Love After Marriage – Participant Guide

Table of Contents

Introduction Page 1 Love After Marriage

Week 1- Developing a Spiritual Focus Page 3 Week 2- Understanding Each Other’s Needs Page 19 Week 3- Resolving Conflict Page 29 Week 4- The Power Of Forgiveness Page 41 Week 5- Boundaries In And Around Marriage Page 53 Week 6- Impact of Family, Past And Present Page 67 Week 7- Good Sex Page 79 Week 8- Love In Action Page 89

Love After Marriage – Participant Guide Introduction – Love After Marriage

Welcome to Love After Marriage, and thank you for your participation in this program.

I have been a professional counselor for 20 years working with couples and individuals and currently serve as the Counseling Director at Real Life. Over time, I have seen how the same few issues have led to marital difficulties and divorce. The idea of Love After Marriage is to look at each of those issues and to help couples proactively protect and grow their marriages.

Love After Marriage is eight weeks long with each week focusing on a separate topic. The program is divided into two sections. The first section encompasses the first two weeks which I will teach live. The topics for that section are:

Week 1- Developing a Spiritual Focus Week 2- Understanding Each Other’s Needs

The second section covers the final six weeks and are conducted in a small group format. The topics for that section are:

Week 3- Resolving Conflict Week 4- The Power Of Forgiveness Week 5- Boundaries In And Around Marriage Week 6- Impact of Family, Past And Present Week 7- Good Sex Week 8- Love In Action

Thank you again for being a part of this program. It is my hope that you and your spouse will find enrichment in your marriage.

Dr. Joel Caldwell Real Life Counseling Director

Love After Marriage- Week 1 Developing a Spiritual Focus

Welcome and Overview of Love After Marriage

Main Idea: Developing a spiritual focus in your marriage is the most important thing you can do for your relationship. However, many couples find developing this foundation to be elusive. The focus this week is to develop an awareness of how spirituality is experienced in your relationship currently, what the obstacles are to spiritual growth as a couple, and how to overcome those obstacles.

Opening Discussion Questions:

1. Do both of you share the same desire to know and please God? How do you know this?

______

2. How do you and your spouse communicate about faith? What do you find to be the greatest obstacle to this communication? ______

3. How are your actions as a couple consistent with your spiritual beliefs? In what areas of your lives do you struggle with this most? ______

4. How have you seen God work in your marriage? ______

______

5. How do you maintain your faith and commitment to Christ as a couple when you experience times of struggle? ______

Presentation- Joel Caldwell

-The biggest question you can ask about your marriage is, “How does ______fit into my marriage?”

-Spiritual intimacy is connecting with your spouse through your ______.

-The key question in building spiritual intimacy is, “How does your ______of God get ______to your spouse?”

-If you are not building spiritual ______, you are likely building spiritual ______.

-3-Step Action Plan for building spiritual intimacy:

together 1. ______

2. Go into the ______together

3. Connect with other ______

-How you connect with other believers: ● Church- Where we establish ______

● Small groups- Where we find ______,

______, and

______.

● Ministry- Where you make an impact on the world

______.

-Protecting your spiritual focus: -The most important question that Christians don’t ask: “How is the ______working in my life right now?”

-Always be aware of your ______points, both individually and as a couple.

-An effective tool- “Whose ______am I hearing right now?”

View Video- Brylan and Lisa

Discussion Questions: 1. As you consider Satan’s desire to work in your relationship, what are the most obvious “entry points” he can use to infiltrate your marriage? What can you do to address those? ______

______2. Think about the Spiritual Action Plan that Joel discussed. Which of the three components are currently a part of your marriage and which need to be added or strengthened?

______

3. As you consider the three ways that we connect with others spiritually (church, small groups, ministry), which of these have you found to most impact your spiritual growth? Which of these would you like to make a more consistent part of your marriage?

______

A Biblical Approach to Marriage:

Ephesians 5:21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Proverbs 19:14 Houses and wealth are inherited from parents, but a prudent wife is from the Lord.

Mark 10:8-9

And the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.

Next Steps: 1. Take time this week to pray together. If this is new for you, it will likely feel awkward. That’s okay! There is no wrong way to do it. Let this week be the first step in allowing prayer to be a consistent part of your marriage.

2. Read the testimonies of the six couples in your Love After Marriage guide. With which of the stories can you most identify? In what ways does that story inspire you regarding possible changes in your own marriage? 3. Review with your spouse the Spiritual Action Plan discussed today. As a couple, prioritize one that you most want to improve. Identify concrete steps you can take over the coming month to grow together in this area.

Week 1 6 Couples on the Impact of Prayer (Borrowed from Family Life)

I Didn’t Want to Pray With My Wife

When my wife, Naoma, first suggested that we pray together each day, I wasn’t for it. At the time, we had been married for about 25 years and I liked the idea of “you do your prayer and I’ll do my prayer.” Occasionally we prayed before dinner.

Naoma must have been praying about my decision, because several weeks later I agreed to give her idea a try. And we both knew the only way praying together would work for us would be to get up early in the morning.

We’d get up at 6 a.m., sit in a couple of chairs in the living room, and begin our prayer time by discussing various Scriptures or topics. After doing this, we took turns praying.

That worked so well that we’ve now followed this same pattern for about 15 years. It’s made a big difference in our marriage.

Naoma prays on the even numbered days and I pray on the odd ones. We begin praying for each other and our family. Then we pray for our closest friends and for our stewardship. We pray for our work. We pray for our church and its leaders and our country and its leaders and then we ask that God help us be yielded to His service in the given day.

The great thing is I get to hear my wife’s heart and what she is concerned about and she gets to hear things that I’m concerned about. Prayer has kept us connected that way.

Once when our son was home from college for a visit, he happened to get up early one morning and passed through the living room and saw Naoma and me praying together. He still mentions how blessed he feels knowing that his parents pray together.

It’s Hard to Stay Mad

Robyn and I attended our first marriage retreat several years ago. We walked away from that weekend with several items to remember, one was the obvious lack of prayer within our marriage.

