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1982-1983 Student Newspapers

4-13-1983

College Voice Vol. 6 No. 16

Connecticut College

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Recommended Citation Connecticut College, "College Voice Vol. 6 No. 16" (1983). 1982-1983. 5. https://digitalcommons.conncoll.edu/ccnews_1982_1983/5

This Newspaper is brought to you for free and open access by the Student Newspapers at Digital Commons @ Connecticut College. It has been accepted for inclusion in 1982-1983 by an authorized administrator of Digital Commons @ Connecticut College. For more information, please contact [email protected]. The views expressed in this paper are solely those of the author. CONNECTICUT THE COLLEGE

APRIL 13,1983 "I] it fits, its print." VOL. VI NO. 16 Conn Implements New Campaign

by X.O. Duss for the little critters." In the Administration's Phil Hayden, student latest efforts to come out director of. the Palmer Box from under attack concerning Office, concurs: "L'm really such burning and em- tired of having to put up with barrassing issues as a toilet their inscipent whining when paper shortage, investments they try to pass themselves in Bulgarian rice com- off as only being 12 or modities, and the conscious something, and then wanting admittance of students from some sort of child discount to Jersey City to Conn., the see a movie or concert. I Office of the President has wasn't born yesterday. and announced the start of a new besides, I own this place!' campaign. the name of this Another cashier also favors campaign is the Preservation this new plan. The Cashier at of Connectlcut College's the Accounting Office stated, Future Against the Incursion "All I see are hands and the of Short, Whining People. tops of heads cashing checks President Ames, the author on Friday afternoons, and of this plan, is reported to be never a body or face attached quite ecstatic about the to them. It's a little discon- future implementations and certing, you see, I mean, my results of the campaign. job would be so much easier if could at least see their eyes or "This campaign is nose instead of their hair." something we can all get , Charged with enforcing aU involved in, you know. This Oakes coming down from Mt. Sinai 158 of the requirements set plan is really going to put us down by the plan, Read of clear i:he air here at Conn.cas for anyone· who is''less than serious leek of sleep, than aU. Campus Safety Joseph Bianci on the map. I mean our peer well as the ground in front of 5'10" to be able to reach surviving olfenders wil1 be colleges are really going to stated with ,lee that he us. Oh, I'm so happy that without a 10foot running start further punished by having to stand up and take notice hopefully approved of the something is finally being in order to leap onto the bed. endure endless tape sessions campaign's intent and pur- because this time around, done about the most blatant For those who don't make it, of the Connecticut College we'll be setting the pose. of social blights. I think we've this means that they will have Orchestra. If this still doesn't "I can't wait to get going! precedent." tolerated their presence long to sleep on the floor. But this persuade anyone short to Further specifics con- We are jus! waiting for the enough." too is forbidden. In order to leave school for good, or at Trustees to approve it all, but cerning this new campaign, further ensure that anyone least to transfer to Brown, or the P.C.C.F.A.T.1. of that's nothing more than a A review of one select short will not get any sleep by then more severe methods rubber stamp. It really is S.W.P. for short, were will be sought and applied." requirement laid down by the lying on the floor, lethal about time something was released for the first time (taken from the context of the plan will help illustrate the snakes and spiders will be done to rid this campus of all today in a report marked report) directions of this campaign. unleashed in the dorms to short, whining people. I "confidential" and "top Asked whether she thought There are 158 such roam the halls ...This means mean, they aren't really secret." This report was that anyone not lucky enough this one particular issued (and compiled) under requirements that must be normal, you know. Not like to make it to their lofts, will requirement was a littie you and me (said with a the direct supervision and "followed to the letter," have to spend the entire night extreme, Mary Jane Geiger, whine). They take up guidance of Mrs. Jane starting with the Class of standing up and doing battie Head of Residence, replied: valuable space, space that's Bredeson, Assistant to the 1987: with these creatures. If this •'Look. if you can't cut it, then needed for real people worthy President. Remarked Mrs. "All bed frames in the isn't enough to make one give leave. I mean, it's just of being here at Conn." Bredeson, "I'm very happy dorms will be placed on lofts up the ghost because of a T.F .B. my heart really bleeds about all of this!! It will help that will make it impossible contlllued on pale 7 Scoping Restricted in Dining Halls punishments for those con- victed of meal-time seeping. by C. Garet1e that goes on in the dining however, that Harris is the only real problem spot. "In "The first offense will result Connecticut College will rooms," says Jacobsen. in a warning, and the second soon adopt a student-initiated The plan calls for the the other dorms, everybody gets a chance to take a good offense will lead to the no-scoping policy. Two restriction of scoping in mandatory implementation motivated sophomores, Steve certain areas and dining look at their dorm members every day without having to of blinders on the offender Jacobsen and David Fleish- rooms. In Harris, all seoping during all meals," says man, on the heels of their will be restricted to the do it in the dining room, but in Harris you get all sorts of Cooper. He adds that the third highly acclaimed no-smoking Wright dining room. offense will result in the loss policy, have decided to Marijane Geiger feels that lewd characters trying to get a peak at the girls from the of dining privileges. continue their campaign to this will improve "the con- Dr. McKeehan is also op- ditions at the weekend meals other plex dorms - Sunday clean up the dining halls by timistic that the policy will be immensely. "By keeping all brunch is really the worst." implementing restrictions on effective. "With a little scopin~. the scopers in Wright, we can The enforcement of the plan is up to the students, and student cooperation, the close the portable wall and let policy should run smoothly. the others enj oy their Jacobsen and Fleishman are With the help and en- The girls can also help the nutritionally-balanced meals optimistic that most students couragement of' Residence plan work by wearing warm- without being stared at," will abide by the new Department Director up suits and other unat- says Geiger, adding that restrictions. Jacobsen points Marijane Geiger and the tractive clothing so as not to "this way all the girls who out, however, that "it should director of Student Health encourage seoping," says Services Dr. Frederick liked to be gaped at can just be a matter of common eat in Wright without in- courtesy to consider the ef- McKeehan. McKeehan, Jacobsen and Jacobsen and Fleishman terrupting the serious fect that scoping has on all Fleishman are taking action apparently plan to continue diners ." those present." which they feel is long their crusade to make dining overdue. Similar restrictions will be Failure to comply with the implemented in the other policy will result in a J-board at Conn more pleasant. They are presently working on a "Now that we have gotten dining halls, with scoping offense, and J-board limited to those seats at the Chairman Joe Cooper says proposal that would restrict rid of the disgusting cigarette eating in most of the dining smoke, it is time to do away corner tables that face the that the board has been busy halls. with all the lascivious leering wall. Fleishman believes, deciding on the proper 2

Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh my !

their new friends. "Most National Campaign Chair- decision, none is more importantly," Gerald woman June Linsley ex- exhilirated by this news than Laubach, chairman of the claimed. "1 can just feel the Director of Development, ooze of warm mud squishing board, was heard to say. "is David Edwards, pictured at' our signing over the college between my toes!" But the left welcoming Leadership arboretum to the governors of most exciting development is Gifts Chairman, I.M. the Zoo. They plan to convert sure to be the renovation of Agorilla, to the Core of the lake into a watering hole Buck Lodge into an artificial campaign volunteers. "Just and fence off the many varied insemination center for when I was figuring that surrounding topographies to elephant, water buffaloes and attainment of our goals was best suit the needs of our four- you got it - Camels. College getting to be a sure thing, a legged friends." College president, Oakes Ames, new challenge Comes along. Voice sources tell us that remarked, "The thrill of this Gosh, do I love a challenge'" other major goals of the progressive move will surely College Voice sources are told campaign include converting stimulate increased support that Edwards was so tickled David Edwards and his furry friend. the sloping, mountian laurel amongst our alumni con- by the news that he is con- stituents. 1 can't wait to tell by Morton Wolf needs of the animals. "Dems edged entryway into a mud sidering earmarking his Louise l" In a special, closed-door animals stinks," Joe slide for the animals, drop- annual gift toward the con. meeting of the Board of Smudgworth, town resident ping them off in the lake upon struction of a snake pit in the Trustees, Connecticut College of 66 years, was heard to say. arrival at the bottom. "It But of all the individuals basement of the Development has decided to boost the goal "Yeah," his wife added. sounds 8000 fun!" trustee and involved in this landmark Office. of the Campaign for Con- "Ain't nobody in their right necticut College from $30 mind gonna wanna put up wit million to $100 million and dat shit." subsequently add to the Well, Connecticut College is Campaign the fundraising willing to "put up wit dat Coasties Come -to Please goals of the New London Zoo. shit" and the administration is as excited as ever about it. by T. Kbostey However, this frigid situation mountains and don't take it The New London Zoo has in a drastic measure to is expected to thaw with the literally. I mean, we may outgrown it's quarters and for obtain a true "male " induction of men willing to spend a lot of time on ships a year now the board of Conn. College. population (not the type of matriculate. but it has not affected our directors have been sear- male invertebrates prevalent The Coast Guard males on social priorities." ching for a new home for the at Conn), the Administration loan have no qualms abou the animals. Much to full of shit their has agreed to acquire 200 situation. One Coastie dismay, New London the Coast Guard Cadets on claimed, "Relations between community has been un- Rumor has it that the college You haven't federal loan. When asked to our schools have never been willing to open their is considering some major comment on the recent that intimate, since Conn backyards and fields to the changes in order to welcome had it right acquistion, Dean Watson started accepting boys. Only stated, "The quality of the a few socially active (i.e, male species a t Conn will promiscuous) females have until you've significantly be enhanced and ever entered our neck of the The DOs and DON'Ts this will hopefully remedy the woods. Golly, even our had a Coastie I social frustrations ex- government subsidized perienced by the female Trans-Ams, Camaros and l population." other vehicular phallic Therefore, Conn is looking symbols couldn't get us a eagerly forward to an im- The social relations bet- handshake from a Conn proved and active social of Successful Flirting ween the boys and women at woman. If the mountains atmosphere and a more Conn, have been described by _._-~-~-- -- won't go to Muhammad the satisfied student body. by DAVE TYLER both as being semi-arctic. Muhammad must go to the Flirting is a great way to meet someone. - .but you'll be more suc- cessful at it if you know how to do it right, an expert says. Here are the DOs and DON'Ts of flirting, according to Jane Bredeson, assistant to the President. DO ... DON'T ... · . . decide that flirting is a posi- ·.. think of flirting as something a tive activity that will help you nice person doesn't do - get rid of meet people. all your negative feelings about it. · .. be yourself and emphasize all · .. be a phony. projecting an im- your good points. age that's not the real you - most people will recognize a put-on like that immediately. · .. respond to a person who's in- · .. panic witen the other person terested in you by nodding or responds to your flirting. Instead smiling. try asking, "00 you see something you like?" keep the conversation light · .. get into heavy, controversial and lively by bringing up topics subjects like politics. like a person's job, hobbies or sports they find interesting. · .. project a light, upbeat atti- · .. act unhappy by dredging up ude. past romances that failed or your personal problems. · .. encourage the other person to · . . talk just about yourself. open up and talk about whatever Eager Cadets enter student body interests him. · . . look graceful and relaxed. · .. appear stiff. If you feel tense, walk around until your tension disappears. accept any compliments you · .. apologize or make excuses for Drinking Can get on your appearance. !J:anbeu.y the way you look. · .. keep an open mind about the · .. have a mental image of what type of person you want to meet. kind of person you're looking for. You might overlook a fine person Cure Painful Urinary IMections who simply doesn't meet all your , requirements. \

