Family Matters Rabbis Res o l v e to Prep a r e Couples for Mar r i a g e By Rabbi Tzvi Hersh Weinreb Rabbis are taking bold initiatives designed to fortify marriage and prevent divorce, even before the chatan and kallah reach the chupah. Success will depend on community support. t is no secret that rabbis, mental results in serious difficulties in child- which will provide tools for preve n t i n g health professionals and lay leaders rearing, and the teen crisis heads the them from occurring in the first place. I of the Orthodox community have list of contemporary problems in all These problems, of course, are become increasingly concerned with sectors of the Orthodox world. prevalent in the general community as the condition of many Jewish mar- As with all difficulties in the sphere of well, perhaps even more severely. In riages and the impact that marital dif- community mental health, preve n t i v e response to this situation, a variety of ficulties are having on Jewish families. in t e r ventions are the pref e r re d educational and counseling programs There is a marked increase in the ap p r oaches to the amelioration of prob - directed toward couples before mar- number of divorces and domestic vio- lems. It is always difficult, and often riage have been developed nationwide. lence is a documentable crisis. The impossible, to rev erse the course of a The State of Oklahoma now mandates rising prevalence of marital discord deteriorating marriage. Learned abusive such training before it will issue a mar- behaviors are hard to unlearn, harsh riage license, and other states are con- Rabbi Weinreb is the spiritual leader of feelings, once expressed, cannot be with- sidering similar legislation. These pro- Congregation Shomrei Emunah in drawn, and the intercession of wel l - grams try to provide the prospective Baltimore, Maryland. He is the former intentioned rel a t i v es and friends compli- bride and groom with the tools and chief psychologist of the Potomac cates matters beyond all hope for cure. techniques for establishing a sound Foundation of Mental Health in The answer lies clearly in the devel o p - marital relationship. They teach the Bethesda, Md. He is a vice president of ment of programs which will not only skills necessary to achieve healthy the Rabbinical Council of America. nip these problems in the bud, but communication, intimate relation- JEWISH ACTION FALL 5761/2000 ships, and the management of practi- One of the model programs, devel o p e d en t i r e range of rabbinic organizations to cal domestic affairs — skills which are and extensively used by Dr. Neal Gol d b e r g encourage their adoption. eminently teachable, but which are and social worker Rachel Pill was pre- Rabbi Hain’s initiative received surprisingly lacking in many individu- sented at the RCA convention. Gol d b e r g unanimous support from the conven- als about to marry. A number of such and Pill proposed a system that inte- tion, and his suggestions were incorpo- programs are being developed within grates the Torah principles of marriage rated into the formal convention reso- the Orthodox Jewish community, with the psychological and interper- lutions. It is hoped that the entire albeit on a smaller scale. sonal skills necessary to build a foun- Orthodox movement will welcome At the most recent Rabbinical dation for shalom bayit. Envisioning and implement this initiative and that Council of America convention, its male and female mental health profes- we will reach the point where such pr esident, Rabbi Kenneth Hain, devot - sionals working in close collaboration programs will become the norm. ed his presidential address to a call for with a rabbi, they advocate two types Step One of this initiative involves a the development and implementation of local programs; one for post high joint effort of the Orthodox Union of pre-marital educational prog r a m s school young adults as part of their and the RCA to convey the necessity ac r oss the broad spectrum of our com- general education, and one for engaged for these programs to a wide audience. mu n i t y . He proclaimed the urgent couples, specifically preparing them for Step Two will take place this fall and need for these programs, and charged marriage. The latter includes two winter, as NEFESH professionals meet co n g r egational rabbis who perfo r m required follow-up sessions, one six with leaders of these organizations to marriages to insist that couples plan- months into the marriage and the create a curriculum based on some of ning to marry enlist in such prog r a m s . other at the one year mark. the models already in use. He urged them to either conduct class- Dr. Jonathan