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(Shabbos 3la) The Maharsha (ad before Hashem created Chava, he tion, others with years of experience in loc.) explains this to mean: "Were you described Adam's status as "Lo tov- it is the field were also invited to contribute involved in matching up couples? Were not good for man to be alone" (Bereishis to this issue. you sympathetic to single people, help- 2,18). This sense of incompletion flows fut in setting up shidduchim for them, from a source deeper than unmet emo- supporting them in making their cru- tional or biological needs. It reflects a spir- w e are told that a Bas Kol cial decis ions?" itual vacuum, something essential that is (Heavenly Voice} proclaims In preparing this special issue, we lacking in one's neshama - a longing that who wi ll marry whom forty endeavored to consult seasoned and suc- finds expression on many levels. Only days before a child is formed in the ' cessful practitioners who have been through marrying did Adam and Chava womb. Destiny is proclaimed, but involved in what we call The Shidduch attain the status of'good." And the same unfortunately the road to finding that Process, to shed light on the needs of our prevails for all their progeny. preordained mate is often long and singles, and how best to meet them. This crucial subject must be viewed rocky. In addition to wise guidance from Many areas are discussed in this issue. from a Torah per- Indeed, more than spective, for how else those included in can one build a Bayis these pages were also Ne' eman Be Yisroel - a effectively addressed, Jewish home that is but space limitations true to its sacred call- forced us to post- ing, one that reflects pone publication of its holy sources, and some articles of truly will bear fruit in a compelling signifi- way that brings pride ':; , ,_ cance. These include and hope to our peo- !--: ,,,·\ · ·>i .:_ "' ·- '·-~ . '-'·' ,,,:: , · ·, ', -~:-\ ', > " ;," the challenges and pie? grQ\V~~ ' aspJri~g for ,· sap.ct~ty ': _:,.: ' :",:> rewards of families In the past, one , '<<· ·:and n~~.;:J r~'aJizing 't~lfillment ~·, ," ,: '. ~ (??'.t/:! blessed with a wealth studied sacred texts '.'-· \:, .. ·.·.<·. · :, ;: .·. ·.. · :,_\ , > ·· · ~::. ::" . .• . .:/' ,> of children;the trials and absorbed relevant · :, > " <· and triumphs of guidance and values INTRODUCTION '· •··. >. • baalei teshuva in set- from th e very air ting up a home that breathed in the classic resonates with th e Jewish home. Today, eternal values of our however, we are beset with a growing Torah mentors - for both men and ancient people; marriages of people number of singles who are searching women - halacha directives for how to from extremely different backgrounds; unsuccessfully for their predestined search for information about shidduch the infertile marriage; the fully recovered zivug. In addition, the number of homes prospects, and how to provide it to those survivors of a traumatic illness, and his beset with shalom bayis problems (lack who require it, must be scrupulously or her expectations - and rights - to find of harmony) is also rising. How can we honored. Irrelevant, subjective, distort happiness as a marriage partner .... reduce these problems, and enhance the ed, or gratuitously harmful data must These and others will i1"' N appear in shalom of our homes? be avoided at all costs. And at the same future issues of The Jewish Observer. Thus this issue of The Jewish Observ time, some facts must be shared. Guide- er, dedicated to promoting Shidduchim lines are offered in several of the arti- M ay the thoughts expressed in and improving Shalom Bayis, based on des in these pages. this issue be an impetus for all guidance from Torah personalities who And the principals need encourage- who read them to engage in a draw their insights from the words of ment, compassion and counsel. .. from positive response to our calling to be Chazal, and the observed actions and parents, peers, mentors, and on occasion oseik be'frya u'reviya, bringing all our attitudes expressed by their Rebbe'im - ' professionals ... guided, to be sure, in people's children to fulfillment in build- ~heir mentors, whose every gesture and qmcept and practice by Torah values. 1 ing a Bayis Ne'eman BeYisroel. N.W. . . ·. ' ., ~' .. \, ·. ':· :;r(!mark reflecte9-Torah vah,1(!s,M~ny of , • We s~owc;i all bear in mind tl:tatwhen . , . 1 ,;i::~hs~rticles iii.;f:~,i~~~~ue ~~:~,g~.$4,:~om- ;:jyff.~fr the HeafrnlyJribunal ~fter:O.ur See ~bQi Joseph El~ as's ~~Y· "Bec~ira/Fr~d~lll: ··· ""·"·· i ~~1r1w~~1,m111~~\!~~ll~~i~!~il~iilG!@iit" ~ Menachem Av 5761 •Summer 2001 U.S.A.$3.50/Foreign $4.50 ·VOL XXXIV/NO. 6 THE JEWISH OBSERVER (ISSN) 0021-6615 is published monthly except Jewish Marriage - A Union of Sanctity July and August by the Agudath Israel · of America, 42 Broadway, New York, SPECIAL ISSUE NY10004. Periodicals postage paid in New York, NY. Subscription $24.00 per year; two years, $44.00; three years, $60.00. Outside of the United States (US OVERVIEW funds drawn on a US bank only) $12.00 surcharge per year. Single copy $3.50; 9 Shidduchim: Where Heaven and Earth Meet, foreign $4.50. POSTMASTER: Send address changes Rabbi Matisyahu Salomon N"P"nJ, to: The Jewish Obseiver, 42 Broadway, prepared (or publication by Avrohom Birnbaum NY., NY. 10004. Tel: 212-797-9000, Fax: 646-254-1600. Printed in the U.S.A. I. THE SHIDDUCH PROCESS RABBI NISSON WOLPIN, EDITOR 12 Interview with Rabbi Matisyahu Salomon N"P"'111 EDITORIAL BOARD RABBI JOSEPH ELIAS 16 Now You Say It, Now You Don't, Rabbi Yitzchok Berkowitz Chairman 22. When Someone's Life is in Your Hands, Dr. Judith Mishell RABBI ABBA BAUONY JOSEPH FRIEOENSON 2.9 Understanding Limitations, Dr. Aaron Twerski RABBI YISROEL MEIR KIAZNER RABBI NOSSON SCHERMAN 31 From A Shadchan's Perspective, Rabbi Zvi Schachtel PROF. AARON TWERSKI 33 The Best of Times or The Worst of Times? Shia Markowitz DA. ERNST L. BODENHEIMER Z"L Founding Chalnnan II. BAYIS NE'EMAN BEYISROEL MANAGEMENT BOARD AVI FISHOF 39 A Woman ofValor: Master Builder of the Jewish Home, NAFTOLI HIRSCH ISAAC KIRZNER Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe N"tn':ro, prepared (or publication by Pnuel Peri RABBI SHLOMO LESIN NACHUM STEIN 43 Ona'as Devarim:The GreatThreat to Shalom Bayis, RABBI YOSEF C. GOLDING Rabbi Avroham Pam N·'"""'1 Managing Editor prepared (or publication by Rabbi Matis Blum Published by Agudath Israel of America 47 Shalom Bayis:The Need for Formal Hadracha, Rabbi Mordechai Biser U.S. TRADE DISTRIBUTOR ISRAELI REPflESENTATIVE Feldhelm Publishers lnlnl. Media Placement 200 Airport Executive Park POB 7195 / 5 Even Israel 54 Bein /sh L'lshto: Improving Marital Communication, Nanuet, NY 10954 Jerusalem, ISRAEL Dr. Rashi Shapiro and Dr. Meir Wik/er BRITISH REPRESENTATIVE BELGIAN REPRESENTATIVE M.T. Bibelman Mr. E. Apter Grosvenor Works Lange Kievitstr. 29 Mount Pleasant Hil! 2018 Antwerp Ill. THE MATURE SINGLE London ES 9NE, ENGLAND BELGIUM A Prisoner in Cinderella's Castle, Miss Anonymous FRENCH REPRESENTATIVE SWISS REPRESENTATIVE 60 Rabbi Bamberger Mr. S. Feldinger 21 Boulevard Paixhans Leimanstrasse 36 63 Le Torah, LeChupa U'le'ma'asim Tovim, Shaya Ostrov 57000 Metz 4051 Basel FRANCE SWITZERLAND 72. Time To Move On, Dr. Yaakov Salomon THE JEWISH OBSERVER does not assume responsibility for the Kashrus BOOKS IN REVIEW of any product, publication, or service IV advertised in its pages 77 The Seven Gates, by Shaya Ostrov, Mrs. Denise Karasick ©Copyright 2001 78 Dear Daughter, by Rabbi Boruch Eli Goldschmidt, Wsalute the Shadchanim of Invei Hagefen who devote heart and neshama to helping mature singles achieve their goal of reaching the chupa nrmm:n i1:m' i'll'\?l::l, assisting them with encouragement, compassion and dignity. Through remarkable Siyata diShmaya, 600 names have been removed from Invei Hagefen's active files - through matrimony - in significant measure, due to their efforts. Esther Alter Riki Harris Adele Schnell Ruthie Becker Rozi Hellman Pesie Schwarcz Ida Drillman Leah Hirsch Suzie Silberberg Chavi Finestone Scheindi lnzlicht Vivienne Soloff Nellie Fink Rebbetzin Rose lsbee Shoshana Sperling Hindy Fischer Ruth Kaminetsky Rochel Spitzer Pearl Fontek Shirley Lerner Naomi Stender Rifky Fried Ildy Leibel Pearl Ullman Pessie Friedman Judy Lustig Regina Weinstock Yaffa Fruchter Chaya Meyer Rebecca Weiss Leah Gelcrnter Chailcie Millet Raquel Wolf Barbara Gold Kicia Reiss Devorah Wulliger Chips Gold Miriam Schechter Roslyn Zuckerman Dassie Gottlieb Fruma Schiffenbauer BOARD OF DIRECTORS Rabbi Yael Kramer Mrs. Leah Gelernter Mr. Feivel Muller Mrs. Aliza Grund Rabbi Nisson Wolpin Rebbetzin Rose Isbee Mr. Mendel Zilberberg Mrs. Zisi Zilberberg 9nvei age fen Yaty Weinreb, Chairman bidducbim e Heaven and Earth Meet IN THE PATH OF THE PATRIARCHS I ry kehilla. Rather, he chose to send his traits that Avraham had wanted his own I servant to seek out a match in Charan descendants to possess. His talmidim, on he Torah describes in great detail . from his own family, who were outright the other hand, were descendants of Avraham Avinu's approach to J idol-worshippers. From the wording of Canaan, whom the Torah refers to as Tfinding a match for his son I the Torah, Chazal deduce that, upon cursed. Despite their belief in Hashem, Yitzchak. Many relevant lessons can be j Eliezer's arrival at the home of Lavan, their inherent character traits were learned from this entire episode. deficient and Avraham knew that his The Torah relates how Avraham Based on a lecture progeny would not be suitable for summoned Eliezer and made him swear being the forebears of the Jewish nation by "the G-d of Heaven and Earth" that delivered by Rabbi (Kial Yisroel) if they were to have the he would only take a wife for Yitzchak Matisyahu Salomon N"vl?v middos of Canaan in their genes. from Avraham's own family in Charan. We can thus understand the common (See Bereishis 24,3.) In his commentary Mashgiach of Bais Medrash Govoha, aphorism often cited in regard to shid on this pasuk, Rabbeinu Bachya asks why in Lakewood, NJ duchim, "If the choice is between 'frumkeit' and middos, middos take Avraham insisted that Eliezer take an Prepared for publication oath, particularly in light of the fact that by Rabbi Avrohom Birnbaum precedence." At risk of being misun Eliezer was Avraham's most trusted ser derstood, let me explain: Emuna is cer vant - he administered Avraham's entire tainly the fo undation of Yiddishkeit. fortune and was in charge of all of his Without emuna - without being frum, master's affairs. Moreover, Eliezer was which is a by-product of emuna - a per the main transmitter of Avraham's son possessing the finest middos is still teachings to the world. In fact, Chazal a "lost soul" in a religious sense. That explain the words of the Torah, "Moshe! aphorism about frumkeit and middos bechol asher lo- he [Eliezer] ruled over refers to a person in possession of ster all that was his" (ibid., v. 2) in the sense ling traits who enters the "House of that Eliezer had the same complete con Avraham Avinu," a house permeated trol over his own yeitzer hara (inclina with emuna. He will eventually become tions) as did Avraham Avinu. Why a maamin, a believer. Somebody who then would Avraham find it necessary has emuna, however, but lacks the req to make him swear? Surely, he could uisite positive character traits, will have trust him to follow his instructions and a much more difficult time changing his find the proper shidduch for Yitzchak! inherent negative middos, even when This story raises even more questions. exposed to an atmosphere where mid ; Why did Avraham Avinu choose to seek Lavan had to reassure him that he had dos tovos are the norm. For unlike emuna j J a wife for Yitzchak in Charan, his removed all idols from the house so he or frumkeit, which can be more easily birthplace? Ramban states that Avraham could enter. Why then did Avraham acquired on their own, middos are l had attracted tens of thousands of stu Avinu not seek a shidduch from among largely inborn and are therefore difficult :1 j dents whom he had inculcated with his pious students, his kehilla, all of to learn and acquire later in life. It is for belief in Hashem. He painstakingly whom had become monotheists? this reason that when choosing a shid l i' built an entire community dedicated to duch, middos is stressed over fru mkeit. l the service of Hashem; indeed, the THE POWER OF MIDDOS TOVOS Rabbeinu Bachya explains Avraham pasuk refers to him, "N'si Elokim - a Avinu's concern over middos in a simi Prince of G-d." Yet, he did not choose arbanel explains that although lar manner, and concludes his discussion ll a wife for Yitzchak from this exempla- Avraham's family were idol wor by mentioning the Sephardic custom of l Aihippers, they inherently pos taking out the Torah and reading the Rabbi Birnbaum, who prepared this article for sessed m iddos tovos, positive character Parsha of Chayei Sarah to a groom on I publication, is an educator in Lakewood, NJ. He traits in their very blood. It was these his wedding day. This is to remind the ! is a frequent contributor to these pages. i The Jewish Observer, Summer 2001 9 groon1 to contemplate Avraham Avinu's species, in that she was 1nade from Man hu1nan race, Hashen1 could have creat approach to finding a partner for his son himself and was therefore a part of him. ed humans similar to anin1als, who have Yitzchak: He too should not marry for In all other species, the male and female little to do with each other. Rather, beauty, 1noney or honor, but rather for are completely independent of each Hashem intended that each person help the sake of Heaven, and take pains to other; the only purpose of the female is his or her mate achieve their assigned choose a wife from a worthy family. This, to propagate the species. goals through understanding one anoth· he explains, is why the Torah relates There is yet another important er's needs, and overcoming obstacles so many instances of people marrying dimension to their creation. Man was as to realize these goals. This is what the within their own extended fan1ilies, as created so weak that he could not man pasuk indicated with the comment: "It did Avraham Avinu, and An1ram in mar age alone in this world. He and his pait· is not good for Man to be alone." rying Yocheved, his aunt. Marrying a ner are completely dependent on one person from one's own surroundings another to navigate the vicissitudes of "BASHERT' -ITS MEANING and background will help ensure mutu· life. Why didn't Hashem make the AND IMPLICATIONS al understanding, compatible goals, human a super-being, with the ability to and a harmonious relationship. hb concept can be developed fur ther by examining the term 1 A PERSON ALONE IS INCOMPLETE • T ' bashert - predestined') and its arriage is the implications. It is commonly assumed bbeinu Bachya goes out of his Mmeans for that when it comes to shidduchim, way to e1nphasize that one everybody has a" bashert;' a predestined Khould marry for the sake of bringing a person to partner whom he (and she) must find. heaven. v\lhy this special emphasis in the completion, so that he But, is not everything in the world also case of marriage? After all, the Mishna predestined? Why is this only singled out in Avos declares, "All of your deeds can achieve his in regard to shidduchim? should be for the sake of Heaven." Jn fact, the Talmudic source for this To explain this point, we will return ultimate goal: Each concept is, "Forty days before concep tion, a heavenly voice proclaitns 'the to Avrahan1's insistence that Eliezer spouse is intended to 1 swear by the "G-d of Heaven and daughter of Ploni for Ploni."' But that Earth:' Ibn Ezra, in a cryptic comment, complete the other, to 1'aln1udic staten1ent continues, saying which he calls a "secret of the Torah enable the two the same regarding "the house of (sod);' states that the reason for this oath Ploni to Ploni ... [and] the field of Ploni is found in the Talmud's dictum: "Forty together to overcome to Ploni ... .'' The san1e heavenly voice days before a fetus is conceived, a Bas their inherent that declares whom one will marry also Kol (Heavenly voice) calls out and says proclain1s which house one will live in) 'the daughter of Ploni (so-and-so) to inadequacies. and which field one will acquire. Ploni."' The Avi Ezer explains that in These too are" bashert." This concept order to understand the cryptic words can also be seen fro1n the Gen1ora that of Ibn Ezra, one must study Rashi's • states: «Before one is born, it is explanation on the pasuk in Bereishis do everything- learn, earn a living, cook, declared whether he will be wise or (2,18), in which Hashem says, "It is not bring up children, and so on? Rashi is foolish, strong or weak, poor or good for Man to be alone. I will make telling us that if a person would possess rich ... " (Nidda 30a). If everything him a helpmate opposite him:' Rashi such capacities, able to perform all about the person is predestined, it explains, "So that they should not say tasks himself, he would think of himself would seem that even before a person that there are two authorities. Hashem as a Yachid B'olamo - a singular power is born, his circu1nstances are so is unique in higher reahns and has no in this world. Man must realize that he molded that there is little room to mate, and Man is unique in the lower cannot do everything on his own. improve or regress. Why did Hashem realms, and he too has no mate." Rashi Marriage is the means for bringing a create man this way? implies that if Man were left without a person to completion, so that he can We recognize, of course, that at the partner on earth, he would become so achieve his ultimate goal: Each spouse is moment of a child's birth, a soul is sent filled with self-importance, that he intended to complete the other, to into its body to fulfill a specific mission. would view himself as a god. That is why enable the two together to overcome The soul has a complement of tools nec Hashem created a partner for Man. Cre· their inherent inadequacies. Were the essary to achieve that purpose. Chazal ation of the human female, however, dif aim of tnarriage to be no more than sim are telling us that a person is provided fered from the female of all other ply providing a vehicle to propagate the with all that he needs to succeed in his 10 The Jewish Observer, Summer 2001 mission in this world. If the person is enable me to achieve my purpose?" If one filled, with the help of the proper help to become a talmid chacham, he is pro becomes sidetracked from what his mate. Heaven has decreed how he will vided with the requisite intelligence. If focus should be, and concentrates on be able to achieve his purpose on earth. he is to become a baal tzeddaka, he is extraneous matters - such as beauty, If Eliezer did not swear, and Yitzchak provided with the necessary wealth, and wealth or honor - he is in effect losing did not get the wife who was right for so on. Similarly, it is difficult to achieve sight of the purpose for which marriage him, Yitzchak might not have fulfilled one's purpose without a place to live; was created. The Heavenly voice that his own purpose, and as a result, Klal thus the Bas Kol declares the assignment declares" Bas Ploni to Plant is saying that Yisroel as a whole would ultimately not of "the house of Ploni." And the same each partner has the potential to enable achieve the purpose that Hashem had applies to Bas Ploni - one's spouse, for the other to achieve the ultimate purpose designed for them. a spouse is an integral part of one's life, for which he and she were created. Here That is why Hashem created Chava, without whom he would not be able to in lies the deeper meaning of the pasuk, the first woman, from Adam himself. act out in his assigned role in life. All of "It is not good for Man to be alone:' Each spouse must be able to complete the above factors mentioned in the While alone, a person cannot achieve this ly understand the other, as if they were Gemora, including Bas Ploni- the per ultimate purpose; it is only the proper part of a larger unit. Without this deep, son who will be one's life partner- are helpmate who can bring him to this goal. inner connection and innate under integral components in enabling an It was for this reason that Avraham standing of one another, they would not individual to achieve the specific pur Avinu, despite having entrusted Eliezer be capable of achieving completion, pose for which he was created. with his entire spiritual and material for reaching their ultimate purposes. This is where "1narriage for the sake tune, insisted that he swear "by the G-d When seeking proper life partners for of Heaven" comes into play. When a per of Heaven and Earth," when seeking ourselves and our children, let us bear in son lives his life with the objective that Yitzchak's intended wife. mind the Torah's lessons on shidduchim: he must achieve the purpose for which The realm of shidduchim is the point to seek a partner for the sake of Heaven. he was sent into the world, he will where heaven and earth meet. The ulti Let us focus on finding the person with approach marriage with that role in mate purpose for which each and every whom one will be able to accomplish here mind. When seeking a helpmate, his cri person was created has been decreed in on earth the purpose that was predes teria will be based on "which person will heaven, but it is on earth that it must ful- tined for each in Heaven. • ,~------~EET THE GEOOLIM OF ~EST~R~EARl] P" their lives ... their writings ... their times ... their tribulations ... AT LAST! • • . The Fifth Volume is Here! 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MASTERS OF THE MESORAH: LATER RISHONIM {Early Tosafists through Shulchan Aruch, 1100-1575) EARLY BIRD BONUS The Jewish Observer, Summer 200 l 11 Rabbi Matisyahu Salomon N"P~'n' on Sbidducbim and Marriage A Jewish Observer Interview he Shechina dwells in the Jewish home, we are told. Ghazal have told us that "At eighteen one is destined for the In fact, the two letters that distinguish the Hebrew chupa!' Moreover, young people usually also possess fires of Twords for man and woman - the letter "Yud'' in the idealism, which can truly equip them to embark on such an ~N (man) and the"Hey" ofn~N (woman)-combine to form ambitious undertaking. the Divine Name of Yud and Hey: Kah. Without them, each This extremely challenging task can be brought more with word spells WN - fire: fires of passion, perhaps, at the onset, in the reach of a young couple if they have access to a men but ultimately fires of destruction. In a Torah-inspired home, tor who possesses the requisite Torah-based knowledge and however, the husband and the wife, together, form a basis experience to guide them in this most crucial of life's under for the Shechina. takings. The goals of setting up a Bayis Ne' eman Be Yisroel- a home The Jewish Observer thus submitted several questions to that resonates with kedusha (sanctity) and would be com Rabbi Matisyahu Salomon ~' Mashgiach of Bais Medrash fortable hosting the Divine Presence - may, at first blush, seem Govoha in Lakewood NJ, formerly Mashgiach of the Yeshiva too daunting a task to entrust to a young man and woman in Gateshead, for his comment. who may (or may not yet) be barely out of their teens. Yet, The questions, with the Mashgiach's responses, follow: I. JO: What are the important points sonal leanings and preferences count. This specific type of "preparation" one should research before entering a If a young man or woman is reading for marriage should begin several shidduch? these lines in hope of finding definitive years in advance of involvement in (a) Which should take priority? Are guidance in terms of which character shidduchim. Ideally, the young bachur there any areas that can - or should - traits are more or less important, may and girl should have mentors who help wait until later? I suggest that at the threshold of seek them formulate his and her personal (b) Should finances be discussed ing a shidduch, this type of search is sev goals in middos and character devel before the couple meet, or can this wait eral years overdue. For this very reason, opment. After that, on the basis of until after initial meetings, when they are when presenting a shmuess to young one's personal roster of desirable traits progressing toward making a commit men of shidduch age, I do not offer (and those that should be avoided), ment? advice as to which middos one should one can project a profile of the type of Rabbi Salomon: (a) Of course, there look for. There is no point in imposing person one is looking for as an ideal are universal concerns that everyone my standards on someone else. It will mate. But one should not go shopping cares about: the prospective partner's not be helpful to them and, in the long with a list that does not reflect one's health, family, chinuch .... Beyond that, run, it can prove counter-productive: personal goals. The list must reflect a person should inquire about those Shmuel or Velvel will not find happiness one's own chinuch. aspects of the prospective shidduch that with a wife who meets my criteria, if he (b) While a prospective couple will are important to him or her. An objec does not share those same standards in generally decide to go through with a tive checklist is not about to follow; per- his personal life. shidduch after meeting with each other, 12 The Jewish Observer, Summer 2001 and feeling secure in their choice of Reb Elchonon in private correspondence: then they can meet - but not before." zivug, there are certain conditions in "I heard from the holy mouth of II.JO: How does a bachurwho would terms of background, level of obser the Chafetz Chaim.,.. ,,, that the com like to devote a number of years to learn vance, family, and future intentions that mon practice in shidduchim, to meet ing after the chasuna reconcile con are to be met. These objective issues - with each other before any prior dis flicting concerns of (a) meeting basic including financial obligations - should cussion, is improper. It '"'·ould be financial needs, (b) bitachon, (c) be clarified before the couple invests appropriate to postpone the person mentschlichkeit, (d) finding his true time and emotional involvement in a al meeting until all investigations and zivug? face-to-face meeting. expectations are concluded and all Rabbi Salomon: One must think real This prerequisite was conveyed orally negotiations between the two sides are istically in terms of minimun1 needs, by the Chafetz Chaim ., .. ,,, to Rabbi resolved. Then, after that, when every and stop there. To escalate one's finan Elchonon Wasserman "1"'11, as reported by thing is agreed upon in all its details, cial frame of reference to a "wish list," i"P:J ·_£····,····ts._.·..•.· .• _ ..••... ·.·. _a. ~ t."'· It pays to be earlv - when .,.,.41 vour future depends on it! Dor Yeshorim urges all participants actively Important! If individuals get tested at involved in the shidduchim process to test, call the last minute the cost will be greater. and check genetic compatibility as early as Tests done on an individual basis and under possible. Don't wait rush conditions are until you're about to substantially more announce your expensive and add engagement. aggravation at a most Checking numbers stressful! time. before an emotional attachment forms can • Unanticipated spare both families technical difficulties needless heartache can arise anytime. and disappointment. During the Yomim Tovim and legal holidays Because of our careful results could also take quality control, there several extra weeks to are instances where it be obtained, a delay may take more time certainly not wanted to deliver resu Its. We at such a pressure urge early testing filled time. while still in school and checking prior to the first date - at best - and Therefore - by getting tested in a timely certainly early enough before you've manner and calling to check made any emotional investment. numbers early in the shidduch Exchanging and checking your DOR process, you'll save yourself numbers is not a commitment. YESHORIM money, stress, and aggravation. (jet tuted MW: Do/1/'t putyour ju:ture,- a:t ruk! CAll (7181 384-6060 TODAY. YOU -AND YOUR CHllDREN -Will BE THANKFUl YOU DID. The Jewish Observer, Summer 2001 13 which become "expectations," and then are presented as "demands" is den1ean ing for all concerned. It also carries the risk of crossing the line into being "A • person who n1arries a woman for 111011- arriage is a partnership in which both etary reasons." 1 Ideally, money should not even enter the equation when Mmust continue to invest in a common choosing a spouse, but we live in venture, with dividends yet to come. bedi'eved, less-than-perfect circum stances. As a result, entering a marriage with the intention of devoting oneself to full-time Torah study requires a • degree of financial security, beyond typ ical kollel stipends, in keeping with "If quality of the individual, not on the size Rabbi Salomon: When such a meet there is no kemach (bread) there is no of the dowry. ing is feasible, it has many advantages Torah." l'his, of course, may also involve In sum, financial considerations - especially to help the principals the young man's engaging in some should encompass two elements: they resolve their doubts. When one or the tutoring, the wife's teaching, and so on, should be formulated on a basis of other member of the prospective shid to supplement the committed amounts mistapek bemu' at - a n1inimu1n standard duch gets last-minute cold feet, a note of support. With these and other of living - and be received with hako of encouragement from his or her par sources of support in place, the search ras hatov - a deep sense of gratitude to ents based on the pre-shidduch meeting should then focus exclusively on the whoever provides the support. can be crucially reassuring. ------"·------~------Ill. JO: Should parents of a prospec IV. JO: Is there a minimum number ! The Ge1nora (Kiddus/1i11 70a) and Shulchan Aruc/1 (Even Ezer 2:1) inforn1 us that children of tive shidduch meet before the young of times a couple should meet before such a 1narriage will be a source of deep disap couple does? they 1nake a comn1itinent? A 1naxin1um, pointinent to their parents. after which they should be ready to 1nake a decision without further 1neet ings? Rabbi Salomon: The couple should continue to meet each other until they feel reasonably confident in their choice, based on shared goals and appreciation of each other's company. It is ridiculous to hope to work out every detail of their I • Full Day, Half Day, Or Part Time Programs • Includes Intensive Umudei Koclesh projected relationship in advance, and I • Endarsed By Leading Gedolei Yisrael And Educators to expect to do so is an exercise in futil • Choice of Regular or Ushma Program ity. I • Dynamic Shiurim By Renowned Mechanchim V. JO: To what do you attribute the • Hundreds Of Successful, Maalot Graduates Worldwide rising rate of divorces in Chareidi cir I • A Warm Bais Yaakov Atmosphere· Seled Group Of Students cles? • Option of Eight Week Summer Program In YeruShalarim I • Tlie Exciting Altemative To A Full Year In Eret:z Y"isroe Rabbi Salomon: A key element in a Our Mechanchim Include: Rabbi Matis Blum, Rabbi Avraham Blumenkrantz, successful marriage is savlonus - for I Rabbi Yehuda Cahan, Rabbi Dov Eichenstein, Rabbi David Gibber, Rabbi Yoel Kramer, bearance. After all, a marriage brings Rabbi Nason David Rabinowich, Rabbi Mechel Spitzer, Rabbi Yisroel Dov Webster, together two unique individuals, from I Rebbetzin Yehudis Davidowitz, Rebbetzin Chaya Ginzberg, Rebbetzin Devora Kitevtt., different backgrounds, and of different Rebbetzin Naamo Lerman, Rebbetzin Rivka Orotz, Rebbetzin Esther Twersky, I Summer In Eretz Yisrael: Rabbi David Rolson • Dean, Rabbi David Kass -Director, genders - which, of course, expresses Rabbi Nosson Geisler, Robbi Leib Keleman, Rabbi Y. Monat,, Rabbi MeirTreibitz, itself in emotional and spiritual make Rebbetzin Tz· rah Heller, Rebbetzin Zehova Kass, Rebbetzin Rena Tarshish. up and needs, as well as in disparate edu cations and different roles in the life of each. A successful marriage is thus a learning process. This is viable when the members view themselves as partners in RABii SHOLOM G. GINZBERG, DEAN an undertaking, with each yielding to the 931 Coney Island Avenue Brooklyn, NY 11230 I-- For More Information Phone Or Fax:f718\377.0222 I other partner more often than not. 14 ------•m£---- The Jewish Observer, Summer 200 I Should a person enter marriage with the ing an elusive rainbow. Then, 'vhen the A young man cannot be imbued single goal of self-gratification, with an promises do not materialize, the dis with this outlook in a single chassan agenda of "I'm in this for me," it is appointed 1narriage partner assumes shmuess or even in a five-session doomed to failure. that there's something better out there, vaad (series of talks). It calls for long This focus on self-gratification - something (or someone) to which he term preparation in fashioning one physical pleasure and emotional ful or she is entitled. So why continue to self - in Rabbi Dessler's reference - fillment - is often the product of over make do with less than that to which into a "giver" rather than a "taker." simplified lectures or literature avail one is entitled? Then one emerges as a person pre able on hovv to create a successful Again: Marriage is a partnership in pared to found a Bayis Ne'eman be marriage, which promise a life of mar which both n1ust continue to invest in Yisroel. To do otherwise is to risk ital bliss, if you just adhere to the guide a common venture, with dividends yet being either a chassid shoteh or a naval lines that follow .... This leads to chas- to come. bireshus haTorah. • In 9 Out of 10 Calls ... If a boy or girl tests with Dor Yeshorim in tested before a shidduch proceeds to the high school, Beis Medrash or seminary, point where an emotional bond has compatibility results for the tested developed. In some rare instances test catastrophic diseases results can be will almost always inconclusive and call be given as quickly for more time to as the computer data re-test. To ensure