- Isn’t there meant to be a monopolies to be raped. My assumptions about the ment of women as second-class citi- watchdog? What’s it watching while all type of person who suff ers particular zens, opening the door for everything these colossal takeovers are going on? forms of abuse and the separation else, from workplace discrimination to The telly? I hope they saw Follow the between diff erent kinds of prejudice sexual violence. Money, in which a huge and wicked quickly shattered. To be a feminist, I have learned, is to bank took over a small and idealistic The sadness of the stories was be accused of oversensitivity, hysteria Why should I add one, murdering and brutally assaulting a heavy thing to bear, as was the and crying wolf. But in the face of one more penny anyone who impeded them. I suppose continued abuse I received. A man the abuse the project uncovered, the to Shirley Porter’s that was a particularly hostile takeover. who had off ered me directions crossed sheer strength, ingenuity and humour fortune? Not that your average gigantic the street in disgust when I told him of women shone like a beacon. The takeover involves murder, unless you I was on my way to give a talk about dancer who performed for hours on the include killing off thousands of jobs and workplace sexual harassment, snap- tube to reclaim the space where she independent businesses, but why force ping: “For God’s sake, we’ve got to was assaulted. The woman who waited yourself upon something that doesn’t have some fun!” An interviewer asked fi ve years to present her contract and want you? I know the answer, really. me live on air whether it was diffi cult a salt cellar to the careers adviser who It’s just shareshareholders wanting fatter having no friends because I was so had told her he would eat her paper- wallets. The more they have, the humourless. An American commen- work if she ever became an engineer. more they wwant, and the more tator wrote a blog publicly warning The pedestrian who calmly removed they get, and no one seems able to my husband he would one day come the ladder of a catcalling builder, stop them. AreA there no rules? home to fi nd I had burned down our leaving him stranded on a roof. “There are some,” says Fielding. house, murdered our children and That’s why I can honestly say that “But throw in a few billion, and joined a “coven of lesbian witches”. the experiences and lessons of the past there arearen’t any.” Money is Somewhere around the time I received fi ve years have left me more hopeful winninwinning, bombs are fl ying a death threat alongside the claim I was than despairing. I can’t celebrate this about. It’s Easter, festival a dripping poison that should be eradi- milestone, exactly, representing as it of renewalof ren and rebirth. cated from the world, I started seeing does a collective outpouring of grief, Jesus,Jesus a Jewish socialist a counsellor. And – at low moments – anger and trauma. But I think of the revolutionary,revo would be I seriously considered the coven. resilience, the solidarity, the resist- veryver disappointed to But there were pleasant surprises, ance, and I can’t mourn it either. In fi ve fi ndn that the ruthless, too. I hadn’t anticipated the practical years, I have learned that the problem murderousm and greedy and emotional help off ered by other is immense, but the will to fi ght it is haveh inherited the women – solidarity from those of my greater still. earth.e And so am I.

