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Learning Each Other's Language

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Learning Each Other's Language FEATURE ] IMPROVING COMMUNICATION E TUT I T S N Y I MA HE T F O ESY ESY OURT C OTO H P I HAVE ALWAYS TRIED TO SURROUND MYSELF WITH INTERESTING, CARING AND THOUGHT- PROVOKING PEOPLE WHO HELP ME BETTER UNDERSTAND MYSELF AND THE WORLD AROUND ME. BY SUSAN M. WILCZYNSKI, PH.D., BCBA “Mary” is a wonderful example of such a friend. With an IQ in the stratosphere, she can talk circles around me in the area Learning Each of mathematics. But discussing other topics–such as relationship issues–can be Other’s Language a challenge for Mary, who was diagnosed with Asperger’s Disorder at the age of 51. Strategies to Improve Communication Mary thinks not in words, but in pictures Between Neurotypicals and Individuals and colors. That means she must translate on the Autism Spectrum images and colors into appropriate words before she can ask or answer questions, or offer one of her enlightening, often entertaining insights. But this extra effort does not stop Mary from persevering in her 50 AUTISM ADVOCATE • THIRD EDITION 2010 IMPROVING COMMUNICATION [ relationships with others, and finding ways It is also important to recognize that to be heard and understood. Over the years, respect should be mutual. Individuals Mary, a college professor, has developed on the autism spectrum sometimes feel TIPS ON many compensatory strategies that assist disrespected by neurotypicals as well. BRIDGING THE her in communicating with “neurotypical” All too often, neurotypicals speak to COMMUNICATION people–those of us who are not on the individuals with ASD as if they were GAP autism spectrum. incapable of understanding complex issues Communication, however, is a two-way or like they were children. As an individual with Asperger’s, street: The necessary ingredients for “I’ve had people treat me like a child many Mary offers her perspective of some of the communication challenges that effective communication apply equally to times, and I felt very disrespected,” Mary can occur between neurotypicals and individuals on and off the spectrum. It is shares. “It was very hard for me. I just felt individuals on the autism spectrum. No vitally important that neurotypicals also very put down…and I felt distrust toward two neurotypicals process information develop strategies for communicating those people.” exactly the same way; this is also true effectively with family members, friends for individuals on the autism spectrum. and colleagues who have autism spectrum Trust is Built on Truth Her tips, below, offer insight on how to disorders (ASD). This article contains To be honest, human beings lie. Some overcome some of those challenges. observations and suggestions that will help people tell outrageous lies, adding juicy Mary’s unique outlook helps illustrate the people from both groups learn to improve details to enhance their fabricated facts. value of taking time to better understand their communication with each other. But most of us are more apt to lie by those whose life experience may be different from our own. remaining silent, telling “lies of omission.” Neurotypicals almost expect this to occur ] Get to know us as individuals. Each person on the autism spectrum is Individuals on the autism on a regular basis and we tend to forgive different just as any two neurotypical spectrum sometimes “little white lies” very easily. people are different. Mary was quick to help me understand ] We are an intensely creative people, feel disrespected by and we also love details. Talking to us that all lies are a violation of trust for about our special interests is a great neurotypicals as well. individuals on the spectrum. If someone way to begin a friendship. with ASD asks you a question, there are ] Never mistake our naiveté for being only two good choices to consider. First, childlike. We can be very deep emotionally and very mature in ways you can answer the question directly. It is Mutual Respect that may only become apparent after best to provide the clearest explanation As Mary reminds me, social rules can you get to know us. Avoid patronizing possible, leaving out any subtext. Or you us or treating us like children. be confusing to individuals on the can say, “I’m not comfortable answering ] Many of us are frightened or autism spectrum. As a result, they might that question.” Some individuals with ASD mistrustful of people in authority, sometimes interact with neurotypicals in but when we see that they are doing may not understand your desire to keep a way that may seem disrespectful. For their jobs properly, we become less certain information to yourself and may example, some individuals on the autism fearful. However, some