Family Matters Rabbis Res o l v e to Prep a r e Couples for Mar r i a g e By Rabbi Tzvi Hersh Weinreb Rabbis are taking bold initiatives designed to fortify marriage and prevent divorce, even before the chatan and kallah reach the chupah. Success will depend on community support.

t is no secret that rabbis, mental results in serious difficulties in child- which will provide tools for preve n t i n g health professionals and lay leaders rearing, and the teen crisis heads the them from occurring in the first place. I of the Orthodox community have list of contemporary problems in all These problems, of course, are become increasingly concerned with sectors of the Orthodox world. prevalent in the general community as the condition of many Jewish mar- As with all difficulties in the sphere of well, perhaps even more severely. In riages and the impact that marital dif- community mental health, preve n t i v e response to this situation, a variety of ficulties are having on Jewish families. in t e r ventions are the pref e r re d educational and counseling programs There is a marked increase in the ap p r oaches to the amelioration of prob - directed toward couples before mar- number of divorces and domestic vio- lems. It is always difficult, and often riage have been developed nationwide. lence is a documentable crisis. The impossible, to rev erse the course of a The State of Oklahoma now mandates rising prevalence of marital discord deteriorating marriage. Learned abusive such training before it will issue a mar- behaviors are hard to unlearn, harsh riage license, and other states are con- Rabbi Weinreb is the spiritual leader of feelings, once expressed, cannot be with- sidering similar legislation. These pro- Congregation Shomrei Emunah in drawn, and the intercession of wel l - grams try to provide the prospective Baltimore, Maryland. He is the former intentioned rel a t i v es and friends compli- bride and groom with the tools and chief psychologist of the Potomac cates matters beyond all hope for cure. techniques for establishing a sound Foundation of Mental Health in The answer lies clearly in the devel o p - marital relationship. They teach the Bethesda, Md. He is a vice president of ment of programs which will not only skills necessary to achieve healthy the Rabbinical Council of America. nip these problems in the bud, but communication, intimate relation-