18.04.17 The Guardian 13

Style Q&A Bob Dylan and Crocs … one is still cool and the other never will be

really is a crime), but they are Ask Hadley facts. As I said, Dylan doesn’t know this, and barrels on his own Why all Brits merry, Stereophonics-loving way. People from the US really need to be more have no idea how exhausting it is moving to Britain and trying like Bob Dylan to catch up on all the cultural associations. Sure, other coun- and celebrate tries put associations on things, but in Britain they are far more their weird pronounced due, quite simply, tastes. Even if to the British terror of embar- rassment and saying/doing/ that involves the liking the Wrong Things. When I moved here back in the 90s, I Stereophonics would come home from school every day completely wiped out. Hadley Freeman Not only was I having to learn who Kylie , the Stone Roses and Brother Beyond were, I had to grasp what it meant to like each one, and what kind of person I was for pledging allegiance to them. And not just bands. Mov- ies, TV shows, pretty much any form of culture. Were you the kind of person who watched The Word or Blind Date? The Mary Whitehouse Experience or The Upper Hand? Honestly, I have read that Crocs are now trial town, shipyards, ore docks, lotions, drinks on fi re and ones it’s amazing I ever had time to acceptable, but I’m wary about grain elevators, mainline train cold as ice, goblets with maidens do any homework, what with all wearing them because of all the yards, switching yards. It’s on the in caves and cups running over in this extracurricular work. old associations. Or has their banks of Lake Superior, built on enchanted fi elds.” A few years ago, I interviewed newfound trendiness overcome granite rock. Lot of foghorns, sail- “I think I just spotted someone David Sedaris for this paper and these issues? ors, loggers, storms, blizzards.” I know by the bar …” we talked about this, but he, Mike, by email See? The most Dylan thing you Anyway, this interview got a characteristically, saw this not as will ever read in your life. Imag- lot of attention in the UK press a problem but as something full I have been thinking about this ine trying to make small talk with because in it Dylan mentions of potential. He and his husband, a lot recently, Mike, not in rela- Dylan at a party: “So, Bob, did you that he likes the Stereophonics. Hugh, had just bought a house in tion to Crocs , obviously, which have a nice journey here?” The Stereophonics! Oh, how the West Sussex. “I don’t know what are absurd, unacceptable and “We drove the car – an automo- British press hooted. Bob loving that means – West Sussex,” he should only be worn by those bile, American, steady, moving, those tossers – ha! But I haven’t said. “If someone bought a place actively trying to never have sex fl ashing trees, fl ickering people. felt this much of an affi nity with outside New York, I would know again. But about the associations Safe. Dangerous. Fast. Slow.” ol’ Bob since the time he released what that said about them. So we put on things – their cultural “Okaaaay. Do you want a an album of Christmas songs, it’s weird not knowing what West baggage, if you will, which I will. drink?” just because he likes Christmas Sussex says about us. But I also What prompted this weeks-long “I’ve drunk potions and songs. (Jews, it is well known, kinda like that.” pondering was a long interview love Christmas songs – hell, we We should all take inspiration with Bob Dylan on his website. If People from the US wrote most of the best ones.) Not from Sedaris here. Too many you haven’t read it yet, I strongly because I like the Stereophon- of us, by which I mean me, urge that you do so immediately. have no idea how ics – obviously not – but because spend far too long fretting over It is the most Dylan thing you exhausting it is moving Dylan doesn’t understand the what our external trappings say will ever read in your life, so associations Brits attach to these about us, apologising for our whether you love the man or to Britain and trying to things, and how important they lame music when people scroll fi nd him to be an annoying self- catch up on all the are. He has no idea that, to the through our phones, wondering parody, you will fi nd all your vast majority of British people, whether we’re the kind of person love and/or prejudices confi rmed cultural associations the Stereophonics are tedious who would wear a pink coat or a here. For example, if you ever rockers who were once, unfor- red one. Be like Bob and embrace listened to a Dylan song and givably, rude to Adam Buxton’s your weird taste with unhesitat- thought: “Sure, nice lyrics, but dad, aka, BaaaadDad, on The ing pleasure. But, for the record, no one actually talks that way,” Adam and Joe Show, and who Crocs are still unacceptable. That it turns out Dylan really does: became fatally overexposed as a is just an objective truth. DON HUNSTEIN/SONY; ALAMY DON HUNSTEIN/SONY; “In my 20s and 30s I hadn’t been result of performing a version of anywhere. Since then I’ve been The Offi ce’s theme song. Post your questions to Hadley Freeman, all over the world, I’ve seen ora- I’m not saying these are fair Ask Hadley, The Guardian, Kings Place, cles and wishing wells.” reasons to hate them (except the 90 York Way, London N1 9GU. Email [email protected]. PHOTOGRAPHS PHOTOGRAPHS “I was born in Duluth – indus- rudeness to BaaaadDad – that

18.04.17 The Guardian 15 Arts

think when I have a baby, movies. Rose and Rosie don’t really I’m going to livestream the broadcast to an audience, they share ‘I birth.” Rosie Spaughton with a community. “YouTubers are is sitting in the Guardian ‘We don’t relatable, they’re accessible,” says Rosie. canteen with her wife Rose “On Twitter, George Clooney doesn’t fol- Ellen Dix, talking about the future low you or tweet you back, but we follow of their YouTube channels – and the our fans. We talk to them, we meet prospect of parenthood. Known to their really have them, we even know their friends.” one million subscribers simply as Rose In a thoroughly modern way, the two and Rosie, they slouch comfortably have played out their entire relationship among a growing pantheon of online online. When they met in 2011, Rose celebrities, pulling in vast audiences a fi lter’ had already started using YouTube. via the omnipresent video-sharing During her fi lm degree, one assignment platform. Their videos have been YouTube sensations Rose and Rosie required her to make a viral video so viewed over 142m times . have turned a vlogging hobby into a Rose fi lmed herself performing a parody What do they do to attract such a of Kesha’s Tik Tok track. “It got about huge following? Well, they sit in their hit brand. They talk to Keith Stuart 16,000 views in fi ve days . For a student living room in Hertford and chat . with, like, no previous YouTube experi- They talk about their lives, play video about coming out on camera, posting ence that was quite good.” games, make up terrible songs on their wedding online – and why Rosie was studying media and com- Rose’s acoustic guitar. They are warm, munications and working for a com- hilarious and unguardedly honest, there’s no such thing as oversharing munity radio station. When it started especially about sex and relationships. putting its programmes on YouTube, In one recent video, they discuss their she realised how simple and fun it was most hurtful rejections . “Oh, there was to build an audience . As soon as the that time you tried to have a threesome two started dating, they naturally fell and they told you to get out,” says into making videos together. “We were Rosie with undisguised glee. “That just doing it for a hobby,” says Rose. could only happen to you.” “I saw it as a creative outlet.” Rosie, YouTube superstardom is an emerg- though, reckons Rose used it as an ing form of celebrity, one that’s much excuse to meet. “Rose would say, ‘Oh, more intimate than TV, music or the we have to see each other because,