I had been a student pastor but the habit of praying together as a couple had never been a thought, let alone a practice. We prayed for our meals together and with our girls. We prayed together with other people when they brought concerns to us, but we had rarely, if ever, prayed together for our marriage and family.

When I heard that weekend, “You need to be praying daily with your spouse,” it hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew that we needed to begin praying together. The Lord placed on both of us a great deal of conviction in this area.

We have worked hard to continue praying together. We have not been perfect and there are many times, even still, where I would rather turn over and go right to sleep than to initiate praying with Robyn. But the Lord has been gracious to us.

This practice of praying each night has and continues to shape our marriage. There have been numerous times when we have had arguments, yet through the practice of praying together, God has settled our misguided hearts to refocus on Christ and His desire for our marriage. It’s hard to stay mad when you pray with and for each other before your Creator.

A Bond of Understanding

As a young wife, I used to pray that my husband would come to know Christ as his personal Lord and Savior. I really wanted to raise our children in a home where both parents were believers.

I was overjoyed when God answered that prayer and I knew it was real when my husband came home from his first men’s retreat and said he wanted to start praying together. Wow!

Looking back over the years, there has been a definite connection between our prayer time together and the quality of our relationship. Raising three very busy children, having a driven sales executive for a husband, and being a local elected official myself, our few minutes of prayer has often been our only connection during the day.

During seasons when we were really busy and neglected prayer, we saw a significant difference in our interactions, our sex life, and our compassion for one another. We were more independent in our thinking and our living. As each of our relationships with the Lord grew, we realized more and more the value of praying together.

Praying together every day creates a bond of understanding. It is a gift that I give my husband, and he gives me as we lift each other up in prayer, acknowledging the events of the day and asking for God’s blessing over the other.

Spiritual Intimacy and Sexual Intimacy

My husband, Nathan, and I were challenged to pray together during a marriage getaway. Now we had both prayed before, on our own, or as a family at the dinner table. But praying just the two of us, out loud- that seemed intimidating.

I remember sitting in the hotel room that night, both of us a little nervous. We even argued teasingly, “You go first”... “No, I insist you go first.”

I remember our prayer being short and a little awkward. But as the days and weeks went on, we became more and more comfortable with praying together.

Nathan is a bit on the reserved side. He does a lot of his processing internally, and so it was not very often that I got to hear what was really going on in his heart. Through our prayer time together, I started to see a new side of my husband. I felt more connected to him than I ever had before. I was finally hearing his heart on a regular basis.

A funny thing happens when you connect as a couple through prayer. Not only does your spiritual intimacy grow, but your sexual intimacy gets kicked up a notch too! I felt so connected spiritually that it just naturally spilled over into our sexual relationship.

Now that Nathan and I know about this direct relationship between spiritual and sexual intimacy, it has helped us in times when our sexual relationship runs dry. We very quickly realize, “Oh, we are not connecting sexually, because we have not been praying together lately.” It certainly has been good motivation for us to stay spiritually connected!

A Picture of Oneness

For as long as I can remember, my wife, Mary and I have prayed together. When I wasn’t at home due to overnight travel connected with work, and in our early years of marriage, that didn’t happen every day. But, generally, we always pray together not only at meals, but at night before we go to bed. The only exception to that in recent years has been when one of us is exhausted and has fallen asleep before the other.

I believe strongly that there are two primary benefits to this. First, in the spiritual realm both of us are in harmony with Christ. Second, in the physical realm we are side by side as a picture of oneness.

Reading a daily devotional in the morning and praying together in the evening, there is a bond and a sense of unity that isn’t always possible during the remainder of the day. This puts an “opening statement” and a “closing paragraph” on God’s chapter for that day in our lives. It also makes it much easier to dispel outside influences that can distract us from our purpose- to glorify God and reflect his glory through our marriage.

Two Broken People, Asking God to Help Us Make It Through the Day

Normally, we pray for about 10-15 minutes in the morning before I head off to work. I start by asking my wife what her big issues are for the day. Then I share mine. These are usually things that are bothering us or worrying us. It could be our

13 kids, job, finances, families, friends, health, or whatever. We thank God for answered prayer and for each other too.

My wife and I pray together perhaps 7 out of 10 days. I travel, and so am not always home. Then sometimes life causes our schedules to become so complicated that we just don’t take time that day to pray.

Of course, there are those days when we have conflict and we really don’t want to pray with each other. It is curious, though, that when we have conflict and are not praying, I feel tension (conviction from God?), that I need to be praying with this woman. This adds to the desire to resolve conflict.

I am not sure that we would say praying together has brought us more intimacy. Prayer is hard work and usually we are just broken people asking God to help us make it through the day because we are a mess. Certainly we do have a better understanding of what each of us is stressing about, though.

We have seen God answer our prayers in wonderful ways and that brings us great comfort. But we have also seen Him not answer some prayers that have dragged on for years.

Is praying with your spouse a magic bullet that will keep you from getting divorced? Probably not since all of us are just a couple of steps away from making selfish choices. But for us it is a way of fertilizing the soil in which our love for each other and for God grows. That’s something we want to do.

What I Said:

______

What My Spouse Said:

______

What I Learned About My Spouse This Week:

______

How I Will Use That Information To Make My Marriage Better:

______

Notes ______

______

Love After Marriage- Week 2 Understanding Each Other’s Needs

Main Idea: Understanding each other’s needs is an essential part of a strong marital foundation. It is easy to become consumed with your own individual needs and lose sight of what works best for your spouse. The focus this week is to gain a better understanding of the unique needs of your spouse and learn strategies that will help you make those a priority on a day to day basis.

Opening Discussion Question: Think of some ways that you currently try to meet each other’s needs on a day to day basis. Take some time to discuss with each other.

Presentation- Joel Caldwell

- The ideal marriage is when you are both…

______.

-The biggest emotional need that we have is…

______.

-Relationships start with the “in-love” experience. Understand that this is an

______experience.

-There is a huge misconception that being “in-love” is necessary for a successful marriage. Actually, being “in-love” is a temporary state of mind. In fact, the average “in-love” experience lasts

______.

-Real love is emotional in nature but not obsessional. It grows out of

______and ______, not instinct.

-______love cannot begin until the

______experience has run its’ course.

-2 questions can give you an idea of your love language:

1. What have I most often requested of my spouse? Your answer to this is probably in keeping with your primary love language.