JEWISH ACTION FALL 5761/2000 ships, and the management of practi- One of the model programs, devel o p e d en t i r e range of rabbinic organizations to cal domestic affairs — skills which are and extensively used by Dr. Neal Gol d b e r g encourage their adoption. eminently teachable, but which are and social worker Rachel Pill was pre- Rabbi Hain’s initiative received surprisingly lacking in many individu- sented at the RCA convention. Gol d b e r g unanimous support from the conven- als about to marry. A number of such and Pill proposed a system that inte- tion, and his suggestions were incorpo- programs are being developed within grates the principles of marriage rated into the formal convention reso- the Orthodox Jewish community, with the psychological and interper- lutions. It is hoped that the entire albeit on a smaller scale. sonal skills necessary to build a foun- Orthodox movement will welcome At the most recent Rabbinical dation for shalom bayit. Envisioning and implement this initiative and that Council of America convention, its male and female mental health profes- we will reach the point where such pr esident, Rabbi Kenneth Hain, devot - sionals working in close collaboration programs will become the norm. ed his presidential address to a call for with a rabbi, they advocate two types Step One of this initiative involves a the development and implementation of local programs; one for post high joint effort of the of pre-marital educational prog r a m s school young adults as part of their and the RCA to convey the necessity ac r oss the broad spectrum of our com- general education, and one for engaged for these programs to a wide audience. mu n i t y . He proclaimed the urgent couples, specifically preparing them for Step Two will take place this fall and need for these programs, and charged marriage. The latter includes two winter, as NEFESH professionals meet co n g r egational rabbis who perfo r m required follow-up sessions, one six with leaders of these organizations to marriages to insist that couples plan- months into the marriage and the create a curriculum based on some of ning to marry enlist in such prog r a m s . other at the one year mark. the models already in use. He urged them to either conduct class- Dr. Jonathan Lasson developed Step Three will be the distribution es themselves, or refer chatanim an d another model, implementing a some- of the program to congregational rab- kallot to other professionals better what different approach with great bis who will be available to couples equipped to conduct these prog r a m s . success. Dr. Lasson developed his pro- nationwide. But it will require the It is common knowledge that the gram as an outgrowth of his extensive enthusiasm and cooperation of the Roman Catholic Church has devel o p e d research into the causes of marital Jewish community, concerned parents co m p re h e n s i v e and systematic pre- m a r - breakdown in the Orthodox commu- and young adults who want to better ital education initiatives; and indeed, nity. He devised a training program their chances of a successful marriage, clergymen of that faith may not per- for chatan and kallah teachers, whether to make it work. form a marriage unless the bride and they are mental health professionals, We have seen enough marital dis- gr oom show evidence that they have rabbis, or skilled lay persons. He spec- cord and broken families. It is time undergone appropriate prep a r a t i o n . ifies a detailed curriculum and addi- for rabbis and their congregations to The Church ’s program contains com- tionally describes teaching techniques heartily endorse and implement this ponents of religious education, as wel l easily implemented by anyone who preventive program. Universal adop- as training in the pragmatics of mar- will adhere carefully to the instructions tion of this initiative will help prevent riage and family life. Rabbi Hain, and and procedures provided. The advan- the agony of broken lives. It will foster other rabbinical leaders, urge that we tage of these models is that while the stronger, richer marriages and ensure consider a similar policy, to ensure that rabbi plays a key role, he need not family harmony. JA all couples will have at least a modicum implement the entire program — he of pre-marital education before they can entrust much of it to those with If You Are Getting Ma r ried So o n reach the ch u p a h , and perhaps even skills supplemental to his own. Until this important initiative is put periodically throughout the early stages In his address to the RCA, Rabbi into national operation during the of the marriage. Hain argued forcefully that before a coming ye a r, the Ort h o d ox Union and A number of model programs of this rabbi agrees to marry a couple, he the RCA will help engaged couples locate pre-marital classes already being type have been developed by Orth o d o x should insist that the chatan an d ka l l a h g i ven by various ,a br b i s mental health professionals specifica l l y en r oll in a pre-marital program. In the and/or mental health professionals in for the religious community. Th e y dialogue that followed, rabbis in the their geographic area. ha v e presented their approa c h e s at audience expressed a number of con- To obtain information, contact: Fra n k recent conferences of NEFESH, the cerns, including the fact that it is often Bu c h weitz at 212-613-3188, international network of Orthodox not the congregational rabbi, but the [email protected]; Rabbi Ma yer Wa x m a n mental health professionals. NEFESH rosh yes h i v ah of the ch a t a n who is at 212-613-8285, has made the development of these mesader kiddushin, and that some ras h e i [email protected]; or Rabbi tS e ve n pr ograms one of its priorities and is yes h i va h may not recommend such pro- M. Dworken at the RCA, st r ongly advocating their adoption in grams. Th e r e is no question that these 212-807-7888. all sectors of the Orth o d o x community. models will have to be presented to the

JEWISH ACTION FALL 5761/2000 What Do Rabbis Talk About? In the past 50 years, the focus has shifted from the survival of to the survival of the Jewish family.