base can be accessed. ... Results that the results are 100% accurate, Dor However, when Yeshorim implements one of the parties are Obtained painstaking quality waits until the assurance procedures last minute to and analysis so that take the Dor no match risks Yeshori m test, in less than irreparable harm. needless frustration This takes time, and unnecessary so why wait? apprehension 5 Minutes! may result. Your future, your prospective Avoid unnecessary heartache. It spouse's, and your children's, makes sound emotional sense to get begins right now! DOR YESHORIM (je± tuted IWW: Dol1Jt putyour jature,, a:t ruk! CAll 17181 384-6060 TODAY. YOU -AND YOUR CHllDREN - Will BE THANKFUl YOU DID. ------The Jewish Observer, Summer 2001 15 THE SHIDDUCH PROCESS Rabbi Yitzchok Berkowitz Now You Say It, ~ t~ Z>°"t o here you have it-the paramedic's tion does not neces invitations (which for guide to neurosurgery. Yes, that is sarily reflect on the better or for worse has Sprecisely what a concise sum1nary appropriateness of become a fact of life), of Hilchos Lashon Hara regarding shid the shidduch. One using the number duchim is like. In deciding when to speak does not suggest a twenty-nine for a thir up, what information to disclose, pre shidduch to a family ty-two-year-old will cise choice of words, and even tone of that is known to be probably be under voice, one may very well be affecting the especially particular stood quite accurately lives of individuals and families for years about yichus, with in inany circles-much to come. The most subtle nuance - even holding the fact that as, in those very circles, unintended - could seal one's fate for a the prospective's thirty-two could easily lifetime. No article - nor even an entire grandfather was a be taken to mean thir sefer, for that matter - could possibly well-known apikores. ty-six. (This would take the place of consultation with a Instead, after explain obviously not apply competent, sensitive, experienced rav. ing the situation, one when it can be The purpose of this article is merely to could proceed to Guidelines For Revealing assumed that the infor call attention to several basic guidelines point out that some Information In Shidduchim mation will be taken at that must not be overlooked by anyone of Kial YisroeI's most face value.) Because of involved in a shidduch in any capacity. prominent families have favored charac the temptation to be extremely liberal in And to alert the reader when to consult ter over genealogy .... Rather than trun applying this rule, one cannot help but a Rav, and on which issues. cate a decade or two off the prospective insist on having a rav decide the matter. partner's age, one could atte1npt to show On the other hand, where information is I. Suggestions and Advice: Eitza Hogennes that the person in question is exception taken at face value, one should be precise al and worth meeting despite the age dif in these details. he first principle to keep in mind ference. (Needless to say, one should not A serious issue in halacha is that of with regard to shidduchim is the suggest a shidduch that he does not defining whom the relevant parties Tcommandment" Lifaei iv er lo sitten believe is a good idea for either of the really are. Is it right to suggest a shid michshol- notto cause the blind to stum involved parties.) duch where the prospective chassan and ble"; or as Ghazal interpret it - don't give So what does one do when he feels that kalla are within the parameters of one bad advice ( eitzashe'eina hogennes). For the a bachur has "unrealistic expectations,'1 is another's standards of acceptability, shadchan or advisor, that means neither "living in a fantasy world,'' and "isn't get but outside those of their families? On suggesting nor promoting a shidduch that ting any younger"? The proper approach the one hand, it is the couple and not one does not believe the party he is speak i'l one of reason- not manipulation. Occa the families that is contemplating mar ing to would be interested in, were they sionally, a poseik (authority in halacha) riage, and indeed halacha does not leave inade aware of all pertinent inforn1ation. may allow for information to be withheld the final word with the parents. Never In the case of a parent or the prospective temporarily when there are grounds for theless, one must consider why he has chassan or kalla, it would be wrong to assuming that the person is subconsciously chosen to assist the couple at the request that a shidduch be arranged with waiting to be tricked into meeting some expense of the parents' wishes. Fur a party who-ifproperly in!Onned - would one, rather than admit to having made an thermore, there are those who 1naintain not choose to be involved. issue of something trivial. that although children are not bound by According to the Chafetz Chaim, this Additionally, the common practice of the preferences of their parents with is true even when the information in ques the inaccurate reporting of age is not con regard to shidduchim, they do not have Rabbi Berkowitz serves as Menahel Ruchani in sidered dishonest in a society or situation the right to do anything that could Yeshivat Aish HaTorah in Jerusalen1, and co where one is expected to do so. Not unlike embarrass their parents. In such cases, authored Chofetz Chai1n: A Lesson A Day. This "Jewish Standard Time" on wedding you must consult your local poseik. is his first appearance in these pages. 16 The Jewish Observer, Summer 2001 2. Information: What to Reveal Similarly, a visit to a shadchan does not in the category of facts to be revealed are call for revealing information that could physical, psychological, and psychiatric nlike the shadchan or advisor, interfere with one's prospects. The conditions that could interfere with the who would be violating lifnei ha/achos that apply here are those of not person's ability to function properly as U iver by promoting a shidduch causing harm to another- which would a spouse or parent, as well as any seri while concealing information about require the revealing of only issues that ous condition in the family that is hered one party that the other would have could pose a serious threat to the itary. Such information, however, need found objectionable, the person to future of the couple should they marry; not be revealed at an initial meeting; one whom a shidduch was suggested is not and midvar shekker tirchak- even when does have the right to wait and see if the considered offering advice, and would information can be withheld, one may prospect is worth considering serious therefore not have to volunteer facts that not lie outright about anything that ly before making oneself vulnerable. may be of concern to the other side. could in any way be relevant. Included What is absolutely prohibited is to con- t."11; Whv is Dor Yeshorim -.•"'t1 so careful when giving results? Dor Yeshorim treats all test results with utmost care so that we can update your records. Incorrect and consideration, making sure to call only the phone numbers in our files can delay the reponse phone number verified at the time of testing. We from Dor Yeshorim. will never divulge tests results to a third party- such • All of this is done to protect your privacy. as a shadchan or rela- Overseeing highly tive. Dor Yeshorim complex (DNA) tests, requires that both which go to leading sides contact its To protect genetic laboratories, office for results, in Dor Yeshorim abides order to ensure that by the highest no error occurred medical standards. when the numbers vour Not all labs test for were exchanged. all diseases or exercise • Also, when test the caliber of quality results are inconclu control that this pro sive and the couple confidentialitv! gram demands. Dor must retest, or if the Yeshorim's diligence match is found to be genetically incompatible, only in choosing its labs carefully may cost us more the parties involved need to be notified, not a shad money and be more time consuming, but we will chan or third party. not take chances with your family's health. • 1b assure conect identification, Dor Yeshorim's Our sole concern continues to be look- program requires it to keeps records of every partici- ing out for a healthy Jewish future, by pant's exact date and month (not year) of guaranteeing accurate and birth, as well as phone number. D OR confidential test results. And • If your phone number changes, making sure that the proper please call our office as soon as possible YESH O RIM parties receive them. (jet tuted IWU/. DofV't p-ui'J_ ourjutur~ a± ruk.! CALL (7181 384-6060 TODAY. YOU -AND YOUR CHILDREN - Will BE THANKFUL YOU DID. The Jewish Observer, Summer 200 I 17 ceal a serious condition until the point • A girl on rnedication for 1nanic depres undo harm. If the father of a girl who where the other person is en1otionally sion nzust infonn the bachur she is 1r1eeting is nleeting a severely problen1atic bachur involved and will find it difficult to make before things get too serious. If she confides is kn0\'\711 to be indiscreet and could be an objective decision. (It n1ay be a strate in a close friend that 011 the advice of a par expected to nlake the information pub gic mistake to withhold even less-crit ent she has decided not to tell, the friend lic, he may not be told about the ical inforn1ation as the couple consid should try to convince her that such an bachw's problems. This rule holds true ers cngage1nent, considering the fact that approach is wrong- or n1ore correctly, should even if there see1n to be no alternative the other party could one day feel direct her to a rav. If it becon1es apparent 1neans for preventing a potentially deceived.) An individual or family that that the girl is adarnant on not telling, the unhealthy marriage. is avvare of a condition that 1nay have to friend would be required to do so. A sensi be revealed should be encouraged to dis tive, con1petent rav rnust be sought out for 3. Finding Out: Who Asks Whom and How cuss the subject \Vith a rav before enter guidance on just hoH1 to go about that. ing the era of shidduchim. • A bachur has a history oflosing his tern his brings us to the 1nost con1- An acquaintance who is aware of a perlvith chavrusos and roo1nnu1tes, and does plicated aspect of shidduchirn in condition that must be revealed has the on occasion get violent: His friends should Thalacha: How do you find out responsibility to see to it that the infor- have been in touch with the mashgiach who about someone? If all but drastic con 1nation will be con1n1unicated at the - in turn - vvould have had to see to it that ditions can be concealed by everyone proper ti1ne, and if it seems that no one this bachur get the appropriate help in deal involved, how does one obtain the nec \'\Till comn1unicate it, he (or she) n1ust ing ivith his ten1per. !fthe bachur has entered essary infor1nation in detern1ining do so himself. This responsibility is shidduchitn sho·wing no signs of rnajor whether or not the shidduch is worth included in the prohibition" Lo saamod change, the friends rnust seek the advice of a one's while in the first place - and how al dam rei'echa- Do not stand by as your rav to detern1ine who should tell, and precisely does one protect hin1self, his children, brother's blood is being spilled." Con hoiv to describe his personality. and his students fro1n n1arrying the ditions of this type - whether those that • A young 1vo1nan has 1nentioned to wrong person? cast doubt on one's abilities as a spouse, friends on countless occasions that she is just Indeed, zivuggim (pairing people in or hereditary illnesses - are to be petrified of the thought ofgetting 1narried, marriage) are fron1 I-leaven. Often, the reported even if the other side has made as she never learned to cook. Not oniy ivould oddest co1nbinations have 1nade for no effort to find out. Other issues need 11either she nor hcrfrie11ds have to 111entio11 beautiful nlarriages. C_)ur own asscss- not be brought up, even when anything about the situation to so1neone size 111ents of \Vho is for whon1 are far fron1 approached as a reference, as there are is 111ceting, 1vhen questioned explicitly definitive. Nevertheless, a competent no objective grounds for assu1ning they about her culinary abilities a friend can sin1- n1echanech or parent should have a rel should be reasons for concern. When ply say, "I don't knoiv." atively good idea of what his child or asked directly concerning so1ne other In all situations where potentially talrnid is like, what he needs in a issue, one nlust not be dishonest - but dan1aging information is to be revealed, spouse, and certainly what kind of one could choose to be evasive. one must be careful not to cause any spouse could be problematic if not out right destructive. When such a person asks pointed questions, it is understood that these are not mere nlatters of pref erence - rather, substantive issues of concern deserving of an accurate with nalitil Piocllos Jung ~.;;,~'II response. THE 6 TAPES IN THE SERIES INCLUDE: As said, questions must be pointed; "Tefilah As A Lifestyle - Grasping The Concept" general questions are an invitation for "Achieving Personal Growth Thrc;iugh Tefilah" miscommunication. One man's tabnid "l\llotivating The Young JnTefilah" chacha111 is another's an1 ha'aretz. The "Shabbos Davening ·Making It A Meaningful Experience" forty-year-old mother of seven has total "Th~ l,Jnexplored Opportunity- Perspnalized Tefilos" ly different standards for what it means "J\ri evening of Inspiration • Kedu~hiits Sais Haknesses" to be organized than does the newlywed. Introductory Rate $25+$4 shipping=$29I And what precisely do you mean when I you ask if someone is "good," "neat," or Send.Paymer:itto: "Agud;;iJhlsrae1-~wareness Project" "friendly"? These are all unquantifiable P.O.B. 7S;l, Monsey, NY l0952 tern1s for which we are without co1nn1on B45-426'J999 • Faxa-45-426-.1 .. 998 vocabulary. "Is he on tirne for seder?" < .·::·. Pre~_~y 'AWARE_N~'iS_'J'CHOVEVEV ,T~fit.AH' _With HAKH~_L_.1ft·Mudath ls_raeJ<.\{~ushas Bais __~,~_kne$$es Com_~ "Does he bother making his bed in the '"t l!lt:l'T''lll 'M't:ln'T!!'llW1i11:1 'lllll1M ., n"l!iM l"l#7 -·------·~----- 18 The Jewish Observer, Summer 200 I >"'D:J Protect vour Familv For more than 15 successful years, Remember. A 'canter' is 100°!0 healthy Dor Yeshorim has conducted over Ir 0 m and will always remain so. However, if 130,000 genetic blood tests and both the mother and father are caniers of spared over 600 families the same 'defective' gene, each the harrowing agony of t •1 I pregnancy has a 1 in 4 chance losing young children to that the baby will be born with devastating genetically car- I e OD g that 'canied' disease. It is unnec- ried diseases such as Tay essary to describe the horror =~~h:;he~~stic Fibrosis, ~~:i;:~:a~~~~:~ sDiie r1· ng al death of such a baby. A The vital Dor Yeshorim simple, timely blood test program, formed to through Dor Yeshorim can protect you and your d prevent this situtation, «·v:i. family, continues to urge all parents and children of marriageable age (in an • Please note: lndMduals who are_ already the last year of high school, Beis engaged, married, or aware of their earner simple~a~i:~:~~~~f:~~ blood test Heartache'[;;~Yeshorim program. program. The results • will be stored in our • If your school or secure computer database to be accessed only neighborhood offers the Dor Yeshorim test in a timely for the purpose of retrieving compatability results. manner, take advantage of this program now! This is your best choice. Based on 1he dictates of Gedolei HaRabbonim and many noted medical geneticists, the results of • If you've graduated high school or seminary, Dor Yeshorim's premarital testing program are kept and have not yet tested, do so immediately at absolutely confidential - including the person tested. a local Dor Yeshorim approved laboratory. Identification numbers, rather than names, are entered • To arrange and encourage your school to join into the computer- along with day and month of birth and the many other institutions which take part in the gender for exact verification. To ensure Dor Yeshorim premarital screening that each potential shidduch is free of program... To locate the nearest Dor Yeshorim approved testing site... the risk of specific genetic diseases, To request additional information on Dor Yeshorim relies on painstaking, DOR Dor Yeshorim's quest to eradicate and often, time-consuming quality YESHORIM fatal Jewish genetic disease from our assurance procedures and analysis. community... call our office today. Tut wiJit, Dor Yulwriuv tU1d * ~ jew-U/v3ertetU/ dUuuu a,, tliinj of~ past ~"ml morning?" These questions leave little The obvious next choice would be names by way of pointed questions room for error. Even "Does she have close friends of the person in question. In light asked of the appropriate references. If friends(' - when asked of someone of issues raised with regard to relying parents don't feel they can play that role, mature- is a valid way of inquiring about exclusively on mechanchim alone, it they should enlist the help of those who one's openness to relationships. would stand to reason that a roommate can. Singles on their own must find a "Whom to ask is an issue of its own. or close friend would be an invaluable rebbe figure to do the research for them, Ideally, what could be better than asking resource in obtaining pertinent infor and concerned, capable people would be a niechanech or mechaneches? In reality, mation. Many gedolei Yisroel, however, doing a great chessed by offering their many a rebbe or rosh yeshiva defines his have voiced serious concerns over the services to those who do not have fam role as that of giving a derech in learn practice of asking bachurim about one ily looking out for them. ing Gemora and may not find the time another. Not every twenty-one year old In gathering information about a to gain an understanding of all his bachurpossesses the necessary judgment family, one resorts to networking- seek talmidim (especially ifhe has many). Even to interpret the behavior of his con ing out among one's own acquaintanc a mashgiach may be familiar with only temporaries accurately and objectively. es someone familiar with an acquain the more positive side of a talmid; after Such a reference must himself be tance of the family. A neighbor is not all, the talmid probably does not conduct checked out for maturity, accuracy of required by halacha to be open with a himself in the presence of the mashgiach perception and integrity, and could only total stranger about any issue involving the way he behaves in his dorm room. then be approached. As previously dis the family-with the exceptions of seri And then there is the tendency among cussed, it would have to be made clear ous hereditary diseases and actual ques rebbe'im and teachers to be protective of to the reference that the questions are tions of p'sul (halachic ineligibility for their students to the point where they coming from one who understands the marriage. That would not be the case would not consider saying anything issues crucial to the shidduch, and as when questioned by a responsible that could possibly "ruin a shidduch." If such are worthy of an honest response. acquaintance attempting to clarify spe a mechanech is to be consulted, it should One could logically conclude that cific concerns relevant to the particular preferably be by a peer, colleague, or other every eligible young man and woman shidduch, where one should be forth acquaintance to whom he feels some level should have a responsible, well-con right.) One should, if possible, try to of responsibility. nected person to research suggested establish the person's credentials. On the ,,_ pleased to announce the opening '-r-' i1~'11i11 n::l~' _we areh B . 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It is also necessary to first estab structive criticism, it must be done tact very much a mystery; can anyone real lish that a neighbor to be consulted as fully, to ensure that it will indeed be con ly know what kind of spouse and par a reference is not on bad terms with the structive, and not angrily brushed off as ent he will turn out to be - let alone this people one is inquiring about. (Similarly, the subjective - and perhaps warped - stranger with whom he is about to build when inquiring about a divorcee, one perception of the other party. a home? The feeling of vulnerability and would not contact the forn1er spouse or And finally, following an unsuccess helplessness is countered only by bita his friends and relatives, unless a poseik ful shidduch attempt, all involved must chon - trust that ultimately Hashem is has ruled that the specific situation allows be careful not to allow their frustrations looking out for us. Going about things for it.) If you are the "total stranger" con to be expressed in the form of accusa in accordance with His will is a first step tacting the neighbor, you would be well tions and labeling. Not every shidduch in enlisting that siyata diShrnaya. • advised to have a respected intermedi ary introduce you or inake the inquiries on your behalf. 4. Reporting Back: Avoiding Lashon Hara and Rechilus nost sensitive area in shidduchirn egarding lashon hara is the ebriefing by the shadchan of the young man or woman following a meet - ing. When unsure of how to proceed when in need of advice, the prospective You can use your phone partner should discuss the issue with the to bring the brocho of person he feels is in the best position to Shmiras Haloshon into your life help clarify matters for him - whether that is the shadchan or someone else. Having by learning Shmiras Haloshon made a decision not to continue with the Yomi everyday over your phone. shidduch, one owes an explanation to no one but Hashem and himself. The shad chan can attempt to convince the party that he may be mistaken and that it may be in his best interest to share his concerns with the shadchan, but unless he feels that is the case) one does not owe it to the shad chan to explain his decision. Furthermore, if it is clear to the per son that his decision is final, he should not tell the shadchan anything negative about the other party without clarify Uslenlng OplionS: ing with a rav that it is important to do Seier Choletz Chaim (Eng) so. The shadchan himself must be Seier Choletz Chaim (Y"ul) New material extremely cautious in what he com Seier Sluniras Haloshon (Eng) changes daily! municates to the other party. Any neg- KARKA IN ERETZ YISKOEL 713 345 Call Rabbi Gavriel Beer for information < > 258-2008 < > 356-6665 on obtaining cemetery plots in Beth PIN#: 1234 # PIN#: 3103# Shemesh and other locations in Israel. 0, THE CHOFETZ CHAIM HERITAGE FOUNDATION 0 I l -972-2-656-9427 ~ 6 Melnick Drive • Monsey, NY 10952 (845) 352-3505 The Jewish Observer, Summer 200 I 21 THE S HIDDUCH PROCESS Judith Mishell, Ph.D. When Someon • n Your Dands1 ' ~· ,... ~ .. ir he Stern family was searching for out that life gets a lot more stressful after fears and inadequate information. Let a shidduch for their daughter marriage, and they wanted to be sure me tell you about the "hit or miss" TMalkie, and Moshe seemed a very that her husband would be able to process that is common today. suitable prospect. The young couple met take care of her and, b'ezras Hash em, We'll use the fictional situation above twice, and it seemed to be a promising a fa mily. as an example. The Sterns talked to the shidduch. shadchan about their concerns about After their third meeting, Malkie was A "HIT OR MISS" PROCESS Moshe's problem with anxiety. The much more subdued. She learned that shadchan talked to Moshe and his par Moshe had gone through a period he Sterns are 100% correct in ents and they agreed to allow the Sterns when he got very anxious - so anxious being concerned about Malkie's to get information on his condition that he had trouble sitting still and con Tfuture and wanting more infor from the therapist. The Sterns were not centrating on his learning. mation before they let the sl1idduch pro too confident in their ability to process He had gone to his family doctor and ceed. Most of us would want to find out the information, so they asked their fam was presc ribed some medicine for anx more about the implications of the fac t ily physician to serve as their shaliach iety that really helped him. He didn't that the young man had trouble func (designated agent), and both called the want to keep taking the medicine, so the tioning and had been treated for anxi therapist for information about Moshe. doctor had referred him to a psycholo ety. The questions are: 1) What infor In response, the therapist gave the gist. He had learned a lot from the psy mation do we need? 2) How do we go callers relevant information2 about chologist about how to deal with anx about getting the info rmation? 3) How Moshe. Up to this point everything pro iety, and now, even without the do we assess the information once we ceeded smoothly. medicine, he was much calmer and able have it? Within a few days, however, anoth to concentrate. I am addressing this issue as an er shaliach - this time a mental health Malkie was quite sure that there was Orthodox clinical psychologist who professional - called. It seems that the no problem, but her parents were quite serves the Orthodox Jewish communi Sterns, or whoever was advising them, worried. They didn't want Malkie to get ty. I have been professionally involved either didn't trust the therapist, didn't into a difficult marriage. They wanted in many cases like the one described feel the shaliach asked the right ques to know what the chances were that above. Over the years I have become tions, or didn't think the shaliach was Moshe's anxiety would return. They told increasingly concerned about the stig qualified to evaluate the information. In Malkie that before the shidduc'1 would ma surrounding mental health problems some cases, I myself have been called by continue, they were going to do some and the "hit or miss" process for getting as many as five people, including fam checking. the necessary information about a ily members, rabbis, mental health pro Malkie was very disappointed. Her prospective shidduch who has been in fessionals and physicians. The family parents sympathized but they pointed therapy and/or on psychotropic med may want to say, "Enough is enough. ication. Unfortunately, I have seen fine, Dr. Mishell is on the faculty of the Morcshet Insti 2 The information given should conform to the tute at Neve Ycrushalayim and maintains a pri vibrant young people, baalei middos, halachic guidelines in Sefer Chofetz Chaim. See vate practice in Yerushalayim. who have been deeply hurt by beingpas also the Companion Study Guide to the video, JThis title is used with the kind permission of suled (disqualified) because of irrational When Someone's L(fe is in Your Hands, published the Chofetz Chaim Heritage Foundation. by The Chofetz Chaim Heritage Foundation. ------22 The Jewish Observer, Summer 2001 Evaluate the information you have and The Stigma Problem young people not to take medication make a decision." 1'hey are afraid, ho\v and/or be in therapy because it will inter ever, that it will seem as though they are bviously, everyone involved in fere with getting a "good shidduch." trying to hide something, so they per this process \vas trying to do a 2. People in therapy and/or on med mit the process to go on and on. O mitzva and help the person ication often feel deeply ashamed of If the psychotherapist is not the one find a good shidduch. Nevertheless, there their need for help. vvho prescribes the medication, the are problems raised by the stigma 3. People may terminate therapy pre shlichim will often want to speak to the attached to mental health treatment and maturely to avoid having to say that they consulting physician or psychiatrist. In this intrusive process of information col are in therapy. one of my cases, after speaking both to lecting, such as: 4. Many people who would benefit me and the prescribing psychiatrist, the I. Family members and other inter from therapy and/or medication do not shlichim still did not feel satisfied with ested parties who are not qualified to make seek help for fear of not getting married. the information they had collected. recon1mendations often strongly advise 5. People sometimes hide the fact that Therefore they advised the prospective shidduch to copy the client's psychiatric records so they could see them. Even though the family was concerned that they might be perceived as trying to hide something, they felt they had to draw a line. After seeking counsel with their rabbi, they allowed the prospective shidduch to go to the psychiatrist's office and read the record - but they did not allow it to be copied. At this point the psychiatrist and I felt that the situation had gotten out of The Jewish Observer, Summer 2001 23 they are, or have been, in therapy, and that they are using, or have used psy HISTORICAL chotropic n1edication. 6. As a result of the above, problems that could have been resolved show up PERSPECTIVE later and cause much suffering and unhappiness. Why has this situation arisen lithium, bringing more relief for 7. The unresolved problems affect the now? My answer is from a those suffering from major next generation. historical, not hashkafa, depression and bipolar disorder. 8. People sometimes do not seek help perspective. Mankind has long Because there were always side for family problems for fear that a record used chemical agents for the effects, some of them very serious, of parental problems will interfere with relief or cure of mental an intensive search was undertak shidduchim for their children. suffering and stress. for en for medications that would be It seems obvious from the list of centuries, people have used effective without being so toxic. problems above that the potential harm alcohol, caffeine, nicotine and Boruch Hashem, in the 1980's a of this slipshod information gathering herbs to affect their moods and new class of medications called process can far outweigh the good. I feelings. Noach planted a vine selective serotonin reuptake have spoken to Rabbanim who are very yard and became intoxicated inhibitors (SSRls) was discovered, involved with shidduchim and with after leaving the ark and seeing e.g., Prozac, which is very effective other mental health professionals who the vast destruction.' in reducing emotional suffering work with frum clients, and all told me Modern psychopharmacology and causes far fewer side effects. of similar situations. Therefore, I think has greatly refined the use of Today we can get "designer" that this is an issue which needs to be chemical agents to reduce drugs targeted to overcome stage addressed by the Orthodox Jewish com emotional suffering. The fright, to help us get through a munity. We need a process for helping prototypes of modern psychophar tough period, or to make us more people get the information required to macology were discovered outgoing if we're shy. The search 1nake inforn1ed) rational decisions between 1952 and 1958.' for more precise, less toxic drugs about prospective shidduchim who Experimentation to find a safer continues and we will probably either are, or have been, in psychother anesthetic and to prevent surgical have new, improved medications apy, and/or are using, or have used, psy shock showed that chlorpromazine appearing all the time. chophannacological treatment. had sedative effects and lessened There have also been signifi It is important to understand that pre-operative anxiety. The research cant developments in the field of one of the effects of the recent advances program was extended to include psychotherapy in the past few in psychopharmacology and psy psychiatric patients suffering from decades. For example, certain chotherapy, as described in the sidebar, schizophrenia, manic-depressive conditions that used to be is that medication and therapy are now psychoses, depression, severe neu considered chronic can now be prescribed for far less serious disorders roses, and _addictions. Impressive alleviated by cognitive/behavioral than in the past. Therefore, some peo results were found in almost 60% therapy (CBT). CBT .has been ple who in the past might have turned of the cases. found to be very effective in exclusively to tefilla, Tehillim, mussar, or With the introduction of helping people overcome depres a sh1nuess with their Rav, now turn to psychotropic drugs, the character sion, anxiety and panic. Follow professionals for additional help. I'm a of psychiatric hospitals and of psy up studies have shown that 85% firm believer in the ultimate power of the chiatric care underwent a radical of people treated for panic disor Torah-based methods mentioned above change. There was a tremendous der by CBT remain panic-free swing toward biologically-orient years after treatment.' • and I think that any therapy that leaves 3 ed psychiatry. As a result of this, out the spiritual co1nponent is deficient. 1 Bereishis 9,20-21 Nevertheless, frum many patients previously needing 2 there are many peo Spiegel, Rene. Psychophannacology: An Intro ple4 today who, for one reason or institutionalization were duction. 3rd Edition. John Wiley & Sons: Chich discharged and there was a ester, 1996. 