16 The Guardian 18.04.17 ‘Let’s be ourselves’left, and … Rosie Rose Ellen Dix, Spaughton; larking about on their Let’s Play Games channel; below, meeting fans at an event

you know, the fans need a new video.’ ‘Our first they are probably earning around what she wanted, but when Rosie tried There were, like, fi ve people watching.” £175,000-£200,000 a year from You- to come out to her again, three years But the audience grew, attracted payment Tube advertising and merchandising. later, her mum just accepted it with by such titles as Two Coff ees and an was £20. In November 2012, they made a a matter-of-fact: “I know you’re bi, Orgasm and Musical Jealousy Drama . video entitled SuperKiss! , in which they everyone knows.” While many of the biggest YouTubers We went to set out to kiss on camera for as long as Rose’s story was similarly confused. have a theme – PewDiePie plays games, possible. They only managed a few sec- She told her dad she thought she was Zoella does fashion – Rose and Rosie’s Iceland and onds before bursting out laughing, but gay and he said: “It’s natural to feel like videos feel charmingly aimless, even spent it the video exploded – it has been seen that about your friends.” She heard it though they’re not. The duo will talk almost three million times. Of course, it as: “It’s natural to feel up your friends” for an hour, then edit the conversation on sweets sounds salacious and was no doubt de- and took it as acceptance. When the down to a slick 10-minute routine. “A and alcohol’ liberately provocative. But they’re not two got married in 2015 – wearing huge portion of the creative process courting a voyeuristic male audience; beautiful, carefully coordinated white lies in the editing,” says Rose. “It’s they estimate their viewership as 90% dresses – Rose was walked down the where you inject your style”. female, predominately lesbian and bi – aisle by her dad, Rosie by her stepdad. Though they maintain a channel not that this was intended. “Both our families have been extremely each (and one for playing video games “We never put ourselves out there supportive and accepting,” they said. together ), they always appear in each as LGBT role models,” says Rose. “We They acknowledge they have other’s – Rosie ’s are more like reality didn’t want to pigeonhole ourselves. younger LGBT viewers, many who still TV, covering their daily lives; Rose’s But also, we didn’t want that kind of haven’t come out. “A lot of people’s work is like improvised standup , taking responsibility. We were like, ‘Oh, let’s situations really suck,” says Rose. in relationship quizzes and moral just be ourselves and have fun and that “They are in horrible households where debates. In one of their most popular will normalise it.’” they can’t possibly be themselves.” uploads from last year, Is Gaydar Real? , In 2014, they both made videos Do their videos help? “I think what we they start out discussing the sexuality about coming out to their parents: show is quite hopeful,” says Rosie. “Vis- of leading Hollywood stars, but some- Rose as gay, Rosie as bisexual . Rosie’s ibility is a huge deal. When I was grow- how end up wondering why Kristen mum reportedly initially felt that, at 15, ing up, I had no one. I didn’t know who Stewart wasn’t off ered the role of gay her daughter was too young to know Ellen DeGeneres was, I couldn’t think wizard Dumbledore in the Harry Potter of one gay person on TV. Now it’s easy movies. “Oh wait, she wasn’t out at the to get YouTube on your phone – you time,” says Rose. “No one wants to out don’t have to be watching something themselves as Dumbledore.” gay on TV in front of your parents.” Within a year, they’d started making Do they ever get messages from money via YouTube’s ad revenue- viewers that worry them? “Not as much sharing model – though it wasn’t now, because I’ve stopped answering much . “Our fi rst payment was £20,” so many,” says Rosie. “We got a lot of says Rosie. “We went to Iceland and anonymous Tumblr questions,” says SOPHIA EVANS FOR THE GUARDIAN; YOUTUBE FOR THE GUARDIAN; SOPHIA EVANS spent it on sweets and alcohol. We Rosie, “telling us about really bad situa- used to buy lots of onion rings, didn’t tions. We’d be like ‘What do I do?’ We’d we ? Curry and onion rings.” Rose nods, just try and give the best advice we sagely. “We know how to live.” These could, but what if you told them