2. What do you do or say to express love to your spouse? We often give what we are hoping to receive. In other words, we often give what we need, not what our spouses need.

- When it comes to expressing love in marriage,

______is always more important than

______.

The Five Love Languages Test By Dr. Gary Chapman

Read each pair of statements and circle the one that best describes you.

1. A. I like to receive notes of affirmation from you. E. I like it when you hug me.

2. B. I like to spend one on one time with you. - - D. I feel loved when you give me practical help.

3. C. I like it when you give me gifts. B. I like taking long walks with you.

4. D. I feel loved when you do things to help me. E. I feel loved when you hug or touch me.

5. E. I feel loved when you hold me in your arms. C. I feel loved when I receive a gift from you.

6. B. I like to go places with you. E. I like to hold hands with you.

7. A. I feel loved when you acknowledge me. C. Visible symbols of love (gifts) are very important to me.

8. E. I like to sit close to you. A. I like it when you tell me that I am attractive.

9. B. I like to spend time with you. C. I like to receive little gifts from you.

10. D. I know you love me when you help me. A. Your words of acceptance are important to me.

11. B. I like to be together when we do things. A. I like the kind words you say to me.

12. E. I feel whole when we hug. D. What you do affects me more than what you say.

13. A. I value your praise and try to avoid your criticism. C. Several inexpensive gifts mean more to me than one large expensive gift.

14. E. I feel closer to you when you touch me. B. I feel close when we are talking or doing something together.

15. A. I like you to compliment my achievements. D. I know you love me when you do things for me that you don’t enjoy doing.

16. E. I like for you to touch me when you walk by. B. I like when you listen to me sympathetically.

17. C. I really enjoy receiving gifts from you. D. I feel loved when you help me with my home projects.

18. A. I like when you compliment my appearance. B. I feel loved when you take the time to understand my feelings.

19. E. I feel secure when you are touching me. D. Your acts of service make me feel loved.

20. D. I appreciate the many things you do for me. C. I like receiving gifts that you make.

21. B. I really enjoy the feeling I get when you give me your undivided attention. D. I really enjoy the feeling I get when you do some act of service for me.

22. C. I feel loved when you celebrate my birthday with a gift. A. I feel loved when you celebrate my birthday with meaningful words (written or spoken.)

23. D. I feel loved when you help me out with my chores. C. I know you are thinking of me when you give me a gift.

24. C. I appreciate it when you remember special days with a gift. B. I appreciate it when you listen patiently and don’t interrupt me.

25. B. I enjoy extended trips with you. D. I like to know that you are concerned enough to help me with my daily task.

26. E. Kissing me unexpectedly makes me feel loved. C. Giving me a gift for no occasion makes me feel loved.

27. A. I like to be told that you appreciate me. B. I like for you to look at me when we are talking.

28. C. Your gifts are always special to me. E. I feel loved when you kiss me.

29. A. I feel loved when you tell me how much you appreciate me. D. I feel loved when you enthusiastically do a task I have requested.

30. E. I need to be hugged by you every day. A. I need your words of affirmation daily.

Add Total Number of Answers Here:

A. ____ Words of Affirmation B. ____ Quality Time C. ____Receiving Gifts D. ____ Acts of Service E. ____Physical Touch

View Video- Brylan and Lisa

Discussion Questions: 1. What has been your greatest unmet need in your marriage? What are you needing more of? ______

2. Review your answer to the above question with your spouse. As you listen to how your spouse answered that question, consider some changes you need to make to better meet those needs. List those below. ______

3. How does knowing your spouse’s love language make it easier to meet their needs? What are you going to do with this information going forward? ______

A Biblical Approach to Marriage:

Philippians 2:3-4

Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

John 3:30

He must become greater; I must become less.

1 Corinthians 10:24

No one should seek their own good, but the good of others.

Next Steps: 1. Take time this week to discuss with your spouse each other’s love language. Discuss some new ideas you have for meeting their needs and vice versa. Give feedback to each other on those ideas. 2. Ephesians 5 states how you are to love your spouse as Christ loves the church. This week, discuss with your spouse what that means and think about some ways that you can show that kind of love to your spouse. 3. Continue praying with your spouse and say a prayer together this week asking for God to lead both of you in better meeting each other’s needs.

What I Said:

______

What My Spouse Said:

______

What I Learned About My Spouse This Week:

______

How I Will Use That Information To Make My Marriage Better:

______

Notes ______

______

Love After Marriage – Participant Guide Week 3 Conflict Resolution

Main Idea: Conflict is an inevitable part of marriage and often serves as points of growth. If handled correctly, each of the challenges you experience with your spouse can serve to strengthen your relationship with each other and your reliance on God.

Opening Discussion Question: Think of a conflict you have had in your marriage that actually served as a point of growth for the relationship. Share if you feel comfortable.

Love After Marriage – Participant Guide Week 3 Conflict Questionnaire Borrowed from The Gottman Institute

To give you a sense of how well you and your partner compromise when making decisions in your relationship, complete the following quiz. The directions are simple: review the following 20 statements, marking each one True or False.

During our attempts to resolve conflict between us...

● Our decisions often get made by both of us compromising.* o True o False ● We are usually good at resolving our differences.* o True o False ● I can give in when I need to, and often do.* o True o False ● I can be stubborn in an argument, but I’m not opposed to compromising.* o True o False ● I think that sharing power in a relationship is very important.* o True o False ● My partner is not a very stubborn person.* o True o False ● I don’t believe that one person is right and the other wrong on most issues.* o True

o False ● We both believe in meeting each other halfway when we disagree.* o True o False ● I am able to yield somewhat even when I feel strongly about an issue.* o True o False ● The two of us usually arrive at a better decision through give-and-take.* o True o False ● It’s a good idea to give in somewhat, in my view.* o True o False ● In discussing issues, we can usually find our common ground of agreement.* o True o False ● Everyone gets some of what they want when there’s a compromise.* o True o False ● My partner can give in, and often does.* o True o False ● I don’t wait until my partner gives in before I do.* o True o False ● When I give in first, my partner then gives in too.* o True o False ● Yielding power is not very difficult for my partner.* o True o False ● Yielding power is not very difficult for me.* o True o False ● Give-and-take in making decisions is not a problem in this relationship.* o True o False ● I will compromise even when I believe I am right.* o True

o False

Score 1 point for every statement you answered “False”.