3 See Mishell, J. & Srebrenik, S. (1991) Beyond 3 marked reduction in the average Sanderson, W.C. & VVetzler, S. (1995). Cogni~ Your Ego: A Torah Approach to Self-Knowledge, En1otional Health, and Inner Peace. CIS Pub stay in psychiatric hospitals. tive Behavioral Treatn1ent ofPanic Disorder. In Asnis, G.M. &van Praag, HJvf. (Ed.). Panic Dis lishers: New York, London, Jerusalem. Research was done with other order: Clinica~ Biological, & Treatment Aspects 4 There are cultural differences in the pattern drugs, such as imipramine and NY: John Wiley & Sons, Inc. (pp. 314-335). of utilization of mental health services by frum Jews, with An1ericans 1nost likely to seek pro fessional help. 24 The Jewish Observer, Summer 200 I another, feel that they need therapy ficulties with a sympathetic listener and other party will pose the very same ques and/or medication in addition to (chas get objective feedback? Are we really tion to himself or herself: v'shalom in place of) these time-honored going to pasul people just because they methods. get help from professionals? Does a person have an obligation to disclose ft is beyond the scope of this article So, how can concerned parents get their own mental health problems? to discuss whether or not medication the information they need in order to and therapy are over-prescribed-and decide whether a problem is minor or f one is currently being treated for utilized. The fact that is germane to our major? VVhat questions should they ask? mental health problems with psy subject is that more and more frum Yid How should they go about asking? And I chotherapy and/or psychopharma den go to physicians and mental health how should they evaluate the informa cology, one might be obligated to disclose professionals to seek relief, not only from tion once they have it? this information, either personally or via serious problems but from everyday First, however, let us ask ourselves the a second party. When and how to disclose problems-in-living such as anxiety, ten following question, in hope that the this information depends on many fac- sion, rninor depression, relationship dij~ ficulties, and parnassa problems. And, more and more of these people are suc cessfully treated with psychotropic drugs and therapy. The point I wish to emphasize here is that there is no reason to pasul someone for a shidduch just because they have received mental health treatment, either in the form of psychotherapy or med ication. Being in therapy or taking med ication is not necessarily an indication that a person is dysfunctional in any way. Nowhere can loshon hora wreak more havoc that in shidduchim. When you give In fact, many people who have undergone information for a shidduch, you are taking someone's fife in your hands. psychotherapy have learned skills that Now there are three ways to familiarize yourself with the halachos you need to make them better prepared than average guide you through this complex issue. to cope with stress, communicate effec tively, and take responsibility for their Call today for your free brochure, lives. They are to be admired, not con demned, for trying to improve their lives available by mail or e-mail. and the lives of their families. The Companion Sn1dy Guide to "When Someone ·s Life Is In Your Hands" is an indispensable halachic guide to getting and WHAT rs A MAJOR PROBLEM AND giving infonnation for a shidduch, by Rabbi Moshe Mordechai WHAT IS A MINOR PROBLEM? Lo•Y· here are, of course, conditions that Call to Order the audio tape today. are more debilitating and more The audio tape of "When Someone's Life Is In Your Hands" chronic than the everyday "prob T feahires Rabbi Yitzchok Berko•itz, Rabbi 00\id Goldmc ------~·-·------The Jewish Observer, Summer 2001 25 tors, such as the severity of the disorder, mation may need to be disclosed earli What questions how it affects functioning, and how like er. If the condition is so severe that it will should parents ask? ly it is to cause difficulties in the marital almost certainly interfere with normal relationship. Because of the number and functioning and/or will cause relation arents, or those advising them, complexity of the factors, it is impossi ship difficulties, the disclosure should be should ask for the diagnosis and ble to give specific rules as to when and 1nade in advance of the initial n1eeting. Pthe severity of the disorder, dura how to disclose. Each case needs to be However, if the condition is being effec tion of the problem, type and dosage of assessed on an individual basis by con1- tively managed by medication, the dis medications used, response to psy petent rabbanim and mental health pro closure need not be 1nade in advance but chotherapy, prognosis, genetic factors, fessionals. (For further information on it should be made before the parties are implications for fetal development, this matter see the article by Rabbi Yitz emotionally involved. advisability of nursing, effect on func chok Berkowitz preceeding this article.) 3) Withholding information about tioning and relationships, and motiva The following general guidelines current mental health problems may tion of client. All of these factors have were suggested by Rabbi Aryeh Beer (of undermine the marital relationship by: to be weighed carefully in order to assess Lakewood NJ). a) creating trust problems, the suitability of the person as a I) For relatively minor disorders, e.g., b) fostering regret, resentment, and prospective shidduch. mild anxiety and/or depression, the disappointment, information should be personally dis c) putting a person in a situation with How can they get the closed at the point that the relationship which he or she is unable to cope. information they need? is getting serious. The disclosure should 4) Personal self-disclosure is preferable occur before either party is completely whenever possible, because it eliminates t the present time, the !">est strat emotionally involved. issues of lashon hara and confidentiality, egy is to ask a Gadol for guidance 2) For more serious disorders, e.g., should the source reveal more than is A and have a qualified shaliach clinical depression, severe anxiety dis called for. If a person is unable or uncom gather information from involved men orders, cyclical mood disorder, and bor fortable to personally reveal the infor tal health professionals and other peo derline personality disorder, the infor- mation, however, a shaliach can be used. ple who know the person well, e.g., a When it comes to mortgages for overseas investors, only the Bank of Jerusalem MORFOR~· mortgage features all of the following: I Mortgage specialists whose native language is English; I Peerless expertise in Israeli mortgage law; I Asterling reputation in real estate financing for over thirty-five years; I Aspecial personal service branch in the heart of Jerusalem's hotel district; I Custom-tailored loans v;.'ith no additional collateral or guarantors; I Flexible payment tenns and no prepayment penalties. 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May bayis ne'eman b'Yisroel. • the information they gather? he information should be assessed by the shaliach with the Thelp of experts, if necessary, and discussed with the Gadol. Recommen For careful attention to your dations should then be made to the individual needs, call us today! parents as to the suitability of the prospective shidduch, whether more ( 845) 354-8445 inforn1ation is needed, and whether a waiting period is needed in order to evaluate the efficacy of treatment before Are you an 18-19 year-old graduate whose family has moved to Eretz Yisroel? making a final decision. Once a decision Are you interested in learning a marketable skill, in English, is made, it should be communicated clearly and sensitively to the prospective together with wonderful girls from there and from abroad? shidduch and his or her family. Discus sions of the information should be lim ited to those who are qualified to evalu ate the data. 1 INIM SEMINARY RECOMMENDATIONS , ' tombiqiqg 1Wf. 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A school is not a advocate the Chassidishe dating model young woman get of the young man ome. A summer camp is not a over the classic yeshiva dating model. I when he comes to pick up their daugh school. A playgroup is not a classroom. understand that "one size fits all" is ter for the date, the parents have almost Each institution has things that it can do unrealistic. Coming from a Chassidishe no opportunity to make any assessment very well and others not so well and often family, my children all followed the age of their own until the shidduch appears not at all. Dating in the Torah world is old Chassidic tradition. I do believe that to reach the serious stage. an institution for bringing young 1nen when parents properly fulfill their The prospective couple carries an and women together so that they can responsibilities that this method works enormous burden. They have to decide make the all-important decision about very well indeed. Admittedly, divorces whether they are for each other. Since whether they are compatible with each occur from Chassidishe shidduchim, the dating process cannot go on for any other. Thousands of youngsters enter the but they don't appear to exceed the great length of time, their task is even doors of this institution every year but divorce rate from the yeshiva dating more daunting. In a period of five or six rarely with any insight as to the limita model and may well be less. However, (seven or eight or whatever number) tions that inhere in it. my point here is that the responsibili dates, they must establish not only At the outset I should indicate that ties of the parents and the young man whether their personalities mesh but within the Torah world, the method for and woman are very clearly defined in also whether they share common goals bringing shidduchim to fruition is not the Chassidic shidduchim model and the in life. There is nothing easy going about monolithic. Within the Chassidic com expectations about what they can get this process. They are dating not chas munity the responsibility for making the from such lin1ited interaction with veshalom to have a good time. But rather choice of mates lay primarily on the par each other is circumscribed. to make a decision of monumental ents' shoulders. They do all the screen importance. In a jocular mood I once ing, and in the vast n1ajority of The Non-Chassidic Approach observed that the probing that goes on instances, when the young man and is not unlike the cross-exan1ination that wo1nan are brought together, the cou hen one examines the classic a party to a lawsuit undergoes from the ple ends up as chassan and kalla. They yeshiva dating model, the opposing lawyer. If you have undergone may see each other two, or at most, three W picture is somewhat murky. cross-examination (I have), you would times. Only if the couple find something Almost all shidduchim have screen understand that one develops a quick objectionable do they part company. On ing of son1e sort. For some the screen antipathy for the lawyer who is putting occasion that happens. However, the task ing is quite substantial for others it is less you through the mill. Often when facing the young man or woman is dear intense. However, I believe it fair to counseling a couple who have dated sev ly defined. No one expects for the cou observe that the screening is not as eral times and are unsure about their ple to develop any relationship in that intense as within Chassidic circles where feeling toward each other, I observe that short period of time. And since, for the the young man and woman do not if they feel even slightly positive toward most part, there is little contact between expect to develop a relationship. For each other after the intense grilling that the couple prior to the wedding, there example, within the Chassidic model the they have undergone, that they must ------·------" parents will almost always have met the care for each other quite a bit. Normally, Dr. 'IWerski, a me1nber of the Editorial Board of The fewislt Observer, is a professor in Brooklyr. young man or won1an and their parents they ought to dislike each other intense Law School and serves as chairman of the board before the prospective mates meet for ly for having put each other through of Agudath Israel of America's Comn1ission on the first time. Within the yeshiva dating such an ordeal. Legislation and Civic Action. The Jewish Observer, Summer 2001 29 No Bells or Whistles would like to be in the comfort zone bring a couple together- has the capac before deciding to become engaged. ity to keep them apart and distant. ot all-prospective mates feel Many youngsters will freely admit that When I share this observation with this way about the yeshiva dat they have parted on numerous occasions singles they often come back at me with N ing process. Many are able to with a prospective mate because they the following rejoinder. Assume that you develop a very positive relationship in have not felt sufficiently positive to make are right - what is the alternative? What a short time. However, many do not. the decision. My psychologist friends tell do you offer us as a resolution to our They are not to blame. They are not me that the inability to con1111it may evi dilemma? More dating will not help being picky. They simply cannot, with dence problems that are more profound. because the atmosphere is too heavy. in the constraints of a system that And certainly in some cases they are cor Indeed, as time goes on, it becomes demands that dating is for tachlis and rect. However, n1y own experience is that unbearably so. Well, I suggest why not tachlis only, develop a sufficiently pos the problem is often not personal but go to the top of the Empire State Build itive relationship to n1ake their decision rather institutional. The institution of ing and wave the American flag? They an easy one. They lament that they dating - the process that is supposed to look at me as if I had just descended from Mars. No, I say) you \Von't do that Recently, a well-known rosh yeshi won't encounter any homeless drunks because it won't help. Well, neither will va forwarded to The Jewish Observer lying across the sidewalk. They reach their anything else. You must honestly con an anonymous letter from a yeshiva stu destination, and try to find a table which front the question as to whether you dent who was deeply troubled by a cer is not in view of a TV or video screen. belong to the class of persons for whom tain lack of tzenius and modesty that They just barely sit down, when a wait the only dating process you can engage pervades the standard yeshiva dating ress comes by, and asks if they would in will not provide you all the positive scene. The letter is written in pain and like some drinks .... bells and whistles that you desire. The needs no commentary. The rosh yeshi A yeshiva bachur who literally lives reality is that many couples do make the va to whom it was addressed felt that in the beis hamidrash would usually avoid the topic deserved a public airing, and busy streets, and if he would frequent decision to go ahead when they find that urged its publication in these pages: the same venues he visits on his shid the shidduch is appropriate and makes I have been dating for some time duchim itinerary, his reputation would good common sense. If they share now, and I can't accustom myself to be ruined. Yet, when it comes time to common Torah goals as to how they the terrible pritzus that surrounds me building a bayis ne'eman b'Yisroel wish to build their lives even if the rela in the hotel lounges and surroundings, through the means of" Kiddushin" - a tionship is lukewarn1, they n1ake the and I don't know of any other accept word that resonates with sacred con- plunge. Few will announce this to the able choice. I just cepts, and conveys world. But what I am relating is fact. At don't think people what it should son1e point the youngsters have learned have grasped to Time For A encompass - he what degree the pursues this goal the limitations of the system and have atmosphere of the Change Of Venue: amidst surround decided that despite its limitations, lounges has deteri ings that resonate they have to decide or else face an end orated. The whole An Environmentalist's with tum'a. less cycle of dating leading to nowhere. scene just doesn't fit Not everybody A person 1nust be a maven on hi1n into the life of a Ben Cry For Help immediately meets self. If you are having difficulty operat Torah or of a Bas their bashert, so this ing within the shidduch system, perhaps Yisroel. process can contin you are a person who will never devel Behind the driver's wheel is a yeshi ue for years. Is everyone equipped to op the ability to make easy decisions va bachur who just left the yeshiva a fight in such an unfair battleground? while earlier. Seated next to him is a Sais And one is obligated to sit there for hours, within the existing system. And if that Yaakov type of girl who might have fin at a most vulnerable age, to do is true1 there is nothing wrong with you. ished teaching a short time ago and they what? ... To build a house of kedusha. And there may be little we can do with want to see if they're suitable for each The bachur just sees this experience as the system. The institution has its lim other. So they go for a ride together. a date, but the sattan sees the build itations. It works easily for some and Where to? Manhattan, its streets flash ing of a bayis ne.'eman b'Yisroel, a place with great difficulty for others. The only ing with neon lights, compelling one to where the Shechina can dwell. So he choice is to recognize that the decision absorb their message. How many video shleps them into Manhattan, where he to marry will have to be made with a stores will they pass? How many bars? has the "home advantage." A bachur lesser degree of comfort. Institutions They find parking and walk amidst who has been dating for a while in Man people who have a dress code of tze hattan is not the same person anymore, have their limitations. But we, as think nius similar to the Indians of hundreds whether he knows it or not. ing sensitive bnei 1brah, can rise above of years ago, including scalped heads, Wouldn't you agree that finding a institutions. We have the freedom to nose rings and all, and hopefully they suitable alternative is long overdue? choose, and choose we must. • 30 The Jewish Observer, Summer 2001 THESHIDDUCH PROCESS Rabbi Zvi Schachtel • I THE CRISIS increasingly problematic in the future} It is a crisis that demands an organized, housands of Jewish Orthodox effective and timely response on the par( singles between the ages of twen of the Orthodox community. . Tty and sixty are searching for their soul mates. Many attend social events, lec SUGGESTIONS FOR SINGLES tures, shuts, and other venues where sin gles congregate with the hope of meet o be sure, there are areas where, ing "the right one." Unfortunately, singles could benefit from however, these attempts often prove to be Treassessing their approach and.• unsuccessful. These along with many oth attitude, and some are discussed at length ers fail tomake the connections necessary in other articles in this issue. I will sum formulate this list. Try not to be too dog to create the long-standing relationships marize my own suggestions in brief: matic about the list since many people they seek. As a result, there is tremendous A) Make time - Keep shidduchim as end up marrying som eone who negates frustration and despair, not only for the the top item on your agenda, even when many qualities that they had considered singles, but also for their families, friends, it is a source of disappointment and necessities. By deciding to change their and communal leaders who are dedicated frustration. Lighten up your heavy lists, they found their bashert and are to ensuring the growth and survival of schedule so you can be available when happily married. the Jewish community. the call comes. Plan your week with time D) I always emphasize 1t 1s most Further aggravating the issue, a large for shidduchim. important to let Hashem into the number of singles are rightfully appre B) Build a support system- whether process. Never, never underestimate the hensive about enlisting the aid of pro it is a mentor, good friend, Rabbi, Reb incredible power of Avinu She fessional matchmakers who could betzin, or therapist. This m entor should bashamayim. Daven - the Kol Yaakov is potentia1ly be helpful in making appro preferably be married. This chosen imperative in the process. l priate introductions. As a result, some guide or mentor should help you care .I 'j Orthodox Jewish singles eventually fully resolve past relationships and ANALYSIS: SHADCHANIM - l' turn to alternative communities or fears, and for many, this includes the fear I WHAT ARE THE MAJOR PROBLEMS? resources to find their zivug. They may of failure and the fear of commitment. l begin to seek their soul mates in non- , C) The "LIST" - Try constructing a any singles are dissatisfied with l Orthodox settings chas v'shalom. list of ten items or qualities you are seek their experiences with shad This has resulted in a crisis, one that ing in a spouse. This construction proj M chanim. From my conversa l signifies the complex issues of the ect should be carefully considered. If you tions with them, the following problems i j modern age and threatens to become find someone with seven of the ten items are among the most disconcerting: ,,I Rabbi Zvi Schachtel is originally from M.;i~ on the list, then wisely compromise. A) Focus - Honesty and "focused bourne, Australia. He lived in Yerushalayim fo r A compromise is not settling. To settle introductions" are often missing. Instead, I sixteen years, studying in the Mir Yeshiva and is to give up. Compromise simply means many espouse the theory that since he is l teaching at several schools, in particular at Neve Yerushalayim. He has been residing in Monsey foregoing the more trivial attributes while a man and she is a woman, that's reason j for the last ten years, and at this writing has com retaining the priority reguirements. enough to match them; the chance of pleted sixty-four s/iidduchim. Rabbi Schachtel can A mentor can help the single person infatuation and marriage are there. l be reached at www.schachtel.com. 1· The Jewish Observer, Summer 2001 31 B) Separate - Many work com unwanted matches. a nationwide network of carefully pletely alone and are wary of speaking I had a couple recently who met on selected, highly motivated and well to any other shadchan for fear of losing a Wednesday night and, to my utter sur qualified matchmakers. These will a client. prise, were engaged by Monday night. help their clients to develop realistic C) Favoritism - Some exercise I had another couple who dated for over expectations and to provide positive favoritism and promote one individual six months until she felt comfortable reinforce1nent and guidance until repeatedly instead of recognizing the dif entering a life-long commitment. they succeed in finding their soul ferent qualities of each neshama being I recently had a lady who was pres mates. The project will utilize a vari special in its own right. sured by the shadchan after a few dates ety of avenues through which singles D) Organization - They may lack to commit herself She was under can meet, including: organization and training. standably very nervous. So I invited the 1) A direct, nationwide registry of E) Pressure tactics - They can be chassan to be my Shabbos guest. He was matchmakers who attend events and guilty of pressuring singles into unstable and, as it turns out, beset with personally acquaint themselves with serious medical problems. Within a few each couple they attempt to match. hours after Havdalla, I advised her to 2) Provide mentors and/or therapists break the engagernent. B'chasdei who could counsel singles, matchmak Hashern, she is since niarried to son1e ers, and couples as they go through the one else and the original chassan rec dating process. Maintaining hope and ognized his problem and is receiving having an objective third party as a counseling. sounding board can make all the dif ference in keeping a positive attitude, ~ild Devi! opmenrs~_~-5)! SUGGESTIONS FOR SHADCHANIM leading to success. __ ~rvl~~i~fan~/t~~le~ 3) Classes and seminars conducted by o succeed as a shadchan, you have rabbis and relationship experts that & their families to really care about people. In address relevant issues for creating Taddition, you n1ust realize that healthy, long-term relationships and every neshan1a who co1nes your way is which create the opportunity for singles equal. Favoritism or pro1noting an to meet. 1~hese will include sessions on individual to every possible candidate is ho\v to act and respond on a date, and not professional, ethical, or honest. ho\v to con1n1unicate feelings. I have found that it is best to con 4) Informational materials in the duct a ten-n1inute pre-interview on the form of pamphlets and tapes, which telephone. I then do a scan of my data inspire singles and address relevant rela base to see if I have anyone to offer. tionship issues. Then) if we n1utually agree to meet, it The process of creating a network of is a personal interviev.r of substance. I trained 1natch1nakers and connecting firmly believe that a "focused" intro them appropriately with singles will duction is the only way to go, since make an i1nportant impact on today's rejection is very painful. It is simply Orthodox singles' community. g'neivas daas (misleading) to set up an unfocused n1eeting. here are few 1nitzvoswhere a per I then pray for siyata diShmaya, and, son is called a partner with Baruch Hashem there has been much THashem. One of them is the siyata diShmaya. shadchan, of whom it is stated," Na' aseh shutaf im Hakadosh Baruch Hu." I have A NEW INITIATIVE: THE NEED FOR tremendous adn1iration for the rnesir PROJECT MARRIAGE as nefesh of all shadchanim. Evaluation & Therapy are available In the The ultimate success of a shadchan prlvacyafyaurhomert; of /flhrl1C/ reject Marriage intends to is to realize you are a pawn on HaKa or at aurcenter :; rW V"" IJ; J address this crisis in an innova dosh Baruch Hu's chessboard. The ~~ Ptive) effective n1anner. There is credo must be to give chizuk and a need for a new, national organiza con1passion to all v.rho come to you for tion exclusively focused on helping assistance, and to daven to Hashern for singles to meet suitable mates through siyata diShmaya. • 32 The Jewish Observer, Summer 2001 THE SHIDDUCH PROCESS Shia Markowitz ?kBEST OF IMES OF TIMES en and relatives and friends are sent back and reigning in the expenses. After all, everyone else is doing• and how home with assorted goodies. The bills it, for the affairs add up to several thou would it appear to family and friends if sand dollars. Reb Yanke!, a computer we stray from what has become the programmer with a better-than-average "norm"? Worse yet, what would the daughter is finally engaged to a fine salary, begins to dig into his savings - mechutanim say? Would this make a bachur from Lakewood. The phone is at this point, not allowing himself to be major dent in our relationship? ringing off the hook with words of fazed with the monetary commitments praise from relatives, neighbors and to come. *** friends. And then: *** The wedding night finally arrives. "By the way when is the l'chayim?" The reception called for 6:30 finds "The l'chayim? We're not exactly sure The wedding date is set. 10 weeks to barely a handful of people to partake in what we are doing. We might make a vort. prepare, and so much to do. the extravagant display of delicacies ... We'll let you know." Over the next few weeks, Reb Yanke! 8:00 and much of the uneaten smor and Chanie contend with the daily pres gasbord begins to make its way back to *** sures of running a home, helping their the kitchen, just as many of the arriv children and attending shiurim. Some ing guests make their way to the chupa After several phone calls the how, time must be found to prepare for room .... mechutanim decide to make a small this most important event. The glass breaks, the music plays, and l'chayim on Wednesday evening for the Gowns, dresses and sheitels need to the beaming chassan and kalla are immediate family and a vorton Sunday be ordered and shopping for the escorted to their yichud room, while the in a larger catering facility for everyone trousseau begins. Reb Yanke! begins crowd enters the banquet hall. It is past else. The lists are prepared; the phone searching for a new Shas, talleisim and nine, and some glance at their watches calls are made. Food, drinks, flowers, kittel befitting his new son-in-law. hoping to have the opportunity to ful tables, chairs, specialty cakes, assorted Meeting with the caterer, invitations and fill the mitzva of being mesamayach platters, music and photographer are furniture shopping is next on the list. But chassan v'kalla .... ordered. the list seems to never end. It's now close to ten o'clock. The pho Somehow "the immediate family" On the other side, the chassan's par tographer, oblivious to the anticipation grows to over I 00 people for the l'chay ents are dealing with the ring, assorted of the guests, makes sure not to miss any im, who are also asked to come back for gifts for the kalla, the aufruf, photogra photo opportunities .... the larger and more glamorous vort. pher, flowers and musicians for the wed The newly married couple finally Hundreds show up for the vort, many ding ... and the chassan's wardrobe. appears, and the first dance is exhila from more than 50 miles away, filing in The chassan and kalla spend Shab rating. Everyone joins together in an the front door, making sure to be bosos with their new families. Gifts to be outpouring of heartfelt simcha for the noticed, wishing them all the best, and treasured - and displayed - are new couple. leaving inconspicuously through the exchanged at every possible opportunity. Many of the guests begin making rear. Most of the food remains uneat- As the weeks go by the bills and pres their way to the exit. The main course is sures begin to add up, but there is no now being served. By the time bentching Shia Markowitz of Monsey NY, a partner of The Goldmark Group, which has been designing The stopping now. The wedding list grows and Sheva Brachos are recited, barely a Jewish Observer and preparing it for publication to 625 people. Reb Yanke! and/or his handful of the large, invited crowd is in for twenty-five years. is active in communal mechutanim have a difficult time cutting attendance. affairs. The Jewish Observer, Summer 2001 33 *** The wedding has come and gone, and before either side can take a breather, the week of Sheva Brachos begins. New dresses, suits, and gifts, along with the catered meals and waiters, deplete the savings almost entirely. The Shabbos Sheva Brachos (like the past Shabbos's aufruf) - an ongoing n1ini convention of meals and speeches - is so elaborately prepared that it compares to a small wedding feast with all the trimmings. Finally, it's over. Or is it? The ongo ing maintenance of the new couple by one or both of the mechutanim, has just begun. Of course, this is the fondest wish for both sides - the yunger1nan contin l:~),_,,_:~, ues to learn in Kolle/, where he will grow ·• iie~.i iii fully ill,.ri•ll".. .. . ~reratitjli?W1~f!>¢pfotf aiifuiril~gr 34 The Jewish Observer, Summer 2001 ciated with many additional hours per above will ty, the week of hard work mixed with a good average greater measure of maze/. That kind of money $60,000to the need was more difficult to part with, especial $70,000 for subsidy. ly in the shadow of Ch urban Europe. With combined To put many people dedicated to the task of for both fam these numbers building families and new Jewish com ilies. (For those into perspec munities, money was simply too in1por spending tive, consider tant and not available to be spent on less more, a family important iten1s. the fig whose As the years progressed through the ures can run annual 80's, opportunities increased. Some of the higher than gross income is somewhere around baby boomers did not have to live $100,000.) Multiply $100,000 (pretty high, right?). Sav through the trials and tribulations of their this by the average family ing at a rate of 6% per year, a fam parents' generation and came into easy of six or more children, whose ily of five children would need to money. Many others 1Nere fortunate to chasunos can occur one-after-the save more than 25 years just to pay turn small investments into great finan other. Family n1en1bers are now being for their five weddings! What about cial rewards. The size of families began to asked to help. Many grandparents, who families whose income is considerably show remarkable increase, as did the range have put away savings and live on fixed lower, or who have more children? It is of acquaintances ... and so did the size of income, feel obligated to do more than no wonder that families are collapsing our simchos. 350 people grew to 400 ... to they can, when they see the plight their under the strain! 500 ... and then to 600. The less financially children are going through. For those Imagine the dilemma of parents who able were forced to join in. How can we whose families are unable to participate, are always juggling their bills, watching not invite all those who invited us? the klal is asked to subsidize hundreds of their children grow ... and looking for hachnosas kalla campaigns. The higher ways to save for the upcoming Bar Mitz NEW FACTORS IN THE EQUATION the standards of the general communi- va. They understand that in a few short s the costs of simchos increase, a relatively new phenomenon is Aupon us. Many married couples """"'""" begin their life within a kollel structure. A large portion of the financial obliga tion usually rests on both, or sometin1es elQell~ one of the mechutanim. This stipend, which can run into the tens of thousands The Name You Trust ~ of dollars annually, is for many an • Incoming calls from anywhere added financial burden - on top of an ~ fl' J --' -..I in the world /Where Available) VOice mail • Call waiting • Caller ID already unmanageable budget. It is not If l J -j -1 • Itemized bill • Spare battery & more! unusual for a family to be supporting five •·•-••-lm--•--lm•-.. • or six unmarried children with tuition, '• Lowest Rates Guaranteed! • Fax & Text Message Service camp, health, and the daily expenses typ • Same-Day I Next-Day delivery nationwide • Student Specials ical of all families. Add to that two or Travel Agents & Corporate Accounts Contact Josh Mehlman, President three n1arried couples whose financial Discount Student Rates! where-with-all is mostly dependant upon this same set of parents. People find themselves in a spiraling debt syndrome that will take them years to recover from - if they recover at all. While there are yechidei segula (excep tional individuals) whom the Ribbono Shel Olam blessed with an abundance of wealth, much of the Jewish world is find ing it extremely difficult to cope. The cost of the entire 10-week scenario described The Jewish Observer, Summer 2001 35 years, they will B'ezras Hashem begin to the rent ... the mortgage ... the utilities. Steps have been taken in son1e circles do shidduchim. Even without knowing the What about the tuition bills from their to reduce the nu1nber of 111usicians in actual cost, they realize that a n1ore aggres sons' and daughters' schools? Do they the orchestra. Why not follow the lead? sive savings plan n1ust be implen1ented. begin to decrease their tzeddakos? Or, do Why not popularize the exclusive use Where do they look first? They can't cut they now consider con1pron1ising their of silk flowers from a G'mach instead of back on the basic needs of the home ... Torah values to attain the desired results? live bouquets, which will help other The ripple effect from this huge dispro needy families, and spare the cele portionate outlay of n1oney, for basical brants the difference in price? AGEMACH ly one evening, is noticeable in all areas How about an agreed upon time of our society. And as usual, it is the Torah limit on the post-yichud photography LoANFuNo... and Chessed institutions that are on the session? And for that matter, do we all •• .In memory of a loved one front line, absorbing much of the impact. really need a full-scale photography and merits them •eternal video production? STOP THE TREADMILL, I've picked on only a few of the items pleasantness and light to the I WANT TO GET OFF! that need to be addressed. The list can soul In Gan Eden.