The numerous sessions devoted to Ahead,” Rabbi Max rep o r ts that the “responsible rabbinic superv i s i o n . ” improving Jewish marriages and co n v ention was “permeated with a Family Issues family life, held at the recent consciousness of the historic proc l a - Stress was placed on conveying to Rabbinical Council of America con- mation of the State of , with a congregants the importance of a vention, reflect the pressing issues of deep concern about its future securi- mohelperforming brit milah, “which our community as well as the efforts ty and with an understanding of the unfortunately in some communities of the rabbinical organization to effect it will have upon Jewish life in has gone over into the hands of the address them. In fact, a glance at the Diaspora.” He details a session physicians.” highlights of the program of this de v oted to “The Effect of the Jewi s h year’s RCA convention, compared to State upon the Galuth,” in which Rabbis Talk in May, 2000 that of the same rabbinic organiza- Rabbis Joseph H. Lookstein, Dav i d Leadership tion some 50 years ago, yields some De Sola Pool and Leo Jung parti c i - The focus of American rabbis has fascinating similarities and differ- pated. Among other points made br oadened to include worldwide con- ences. How have Orthodox concerns was the historic and practical impact cerns and endeavor . Sessions delineat- in America changed? on American Jewr y of Heb r ew once ing models of effective leadership and again becoming a living language in a exploring issues facing the world Rabbis Talk in May, 1948 Heb r ew-speaking state. In addition, Jewish community wer e well attended. In the summer, 1948 edition of Rabbi Jung reminded the conven t i o n Israel Orthodox Jewish Life(the publication that the daily observance of mi t z vo t , Far from the euphoria of May, of the Union of Orthodox Jewish an y w h e r e in the world, se r ves as the 1948, today’s RCA soberly discussed Congregations of America) Rabbi [spiritual] Haganah of Isr a e l . the “new Israel” with its attendant Morris Max, then executive vice Notwithstanding the pride and tri- problems. Yoram Hazony, author of president of the RCA, wrote an arti- umph of that moment, the rabbis The Jewish State: the Struggle for cle about the 12th Annual RCA were greatly aware of the challenges Israel’s Soul addressed the group on Convention, held in City of the American Jewish experience of the practical impact of post-Zionism in May of 1948. the day, and the sessions held reflect on Israeli education, law and poli- Israel these concerns. tics. Again reflecting a sense of In “The Rabbinical Council Looks Prayer worldwide responsibility, the con- There was much anticipation of a vention considered the question: new Hebrew prayerbook with a “D oes the Diaspora rabbinate have a modern English translation, which it role in healing Isr a e l ’s divided spirit?” was hoped would become the “offi- Family Issues cial” for all . Proper brit milah is no longer the [Philip Birnbaum’s Ha-Siddur Ha- challenge, but keeping families Shalem was, in fact, published in together has taken on increasing September, 1948.] importance. Solving problems regarding agunot, researching T h e re was obvious pride in the halachic grounds for divorce, and pioneering work of members of the the difficulties in today’s marriages rabbinic Kashruth Commission in took center stage. Discussions con- conjunction with the OU. In the cerning the crucial need to prepare same issue of Jewish Li f e, a two- couples for marriage resulted in a page “Kashruth Di re c t o ry” resolution calling on each and every a p p e a red, listing 87 products, 61 rabbi to coordinate and encourage a of which we re OU certified. T h e pre-marital program appropriate to rest we re re p o rted to have his community. JA

00 JEWISH ACTION FALL 5761/2000 JEWISH ACTION FALL 5761/2000 Family Matters Improving Chatan/Kallah Education: A Piece of C.A.K.E. By Dr. Jonathan M. Lasson

young couple came to my things out. For tunately for this couple, women for the challenges of marriage. of fi ce for marital counseling they sought help before it was too late. Our “sy s t e m ” of pre-marital education A th r ee months after their wed - Although the divorce rate amongst is lacking in five basic areas. We need: ding. They wer e obviously unhappy Orthodox Jews is still relatively low in st ru c t u r e; coordination between ch a t a n n ew l y weds and quite distressed about comparison to the general population, and ka l l a h teachers; more time devot e d their situation. A half hour into the it is steadily increasing. Why? to pre-marital education; to include rab - session the husband related to me that Two years ago, I embarked on a ba n i m in pre-marital education; and he did not feel that this marriage could research project to answer this ques- post-marital follow-up counseling. last more than another six months, at tion. I had several friends from my most. Issues such as over b e a r i n g , yeshivah days who were at the time The Need for Structure in t ru s i v e parents and unrealistic expec- divorced or in the process of marital tations on both sides had plagued their dissolution. I began to look into our There are many chatan and kallah brief marriage to the extent that they current system of pre-marital educa- teachers available to talk with engaged wer e both contemplating divor ce. His tion and found many areas where it individuals. They discuss the laws of wife then rem a r ked, “Thank God I’m fails. As part of this study, I sent out taharat hamishpachah(laws of family not expecting a baby!” After furth e r 50 surveys to three groups within the purity) and perhaps include a discus- discussion, it turned out that this cou- Orthodox community: rabbis, engaged sion of what to expect on the wedding ple had not yet consummated their individuals and divorced individuals. night. Very few of these teachers, marriage. They had been sleeping in These surveys asked the respondents however, follow a structured format to separate bedrooms since their wed d i n g their feelings on what is contributing ensure that everything is covered. night and basically had been leading to the increasing divorce rate amongst While it is understandable that the separate lives . Orthodox Jews and what type of pre- halachotare important and take signif- Although this may sound like an ventive material should be included in icant time to study properly, there are ex t r eme example, cases bearing similar pre-marital education. many other crucial ingredients that go pr oblems have become more common Based on the responses from these into building a healthy marriage. no wadays. Couples feel it is easier to get su r veys, I developed a struc t u r ed pre- Without proper orientation, these out of a marriage then to try and work marital counseling training program to areas are often neglected. help improve the quality of Orth o d o x Based on my survey, critical topics Jonathan M. Lasson Psy.D. currently marriages. Many communities do not necessary for successful marital prepa- practices in Baltimore, Maryland. He ha v e a struc t u r ed program where cou- ration are: studied at Ner Israel Rabbinical College ples can study under skilled prof e s s i o n - 1. Communication, conflict resolu- and the Talmudical University of als or rab b a n i m . Although some yes h i v - tion and comprom i s i n g Florida. He received his Doctorate in ot and seminaries offer classes in com- 2.Taharat Hamishpachah Clinical Psychology from the Miami munication and relationships, ver y few 3. Managing finances Institute of Psychology in 1999. tr uly prep a r e our young men and 4. Intimacy