.,

or so says National Enquirer reader Mary Jane Geiger ;p ~ S'> Emily Abbey On the Move Again ..~ ti' of their rooms. By being Ii; cooperative program. "I remember that we don't offer forced to patrol all the time, ~ 7 realize that it may be a little the co-op program for the I we will be able to punish the", .J crowded, but the Future's I living quarters alone, there real criminals on this cam-a. Committee has assured me are more important reasons pus; the people who park::: , that it can house 24-26people to live in a co-op than a big their goddamn cars without a!-'J comfortably, and I always room." sticker!" exclaimed an ex-~ believe everything the Leroy Knight, Treasurer of cited Sylvia. She added that~ Future's Committee tells the College, explained the "this way I'll be able to write me." move as a financial necessity. up a t least 40 or 50 more "Although we are not exactly tickets a day, and since sure of the ligures, this move Michael's Arco has 24-hour Dean of Student Affairs should save us - uh - I don't towing service, we'll be able Margaret Watson recognizes know - a couple o' bucks, to two the suckers' cars all that there are some anyway," nlght !" problems, but remains op- And how does campus Is Abbey planning to mount timistic about the plan. "It securtiy feel about getting another well-coordinated will need some renovation; ousted from their little defense of their beloved we will have to install a hot shack? Great, according to home? Doubtful, according to plate for their cooking, and Officer Sylvia ..... (unable to Byron Woollen, who led their we may have to add an attain last name), more last effort. "It was sucha pain outhouse, but as long as we commonly known as in the ass trying to get Future location of Conn's co-opdorm don't allow too many obese "Tlcketron." "Now no one students and faculty involved students in there, it should be can loaf around in the shed. last time, I'm not sure we can faculty appeals to leave alright." Watson added that They'll be forced to patrol 24 do it again," said a dejected by Granola N. Sprouts Abbey alone, has decided to "there are really a number of hours a day, which is the way Woollen. "Do you know how The Emily Abbey House, move the co-op to the Campus advantages to living in the it should be. After ",II, the only many goddamned 'letters to which has been the center of Security shed. shed. It has a perfect thing they do in the shed is the editor' we had to write? I -c- controversy for the past two President Oakes Ames loca tion, right in the center of answer phone calls from silly just don't know what we'll do months, is apparently on the : feels that the shed, af- the campus, and the windows little girls that are afraid to about the shack - I guess move again. The ad- . fectionately referred to as the on all sides really give it the walk back to their dorm at we'll wait 'til May Day and ministration, undaunted by i "pinkie shack," will be a best view of any building on night, and from dolts who hope somebody blows the widespread student and . perfect home for the campus. You have to keep looking themselves out fuck-g thing up."

Course Catalog 1984 byG. Wellor

BIOLOGY 328 MODJ!:RN EUGENICS - The principles of selective breeding using genetic manipulation techniques. Lectures cover the theoretical and practical aspects of this exciting new field. Required for pre-med students. Prerequisite, Biology 262, advanced genetic engineering. Staff.

GOVERNMENT 238 PRACTICAL APPLICATIONS OF MACHIAVELLIAN THOUGHT - The theory of control in a dog-eat-dog world. Readings Will be taken from a broad spectrum of writers, including Lenin, Hitler. and of course Big Brother. Open to Juniors and Seniors, and Sophomores who have taken a basic course in government. M. Myers.

HISTORY 107 AN INTRODUCTION TO WESTERN CIVILIZATION - Course cancelled. History is currently being rewri tten. Expected to be offered in 1985.

HUMANITIES 111 NEWSPEAK - In depth analysis of the third edition of the Newspeak Dictionary. Required. Fulfills Conn graduates Rob Ingram, Rob, 'Caveman'Gibb and Herb Holtz the requirement for Area 3 in the Program for General Education. A. Johnson.

PHILOSOPHY 100· FRESHMAN SEMINARS IN Juli and Caveman lead Tribe of Grads PHILOSOPHY PEACE IS WAR - Study of the development of by B.C. Grad viable major (as opposed to a of viable majors, what about this triumphant idea in western thought-. Enrollment limited to Due to the depressed job gut) for career oriented being a Chinese major? Talk IS students. M. Woody. market, Conn's graduating students? Besides allowing a about viable. Over I billion of Class of '83 has formed into a person to analyze the in- those prolific people exist in PHYSICAL EDUCATION 001 MORNING CALISTHENICS - hunting and gathering society tellectual development of a the world. So why do they Mandatory for all students. 6:30 a.m. We will be watching you. under the tutelage of two year old or informing you need one more to speak the M. Geiger. Professor Juli -a post grad of the best seller list of language? Besides, they're advisor. In the young alumni children's books what does it short and can't pronounce trustee elections Robert do? their "r's. JJ WritingCenter Slips "Caveman" Gibb was elected A) Allows a 21 year old to If you want advice on Post to represent the graduating carryon a babbling con- 1. Don't never use no double negatives. Grad Careers (seems to be an tribe of '83. versation with an infant. 2. The passive voice is to be eschewed. oxymoron), don't even waste The qualities obtained from B) Teaches new techniques your time. Go to the YMCA 3. If you avoid cliches at all costs, you'll be as right as rain. a liberal arts education have 4. If your subject and verbs does not agree, you'll be in trouble. of breast feeding. where you can get a good not been marketable this year C) You have me stumped. meal or join the Navy. But 5. Corect speeling is importent. or for that matter - ever. 6. If you select vocabulary simply to impress, you'll be ob- D) Nothing. remember carry an Can Child Development Answer: C, American Express Card fuscatory. rationally be considered as a 7. Whatever you do dont neglect to be sure tbat youve punc- While we're on the subject don't leave Conn without it! tuated correctly

/ Grinders Pitchers m- S Pizzas

HAPPY HOURS: 4 - 6 Mon.-rri. 9 - 11 Thurs. 2 - 4 Sal. Take Out Orders Complete Menu 452 Williams St. 447-0400 Kitchen Open Dally 'till 1:00 a. m. Phil Mozart and his buddy Lee working on the new sports complex. •