· and should go on - but it requires seri (Chafetz Chaim) ho signed us up for this exer ous discussion and prag1natic planning To establish a perpetual Memorial or cise program? Isn't there a by those of you who agree that our atti Honorary Fund at one of our 18 way to hop off? Can't we insti tude toward sin1chos needs an overhaul. branches across Eretz Ylsroel, contact: W tute basic simcha guidelines in line with With enough people pooling their our individual needs and resources? 1 thoughts and proposals, a catalog of OZER DALIM Why do we need both a /'chayim and a potential modifications could be drawn n1•rr "i't'ilJ 1301 Avenue K., vort? \Vhy n1ust so many expensive gifts up. These in turn could be circulated for Brooklyn, NY 11230 be exchanged? Must our chasunos real the purpose of creating a consensus. (718) 434-2228 ly be on the scale of annual dinners of I?.abbaniln and co1nmunity leaders have major Je,-vish organizations? tried to address this issue over the years with little perceptible change. If any thing, it is evident that the shncha tread n1ill that society has constructed has accelerated. As tin1e passes, n1any n1ore will join others in failing the stress test. Perhaps it's ti1ne that son1ething happen at the grassroots level, where mispallelim of each shul or kehilla dis cuss a1nong thernselves takanos that 1:io their respective n1e1nbers would be :lp.Y'> 111:l:l11 willing to adhere to. Your Letters to the Editor on this topic can be a productive Now AVAILABLE IN SEFORIM STORES start. You can also e-mail your sugges ON THE FOLLOWING nin:Jon: tions to [email protected]. 1 This is your opportunity to voice your ,xnp x:i:i ,piv11 p ,poil ,n:iiv ,mY1:i concern and suggestions in a 1nanner p?in ,piimo ,mJJ1:iiv ,0111i ,KJJ,Yn x:i:i that may indeed have a positive effect. Each packed with nmivm m7xw that MAZEL TOV, MAZEL TOV! review the X'1tl1 x7ptv of the xir.ii in eb Yanke! and Chanie have just accordance with m~oin and i"tv1 announced the engagement of written in Hebrew. Rtheir third child. It's their third shidduch in two years. The chassan and kalla are elated. The parents are grate ful ... and petrified. • 1 This partial list was co1npiled \vith the help of friends, colleagues and mechutani111. 36 The Jewish Observer, Summer 2001 The ~UDAH~U simplieity Ctft•itu Qufttittt The Mt:TcSUD/\tl LINE/\Q TEtlILLIM is now rrrrllimuu~1 M;---~":::=:::::--i available in a super convenient 5"x7" 0 -~ ••,._,,,.,,,, """ hardcover edition. Large enough to read easily, handy enough to take along! -·• SIMPLICITY: Neat, balanced, eye-pleasing page layout CLARITY: Clear, flowing line-by-line translation QUALITY: Phrase-at-a-time breakdown helps you grasp the meaning of the verse as you read. Improves your comprehension, guaranteed! 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ADDRESS $500 - FRIEND OF KEREN HASHVllS CITY/STATE/ZIP 8 $360 - DOUBLE CHAI SPONSOR 0 $180 - CHAI SPONSOR [I $72 - DONOR Please send your tax-deductible donation to: SUPPORTER ;_; $120 - AS PER KOL KOREI D $54 - KEREN HASHVllS I U.S. OFFICE OF GEDOLEI YISROEL !] $36 - CONTRIBUTOR Center for Shmitah Observance 42 Broadway I New York, NY 10004 • 212-797-9000 Based on 'A Letter to a Kalla, " first published in 1976, by Rabbi Shlomo Wo/be N-V>7ii>, AW"'~~~ one of the foremost livins educators THE MASTER BUILDER v-\_) and mussar personalities of our time. OF THE JEWISH HOME This arricle W YOUR SUCCESSFUL CHOICE Stability? The two of you are human onset of their creation. As a result, we are beings, not angels; each possesses varying capable of achieving mutual under y dear kalla, you have chosen dispositions and fleeting moods. It is dif standing and true peace in marriage. your chassan, and now you are ficult enough for each, individually, to be M both anticipating your wedding stable in his actions and thoughts. Now FIRST: PATIENCE AND UNDERSTANDING day, when together you will begin a life i the two ofyou must live together, and your of true happiness. It is natural, however, J differing needs and moods will inevitably very couple, of course, must under for this anticipation to be mixed with anx clash. Is there not enough volatile mate go a period ofadjustment. After all, iety over the unknown future. Though '.'! rial concealed within every home that agi- Eeach party comes from a different your chassan has indeed found favor in 1 tates, irritates and courts despair until it home and from varying surroundings, and your eyes, only the future will bear out j could explode, Heaven forbid? for all of the harmony in the depths of whether you have chosen aptly. Only a life their souls, they possess differing, even "nds upon your preparation and attitude. AHEAVENLY UNION opposing strengths and dispositions. Shlomo Hamelech said: "The wisdom l How, then, do they achieve harmony? of women builds her home, but folly he first principle in the "wisdom of First and foremost, there must be plucks it down with her hands" (Mish women:' the wisdom of building a patience. When inconsonant tendencies lei 14, l ). There is a particular wisdom Thome, is the clear, unqualified fact and outlooks begin to surface - almost involved in building a home. Just as an that the moment that the china plate is immediately after the wedding! - do not architect knows how to sketch building broken during the "tennaim," it is con fear that your world has fallen apart. Be plans, which materials to use, and how I firmed that this is a union that was decreed assured that it is possible to overcome the deep to lay foundations, she too pos in Heaven ("The daughter of so-and-so difficulties of adjustment and attain equi sesses "architectural" wisdom with I to so-and-so!") forty days before the librium. which to construct the life of the cou embryo's formation, as the Midrash "A woman recognizes guests more so ' ple after the wedding. Such wisdom was relates: than a man" (Berachos 1Ob ), meaning that . fi given specifically to the woman! "Rabbi Pinchas said in the name of a woman is graced with an instinctive Although the architect learns from Rabbi Ivo: 'In the Torah, in the Prophets understanding ofa man's disposition and books and from teachers, and the and in the Writings we find that a man's strengths. She is specially suited, therefore, woman's wisdom has not been tran partner comes only from Hashem. to thoroughly understand her marriage scribed - for her wisdom is not of tech Where in the Torah? As it is written: '.And partner, and such genuine understanding nology but of the heart - it is wisdom Lavan and Besuail answered and said, removes many stumbling blocks. nonetheless and worthy of an attempt 'The matter comes from Hashem' For example, you may discover that at defining its principles. [i ( Bereis1tis 24,50) .... There are those who your husband is not very orderly. This Commenting on Mishlei, the Vilna travel to their partners and those whose [ might shock you and even irritate you. j Gaon wrote that building a home is a con- .lj partners travel to them. Yitzchak's part After you've calmed down and become struction of permanence. A marriage is not ner came to him.... Yaakov went to his j rational> you 1night consider; ((Why is he for a fleeting period, Heaven forbid, but partner... " ( Bereishis Rabba, Parashas so disorganized with his possessions and is, with the help of Hashem, a binyan adei ,. Vayetze1). his clothing?" Insight should not be slow ad, an eternal structure. The "wisdom of The members of practically every in coming. You have noted that he is women" aspires, essentially, to construct Ii union see the hashgacha g'luya - the immersed in learning and abstract think a stable, firm building. revealed, careful guidance of Hashem - in ing to a degree well beyond the norm and their finding one another and then enter simply fails to take note of where he left Rabbi Wolbe N~, author of Alei Shur and other ' ing the covenant of marriage. We, who his watch or dropped his clothing. You works, is the menaliel ruclwni of Yeshivas Givat l Shaul and of the Jamie Lehmann Bais Hamussar believe in Hashem, in His powerfully recall that he has been living in a dormi in Jerusalem. Additionally, he delivers s!mwessen ' detailed involvement in our lives, know tory for dose to ten years, and when you in Mirrer Yeshiva and Yeshivas Kol Torah. ! and trust that a man and a woman come , inquire a bit about dorm life, you will Pnuel Peri is a writer and translator living in from a single spiritual root and are come to see to what degree this lifestyle Jerusalem and a frequent contributor to these I matched, one to the other, from the very has made your husband accustomed to pages, most recently with "The Potch" in Jan. 'O I. I ------·------·-·-- --·------The Jewish Observer, Summer 2001 39 disorder; yeshiva dormitory life is a far cry est in \vhat he has eaten for lunch, so accordingly, you will tell yourself that from dorn1itory life in a Bais Yaakov. though she had invested much effort in for some time your husband has lived Building on this premise, you will find a her cooking. As revelations of such indif exclusively an1ongst tnales and gro\vn way to get your husband accusto1ned to ference mount, one after the next, you may accustomed to dormitory life. He has been orderliness - drawing, of course, on an fed shattered and begin to think: "Perhaps served food and has eaten well, with abundance of patience and good will. l have chosen unwisely!" Prior to the wed nobody demanding that he say "Thank There are also certain things that irri ding, you had found such favor in his eyes, you:' Over the years, \vhen his visits hon1e tate a won1an to a greater degree, such as and he had shown so much interest in you. to his parents were too short and far when her husband shows indifference lt bad never occurred to you that he could between, all of the etiquette of the home to\vard her. So1neti1nes, a husband fails to become so indifferent, a thought which has becon1e foreign. You 1nust, therefore, honor his wife's concerns, not noticing could now bring you to despair. gradually inculcate your partner with the what she is wearing, whether her dress is However, there is no need to despair. awareness that he is not living in a "new blue or green; not taking tl1e slightest inter- The" wisdom of women builds her home;' donnitory'' but in a home, his home, and that a home demands consideration! AVOIDING ANGER It hurts he first step in building a home is mutual understanding. And then 1oc II Twhat? There is no doubt that in every home, and in dealing with every husband, I there are factors that can irritate a woman. 1~he 1nore con1n1on reaction is to becon1e angry, which can express itself in shouting and quarreling or in silence and introver sion. 1'he first response is bad enough, tOr • it can lead to fighting, even though in the end the husband at least may learn what is angering his wife. This is in contrast to the second sort of anger, wherein the won1ru1, withdrawn, never reveals what has triggered her ill feeling. Jn the end, how It hurts ever, both types of anger are lethat, and it It feels better just to talk about it. That's Suits why we're here. Our staff is made up of caring and sensitive individuals. Together, we can help you explore your options. We Rain wear can refer you to recognized professionals for counseling, legal advice or help in finding a safe environment. We can also Wool Coats put you in touch with some very special Rabbis. But in order for us to reach out to you, you must first reach out to us. Blazers & Slacks Confidential Hotline 1.888.883.2323 (Toll Free) Shirts &Ties 718.337.3700 Do it for yourself. (NYC Area) Do it for your children. Shalo;n Task Force 1s a 50 I (c:-(3) charitable organization 40 The Jewish Observer, Summer 2001 is worth bearing this in inind befOre you and try finding, together, a design for Coupled with the knowledge of the enter the chupa, b'sha'a tova u'1nutzlachas i in1provement. "impossibility of one without the other" (at an auspicious ti111e). Be assured that is the awareness of the Shechina's presence the paths of the "wisdom of women" are WEATHERING CRISIS AND STRESS between them, of incalculable heavenly not paved vvith anger. Anger, in any forn1, assistance throughout their life together. does not help build a home. ur era is different fron1 the one If you should ask, my dear kalla: "How So what should you do when your hus that preceded the Second World am I capable of feeling the presence of band irritates you? Wisdom would dictate 0 War. In the past, people were the Shechina and enlisting Hashern's that you speak to him on the matter, that more capable of struggling with problems aid?" I would answer that even now, you engage him, expressly and directly, in and striving to improve. Today, most before the wedding, you should accustom an issue-centered discussion and explain young people find it difficult to withstand to him your problem with his particular the slightest stress; if any formidable habit or practice; then help him accept the problem arises, they require a psychol conclusion that he has acted inappropri ogist and even sedatives. Generally speak ately. In the process, he may explain why ing, young people today are not accus he behaves as he does. If this annoying toined to asserting control over habit continues to recur, bring it up again. themselves and overcon1ing challenges. If you come to see that the issue sterns One should accept that there is no home from a long-rooted habit, the two of you without problems, be they internal forces should explore ways to wean him from it. (involving personal adjustment) or exter Obviously, it is impossible to uproot life nal ones (insufficient incon1e, etc.). long habits in the course of a single week. Young married people in general are This requires patience on your part and simply unaccusto1ned to tolerating stress, good will on his. "Anger rests in the breast and may suddenly find themselves in a Bo)( 82, Staten 1S1and, NY 10309 of fools" ( Kohelles 7,9). It certainly has no whirlwind of difficulties, although they place in the "wisdon1 of women." had imagined that their homes would Beyond the habits of bachelorhood, serve as a safe harbor from problems. you are bound to discover some of your What should such young people do or husband's characteristic tendencies that are think? How can they run their home? inconsistent with the ideal picture that you Sadna d'ara chad hu, human nature had formed of him. You may attempt to is nluch the same the world over, and strive to change these, with his benefit in b'neiTorah and b'nos Bais Yaakovwill also inind, for in your view, if he could just cor occasionally find themselves helpless 1537 50th Street, rect this one point, he'd be perfect. For when crisis strikes. This is a weakness that Brooklyn, NY 11219 example, he is very social and popular, and has affected our entire generation. Still, (718) 854-2911 therefore does not maintain what you we are hopeful that a couple strengthened \Votild consider an appropriate distance with faith and Torah is more apt than between himself and younger bachurim. others to succeed in overcoming prob Or he is a thinker, and while something lems and crises together. After all, as stat is on his mind, he is simply incapable of ed, the foundation of a Jewish home rests conducting light conversation. Bear in on the conviction that the two are n1ind, however, that every attempt to members of a union formed by He "who change his characteristics will doubtless created joy and gladness, groom and in the Teaching Profession for over Z5 years fail, resulting in your disappointment and bride, mirth, glad song, pleasure, delight, //) I • Maximizeyourchi/d'spotenlial love, brotherhood, peace and compan mr&. f<.ivkie • Private sessions available on his bitterness. In the final analysis, just as (J I // I) I afl grade levels in Hebrew no t\vo people are identical, men in gen ionship." He created all of these not only Jchonf"[d and fogfish eral are different fron1 women. Knowing for the seven days of the wedding feast, • Learning in tun atmosphere • Classes given atter school ho\v to make peace with perceived imper but for the length of your entire lives! • Separate classes for fections is also part of the "wisdom of Further, the Tal1nud Yerushalrni states boys and girls women:' It should also be stressed that fre that "it is impossible for a man [to live] quent discussion - especially during the without a \Vornan, in1possible for a s~:=~~,~::'!;;;"-g first year of marriage- can help promote woman [to live] without a man, and tl2Fii!Jiii:rf~t:"'~ compatibility and closeness. Make a prac impossible for the two of them [to exist I tice of discussing problerns as they arise, without the Shechina" (Berachos, ch. 9). The Jewish Observer, Summer 200 I 41 yourself to daven, both in the morning suggest that you bofh include within your continue their studies after the wedding. and the evening, that Hashem grant the Shemoneh Esrei tefillos for your home A woman who holds a highly regarded two of you success in establishing your and, later, G-d willing, for your children. position in her profession, who has home in accordance with His will. Dur You may be certain that there is no prayer extensive Torah knowledge, or whose area ing Shemoneh Esrei, within the blessing which goes unheard and no tefilla with of employment is intellectually chal Shome'a Tefilla (following the words "and out blessings flowing in its wake. lenging and fulfilling, may find it difficult from before You, our King, do not turn to devote sufficient time and effort to us away empty"), and, also, after light GUARDING FEMININITY housekeeping and managing her home. ing candles on Erev Shabbos, you should Moreover, her taxing workload, both in regularly pray: "Please enhance our any women seek employ1nent and outside the home, may lead her to home so that peace and harmony prevail to help cover a substantial por overlook a matter of great importance between my husband and me." Similar Mtion of the family's expenses - that should not be ignored. The Midrash, ly, in every situation, pray for siyata particularly those women who have con1menting on the verse from Eishes d'Shamaya, for heavenly aid. Also, I would merited marrying b'nei Torah who will Chayil: "Her hands she stretches out to the distaff, and her palms support the spindle" (Mishlei 31,19), says that this refers to "Yael, who did not kill [ Sisra] with Subscribe or give a gift of a martial weapon but, rathei; with a stake and the strength of her bare hands. V\Thy did she not kill him with a weapon? So The Jewish Obseroer as to honor the verse: 'A won1an should not don a man's clothing, nor should a and $ave! 111an wear the gar1nent of a woman; for all who do these things are an abomina WHY NOT GIVE OR GET A PRESENT tion to Hashem"' (Mishlei Rabba 31 ). THAT WILL LAST AN ENTIRE YEAR? Because Yael was performing a manly task - namely, killing an enen1y-she was care Subscribe, or give a gift at these redu«ed prices ful not to use n1asculine tools. and 1'he ]eivish ()b~;erver- filled with the vic\vs 'fhis is a basic principle in ho\v won1en should conduct then1selves: even of leading Torah thinkers on current issues- \·vill he \Vhen their social or professional status delivered each month. directly to your door. is equal to that of men, they must assid 'l11e longer you subscribe f()1; the larger your savings. uously use the "tools" associated with 1 v. omen1 and not resort to those usually ()f course, this offer is unconditiona1ly guaranteed~ employed by men [e.g. assertiveness in you n1ay cancel at any tin1e and receive a refund for expression and action]. Sometimes this all undelivered copies. is not easy. Ever increasingly, a woman So order today. and the very next issue ·will he on in the workplace is drawn toward manly its 'vay to you as ~oon as possible. practices, stifling her fe1ninine nature. When she brings this mode of conduct home, her husband is stunned and does 0 YES, I want to take advantaµ:e of this 11101wy saving offt•r! E1ttt'r 1ny orclt•r as follo"·s: not know how to react; this can corrode :i NE\f the natural warmth between husband Nanw \M •m·1;;i1JE and wife. In fact, this is one of the caus 0\1.\ l'!iA 0 3 year,; Cov(:r Price S-I0.5 ll>ur rost $60 B96 es for the deterioration of hannony in the contemporary family. 0 2 Cm·n Priee ~70 l'our ro.~t S4rJ. $(lg l'.il~ Once again, "The wisdom of wo1nen C:l l year Cow~r Prir:e ~J5 }'011r cost $24 $:)(i :-ltatr ------Zip --·-·---- builds her home:' Women naturally pos sess 1nuch v.risdom, and they 1nust draw on it to build a home. One aspect 'l2 Brm1dwav. 14th Flour, N('I> Yurk, '\Y 10()(}1 of this wisdom that the modern woman 71w .h<•i.;h Ob_;,,""'' i.< 1•uh/1. 42 The Jewish Observer, Summer 2001 Rabbi Matis Blum 1 . 1111 ns .Z,evnrim :lff'· ·reat Threat to Shalom Bayis :F .:~~~ The material in this article is drawn from addressed specifically to men, they apply a lecture delivered by Rabbi Avraham equally to women. Many of these Hakohein Pam N"""7\!J to bnei Tora h. insights have been published in Hebrew Although the ideas appear to be in Rabbi Pam 's sefer, Atara LaMelech. 1In' 1rl':J "VlN71 'V'N 7-:J7 :J1i1N1 :JP)) ''li1" We are prohibited to utter words that they put a great deal of thought into (N""Ui'I 11t71'l '1':J l "!l N'l:rlt )'1N 111 'Ot.l) "7-:JY.l hurt and cause pain especially when the what they say to each other, and how ur Rabbis prescribe that a per subject is helpless to protect himself. they say it. After each date, they analyze i son should be humble, patient This is true even when dealing with the conversations and evaluate whether ! I and beloved to all people, but strangers. How much more so when they spoke properly or not, and .j 0 l especially to his family members - to his dealing with one's own spouse and fam whether or not it will affect the shid l l wife and children. Unfortunately, in ily members. duch. After marriage, however, people l some situations, it is these people - the Ghazal (quoted in the Chinuch, talk and say things without giving a ones closest to him - who are neglect Mitzva 65) note: n7v::i7i'l\!IN ,1'::i.N':i 7:J1p p thought as to how it will affect their j ed and not treated properly. While a per '1-:Jl - When a child is hurt, he runs to spouse - whether it will impact on their j ? son may have a wonderful reputation in his father for protection and comfort. shalom bayis. People would be well ~ the community for his accomplishments When a woman is o ffended, she turns advised to be as careful with their words and acts of chessed, his own family mem to her husband for solace and com after m arriage as they were when they bers may view him from an entirely dif passion. When the pain comes from her were dating. If one is in do ubt about ferent perspective - one that is not near spouse, however, she has no place to go whether or no t to say something, he ly as favorable. for help and understanding. The hurt should ask himself, "Would I have said In the recent past there has been a is more intense because it comes from this while I was dating her?" great deal of emphasis on avoiding the one she loves and trusts most, and When speaking to a group about lashon hara, and the devastating effect who is supposed to love her. By caus shalom bayis, I presented the following that it can have on people's lives. How ing his wife pain, the husband is vio anecdote: When a husband and wife sat ever, I feel that there is another area of lating the basic contract of the marriage down to breakfast one fine morning, the speech that has n ot been stressed - the kesuba - in which he accepts the wife remarked, "I woke up this morn enough, which is equally harmful and responsibility to honor and take care of ! ing at six o' dock and I feel as though I've which can undermine the very founda his wife in the manner in which a Jew I already put in a day's work." tion of fa mily life. It is also a prohibi ish husband is expected to treat her. J The husband replied , "You woke up tion explicitly mentioned in the Torah Harsh words - words spoken in I at six o'clock? When I left for sl1 ul at - Ona'as devarirn. The Torah com anger or just carelessly without con I seven o'clock you were still sleeping!" mands," V'lo sonu islz es amiso" ( Vayikra sidering what the effect will be on one's I "So what? So you're calling me a 25, 17) "You shall not cause pain to your spouse - can cause deep wo unds. The J liar?!" fellow man." pain that is inflicted lingers and fes ters I "I didn't say that!" The Chinuch (Mitzva 338) explains: until the foundations of the marriage I "But you implied it!" 1i'111)):lr'11il):J'N':J'V C'Ui 71'!1""7 1r.lNl N?'l!J " begin to erode to the point in which I "You're always distorting my words. I j "cnr.i irvn7 ro 1:J l'N1 there is abuse, and this can even tually j You turn them around. I can't talk to .J l Rabbi Blum compiles and edits Torah Lodaas, a lead to a get. l you!" i week!)' compendium of commentaries on the "I'm distorting your words! Yo u can't l Parsha, which has been ap pearing regularly fo r CARE BEFORE MARRIAGE talk to me?! " j l the past nineteen years. He also lectures in var· And so the conversation continued. ious Bais Yaakov high schools in the New York l area. His article "ls Anyone in Charge Here?" was hen a young man and The breakfast lost its taste. The husband l featured in JO, Sept. '95 and "Short, But How woman are seeing each o ther left without saying "good-bye," and the Sweet?: The Use and Abuse of the Ho icha W for shidduchim p urposes, wife had a miserable day. Kedusha" in Jan. 'O I. lj ~ I' The Jewish Observer, Summer 2001 43 i ! ·' Fortunately, this scenario didn't actu they merely cause tensions to escalate. more appropriate to say, "It's not the ally play out as described; but it could Restraint in speech is the basis for truth:' Although the two expressions very well have happened. The husband, shalom bayis. seem to be very si1nilar, nevertheless, to however, had enough sense not to say a sensitive person there is a great dif anything. When he heard his wife say AVOIDING LABELS AND NAMES ference - the sa1ne as the distinction that she got up at six o'clock and felt as between "temei'a" - defiled" and "lo though she had done a day's work, he n important part of shalom tehora" - not pure." didn't feel that he had to comment on bayis as well as chinuch is to Even worse than exclaiming, ' 44 The Jewish Observer, Summer 2001 COMPLAINING lying source of the complaint and ertheless, the Maggid felt it imperative detern1ine \vhether he should in actu to inspire him to honor her even more n irnportant coinponent of ality be eternally grateful for the situa by revealing the ethereal nature of her shalom bayis is to keep things in tion - a caring \vife and healthy, active neshama (soul). Aproper perspective and to realize children. Unfortunately, we do not have mag that many things that people complain gidim to reveal to us the sublime nature about come from the greatest berachos A SENSITIVE RELATIONSHIP of our spouses' souls. Most likely, how that Hashem bestows upon them. ever, it will becon1e known to us in \Nhen Bnei Yisroel complained about he relationship between a hus Olam Habba (the World-to-Come), the Mon (manna) in the wilderness, the band and \vife is a very sensitive and if we do not respect them prop Torah proceeds to describe its wonder T one and can easily be upset. We erly and cause them pain while they ful qualities. And Rashi (Bamidbar can observe this fron1 the fact that live with us, the shame that we will 11,7) notes that the verse wishes to teach Hashcn-z found it necessary to change experience will be unbearable. us an iinportant lesson: "Behold) you the words of Sarah - when relating who come into the world, what My chil then1 to Avraham - from "Va'adoni THE CONSTANT CHALLENGE dren are complaining about. Yet the Mon zakein" ("and my master is old") to is so valued." "Va'ani zakanti" ("and I have beco1ne alom bayis needs constant A simple application of this: The old"). Why was it necessary to do this? trengthening and vigilance. We husband comes home from work and Sarah had merely made her comment S: nd that when the angels came to finds the house in complete disarray - privately. Additionally, saying that inform Avraham and Sarah that they toys are strewn about, shoes are scattered Avrahan1 was old was not a derogato would have a child, they asked, "Where all over, the children are running wild, ry statement. To the contrary, Avrahan1 is Sarah, your wife?" (Bereishis 18, 9). and supper is not ready. The husband was the one who had beseeched Rashi comments: The angels knew complains to his wife about her lack of Hashem to make him look old (Bava where our Matriarch, Sarah, was. housekeeping abilities and uses unpleas Metzia 87a). If so, why did Hashem Rather, [they asked the question] to ant tern1s to describe his feelings. deem it necessary to modify Sarah's point out her great modesty to Avraham At that point the words of the heav words? [that she was in the tent] in order to enly voice ring out, "Behold, you who Apparently, the relationship make her more beloved to him. come into the world, what are My chil between a man and his vvife is so del What is fascinating is that the cou dren complaining about!?" How n1any icate, that the sa1ne words that would ple involved - Avraham and Sarah - people pray and yearn for normal be considered innocuous - or even were elderly people who had lived healthy children who will be able to run complimentary- if said by an outsider, together in harmony for many decades. and play and make a mess in the could be misconstrued and thought to But in spite of all this, the angels house! How many people wish that they be insulting if said by a spouse. deemed it worthwhile to point out had a wife to come ho1ne to! Chazal (Bava Metzia 59b) tell us Sarah's special qualities so as to make her (In the Baruch She' a mar prayer we that a n1an must be very careful not to even more beloved to Avrahatn. say, "rnY"J.:Jil?vOTT"ro1'lU .1'1Nil?vOTT"lntrtJ" cause pain to his wife because her tears Maintaining shalorn bayis in the - "Blessed is the One who has compas coine easily, and therefore ona' asa most fragile of relationships is the sion on the earth. Blessed is the One who kerova. Rashi explains that a husband great challenge that all married people has co1npassion on the creatures." Son1e must be very careful not to cause pain face. One must continuously \vork on explain this in a humorous vein: There to his wife with insulting words, improving it, and appreciating and are some people who have compassion because punishment for his harsh honoring the unique qualities of his on the earth - they are more concerned words is swift in coming. spouse, and the many blessings that that the floor be spotless, that it con The Beis Yoseif relates in the sefer, Hashem has bestowed upon him. One stantly be swept, and that toys be put Maggid Meisharim (Parshas Va'eira), must be constantly vigilant to avoid away. There are others "\:vho are more that the Maggid (the angel who would harsh, critical, insulting or sarcastic com concerned about the family members learn with him and admonish him) ments to one's spouse, and not insist on and "have compassion on the creatures." revealed to him the lofty nature of his getting the last word in. By following this If the children are healthy and happy - \vife's soul. Now, \Ve can be certain that formula, one can be assured of making even if they make a mess - this is their the Beis Yoseif conformed to the words his home into a suitable place for the greatest joy, and they thank Hashem for of Chazal (Bava Metzia 59) that a man Shechina (Divine Presence), where he this blessing constantly.) should always be careful to properly will be able to raise holy and emotion Before complaining, one would be honor his wife, and that he should ally healthy children who will be a source well advised to think about the under- place her honor before his own. Nev- of pride to Kial Yisroel. • The Jewish Observer, Summer 2001 45 i11)n;, n7:J.i? VJr ,N"ovn , N"i,,,., 1;; 11 t1 The Kolle! Beth M d v 1':1'1!H ').:! lJ'nN? M e rash L'Torah V'h , aran HaGaon Rav Mo . ora ah, founded by the re source of great pride to~~~ ~:~~=in 7",;,n, is approaching it; fif~i~~a;;a;~~ Tzaddik and the Ko!/eJ is proud to c was able to develop POSkim f f . was a 1i arry on that legacy or uture generations 0 commemorate th· . · ' H rs occasion we h a Yeshiva's memor 1 ' ave undertaken tow. his holy neshamah y. V\hen~ver it is used-week after ntek a S~ferTorah in the Rosh , and we invite you to partici wee - it Will be a z'chus for The Sefer Torah Wi/J be a further , h pate as an additional z'chus for him be a source of financial su z c us for the Rosh Ha Yeshivah '::>" . haJachah that one f th ppor.t for the Kolle/ he founded Th' . . .'