Lasson developed Step Three will be the distribution es themselves, or refer chatanim an d another model, implementing a some- of the program to congregational rab- kallot to other professionals better what different approach with great bis who will be available to couples equipped to conduct these prog r a m s . success. Dr. Lasson developed his pro- nationwide. But it will require the It is common knowledge that the gram as an outgrowth of his extensive enthusiasm and cooperation of the Roman Catholic Church has devel o p e d research into the causes of marital Jewish community, concerned parents co m p re h e n s i v e and systematic pre- m a r - breakdown in the Orthodox commu- and young adults who want to better ital education initiatives; and indeed, nity. He devised a training program their chances of a successful marriage, clergymen of that faith may not per- for chatan and kallah teachers, whether to make it work. form a marriage unless the bride and they are mental health professionals, We have seen enough marital dis- gr oom show evidence that they have rabbis, or skilled lay persons. He spec- cord and broken families. It is time undergone appropriate prep a r a t i o n . ifies a detailed curriculum and addi- for rabbis and their congregations to The Church ’s program contains com- tionally describes teaching techniques heartily endorse and implement this ponents of religious education, as wel l easily implemented by anyone who preventive program. Universal adop- as training in the pragmatics of mar- will adhere carefully to the instructions tion of this initiative will help prevent riage and family life. Rabbi Hain, and and procedures provided. The advan- the agony of broken lives. It will foster other rabbinical leaders, urge that we tage of these models is that while the stronger, richer marriages and ensure consider a similar policy, to ensure that rabbi plays a key role, he need not family harmony. JA all couples will have at least a modicum implement the entire program — he of pre-marital education before they can entrust much of it to those with If You Are Getting Ma r ried So o n reach the ch u p a h , and perhaps even skills supplemental to his own. Until this important initiative is put periodically throughout the early stages In his address to the RCA, Rabbi into national operation during the of the marriage. Hain argued forcefully that before a coming ye a r, the Ort h o d ox Union and A number of model programs of this rabbi agrees to marry a couple, he the RCA will help engaged couples locate pre-marital classes already being type have been developed by Orth o d o x should insist that the chatan an d ka l l a h g i ven by various synagogues,a br b i s mental health professionals specifica l l y en r oll in a pre-marital program. In the and/or mental health professionals in for the religious community. Th e y dialogue that followed, rabbis in the their geographic area. ha v e presented their approa c h e s at audience expressed a number of con- To obtain information, contact: Fra n k recent conferences of NEFESH, the cerns, including the fact that it is often Bu c h weitz at 212-613-3188, international network of Orthodox not the congregational rabbi, but the [email protected]; Rabbi Ma yer Wa x m a n mental health professionals. NEFESH rosh yes h i v ah of the ch a t a n who is at 212-613-8285, has made the development of these mesader kiddushin, and that some ras h e i [email protected]; or Rabbi tS e ve n pr ograms one of its priorities and is yes h i va h may not recommend such pro- M. Dworken at the RCA, st r ongly advocating their adoption in grams. Th e r e is no question that these 212-807-7888. all sectors of the Orth o d o x community. models will have to be presented to the JEWISH ACTION FALL 5761/2000 What Do Rabbis Talk About? In the past 50 years, the focus has shifted from the survival of Judaism to the survival of the Jewish family. The numerous sessions devoted to Ahead,” Rabbi Max rep o r ts that the “responsible rabbinic superv i s i o n . ” improving Jewish marriages and co n v ention was “permeated with a Family Issues family life, held at the recent consciousness of the historic proc l a - Stress was placed on conveying to Rabbinical Council of America con- mation of the State of Israel, with a congregants the importance of a vention, reflect the pressing issues of deep concern about its future securi- mohelperforming brit milah, “which our community as well as the efforts ty and with an understanding of the unfortunately in some communities of the rabbinical organization to effect it will have upon Jewish life in has gone over into the hands of the address them.