...======.. ~ , c:; <.; ~.... Bitchin -~======}Pilgrim Air , Martha Speaking

by Seymour .... Ide call "Watch your head '" just come by (it'd have to be an It all started with one little as I attempted to carry my 5' awfully small one) but a cup phone call. frame through the 4.5ft. door. of hot coffee to calm my "Pilgrim Airlines, Martha Once standing inside the nerves would have been nice. speaking." plane with my hunchback Vet once the emergency "I'd like to make a posture and throbbing head, I instructions were called back reservation on the 4:00 flight surveyed the situation. from the cockpit, I'd resigned to New London, CT." Already seated were 5 crew myself to the fact that there'd "Oh, you called just in cuts and 2 business suits. I likely be no dinner served on time, we have only one seat hobbled to join an overweight this flight. left. Name please?" suit on one of the 2 ft. wide slabs. Upon fastening my seat As for what actually I'd known it was the peak belt, I elbowed the suit in the happened from the moment season for airline travel and ear and got my knee caught the plane started taxiing wasn't particularly surprised under the seat in front of me. down the runway until the that the other couple hundred When at last I sat up straight, next time I hit my head, I people had gotten there I discovered the seat back don't remember too much. I before me. The surprises barely touched my 10th had my eyes closed a lot. I accumulated once 'd left the vertebra and' the suit had know I never saw a cloud, 747 at Gate 9 in La Guardia shifted to where he was now although once I would almost and approached the sitting on part of my pant leg. swear I could make out a Convict Wants miniscule Pilgrim counter It didn't look like there'd be Michael Chrysler Plymouth hidden under the escalator. any sleep on this trip. sign. My stomach hadn't My watch read 3:40, but there Then the man responsible performed such gymnastics White Women was no line. The agent for my migraine entered, since the time I got stuck standing behind the desk slammed the safety hatch, hanging upside down at glanced up from "Mommie inched his way through Dear Editor: doesn't follow you around Disneyland for 3 hours. Many I am an appeal to your Dearest" and grabbed a flailing elbows and knees up times I had visions of losing it after you use it." Christ, I clipboard. After scribbling to the front of the craft and on the clean uniform in front newspaper on a desperate wouldn't mind putting up with down my name next to a took a seat in the cockpit. Oh of me, and I'd thought only quest. I am presently in- that type of situation scant few others, she con- an all purpose employee! roads had pot holes. carcerated at the Washington especially since I'm going n~ fiscated my purse saying How useful! Does he do So, my point is, what kind of State Prison at Walla Walla. I where for the moment. there'd be no room on board. windows too? I tightened my people "would subject hail from Piscataway, N}, am It's hard to stay in touch She then directed me to a seat belt. themselves to this kind of 24 years old, well built and with reality, since I haven't trash-lined corner filled with punishment? After that first black plastic seats and a horny, had it in such a long time, I guess there's something time, I swore I'd never go Hey man, let's just forget Come on baby, don't be shy, dozen people hidden behind within 100 yards of a plane about not knowing exactly 'bout that pen-pal crap Reggie !'ll take you on an immortal newspapers. She said we'd be how a plane is staying in the smaller than my car again. sent you last issue. I'm not boarding in 5 minutes. What, air and who is keeping it there Yet I've done it six times. Is ride. Have a little sympathy for no gate? No purse? I began to that usually makes a flight there something about a looking for verbal intercourse, a guy who wants to get back get suspicious. such an exciting experience. challenge that makes a The reason why I'm appealing into the mainstream of social But watching that guy in the college student jump. or is it to your paper is that I know promiscuity. Hey, but From the minute 1 set eyes faded leans spin those dials just the feasability of doing there's a lot of White women remember -this word of war- on that orange and green and adJiJst1Iis'eiifpnones only something in 50 minutes that at Conn. Hell, the words out ning: Herpes doesn't kill, but I dollhouse version of an air- made me think about physics normally takes 3 hours? I about Conn women here in the do - Dig? plane, I knew I'd made a and the gravitational theory. offer no answers. But let me fudge factory. It goes like this, Tyrone Greene mistake. After carefully Even I knew that anything tell you, as soon as I make "What's the difference bet- No. 69696969 inching my way up metal that goes up must come down. just one more little phone call ween a toilet and a Conn girl" P.O. 80.348 By this time I wasn't really you won't be .catching me stairs half the size of my feet, The answer is, "The toilet Walla Walla, Wa. 99362 I heard, a hearty male voice expecting a stewardess to there.

Thorn Lamond: An All Around Guy CONNECTICUT THE COLLEGE To the Editor: that Mr. Lamond has been example for all other office I feel that it is only too astute enough to go through managers to follow. rarely that the little guys in the three secretaries in the past My only regret is that I was VOIDE College's administration get year. Such aparently inept unable to hear Mr. Lamond speak about "Effective Office recognition for their dedicated secretaries probably shouldn't The Voice is a non-profit, editorially independent, student-run service to our school. I want to have been hired in the first Management" at the CASE newspaper and is published weekly during the academic year. Editorial take this opportunity to place, and I'm sure the Per- conference in Nashville last offices are located in Room 212, Crozier- Wil/ia'TI.s. Mailing address: Box commend Thorn Lamond for sonnel Department is grateful week. His willingness to share 1351, Connecticut College, New London, CT 06320. Phone: (203) 447- performance above and that he disposed of them so his expertise is another 1911. Ext. 7236, beyond the call of duty, efficiently. exemplary attribute that "The New York Ti-nes it ain't, but we'll take 0'1 the Enquirer anyti'ne." Recently, I learned that he In February, Mr. Lamond should be emulated by all. Editor Kenneth Lankin had his secretary typeset all of injured his back shoveling In closing, I would like to the documents that were being, snow. I must compliment him say that this man unselfishly Assistant Editor Mark Jordan sent out to be typeset. What a on the smooth way he per- provides and excellent role Business Manager Nina Elgo boon for the poor typesetters suaded his secretary to tie his model for all of the future Assistant Business Manager Ann Babcock at Thames Printing - it sure shoes for him. In a time when office managers who are now Managing Editor Jennifer Price made the documents much less able bosses have been students at Conn; I hope News Editor Maria Wyckoff easier for them to read. Such dragged into court by their someday to be able to do as Senior Writer Michael Schoenwald consideration for our fellow secretaries over such mundane well. Secretary 'Tina Libenson human beings is rarely seen in issues as coffee pots, this Sincerely, Arts & Entertainment Eric Jacobson Matthew H. Trask this day and age. display of managerial acumen Sports Editor Steve Lau will provide an outstanding RTC'84 Furthermore, I understand Art Editor Karen Bachelder Assistant Art Editor Debbie Lowry Photography Editor Jon McEwan Features Editor Steve Wilson TeHennepe's Logic Columnist : Garry Bliss Circulation Coordinator Charles O'Leary Social Board Representative Howard Gefen

God IS love. Business Staff - Ann Clark

Love IS blind. Layout Staff - Michael Julian, Heather Lane, Bill Walter, Charles Wurts, Susan Zuckerman, Carley Rand, Ray Charles IS blind. Susan Brown, Alan Stemstein Ray Charles is God. ==- ==M=o=a=m=·n~'======~~