PHOTOGRAPHS PHOTOGRAPHS days, although they’re not saying, the wrong thing?” →

18.04.17 The Guardian 17 Arts

The two do seem to have a gen- YouTubers, Rose and Rosie have started ← uine affi nity with their fans, even to develop their brand . Last year, they incorporating them into major events presented on Radio 1 and MTV . Then in their lives. When Rose decided to there’s their forthcoming live tour propose to Rosie in 2014, she uploaded (accompanied by their mums). “W e like a series of vlogs telling viewers. When being on stage,” says Rose. “We love the the two got married a year later, they adrenaline. It’s fun.” put their wedding video online. Some There is another important project may be uncomfortable with the idea in development. Last year, they started of such personal moments being pack- talking about having a baby , and aged into a commercial YouTube chan- through a series of videos discussed nel, but Rose and Rosie see it as their the options available . Unwittingly, thing, their modus operandi. “We don’t best impression. Now they’re both full- ‘I had to ask my they have found themselves in the really have a fi lter,” says Rose. “We just time YouTubers, a move Rose made mum not to middle of a fraught debate around gay think, ‘Look, if people want to watch fi rst, quitting her job at the Apple store watch,’ says parenthood. As Rosie explains: “ Some- because it’s us being us, then we’ll just in Worcester. “It was a risk, but there Rosie, right one in the comments was like, ‘How stick with that.’ We don’t want to pro- was a point where I thought, ‘Wow, this dare you think about sperm donation. duce something contrived or scripted.” is my career.’ I didn’t really like call- You should be adopting.’ As far as I’m They have, like the generation they ing it that at the time – I mean, people aware, I can have children, so why grew up with, become adults in a still laugh at it and don’t understand it should I adopt just because I’m gay?” world where no one thinks twice about enough for it to be acceptable.” “Rosie and I still don’t really know sharing every moment of their lives . What do their families make of their how we want to do it,” adds Rose. They also feel that their honesty has videos? “At fi rst, my mum and dad “ We’re not anti-adoption. We’ll do allowed a supportive community to didn’t really understand,” says Rose, what works for us.” develop. “We’ve got the best audience, whose parents are both retired. “I think But they’re dealing with the issue because we’re very open and honest,” they watch my videos, and I’m fi ne in their usual way. They’ve joked says Rosie. “They know everything with that. You know, they just let me about attaining sperm samples from about us, and that’s why we’ve got get on with it.” various sources and playing reproduc- such a close bond.” “Your sister said your dad watches tive Russian roulette. Originally, they Things can get out of hand though. loads of them,” interjects Rosie. “He planned for Rose to have a baby fi rst Last year, when the couple appeared just doesn’t want to embarrass you.” (“ She’s older,” points out Rosie), but at VidCon, the annual California You- “I don’t like to talk about that,” says Topics have now Rosie is considering it. Which Tube gathering, they ended up being Rose , who admits to being squeamish covered is how the topic of livestreaming the escorted out by security. “We didn’t about her mum watching their regular birth comes up. realise how many people would want live streams. Unlike the prerecorded everything “I want to do it,” says Rosie. “But to meet us,” says Rose. “It got so crazy videos, they aren’t carefully edited: from nude Rose keeps saying no.” they had to shut it down.” They nod, they’re Rose and Rosie with no fi lter, “I always assume you’re joking,” lost in memories of the chaos. “Of chatting with viewers and answering Skypeing says Rose. course, we vlogged it,” says Rose at last. typically forthright questions. “I had to “No, I genuinely want to do it.” But there are limits. They admit to ask her not to watch,” says Rosie. Topics to police “Why?” having quietly removed content after have covered everything from nude shootings, “I don’t know. I just think, ‘If I’ve got having second thoughts. They once Skypeing to police shootings and, in to go through it, so should everyone made a drunken video around the con- one memorable stream, resulted in the and singing else.’” fessional game Never Have I Ever, but duo singing an impromptu song called while eating Rosie had just started a new job and I Look Like Shit while eating bananas. The Rose and Rosie Exposed tour starts in they didn’t think it would make the Like many other successful bananas Cardiff on 23 April and continues until 28 April

18 The Guardian 18.04.17 Arts

How we made... Wish You Were Here ‘It was wonderful to see the fi lm’s phrases – like Lynda’s “Up yer bum!” – enter the vernacular’

David Leland, writer and director claimed the space as his – people had ‘The success was part?” But I’d just spooned some soup The inspiration for this fi lm was the to ask to come in. It created an extra- overwhelming’ … into my mouth and it didn’t register. famous British brothel-keeper Cynthia ordinary atmosphere. Emily Lloyd in Then he said: “I’d like you to have the Payne , and her rebellious adolescence We got into Directors’ Fortnight at the 1987 fi lm; part.” It still didn’t register, so he said: spent in Worthing and Bognor, but Cannes. At the end of the screening , below, with Tom “Emily, you’ve got the part!” And the it was just as much about my own there was cheering and I thought: Bell, who gets soup went all over the table. memories of growing up in a village “That’s nice.” Then we went out on her pregnant The fi rst day of fi lming was on my near Cambridge. That parochial life we to the balcony over looking the lobby 16th birthday . We only had six weeks captured – with every kid’s party taking and everyone went wild. “My God,” to get it done so it was quite gruelling. place in the British Legion and all the I thought, “we’ve got something I was completely exhausted at the end men wearing blazers and playing crown big here.” of every day . I’d been given a yellow green bowls – is taken from my dad and It’s wonderful how some of the fi lm’s Sony Walkman for my birthday and I’d the older generation in my village. phrases – like Lynda’s “Up yer bum!” – lie there in my hotel room listening to Emily Lloyd played Lynda, as our entered the vernacular. It’s like Personal Tina Turner to get to sleep. Cynthia character was called, and we Services , the fi lm I wrote inspired by The fi rst time I saw the fi lm, I consciously created a family atmos- Cynthia’s later life. When she can’t pay thought : “My nose looks very big.” But phere on and off the set. Every now the rent, she gives the landlord a hand- it’s a lovely fi lm and I like my character . and again, they’d all sneak out to a job. His name was Popozogolou and Playing her as free-spirited wasn’t disco and I wasn’t supposed to know. that became a euphemism for a wank . hard, but there was also sadness and In one scene, Lynda shows her knickers pain, when she fi nds herself pregnant. to all the bus drivers and conductors. Emily Lloyd, actor The success was overwhelming . I planted people from the makeup They gave me a synopsis for the audi- I went to Hollywood and one agent department in among the extras. At tion: “sexually precocious”.cious . So my wanted to buy me a horse. My mum fi rst they hid. Then, when the camera mother put me in a blacklack told me: “But darling, we’ve only got was back on Emily, they stood up and leather skirt and a tightght blue a small back garden.” I was inundated waved . You can see her laugh – and it’s crocheted top. The castingasting and there was no one out there to magic. It works. director took one glancence at protect me. My mum says, in retro- Tom Bell was playing Eric, the friend me and said: “You lookok like spect, she wishes she’d gone out there. of Lynda’s dad who forces her to have jailbait. Go home andd But, you know, I was hanging out with sex with him in his room above the get changed.” Then shehe the Brat Pack, Matt Dillon, going to cinema. He arrived early and went said: “But come back.”k.” barbecues with Brad Pitt. All of that, at PHOTOS 12/ALAMY; MOVIESTORE/REX/SHUTTERSTOCK 12/ALAMY; PHOTOS to set up the room. When I arrived , I blushed and returned ed 16, can’t be bad really. someone said: “Tom’s up in the room in jeans. – I think he’s drunk.” But he wasn’t . David took me Interviews by Jude Clarke. A 30th anniversary He was just lying on the bed rolling up for lunch and said: screening of the film will take place at the