of us have ask why you are not comfortable answering had authority figures judge us harshly spectrum may ask questions that are too and misunderstand our feelings and the question. This situation may present its intimate or intrusive, or give the impression motives. As you take the time to own unique challenge, but at least you have of challenging authority or established know us and we see that you are not not violated their trust by telling a lie. prejudging us, it will be easier for us guidelines. They do not do this to make us to trust you completely. feel uncomfortable; oftentimes, they are There is an emotional aspect of ] Where appropriate, make it clear simply trying to understand our decision- communication to consider too, according what the rules are–and be consistent. making process. Neurotypicals need to be to Mary. When she was a girl, and certain that disrespect was intended before something was wrong, people would say, they react. “There, there; it’s going to be okay.” To CONTINUED ON PAGE 52 THIRD EDITION 2010 • AUTISM ADVOCATE 51 ] IMPROVING COMMUNICATION CONTINUED FROM PAGE 51 ...neurotypicals often speak using idioms and abstract (These rules may be complicated, but concepts. as long as they are explained, we do not mind.) ] Presume honesty. We may fail to make eye contact because it makes us feel anxious. We may be nervous in social situations with new acquaintances. Some may construe our symptoms of anxiety as related to lying, and may not believe or trust us. If anything, however, most of us are honest to a fault. ] When we answer your questions literally, we mean no offense. If a woman asks if she looks fat in a particular dress, many of us will just look at her, decide if she does and give our opinion. If you feel hurt by anything we say, please know that we do not mean to be hurtful. Many of us cannot read your face to know we have hurt you. We will know only if you tell us. E TUT I T ] Tell us if we are making you S N uncomfortable. For example, if we Y I MA invade your personal space, and HE T F you just move away, we may not O understand why. If you say something ESY OURT like, “I am not comfortable with C OTO H someone standing that close, but P six inches farther apart feels good to me,” we will generally be very willing Mary, this felt like a lie because they were are more likely to occur in a conversation to do that, and not feel hurt. not trying to help her fix the situation. between an individual with ASD and a ] We like logical explanations. When you are explaining something to us, “The flip side of that is that someone like neurotypical. Why? Because neurotypicals it is often easier for us to understand me might see a neurotypical person who’s often speak using idioms and abstract if you give us details first and the big picture second. hurt and say, ‘Oh, I can fix that,’” Mary concepts. In addition, our conversations explains. “We forget that the person needs ] We often lack competence with sometimes have underlying subtext— social skills and interpreting people’s us to empathize first andthen offer helpful unspoken opinions and emotions that can intent. Do not use social constructs suggestions. The lesson here is that we be easily misinterpreted or misunderstood, in explanation, but define things should all learn how to speak each other’s logically and factually. We may verify even by neurotypicals. Mary understands language. People on the spectrum need to and clarify often, and although this that we neurotypicals often speak this way can seem as if we are being difficult, learn how to empathize first and fix things without being aware of it. Yet, these are it is vital to our understanding. second, and neurotypicals need to say, ‘It’s In addition, you will often find it exactly the communication issues that most going to be all right’ and then, ‘I’m going to important to verify and clarify your challenge people on the autism spectrum. understanding of what we say. We help you fix it.’” greatly appreciate patient people. We can improve communication by better Verify and Clarify monitoring these patterns in our own While misunderstandings can arise in speech when we interact with a person CONTINUED ON PAGE 53 conversations between any two people, they with ASD. 52 AUTISM ADVOCATE • THIRD EDITION 2010 IMPROVING COMMUNICATION [ When conversing with most people on forms of alternative and augmentative CONTINUED FROM PAGE 52 the autism spectrum, it can be helpful to communication. The fact that someone uses “verify and clarify.” That is, you should an alternative to speech for communication, ] Avoid labeling us as “difficult” or “retarded,” or using other pejorative confirm that what you said has been however, does not mean that he or she is and prejudicial terms.
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