.:ir, because it Will funds tor Torah stu;y T~ few things for Which a Sefer Tor~h is is in keeping With the Torah Will go t . us a!J the proceeds above the may be Sold is to raise o support the Rosh H actual cost of w T memorial for him a Yeshiva's Kolle/ Wh. h . . n ing the Se fer . , IC will continue to be a Hvin Can there be a more a ro . g named for M PP pnate memorial to the R Ti . oshe Rabbeinu (because h osh HaYeshiva 17":::11 who orah 1n his name? 1 . e was born on 7 Ad ' was (the written and O~aJ: this way we will help perpetuate the ar~, than to dedicate a ftJlfiH the Prophet M J a~! t~~t he taught for nearly half a :i::i i:r:n:1 :i11n1 ::in::i::iv :-71ih, M a achi s IOJunction , century? In this w . oshe, My servant The . 'T:::tl' nvo h11n i1::n, Rem ay, we will enrich Klal Yisrael t~ teachings of Hashem's servant th :mber the Torah of teachings by means ~~~~~cS·ut the world; let us memorial;ze ;h ~h Ha Yeshiva "":::11, still is eferTorah. e Osh HaYeshiva and h. Surely alJ . is , participants in the .. Rosh Ha Yeshiv ,.,, wnting of this Se fer will h a Yt, and he will be a meilitz h ave the eternal thanks of the yos er for them al! ~ Medrash L'Torah V"Horoah, the Kolle! of I ~~. UJ ~~~aon Rav Moshe Feinstein ~"~!, began almost / 50 years ago, in )"'Wn (1951), when Rav Moshe?"~!, organ- ~---:;:------ized a core group of ten masmidim into a Kollel that would help shape the future ~;;------of American and world Jewry. From those humble beginnings, graduates of the Beth Medrash L'Torah V'Horoah have become leaders of the Jewish world: Roshei Yeshivas, Poskim, Rebbeim, Rabbonim, authors and publishers of Torah literature. The focus of the Kolle!, from its inception, has always been Torah V'Horoah, learning Torah with the express goal of disseminating Torah, ?~ "TltJ?? ;o?? nltJ. This has been the hallmark of the Kolle! throughout its fifty years of existence. Today the Kolle!, under the guidance of HaGaon Rav David Feinstein H""ti;,w, sustains over thirty of the highest caliber students, preparing them for a life of leadership in Kial Yisrael. As it enters its SOth year, the Kollel has undertaken the writing of a Seier Torah to perpetuate the memory and vision of Rav Moshe?"~!. Be a part of this rare opportunity to pay tribute to the memory of Rav Moshe 7":~n and to the Kollel he founded. Join us in acknowledging their immeas- -u~~e_c~n~r~u~i:n~, ~:m_ :h~:~ ~1~ b~:e:t,_w~i~ ~:ti:g_i: t~e-n:~~_°~ :i~:: :e~~T~r~h~ ______~ DEDICATION OPPOllTIJNITE$ HaMalach :HaGoeJ {81esslng Children) $5,000 TORAH ACCESSORIES Blessing Childbirth '5,000 REPLY FORM for AND ORNAMENTS One -Letter }18 [J YES, l wish to join the Toras Chaim One Word ~100 71'1!11.l iv 71'1!11.lt.i GarleJ (Torah Binder) *5,000 Project to honor the memory of HaGaon One Pa$Uk ~3_60 SPECIAi. DEDICATION Yad (Torah Polnter) '$5,000 Rav Moshe Felnstein 7"~, and help sup. one Martir ii,ooo OPPORTUNITIES RELATED Mantel {Torah Cowr) ~10,000 port the Kollel as it celebrates its 50th One Aliyah -1-1,soo TO THE NAME "MOSHE" High Holklay Mantel $10,0()0 anniversary. One Sklrah '10,000 AtzeJ Chaim {Tor;:ih Rollersj '$1.8,000 Book_s of the Torah opportunities) ~so,ooo Name rs 1he_name "'Moshe"' ~360 Keser TorM {Crown) ~is,ooo Az Yashlr Mone "5,ooo -Aseres ffaDibros (Ten Commandrnents}s5,000 Rimonim iSlng!e Crowns) *18,000 Address Y'Ha~isb Moshe Anav Meod ,.5,000 ltie Shema Choshen \Breastpllne) -l-18,000 is.coo Torah Tzlvall l.anu Moshe ~s.ooo City, State, Z!e_ Yemel BereJsbls \Each Day of Creation) ~s,OOO Vay8f;ba1 Moshe l5,000 81rc1Nts Kohanim 1Koh1m1c eiesslng} ~s,ooo Dedications of letters can be made Choice of Dedication . Vaylchtov- E• HaTorah - -2.3 Mkklos _\Attributes of Meri;y) 15,000 t5,ooo to honor names of family members, :RefuBh Shelelmah \Get Well) {Num, 12:13) Maftlr Parahas Zachor special occasions, or in memory of 45,000 !R' Moshe ztTs yahrtzeit) is,ooo loved ones. ~mount$ Please mail to: Beth Medraah L 'Torah Y'lloloah Toras Chaim Project 145 East Broadway, New York, NY 10002. Call of Fax: 212·387-0336 BATIS NEJMAN BEnSROEL Rabbi Mordechai Biser JNRLOm BRIJIJ THE fORMAL llADllACllA t seem s that rently handling about and divorce have not reached epidemic there might be a twenty cases a month.2 proportions in our community. Indeed, I problem with These are mostly the state of shalom bayis in the To rah shalom bayis in our women who are com world still stands in stark contrast to that community. We fre ing in for counseling as of the secular world, where it is expect quently see posters, in to how to deal with ed that half of all marriages will end in Brooklyn at least, their abusive husbands. divorce or separation.5 We have much to announcing a shiur by The Jewish Board of be proud 0£ And even those who deal ·t yet another prominent Family Services of mostly with the problems - such as Dr. 1 j Rav on the topic of Boro Park has a Shimon Russell of Lakewood, who daily l marriage and shalom bayis. Each month, monthly caseload of about 350 indi receives calls dealing with shalom bayis j i in these very pages, there is an ad for a viduals and families, and the Board's - agree that the majority of us are living · l l domestic abuse hot line. We hear; here and staff estimates that over 50% of these in at least "tolerable" marriages. But fo r there, of yet another young couple getting cases have shalom bayis problems.3 All the growing minority whose shalom bayis divorced, of yet another /rum family break of these numbers represent but a small is less than tolerable, something has gone ing up. The at-risk teen problem is grow fraction of all marriages, but they are wrong. Why is this happening, and ing, and without presuming to explain it, disturbing statistics nonetheless. what can we do about it? all agree that one of the probable causes is I then made a ro und of calls to some a lack ofs halom bayis in many homes. The of the major mesadrei gittin (rabbis who WHO'S TO BLAME nwnber ofunmarri ed older singles appears administer religious divorces) in the also to be growing, and some suggest that New York area. Not a comprehensive he suggestions as to who and attitudes toward and expectations of mar survey, just a half-dozen phone calls in what are to blame for the partial riage may be contributing to the problem. which I tallied up hundreds of gittin in Tbreakdown in shalom bayis vary, I saw no firm statistics, no conclusive sur our community in the past year alone.'1 and everyone can find their favorite tar veys; only the perception that something is No wonder that there are support get. Unrealistic expectations of marriage wrong. groups for young divorced women in fueled by misleading messages from the both Brooklyn and Monsey! Rabbi 5 Natio nal Center for Health Statistics, UFirst Mar .. ' A GROWING PROBLEM Aryeh Ralbag, Dayan on the Beis Din of l riage Dissolution, Divorce and Remarriage: l the Agudas HaRabonim and one of the United States:· Advance Data No. 323, May 31, i decided to investigate. I started with leading mesadrei gittin for yeshivishe 2001. Il those domestic abuse hotline ads, couples, confirms that, "in the past few j J and found that the Shalom Task years there has been a large explosion of j ·~ I ~ Force now receives several calls a day, gittin in the frum community." And, he · ! every day, from women who need adds, "there is much more of a shalom 1 1 someone to talk with. This translates bayis problem out there than the num- 1 into several h undred calls a year. The ber of gittin indicate." j l Task Force directed me to Ohel, which At this point it must be said that severe 1 ,,j has a domestic abuse project that is cur- s_h_a~~m_b_ay!~~~~bie~~~-~:~_tic_~~~-s_e , I 3 Faye Wilbur, C.S.W. md Dr. Mark Kleinman, 1 Rabbi Biser, an alumnus of Yeshiva Rabbi I l Director, Boro Park Jewish Board of Family and l Chaim Berlin and a part-time member of Kol Children's Services. J le! Bnei lorah in Flatbush. is Associate General I j Counsel of Agudath Israel o f America, gives occa ~ 4 Rabbi Aryeh Ralbag reports handling over l 00 sional shiurim to clwssanim and older singles on gittin a year; Rabbi Shlomo Herbst, Beth Din J' JJ l marriage and shalom bayis, and tries to be a good Tzedek of America, the Rabbinical Council of i husband. America, Rabbi Kurzrock of the Igud HaRabon I 1 Lisa Twerski, C.S.W., Director of Training and im, Rabbi Peretz Steinberg of Queens, Rabbi Special Projects, Shalom Task Force. Elimelech Bluth of the Beis Din of Flatbush, all l 2 Esther Katz, C.S. W. , Coordinator, Ohel's report gittin in growing numbers. I thank Dr. ! Domestic Abuse Program. Isaac Skolnick of Kayama fo r providing me with the list of major mesadrin. f The Jewish Observer, Summer 2001 47 I media. A decline in basic derech eretz. Yes, it is easy to chalk the growing education and shalo111 bayis classes for The financial pressures of trying to keep shalom bayis problem up to the perni dating singles and engaged and newly up with an upper-middle-class lifestyle cious influence of the broader society n1arried couples. on a lower-middle-class budget. Inter and the ti1nes in y..rhich we live. In a ference from parents and in-la\VS. 1'\T, country in which "divorced" is the A SOLUTION: FORMAL HADRACHA 7 the Internet, the ever-present "street." fastest growing inarital status1 it is to Sin1ply living in the n1idst of a secular be expected that some of the outlooks n previous generations, such train society that has accepted soaring divorce and attitudes of those around us \¥ould ing and preparation can1e fron1 the rates as con11nonplace. niake their way into even the n1ost insu I hon1e. No matter ho\v effective our In his booklet to kallos, Rabbi Shlo lated of homes. But blaming the prob shalon1 bayis curriculu1n, the home mo Wolbe, ,..··i;»'n>, suggests that it is not lem on our galus does not absolve us will remain the basic training ground for just the secular culture around us, but fro1n searching for solutions. When it marriage and life itself. But Rabbi the very affluence and ease of modern comes to suggesting what could be done Chaim Friedlander,?··~. former Mash living that in its own way has con to alleviate the gro\ving breakdown in giach of Ponevezh Yeshiva, explains that tributed to the increase in don1estic ten shalom bayis, the yeshiva tnashgichin1, in our ti1nes this is no longer sufficient, sion. [Segments of the booklet appear rabbanfrn, mesadrei gittin, therapists, and and insists that today Y11e need fonnal earlier in these pages.] As Rabbi Wolbe other interviewed for this article all guidance in this area: v..rrites: speak with one voice. No need here for "Our young people are not used to "Young people get married, never any intensive "studies," and yet no dealing with the difficulties that pre having gotten accustomed to standing throwing up the hands in surrender at vious generations were tested with, and up to tension and struggle, and exer the onslaught that this gal us is making therefore they are Jess equipped to cising self-control, and suddenly they in our n1ost holy of institutions. Every withstand difficult circumstances. In find then1selves in a turbulent vortex one I spoke y..rith concurred that the tin1e our time everything has to happen of difficulties- and they imagined they has come for so1nething so simple, so quickly- we want fast results and don't would find in their homes only delight very basic, that one wonders \vhy it does want to rely on patience. We are and a safe harbor from problems!"6 n't exist everyvvhere already: 1narriage accustomed to a spirit of abundance, r.------~ an era of easy living and siinple solu tions, and aren't prepared to restrain ARE Yao IVIDIZINB? ourselves until after tin1e a solution will be found. If a young couple IS YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS PRINTED receives everything on a silver platter, INCORRECTLY ON THE JO MAILING LABEL? this only feeds their egoism and the feeling that 'everything is due and com We need your help to ensure proper delivery of the Jewish Observer to your home. ing to me.' This diminishes each one's Please attach current mailing label in the space below, or print clearly your address and computer processing numbers that are printed above your name on the address label. desire to do things for the other and their willingness to give in. For these reasons a lot of guidance is important before marriage, and experience has shown the great benefit of doing so." 8 Affix old label here Rabbi Shlomo Herbst, another rnesader gittin, provides support for Rabbi Friedlander's observations when Name ______he reports a recent upsurge in what he calls "quick gittin" - couples who have New Address been n1arried for only a fe\V 1nonths who City, mutually decide to get divorced. 9 These ------State, ______Zip 6 n1~'7 i1:J1"TI1 'D'1Vllj7, pp. 30-31. i U.S. Bureau of the Census, Current Population Date Effective ------ Reports, "Marital Status and Living Arrange- Send address The Jewish Observer 1ncnts: March 1996." changes to: Change of Address 8 Rabbi Chain1 Friedlander's booklet for chas 42 Broadway, 14th Floor, New York, NY 10004 sani1n, 17i1N017v'=ll"l))"'M, p. 10 (cn1phasis added). Please allow 4-6 weeks for al! changes to be reflected on your mailing label. We will not 9 Rabbi Herbst refuses to handle such cases, but L ------be responsible for back issues missed unless you notify us 6 weeks prior to your move. .J they jtist go elsc\vhere for their get. 48 The Jewish Observer, Summer 2001 are young people who haven't even tried daily interactions, that just a mere intimate details of married life. But in to work on themselves and their mar ignorance of not knowing how to han the United States, formal hadracha for riage, perhaps because they were sim dle simple situations or what to expect chassanim and kal/os in the area of ply never taught that a Torah marriage when something comes up, can chas shalom bayis is hard to find. Is it any requires giving, sacrifice, and sharing. v'shalom disrupt shalon-J bayis. Even wonder we are experiencing a growing Rabbi Friedlander thus urged that after marriage, couples are ignorant of shalom bayis problem? formal hadracha is needed for chassan the simple ABC's-what are their goals irn and kallos in our tin1e. "In order to in marriage, what does it mean to be WHO SHOULD OFFER SHIURIM? build a home ... a chassan needs to pre one - (v'hayu l'bassar echad.' VVhat is pare himself, to learn well his role in the concept of love, how to develop o should offer such shiurim? building the home, and to know his obli love, how to rebuke a spouse if you ome suggest that yeshivas and gations toward his future wife, especially have to, how to quarrel with him or W eminaries the1nselves should to recognize her nature and her desires. her. If you don't know these, it is like provide this hadracha. There are sever He should know what difficulties are driving a car without even reading the al yeshivas that have shiurim on shalom likely to arise, in order to prevent them instructions. Worse than this are the bayis, 14 but in most, the closest to for from starting and - if they do occur - secular ideas that permeate our minds, mal hadracha is at best a brief"chassan to be prepared to eliminate them while either directly or indirectly through shnzuess" from the Mashgiach. Yeshivas they are still fresh." 1° Kallas also need the media, and eventually penetrate could consider instituting a series of spe such hadracha, continues Rabbi Fried the back door of our brains. The whole cial shiurini for bachurim \Vho have lander, and with it, the couple can begin secular idea of marriage is a life of begun the shidduch process, for chas to achieve success and fulfillment in desire, of 'what's in it for me.' They sanim prior to marriage, and for kollel marriage from the very first steps they enter marriage as takers, and they are yungeleitin their shana rishona (first year take under the chupa." immediately starting out their mar of marriage). The content of these shi Rabbi Chaim Morgenstern, who riage on the wrong foot." 12 urim could be drawn exclusively from received hadracha from Rabbi Moshe Rabbi Shach, N"\:"?v, recognized the divrei Chazal and the writings of Gedolei Aharon Stern, 7":.it, and who has been "great need" 13 for dissemination of the Yisroel, thus amply justifying their inclu giving chassan classes and shiuriln on writings of Rabbi Friedlander, and due sion in the yeshiva ''curriculun1." 15 shalom bayis to newly-married couples in part to the Rosh Yeshiva's encour in Israel for many years, echoes the call age1nent there are now shiurin1 for chas of Rabbi Friedlander: saninz in Ponovezh Yeshiva and e1se "The first key before we start off \Vhere in Israel that discuss the most marriage, for success, is proper 14 A good nlodc! is Ner Yisrocl in Baltin1ore, hadracha. Both the husband and the 'vhere the Mashgiach Rabbi Moshe Eisen1ann wife, either as chassan and kalla or (and others) nieets with and advises bachurim after they are married, must have guid who have started dating, and has a \veekly vaad ance from a bar samcha [a reliable for yungeleitin shana rishona. The tahnidim raise, f9f:t!Jf.age.gffio1J$\c•.•· ; discuss, and get advice on issues of dating and fo:r the Orthodox Jewish commollity, Torah guidej. Rabbi Wosner in Bnei marriage frorn a Torah perspective. In Lakewood, Brak said 90% of the marriage prob Rabbi Baruch Eli Goldschtnidt, '?":iT, author of Rabbinical references available lems would be solved if husbands and an excellent kuntres on shalotn bayis (:J;v'?:JV, of Home: (718) 338-1765 wives would have the proper hadracha which an English adaptation- Dear Son-is being prepared for publication), and a book for Pager: (917) 486-5655 before they are married. It is never too won1en as \'\'ell (Dear Daughter, reviewed else late. Even if we did not have the prop where in these pages, available at 1nost Jewish er hadracha beforehand, we have to get bookstores), used to conduct weekly vaadim (dis some type of hadracha afterwards. cussion groups) with yu11geleit, Other yeshivas could learn inuch fro1n these successful Marriage is so complicated, with many approaches. 15 lfl 1'nN Cl'Jitl ':! nln'l, p. 9. One approach might be to offer a series of night seder shiurint (e.g. once a week for six weeks or 11 ibid., p. 10. so), to bachuriln \vho are about to or who have 12 Taped lecture, "Making Your Marriage Work" started dating. These shiurim could be given dur (emphasis added). Rabbi i\1orgenstern's excel ing winter 2111an and then again after Pesach. lent series of audio tapes (8 for chassanifn and 8 Chassanin1 could also attend such shiurim, 'vith for kallos) can be obtained by calling Rabbi Mor follow-up shiurim for kolkl yungeleit in shana rishona. Those recently inarried could also be genstern directly at Ol I-972-8-974-1229. ~lox~: sflHIYinl'lhe encouraged to make sefari111 on shalo1n bayis the Staten lslarid, guidelines for 13 i?;iN 017'!.i "::! J1Vi"1, Haskanw frotn Rabbi focus of their daily 1n11ssar seder. In this way, n1ost NY 10309 getting married. Shach. of our bnei Torah will be reached. The Jewish Observer, Summer 2001 49 The mesadrei gittin underscore the II \Vords that cause her pain. 20 importance of teaching bachurim the • A husband should not impose exces fundamentals of shalom bayis. For \ A fnen a bachur sive fear in his ho1ne.21 example, Rabbi Peretz Steinberg, who approaches his • A husband must love his wife like him has been n1esader gittin in Queens for V V self and honor her more than himself'2• over fifteen years - and novv writes Rosh Yeshiva to be his • He should be careful with her honor between 50 and I 00 git tin a year - says because beracha is only found in a hon1e that in his vie\v, "in many cases the prob mesader kiddushin, he because of the wife. 23 lem is that the husbands never learned • Speak with her gently and do not how to treat their wives." Rabbi Ralbag should be required to exhibit depression or anger in her pres concurs, and says that there are young ence. 24 men in our circles who "don't appear to receive hadracha. .. if • "And he shall make his wife happy." 2s have learned the basic halachos and we don't want him to • A husband should listen to his wife in divrei Chazal on inarriage and shalom 1natters relating to the hon1e, and some bayis, such as inP ili:i.:nJ end up before long in say relating to worldly matters in gen 1~ur.i (he should honor her more than eral. 26 himself)." 16 The time has arrived that front of a mesader gittin. • A wife should honor her husband when a bachur approaches his Rosh greatly ... he should be in her eyes like Yeshiva to be his mesader kiddushin, he II a prince or a king. 27 should be required to receive • A proper wife does the will of her hadracha ... if we don't want him to end A SHALOM BAY!SCURRICULUM husband.28 up before long in front of a mesader git The next step could be the excellent tin. If yeshivas do not wish to formally hat would be the content of kuntreisim (booklets) of Rabbi Chaim provide such shiuriln, bachuriln should such shalo1n bayis shiurhn? Friedlander, ':>"~T, 29 and Rabbi Shlomo be encouraged to get proper hadracha W They might start with the Wolbe, N"t?~';,-o. 30 These contain divrei from yeshiva rebbe'im or local rabban basics - the obligations the Torah places Chazal and advice from Gedolei Yisroel, im outside of the framework of the Beis on husbands and \Vives. I-Iere are just a including the Chazon Ish and the Midrash. few, which should be expounded upon Steipler, on the subject of shana rishona, By the same token, seminaries both with practical examples: shalom bayis, and the goals of a Jewish in Israel and in the United States should • "Her food, clothing, and conjugal inarriage.31 The topics discussed include devote part of the last few months of the rights17 he shall not diminish." 18 understanding the differences betvveen school year to preparing their students • A husband should always be careful men and won1en, how to make each for dating and marriage. Ideally, prop to try to provide sufficient sustenance other happy, how to handle financial erly trained kalla teachers should follow for his household, since lacks in this 1natters, hovv to properly criticize one's this up with classes on shalom bayisdur area are a 1najor cause of shalon1 bayis spouse and ho\v to argue, intimacy and ing the engagement period. problems. 19 love, balancing responsibilities to home, • A husband should be very careful learning, and work, and dealing with about causing emotional pain to his parents and in-laws. Although this is not Digest of Meforshim vi.rife, because she is more easily hurt. the place to expound at length upon the <>v1p? in::i <>v1v7 Rashi explains this as referring to using ideas presented in these writings, just a 16 ':>"lit 1J.JV'm 'm1r.l1!' l"l1T.1r.l ·::l'D n1r.o'. See also lV j71!l nlt!T'N rn:i7ii D"::lr.l1 24 V' i1::J'7n l'O p1£I nlt!T'N n1:i7i1 o~::ir.11. See also .A'Vailable at V' i1::J?i"l . ·T7I'O'I!' and t 1"V'l. 17 Good luidracha is often sorely lacking ln this 25 i1.UD'1:1.1. See Rashi. The Torah does not 111ean LEKUTEI area. lvlany of those interviewed for this article he should be happy ·with her (as the Targum of clo Yitzchok Rosenberg pointed to this as a inajor source of sha/o1n hayis R. Yonason ben Uziel says), but that he should S11u1 1445 54th proble111s. This is obviously not a n1atter for tapes rnake her happy. I Brooklyn, NY 1219-4228 and books, but for proper hadraclw for chassanim 26 VJ Nl''~r.l N::l:l. 718-851-5298 and kallos fron1 a proper teacher. 27 V\ il:i7il 1v i71!l n1V'N nt:im o"::in1. 18 20 Volumes on Torah, Perek, Medrash, '.N::Jnlr.l\V. 28 \? j71!l i1J.1 li1'7N ':li Nln. 19 · Vl N).1':::l)':) N::l::l. Megilos, Talmud, and Tehilim. 29 17i1N 01.,v ':! nvi'l 20 ·Vl NV'::lr.l N:J.::1. Proceeds of s;iles distributL·d ;iinong 30 tl'Jnri7 n:i1m ~1r.lN)':) and n1.,:i7 i1:111i1 Pl1VJlf.'. 21 Yeshivas and used for reprinting of :l 1'1"l. See Rashi and Maharal for a detailed 51 Unfortunately these are not to n1y knowledge volu111es out-of-print explanation. currently available in sefarim stores in the Unit 22 ·::ip nir.i::i'. See also V' i1:J'7n 11' i71!! 111-V'N n1:i?ii PRICE: $8.00 PER VOLUME ed States; for inforn1ation about how to obtain o":n:n. then1, call Rabbi Chaiin Morgenstern in Israel al 23 ·Vl NV'::lr.l N::l::l. 011-972-8-974-1229. 50 The Jewish Observer, Summer 2001 few glimpses should give the reader an yourselves to each other? First of all, now needs to change direction and indication of the powerful impact they with patience. When the differences worry about his wife, her physical and could have on the shalom bayis of our and conflicts in your natures and views emotional needs. This re-orientation generation: begin to reveal themselves - sometimes requires him to focus on improving his almost immediately after the chasuna middos, especially to abandon his "My Dear Chassan ... " - do not be afraid that your world is narrow self-centeredness, and to destroyed .... Know with a certainty acquire for himself the trait of chessed From Rabbi Wolbe: that you have been given the ability to - of concern for another. Every "The Chazon !sh writes that 'her overcome the difficulties in your rela improvement in our middos brings us nature is to get pleasure from finding tionship."34 an additional improvement in our favor in her husband's eyes, and she "There is a major principle that the shared lives, in the home we are estab always looks to him.' This requires con couple needs to adopt if they want to lishing with Hashem's help."39 stant attention. She puts on a dress, be happy: under no circumstances to "It is very difficult for a wife to and hopes for a good word from her discuss matters between them to manage the burdens of the home when husband. She puts on a snood, and another person! This is the exclusive she sees that her husband has aban hopes she will find favor in his eyes. domain of the couple that no one else doned her to her own devices, and that If he doesn't see it at all, or it doesn't should be allowed to enter .... If there the housework and all of her tasks do not matter to him if the garment is blue arises a question about these matters, interest him at all, as if they are only rel or green, she will be sad. She works to turn to the only proper person: a Rav evant to some foreign realm. In such a prepare a dish that he likes. Ifhe swal or Gadol from whom one can receive case, the burden weighs on her very lows it down in a manner that he can advice and assistance."35 heavily, and she can collapse under the barely remember what he ate, and thus "'The honor of the King's daugh load, G-d forbid. On the other hand, the can't compliment her for it, she feels ter is an inner one."'36 For the honor mere interest alone of her husband is suf cheated. Something needs to be fixed of the King's daughter, there needs to ficient to lighten her burden, and his in the home and he ignores it. She be an inner outlook! ... This inner out 52 C'lnn7 n:nm rn:iNr.:i, pp. 2-3. hangs a picture on the wall, she places look doesn't see the elegant furniture J-1 ibid., p. 3. a bouquet of flowers on the table. She in the neighbor's homes, the beautiful .'14 rn7:i';on:rrrn01wnp, pp. 23-24. does it all for him, and he doesn't see dresses of her friend, or the jewelry 35 ibid., pp. 59-60. it! Little by little she comes to feel that that sparkles on the teacher's neck. She J6 Tl .nr.:i D"7,nn her husband isn't interested in the mat has an inner happiness that is worth J? "It is understood that we are not against her ten ters of the home that for her is the more than all physical wealth." 37 dency to set up the home in good taste ... but all essence of her life. From these little 1nust be within the boundaries of what is reason ably affordable." mti? m11i1 Pl1Vllj7. pp. 39-40. things there develops over time a dis More to the Young Man ... 38 "tr.1N Cl';oy,J ':J nV1'l, p. 35. tance and a separation between them, 39 ibid., pp. I0-12. until each is living his and her own sep From Rabbi Friedlander: arate life!"32 "Rabbi Dessler writes in Michtav VISITING NY? "The way a woman thinks is dif M'Eliyahu that love is an outcome of MIDWOOD ferent from a man; her manner of giving. Through giving and providing GUEST SUITES reacting is completely different from kindness, one connects to the receiv Ave. J, Brooklyn a man's. No matter how much he tries er with bonds of love, and the more 718-253-9535 to convince her to accept his way of one gives, the more one creates a thinking and to admit that his man greater love. This concept should be ner of dealing with things is better, he studied well and should be a perma will not be successful. He needs to nent guideline for one's married life." 38 1" Invei learn about these differences, make "We need to know that most of the peace with them, and learn how to bear difficulties of shalom bayis flow from B~"c Hagefen them .... All the things that she does the nature of a person, his middos, and [cCJ'cr that are strange or that anger us are his essence .... Certainly it is not easy ('~(.. ( The Shidduch service tests for us. We must be patient and to change. But this is the purpose of for older singles gentle and not get angry."33 our lives. As the Gra explains, 'All avo ti..l {~ A project of N'shei hangs on improving one's das Hashem Agudath Israel with "My Dear Kalla ... " middos [and] ... the essence of life is Agudath Israel of America to constantly strengthen and improve 6619 13th Avenue, Brooklyn, NY 11219 ('How do you arrive at adapting one's middos.' ... A student in yeshiva ... Tel. (718) 256-7525 •Fax (718) 256-7578 The Jewish Observer, Summer 2001 51 offer to come to her assistance is a source after careful review, and then be distrib of the shiurim and taped lectures should of satisfaction and encouragement to uted to all prospective teachers. Ideally, insist on this point. Each situation is dif her, and many times she then doesn't training courses for chassan and kalla ferent, and the general advice offered in insist on his help at all. In the days of teachers should also be provided by classes may not always be the best solu mourning of the Steipler, it was told over those with special expertise in shalom bayis tion for an individual couple. But the for that one time his wife went to sleep very matters. mal shiuri1n are necessary in order to teach tired, without washing the dishes. Late In addition to this "core curriculu1n" the basics and explain to their listeners just that night, he entered the kitchen and for bnei Torah in yeshivas, seminaries, and how important such ongoing guidance is. washed the dishes, because he knew that kollelim, there should also be two or three The problem today is not that couples are his wife would be very happy in the variants for use with other audiences, such only getting their marriage education from morning to find a clean and organized as working singles and couples. One way tapes and books, it is that many of them kitchen. It is also told that when an avre to insure n1axi1nun1 iinpact along with a aren't getting any hadracha at all. ich, a great masrnid, came to him in order consistent message to those who are not to ask about his learning schedule, the in yeshivas or seminaries, would be to pre COMBATING CHILLUL HASHEM Steipler asked him if from time to time pare complete shiuri1n on video or audio he helped his wife in time of need:'10 tapes.41 A good model for the success of n doing the background research for video lectures are Agudath Israel's Yorn this article, I heard some angry voic DEVELOPING AND PRESENTING Iyun shiurim and the Chofetz Chaim Her I es from the left, blaming yeshivas and THE CURRICULUM itage Foundation's Tisha B'Av presenta the Torah itself for the shalom bayis cri tions, which annually reach thousands of sis. "They learn all day in their Genwras bviously, many yeshivas, semi Jews in cities throughout the world. that women are like property, and you naries, and shuls 1nay wish to use Enlisting prominent speakers to present expect then1 to treat their wives nicely?" Othese and other sources to devel these audio and video shalom bayis class "If he says 'shelo asani isha' every morn op their own curriculum. But I humbly es will help insure a larger and broader ing, what do you think his view of suggest that providing these institutions audience, and will make it easier for shuls women is going to be?" While this sort of with fully prepared shiurim to present to and community organizations to provide open criticism, based on ignorance, is rel their lecturers would make it much easi hadracha to all in need. atively rare, it lurks subtly and implicitly er for them to implement this proposal. It must be emphasized that taped lec behind some of the comments that I heard A small team of those knowledgeable in tures and books and sefarin1 cannot and from those in the "therapeutic" profes this field should be assembled - perhaps should not ever serve as a substitute for sions. "'fhey learn to interrupt their under the auspices of Agudath Israel of one's personal Rav or Rebbe for guidance chavrusa when they are learning, but they America - to prepare a package of six to in this area. It is essential for every cou need to learn not to do this with their eight shiurim, complete \Vith sources and ple to have someone they agree upon to wives:' was a choice quote at a meeting of illustrative anecdotes, that could receive the provide them with continued hadracha in frum mental health professionals:" appropriate haskamos (approbations) building their bayis ne'eman. Indeed, all These and other co1nn1ents point to a serious by-product of the shalom bayis You can! Just call problem: a Chillul Hashem of great pro The Vitti Leibel portions. Even those in our «can1pn seem ''1 wish I could to be suggesting, ever so gently, that yeshiv Helpline. as and seminaries are somehow part of the HOURS: problem, and tlms by implication that our speak to a Monday-Friday ...... 8am -12pn1 Torah has somehow failed in this crucial Monday-Thursday ...... 8pm -11 pn1 area of human relations. Sunday ...... 9am -12pm, 9pm -l lpn1 -- --· ------frum therapist Extra hours Sat. night ..... 7pm - 9pm 40 ibid., p. 52. 