PHOTOGRAPHS PHOTOGRAPHS cigarettes and smoking them. He had “Would you like the Dome Cinema, Worthing, on 23 April

18.04.17 The Guardian 19 Theatres London

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iven current events, any Poisoned … Alexander Litvinenko on insight into the way in his deathbed in London, 2006 G which Russia operates on the world stage is worth would be too much in a fi ctional spy paying attention to, so movie, such as the questioning of one the timing of Hunting the KGB Killers suspect, Dmitry Kovtun , carried out in (Channel 4) feels apt. This is a rigorous Russian as Met detectives had been and gripping documentary that tells told he spoke no English. At the end of the story of what happened to former the session, Kovtun wishes them luck – KGB offi cer Alexander Litvinenko , in English. The tapes mysteriously poisoned with one million times the never made it back to the UK. lethal dose of polonium in London But it also works as a story about in 2006. It is all but certain that the people and family and loss, never highest levels of Russian government Last night's TV mawkish, but moving . “It’s about how were involved, according to the Brit- to be human,” says Marina . Her persis- ish courts , which makes this fi lm as A KGB thriller more tence in ensuring a public inquiry is alarming as it is fascinating. staggeringly brave. “I believe he’ll be Many of those involved talk on outrageous than a able to see everything that happened, screen here for the fi rst time. We hear and I hope he’s proud of this,” she from Litvinenko’s widow, Marina , who explains through tears. Sup t Clive speaks with a quiet sense of loss and fi ctional spy movievie Timmons, a raised eyebrow in human a furiously dignifi ed sense of justice, form, has the last word. He says that if as well as his son, Anatoly. The then Russia disagrees with this version of foreign secretary Margaret Beckett events, they can come to Britain and off ers her perspective on what it has have their moment in court: “That’d be done for Anglo-Russian relations. The a good day out.” detectives who worked on the case There’s secrecy of a much more assess its impossibilities with gentle variety in Inside the Freemasons professionalism and an occasional By Rebecca Nicholson (Sky1), which promises to off er fl ash of grim humour. “unprecedented access” to this ancient Hunting the KGB Killers operates him accusing Putin of ordering the society. As part of their 300th birthday within the vogue-ish documentary assassination of journalist Anna celeb rations, they have been slowly parameters of bombastic strings and Politkovskaya ; at the time of making opening up to journalists, and seem blurry reenactments. Nevertheless, the the charge, according to the voiceover, keen to burst any myths of a spooky extraordinary, troubling tale whizzes the polonium was already in his secret cabal where men operate in the by – leaving one with the feeling that, system. It’s chilling. shad ows and do something involving by condensing such a vast story down Hunting the KGB Killers is powerful goats, a persistent misconception that to a robust 90 minutes, there is plenty on two levels. It works as a thriller, one mason here fi nds especially that must have been left out. such is the complex, frustrating nature hilarious. There is much to like about It starts from the moment Scotland of the work the detectives had to do in this fi lm, which suggests that masonry Yard detectives are sent to a hospital to order to try to crack the case. At one is a benign forum in which men get to speak to a gravely ill man named point, having been sent to Russia to wear fancy suits and play in a world of “Edwin Carter”. At fi rst, they admit speak to suspects, one offi cer says he AND ANOTHER secret codes and language, that to this THING they have trouble believing that he is thinks the tea they were off ered was uninitiated outsider sounds a lot like a a former KGB agent likely to have been poisoned, just enough to weaken form of cosplay , or the sort of thing you poisoned, but at this point Litvinenko them and aff ect their ability to conduct By now we’ll know might fi nd in the local historical whodunnit, and what is still able to talk, and he does, exten- reenactment society. It’s a shame the their invest ig ation. They had upset kind of send-off sively. We see fl ashback footage of the stomachs, but it didn’t stop them. “We Broadchurch decided access didn’t stretch to the initiation press conference he called in Moscow just had to do it in short bursts,” says to give Miller and ceremony that eager farmer James in 1998, to expose state corruption. DI Brian Tarpey, wryly. There are other Hardy. I already miss undertakes . My curiosity was piqued. Most shockingly, there is footage of moments so outrageous that they their bickering. I bet there’s a goat in there somewhere. NATASJA WEITSZ/CHANNEL 4 NATASJA PHOTOGRAPHS PHOTOGRAPHS