;;-======~ ~ IkJ.Y. ys Girl ~ ....i!: Let's Just Be Friends -"".... by HermanGrant when it comes to clothes. first of all, with JaneTorrey everything has to match. If something ~ When I was seventeen I had a girlfriend doesn't match, out it goes.Secondly, a girl named Eileen and through a series of will typically open a full closet of clothes unusual events we managed to be sprawled and then complain bitterly that she doesn't on the living room floor in the privacy of my have any outfits to wear. Men buy clothes aunt's apartment one fine spring day. She when their old ones wear out' Girls buy coaxed me to make love to her but I refused clothes whenever something catches their for three reasons.first of all, it was 4 o'clock fancy. Men usually have three or four pairs in the afternoon and my aunt was liable to of shoes.Girls usually have enough shoesin Q. Social Security? come home at any minute. Secondly, in their closets to outfit the Pennsylvania those days Jesusused to sit on my shoulder National Guard. watching my every action and somehow I Girls are overly preoccupied with their A. Bottle Bill simply couldn't justify having intercourse appearance. Whenever they look in the with Eileen to the greater glory of God. But mirror they seethemselvesas overweight or the chief reason I abstained was because I flat-chested. Girls can not take a regular felt that I was being abused.Eileenwas used shower like men do. No, they have to make by RogerCameron housewives who would work' to dating neighborhood bullies, thieves, their hair do one thing ana their forget everything you know for the' mere satisfaction of thugs, machos, misfits, psychopaths, and skin do another. Men go into the about the Social Security getting out of the house. Each unemployed alcoholic and drug addicts, but shower with shampoo and a bar of soap. system in this country. I take retiree could pack a lunch and being a good Roman Catholic, she believed Girls go into the showerwith a whole bucket Don Peppard'sPublic finance make a day of itl "They'd be neither in abortion nor birth control. Since I of items: four different kinds of soap, two course,and I can tell you that getting more exercise and was somewhat different than most of her shampoos, herbal rinse, conditioner, facial social security takes away putting food on the table with boyfriends in that I wasn't a Neanderthal creams,and powder. Speakingof bathrooms, incentives to both work and every 5 cent returnable," said brute, it became apparent that Eileen was in a social setting girls can never go to the save, and, if things continue one State Representativefrom trying her best to make me a father and, by bathroom by themselves; they always go in the way they exist now, the New York. He failed to logical extension, her husband,provider, and pairs. money wiII eventually run out. mention the bonus of bottle saviour from the dismal streetsof Manyunk. When it comes to language girls are The solution: Let it. that can net as much as 40 Yet I should have known better than to alwayslooking for sexualinnuendos. When a The real answeris the bottle cents when returned. havegotten my self into that situation in the man asks a girl to go someplace with him, bill. Every New England state Rufus Eagleton,president of first place. We weretold (in the all-male high the girl automatically thinks, "Is he asking except New Hampshire and the Massachusetts-based school I attended] that girls were an me out for a date? Are there sexual con- Rhode Island has passed the group, Persons En- anathema that must be avoided. We were notations? Is this a potential husband?"God bill into law. I am from vironmentally Concerned warned that they were a poison that would forbid you should ask a girl out for a drink Massachusetts (the newest About Nations (PECAN),said, imperil the successof any young man. In- without her interpreting it that it meansyou bottle law state), and, take it "There is a veritable goldmine deed had I not had the strength to resist want to jump her bones for the rest of the from me, we love it. Sure, we out there in returnable bottles. Eileen, I might be an auto mechanic living semester.Girls always think they have you pay a little more for our case I see it on my way to work with an overweight wife and fourteen figured out when in reality they don't know, of diet ginger ale, but in the every day. If you project that children in an economy apartment today. as we say in Scout camp, "diddlv squat." end, isn't it really money in each retiree can get 100,000 But the reason why girls are manipulative is Girls, especially at Connecticut College, your pocket? You know it is. bottles in a year - and that because Jb.ey "are .. iJ;Ji.Qsyncratic and will complain and complain that they don't How, you may ask, does the ligure is by no means out of ultimately inferior to men. getdates. Soyou tell them to be assertive,be cold hand of Social Security·fit the question - that's a nice Girls can't drive and are forever late, aggressive. But the girls refuse, leaving the into the warm mitten of the little income." nagging. mothering, giggling, and shopping. responsibility of "asking" to the male, who bottle bill1 Here's how .. Every great idea is not They promise to be someplace at a specific must muster the courage to perform the act First take every person over without some drawbacks, time and they show up two hours later. They of invitation. Now the girl hasbeen dying for the age of 65, i.e. retired. four however. There is the like to be mothers even if they're not yet. weekswaiting for the man to ask her out, but days a week, send them out possibility of young, school- "Do your homework and fix your shirt!" Girls when he finally does, the girl acts with a into the surrounding corn- age children snatching up have an annoying preoccupation for details: casual air of indifference. At the end of the munity for an all-out bottle some bottles to buy bubble eating the soup just the proper way and first date the girl will give the man one of and can s'cavenger hunt. gum or Grateful Dead tickets. using the right fork for the salad. two lines. If the girl is not romantically or Transportation is provided by "Don't worry," one Governor Girls are highly hypocritical. They are otherwise inclined toward him she will say, rent-a-car agencies in return assured me, "we'll keep the pernicious gossipersand spendmost of their "Let's justbe friends," which meansthat they for promotional. con- little scamps off the streets." time gossipingabout how so-and-sois such a never will be. In fact it means they will be siderations. Drivers would be Stay tuned. terrible gossip. Girls demand equal rights, mortal enemiesand won't even acknowledge that is, until the sun goes down. Then they each other when passing on the sidewalk. want to be treated, wined, dined, and walked The other possible responseis, "I don't want home so they won't be raped. Girls always to comromise my freedom." Well what the pretend they are on a diet so when you ask hell is freedom, going out with a different Believe it or Else them out for something to eat they'll order guy every night? eight hot fudge sundaesand a Tab. Sothe man doeshis bestto accommodate borhood" fame. Says-Brian. Girls are the slaves of pop culture: soap the girl but eventually she starts to volun- by Ben SpanJdn "Fred was always a sick little operas, disco music, and glamour tarilv compromise her freedom so that he Betsy James is a direct runt. and the only way he magazines.They areaddicted to soap operas doesn't have any freedom either. The girl descendant of Jesse James. 'could ever get anything was and live in a fantasy world. When disco becomes increasingly dependent so that the train robber. to make believe." music comes on they feel compelled to start everytime he turns around she'sat his heels. Oakes Ames is not a direct Constance Cole is ac- dancing whether you're at party or a The reasonwhy men are in the market for a descendant of Oakes Ames. credi ted to have been the first the scoundrel who was in- person ever to have made shopping mall. Girls readglamour magazines girlfriend in the first place is to share a volved with the Credit to . help them with their relationships, meaningful time, not for a puppy dog. Man "Cole" slaw. It happened Mobilier scandal and the only quite accidentally when she clothing, and etiquette. They can't be breaksup with girl becauseof this. Girl can't American Congressman ever was training for a track meet themselves; they need a magazine to tell understandwhy. Shehatesman for critically to be censured. and ran through a cabbage them how to act. wounding her emotional state and sub- Lester Rel.s is the original patch with spiked running Girls are the pawns of Madison Avenue sequently has all forty of her friends hating inventor of the Reese's shoes. and our materialistic culture, especially him just as much. (Reiss's) Cup and Reese'. The Greenpeace Movement Pieces. but he sold the patent got its name from Garrett rights when he entered Green. However the whole the seminary. thing was a typical Mullerian ~~ 11,,1· f. ~~~-lJ~~,JI II ~ Dean Alice Johnson and slip of the language. Mr. . -ji-- ~/ \ I r'''--/''--/' -~ \. ~ Dean Frank Johnson are the Green was attending a ~ founders of Johnson & barbecue in his native ~ I - ( ~) ~~~---..!..-- Johnson. Since they had so California where whale meat \ r ..J - ~ _~_ much experience in dealing was being served. A debate with cry-babies. they decided broke out as to whose piece to enter college politics. was whose and by matching Tom Havens owns nearly teeth marks someone one third of southern Con- proclaimed that a particular necticut. Today we have East portion 01 meat was "Green's Haven, North Haven, West Piece." Another story has it Haven and New Haven. that the "Green Movement" However in bygone days the in Germany started when a area was simply referred to group of radical students as "The Havens'," from Tubingen took to heart a Brian Rogers is the older speech by Garrett Green brother of Fred Rogers of describing his hippie "Mister Rogers' Neigh- lifestyle. o