JEWISH ACTION FALL 5761/2000 5. Unrealistic expectations way for their children to receive it. (Couples who have moved from their 6. Anger management pre-marital location must still contact 7. Dealing with families and in-laws. The Need to Include me via telephone, letter, fax or email.) In my counseling sessions, I discuss Congregational Rabbis in This policy has proven to be very each of these seven areas with the cou- Pre-marital Education effective. ple and then incorporate enjoyable Should pre-marital counseling be activities and role-play assignments Nowadays, the most influential required before rabbanim agree to designed to promote an understanding rabbi in a young man’s upbringing marry a couple? In my study, 82% of of what they have learned. may be his re b b ef rom ye s h i va h . the rabbis stated that pre-marital Howe ve r, the re b b e may not know counseling should indeed be required. The Need for Coordination the man’s family, and there f o re may If it is not mandated, are there other Between Chatan and Kallah not be the most suitable person to ways to encourage couples to go Teachers educate the young man about mar- through pre-marital counseling? riage. The rabbi of his s h u l is more One answer may be to call it some- I have rarely, if ever, heard of an likely to have a greater understand- thing other than pre-marital counsel- ongoing dialogue ing. The term between those “c o u n s e l i n g” who teach brides g i ves the and those who i m p ression that teach their t h e re is a pro b- grooms. lem that needs Consequently, I to be corre c t e d . often hear To avoid this chatanim com- implication, I plain that their h a ve deve l o p e d kallot have been what I call the taught more Ch a t a n An d halachic stringen- Ka l l a h cies than they, Ed u c a t i o n and vice versa. (C.A.K.E.) pro- Communication gram, designed between the to raise aware- teachers is there- ness of issues fore essentialto that might arise ensure that both in marriage. Photo: Jack Hazut the chatan and This seve n - s e s s i o n kallah are on the same page. ing of the family dynamics and thus p rogram is based on the seven are a s may be more suitable to educate the respondents to my study indicated The Need for More Time couple. The family rabbi should we re the strongest needs. The seve n play an active ro l e . sessions can be condensed, but it is There is not much that can be done recommended to allow enough time about the time constraints that are The Need for Post-Marital for couples to process what they have placed on chatan and kallah teachers. Follow-Up learned. Ad d i t i o n a l l y, classes have Many couples have short engagements, been formed where c h a t a n and k a l l a h which do not provide the time neces- Another critical issue is the lack of teachers are trained to use this system. sary to adequately prepare for mar- follow-up education. This means that To sum up, there is a great need to riage. It is also very difficult to reach after the couple is married, they come improve our current system of pre- couples who are not living in the same back to talk to whoever educated them marital education of Orthodox cou- geographic area and/or do not have a prior to their marriage. They discuss ples. This goal can be achieved by qualified person in their area to any issues that may have come up dur- structuring our approach, involving instruct them. Despite these difficul- ing the first few months and try to local rabbanim and devoting more ties, parents who are planning wed- resolve them. Part of my policy with time to the process. It is my hope that dings for their children should recog- couples I have trained is that they this model will be used to help nize the importance of adequate mar- must report back after three months, strengthen the foundation of Jewish riage preparation and should find a and again after one year of marriage. marriage. JA

JEWISH ACTION FALL 5761/2000