Master of the Boot’s Deadliest Warrior Randall Flagg vs. Voldemort Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or The Dark Tower series. I also do not own Mythbusters of any registered shit you see in here. I hope you enjoy :D The three deadliest warrior hosts appear before the camera. “Okay,” begins Geoff, “Today we have a battle of magic versus magic.” The camera changes to show a snake like man in black robes standing before the rubble of Hogwarts Castle. “That’s right,” chirps Max, “And it’s not a case of light versus dark but evil versus evil. Like Freddy versus Jason but on steroids and with magic wands.” The camera shifts to show a frightening man walking down a deserted highway at night; his gaze causes birds on a power line to die, glasses to shatter in waitresses hands and men to develop prostate cancer. “When it comes to dark Wizards,” says Armand, “you can’t really top the sheer evil of Lord Voldemort and Randall Flagg.” “But who is deadliest?” says Geoff, “Now that is the question.” Announcer: Voldemort! Shows the dark lord himself standing over the shattered remnants of the Potter household. He just murdered Harry’s mom and he looks like he liked it. The Dark Wizard who so terrorized the wizarding world that even today his name is unspeakable. The Camera shows a sinister man wearing denim and cowboy boots, he grins as he transforms into a medieval sorcerer and holds up a sinister crystal ball of pink hue that threatens to suck out your soul. Announcer: Randall Flagg, an ever changing, ever plotting sorcerer on a quest to find the dark tower. Shows Flagg dressed in the black robes of a priest, laying down tarot cards for an equally mysterious gunslinger. The first card that comes up . is death. In his thousand year reign of terror, Flagg has killed for pleasure and profit; directly destroying civilizations and worlds. The screen changes to show footage of Flagg and Voldemort standing side by side with their wands drawn. Announcer: Using twenty-first century science, we can now decide which of these powerhouses of evil would prevail in a battle. A dark haired man appears before a cauldron. Announcer: Biomedical expert Geoff Desmoulins will handle the processing of data from this battle. “From a psychological perspective, these guys are a lot like Hernando Cortez and Ivan the Terrible,” Geoff summarises, “I give my edge to Voldemort on this one because for him, murder and torture aren’t a hobby; they’re his career.” Announcer; Former ER doctor, Armand Dorian, tries to kill us all with his DOX energy drink. Seriously, don’t drink it. Armand holds up a bottle of red energy drink, which supposedly has as much tannins as three hundred glasses of red wine. “Don’t bash my drink!” she shouts. “Anyway,” Armand continues, “I have to go with Flagg on this one. Yes, Voldemort was saner than Flagg but Flagg was an infiltrator. He shows the signs of a classic Wall Street psychopath. He won people’s trust and managed to destroy whole kingdoms because of it. He managed to destroy Gilead and the Association. Whereas Voldemort relied on grand acts of terrorism and propaganda of the deed. That underhanded nature is what is going to win Flagg this battle.” The camera pans around the studio in a mini helicopter shot to show a group of strange looking people practicing with weapons and magic spells. The camera settles on a greasy haired man with a hooked nose and black robes. Announcer: Former potions teacher and Death Eater Severus Snape was once one of Voldemort’s most trusted spies. To this match he brings not only unique insight into the Dark Lord’s mind but accurate assessment on the Dark Lord’s enemies. “The Dark Lord is one who truly lusts for power; in his quest for it he crushed all those who opposed him while pursuing a fanatical but very practical master race ideology.” Severus explains, “The Dark Lord made use of several unforgiveable curses in his time, particularly the confundus curse. Hence, no one could be certain who served him of their own free will and who was coerced.” Announcer: Team Flagg has an expert who is equally assured of his side’s villainy. The man in question looks like a rough and ragged cowboy who’s led a life of nothing but pain and hardship and it shows on his weathered face. “I know not the wicked ways of this so called Dark Lord, but I’m more than aware of the foul stench that surround my nemesis Walter O’Dim, or Martin Broadcloak, or Samir Duran or whatever he chooses to call himself.” The cowboy pulls out a hand rolled cigarette and lights it, “Only a true warrior could hope to prevail against such an enemy, and I only did so by