FEATURE ] Improving Communication T I TUT E Y I N S ESY O F T HE MA ESY OURT C P H OTO

I HAVE ALWAYS TRIED TO SURROUND MYSELF WITH INTERESTING, CARING AND THOUGHT- PROVOKING PEOPLE WHO HELP ME BETTER UNDERSTAND MYSELF AND THE WORLD AROUND ME.

BY SUSAN M. WILCZYNSKI, PH.D., BCBA

“Mary” is a wonderful example of such a friend. With an IQ in the stratosphere, she can talk circles around me in the area Learning Each of mathematics. But discussing other topics–such as relationship issues–can be Other’s Language a challenge for Mary, who was diagnosed with Asperger’s Disorder at the age of 51.

Strategies to Improve Communication Mary thinks not in words, but in pictures Between Neurotypicals and Individuals and colors. That means she must translate on the Autism Spectrum images and colors into appropriate words before she can ask or answer questions, or offer one of her enlightening, often entertaining insights. But this extra effort does not stop Mary from persevering in her

50 AUTISM ADVOCATE • THIRD EDITION 2010 Improving Communication [ relationships with others, and finding ways It is also important to recognize that to be heard and understood. Over the years, respect should be mutual. Individuals Mary, a college professor, has developed on the autism spectrum sometimes feel TIPS ON many compensatory strategies that assist disrespected by neurotypicals as well. BRIDGING THE her in communicating with “neurotypical” All too often, neurotypicals speak to COMMUNICATION people–those of us who are not on the individuals with ASD as if they were GAP autism spectrum. incapable of understanding complex issues

Communication, however, is a two-way or like they were children. As an individual with Asperger’s, street: The necessary ingredients for “I’ve had people treat me like a child many Mary offers her perspective of some of the communication challenges that effective communication apply equally to times, and I felt very disrespected,” Mary can occur between neurotypicals and individuals on and off the spectrum. It is shares. “It was very hard for me. I just felt individuals on the autism spectrum. No vitally important that neurotypicals also very put down…and I felt distrust toward two neurotypicals process information develop strategies for communicating those people.” exactly the same way; this is also true effectively with family members, friends for individuals on the autism spectrum. and colleagues who have autism spectrum Trust is Built on Truth Her tips, below, offer insight on how to disorders (ASD). This article contains To be honest, human beings lie. Some overcome some of those challenges. observations and suggestions that will help people tell outrageous lies, adding juicy Mary’s unique outlook helps illustrate the people from both groups learn to improve details to enhance their fabricated facts. value of taking time to better understand their communication with each other. But most of us are more apt to lie by those whose life experience may be different from our own. remaining silent, telling “lies of omission.” Neurotypicals almost expect this to occur ]] Get to know us as individuals. Each person on the autism spectrum is Individuals on the autism on a regular basis and we tend to forgive different just as any two neurotypical spectrum sometimes “little white lies” very easily. people are different. Mary was quick to help me understand ]] We are an intensely creative people, feel disrespected by and we also love details. Talking to us that all lies are a violation of trust for about our special interests is a great neurotypicals as well. individuals on the spectrum. If someone way to begin a friendship. with ASD asks you a question, there are ]] Never mistake our naiveté for being only two good choices to consider. First, childlike. We can be very deep emotionally and very mature in ways you can answer the question directly. It is Mutual Respect that may only become apparent after best to provide the clearest explanation As Mary reminds me, social rules can you get to know us. Avoid patronizing possible, leaving out any subtext. Or you us or treating us like children. be confusing to individuals on the can say, “I’m not comfortable answering ]] Many of us are frightened or autism spectrum. As a result, they might that question.” Some individuals with ASD mistrustful of people in authority, sometimes interact with neurotypicals in but when we see that they are doing may not understand your desire to keep a way that may seem disrespectful. For their jobs properly, we become less certain information to yourself and may example, some individuals on the autism fearful. However, some of us have ask why you are not comfortable answering had authority figures judge us harshly spectrum may ask questions that are too and misunderstand our feelings and the question. This situation may present its intimate or intrusive, or give the impression motives. As you take the time to own unique challenge, but at least you have of challenging authority or established know us and we see that you are not not violated their trust by telling a lie. prejudging us, it will be easier for us guidelines. They do not do this to make us to trust you completely. feel uncomfortable; oftentimes, they are There is an emotional aspect of ]] Where appropriate, make it clear simply trying to understand our decision- communication to consider too, according what the rules are–and be consistent. making process. Neurotypicals need to be to Mary. When she was a girl, and certain that disrespect was intended before something was wrong, people would say, they react. “There, there; it’s going to be okay.” To CONTINUED ON PAGE 52

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CONTINUED FROM PAGE 51 ...neurotypicals often speak using idioms and abstract (These rules may be complicated, but concepts. as long as they are explained, we do not mind.) ]] Presume honesty. We may fail to make eye contact because it makes us feel anxious. We may be nervous in social situations with new acquaintances. Some may construe our symptoms of anxiety as related to lying, and may not believe or trust us. If anything, however, most of us are honest to a fault. ]] When we answer your questions literally, we mean no offense. If a woman asks if she looks fat in a particular dress, many of us will just look at her, decide if she does and give our opinion. If you feel hurt by anything we say, please know that we do not mean to be hurtful. Many of us cannot read your face to know we have hurt you. We will know only if you tell us.