18.04.17 The Guardian 21 Film of the day TV and radio The Host (11.20pm, Film4) Humanity is being overtaken by alien parasites, causing Saoirse Ronan to struggle gamely with her inner alien

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With the Big Yin set to hit 75 later Grant. assessing whether they are more But the original format (two this year an hour-long special than just instruments. strangers bristling with barely seems adequate to cover awkwardness in a utilitarian Connolly’s life. Nonetheless, this 10.0 BBC News at Ten (T) 10.0 Later Live – With Jools Holland (T) London restaurant) is still where interview promises to reveal the 10.30 BBC Regional News and Weather Ed Sheeran, Michael Chapman, (T) Lottery Update Valerie June, Syd, Daymé Arocena the magic happens – as proven comedian’s thoughts on the art 10.45 Reported Missing (T) (R) The hunt and Marian Hill. by this cracking series eight of swearing and the power of for missing people across Britain. 10.30 Newsnight; Weather (T) opener, featuring a desperately laughter, off er some brand new 11.45 Spring: Earth’s Seasonal Secrets (T) 11.15 Snooker: The World Championship sweet young couple and an performance footage and feature (R) (T) 12.45 Weather for the Week Ahead 12.05 Snooker: World Championship uncomfortable coincidence. famous fans including David (T) 12.50 BBC News (T) Extra 2.05 MasterChef (R) 3.0 Rachel Aroesti Tennant and Andy Murray. Great Pottery Throw Down (R) Mark Gibbings-Jones Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners How to Live Longer: 8pm, Channel 4 The Big Think As plenty of docs have shown, 9pm, BBC4 there’s nothing remotely If the title gets your heart racing, 4.50 Pride and Place in the Sun: Winter Other channels Prejudice (2005) 7.20 Sun 11.0 Four in a Bed funny about OCD. This show, you’ll fi nd much to stimulate in Airplane! (1980) 11.35 Four in a Bed 12.05 9.0 The Hunger Four in a Bed 12.35 Four however, tries to bring a positive this elegant doc, which explores Games: Mockingjay – Part in a Bed 1.05 Four in a application to the compulsion the ways science is seeking to CBBC of Engagement 8.30 1 (2014) 11.20 The Bed 1.40 Time Team 2.40 Rules of Engagement 7.0am Arthur 7.15 Host (2013) 1.45 Time Team 3.45 Car SOS 8.55 Brooklyn Nine-Nine to tidy – as obsessive cleaners address the biggest causes of League of Super Evil 7.25 Intruders (2011) 4.50 Car SOS 5.50 Vet on 9.30 Brooklyn Nine-Nine Dennis the Menace and the Hill 6.55 The Secret bring some order to the homes death: cancer, heart disease 10.0 Melissa & Joey ITV2 Gnasher 7.40 Newsround Life of the Zoo 7.55 10.30 Melissa & Joey of people who might benefi t and dementia. Nobel laureate 7.45 The Dumping 6.0am You’ve Been Grand Designs 9.0 Homes 11.0 Baby Daddy 11.30 Ground 8.0 Odd Squad Framed! Gold 6.25 You’ve by the Med 10.05 Million from their spare fastidiousness. Paul Nurse is our shepherd on Baby Daddy 12.0 How I 8.15 Newsround 8.20 Been Framed! Gold 100% Pound Properties 11.05 Met Your Mother 12.30 Tonight, Brits Tina and Mark this journey through medical Blue Peter Bite: Lindsey 7.15 The Ellen DeGeneres 24 Hours in A&E 12.10 How I Met Your Mother and Radzi’s Wingwalking Show 8.0 Emmerdale 8 Out of 10 Cats Does 1.0 The Goldbergs 1.30 travel to assist Patrick in Texas – advances and ethics, from Adventure 8.30 Horrible 8.30 Coronation Street Countdown 1.15 Homes The Goldbergs 2.0 The Histories 9.0 The Worst 9.30 Britain’s Got by the Med 2.15 Million since his wife died, his ranch has designer babies and transplants Big Bang Theory 2.30 The Witch 9.30 So Awkward Talent: Ant and Dec’s Pound Properties 3.15 8 Big Bang Theory 3.0 How gone to pot. Five days of their that use “ghost hearts” from pigs 10.0 Sam & Mark’s Big Top 10 Moments 10.30 Out of 10 Cats Uncut I Met Your Mother 3.30 Friday Wind Up 11.0 Kung Step Up 2: The attentions should fi x things. to therapies that treat ageing How I Met Your Mother Sky1 Fu Panda: Secrets of the Streets (2008) 11.30 FYI 4.0 Brooklyn Nine-Nine Masters 11.20 Scream Daily 11.35 Step 6.0am Hawaii Five-0 John Robinson itself. Sophie Harris 4.30 Brooklyn Nine-Nine Street 2.15 OOglies Up 2: The Streets (2008) 7.0 Animal House 5.0 The Goldbergs 5.30 Funsize 2.30 Horrible 12.25 Emmerdale 12.55 7.30 Animal House The Goldbergs 6.0 The Histories 3.0 So Awkward Coronation Street 1.30 8.0 Monkey Life 8.30 Peter Kay’s Car Share Big Bang Theory 6.30 3.25 Zig and Zag 3.40 Coronation Street 2.0 The Monkey Life 9.0 The Big Bang Theory 7.0 9pm, BBC1 Dennis the Menace and Ellen DeGeneres Show David Attenborough’s Hollyoaks 7.30 Black-ish Gnasher 3.55 HH: Gory 2.50 The Jeremy Kyle Conquest of the Skies 8.0 The Goldbergs 8.30 Kay’s wonderfully gentle, Games Play Along 4.20 Show 3.55 The Jeremy 10.0 Modern Family The Goldbergs 9.0 E4’s Newsround 4.20 Lost & Kyle Show 5.0 Judge 10.30 Modern Family Fiat-set comedy continues Tattoo Artist of the Year Found Jam Sessions 4.35 Rinder 6.0 You’ve Been 11.0 Modern Family 10.0 Bizarre ER 11.0 The its second run, with John and The Next Step 5.0 The Framed! Gold 6.30 You’ve 11.30 Modern Family Big Bang Theory 11.30 Next Step 5.0 Lifebabble Been Framed! Gold 7.0 12.0 NCIS: Los Angeles Kayleigh not on their way to the The Big Bang Theory 5.30 Operation Ouch! You’ve Been Framed! 1.0 Hawaii Five-0 2.0 12.0 Tattoo Fixers 1.05 offi ce but rather to their annual 6.0 Scream Street 6.10 Gold 7.30 You’ve Been Hawaii Five-0 3.0 NCIS: E4’s Tattoo Artist of the Dragons: Defenders of Framed! Gold 8.0 Two Los Angeles 4.0 The Year 2.05 Gogglebox work do. Most of the episode is Berk 6.35 Dennis the and a Half Men 8.30 Two Simpsons 4.30 Modern 2.45 The Goldbergs 3.10 Menace and Gnasher and a Half Men 9.0 Hell’s Family 5.0 Modern Family spent following their journey Black-ish 3.30 Rules of 6.45 Danger Mouse 7.0 Kitchen USA 10.0 Family 5.30 Modern Family Engagement 3.50 Rules home from the party alongside Horrible Histories 7.30 Guy 10.30 Family Guy 6.0 Modern Family of Engagement 4.15 Operation Ouch! 8.0 The 11.0 Family Guy 11.30 6.30 The Simpsons 7.0 foul-mouthed Elsie (Game of Melissa & Joey 4.35 Dumping Ground 8.30 Family Guy 11.55 The The Simpsons 7.30 Charmed Thrones’s Conleth Hill). As usual, The Next Step 8.30 Lost & Vampire Diaries 12.50 The Simpsons 8.0 Found Jam Sessions American Dad! 1.50 Jumanji (1995) though, it’s the pair’s will-they, Film4 Celebrity Juice 2.30 10.0 Micky Flanagan E4 11.0am The Teleshopping Thinking Aloud 11.0 won’t-they relationship – this Muppet Movie (1979) 6.0am Hollyoaks 6.30 Carters Get Rich 11.30 12.55 The Spy More4 time soundtracked by Forever Coach Trip: Road to Ibiza Hawaii Five-0 12.30 Next Door (2010) 2.40 Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners, Channel4 6.55 Baby Daddy 7.30 8.55am A Place in the Road Wars 1.0 Hawaii Rat Race (2001) FM’s romantic nighttime off erings Baby Daddy 7.55 Rules Sun: Winter Sun 10.0 A Five-0 2.0 Revolution 3.0 22 The Guardian 18.04.17 Much more on TV For TV news, reviews, series, liveblogs and recaps go to: theguardian.com/tv-and-radio