Willauer and Watson Shuffle off to Buffalo by Dally Bones Mr. Willauer. as well, is two faculty members, but unabashedly anticipating his wished them well in their Margaret Watson, Dean of new career move. "It's hard ventures. Students, and Professor for me to conceive that I've George Willauer of the waited all these years to take English Department, have this step," he stated. resigned their positions, at Watson and Willauer made The "Charleston" troupe Connecticut College, effective their Conn debut on stage, in will be traveling across the April 8, to join a traveling full authentic costume, at the country performing ren- "Charleston" dance troupe. Twenties Weekend Cabaret. ditions of the twenties' dance The announcement of the It was at this performance. fad, from Washington, D.C. to resignations came as a while high-stepping to the 20's San Francisco, throughout surprise to the Ad- sounds of "Tuxedo Junction." the coming year. Their year ministration and the student that the two flappers were of touring will culminate with body, but neither Dean spotted by a talent scour, who an appearnace at the Mardi Watson nor Mr. Willauer managed to sneak into the Gras Festival in New have any regrets about crowded ConnCave. He ap- Orleans, Louisiana. in March leaving the college. proached them after the show of 1984. and closed the deal over "I'm just thrilled that this Spring Break. Watson and Willauer also wonderful opportunity has stated that they would make a finally arrived," exclaimed "considerable effort" to Watson. She said she "loved" President Oakes Ames and juggle their schedules to being in the limelight and Dean Alice Johnson said they appear at next year's dancing has always been her were "very disappointed" to Twenties Weekend at the Oakes opens comedy hour secret fantasy. hear of the departures of the college. Oakes Shovels It On by Foul Bear campus otherwise 'we Oakes Ames hosted Conn's wouldn't be doing our jobs. first Comedy Hour, held at The hockey rink will suffice." the Dayton Arena. This was an attempt by the ad- A capacity crowd of 300 ministration to enhance the attended the event and were diversity of the social events professionlly entertained by at school, other than Dean Head Administrator Oakes Johnson playing her nose. Ames. One student cried. In it's typically practical "Oakes was an absolute riot. manner of.running i.mportant Who ever said astro- events, the Administration physicists are as dryas decided to hold the event at martinis? He really knew the rink to accommodate the how to play the crowd. His huge crowds. Renovated .:rcl ... ~..I, charisma and brilliance were we feel fully qual- overpowering. We sure have Palmer Auditorium was i£ed to know how .no.ek absolutely ruled out as a -siLt 10 be built. O. Ameo an entertainer for a manl ~I and conotructiol:l ate president! .. possible site for the event. hued on lhio knowledae and ape.. Dean Watson explained, eeeee with the relllit dwO.A.eo The Comedy Hour was a .haftls are the ~ 1ItaDd· "Despite the ice, there is ani of the world. MMk in all complete success and Oakes ample room for a good crowd ttyleo. and meo lot all p~ had a great time. Oakes siad, W lim todaJ I... Sboffi. Fecb'. at Comedy Hour at the rink. "ft just shows you what you Ob,orA..SSo.. We cannot endanger the ••• po ..... , .. can do if you're in the shovel pristine quality of Palmer ... lid., 0-_ business." just to satisfy the entire Art Dept. Commissioned to Paint Submarine red, green. blue, orange, But the chairman of the by Molsh McNamee yellow and purple paint along Young Republican Party on Peter Leibert, Chairman of with 400 brushes. campus vowed "to protect the Art Department, A series of meetings is that submarine with our ....~ disclosed today that the being held this week among teeth" and that "the Con- Erickson the newest Go-Go Electric Boat Division of Art Department professors to necticut College Judiciary , General Dynamics had of- determine the color Board will do more than E · k J. GG' fered to pay $30 million to arrangement on the sub- simply prosecute offenders." ric son olns 0 0 S Connecticut College if a marine but according to Rumor has it that the number of art students would Professor David Smalley, Environmental Protection paint one of its submarines. "We may wind up just going Agency will try to take the "We figure that a painted around the damn thing and submarine project to the local by Hunter S, Thompson in the jealous games people submarine will not only scare throwing on selected colors at district court as the creation With the continued com- play, our lips are sealed." off all enemy submarines in random." of a public eyesore, but as one mercial success of the Go Lisa is absolutely thrilled at our coastal waters but will President Oakes Ames of Art Department faculty Go's, an all female. pre- the lucrative job offer and help the Soviets understand Connecticut College, asked to rnern ber put it "too much of pubescent New Wave group, plans to accept. To get into Go our concepts of modern art," comment on the project, our outdoor sculpture has they have decided to enlarge Go shape. she's been roller said Defense Secretary spoke of using the rather been vandalized to let them thei r band in hopes of skating and doing other Caspar Weinberger. substantial revenue in the take this baby away from maintaining their popularity. Valley activities. "Besides, Mr. Reagan and I College's campaign to make us." The group has selected Conn In the Displacement Office are bored with the color green certain physical im- Reaction at the Electric College Senior Lisa Erickson Betsy James' is positively and giving the job to Con- provements to the campus. Boat production was mixed. '83 to be the new member. ecstatic at this seemingly necticut College is one less "Tt's just that I haven't told The Head Foreman of EB However, several persons new employment opportunity group of. students who we the trustees yet that the was irate. "All that welding in the music circles at Conn and is willing to promote the have to worry about for campus may smell like and CUlling to let a bunch of doubt her musical or vocal talent of Conn's new wave financial aid payments." turpentine for a few weeks," hippies turn a quality-crafted abilities. Quite frankly, she group, "Malfunktion." She he admitted. submarine into a hunk of seems to be devoid of any exclaimed, "Those boys know Pablo Picasso, a senior art flowering metal!" Another rock and roll talent. When how to really get down and Leibert said that the sub- major, expressed excitement employee seemed rather asked to explain their boogie." Therefore, she has marine will be driven up the over the project but also a indifferent. "As long as my decision, lead singer Belinda cancelled a majority of next Thames to the Coast Guard certain fear that "anti- daughter can sign her name Carlisle stated, "Can you years diverse array of cor. Academy and hauled onto the government demonstrators on the submarine or draw a porate recruiters, in order to Harkness Green where the hear them? They talk about might come to the campus picture of her gerbil or accommoda te talent scouts painting will take place. EB us, telling lies, well that's no and mess the whole thing something, I will be perfecUy from I.R.S., Stiff and Virgin will provide 200 gallons of surprise." She continued HIt up." happy." doesn't matter what they 'say, records. ;p ~ '" Prevent Procrastination, Organize your time ..