Over 10: You’ve got some work to do on compromise in your relationship.

Under 10: You’ve still got some work to do on compromise in your relationship!

Trick question! You can always work on compromising with your partner, but this questionnaire will give you an idea of the ability to form compromises between yourself and your partner at the present moment.

Compromise is difficult for all of us, and it is something that we struggle with on a daily basis. In our relationships, our ability to compromise with our spouse is in constant flux. Compromise is further complicated by the tough situations in which we must compromise with ourselves first! But building skills that improve your ability to be successful in compromise will put you ahead of the game, not only in your marriage but in all of the other important relationships you have throughout your life.

View Video- Conflict Resolution

-It’s not the ______that’s the problem, it’s how you ______the conflict.

-The most common approach to conflict is ______.

-The greatest threat to your marriage is not the things you

______about, but the things that never get ______.

-The other common approach to conflict is the attempt to ______your spouse’s feelings.

-______are the single most corrosive thing to any relationship.

-The ______approach involves overcoming a problem together.

-There is no ______problem or ______problem. Everything is a ______problem.

-Avoid resolving conflict in moments of ______.

-Know your spouse’s ______.

-Invite ______into the process.

-Philippians 4:2-9- Story of Euodia and Syntyche 4:4- Rejoice in the Lord always 4:5- Let your gentleness be evident to all 4:6- Do not be anxious; ask for God’s intervention 4:7- Guard your hearts and minds with the peace of God

4:8- Look for the positive and praiseworthy 4:9- Whatever you have learned, put it into practice

Discussion Questions:

1. What is the overall impact of avoiding conflict in your marriage? ______

2. What does it mean to manage your spouse’s feelings? How can this lead to deception and dishonesty? What are some other effects of managing feelings? ______

3. What are some reasons that couples are afraid of conflict? How can understanding your spouse’s specific fears change your approach to disagreements? ______

4. What importance does the team approach play in overcoming conflict? ______

______

5. When is the best time to try to resolve disagreements? ______

A Biblical Approach to Conflict Resolution:

Read James 4:1-12

1. To resolve conflicts, judge your selfish motives (4:1-3) 2. To resolve conflicts, turn from spiritual adultery and humbly acknowledge God’s grace (4:4-6) 3. To resolve conflicts, submit to God, resist the devil, and repent of all sin (4:7-10) 4. To resolve conflicts, stop judging others and submit to God’s Word (4:11-12)

Next Steps:

1. Changing how you experience conflict starts with how you view conflict. This week, discuss with your spouse how you view conflict and how that effects your approach to resolution. 2. As part of that conversation, try to identify as a couple how you want to approach resolution within your marriage. What are some things that need to change in order to get there? 3. Introduce God into this process by praying together that He lead you both and enable you to make the necessary changes to overcome conflict with consistency. 39

What I Said:

______

What My Spouse Said:

______

What I Learned About My Spouse This Week:

______

How I Will Use That Information To Make My Marriage Better:

______

Notes ______

______

Love After Marriage – Participant Guide Week 4 Power of Forgiveness

Main Idea: Forgiveness is the natural conclusion of conflict and the final stage of resolution. You are called to forgive, not only within your marriage, but as a Christian in general. Forgiving your spouse or receiving their forgiveness is one of the most powerful tools in both resolving conflict and growing your relationship.

Opening Discussion Question: Think of a time when you have forgiven your spouse or received their forgiveness. What was the impact of that forgiveness? Alternatively, what may of happened if that forgiveness never occurred? Share if you feel comfortable.

Love After Marriage – Participant Guide Week 4 Forgiveness Quiz

Borrowed from Dr. Linda Mintle

See how well you score on the forgiveness quiz. Mark true or false to the questions. The answer key is below. Scriptures are included.

Questions:

1. Forgiveness is an option based on our feelings. o True o False 2. Forgiveness is a good idea when someone deserves it. o True o False 3. Forgiveness is rewarded by God. o True o False 4. Forgiveness requires other people to confess or make up. o True o False 5. Forgiveness is tough to do naturally. o True o False 6. Forgiveness is reconciliation. o True o False 7. Forgiveness is not saying that what the person did to you was OK. o True o False 8. Forgiveness is minimizing the hurt or wrong that was done to you. o True 47

o False 9. Forgiveness is pardoning the offense. o True o False 10. Forgiveness is to be continuously offered. o True o False

Answers:

1. False. Forgiveness is an act of obedience to God. Mark 11:25 2. False. None of us deserves forgiveness yet God gives it to us. Luke 6:37 3. True. When we choose to honor God and live by kingdom principles, we are rewarded. Proverbs 25:21-22 4. False. It does not matter what the other person does. Forgiveness is an individual act that we choose to do regardless of the other person’s actions. Colossians 3:13

5. True. Forgiveness is not a natural response. It takes the power of the Holy Spirit in you to treat someone kindly who has treated you unfairly. Romans 7:18-19 6. False. It takes one person to forgive and two to reconcile. God’s heart is that we be reconciled to one another, but this isn’t always possible if the other person won’t try. Psalm 133:1 7. True. Forgiveness is not saying that what the person did to you was OK. What the person did was not OK, that is why you need to forgive. Luke 23:34 8. False. What the person did to you may be horrible, undeserved, and ungodly. Forgiving that person does not take away from the wrongness of the action. But if you hold on to anger associated with the hurt, you won’t heal. Ephesians 4:26 9. False. Only God pardons or brings vengeance. He is the ultimate judge so release the person to Him. Romans 12:17-19

10. True. It doesn’t matter how many times a person hurts or offends you, each time, forgive. Luke 17:3-4 View Video- Power of Forgiveness

-Capacity to ______is one of the greatest predictors of a successful marriage.

-When you forgive, you give yourself a future unencumbered by ______and ______.

-Forgiving for ______gives you the emotional relief you need to heal.