41 Sec note 12 above for inforn1ation on an ;;'»'~718-HELP-NOW already-existing tape series. It~- (718) 435-7669 on the phone 42 On this point, Rabbi Friedlander writes, "Chaz Chicago ...... (800) HELP-023 al taught us to 'honor her more than yourself.' Lakewood ...... (732) 363-1010 You can't speak with your wife the way you are Cleveland ...... (888) 209-8079 accuston1ed to speaking with your chavrusa. For without giving Baltimore ...... (410) 578-1111 cxan1pk, you 1night say to him in the heat of Detroit ...... (877) 435-7611 Torah argument, 'you're speaking foolishness' or San Diego ...... (866) 385-0348 'don't confuse 1ne with your faulty logic,' and the For addiction problen1s call our addiction like. Rather, when speaking with one's wife, he my name.'' needs to be 1nore careful - n1ore than with hi1n thera ist, Wednesda s 11 :30 m to I :30am self." ,.,.,N D'l':r\?J ':I nv-P1, p. 22. 52 The Jewish Observer, Summer 2001 By not addressing the problem, we only tually recognized the need to get hadracha habonim. As the Steipler used to say, suc contribute, albeit unwillingly, to the on marriage and made a daily seder for cess in child rearing is 50% tefilla and 50% Ghillul Hashem of failed marriages among myself in sefarim on marriage and shalom shalom bayis. the best families in our community. bayis, and found a rebbe to help guide me Those who hear and see the results are say with dating. Less than a year later, I met ATIMETOACT ing to themselves, my eishes chayil-to-be. In my shana ris "Woe to this one who learned Torah, hona, I made a daily seder with a bachur erely exposing about-to-be woe to his father who taught him Torah, in his late thirties in which we learned married young men and woe to his Rebbe who taught him Torah. Rabbi Friedlander's booklet together. We M women and newly-married This person who learned Torah, see how learned about the husband's role in a Jew couples to the words and ideas contained destructive are his deeds, and how ugly ish ~arriage as a giver, as one whose avoda in the sources cited above will surely have are his ways." 43 is to eftrive to fulfill his wife's emotional and a beneficial impact on their shalom bayis. How ironic that the Torah, which pro oilier needs. Despite other "strikes" against When complemented with memorable vides the world with the Creator's instruc hiin besides his age, this bachur got true stories and specific examples, these tions for happy and fulfilling marriage, engaged about a year later and is now hap divrei Ghazal can help transform the way should be so denigrated and mocked! The pily married. If nothing else, these exam a chassan and kalla approach marriage. Gemora, replete with beautiful divrei ples should demonstrate that learning what Our Torah truly contains all we need to Ghazal about how spouses should treat Hashenz wants fro1n us in marriage is a know to solve the growing problem of each other, is seen as causing shalf}m bayis powerful segula for finding one's basherrl poor domestic harmony in our commu problems rather than contributing to their Preventive Medicine for Teens "At nity; let's start teaching it! solution. If for no other reason than this, Risk": \Nhile there is no consensus as to Our goal should be that formal I would humbly suggest that it is time to the underlying reasons for the growing hadracha for marriage be available in every start teaching our bnei Torah what Ghaz number of teens "at risk," most agree that major community, and that all major al, Rishonim, and Gedolim and in many cases, poor shalom bayis in the yeshivas and seminaries encourage their Mashgichin1 of recent years, have to say child's home is certainly a major factor. We talmidim and ta/midas to receive this valu about marriage. have begun as a community, throughout able guidance. Then, with Hashem's help, the country, to grapple with this problem both those inside our community and ADDITIONAL ADVANTAGES OF FORMAL and try to help these troubled youths and without will look at the shalom bayis that HAD RA CHA their families. But our most effective exists in the hon1es of our bnei Torah, and approach should surely be preventive- to say of each, Powerful KiruvTool: Presenting the try to create warm, loving, and support "Fortunate is his father who taught Torah's approach to shalom bayis ive Torah homes at the very beginning of him Torah, fortunate is his Rebbe who As an extraordinarily powerful a couple's marriage. Forn1al hadracha in taught him Torah! Woe to those people kiruvtool, given the failure of marriage in marriage and shalom bayis should of who don't learn Torah! This one who the modern world. Mini-shiurirn on course be supplemented after marriage learned Torah, see how pleasant are his 44 shalom bayis could thus be given by the \Vith parenting classes, but parenting ways, how correct are his deeds." • various kiruv programs, leading toward classes alone will do little to help without classes for couples in Iaharas Hamish the solid foundation of shalom bayis, H ·1!1 l'ID1'. 44 pacha as an integral part of the "Manu which is a prerequisite for proper chinuch ·'t!l Ntl1'. facturer's Instructions" for a successful, happy, and fulfilling marriage. Even Getting Stuck In Traffic Can Become a Pleasure Addressing the Singles' Crisis: Shalom If You And Your Famil Are Listenin To .... bayis shiurim for older singles would also help address the "singles' crisis." My expe rience at presenting this information at singles events and in counseling older sin 1. Boruch Learns His Brochos io. The Miraculous l.. Boruch Learns about Menorah gles is that it can have a profound impact Shabbos 11. The Longest Pesach 3. Boruch Makes a Simcha 11. A Ton Of Mon on their whole approach to dating and .4.The Incredible Dreidel of i3. Where's Zaidy marriage. As one older single told me after hearing my talk on shalom bayis and on ~111~~;~:~.~:r~:~~~::k· ::;:;~~~; ~:«::,::g" the differences between men and women, 7. when Zaidy was Young 16. Zaidy's Great Idea (tale one) 17. The Daring Disguise "You have no idea how much this will help 8. When Zaidy was Young 18.There's Zaidy! (plus a me with my dating:' (tale two) music free edition!) As a former older single myself, I even- 9.The Royal Rescue CAii 718-871-0S21 foR fuRTHER ( : ."TApES CAN bE pllRCHAsEd AT youR \OCAI JudAicA STORE. The Jewish Observer, Summer 200 7 53 BAns NE'MAN BEnsROEL Dr. Rashi Shapiro & Dr. Meir Wikler IMPROVING MARITAL COMMUNICATION While many couples find satisfaction and fulfillment in marriage, some experience tension and conflict. But just about all marriages can benefit from improved communication. In the following article, two marriage counselors open the doors of their consultation rooms to share their approach to helping couple in distress, from which any couple can glean practical techniques to improve their communication skills at home ne evening, not long ago, Tuvia bauxns needed more than arbitration. helping couples overcome longstanding, and Chani Kleinbaum (not seemingly irreconcilable differences 0 their real names) arrived late for ARBITRATION VERSUS MEDIATION with each other. their first appointinent. 1Uvia's anxious While there are at least as many clin face revealed that he preferred to be any asically, there are two peaceful, civil ical strategies to mediate marital con where else. Chani, also not a happy methods available to resolve con flicts today as there are diets, our expe camper, looked less than enthusiastic Bflicts: arbitration and nlediation. In rience has shown that when couples about needing to be there. arbitration, the two sides present their improve their com1nunication skills, The Kleinbaums were referred for arguments to a third party who sits in they can then successfully resolve their marriage counseling by their Rav who judgment and then hands down a com current differences with each other. Fur had been offering them guidance and promise which must be accepted by both thermore, they are also able to settle hadracha for the past two months. When sides. This is what happens in a beis din future disputes without needing any making the referral, the Rav reported or, l'havdi~ in a court. Rabbanim and mar additional counseling. that, in spite of the considerable time riage counselors also may use this method and effort he had invested in trying to when consulted by a couple experiencing THE NEED FOR IMPROVED help this young couple, they were quar marital distress. They will listen to both COMMUNICATION relling n1ore than ever. spouses and then offer a compromise. The Rav had listened to the Kleinbaum's Very often this is helpful. Sometimes, as he 1nost frequent complaints we bitterly expressed differences on many with the Kleinbanms, it is not. hear from husbands and \/\rives are, issues, including how their Shabbos meals In inediation, the tvvo sides also meet T"(S)he never listens to me!" or, should be conducted. He had counseled with a third party, but the role of the "(S)he just can't understand how I really them for many hours and even advised third party is different. The function of feel!" In order to address these complaints them on how long to sit at the table, what the mediator is not to suggest what the and resolve the aggravating differences foods to serve, and \.vhich Z'miros to sing. compromise should be, but to help the between spouses, we coach couples in Nevertheless, the Rav explained, the two sides con1municate until they arrive marital co1nmunication. It sometimes Kleinbaums continued to bicker through at their own con1promise. l'his process requires many weeks for husbands and out the counseling sessions and at hon1e. may take longer than arbitration, but the \¥ives to unlearn old, destructive habits, Clearly, the Rav concluded, the Klein- resolution is often 1nore 1nutually and then learn nevv, effective co1nmuni acceptable, as well as more permanent. cation skills of listening and speaking. Dr. Rashi Shapiro, a clinical psychologist in private practice, was a Rabbi in Miaini Beach, a Founder In 1narriage counseling - whether We believe that all couples, even those and Director of the Institute frlr Technological Psy conducted by a Rav or a therapist- arbi with satisfactory marriages, can take the chology, and no\v lives in Brooklyn, N.Y. tration, nlediation, or a combination of following steps to achieve improve- Dr. Meir Wikler, a fonncr Professor at the both methods may be used. Most mar 1nent, not only in marriage, but also in VVurzweiler School of Social \Vork, is now a psy chotherapist and fan1ily counselor in private prac riage counselors agree that the media relationships with children, friends and tice. He lives in Brooklyn, N.Y. tion approach is particularly effective in coworkers. We have developed this pro- 54 The Jewish Observer, Summer 2001 gram in consultation with each other, eye contact and resist the impulse to spouse. And since statistics show that and have used and refined it in our interrupt him or her. nearly one out of every two marriages respective offices, counseling hundreds "But what if I have to correct her?" in the United States ends in divorce, then of couples of all ages. Tuvia asked. "Can't I interrupt just to set divorce is also "normal." the record straight?" Normal marital communication, I. LISTENING Since their home and our offices are then, is when two people speak back and not courtrooms, there is no need "to I forth to each other, with gradually ris- ne of the finest examples of establish the facts of the case." What is [ ing voices, each trying to make his or her good listening was set by the late important is each spouse's feelings about point without listening to the other. 0 Rosh Hayeshiva of Yeshivas Net the matter being discussed. And when i1 Good communication, therefore, may sach Yisroel, Rabbi Yisroel Zev Gustman, one is conveying his or her feelings, then not be normal, but it can lead to 7··~r. Each morning, while bachurim corrections, contradictions and clarifi I improved shalom bayis. watched through the beis rnidrash win cations of the "facts" are irrelevant. dow, the Rosh Yeshiva would walk down "But can't I ever explain my point of Step 2: Reflect what you hear. Rechov Ramban to a kiosk in the view? Must I let his distorted account Rechavia section of Yerushalayim to buy stand forever?" Chani asked incredulously. ow does the listener know if his wife a Russian newspaper. And Fri She was told that each spouse would I (s)he really understands what day afternoons, the Rosh Hayeshiva get a turn to be the speaker. But since, I H the speaker just said? Usually, could be seen in his garden, carefully "two voices cannot be accurately heard spouses make assumptions about each picking a single rose, which he would at the same time" (Megilla 2lb), in any other. After living together for five, ten then bring upstairs to his Rebbetzin. But "feeling" communication session, at or twenty years, spouses can fairly well most impressive were the hours that he home or in our offices, only one spouse anticipate what the other is going to say spent in conversation with her. He lis is the speaker and the other is the listener. I even before they speak. In fact, spous tened to her stories and took interest in Hearing these ground rules for the es tend to understand each other cor a wide variety of topics that she dis first time, the Kleinbaums both com rectly about 85% of the time. It is the cussed. plained, "But this is not normal!" remaining 15% that causes all of the The Rosh Hayeshiva was once asked ! In typical Jewish fashion, their ques heartache and misery. how he could fit all this into his busy tion was responded to with another one: The only way to be sure that you fully Torah schedule. He replied by citing the "Would you rather be normal or happy?" understand exactly what was said is to words of Chazal, "If your wife is short, In statistical terms, "normal" means reflect what you heard in your own bend over and talk with her" (Bava Met to be like most other people or to do words. Repeating your spouse's state zia, 59a). By his personal example, the what the majority of others are doing. ments, then, accomplishes two impor Rosh Hayeshiva demonstrated how cru Since recent research shows that most tant communication functions. Firstly, cial good listening skills are to success couples argue, being normal would it insures that you really did understand in marriage. mean having arguments with your l 00% of what was said. If not, you will Step 1: Pay attet1tiot1. he main objectives of good lis tening are for you to understand Twhat your spouse is saying and to ,:,;,:SELECTION OF convey to your spouse that (s)he is being heard. The most ineffective way to BORSJ\LlNO HATS! convince your spouse that (s)he is We Also Carry Expert fitting • Courteous seIVice being heard is by closing your eyes, nod Brand Name ding your head and mumbling, "Yes, I Individualized attention • Hat cleaning & SI.iris & Ties, for understand," or, "I hear you." Big & Tall as well, Renovating • Follow-up care long after sale So the first step is to pay attention. al Discount Prices And you cannot pay proper attention if you are looking away from your spouse or are mentally preparing your next comment or retort. The best procedure for paying atten tion, then, is to face your spouse, make The Jewish Observer, Summer 200 1 55 be corrected by the speaker. Secondly, Step 3: Ask questions. Other good examples of right ques it sends a clear signal to your spouse that tions are: "Could you give me an exam (s)he was, indeed, heard. hile vital to good communi ple?""Why is that so important to you?" Reflecting is accomplished by com cation, reflecting alone will "Suppose I agreed. How would that pleting statements that begin with, "So W not convey to the speaker that make you feel?" and "What would you what you are tel1ing me is ... ," or, "What (s)he was fully understood. In order to have wanted me to do (or say) differ I hear you saying is .... " In order to accomplish that, after your spouse is fin ently?" reflect accurately, either your spouse ished speaking, you must follow up by So many misunderstandings, angry must pause frequently or you must ask asking relevant questions. reactions, and hurt feelings can be your spouse to stop at short intervals. Bear in mind that there are two types avoided if couples would get used to ask Otherwise, you will lose important of questions that could be asked: the ing each other, "What do you mean?" details. When reflecting, it is often bet right ones and the wrong ones. The right This question encourages the speaker to ter to use your own words and not to questions are those designed to help you be more clear about his or her feelings parrot. Repeating word for word can better understand what has already and needs. It can even cause the speak make it sound as if you are only mem been said. l'he vvrong questions are those er to take back abusive or controlling orizing words and not paying attention that represent statements of your feel language, which can be so destructive in to the message. (In some cases, howev ings or opinions disguised as inquiries, a relationship. Other times, being asked er, the speaker is so eager for his/her similar to the kinds of questions lawyers for an explanation can help the speak every word to be heard precisely that it ask upon cross-exan1ination. \Vrong er to clarify him/herself; i.e.: "! didn't may be necessary to repeat verbatim.) questions are often defensive, in that really mean to say that. What I really Many couples ask, "What if I do not they are asked not for the purpose of meant to say was .... " agree to do what (s)he is asking of me? understanding the speaker but for exon As a general rule, open-ended ques If! reflect, won't that appear as if I have erating the listener. A good example of tions such as the 5 W's (Who?, What?, consented to the request?" a defensive question is, "But don't you When?, Where?, and Why?) together No, not at all. Reflecting is not agree also do that to me?" with a How?, will allow the speaker to ment. Just because you have acknowledged One of the best examples of right fill in all the needed information. what your spouse wants or how your questions is, "What do you n1ea11 by Here is an example of good listening. spouse feels does not obligate you to sat that?" All too often we think we under Speaker: You always come home so isfy the request or validate the feeling. We stand, but really do not have a full appre late from shul. have found, however, that once couples ciation of the speaker's intent. Another Listener: You feel that I always come fully understand what they each want good example is to check out your home very late from shul. What do you from each other and why it is so impor assumptions: "I think I understand mean by that? tant, they are far more likely to eventual what bothers you, but I want to be sure Speaker: Well, for example, last Shab ly comply with each other's wishes. about this. Are you really trying to tell bos I had the table set and was waiting me that ... ?,, alone in the house until one o'clock when you finally showed up. Listener: So you were particularly upset last Shabbos. You felt lonely wait ';Tu.(( Servi.cc {3tnuni11.nity ing for me to come home from shul. e HEALTHY JOB MARKET What bothered you the most about that? e AFFORDABLE HOUSING Speaker: Well, you realized I was • NURTURING COMMUNITY waiting for you and yet you stood on the e LEARNING OPPORTUNITIES street talking with Yanke!, anyway. I was • SHOMER SHABBOS so angry at you. MEDICAL RESIDENCIES Listener: You saw me shmoozing • COMMUNITY ACTIVITIES with Yankel. And that made you angry. What annoyed you so much about my shmoozing with Yanke!? • KOLLEL Speaker: I felt terrible because you • MIKVEH hardly ever spend any time talking with me! Listener: Do you n1ean to say that you wouldn't be so concerned about when I come home from shul, as long 56 The Jewish Observer, Summer 2001 as I \vould spend nlore time having con Taking Turns twenty or even thirty years. versations at home with you? Speaker: Yes, that's exactly how I feel. ouples often ask, "What about Step/: Know your feelings. Although this reflection may sound tl1e listener's feelings? vVhen does repetitive and tedious to the reader, in Cthe listener get to speak?" ou need to know exactly what you practice it often causes the speaker to The listener's feelings are also very are feeling. Many people have dif smile or nod with a feeling of finally important and must be taken care of Yficulty knowing and expressing being understood, which more than and addressed. BUT NOT TODAY. what they are feeling in any given situ compensates for any feelings of awk Today, the listener must lock his or her ation. If you don't know what to tell your wardness. needs and feelings away very carefully spouse, at least try to report that you are in a vault until tomorrow, when today's feeling "good" or "bad." ere's another example of good listener will become the speaker. listening: If the husband, for example, did a Step 2: Be sure your spouse is listening. H great job of listening today, he can look Husband: Last week you complained forward to the same good listening from efore you can assume the role of about my not learning enough, espe his wife tomorrow. By shelving his feel speaker, you must have a listener cially at night. And you said I am set ings today, he will allow his wife 24 Bwho is willing to hear you. If you ting a bad example for our sons. hours of feeling cared for, heard and are ready to speak, be sure that your Wife: You are reminding me of what understood. This can result in her spouse is not too angry, distracted, or I brought up last time about my want becoming more receptive to his point of too eager to speak him/herself. You can ing you to have a seder to learn in the view tomorrow. even begin by asking, ''Are you ready to evening. listen to me now?" Husband: Yes. Now I'd like to II. SPEAKING If the answer is, "No," you can ask respond to that. I have no objection to when (s)he thinks (s)he will be ready to learning at night, in addition to my shiur hen it is your turn to speak, listen. This may postpone your oppor in the morning. But I reme1nber when you must keep in mind son1e tunity to be heard. But speaking before I used to have a chavrusa at night, you W important guidelines. Instead you have a receptive listener will be would be busy with the kids, and of seeing them as inhibiting or restrain counterproductive. whenever I would leave, you used to say ing you, you should view these princi something to make me feel that I was ples as increasing the chances that your Step 3: Begin with something positive. abandoning you. spouse will really listen to what you have Wife: So what you are trying to tell to say. he best way for your negative feel me is that when you used to learn at Couples who follow these recom ings to be heard is to let your night, I made it harder for you by mak mendations often report that they feel Tspouse know that you still have ing you feel guilty whenever you left the really heard for the first time in ten, some positive feelings. If possible, it is house. Is that right? i;::;;;===;;;=~- Husband: Exactly. So what I used to L.S. PRICES TYPE OF CAR OR SIMILAR 16 APR. 01 do was to try to help you first, before I 20 JUL. 01 left for my seder. But then I often got so .. involved that I ended up not going out A FIAT PUNTO 3 DR. to learn at all. B FIAT PUNTO 5 DR. Wife: So then you tried to assuage C1 PEUGEOT 306 your guilt by helping me until it got too C2 MITSUBISHI CARISMA NT MINIBUS 7 SEATS late for you to keep you seder. MT MINIBUS 10 SEATS Husband: Yes. In fact, it happened so often that I felt I wasn't being fair to my D QP_EL CORSA Toll Free: chavrusa. E DAEWOO LANOS 1-800-938-5000 Wife: Suppose I made an effort not F SUZUKI BALENO 1.6 Tel in NYC: to ask you for any help, or even to make G TOYOTA COROLLA 1.6 X CHEVROLET CAVALIER 212-629-6090 a face, whenever it is tin1e for you to go XL PEUGEOT 406 2.0 out to learn. Do you think that would SX------CHEVROLET----- MALIBU help you to keep an evening seder? vx VOLVO S-70 FREE• one d~ car rental Husband: I don't know. But I cer EX MERCEDES E240 for each ni t spent at iLDAN'" , . • KX MAZDAMPV ELDAN HOTE JERUSALEM .. l'!?fl.. tainly would like to try. 'v.ffd Low Season Only i The Jewish Observer, Summer 2001 57 always a good idea to begin with some experience rather than on the listener's con1pliment, praise or \VOrds of appre • faults. ciation. n many cases, all Instead of saying, "You never listen You could start with,"! really like the to me;' try putting it this way: "l feel so way you do homework with the chil Ithat is needed to frustrated when I talk to you and you dren." Or, you could begin with, ''I resolve longstanding can't remember what I said." The lis appreciated it when you asked me if I tener is more likely to pay attention to needed any stamps yesterday before you conflicts is for the the speaker's feelings when the statement went out to the Post Office:' does not begin with an attack. spouses to learn how After only a couple of sessions of Step 4: Don't exaggerate. working on their marital co1n1nunica to communicate tion, the Kleinbaums learned how to he worst vvay to com1nunicate effectively with each express their feelings without attacking. your o\vn pain and dissatisfaction Chani, for example, was able to say, "I Tis by exaggerating with statements other. felt so hurt last Shabbos when you con such as, "You always ... ," and "You tradicted me in front of the children:' never.... " For exan1ple, "You always And the following week, Tuvia was able burn the cholent," or, "You never co1ne to express himself this way, "I felt put hon1e from work on tiine." Extreme perate attempt •to e1nphasize how down and embarrassed on Shabbos generalizations are often made in a des- painful an experience is or was. when you criticized n1y d'var Torah." A wife listening to such a statement often hears, "You are the worst cook in HELP FOR PARENTS OF the world:' On the other hand, a hus TEENS AT CONFLICT band hears, "You are an irresponsible an all marital conflicts be 1nan v.rho is never available v:hen I need resolved simply by improving hin1." Ctheir comn1unication skills? If M~~~6.SK& ...T!t .. MCllTlll!RS RS Al.lllNl v SUPPORT GROUPS negative feelings is with this for resolve longstanding conflicts is for the v REFERRALS Tmula: "I feel __ whenever you spouses to learn hovv to communicate HOTLINE do (or don't) __." This statement effectively with each other. There are places greater emphasis on the speaker's some couples, however, whose conflicts and resent1nents are so intense that good com1nunication, alone, \Alill not recon cile all of their disagreements. Those Jonah's Fashion Inc. couples need techniques of conflict res olution, which would go beyond the scope of this article. Nevertheless, even Girls Yeshiva Uniform Manufacturers such couples can achieve improve ments if each spouse will feel really heard and understood. • We make skirts and jumpers, solids Learning these communication skills and plaids, from size 5 thru does take some effort and does not junior and pre-teens always come easy. But v.1hatever we do to promote shalom bein ish l'ishto, • Bais Yaacov blouses made from between man and wife, is one of the our own custom made forms of chessed for which one enjoys, (extra heavy) material "peiroseihem ba'olam hazeh v'hakeren kayemes l'olam habba, the fruits [of the reward] in this world while the princi ple is left intact, awaiting us in Olam Habba" (Shabbos 127a). • 58 The Jewish Observer, Summer 2001 WHERE TORAH LEARNING COMES TO LIFE Tiferes Academy High School has been the trendsetter in a unique blend of Torah education and Torah living. Led by an unparalleled staff of experienced mechanchim and educators, Tiferes Academy strives to bring out the potential in every bochur. Our highly acclaimed innovative program includes: full academic regents diploma, Shabbotonim and mishmor programs, full computer lab and training program, daily gym and swim programs and much more. Tiferes Academy features small classes with a low teacher to student ratio, providing true personalized attention. Give your son the opportunity that Tiferes Academy provides - an education that is truly etched in excellence. Call for information and interviews. Limited space for September. TIFERES ACADEMY• 1960 SCHENECTADY AVENUE• BROOKLYN, NY• TEL. 718-252-0801 VAAD HACHINUCH: Horav Elya Svei, Yoshev Rosh, Horav Shmuel Berenbaum, Horav Yitzchok Feigelstock, Horav Shmuel Kamenetzky, Horav Avrohom Pam, Horav Yakov Perlow, Horav Aharon Moshe Schechter, Horav Yaakov Schneidman Anonymous hen I was young, my A Prisoner in gesticulations. Frustrated and father took my broth disappointed, I looked away. I W er and me to a theme Cinderella's Castle desperately tried to blink back park based on fairy tales. My my tears. After all, I was the brother and I decided to take a brave, older sister. ride in Cinderella's pumpkin 7"'°~ ~& Of course, we found our way coach. After a fun-filled ride, the out of that castle eventually. We coach stopped at Cinderella's turned a corner and there, in one castle to allow all the riders off. of the towers we had circled My brother and I, along with a dozens of times, was a doorway dozen other laughing children, we hadn't seen before. We tumbled out of the pumpkin stepped through the doorway, coaches, and ran across the walked down the spiral staircase moat via the open drawbridge. we found and joyfully dashed The drawbridge closed and we across the drawbridge. were left to our own devices The incident was safely in the inside the castle. We joined the past. Yet, I never forgot it. The other children as they ran overwhelming feelings, the sting around looking at this, climbing ing unfairness, and the overall on that. .. then one child dis fear and the disappointment are covered a staircase. A minute as entangled in my memory as later, we were all enthusiastical the intricate charm of Cinderel ly climbing up the steps to find la's castle. ourselves on a beautiful terrace with climbing towers and a Putting the Situation in Perspective splendid enclosure overlook ing the castle's moat. Again, we all ran around laughing and n recent years, I have come to talking as would any group of relive this episode albeit with ran1bunctious youngsters. My I a slight variation. A nu1nber brother and I were especially of years ago, I came home from enthralled as we ran wildly seminary ready to embark on the from tower to tower pointing next stage of my life. I was excit out the exquisite architecture. ed and a little bit nervous as I Suddenly, I stopped and looked anticipated 1ny next year or so ... around. All around us was quiet. finding a job, shidduchim, and of We were alone. course ... marriage. I was sure the A little flustered, we decided that per a little darker than before and somehow last step wouldn't be long in coming. haps the others had gone back down the mannequins of the fairy tale char After all, my siblings all married quick stairs and so we ran quickly down. acters didn't look as cheerful as they had ly, and I was confident that I would be Nobody was in sight. Rushing upstairs a few 1ninutes earlier. Nor was there a no different. I anxiously awaited the day. again, we looked around. Where could door. I rushed back upstairs, eager to But it was not to be. Bewildered and everyone have gone? We walked around rejoin my brother and to escape the disillusioned, I watched as friend after the railing looking at the moat below us. dingy indoors of the castle and the omi friend happily tramped across the draw And then we saw it. There was a second nous stares of the evil stepmother. My bridge, and for the second time in my drawbridge leading out of the castle. We heart was pounding and fear was life, I was left alone on the terrace all but were just in time to glimpse the tail end mounting. forgotten. With an aching bewilderment of our group tramp across the bridge As we once again looked over the firmly lodged in my throat, I was left to and happily rejoin their parents. But railing, we could see my father down wonder. What happened? How were how did they get there? on the ground signaling to us. But what they able to do it and I just don't seem to "There must be another doorway was he trying to tell us? He was be able? And why me? downstairs that we missed," I told my motioning to us and mouthing well- However, I'm not the six-year old any brother. While my brother waited 1neant advice, but up on the terrace we more that I was in the castle, and after a upstairs, I ran down to check. It looked couldn't make sense of his animated few years of frustration and bitterness, I 60 The Jewish Observer, Summer 2001 concluded that there was supposed to be shown its body. It's shown the body's something I want. Just for that reason, another part to the story. I understood family, financial status, talents, looks, this all would have been worth it. that I was meant to take the pain and the strengths and weaknesses. It's shown There's more, though. I have come heartache and to go one step further. everything. And then the neshama agrees. closer to Hashem through tefil/a and by So I did. It wasn't a quick step; nor was It agrees to everything because it knows learning to rely more on Him. Although it painless. I've found that it is much eas that it will need every one of those ele I must turn to shadchanim, friends and ier to indulge in self-misery than to take ments in order to properly accomplish rabbanim for help, I know that ultimately, a predicament and grow from it. It is also its goal. If l knew the whole picture, I'm it is He who has put me into this predica more convenient to blame circum~ sure I'd also agree. I have found it help ment and it is He who will take me out. stances for your unhappiness than to ful to acknowledge that there is a bigger I have learned to try and use this time learn to be happy within a situation. But picture that I simply can't comprehend. wisely. I know I won't always have it. This I assume that if I can learn, now, how to Not comprehending the big picture, is the time to work on myself and to help be happy regardless of my situation, then though, certainly hasn't stopped me others. I have got it made for life! from seeing how I have grown from this I have learned to stop comparing One of the things I have tried to do experience. Many people spend their lives myself to others. I have what I need. If I over the past few years is to put my running a marathon. They have to get don't have it, I don't need it. I do not have predicament in perspective. What will married first. They have to have children the same life's plan as my friends, even five or ten years mean to me when I am first. Their homes must be the nicest. my best friend ... even my siblings! I am I 00 years old? Furthermore, what sig Their children have to be the brightest, unique. nificance does this nisayon have in light the cutest, the most talented ... and the Finally, I have learned that in order to of the enormity of some others' nisyonof. list goes on and on. receive Hashem's berachos, I must be In fact, once this period of my life is over, l was forced out of this marathon at ready to accept them. One who is pre that's it- it'll be over. That cannot be said the starting line. And for that I am thank pared to accept Hashem's berachosis not for every nisayon. ful. For the rest of my life now, I am free one who is filled with doubt or cynicism. to concentrate my energies inward and Learning From My Predicament to utilize my talents and my gifts to ful nd so here l stand. lam still alone fill my potential. on the terrace, but I am no longer once heard Rabbi Frand say, "Suppose And oh, how many lessons I have Abewildered or disappointed. I everyone were to come to a long col learned over the past few years! know that one day in the near future, I I lective table, and each individual were For one thing, I have learned to wait. will round a corner and there it will be to place his pekele on the table. If I were In an age where messages are sent across - the door I somehow hadn't seen allowed to pick up any pekele and leave the world within seconds and people can before. And I, too, will dash joyously the room, I would end up leaving with travel in a few hours what used to take across the drawbridge to the world my own." Why is that? It is because my months, I have learned to wait for beyond. • nisyonos were custom-made for me. I was given what I can handle. My friend and I were the last two from among our friends still single, and I remember her telling me, "I hope you get ''PEOPLE WHO married first, because I can handle it and you can't." I agreed. She could definite DON'T HAVE AN ly handle being alone better than I could. Apparently, Hashem felt differently .... ACENT-WHO TAKES It's a terrific feeling to know that Hashem believes in you. Still, I couldn't CARE OF THEM?'' help but wonder- do I really need all this anxiety? CALL ME FORA FREE The answer is yes. I need this nisayon PROTECTION REVIEW in order for me to properly fulfill my MARTIN LEVY QY> tafkid (mission) here on earth. R' Bachya Exclusive Agent describes the neshama before it is placed 103-20 Metropolitan Avenue in its body. The neshama understands Forest Hills, NY 11375 Allstate. Bus (718) 268-1700 You're in good hands. what it needs to accomplish in this life FAX (718) 268-4354 time. Then the neshama is taken and © 2000AUstate Insurance Company, Northbrook, Illinois. The Jewish Observer, Summer 2001 61 I I HELP. • • A.