~ ~ by Moe Grall Now that you've chosen straighten it up as soon as you so bad. It may even put you in . 5; Like most students you At DIne o'clock the next '" your topic you must set about .et home from lunch. A a clear-thinking, alert frame morning jump out of bed and .g,. probably tend to have great writing the paper. But first messy, unorganized room of mind. Don't play more than difficulty getting your papers curse your alarm clock. as J:. you'll need a good pen. Our makes clear thinking more four games though; you have you plug in your typewriter. :: written on time. In most difficult. Now sit down wilh own campus book store has to get going on that paper. S" cases this stems from your an ample selection to choose your new pen an some clean Once back in your room try to Make sure you use erasable ~ unnecessarily frittering away from, Take your time paper and begin to write. In concentrate and work typing paper and that you ~ your precious time. Fear not, choosing the right pen. It's case you have trouble getting through your paper. Keep the have plenty of erasers on though, for this problem can extremely important that you started I've found that doing day-dreaming and doodling to hand; erasers seem to get lost easily be solved by learning buy one you like, since a lousy a crossword puzzle will put minimum. If friends come by how to organize your time pen will only cause you you in a clear thinking. to visit play no more than five as often as you need them properly. Here's how it's frustration and put you in no academic frame of mind. If hands of cards, explaining when you're typing. You done: mood to write a paper. Be you have not finished the that you have this paper that should be able to type, and Let's say that on Thursday sure not to spend more than crossword puzzle by four has to be finished by morning. maybe even proof-read your you're told to write a brief twenty minutes browsing o'clock, make yourself put it You may begin to feel very paper (depending upon how (about 3 pgs.) paper, to be through the magazine etc., down and turn your attention nervous at about eleven fast you type) by ten-forty handed in on the following before leaving the bookstore; back to your paper. If you're o'clock but just relax. You'll five at the latest. This gives you plenty of time to meet Wednesday morning at you don't want to waste too still having trouble, write an get it done. If you are your II o'clock deadline. If eleven. The first thing you much precious time. Another outline. Outlines can be beginning to feel a little must then do is to choose a thing you will need before tremendously helpful. Once drowsy it will help to run to you can slick lightly to this topic. So as not to waste too sitting down to write your you've written your outline Cro for coffee or a Coke. schedule, not allowing much time making this paper is a full stomach. Being and have a clear picture of When you return. remind yourself to procrastinate too choice try following these hungry will only make it hard what you want your paper to yourself to relax and continue much, you'll find yoursell three steps: think of and to concentrate so it is a smart say, it's time to begin your to work through your paper. meeting your deadlines every ponder at least fifty potential idea at this point to eat some introduction. About half-way Around this time your panic time; and the sense of topics, discuss many of these I"!.nch. Try to get back from through your introduction you should begin to turn into an satisfaction, and ac- topic ideas with friends in luitch by about two-thirty so should begin to feel hungry energetic ability to con- complishment you'll feel will your search for good ideas, that you can get an early start and in the mood for a well- centrate and your paper will be much greater than it is early Tuesday morning (no on your paper. deserved study break. If you become fun. interesting, and when you don't meet your later than eleven o'clock) eat dinner at Cro snack shop effortless. When you've deadlines. So for your own decide to write on the first try not to play any video. finished, set your alarm clock good, I urge you to. try it. topic you originally thought games on the way home. If You'll be glad you did. If your room is a mess for seven o'clock and go of. you do feel the need it's not straight to bed. /.r----~~~7~~---~------~\, / ...... \ the new campaign / . \ continued from page 4 gone here at Conn. Hell, we / \ give these damn kids / '\ Asked as to why it was everything!! A little shortage /, short, whining people that of the old T.P., and everybody / '.\ were going to be persecuted, starts crapping!! Just can't / t\ President Ames was quick to satisy the little suckers. What '\ point out that it wasn't per- do they want for $12,000 '\ secution at all, but anyway - coffee mugs or ,/ ... .\ something?" \ "assimilation into the , schematics of arbitrary Herb Holtz, President of normalcy as dictated by a SGA, was not available for an immediate and direct \ realism of absolute , necessities." He further comment, but did mumble replied; "We want to help something to the affect that I he would organize an open I them. But if they don't measure up, then they'll be forum or sub-committee to , review the situation. Another measured out." mem ber of the Ad- , I "Besides, all of this is just a ministration, Dean Alice , , clever ruse, a screen, that Johnson, curiously sporting a we're throwing into new pair of platform shoes, everyone's face so we don't refused to say a word on the \ have to answer anymore subject but did make some , I hand signs to the affect that , , embarrassing questions as to she was ready and able to tow , ,, where all that toilet paper has the line for President Ames. \ , \ , \ f \ , \ f \ / \ / \ / \ //