-Forgiveness requires ______.

-______is doing the right thing in the face of vulnerability.

-Forgiveness requires faith in your ______and a faith in ______.

-Matthew 10- Parable of the Unmerciful Servant

-God shows us the ______we don’t deserve, so we can show our ______the love they don’t deserve.

-Matthew 6:14-15- For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, 15 your heavenly Father will also forgive you. B ut if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

-Things to look for in your spouse when forgiving:

1.______

2.______

3.______

-Always keep in mind: ● You are always in need of ______as much as your spouse.

● Keep a ______view of your relationship.

Develop a forgiving ______.

Discussion Questions: 1. What role does forgiveness play in growing your marriage?

______

2. What happens in your relationship when you are reluctant to forgive? What happens to you individually?

______

3. How does forgiveness relate to weakness?

______

4. In the essentials for forgiveness (repentance, responsibility, respect), which do you think is the hardest to do? Why?

______

5. Over the course of your life, how have you benefited from either giving or receiving forgiveness?

______

A Biblical Approach to Forgiveness:

Matthew 6:14-15

For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Ephesians 4:32

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Next Steps: 1. Take some time this week to consider past conflict or hurts in your marriage. Which of these may have been resolved as a couple but continue to cause anger for you individually? Consider if forgiveness has taken place. Resolution is not the same as forgiveness. 2. Consider any past transgressions for which you have not received forgiveness from your spouse. What is the obstacle to forgiveness? Have you asked for your spouse’s forgiveness? Discuss this together.

3. Consider if there are burdens you are carrying about which you question God’s forgiveness. The Bible tells us that God forgives freely. Ask God to provide you relief from your burden of guilt.

What I Said:

______

What My Spouse Said:

______

What I Learned About My Spouse This Week:

______

How I Will Use That Information To Make My Marriage Better:

______

Notes ______

______

Love After Marriage – Participant Guide Week 5 Boundaries In Marriage

Main Idea: Boundaries define your approach to marriage. They are the rules of engagement between you and your spouse and outline the roles for each of you. They also guide how you both protect your marriage from outside influences. This week, we will focus on both the boundaries within your marriage as well as the boundaries around your marriage.

Opening Discussion Question: Think of the ways that you and your spouse are different. How have you been able to allow for those individual differences but also grow as a couple at the same time? What are some ways that you protect your marriage from outside attack? Share if you feel comfortable.

Love After Marriage – Participant Guide Week 5 Boundaries Quiz

Borrowed from Dr. Henry Cloud

BOUNDARIES QUIZ INSTRUCTIONS: Read through the 20 relationship scenarios described below. At the end of each scenario, ask yourself how you typically respond based on past behavior. Be honest with yourself and select the answer that best coincides with how you usually respond to others. NOTE: You may be tempted to mark what you think you should do. However, please mark down what you actually find yourself doing. If a situation doesn’t apply to you, please make your best guess about how you would answer if that situation happened to you.

1. Your mother invites you to come over for dinner, but you have other plans. Would you: o Tell her that you are busy and suggest a more convenient time. (!) o Change your plans to avoid upsetting her.(^) o Feel obligated to try and do both dinner with your mom and your other plans too.(*) 2. Your spouse wants you to apologize for something you did. But, you don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. Would you: o Avoid the discussion and cry on the shoulder of a friend or parent.(^) o Apologize to maintain peace in the relationship.(*) o Decline to apologize and ask for clarification instead.(!) 3. Your co-worker is about to miss a deadline and begs for your help finishing a project. You are also under a deadline to finish your own work. Would you: o Reply that you aren’t available to help out.(!) o Work overtime to attempt meeting both deadlines for yourself and your co-worker.(*) o Reply that you’re busy but feel guilty for leaving the other person in a bind.(^) 4. While you are out to dinner with friends, a child jumps onto your lap and treats you like a jungle-gym. Would you: o Shift your focus from your friends to keep the child occupied and happy.(^) o Continue talking with your friends while peering around the bouncing child.(*) o Tell the child to either sit in your lap or get down and jump on the floor.(!)

5. One of your friends says that he can’t make his car payment this month, and you have lent him money a couple of times already. He asks you to loan him $200. Would you: o Lend the money because you have it and would feel bad about saying “no.”(*) o Tell him that you can’t give him money because you don’t have any (at least not that you want to risk loaning to him, you think to yourself).(^) o Tell him that you’re not comfortable loaning money to him.(!) 6. You’re heading out the door for a long-awaited vacation when your boss drops a task in your lap. Would you: o Respond that you’re unavailable to work on the task until you return.(!) o Be a team player and postpone your trip one day to finish the task.(*) o Meet in the middle and agree to work on the task while you’re away on your trip.(^) 7. Your teen has a cell phone and loves to surf the web and text. Although you are paying the cell phone bill, your teen objects to you checking up on the usage. Would you: o Agree not to look at your teen’s phone in order to avoid an argument about privacy.(^) o Look at your teen’s phone while he or she is sleeping.(*) o Insist that you will look at your teen’s phone despite the complaining(!) 8. Your spouse is overweight and really enjoys eating fried food. At dinner before heading to the movies, your spouse is about to order a hamburger and fries. Would you: o Insist ordering a healthier option.(*) o Mention you’re concerned the health issues could negatively affect your relationship.(!) o Give the other person the silent treatment while they eat fatty foods.(^) 9. You invite a friend with kids to stay at your home during a weekend get-together. But, as they leave, your home looks like a messy disaster area. Would you: o Ask your friend to help tidy up before they leave.(!) o Look the other way, say you enjoyed the visit, and spend all your time cleaning up.(^) o Seethe inside and never invite them back again.(*) 10. Your spouse has a habit of spending too much money and going into credit card debt. Would you: o Suggest developing a spending plan together.(!) o Hide the credit cards from the other person.(^) o Try to drop hints that you’re upset with the current level of spending.(*) 11. Your child’s sports team or church youth group needs an interim leader. There are plenty of parents available, but no one is pitching in to help out. Your schedule is already full. Would you: o Decline the role even though it feels uncomfortable.(!) o Accept the role and then try to rearrange your schedule to make things work.(*) o Decline the role but feel guilty for not helping out your child’s group.(^)

