Love ADDICTION, TREATMENT, and RECOVERY

Sex and Love This page intentionally left blank SEX and Love

ADDICTION, TREATMENT, and RECOVERY

Eric Griffin-Shelley

Westport, Connecticut PRAEGER W London Library of Congress Cataloging-in- Publication Data

Griffin-Shelley, Eric. Sex and love : addiction, treatment, and recovery / Eric Griffin- Shelley. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references and index. ISBN 0-275-93794-1 (alk. paper).—ISBN 0-275-96065-X (pbk.) 1. Sex addiction. 2. Relationship addiction. I. Title. RC560.S43G75 1991 616.86—dc20 90-21283

British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data is available.

Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 90-21283 ISBN: 0-275-96065-X (pbk.)

First published in 1991

Praeger Publishers, 88 Post Road West, Westport, CT 06881 An imprint of Greenwood Publishing Group, Inc.

Printed in the United States of America

The paper used in this book complies with the Permanent Paper Standard issued by the National Information Standards Organization (Z39.48-1984).

10987654321 Contents

Acknowledgments vii

1. Introduction 1

2. What Is a Sex and Love Addiction? 5

Definition of Addiction 6 The High 8 Tolerance 11 Dependence 13 Craving 15 Withdrawal 18 Obsession 22 Compulsion 26 Secrecy 29 Personality Change 31 Getting It All Together: Diagnostic Criteria 33

3. The Disease Concept of Addictions 39

Competing Theories of Addiction 39 The Disease Model of Addiction 40 The Disease of Sex and Love Addiction 46 VI Contents

Physical, Mental, Emotional, Social, and Spiritual Aspects of Sex and Love Addiction 55 Severity of Sex and Love Addictions 68 Multiple Addictions 76 4. Short-Term Treatment and Recovery 89 Twelve-Step Programs: H.O.W. 92 Bottom Lines and Triggers 118 Secrecy 130 "Why Me?" 137 Masks and Attitudes 144 Relapse and Relapse Protection 147

5. Long-Term Treatment and Recover)7 157 Self-Affirmation 158 Support Systems 166 Families 176 Boundaries 187 Nurturing and Discipline 191 Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (P.T.S.D.) 197 Healthy Intimacy: "When Can I Have Sex/Love?" 203 Bibliography 211

Index 213 Acknowledgments

Many people have helped in the development of this book, but no one else has had anywhere near the impact of my wife, Helen Griffin-Shelley. She provided the nurturing environment and support that allowed me to go to graduate school, which led to employment opportunities that taught me about addictions. She literally suggested my writing a book. Her patience, encour• agement, understanding, and most of all, love allowed the creative process to take place. Finally, she provided invaluable and persistently positive think• ing during the search for a publisher. Without her, none of this would have been possible. I would also like to thank the many professionals who have contributed to my learning, especially Dr. Patrick Carnes and David Henrich, M.S.S. My special appreciation goes to the many patients with whom I have worked and the generous members of the Augustine Fellowship of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous—all of whom have helped me grow in love and under• standing. I would like to acknowledge my son, "Griff/' who gives me joy and love every day. Finally, I would like to thank my Higher Power for His many gifts, the many people who love me, and the therapeutic and writing talents that daily keep me in touch with His grace. This page intentionally left blank Sex and Love This page intentionally left blank 1

Introduction

When I began my work in the addiction field almost 20 years ago, sex and love addiction was unknown. Even today, the concept that a person could be "hooked" on love or sex is unsettling to most people. Some professionals scoff at the idea outright. Most are skeptical. However, as more is written and taught about this painful illness, many, laypersons and professionals alike, are starting to open their eyes, and in fact to see the magnitude of the problem. The purpose of this book is twofold. It is directed at both professional and nonprofessional audiences. My intent is to help those in clinical practice identify and assist the sex and love addicts who make up their patient load and to provide hope and direction for those suffering from this long-ignored addiction. Ever since Patrick Carness ground-breaking book, Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction, was published in 1983, there have been an increasing number of books and articles that address this topic. Robin Nor- wood's 1985 book, Women Who Love Too Much, hit a popular chord for many, and sold millions of copies. These books taught us much about this new area of addictionology, but they still dealt with love and sex as separate problem areas. This is similar to the views of alcohol and drug addiction of two decades ago. Most clients and clinicians saw the addicts as different, but the differences tended to be age- and social group-related (drug addicts were more often young and street-wise). Today, most people see both drug and alcohol dependence as examples of chemical dependency. The same will be true eventually with love and sex addiction. Some individuals have already suggested that both are problems with intimacy. In any case, in this book 2 Sex and Love

love and sex addictions will be considered together as they are in the Twelve Step recovery program in the Philadelphia area, the Augustine Fellowship of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. Until a couple of years ago, most of my training and experience had been in the area of chemical dependency. I had heard references to sexual addiction and even had heard of Patrick Carnes, but it was not until I ran into a sexually addicted patient that I really began to learn about and understand the nature of this addiction. The client in question had been engaged in sadomasochistic sexual activities prior to admission to a psychiatric hospital. As we talked about his experiences, it became increasingly obvious to me that there was a clear pattern of escalation in terms of both the danger and the proximity. For example, he started out going to New York City to act out, but as his illness progressed, he began to find partners closer to home. I hesitated to call the problem an addiction, but it nonetheless seemed to me to be exactly like the many stories that I had heard in my work with drug addicts and alcoholics. My experience with drug and alcohol addicts had taught me that a crucial aspect of recovery was connecting with a support group like Alcoholics Anon• ymous, so I began to look for a similar group for the client with sexual compulsions. Groups were hard to find because they were so anonymous, but eventually we found Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (S.L.A.A.), and his recovery and my education were both well underway. Since that time, I repeatedly have my eyes opened to the prevalence and extent of this potentially fatal illness. I see public figures like politicians and religious leaders who appear to have a compulsion to act out sexually. I see teenagers who are obsessed with love relationships that actually put their lives in danger. I see pornographic bookstores and massage parlors that cater to the sickness in my clients. I hear love songs that "program" teenagers to become love addicts. I read articles in my local paper about people whose addictions have progressed to the point where they are experiencing legal consequences. I wonder if we are not somehow7 becoming an addicted society. Over ten years ago, the National Institute of Health identified sexual ad• diction as a priority for research. At the time, they estimated that 15 million Americans had this problem. Now, conservative estimates indicate that the prevalence rate is about 5 percent, and most experts would guess that 10 percent is a more realistic figu