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'Hey, short guy, ya wanna be like me?' 'Sure, you can do dati' Chinary Ung Mask

GENERAL BRUCE KIRMMSE (part-time associate professor of history), led a successful coup d'etat in El Salvador last weekend. Said the 'Kirmmz," '1was getting sick and tired of Yours To Clip and Save the CIA [arting around down there, so I took things into m.y own hands." Word has it that Danish will be the new national language. Shorts Sailing team has lost its wind

the physiological charac- Island. As a result, there was teristics of uncontrolled an excess of coming about on by Solly Firestone the first windward leg." But The Pierce Commission, faltulence. and vacuous expressions (mistakenly when the Pierce Com- charred by Assistant mission's tests were finally Professor of Zoology Ben- attributed to just severe mental retardation). completed, it was concluded jamin A. Pierce, has the Charles was the real published its final report on Genotypically, the messenger and transfer RNA chronically source. the genetic health of the "The Charles has the sailing team. The report get the sequences of genetic code bungled and as a result, consistency of industrial concluded that the DNA of bouillabaisse" stated Dr. sailor such as Peter Shope, imperfect reproduction results and cells consequently Pierce. He continued, "When Jeff Rubin, and Virginia they dumped in the drink they Pasternek was absolutely mutate. When the stench became consequently consumed screwed up. In the Com- lethal amounts of the muck." mission's investigations, as to unbearable, team captain John Harvey decided With the conclusion the cause of the severe reached. the sailing team genetic disorder t it concluded something had to be done. Jeff Rubin said, "At first, decided to stop snacking the Charles River in Boston, between dumps. Harvey to be the source. team members thought the disorder was due to being exclaimed," Boy, sitting Symptoms of the genetic down wind was murder! 1" disorder, labled Geneticus excessively blown off shore during a regatta off of Fire McCabe and Lukosius bowling Interuptus, appear to take on Blocks for Jocks

• practices. the Connecticut New Bowleg Team • Connecticut College finally College crew team worked has a new athletic complex. steadily fitting the 150,000 The building, which occupies. polystyrene plastic pieces a site opposite Dayton Arena, together. Better than the Norm was put up over spring break. The new complex includes Financing was provided by an indoor football stadium, When questioned about his relationships. " an unexpected donation from by Rose Clementberg Maureen McCabe was only bobsled track, jello wrestling and Green Haroldberg unusually low score of 17, Campus Security. Ap- pit, bowling alleys, boxing Richard Chaffee explained too willing to tell us of her parently, the fund was The Art and Art History experiences as high .school rings, and a polo field. Departments announced that, as an archi"tectural created by money collected Athletic director Charles enthusiast. he- was at a bowling champion. "Well, I from this year's parking early last week the formation grew up in a small town, very Luce commented, "I'm of a joint bowling team. disadvantage. "You see, the tickets. pleased." He further in- support system of the roof middle class, you probably The building was con- Spearheading the project will never heard of it. Quincy, dicated that a Connecticut be Tim McDowell and Bar- was similar to the flying structed from a kit designed based USFL franchise may buttresses of the Gothic era. Massachusetts? No. I by archi tects Andy Warhol bara Zabel, who will serve as didn't think so anyway. establish its home field in the co-captains to the team. However, the modern and Milton Bradley. Between complex. reproduction was fairly when I was five you see. my In an interview held mother never realized my recently, department unstable, and I could not help but worry that, at any artistic potential.. ..She used members discussed un- to say 'Maureen, stop foreseen difficulties in moment, the roof would - collapse." collecting all chis organizing the team. Co- junk .... anyway, she Crew Catches Crabs; captian Zabel mentioned the The official season began last Tuesday night with a suggested Itry bowling ....oh I all-too-<:ommon problem that was very athletic in high many bowlers dread - hair truly action.packe.1, fast- paced scorcher of a game schooL ..and I was a dancer but keeps on coming in the eyes. Her solution: cut too.... Where was I? .... Oh yes, it off. Said Zabel, "Now I can against the team from Norm's Diner. When we I was a terrific bowler. I was see the pins clearly and I named "Golden Bowler" of asked Cynthia Rubin and Ted by Beer Jerky "It's the spartan living don't have to fuss with it." Quincy High ... .I really think Hendrickson to comment on While stroking the varsity conditions that creates all the it was all in my con- this bone-chilling event he heavy weight eight, J ohn Lice hygenic problems. Sleeping Tim McDowell complained centration .... you see, I really answered, "Hmmmm ... caught a few crabs. This 10 the ConnCave with a bunch of the bowling alley's could just focus in on those that's a tough one" while Ms. parasitic infection reached of guys is just simply un- unreasonable and irrational pins . Rubin explained, epidemic proportions during sanitary. We may have rule that he remove his (The Voice apologizes for the ..Well ....Ted and I didn't get the crew team's spring caught a few crabs in our genuine Sou'western cowboy necessity to sborten tbls boots while using the lane. "I to see too much of the game. training session. John time but we're still up an We were busy discussing quotation due to lack or coming." don't believe it. What kind of space.) "Shaft" Shubert complained, dump is this, anyways?" shutter speeds and color

The following people are re- sponsible for the articles written in this newspaper, however they are prepared to lie under oath that they had This Coupon Worth Iheworldis anything to do with it (so no law suits, o.K. ?): Steve Wilsotf Theresa A 'l1':;;iroti FREE Steve Lau Lynne Cascio Beer or Soda with your meal our classroom. Jeanine Riley Matthew Trask Ke-u Matricardi Perry Karrington Are you curious about working with the natural Mark Jordal1 Mike Schoeruuaki the natural world? Con- processes you study, Ken La"lki"l Caroleen Highee OCEAN PIZZA To-n Proulx SUSQ.>tBudd cerned about the environ- from Alaska to Kenya Ja'1'/ie Claus Peter McGee>tev ment and problems we For your free catalogue, PALACE face globally? Seeking write or call the School new challenges and a for Field Studies, 50 chance to help solve some Western AVenue, Dept. C, ~GROTON1&2 88 Ocean Ave. 443-0870 of these problems? Then, Cambridge, MA 02139, ,

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