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Arrow 4.0 Animal House David Attenborough’s Jim Al-Khalili talks to Great Lives. Ermonela Radio 4 Extra 10.30 Cowards (3/6) 4.30 Animal House 5.0 Flying Monsters 9.0 Professor Liz Sockett Jaho discusses the 10.55 The Comedy Club Radio Digital only Road Wars Billions 10.10 Veep about predatory bacteria. life of Mother Teresa. Interview 11.0 Concrete 6.0 The Blackburn Files 10.45 The Circus: Inside (3) 9.30 Whodunnit?: (3/9) 5.0 PM 5.54 Cow (6/6) 11.30 Mark (2/5) 6.30 An Actor in His Sky Arts the Biggest Story on The Pregnant Teen (LW) Shipping Forecast Thomas: The Manifesto Time (7/11) 7.0 Control 6.0am The South Bank Earth 11.20 The Trip to Düsseldorf, and Robert Vanishes. Chapter 3: 5.57 Weather 6.0 Six (1/4) 12.0 Thou Shalt Radio 1 Group Six (2/4) 7.30 Show 7.0 Hockney on Spain 11.55 Blue Bloods composes a symphony. 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(2/5) (1/4) 11.30 Today in Wednesday Workout 5.0 of Ait: The Lotos Effect in ’69 2.45 Conspiracy Theory On – The Ventriloquist 2.0 The Archers (R) 2.15 Parliament 12.0 News 6 Music Vanessa Feltz (2/5) 6.30 How Tickled with Jesse Ventura: Doll. Andrew Martin pays Drama: Almost Like Being and Weather 12.30 The Am I? (3/4) 7.0 Lines Digital only Sky Atlantic Apocalypse 2012 3.40 tribute to ventriloquists. in Love. By Catriona Knox. Odyssey Project: My 7.0 Shaun Keaveny Radio 3 from My Grandfather’s 6.0am The British 7.0 Hollywood’s Best Film (2/5) 11.0 Late Junction. 3.0 The Kitchen Cabinet Name Is Nobody: Tamrat 10.0 Tom Ravenscroft 90.2-92.4 MHz Forehead 7.30 The Men The British 8.0 The British Directors: Paul Schrader A collaboration session (R) 3.30 Costing the in the Cyclops’ Cave (R) 1.0 Mark Radcliffe and 6.30 Breakfast 9.0 from the Ministry 8.0 9.0 The West Wing 10.0 4.10 Hollywood’s Best by Baluji Shrivastav, Ben Earth: Sinking Solomon 12.48 Shipping Forecast Stuart Maconie 4.0 Steve Essential Classics. Rob The Blackburn Files (2/5) The West Wing 11.0 Cold Film Directors: Alan Chasny and Steve Noble. Islands. The loss of five 1.0 As BBC World Service Lamacq 7.0 Marc Riley Cowan is joined by the 8.30 An Actor in His Time Case 12.0 House 1.0 Blue Parker 4.40 Off Set: Ben 12.30 Through the Night of the Solomon Islands. 5.20 Shipping Forecast 9.0 Gideon Coe 12.0 6 poet Wendy Cope. 12.0 (7/11) 9.0 Brian Friel Bloods 2.0 The Guest Miller 5.0 Hollywood’s 4.0 Word of Mouth: 5.30 News Briefing Music Recommends 1.0 Composer of the Week: Stories (2/5) 9.15 Peter Wing 3.0 The West Wing Best Film Directors: Radio 4 How Countries Got Their 5.43 Prayer for the Day Iggy Pop 2.0 The Chuck Schumann – Schumann Wolf’s Ghost on the Moor 4.0 The West Wing 5.0 Ridley Scott 5.30 Explores the Rheinland. 92.4-94.6 MHz; 198kHz Names. The process 5.45 Farming Today Berry Story (2/6) 2.30 6.0 Today 9.0 The Life 10.0 Comedy Club The Cold Case 6.0 House 7.0 Hollywood’s Best Film The Schumanns settle by which countries get 5.58 Tweet of the Day: Live Hour 3.30 Jukebox Scientific: Liz Sockett. Missing Hancocks (5/5) Blue Bloods 8.0 Making Directors: Rob Marshall in to the pace of life in their names. (2/7) 4.30 Bullfinch (R) 5.0 Chris Hawkins 18.04.17 The Guardian 23 On the web Puzzles For tips and all manner of crossword debates, go to theguardian.com/crosswords