$100 continue to bring Jewish news and views from a torah perspective to tens of thousands of readers each month. B.$50 Just write your "L'Shana C.$36 Tova" greeting in the box of your choosing (price indicated in lower left hand corner), detach form across dotted line, and mail the form with your I D. $25 check today. Pkasc enclose pay111ent with your insertion and ni.ail to; I 42 Broadway, New York, NY 10004 I an1 pleased to learn that 1ny "Shana Tova" 'vvishes in Your friends will see your your colu1nns will help l'he Jewish ()bserver greet the greeting in our next issue, I New Year v..rith a reduced deficit. our Rosh Hashonah Na1ne: ------edition ... and you will I derive the satisfaction I Address:------that you helped us bring c-::ity/Sl'/Zip ------ the Torah message to the I Payn1ent Enclosed 0 $100 D $50 0 $36 CJ $25 English speaking public •.• I Please charge n1y credit card 0 MasterCard [_J \!ISA (USA only) I Card# ------and ...Thanks! Expiration IJate: ------ I Signature: ------I THE MATURE SINGLE Shaya Ostrov LE'TORAH, LE U'LE'MA' ASIM I. ENCOUNTERING THE PROBLEMS preparing his son for kabollas hamitzvos everyone else, but for her it was disturb from the moment he was born, in keep ing and disappointing. As a ben Torah, ver the past decades we have all ing with the beracha expressed on the he was not used to articulating his feel become painfully aware of a birth of a child: LeTorah, l'echupa, u'le ings about himself to a woman. He was 0 phenomenon unfolding in ma'asim tovim. The first stages of this unable to communicate in a way she had every /rum population center through beracha were being realized, and this become accustomed to in her profession out the world. Many parents have been young man's next stage in fulfilling this al relationships. experiencing increasing difficulties in beracha will bring him to the chupa. She was an actuar)~ and a very suc finding appropriate shidduchim for But we live in a world that invades our cessful one, at that. Her success was not their children. They have found that lives as at no other time. And nowhere do flaunted. But she was aware that she had something so vital to the hemshech (con we see it more poignantly than in the become valuable to the financial success tinuity) of Klal Yisroel, and to the well world ofshidduchim. Passing by this scene, of others. It never compromised her tze being and happiness of these young I asked myself Will what is happening to nius. But success impacts on many lev people, can become a frustrating and Am Yisroel affect this young man's abil els. Perhaps earlier in her life she would even painful nightmare. This article ity to find his basherte, his predestined have felt more comfortable with and even attempts to analyze this phenomenon mate? admiring of this young man. Now, this and define its sources, tracing how liv bachur was 11ot at all the way she thought ing in contemporary society has an SCENE II. her chassan would look and act. She's been impact on us as bnei Torah. MOTZA'EI SHABBOS out there too long as a single profession May I begin by sharing some vivid al woman. She's seen too many polished images that left indelible impressions on 1 t was late Motza'ei Shabbos when I young men - both frum and not frum - my mind and heart. received a call from a father - a and communicated with countless intel I rnechanech in a well-known yeshiva. ligent and articulate colleagues with SCENE!. His 27-year-old daughter, who has been impeccable credentials. In the process, she ON A QUIET BROOKLYN STREET in shidduchim for more than eight years, has come to define herself more clearly and and dated more young men than he would has developed a sense of sophistication. alking past a Flatbush home on dare to count, has been seeing a young This young man may have been all she a sunny summer day, I noticed man for three months. He fits all her cri ever wanted, perhaps five or six years ago. W a father and son sitting on the teria for a zivug (perfect mate). AFer all Now, the idea ofmar rying him leaves her steps of their home, preparing the young these years offrustration, hurt and dis feeling sad, disappointed and unable to boy's Bar Mitzva Haftora. It was a "pri appointment, it appeared to have final escape her unhappiness. vate lesson." But the moment was avail ly been worth it, all for this opportunity. So, this father who has dedicated his life able for the discreet pedestrian to see and Yet, at this very last moment, she was con to teaching Torah to others is desperately hear. It seemed that this father had been sidering calling it off and walking away. calling out for help, understanding so fully Tru e, he was all she ever thought she that his beloved, talented and wonderful Mr. Ostrov is a trained marital and family ther apist. He is the author of Tile Inner Circle, Seven wanted. He was a masmid, thoughtful, daughter - a tzenua and true baa/as mid Gates to Marriage ( Feldheim), and volu ntari and from a very fine family. But there was dos - is also a very mature and responsi ly serves as the Director of Training for lnvei something missing. It seemed slight to ble professional. There is no question that Hagefen. ------The Jewish Observer, Summer 2001 63 her career has helped her survive these SCENE III. "What have we done wrong? Why are we and years ofdisappointment and rejection. But BRETZ YISROEL our children suffering so?" it has also molded her perception and During the waning moments ofYom Tov, appreciation of the personal qualities she e spent Succos in Eretz Yisroel for an Israeli-born Bais Yaakov graduate, now is looking for in a young man. She may a family simcha. Succos is a time approaching age 30 and still not married, very well spend the rest of her life as a sin W ofgreat joy, especially in IsraeL But came to visit. Not only was she pained and gle woman, never knowing childbirth or this year, it was also a time offear, with the helpless over her inability to meet her bash the love of her husband and children. escalation ofArab violence. As we visited old erte, she was equally troubled over the hurt This father reached out to ask for my friends in their succos, however, lVC heard of experienced by her parents. She felt at fault. guidance, suggestions and even inter another kind of torment. It was the hurt of With every date that failed, beyond her own vention. I knew that this young woman parents, old and dear friends, who shared palpable disappointment, she experienced would be struggling with a challenge that their long-sujferingfrustrations and deep con the burden of telling her parents ofanoth went far beyond her own perceptions and cerns over their children. Many ofthese chil er "failure." Worst ofall, she knew that once even her freedom to make a choice in her dren were now in their late twenties, early again their response would oscillate between own best interests. I knew this, because the thirties and still unmarried. These were frum, accusing her of being too "picky" and blam lives and perceptions of the many young Torah families, with children from homes ing thernselves for some unknown crime men and wo1nen I have encountered have filled with yiras Shamayim and the best our committed as parents that could have con been altered in their determined efforts to chinuch has to ojfei: Yet these parents were tributed to this tragedy. When I returned to find success and self-esteem while wait expressing the same pain and dismay that I the States, this young woman called me. She ing to find their basherte. have come to hear time and again in the US.: had become a kalla. 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The young man left and the period before marriage, are the was just not enough to guide them her feeling disappointed and depressed. She most delicate of all. The potential for cold through. A child growing up without felt she was marrying beneath herself and feet, panic attacks, struggles over money, two healthy and caring parents is at a giving up too much. I calmed her down and seating arrangen1ents, frumkeit issues, clear disadvantage. Chazal realized this encouraged her to proceed. She was clear lifestyle decisions, in-law differences - all a long time ago. That's where surrogate ly a very frightened young woman. expressions of anxiety and panic - are parents, a rebbe, Rav or mentor come in. potential sparks in a tinder box. With And then there are yet other disad SCENE Iv. out the steadying voice and guiding hand vantaged singles who need outside help. THE EMPTY HALL of parental wisdom and maturity, the Both parents may still be alive and phys desire to build a life together is easily lost ically well, but personal crises, including n a cold and blustery winter night, through a small misunderstanding - just divorce, financial pressures, illness and I traveled to a Long Island wedding a "small fight" that sets off a fusion reac long-standing feuds between couples, 0 hall. I very much wanted to par tion worthy of Los Alamos. have left them ill-equipped to help their ticipate at the wedding of a young man, a It's not only the end of the dating children during this crucial period of their distant relative who was now in his late process that is so difficult for single par lives. These are children from homes expe twenties. Marriage had not come easy. He ents. It's also at the beginning. Arrang riencing instability and ongoing marital had been trying to discover his basherte for ing the right dates can be daunting. tensions. Many don't have the financial a number ofyears. I had not been involved Financial demands can be impossible. means to undertake a large wedding or in the process, and I was never asked to help I know of a young woman whose commitments for financial support. How out. I was deeply interested in his well-being, mother died when she was 19; she did many of our children's futures are lost on however, as he was raised without a father. not marry until she was 31. And a young the shoals of the financial and emotion Having been raised without my father, I have man whose father died when he was 12; al stress, particularly around the period always been sensitive to his difficulties. I he's now close to 40 and still unmarried. before the wedding! therefore wanted to get to the chupa on time. When I arrived, I noticed the absence of cars in the parking field. As I approached the building I realized that the lights were out and the hall was empty ... the wedding had been called offjust two days ago! For some reason, I was not noti fied. My heart sank. I couldn't leave the hall. I was lost in my sense ofpain for the young man, his mother, the kalla, and all those who have been hurt by this tragedy. The Inner Circle I finally pulled myself together and left. .· ... ~~.~~~... WRITTEN WITH COVIP/\SSION AND UNDERSTAND· INC. THE INNER CIRCLE LilYS OUT A CLEAR ROAD MAP THAT CAN CENLllNELY HELP MATURE SINGLES FIND AND RECOGNIZE THEIR BASHER T. AND CREA TE A RELATIONSHIP Obstacles Along the Way WHICH LEADS TO MARRIACE. Available at all Jewj$h bookstores or drrect from hrough the process of helping my own children marry, I have come FELDHEIM ffJ PUBLISHERS to understand that, while every Torah Literature of Quality T Toll Free: 800-237-7149 • www.feldheim.com •Ask for our catalog. The Jewish Observer, Summer 2001 65 In addition, there are others who increase of geirim and geyoros 'vho also undermines our ability to fulfill our require assistance to help them negotiate require assistance in this area.) responsibility to our children. True, dating and marriage. First there are a The Mishna in Nedarim tells of how there are n1any other concerns that we growing number of baalei teshuva, many Reb Yishmael took in a poor girl who was deal with, but the rise in the number of of whom come from marginally Jewish or unable to find a chassan. He realized that mature singles across the spectrum of totally assimilated backgrounds. Yeshivas because of her poverty, her appearance the j'rum co1nmunity bears witness to such as Ohr Somayach, Aish HaTorah and was not flattering. So he gave a gold tooth forces that affect families of all lifestyles seminaries for won1en, including Neve and where one was missing, provided her and levels of frumkeit. It is also a phe She'arin1, help nun1erous young) educat with new clothing, and cared for her no1nenon whose in1pact is felt contin ed people turn to Torah life. Yet becom needs until she found her basherte. Reb uously and deepens with every passing ing frum is just the first step. Dating for Yishmael then bemoaned how poverty day, and leaves its mark through every many of these individuals is immeasur was responsible for hiding the beauty of date that fails to materialize into a last ably difficult. There are also a growing our bnos Yisroel. These same bnos Yisroel ing relationship. number of young people who were raised cried bitterly over the death of Reb Yish To relate to this phenomenon, we in modern frum homes. After a year or mael. He understood their pain. must address a few questions: What are more in Bretz Yisroe~ their lifestyle and Today's poverty, which hides beauty, the contributing factors and events that hashkafos have become decidedly yeshiv is not only financial poverty. It is social, could have left such an impact on our ish. They require a guiding and wise hand familial. It deprives our children of the Torah world - across this continent, in dating. Their parents may be very will ability to demonstrate their beauty and reaching Israel, Europe and every Jew ing to help. But they are at a loss to under to recognize the beauty in others. ish center throughout the world? How stand the subtleties of dating in the Torah can parents appropriately and effectively world. The result is that the deep desire Challenges to Parental Responsibility respond in a manner that enables our of these young people to create a Torah children to find new sources of hope home is so frequently frustrated by the dif ven as frum Yidden, we live in a and strength in their search for their ficulties inherent in the dating process. society that challenges our basherte, while reducing friction and (And certainly, we can not forget the Edreams for spiritual growth and anxiety? In response to numerous inquiries, we are pleased to announce to the Olam HaTorah the availability of the following: ,D'iH:i::>n ci, ,i1l'll1i1 'IV.Ki ,ni:vt:iw ,nosi ,c,:in::>i niil.K ,c,iisi ,n::>un ,ni:no-n:iw .J1i::lTi1 i!l'O Most of these Seforim are now in expanded editions. They may be obtained as a set or as single volumes. For information contact: Rabbi Aryeh Laib Chaifetz Rabbi Yeshaya Thau In Eretz Yisroel: Rabbi Ahron Lasker 718-377-0777 718-376-1265 02-537-2257 66 The Jewish Observer, Summer 2001 II. SOME OF THE CAUSES son" to come along. They crave stabil mitment to career pressures can serve as ity, security, self-esteem and an oppor a convenient reason to back away. tunity to advance. Many feel com l recently visited an old friend who Erosion of Marriage in Western Societies pelled to make a choice to become more heads a software development unit for involved and committed to their careers. a well-known bank. I was exploring the et us begin by taking a look at a It's perhaps the only choice they have. possibility of employment for a young very sobering statistic: The num Even if the choice is not con man I knew. The young executive said Lber of individuals living in non sciously n1ade, it occurs because of the to me: "Look around here. Who do you nuclear fan1ilies - that is, without a hus present reality. Today's workforce is an see? [I saw many young people, quite a band and wife - has grown in just 40 all-consuming environment. Profes few of whom were Asian Americans. J years from 25% in 1960 to 48% of the sional offices, businesses and corpo They are all single," he said. "We are population in 1999. America today has rations have become intense environ demanding of our employees here. If almost 70 million singles between the ments where all concerned are you have anyone frum, you certainly ages of 25-55. And even those who competing for their market share and don't want them to work in a place like marry do not have such an easy time profits. Young people are expected to this, where there is no night or day.'' keeping their relationship intact. contribute to this growth in a serious It's the modern-day version of the According to a NY Times report, of the and disciplined manner. As years go by sweatshop. Only this time the laborers 270,000 Americans who married this are all happy because they are making past June, almost 55% will divorce. No enough money to lead their lives as sin wonder so many opt not to marry! In gle adults, with plenty of disposable Israel, as well, current statistics place the • income and perhaps some stock options. divorce rate at 30o/o. This is an unprece any within our I got the message. But I also learned dented number for a predominantly Mcommunity how the technological revolution is hos Jewish society. All statistics project an tile to family life. It is not just in soft increase in singles in the next decade, can no longer ware units. It is anywhere that the role some by as many as an additional 25%. of corporate competition and earnings These are just a few statistics at play, imagine that a life plays a more important role than that which come to mind when a distraught of the family. father calls, or when I see an empty wed of personal sacrifice ding hall on the night of a scheduled cha and material New Economy, New Affluence, New Values suna. No matter how insular our culture, there has always been seepage ofhost-cttl discomfort can be long with the new culture of ture values that have impact on us-"Vie commitment to career, profes es krystelt zich, yiddelt zich." It is clearly part worth living. Asion and corporations, Ameri of being citizens of the richest nation in can society has also given us the history. Let us take a closer look at how opportunity to reach undreamed of it trickles down to our children. • levels of affluence. The pursuit of the without marriage, they become "New Economy," as we con1e to char Technology and Transformation increasingly affected by the profes acterize the staggering acquisition of sional roles, tasks and relationships that today's wealth, has left its unmistak he rapid technological changes now become more central to their lives. able imprint on the yeshiva and Chas over the past four decades have Their identities, appearance and even sidishe world. It colors our decisions, Ttransfor1ned our culture, impact personalities are shaped by these roles perceptions and the way we value our ing on people's commitment to their - roles that are crucial to their success selves. It has an impact on the lavish careers and the professions our children as responsible adults. ness of our simchos, the frequently out choose to pursue. When men and But so frequently, these very same rageous prices paid for ho1nes, new women reach marriageable age, they fre commitments color their expectations luxury cars, and a relentless pursuit to quently also enter the workforce. Until and create new pressures which con amass staggering financial holdings. this generation, work was always viewed tribute to their entrapment as singles. The deepest impact is that since as secondary to starting a family. Today, CPAs are not very available between Jan wealth is within the grasp of the mass however, when frum singles discover that uary 1 and April 15. Lawyers are always es, it has become an acceptable meas after a couple of years marriage is not under the gun. Teachers feel the constant ure of one's personal value as a human coming so easily, they decide that they pressure of lesson plans. When the being. Indeed, money and luxury cannot forever wait for that "right per- frustrations of dating accumulate, com- have become our currency for judging The Jewish Observer, Summer 200 7 67 quality and success. Precious few have searched for since Avraham sent Eliez values of our society interfere with our the maturity and eidelkeit to under er in search of Rivka. Perhaps the inherent appreciation of penitnius stand the deeper meaning of wealth emphasis on the material has led to a and prevent so many of our children and know how to handle it. cataract on our neshamos. The result is from seeing beyond the superficial, Many within our community can that countless young men and won1en leaving our most prized children with no longer imagine that a life of per are spending years of fruitless dating, a sense of spiritual deprivation. sonal sacrifice and material discomfort focused on everything but the essentials Yet, as parents and adults, we know can be worth living. A1nerican cu1ture's that have made us an am segula. better. Our life experience has taught correlation of wealth to happiness and There is no escaping the fact that each of us what Chazal have been say personal fulfillment has crept into our the "New Economy" and con ing since Sinai: Personal happiness, sta own definition of personal shleimus. sumerism have created a gold standard bility and fulfillment are the result of Emphasis on the n1aterial leaves us where the wealthiest, slimmest, and our rniddos and ruchnius - character more vulnerable to making mistakes most beautiful are universally prized. and spirituality. Personal wealth, pro about middos and the deeper issues of Moreover, for far too many, the fessional accomplishments and physi personal character. Perhaps more cal beauty are only of value when they young people re1nain alone because serve the Torah's more sublime goals. dating partners lacked the "required" Every Friday night seuda, we sing attributes. And far too many who do "shekker hachein v'hevel hayofi," that focus on these "essentials" co1ne to real externals are secondary. We need to ize their error, leading to an increase truly believe it once again. in broken engagements and - even The age in which we feel "we can more tragic - divorces. touch opulence and not be touched by An outstanding young man may be it" is over. For the great majority, the told that his years of hasmada ( dili trappings of wealth resonate too gence) have earned him the right to deeply, and few if any escape its influ expect a high price in the shidduch mar ence. And the true korbanos are the ket. But we are a1nazed at the nu1nber children. It has thrown them off their of these young men still dating after absence of these requisites creates a natural ability to select a zivugwith rel years of seeking such an arrange1nent. feeling of depression and disappoint ative ease and comfort. It has filled far And then we take note of countless out ment. As consumers, we are unpre too many with attempting to achieve standing young women who were pared for anything short of perfection. adulation for making "great deals" passed up, and it pains us to the core. Anything less than the new luxury through shidduchim related to money, Sadly, the value placed on externals - auto lease is unacceptable as a means status and other arrangements. And height, weight, money, etc. - blurs our of transportation. One scratch on this these arrangements have nothing to do vision to perceive and appreciate those shining new beauty and the heart with what is really required to build a middos that we have valued and sinks. So it goes with shidduchim. The bayis ne' eman b'Yisroel. Not just a cheese, a tradition... ·· Haolam, the most trusted name in Cholov Yisroe! Kosher Cheese. A reputation earned through 25 years of scrupulous devotion to quality and kashruth. With 12 delicious varieties. ttaolam, a tradition you'll enjoy keeping. All t1aolam cheese products are made in the U.S.A. under lhe strict rabbinical supervision of: Cholov Yisroel The Rabbinate of K'hal Adath Jeshurun, Washington Heights, NY mlJRlll BROS. WORLD CHEESE CO. ll'IC. BROOKLYl'I. NY 11232 Hao lam. 68 The Jewish Observer, Summer 2001 The Younger-Versus-Older Dilemma phere can only add to a feeling of hope changes that will have to occur should and enthusiasm, as it very well should. marriage happen. They are also more ne of the results of this process But just two or three years later, the aware of the hurt and disappointments, of seeking the "great deal" or the scene has changed. Did yo u ever listen which are now a part of their personal 0 right physical attributes is that to popcorn in the microwave? In the sec history. And they find themselves saying: more and more of our children are sift ond and third minutes the action is furi "If I waited this long, I'm going to make ing through more and more dates, and ous. After the fo urth and fifth minute sure it's for the right person." getting older in the process. there is hardly a pop. All is quiet. Older Many frustrated parents ask: "Why couples no longer hear the kernels, which III. SOME GUIDELINES FOR PARENTS do younger couples have an easier time had been exploding so frequently just a making up their mind?" Their percep short time ago. And as they mature and he observations and impressions I tion is correct. Chazal clearly under j grow into their lifestyle as singles, they have shared were intended to pro stood this when they suggested: she I become more aware of the multitude of Tvide the reader with insights, which mona esrei l'chupa - "18 ( +) is the ideal time to marry:' It's the transition peri od between dependency and under standing your own needs and prefer I ences. It's ideal because our children's lives are not yet complex, careers have not yet begun, identities have not yet i been fully defined, disappointments have been kept to a minimum, and most important, they still listen to us. After this window, which lasts for a few years, it becomes decidedly more dif ficult to help them make the leap. I Beyond these reasons, there is another compelling reason why younger couples can decide more eas il y than older couples. The most fre quent statement I hear, particularly PROMOTING RESIL--{ENCE from young women is: "He's really a IN OUR COMMUNITY very nice person. But I just don't feel certain. I'm not enthused or moved by Presentations of practical psychotheryeutic strategies, the idea of marriage to him." This is early identification of individuals at risk and special heard far less frequently from younger issues and populations - singles and singles, who are involved in a world of shi~duc him , boundless excitement, with fireworks I women's issues, trauma and loss, disabi~ties etc. going off continuously all around them. A multitude of cameras is click KEYNOTE SPEAKERS ing with snapshots of friends getting Dr. Poul Applebaum · President Elect of the Americon Psychia~ic Association married, engagements, vorts, Shabbos Horov David Cohen kallos, the excitement of friends and rel Robbi Dr. Avrohom Twerski atives waiting to see "who will go next." rabbi Dr. Tzvi Hirsch Weinreb It's a time of contagious anticipation, filled with a million dreams of young l December 20-23 PllECONFERENCE WORKSHOP DEC 19-20 l lives starting out new - in kollel, in Eretz l Yisro el, in new homes and communi MARRIOT HUNT Behovoriol therapy program for Obsessive Compulsive disorder// Dr. JohnGra yson I ties waiting to greet the young couples. Techniques in Psychotherapy through psychodrama I Moryt ldburg j VALLEY INN, Whatever the doubts, these are fre Conducting valid and scientifical~ bosed custody evaluations '! Dr. Abe Worenkf ein I quently papered over by a zeitgeist to Baltimore, Morylond The experience of being o frum theropist / Robbi Dr. Tzvi irsch Weinreb l be part of this wonderful atmosphere of simcha, the desire to say, "Guess Contact Nefesh ot (201) 530·0010 ino rder to receive brochure ond opplicotior/or visit the Nefesh website ot I what, we're engaged!" This atmos- l V1YIY1.nefesh.org l l The Jewish Observer, Summer 2001 69 j can make a difference in how you assist going," we can't really argue. But, we as natural process from unfolding. your child progress toward marriage. As parents can realize that it's middos that 3. If you are a parent feeling frus in all other areas of parenting, the 1nore will ultimately create the relationship trated and deeply concerned, try not to you understand, the greater the oppor that builds a happy and loving home. express your negative einotions to your tunities for helping your children marry. 2. Whatever your financial means, your child. Parental pressure, guilt or feelings Here are some guidelines which par goal is to help a young couple slowly build of parental depression are all of highly ents may find helpful in dealing with a home. We can't buy a bayis ne' eman. questionable value. After a certain age, children who are single. They have to build it. Lavish spending on your child is experiencing his/her own I. In real estate we say: location, loca weddings, vorts, homes, and jewelry never hurt. Singles also have fears of turning tion, location. In shidduchim, we nlust help a couple. They also disturb those with their own lives upside down to make say: middos, middos, middos. All else is less to spend, and distort our values as a room for another person. They need to a very distant second. So when your community. We all know what is required feel clarity and courage. This is when child talks about dress size, personal or to achieve our most cherished results. your support is most important. family wealth, or even being "more out- Beyond this, we are actually hampering a 4. Respect your child as a mature adult, capable of making mature deci sions in his/her own best interest. Self Picture What Your esteem is critical in maintaining a sense of emotional balance through this dif ficult period. Money Could Buy 5. Accept that the older and more The pride and joy on a young kallah's face. accomplished they are becoming in Her diaum is devoting his life to learning Torah. other areas of life, the more they are Picture what your money could buy. defining themselves and their own indi Peace of mind for a father recovering from surgery. viduality. Your mature son or daughter His medical needs have been arranged, is not being "picky;' just making sure that his family provided for. the relationship fits personal needs and Picture what your money could buy. interests. The older they become, the Comfort and support to a Kolle/ family of eight more we must give them the ability to Their commitment and devotion to Torah a reality feel that sense of certainty about their These families and countless You can make prospective n1arriage partner. others living in Eretz Yisroel face a difference. 