Involved in Or Affected by Affairs 151 Questions and Responses by Peggy Vaughan
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Collection 3: Involved in or Affected by Affairs 151 Questions and Responses by Peggy Vaughan TABLE OF CONTENTS Married and Having an Affair Help for those who had affairs? Coping with my affair I’d like to stop… What do I do about my affair? Why can't I do the "right" thing? How can I move on when I feel so ashamed? What should I do? How do I deal with the guilt from my affair? How can an affair be forgiven? Can I risk telling her the truth? What should I do now? How can we end our affair? What about "helping" her to get caught? Should I have an affair? Why do I dream of someone else? Am I nuts to get involved? How do I know what I really want? Which man and which lifestyle? Why won't he believe me? What about extenuating circumstances? Best friends who also have sex No sexual desire for spouse A Younger Man Friendship to affair.... I Wish I Knew Loving Two Women I want both Marital crisis Affairs are Confusing Very Confused Southern Gentleman To Tell or not To Tell? Do I have to tell on myself? www.DearPeggy.com How much is "too much" to tell? Should I be completely honest even if I'm leaving my marriage? Am I unconsciously looking for something? What if you don't really know the answer to questions? How can I do the right thing? What type of woman am I? Why doesn't he believe me? How can the person who had an affair deal with the guilt she feels? What can be done by the one who had an affair? What can I do about my guilt? What about the feelings of guilt by the person who had an affair? Waiting in limbo and wondering? What's the worst that can happen? Can you be addicted to your spouse? Husband keeping total tabs on me? How can I help her see there is hope? Continuing contact with the third party? Moving on after having an affair? Should I tell him about my affair? When you have an affair with your first love? What if the pastor has an affair? Is it common for a pastor to have an affair? “Alternative” Marriages What about "allowing" your spouse to have an affair? What about "alternatives" to traditional marriage? Why does he want a threesome? Open Marriage? The Single Third Party What about help for the third party? Where is help for the third party? Is there any help for the third party? How can the third party "move on?" Help for those who had affairs? What are the chances of marrying the lover? Why do you say it's a fantasy? Where can we find help for the person who had an affair? Spouse Dealing with the Third Party How do I deal with my feelings about the other woman? Should I confront the other woman? How can I compete? Can they remain friends? Is it possible to abruptly end it? How do I know it's over? What are his true feelings? What is the best way to end an affair? What can we do to stop contact? Dealing with running into the third party? www.DearPeggy.com Why do I still hate the Other Woman? How can I reach closure regarding the third party? What can be done to the other man—to pay a price? What if old feelings return? Is it OK to remain friends with the third party? How can I deal with wanting to contact the other woman? Am I wrong to want to see what the other woman looks like? Should I believe my husband or the other woman? How should I react if I run into the other woman? What do I do when she still "talks" to the other man? Ending an Affair Why could my husband open up with his lover but not with me? Finding a soulmate??? Why won't he tell me who she is? What about talking to the third party? What is the other woman thinking? What does she look like? Should I stay while there's still contact with third party? Forgiving the third party? Is it privacy or secrecy? Why don't they have to pay a price? Why does he miss the affair partner? Will it help the healing process to know who "she" is? How can I stay knowing he still has "feelings" for his lover? Severing contact with the third party? Should I tell the other woman's husband? What about contacting the third party's spouse? When there’s a Child from the Affair What if there's a child from the affair? When an affair results in pregnancy? What about his guilt over the child? How can I deal with a child from the affair? How can I live with his having a child from his affair? What if the affair produces a child? What about a child from an affair? What happens when there's a child from an affair? What happens when a child is conceived from an affair? When there's a child from the affair? Impact on Children from Parent's Affair What about the impact on the children? What about the other children? Should we tell our 18-year-old daughter? Should we tell our adult children? Isn't secrecy necessary to protect your teenaged children? Should I tell? Kids being affected by affairs? Should he talk to our teenagers? Will teenage kids lose respect if you stay? www.DearPeggy.com Should I tell mom about dad's affair? How can I help my daughter avoid this pain? Dealing with Family Members How do I cope with my family? Should children, parents, family be told? What to do about my parents? How can I deal with my father's affair? How can I support my sister? What should I do about my father's affair? How can I get my family to accept my decision to stay? What about a spouse having an affair with a family member? How do I cope when the affair is with my sister? How do I deal with the rest of the family? What about a "family affair!?" What about parents (or in-laws) causing problems? Do I talk to his family about his affair? Severing contact when affair is with a family member? Dealing with Friends How do I deal with friends who knew? Why didn't friends tell me? Do I Tell my Friend? How do you treat married friends dealing with an affair? What do I do about affairs among friends or colleagues? Choose my husband or others? Concerns about “Other People” How can I stop feeling like others think I'm foolish to stay? What about total honesty with everyone? Should I tell the other man's wife? Should the "other" spouse be told? When the best man had sex at husband's bachelor party!? Coping with all the Secrecy? www.DearPeggy.com MARRIED AND HAVING AN AFFAIR Help for those who had affairs? Question #1: I have seen plenty of resources for spouses who have been cheated on, but I can't find any resources for the cheating spouse. While the affair is behind us, I still have very dismal days thinking about the thrill that was. I love my wife, but I remain very confused. Please Help. Question #2: I have found many articles and material written about affairs, their effect, the devastation and recovery. This has helped me in my understanding of the situation. The problem I have is that I have found nothing concerning the recovery for the other woman (or man) that was involved with a married man. Her recovery is just as difficult, but I have found nothing in the ways of support to help her/him through this excruciating time. Do you know where to find non-judgmental support? Peggy's Response: I periodically receive questions like these asking why there is no help for the person who has had an affair. The above questions about recovery come from a married man who had an affair and from a (presumably) single woman who is trying to recover from an affair with a married man. (The above letters describe two different sets of relationships, not related to each other.) Since I recognize that when it comes to affairs, "everyone winds up getting hurt," I'll review some of the perspective that can be helpful to those who have been involved in an affair. In the first letter, the man says: "While the affair is behind us, I still have very dismal days thinking about the thrill that was." It's helpful to clearly recognize that the affair situation is a fantasy that exists in a bubble. In fact, there's a certain "idealization" of the fantasy relationship (with something of a Romeo and Juliet quality) that makes the idea of giving up the affair feel all the more emotionally difficult. It's easy to get far more attached to this fantasy situation than anyone expects or wants to admit, becoming a pleasant habit that's hard to drop. But dealing with the "loss" may be easier when clearly focusing on the fact that it wasn't nearly as "real" as it appeared—so the sense of loss is mostly of a fantasy, not of a real thing. In fact, it was doomed from the beginning in that it was almost guaranteed to end. (Unless an affair is discovered earlier, most affairs last from 6 months to 2 years, which is how long it usually takes for a bit of reality to set in.) One reason to avoid focusing on the feelings of loss at ending the affair is to recognize that doing so serves to pollute whatever positive memories you might otherwise have about the experience.