12. Your friend tells several inappropriate jokes at a party in front of mixed company that you feel are offensive. Would you: o Cringe and look away, hoping he’ll pick up on your disapproval.(*)

o Pull him aside later and talk about your discomfort with what he said.(!) o Say nothing because no one at the party seemed to mind.(^) 13. A close friend whom you haven’t seen in months calls to cancel a lunch date at the last minute. She says she misses you and hopes to catch up soon. But, the cancellation leaves your schedule in a lurch. Would you: o Tell her it’s okay even though it doesn’t feel okay to you.(^) o Express your frustration and ask her to apologize.(*) o Ask her to take the initiative to reschedule and confirm another lunch date.(!) 14. When you and your boss talk with upper-level management or key customers, he has a habit of taking credit for the hard work you do. Would you: o Bite your tongue and smile to avoid rocking the boat.(*) o Take steps to start looking for a new job.(!) o Feel powerless and glad to have your job.(^) 15. You dread spending the holidays with your family because certain people tend to criticize your political or religious views. Would you: o Create a reason to stay home because you dislike dealing with them(^) o Attend the gathering but walk on eggshells around the others.(*) o Go confidently and refuse to talk about touchy subjects if they arise.(!) 16. Your spouse or roommate hates to clean the home, so you have been doing more than your fair share of the housework. Would you: o Let the dirty dishes and laundry pile up as a signal of your dissatisfaction(*) o Talk about the housekeeping issue and ask to make a fair plan.(!) o Keep cleaning for both of you because it’s easier than creating an awkward situation or hurt feelings.(^) 17. While you are riding in the car with a friend, she starts to text on her phone while driving. You feel unsafe and know that is illegal to text and drive in your state. Would you: o Cringe and bear it while making a mental note to do the driving next time.(*) o Offer to do the text for her and hopes she hands over her phone.(^) o Tell her to either stop texting or let you drive.(!) 18. You go on a vacation with other people. As you plan an activity for the day, everyone else decides to do something that you dislike. Would you: o Participate so that you’re viewed as part of the group.(^) o Say that you have other plans for the day and look forward to meeting later.(!) o Go along with the activity but wish you had not gone.(*) 19. One of your friends says something negative about you in public. Would you: o Ignore the situation and try to let the comment roll off your back.(^) o Feel hurt but believe the best in your friend.(*) o Pull your friend aside and explain that you didn’t appreciate what was said.(!) 20. You’re at a movie theater watching a new blockbuster when people in the row behind you start making noise and distracting your attention. Would you: o Calmly ignore the disturbance and focus harder on watching the movie.(*) o Sit quietly while fuming and hope someone else says something to the noisemakers.(^)

o Ask the people to be quiet or go get a manager to handle the issue.(!)

Scoring: Now go back through and add the total number of your answers which ended with (!). Score 1 for each of these. That total is your score.

If your total score is: 0 – 7

You may lack important boundaries in your life. Based on your answers, you tend to let other people dictate your life and your decision-making process. For example, do you fear the disapproval of others more than your own discomfort? Is “peace at any price” your personal motto? Consider how making everyone else happy may be wearing you out. Worse, you might feel like you don’t have a voice in your own life.

If your total score is: 8 – 14

Your boundaries may come and go. How about a tune-up? Based on your answers, you’re aware of the importance in setting limits with other people. However, you might say no sometimes, but then default back to people-pleasing. Certain situations or relationships may cause you to over-commit your time and resources, which makes you feel frustrated. For example, you might be comfortable setting boundaries at work but struggle to set boundaries at home – or vice-versa.

If your total score is: 15 – 20

You are comfortable setting boundaries in your life. You’re ready for the next step! Based on your answers, you seem comfortable setting appropriate boundaries with other people. You recognize potential relationship traps and take steps to avoid them. Your life has a level of freedom that people without boundaries aren’t able to experience.

View Video- Boundaries In Marriage

-Boundaries Within Marriage

-______are parameters or limits within which you operate. (Rules for your marriage)

-Having strong boundaries in your marriage requires the “unspoken contract” to be ______.

-When you know each other’s ______, you can then develop boundaries that work for both of you.

-Successful marriages have two people who strive to be as ______as possible on their own.

Boundaries Around Marriage

-Only ______and your ______belong in the inner-most circle of your life.

-There will always be people (intruders) in your life who are trying to work their way closer to the ______circle.

-Any outside relationship must be ______of your marriage.

-Understanding your own ______is an important tool in protecting your marriage.

Biblical Tools for Healthy Boundaries: -Make personal prayer time- Matthew 6:6 -Be honest and direct- Matthew 5:37 -Set priorities- Luke 16:13 -Please God, not people- John 5:44 -Obey God- Matthew 21:28-31

-If you are going to have a successful relationship, you must have rules for ______with each other and rules of

______for those outside of your relationship.

Discussion Questions: 1. How does the team approach relate to boundaries? ______

2. What is the difference between complementing vs. completing your spouse? ______

3. How can your personal growth impact your growth as a couple? ______

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4. How can you identify intruders in your marriage? ______

______5. How does understanding your limits promote boundaries in a marriage? ______

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A Biblical Approach to Boundaries:

Matthew 18:15-17

If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that every matter may be established by testimony of two or three witnesses. If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

1 Corinthians 5:11-13

But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolator or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people. What business it is of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? God will judge those outside. Expel the wicked person from among you.

Next Steps: 1. Take time this week to discuss with your spouse how the concept of boundaries within marriage applies to you as a couple. 2. As part of that discussion, try to identify current or potential intruders to your marriage. This could include people, work, children, or anything else you may think of. Start to develop a plan for how you will protect your marriage from these intruders. 3. Ask God for His guidance in developing and maintaining strong boundaries for your marriage going forward.

What I Said:

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What My Spouse Said:

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What I Learned About My Spouse This Week:

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How I Will Use That Information To Make My Marriage Better:

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Notes ______

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Love After Marriage – Participant Guide Week 6 Impact of Family Past and Present

Main Idea: We are all greatly impacted by our families both past and present. The focus this week is to gain a greater understanding of how both your past and current family experiences effect your marriage.