6. Never aggressively question the many hardships. But they are not You too can join the decision to end a relationship. You can alone. For over 81 years Ezras Torah good works of has been helping. As the leading Ezras Torah. You can and should understand that anxiety and Tzedaka helping Talmidel Chachornim help the young fear play a key role in this decision. Chal and their fami!iesto survive, Kai/ah prepare for her lenging them will only increase tension Ezras Torah provides financial marriage, the Kol/el family feed their assistance in a respectful and children.the orphaned child receive loving care.the and mutual feelings of hurt. You can and dignified manner. struggling immigrant begin a new life. should suggest discussing the decision Thousands of Bnel Torah Your support will help us to help tlrem. with a trusted friend, or someone in the and their families carry the torch of Your money could buy joy, comfort, relief and sustenance ... field with expertise and life experience. Torah for all of us. Because of their the necessities needed for thousands of B11ei Torah to pure and idealistic lifestyle, our 7. Frequently parents will try to show continue to lead their holy lives. worlds a better world. They help that they are even-handed and objective sustain us spiritually. They need by voicing fears and doubts about a spe our help to survive physically. cific relationship. They hope this will win the trust of their children. I suggest _E_ST_A~BL_IS_H_E_D---;[ EZl~S 1Dl~]1--'-'-'-'- you not voice your doubts. It will kill the THE HUMAN SIDE OF TORAH PHILANTHROPY relationship immediately. Mature singles I YES, I WOULD LIKE TO HELP EZRAS TORAH. ENCLOSED IS MY TAX-DEDUCTIBLE CONTRIBUTION FOR: have enough inner doubts without I 0 $18 0 $36 0 $100 0 $180 0 $250 0 $360 0 $500 D $1000 :J Other$ __ parental hesitations. ' Method of payment: O Check O Visa D M/C D A!X Acc.#: Exp. Date: ___ ' 8. Never trivialize a doubt about a ' Please contact me regarding establishing an Ezras Torah Endowment Fund for a: O Free Loan fund D Medical fund ' prospective marriage partner that your ' Please send me an Ezras Torah Halachic Pocket Carender & Guide to Synagogue Customs, for this year {checked below, contribution enclosed). ' O Pocket-sized Hebrew Luach D Pocket-sized English Luach D Wal!-sized Hebrew Luach child believes to be a serious issue. Be '/Name attentive to hesitations and understand : Address them as part of the natural feelings of •City State Zip Phone anxiety. : RHJO Make payments to: EZRAS TORAH 235 East Broadway New York, NY 10002 • 212-227-8960 ~------70 The Jewish Observer, Summer 2001 9. If your child is feeling hopeless, CHEVRA OSEH CHESED encourage a sense of optimism. Your understanding will provide the courage OF AGUDATH ISRAEL to defeat loneliness and frustration. You are frequently an important source of BURIAL PLOTS strength, which enables them to take a IN ERETZ YISROEL chance at a serious relationship. Interment in a Shomer Shabbos Beis We make "housecalls" 10. Encourage membership in a Olam near Beis Shemesh (718) 972-4003 community of other singles with whom Please phone or write to: they can share friendships. Otherwise Chevra Oseh Chesed of Agudath Israel the isolation can be staggering. 42 Broadway, New York. NY 10004 :i-·i~ib:>!v 11. Make sure holiday weekends and Yamim Tovim are well planned, with (212) 797-9000 Specializing in small batim for a perfect fit. the option of being with either friends or family. 12. Understand that the older parents get, the more pressure they place on their children to care for them, both emo Dear Yad Eliezer, tionally and physically. Many parents do So much is spent not feel that their age and disabilities to malce a memorable affair, restrain their single children from mar The photographer, the band, riage. Yet it's an inescapable reality, par the makeup... and the hair. ticularly where there is only one sur Sheoo Brachoa outfit., viving parent. The sense of loyalty and a bracelet and a setting, without a diamond ring protectiveness are enough to occupy the can there be a wedding? hearts and mind of any responsible and The lilt i8 endlns•.. loving child. It's therefore important to cufP.inks and a tie seek gnidance as to how to help your sin The budgets overdrawn, gle child feel a greater sense of freedom and thue's so much atiU to buy. You've given us opportunity to pursue a relationship that can lead to to really comprehend • marriage. the va1"e of $1 (}()() and how much we over.pend/! Beyond the Scope of Parents There's great pleawre in knowing another couple will dance too. Your work is tremendous hese suggestions have been How can we thank you? offered to help parents maintain Tn1ore productive relationships Sincerely, with their single children while being Mimi and Dovid aware of the impact that our culture has on us. Hopefully, we can enable our sin gle children to feel a sense of self-respect for who they are, rather than shame for This poem was received by Yad Eliezer along with a wedding sponsorship. You too can change the life of a soon to be married couple! who they are not. The solutions to this Sponsor a Yael Eliezer wedding. Imagine how much more beautiful growing problem reach beyond the your own wedding will be. ability of parents to heal the emotion al wounds suffered as a result of endless The Citty Perkowski Simcha Fund ofYad Eliezer dating. The answer, like any other Rabbi and Mrs. Zevi Trenk Mr. and Mrs. Zolly Tropper problem we face in life, lies with a com 1586 E. 9th St. 1102 E. 26th St. prehensive effort to bring singles togeth Brooklyn, N.Y. 11230 Brooklyn. N.Y. 11210 er in a responsible manner, enhancing their self-esteem and communication skills, and guiding them every step of the Wedding sponsorships are $1000 for a whol.e way, without leaving any stone wedding and $500 for a lwlf of a wedding. unturned. • The Jewish Observer, Summer 2001 71 THE MATURE SINGLE Dr. Yaakov Salomon imeTo A Formula for Change as an Aid to Getting Married Move On NOBODY SAID IT'S EASY ous, capable, and mature young men of habit. We like uniformity. We like con and women in the Torah community sistency. We like familiarity. We even like rue. Nobody said it was going to finding it so difficult to find their life repetition. We like knowing what to be easy. But then again, nobody partner?" expect from the world. We like know Twarned you about how long and And yet, the etiology of this crisis ing what to expect from each other; and painful the trip would actually be, seems, to this writer, to be rather what to expect from ourselves. It makes either. moot. The causes are probably so us feel safe and secure ... in a world of But how could they have known? diverse, so complex, and so beyond diminishing safety and security. After all, each journey is so unpre consensus that it appears fruitless to Truthfully, all of us practice this dictable; there really is no way to prop expend endless energy to "solve" the habitual behavior in ways that are both erly prepare for it. mystery of the unmarried. Instead, let's subtle and apparent. The voyage, of course, is shidduchim, focus on solutions. Why they find "This is where I buy my fish. This is and the seas have never been more tur themselves in this dreadful predica my fish store." bulent than they are now. The plight of ment is far less important than reliev "Why not try going to ... ?" ever-increasing numbers of older singles ing their pain and helping them build "Oh, no. \1\!hy would I want to do that? in our midst assumed major proportions. their own binyan adei ad. If my son I always go here." "Ki ayn bayis asher ayn sham ...." has a fever, I don't ask, "Why?" I give And in case you're not much of a fish Practically no home exists that is not, in him some Motrin, pump him with flu lover, try on one or more of these ever some way, affected by this growing epi ids, and send him to bed. Later, I so-common habitual and ritualistic demic; if not directly within the nuclear might conduct the investigation. declarations. family, then certainly indirectly - Remember. We're looking for solu This is when I wake up ... every sin through extended family, friends, or tions. We're not trying to assign blame gle day. neighbors. Not surprising then, that to anyone. This is how I drive. That's just the way well-meaning people everywhere ask, I do it. "Why? How did the situation become so THE MOST FRIGHTENING WORD This is where I buy my coleslaw. Why serious? Can't we figure out what hap would you go anywhere else? I like this pened? Why are many thousands of seri ith that in mind, let's talk coleslaw. That's just how I like it. Yaakov Salomon, CSW, is a psychotherapist in about one of the most fright This is when I go to sleep. private practice in Brooklyn. W ening six-letter words in the This is the vort that I say at the table English language. It is" change!' Do you about this parsha every single year. Over feel the pain? Are you frightened? and over and over again. C-H-A-N-G -E. It's terrifying. It's alarm This is how much tzeddaka I give. ing. Most of us physically cringe when That's how much I give. It doesn't mat we hear the word. Panic sets in. ter what the appeal is for. That's how "Change? I should change? Why should much tzeddaka I give. {Which is fine if I change? What did I do wrong? Maybe the you're giving $50,000 to every appeal, by change will be worse? What am I supposed the way.) to do? Can't I just try again? Give me one You know what? This is me. I like me. more chance. I'll try harder this time. I'll I like the way I've been doing it, so I'm do anything, as long as I can keep doing it going to keep on doing it. Every day, every the same way." week, every year, erev, v'voker, v'tzoho You and I, we humans, are creatures rayim. 72 The Jewish Observer, Summer 2001 And that's how we go through life. There's something wrong. a suitable wife for Yitzchak. And you know what? There's really Again, let's be clear about our inten Eliezer has concluded his pursuit. He nothing wrong with it. It's called con tions. We're not talking about blame witnesses enough miracles and attrib sistency. It's beautiful. I'm a consistent here. No fingers are being pointed and utes of chessed that he is certain he has person. They call it k'vius. no hypotheses of fault or responsibili found "THE ONE." There could be no "Es hakeves ho' echad ta' asaeh b'boker, ty are even being suggested. Nobody doubt that only Heavenly intervention v'es hakeves hasheni ta'aseh bein ha'arbay really knows. brought him to Rivka. But as the agree im- the sacrificial order in the Mikdash:' But there is a time when you have to ment is about to be consummated, Eliez ... every single day.And that's how we are. be honest with yourself. You have to say er utters an astonishing charge to Lavan something is wrong, and something is and Besuel. THE DOWN-SIDE OF CHANGE not working. That is very hard to do. "V'ato im yeshchem osim chessed v'emes es adoni, hagidu ut like most things in Ii ... :· If you think this is a this world, there is a good idea, and you're ready Bdownside to this life. to do chessed v' emes with gestalt. A side effect. Our my master, tell me about it. Chazal warned us about it. "V'im lo, hagidu li .. . ," Our Nevi'im warned us about and if not, tell me. it. They called it mitzvos "V'efneh al yemin o al anashim melumada, doing s'moZ:' Amazing. He sees all things the same way. The dan the indicators. He has gers of hergel, doing things by kefitzas haderech, experi · rote, without thought or con ences a miraculously expe templation. Almost robotic. ditious trip. He sees nissim, Regular. From the word regel the waters are rising from "Be careful," they said. «Don't the well! He sees Rivka do that." performing countless acts "But if it's working," of distinguished chessed. you're saying, "what's wrong "Re'eh sheHashem hit with it?" zliach darki;' declares Eliez And you're right. er. Hashem has made my But that's exactly the mission a success. There's problem. If it's working, no question in his mind. why fix it? True. But let's say This is it. And what does he it's not working. What do say? "Tell me if it's good. you do then? Let's say you're Because if ies not, we'll not married. Let's say your move on. V'efneh al yemin children are not married. Is o al s'mol:' Rashi says, "We'll there anything more painful go to Enos Lot or Enos than that? Let's say they're YishmaeZ:' not close to getting married. Rabbi Avraham Pam Or let's say they're always N'~ adapts the particulars close to getting married ... both are Why? Admitting that something is real of the story to a not-uncommon situa equally difficult. ly not working implies that something tion. Eliezer could not have been more Let's say you're not even being redd needs to be changed. And that can be certain that Rivka was the right zivugfor shidduchim. And we know people like upsetting. Yitzchak. The Hashgacha could not have that. Or always being redd the wrong Now, how does this relate to shid been more clear. And yet he was fully pre ones - people who don't share the same duchim? For that, let's go to the source. pared to seek elsewhere, should it not goals, the same values, as you. What do work out for some reason. The flexibil we do then? Isn't there a time, as diffi THE SOURCE FOR IT ALL ity was extraordinary! cult as it is, that we have to look at our How often, says Rabbi Pam, have we selves, and look at our children, or look et us take our example from the been witness to a situation when a shid at our grandchildren, and say, "You prototype of all shidduchim, from duch is as close to completion as is pos know what? This is not working." L the Torah - Eliezer in his search for sible ... when suddenly it breaks up, The Jewish Observer, Summer 2001 73 rachmana litzlan. Everyone involved is basic categories: attitude and action. nesses, but also happen to be great crushed, and understandably so. While no one can lay claim to a dec teachers, at home or with their peers? Depression often sets in, and blame is laration that any single attitude or And how many social workers or quickly assigned to an assortment of action is «wrong" or "inappropriate," nurses are there who are stymied by persons> sometimes only remotely it can be said with certainty that apprehension, yet constantly dream involved in the process. adhering to any attitude without about entrepreneurship? Let's remem But while the situation feels and cer knowing why it is that way, is ber how terribly unscientific relation tainly seems tragic, we cannot lose hope unhealthy and counterproductive. A ships really are. or the ability to transcend the pain. person's mindsets need to undergo I could never marry a baal teshuva. "V'efneh al yemin o al s'mol." Eliez periodic scrutiny and investigation to Again, this is another ill-advised er had every single sign you could ensure their validity and relevance. "philosophy" or"myth": that the differ imagine. And what does he say? Attitudinal examples that demand ing backgrounds of those who have been Sometimes you have to reassess and examination and analysis can include frum all their lives and those who have redirect one's efforts. We'll go to any of the following: "joined the fold" spell marital disaster. Bnos Lot. We'll go to Bnos Yishmoel. I only want a tall boy. Nothing could be more untrue. Often If that's what we have to do, that's I need a rich girl. times, it is precisely the combination of what we'll do. We'll move on. A les I don't like blondes. It's just not me. the two divergent experiences that nour son of immense proportion. I cannot marry someone with a beard. ishes and nurtures the relationship. A Admitting that we were truly stuck It's impossible. I just can't do it. true fulfillment of eizer kenegdo. is enormously difficult, but the key And we convince ourse]ves that it's Had Boaz been wary about Rus, the word here is flexibility. We've got to be impossible; simply because we've always lineage of David Hamelech (and Moshi ready to act on "V' efneh al yemin o al thought that way. It is the syndrome of ach) would have been inexorably s'moZ:' And not necessarily with a "This is where I buy my coleslaw:' I know altered. Something to think about. major metamorphosis; just with a lot of people who got married with What? You're 'redding' me this girl? enough reformulation to give the out a beard, but things do change! Wasn't she once engaged? Hashgacha prattis a new opportunity I will never marry a boy with an up- Yes, she was. What does that mean? in which to work. hat ... or a down-hat. Is she not allowed to make a mistake? Never say never. Even a n1ajor mistake? Of course, there WHEN REASSESSMENT I will only go out with a "professional." are times when a broken engagement IS ON THE AGENDA While similar intellectual pursuits may be a signal that a certain problem can often add luster and compatibili (probably not insurmouutable) may he changes relevant to these cir ty to a marriage, this factor is far from exist, but it does not and should not cumstances - reassessment and being definitive. How many people do imply a patent disqualification. Previ Treformulation - fall into two we know who are employed in busi- ously engaged men and women deserve a chance. Those who have never been married often have a particular resistance to mar NOTICE OF rying those who have been married, NONDISCRIMINATORY POI_,ICY especially if they have children. Divest ing yourself of all candidates in that cat AS TO STUDENTS egory is yet another illustration of the "coleslaw condition." The Rabbi Naftali Riff Yeshiva, Inc. admits students of any race, color, national A true change in attitude means focus and ethnic origin to all the rights, privileges, programs and activities generally ing on the person, not on the "baggage." accorded or made available to students at the school. It does not discriminate on the basis of race, color, national and ethnic origin in admin REDESIGNING OUR istration of its educational policies, admissions policies, scholarship and loan pro MODE OF CONDUCT grams, and athletic and other school administered programs. hanging our actions in pur The Rabbi Naftali Riff Yeshiva suing a mate can, at times, be Ca relatively minor challenge. South Bend, Indiana Maybe it's a simple thing. Maybe it's 3207 S. High Street, South Bend, IN 46614 • (219) 291-4239 a tie, a dress, a hairstyle or a differ Applications are now being accepted.for Elul 576I/August 2001 ent location for a date. Maybe your 74 The Jewish Observer, Summer 2001 dates should be shorter. Maybe your dates should be longer. There are Now you can Enjoy Illuminating Torah Insights from people who are day people and peo ple who are night people. Perhaps RABBI YOSEF VIENER you should consider dating more in Milra D'mrn, J\l!ullas Yisroel 01 Flatbush the daytime, instead of at night. Maybe what you do on the date Captured for your Convenience on Tape should be different. Maybe you should be a little more open on your .._"'"' ... ,,- ... Spousal Responsibililies: dates; or a little less open on your I":", Halachos and Hashkafos al the dates. Maybe you need to ask more ~~-·- Husband/Wife Re/affonship questions; perhaps you are too busy S!::E"::::- -- (2 tapes) trying to impress, instead of finding • The Righis and Privileges of out more about the person you are the Husband and ofthe Wlfu considering. Or maybe you need to go to Invei HaGefen, the sensitive and •Specific Halo chic Obligations wonderful address for serious, older • Practical Solutions to Everyday Issues singles - daunting though it may Ambassadors of Torah (2 tupes) seem. Parents: Presenffng the Halachas 8 Hashkafos It is true. Dating is not coleslaw. ri Y-Kldishkeit fa the Outside World: And changing time-honored patterns Responsibilities &Obligations (2topes) • Kiddush Hashem I Chillul Hashem in attitude and action to improve one's •Responding to Sensitive Inquiries marriage potential is far more chal • Moving Away from Parents • Teaching Torah to on Akum lenging than changing the dvar Torah • Issues with In-lows we might say on a particular occasion. • Marriage and Kibbud But questioning our habitual behav • Doing What They Wont vs. ior, even in a small way, can open the What They Need door to the significant alter- __ ...... l!!ll!!!!!!!!lllllllJ!l!I• From Galus lo Geulah: Concepts and Misconcepffons (2 tapes) • The Dynamics of Nn•vr.i1 Nl1Ji7V Contemporary Hashkafa Series • 00J1:) during "'''··' .. ,;,.,,.,m.1;11;1r the era of n•vr.i Among 1e many topics discusse : • Understanding the Change • Pamasah Issues in our Doily lives • How to Change Your Maze/ • Democracy vs. Monorchy • Preempting Tragedies To order by credit can/ please call: O Enclosed is my check for~- payable to Agudath Israel Keren Yad Avrohom 118-645./!562 o Please charge my credit car * Don't booK ahotel in Israel Spousol Responsibilities 2liipes($9.50) Signature------Porenls2Tapes($9.50) Card It------O The Jewish Observer, Summer 2001 75 ations that we need to make. Of course, sometimes your action needs to be a little more dramatic. Today, networking is the engine that Personal responsibility throughout service - NOT JUST "PAPERWORK" moves the shidduch process along. And, ORIGINATOR OF THE PRESENT RABBINICALLY APPROVED METHOD difficult as it is, a change of venue may Highly recommended by Gedolai Hador- Here and in Eretz Yisrael be indicated. New people. New shad 1043-42nd Street, Brooklyn, NY 11219 chanim. New opportunities. New mazel.. .. Moving to new neighbor Day &N'.ght phone: (718) 851-8925 hoods cannot be ruled out. Jl1t"l:li'l1~l:lNj? Vl"j? - 1'"T~ 1Nl l111Jll)) '1l~ Some older singles have a desire for Kavod Haniftar with Mesiras Nefesh and compassion for the bereaved family. greater introspection. Are there sub TAHARAS HANJFTAR SHOULD NEVER BE COMMERCIALIZED conscious, underlying causes that may be creating a barrier to getting married? Or are there specific thought In conjunction with the Country Yossi Show ~J~~IDllDQ patterns or behaviors that need to be 1£118111111Qut.TllESf understood or modified? When called OHEL I BHIS EZRH fftSCIOllTIOG TOPI~ for, therapy with a licensed, qualified, llfETlmE CHRE fOUDDHTIOD and Torah-true psychotherapist can at g AConsumer's Guide times be of help; often through a is proud to announce that we will be hosting to Psychiatric Conditions a series of shows on the needs of people with and Treatment short-term modality. Conversely, sin developmental and psychiatric disabllities gles who have been in therapy for a ~~~VI i;{4nt1~~ while may need to consider a change lnTr~atment"'. .•• in therapists or even terminating What's ori the. Horizon? treatment, if stagnation has set in. g The Psychosocial and Vocational Needs of "THIS IS MY HISTORY" People with Mental Illness g Task ForQ! on Children final consideration involves a a.ndfamilies at RiSk serious review of your dating g Can Mentally Ill A history. All too often, a name of People Recover? someone you met years ago is dismissed as "not for me." But people do change. ~Yoti!\iona( Your needs may be different now. His ~abiUta~i~n ror qevelcipmentally priorities could have shifted. The pas D.i.sable 76 The Jewish Observer, Summer 2001 Denise Karasick reader not only what is a "jewel" and emotional connections which enable how to drop one, but also how to read you to move to the next stage of rela s the response it generates in order to get tionship. to know and understand the real per Ostrov is highly specific in detailing ., son, the "penimius," beneath the super exactly what should be said and done to l ' ficial exterior. make each date count. He requires at A large section of the book is devot least one of the interested parties to be ed to encouraging each individual to totally focused and in control of the dat develop his or her "Inner Circle." The ing process. Additionally, the program The Inner Circle: Seven Gates to Inner Circle consists of the feelings of can be very difficult to follow success Marriage, by Shaya Ostrov, Feldheim trust, closeness and emotional security fully without a mentor. Advice and Publishers, hardcover $22.95, soft cover which have been generated by person encouragement from a friend or Rabbi $19.95 alities who have impacted on us in our might be necessary to help prepare for past. Because we felt close to these peo dates and to review the results of these ne of the unique phenomena of ple, we can call on those feelings to help dates. In this respect, Ostrov's book is modern times is the prevalence us build meaningful and caring rela unique in the genre of self-help books, 0 of accomplished, frum, inde tionships with other people. Every stage which generally seduce the individual pendent singles who would like to be requires the ability to focus on one's with visions of transformation and married but aren't. Although there is an assure them that they can make it hap abundance of lectures, dinners and pen, alone. Ostrov is much too prag parties designed specifically to provide matic for that. Ostrov is well aware that a forum for people to mingle and meet, the reader is likely to be a mature sin the number of marriages that emerge gle who has invested deeply in his or her from these efforts is shockingly small. single lifestyle. They have committed Men and women date continuously, themselves to careers, to friends, to inde repeatedly, endlessly, and find themselves pendence. They have balanced and exactly where they started out - alone. productive lives that, in their perception, The frustration and often the pain of are threatened by marriage. Ostrov failing to connect emotionally with reaffirms that marriage is a treasured another person slowly buries the hope and valuable goal while recognizing that of ever finding a partner in life. Enter the process to attaining that goal can be Shaya Ostrov, a noted social worker who and probably has been very painful for specializes in family and marital thera many of his readers. With a great deal py, with a refreshingly positive of sensitivity, the author reminds us of approach. Firm in his belief that every the Torah's perspective on dating and one can find their bashert, Ostrov marriage. He refers us to Tanach, to the asserts that one's bashert is no less and Inner Circle as a means of refueling and Talmud, citing Midrash, recounting no more than "someone you grow revitalizing one's ability to connect metaphors and parables that reinforce together with over time:' Relationships with another person. One of the tools his message that dating can lead to mar riage, and marriage is worth the effort. i such as these are carefully formed that Ostrov uses to access and change through attention, commitment, mutu these internal attitudes is visualization. Everyone knows someone who is 1 .,' al nurturing and a willingness to change By visualizing your Inner Circle, or by about to start dating, who has been dat I and grow. This relationship and its visualizing yourself as part of a couple, ing for years, or who perhaps has given j reliance on caring and nurturing is also you can get a deeper sense of the expe up. This book can be vitally useful for the basis of a lasting and meaningful rience the author is trying to create, anyone involved in the process either as I marriage. In his book, The Inner Circle: thereby making it a reality in your mind. a single or as an advisor. Ifoffers encour Seven Gates to Marriage, Ostrov carefully With your Inner Circle intact you are agement was well as step-by-step guid 1 outlines a step-by-step approach to ready to embark on the road that will ance (worksheet and all), in layman's .j ! building emotionally provocative "jew take you through the seven gates. As you language, from a singularly frum per j els" and then observing the resulting successfully pass through each gate, you spective. Its positive, optimistic tone "ripples." The book strives to teach the will determine whether the other per convinces that dating can be productive 1 son has the emotional responsiveness and relationships can flourish. Success l Mrs. Karasick does freelance writing; this is her that is a necessary foundation for mar is marriage, and success is within every first appearance in the page of The Jewish riage, while at the same time forging one's reach. • l Observer. i I The Jewish Observer, Summer 200 7 77 Devorah Biser If you and she really had the time, you Daughter;' this is a book filled with chizuk s would give her a series of classes, both and practical advice on achieving shleimus before and after the chasuna. 1 But if that in shalom bayis and avodas Hashem. were not possible, you might sit down and Although it is meant to be read a "let write her a series ofletters - for her to read, ter" at a time, once you pick up this book ponder, and reflect upon both now and you will want to read it from cover to during her shana rishona. cover. It is written with grace and Dear Daughter, by Rabbi Baruch Eli You would introduce her gently to the humor, and is filled with beautiful, inspi Goldshmidt, ArtScroll/Mesorah Publi promises and pitfalls of married life, cit rational stories. Some will make you cry, cations 1999, $17.99. ing the relevant sayings of Chazal and others will make you laugh, but all teach etching them firmly into her conscious beautiful lessons regarding the essence azal Tov!Your daughter is now ness with real life stories and stirring anec of the Jewish woman. a kalla! If you could sit down dotes. You would guide her slowly, letter One of my personal favorites is about M with her and give her sage by letter, through the many different con a German Jewish professor who travels advice as to how to be an eishes chayil, cepts she will need to understand, inter abroad to a Chassidishe family in order what would you tell her? How would nalize, and master if she is to succeed in to learn their ways for his upcoming book you prepare her for the emotional the daunting but wonderful task that on Chassidus. During the professor's stay, upheaval ofleaving home and beginning awaits her.Above all, you would speak to he is served a German delicacy. Shocked married life; for the ups and downs of her in a tone that is loving and caring and at the balabusta's knowledge of this food, shana rishona and beyond; for the tests, yet authoritative and compelling. Then he asks the Rebbetzin where she learned trials, and challenges that lie ahead? you would pray that she follow your to cook this particular dish. She responds If you were a master mechanech, you advice, and that Hashem help her and her that she is a seventh generation German wouldn't give her stern lectures on her chassan build a bayis ne'eman b'Yisroel. Jew. The professor later comments on obligations to her future husband, for these what an eishes chayil that woman is- for are not likely to be well received in the Tl1e Job Is Done For Us so transforming her upbringing to fol exciting and dreamy, yet hectic days of a low the customs of her husband, such kallah before her chasuna. Nor would you beautiful dream, you say, but who that his minhagirn appear to have been try to pack all your years of experience into has the time to prepare, let alone hers from birth. one several-hour shmuess, since your :write, such necessary instructions Another remarkable story is about a goal is to make a lasting impression on her. to a daughter? Don't panic. Rabbi Boruch couple whose marital problems got so Eli Goldschmidt,~, a former Mashgiach out of hand that they decided to proceed Mrs. Biser, a graduate of Bais Yaakov of Balti at Bais Medrash Govoha in Lakewood, with a divorce. While preparing to leave more, teaches first grade at the Yeshiva of Belle Harbor. This is her first appearance in The Jew with years of experience teaching yungeleit for an appointment with her attorney to ish Observer. in shana rishona and counseling married finalize matters, the woman hears a news 1 See "Shalom Bayis. The Need for Formal couples, has written a book that does all bulletin on the radio announcing an Hadracha," on page 47 of this issue. this and more. Whether you are an about explosion downtown with a list of the to-be kalla, young newlywed, or veteran fatalities. Her husband's name was one long-married, you will find Dear Daugh of those listed. Hysterically, she remem ter both inspiring and entertaining. Writ bers her wedding day and other happy ten in letter-form from a father to his "Dear memories, as buried feelings of love for her husband surface. Later, she learns that the victim was someone else with the same name as her husband who had died. This incident changed her com pletely and saved her marriage. Rabbi Goldschmidt had a keen insight and understanding into the challenges of today's bas Yisroel. With his years of experience in counseling on shalom bayis, he lovingly guides the 0 R C H E S T R A S reader through her task as an eishes chay il. This book is a must for every mar 516.569.4949 ried woman, and is the ideal present for 718.237.2988 every kalla. • 78 The Jewish Observer, Summer 2001 lVh en a child is seriously ill, every member of the family feels the pain. Chai Lifeline can't make the disease go away, but we can help make living with childhood illness easier through 21 year-round programs and services that include: ,,. .. >-···} Psychosocial, social and emotional support programs to fit each family's unique needs ····} Insurance support services, medical advocacy and information ····} Tutoring, educational support and Chai link video connections to schools ·····) In-school crisis intervention teams to help classmates understand the child's illness ····} Great summers at Camp Simcha for children with life threatening and lifelong illness ····} Holiday celebrations and special events ····} Supportive weekend retreats with programs for every member of the family ····} Trained Big Brothers, Big Sisters, volunteers and sibling programs to help when needed :Ne pray for a time when there will be no more pediatric illness. Until then Chai lifeline is there ••• ~:"';:'<; ~; Fighting Illness With Love Helping the child, the family and the community ;51 WEST 30TH STREET, NEW YORK, NEW YORK 10001 • (877) CHAI-LIFE • (212) 465-1300 WWW.CHAI LIFELI NE.ORG {fAI LIFELINE is an international non-profit organizaHon that provides vital seNices to seriously ill Jewish children and their families. Through its regional offices in New York, New '.rsey; Florida, Los Angeles, Chicago and Detroit, Chai Lifeline maintains a wide network ofpsychosocial support programs that includes medical referrals, insurance support Se Nie· J:, emotional support groups, homebound tutorial programs, special trips and holiday festiviUes, toy drives, bone marrow drives, family retreats and a celebrated summer camping !vgram - Camp Simcha. Most recently. Chai Lifeline established the Stella K. Abraham Respite Center - a country getaway for Jewish families coping with catastrophic illness.