Quick crossword no 14,647 Sudoku no 3,725

Across 12345 1 Be capable of hitting with force (4,1,5) 6 637 7 Civic dignitary (8) 78 8 Ball game — small body 93 7 of water (4) 9 Tidy (4) 10 Excuse (7) 910 68 12 Very short time (5,6) 14 Very rough cider (7) 11 16 Men only (4) 5892 12 13 19 Mined minerals (4) 20 Rural communities (8) 1 21 Without a stitch on (5,5) 14 15 16 17 7125

Down 18 . 1 Tower supporting high-tension wires (5) 19 20 26 2 Object struck by a

snooker player (3,4) 24 9 0330 333 6846 3 Military force (4) 21

4 Rattled — perturbed (8) or call 5 Get into trouble (3,2) 814 6 Persuaded gently (6) Solution no 14,646 11 Break in a journey (8) HOCK STOWAWAY Medium. Fill the grid so that each row, column Solution to no 3,724 12 Firmly in place — free AO RAAV and 3x3 box contains the numbers 1-9. NUL L D I ATR I BE Printable version at theguardian.com/sudoku 274935861 from danger (6) DOS LEL S 918746352 13 Proceeding as planned Stuck? For help call 0906 200 83 83 or text SHREWSBURY 635128749 guardianbooks.co.uk (2,5) GUARDIANQ followed by a space, the day OAEYFQA and date the crossword appeared followed MIDDLE GROUND 153467928 15 Out of sorts (5) by another space and the CLUE reference EOTSOAA 786219534 (e.g GUARDIANQ Wednesday24 Down20) 17 Avarice (5) to 88010. Calls cost £1.10 per minute, plus PEEPINGTOM 429853176 your phone company’s access charge. Texts AZRETRS 18 Devise a strategy (4) CRUC I BLE LAVA Stuck? For help call 0906 200 83 83. Calls cost 562381497 cost £1 per clue plus standard network £1.10 per minute, plus your phone company’s access charges. Service supplied by ATS. Call 0330 ALNL I L 391674285 333 6946 for customer service (charged at SLUGGISH ONCE charge. Service supplied by ATS. Call 0330 333 6946 847592613 standard rate). for customer service (charged at standard rate). . Buy all four Guardian quick crosswords books for only £20 inc UK p&p (save £7.96). Visit . Buy all four Guardian quick crosswords books for only £20 inc UK p&p (save Doonesbury classic Doonesbury Garry Trudeau theguardian.com/crossword

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24 The Guardian 18.04.17