Opening Discussion Question: Think about your family of origin. What experiences within that family shaped your expectations of marriage and family? How do you and your spouse’s families continue to impact your marriage? Share if you feel comfortable.

View Video- Impact of Family Past and Present

-Your ______relationship is your model for what marriage looks like.

-Questions for you and your spouse: ● What pressure do we feel from outside family? ● Is there anyone in our family who is not supportive of our marriage? ● How do we respond to family gatherings and how do they effect our interactions? ● Are there individuals within our families whose issues are a source of conflict for us?

● What are the appropriate responses to these situations that would protect our marriage? -The Bible identifies the ______relationship as the primary relationship that comes before all others.

-Identify who the leader is, and it’s not you. It’s ______.

-God designed us to live in ______.

-Matthew 19- Sanctity of marriage -Philippians 6 and Colossians 3- Important elements of Christian families

-Acts 16- Individual’s ability to impact family

Love After Marriage – Participant Guide Week 6 Impact of Family Past and Present Worksheet

As you answer the following questions, think back to your family of origin as you were going through your child and adolescent years:

1. What was conflict like in your family? ______

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1. How was anger expressed? ______

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1. How did you see conflict get resolved? ______

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1. How was love expressed in your family? Between your parents? Between your parents and you?

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______1. What was your exposure to verbal affection? ______

1. What was your exposure to physical affection? ______

______1. How were finances handled? ______

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1. Who was in charge of the finances? ______

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1. Were finances ever a part of conflict? ______

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1. How was discipline doled out in your family? ______

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1. What was the nature of that discipline? ______

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1. Who was in charge of discipline? ______

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1. How did extended family (relatives) fit into your family of origin? ______

______You are now going to answer those questions again. But this time, think about the answers as they relate to your marriage.

1. What is conflict like in your family? ______

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1. How is anger expressed? ______

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1. How does conflict get resolved? ______

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1. How is love expressed in your family? Between you and your spouse? Between you and your children? ______

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1. What is your exposure to verbal affection?

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1. What is your exposure to physical affection? ______

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1. How are finances handled? ______

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1. Who is in charge of the finances? ______

______1. Are finances ever a part of conflict? ______

______1. How is discipline doled out in your family? ______

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1. What is the nature of that discipline? ______

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1. Who is in charge of discipline? ______

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1. How do extended family (relatives) fit into your current family?

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The following five questions relate to extended family and their impact on your marriage. Extended family refers to any family beyond your spouse and children.

1. What pressure do we feel from outside family? ______

______1. Is there anyone in our family who is not supportive of our marriage? ______

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1. How do we respond to family gatherings? ______

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1. Are there individuals within the family whose personal issues are a source of conflict in our marriage? (Example- an alcoholic uncle, a needy mother, etc.)

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1. Is it ever ok to terminate contact with a family member? ______

Discussion Questions:

1. How do your childhood experiences within your family of origin impact your marriage today? ______

2. How do you or your spouse’s families of origin continue to impact your marriage? ______

3. How can you identify intruders in your marriage within your extended family? ______

4. How does making God the head of your family impact your marriage? ______

A Biblical Approach to Family:

1 Corinthians 11:3

But I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.

Genesis 2:24

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

Ephesians 5:33

However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Next Steps: 1. Take time this week to review your worksheet with your spouse. Strive to keep an open mind and learn from each other’s experiences. Discuss how

your family of origin has impacted your expectations and experiences in your marriage. 2. Ensuring that God is the head of your family is the greatest thing you can do for them. Have an honest conversation with your spouse this week to assess God’s place in your family currently. If He is not where He needs to be, discuss the changes that need to occur to rectify this. 3. Discuss with your spouse about the current work/life balance within your marriage. Does that balance work for your family and does it allow for you to continue to grow as a couple? If not, what changes need to be made?

What I Said:

______What My Spouse Said:

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What I Learned About My Spouse This Week:

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How I Will Use That Information To Make My Marriage Better:

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Notes ______

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Love After Marriage – Participant Guide Week 7 Good Sex

Main Idea: The focus this week is how you and your spouse have different approaches to sex and how to merge those approaches in order to have a healthy sex life as God designed.

Opening Discussion Question (to be discussed as a couple): Think about physical intimacy in your marriage. Do you and your spouse have a similar approach or are they different? If they are different, how so? How have you reconciled these differences as it relates to sex?

View Video- Good Sex

-Within marriage, sex will fall into place when everything else has been attended to and your spouse feels like your ______.

-For men, sex is ______first, ______second.

-The physical availability of our wives leads men to assume ______and ______availability.

-For women, sex is ______first, ______second.

-For women, emotional availability activates their ______and ______nature.

-The key to overcoming these differences is to explore with your spouse what they are needing and then actively working to provide that.

4 Christian Sex Rules:

● Exclusivity- Sex is only for marriage Hebrews 13:4 Genesis 2:24

● Mutuality- Sex involves mutual submissiveness

1 Corinthians 7:3-5

● Pleasurability- Sex should be enjoyable

Proverbs 5:18-19 Song of Solomon 1:2-3

● Relationality- Sex must be based on relationship

Matthew 5:28

Discussion Questions:

1. Why is understanding gender differences in approach to sex important? ______

2. What does it mean for physicality to grow out of emotionality? ______

3. How can different approaches/expectations about sex lead to conflict?

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4. Which of the Christian Sex Rules do you believe to be the most challenging to most people?

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5. Which of the Christian Sex Rules do you believe to be the most important?

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A Biblical Approach to Sex:

1 Corinthians 7:2-5

But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Genesis 2:24

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

Genesis 4:1

Adam made love to his wife Eve, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Cain. She said, “With the help of the Lord I have brought forth a man.”

Take the Sex and Intimacy Quiz and discuss the results with your spouse at home this week.

Love After Marriage – Participant Guide Week 7 Sex and Intimacy Quiz

Borrowed from ChristianMarriageToday.com This sexual intimacy in marriage test will tell you precisely how healthy your sex life is. Find out where you need to improve and get suggestions on how to make sexual intimacy in your marriage the best it’s ever been.