]] Tell us if we are making you T I TUT E

uncomfortable. For example, if we Y I N S invade your personal space, and you just move away, we may not understand why. If you say something like, “I am not comfortable with O F T HE MA ESY OURT

someone standing that close, but C P H OTO six inches farther apart feels good to me,” we will generally be very willing Mary, this felt like a lie because they were are more likely to occur in a conversation to do that, and not feel hurt. not trying to help her fix the situation. between an individual with ASD and a ]] We like logical explanations. When you are explaining something to us, “The flip side of that is that someone like neurotypical. Why? Because neurotypicals it is often easier for us to understand me might see a neurotypical person who’s often speak using idioms and abstract if you give us details first and the big picture second. hurt and say, ‘Oh, I can fix that,’” Mary concepts. In addition, our conversations explains. “We forget that the person needs ]] We often lack competence with sometimes have underlying subtext— social skills and interpreting people’s us to empathize first andthen offer helpful unspoken opinions and emotions that can intent. Do not use social constructs suggestions. The lesson here is that we be easily misinterpreted or misunderstood, in explanation, but define things should all learn how to speak each other’s logically and factually. We may verify even by neurotypicals. Mary understands language. People on the spectrum need to and clarify often, and although this that we neurotypicals often speak this way can seem as if we are being difficult, learn how to empathize first and fix things without being aware of it. Yet, these are it is vital to our understanding. second, and neurotypicals need to say, ‘It’s In addition, you will often find it exactly the communication issues that most going to be all right’ and then, ‘I’m going to important to verify and clarify your challenge people on the autism spectrum. understanding of what we say. We help you fix it.’” greatly appreciate patient people. We can improve communication by better Verify and Clarify monitoring these patterns in our own While misunderstandings can arise in speech when we interact with a person

CONTINUED ON PAGE 53 conversations between any two people, they with ASD.

52 AUTISM ADVOCATE • THIRD EDITION 2010 Improving Communication [ When conversing with most people on forms of alternative and augmentative CONTINUED FROM PAGE 52 the autism spectrum, it can be helpful to communication. The fact that someone uses “verify and clarify.” That is, you should an alternative to speech for communication, ]] Avoid labeling us as “difficult” or “retarded,” or using other pejorative confirm that what you said has been however, does not mean that he or she is and prejudicial terms. This makes us understood in the manner you intended. incapable of sustaining a positive, complex anxious, and anxiety makes many If a miscommunication has occurred, you social interaction. of us less able to communicate effectively. should clarify your intent or content. Do Some individuals with ASD have family ]] We have never been typical for not be surprised if individuals with ASD members, friends or support staff who even one day, but we would love to need further clarification. Of course, this assist them when they go out into the understand you, and like it when you try to understand us. may also happen in conversations between community. Unfortunately, some people ]] We want to be given freedom and neurotypicals. Respectfully requesting and in our communities do not look at and allowed to grow, and be provided the adding clarification should be our goal respond to the individual with ASD, but supports to do so. regardless of our communicative partner. instead interact with the adult who is attempting to facilitate the discussion. Nonverbal Communication We must encourage people to bear in Keep in mind that much of what we Final Thoughts mind that the communication is between communicate with each other happens Although I have spent a good deal of my the individual with ASD and themselves. nonverbally. Our interest in initiating and professional life learning about ASD and Individuals on the spectrum will have a maintaining a social interaction is conveyed in writing about effective treatments for hard time learning the value of interacting our posture, facial expression and eye contact. autism and other developmental disorders, with others if people do not communicate Furtive glances at the door may indicate an I still have much to learn. I have learned a directly with them. intense desire to escape. Like many people lot about Asperger’s and other ASDs from on the spectrum, Mary works hard to better Whether a person communicates through Mary, but this is not all she has taught me. understand these nonverbal cues. speech, a device or pictures, the goal is to Mary teaches me about perseverance as she effectively engage another person in an continues to use her analytic strengths to Alternative and Augmentative interaction that serves a mutual purpose. grow and change as a person—something Communication When sustaining a social communication we all should do. Mary teaches me about In some cases, people with ASD have with an individual on the spectrum (or understanding as she knows that my co-occurring intellectual disabilities that anyone else), the same rules apply: mutual response to an email may be a week or two limit their ability to speak. For others, respect, trust/honesty, verify/clarify. We behind schedule. Mary teaches me that there attempting to produce speech is too must be careful not to dehumanize or are always new ways to look at the world. difficult or inefficient. These individuals disrespect an individual simply because And she brings joy to my life because there are more likely to communicate using they use alternative communication is almost always something to laugh about speech-generating devices or other strategies. when we communicate with each other.

About the Authors SUSAN M. WILCZYNSKI, PH.D., BCBA, AND “MARY” Susan M. Wilczynski, Ph.D., BCBA, is the Executive Director of the National Autism Center in Randolph, Mass. As Chair of NAC’s National Standards Project, she has worked with experts nationwide to establish national standards of education and behavioral intervention for children with autism. Dr. Wilczynski holds a joint appointment with the May Institute, where she serves as Senior Vice President of Autism Services. “Mary” is a well-respected college professor at a large university in the Northeast. Diagnosed with Asperger’s at the age of 51, she is also the mother of three children.

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