the smallest margin.” At the same time, a woman standing next to Roland lets out a bone chilling cackle. She’s a witch, from JK Rowling’s Harry Potter Universe and she looks like she’s graduated from the Azula School of Crazy Bitches with full honors. “What do you know? Just a dusty relic of fallen Gilead!” her sentences are breathy and her words are strangely seductive. Roland is speechless at the sheer freakiness of Bellatrix Lestrange. “Our dear Dark Lord is the greatest Wizard of all time!” she throws her arms in the air as if listening to music that no one else can hear. “Victory is ours!” Roland just raises an eyebrow and puffs his cigarette, “I will walk that way,” he says, before putting some distance between him and the crazy lady. Announcer: The final member of Team Flagg is none other than acclaimed author and confused amoral drug dealer Stephen King, who appeared as a self-insert during the final volumes of the Dark Tower series. Unassuming, bespectacled and somewhat Geeky, Stephen King looks decidedly unimpressive next to Snape’s bat like countenance. “You know, I’ve never seen anyone who acted as smarmily gay as you do,” King says to Snape. In response, Snape shouts, “Expillarmus!” The spell combined with a snap of his wand knocks back Stephen King into a gun rack, where he experiences a great deal of pain. The three hosts go to help up the author. Announcer: Both warriors in this case bring with them a powerful and devastating arsenal of magic spells and abilities as well as decades of experience. Voldemort: Born: December 31st, 1926 True name: Tom Marvolo Riddle Offensive Spells: Avada Kedavera, Fiendfyre, crucio Defensive Spells: expillarmus, aqua scutum Magical animals: basilisk, nagini Special powers: apparition, parsel tongue Randall Flagg: True name: Walter Paddick Born: ????? Aliases: Randall Flagg, Walter O’Dim, Richard Fry, Russell Faraday, Rudin Filaro, Frank Fontaine, Frank Gorland, Samir Duran, Colonel Ackerman . too many to list Offensive Spells:transfiguration, killer tarot cards, controlled lightning Defensive Spells: necromancy, illusion casting, Magical animals: tunnel daemon, enthralled wolves Special powers: shape shifting, dimensional travel Announcer: To get the ball rolling, we start off with offensive spells and team Voldemort takes first crack. The team is once more standing in the verdant green meadow where they do most of their outdoor testing that involves arrows and the less destructive single shot firearms. Snape and Bellatrix seem to be arguing. “Damn you Severus!” hisses the rolling eyed crazy woman. “Why must you conduct the first trial? You are a traitor and you loved a mudblood!” Severus merely brushes off Bellatrix, “Well Bella, first of all, you are very ugly.” She narrows her eyes in fury but Snape has more for her. “Second, if you ever mention Lilly Everson in that context I shall kill with my bare hands.” He sounds utterly calm and collected, “And thirdly I have the benefit of being outbred, with all the advantages that entails.” Stephen King watches the exchange with fascination, “Ouch,” says the mousey writer, “She got served.” Roland just grunts noncommittally and adjusts his cowboy hat, preferring to keep his distance from the crazy witch. Some distance away, looking very out of place is a giant spider the size of a hummer. The giant beast is kept at bay inside a giant, magically enchanted cage. Geoff does a little bit of explaining, “What we have there is one of the giant spiders from the Great forest at Hogwart’s castle’s forbidden forest.” The screen shifts to a series of shots where the team fire assault weapons and even a rocket launcher at the spider to no avail. “After trying out various muggle weapons on this creature,” Geoff elaborates, “We’ll see just how effective the killing curse is on it.” Geoff, Armand and Max all stand behind the protective glass, which will do absolutely nothing if the spider breaks lose and gets past Snape. Armand talks into the camera, “Avada Kedavera is known as the killing curse and is the foremost of the unforgiveable curses; so named because it’ll earn you a lifetime in Azkeban the Wizard’s prison.” Armand turns around to grab some chips that are sitting on the sensor table while Max turns around and starts filling in blanks for his partner, “Avada Kedavera comes from Aramaic which means ‘let it be destroyed’. Originally it referred to illness but the spell evolved to kill people, animals and monsters.” Snape stands ready before the caged spider. “Snape!” Geoff shouts, “are you ready!?” Snape merely nods, not wanting to disgrace himself in front of the American fools.