Christian Quiz Point Values 1 point = almost never 2 points = once in a while 3 points = frequently

Add up your points prior to submitting your answers.

Christian Marriage Sex Test

1. Discussions about sex result in, defensiveness, arguing, accusations, criticism, or one or both of you walking away hurt or angry. Almost Never (1) Sometimes (2) Frequently (3)

2. My spouse expresses displeasure with our sex life. Almost Never (1) Sometimes (2) Frequently (3)

3. Either I or my spouse complains about not getting enough sex. Almost Never (1) Sometimes (2) Frequently (3)

4. When my spouse and I make love it’s the same old routine. Almost Never (1) Sometimes (2) Frequently (3) 5. I hold back from telling my spouse what I really think and feel about our sex life. Almost Never (1) Sometimes (2) Frequently (3)

6. I fantasize about things that are not currently part of our sex life. Almost Never (1) Sometimes (2) Frequently (3)

7. Making love feels like a chore. Almost Never (1) Sometimes (2) Frequently (3)

8. When we argue, sex is withheld and used as a weapon by one of us. Almost Never (1) Sometimes (2) Frequently (3)

Here’s what your score means

Green Light: Keep Going If you scored 8 to 12, sexual intimacy between the two of you is probably good, or even great. But remember– marriage evolves. In the coming year, if you continue to nurture your marriage and build a deeper friendship, you’ll have a happier, stronger sex life. However, you could head in the other direction if you fail to guard against the negative patterns of relating that are described in this quiz. The best time to improve your marriage in any area is when things are going well. So use this positive energy to make a great sex life fantastic. Achieve this, by reading a Christian sex book with your spouse, or by taking a romantic retreat.

Yellow Light: Proceed with Caution If you scored 13 to 17, you may be more tolerant with your sex life than you are happy. But even if you are happy, a score in this range indicates patterns you shouldn’t ignore. Make time to discuss what you can do to improve sexual intimacy between the two of you. Begin by identifying the positive aspects of your

90 love life. Next, look at the statements you ranked as “once in a while” or “frequently” and make plans to address those areas immediately. For example, if you have trouble being honest with your spouse about how you really feel about your sex life, work on ways to express your feelings with confidence. Make a commitment to work on your communication regarding sex. Being completely open and honest with your spouse about sex will benefit both of you in the long run. Consider attending a marriage enrichment seminar together.

Red Light: Stop For Repairs If you scored 18 to 24, sexual intimacy is a major problem. While some couples might have a score in this range and still preserve a fair sex life, most do not. There may also be other signs of damage in your relationship such as unresolved anger or a growing sense of resentment. Or, the problem could be physical. Our advice is not to wait too long to repair the damage. You might consider seeking professional help from a doctor, a pastor, or a professional counselor. The approach you take is up to you, but the key is to get help now.

Next Steps: 1. Have an honest, sensitive conversation with your spouse about the current state of physical intimacy in your marriage. What is working well? What is missing? Are you both satisfied? If not, be open with each other about what is missing and what differences you would like to see. 2. Review the four Christian Sex Rules with each other. Discuss how well you are adhering to these rules and which ones need more attention. 3. Pray to God that He lead in this aspect of your marriage as He does the others and that you will always put each others’ needs first.

What I Said:

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What My Spouse Said:

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What I Learned About My Spouse This Week:

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How I Will Use That Information To Make My Marriage Better:

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Notes ______

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Love After Marriage – Participant Guide Week 8 Love in Action

Main Idea: The focus this week is how to proactively build your marriage. Although there are many ways to do this, we are going to focus on four essentials that are key to all marriages.

Opening Discussion Question: Think about the ways that you invest in your marriage currently. Which of these investments leaves you and your spouse feeling the most connected to each other? If you are not feeling particularly connected right now, think of a time when you had that closeness. What was different then? What would it take to reintroduce that into your marriage?

View Video- Love in Action

-4 Essential Tools: ● Intimacy

Emotional intimacy is key

Share your struggles with one another

3 Question Conversation- How are you doing? How are we doing?

Is there anything you need from me?

● Making time for your marriage

Both daily and for special occasions

● Be a team

Have a “we” mentality

● Allow God to lead your marriage

Make Him the foundation

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12- “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”

Discussion Questions:

1. Why is emotional intimacy so important for your marriage? Why is it so fleeting for many couples? ______

2. How do you and your spouse overcome time constraints in your marriage? ______

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3. One of the most beneficial things you can do for your marriage is practicing the team concept. How are you currently experiencing this in your marriage? What are the obstacles to this concept? ______

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4. The single most effective action step you can take to enrich your marriage is to allow God to lead it. How does He currently fit into your marriage? What is preventing Him from being the focus? ______

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Complete the Love In Action Questionnaire at home with your spouse this week.

Love After Marriage- Week 8- Love In Action Questionnaire

1. As you consider the four tools discussed this week (building emotional intimacy, making time together, practicing the team concept, allowing God to lead), which of these do you feel is already most evident in your marriage? Which do you feel needs the most work? ______

2. Looking back at each of the weeks throughout the Love After Marriage program, in what area do you feel you have grown the most individually? As a couple? ______

3. Think of a marital issue that has plagued your relationship over time. What have you learned in Love After Marriage that will help you better address that problem?

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______4. Identify at least one thing that you have learned about your spouse during this program. How can you use that information to enrich your marriage? ______

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5. What is something that you learned from another couple in your group or from your group leaders that has had an impact on your relationship? ______

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6. As you consider your experiences throughout this program, how have you noticed God trying to work in your marriage? ______

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Next Steps: 1. Pick a time this week to discuss the four action steps discussed this week. Try to identify which are already a part of your marriage and which ones you need to adopt.

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2. As a part of that discussion, try to identify the obstacles to carrying out your action steps and how you will overcome those obstacles. 3. Make a commitment to each other to have the 3 Question Conversation at least twice monthly. 4. Complete the Love In Action Questionnaire at home as a couple. Discuss your answers with each other. What I Said:

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What My Spouse Said:

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What I Learned About My Spouse This Week:

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______How I Will Use That Information To Make My Marriage Better:

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Notes ______

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